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Buck was shaking.
He realized that as he sat in his car, clutching the steering wheel. He had no idea where he had gone.
That was probably a problem.
It was fine. He was fine.
He blinked hard and everything seemed to come into focus. He glanced out from the windshield to the building before him.
Oh.
He was at Tommy’s house.
Buck remembered after the funeral when Tommy had come up to him and said, “I’ll always come whenever you call,” when Buck had thanked him for everything. Despite the somber atmosphere, Buck had given him a ghost of a smile that he wasn’t quite sure reached his eyes.
After that, Buck had been texting Tommy—just to check in on him and vice versa. He recalled when they had hooked up weeks ago and how everyone had just dropped Tommy after they broke up. And when Bobby died, Buck had thought about that fact; no one was probably checking up on Tommy.
So Buck took it in his own hands.
And Tommy replied.
They’ve been texting each other, but not like when they were dating. Just every couple of days or so, one or the other would send in a how are you? Are you okay? text and the other would reply—at first by a slight lie, but as the weeks went on, and the earth kept turning, both Buck and Tommy replied a little bit more honestly, Tommy more so than Buck.
It’s not like Buck didn’t want to be honest—he usually was! But…he didn’t want to dump his grief onto Tommy while he was grieving as well. It was…
He didn’t want to make it about him.
The trials and tribulations of Evan Buckley; a tragedy in 97 acts.
Buck blinked the thought away and focused back on the house in front of him. A single story, Spanish style house. Sold to a young firefighter in 2008. A fixer-upper when Tommy had first bought it, his ex told him two months into their relationship. Buck had been impressed with the renovations and thought to himself This feels like home .
Buck took a deep breath and unclenched his fists from the steering wheel before he got out of the car, unable to sit there any longer.
He walked up to the house and knocked on the door then immediately took a step back. Buck had no idea what he was feeling; he kind of doubted he was feeling anything at all, if he was being honest to himself.
After Eddie had gotten mad at him, Buck decided that he needed some space. They both did. So as soon as the conversation was finished, Buck all but fled from Eddie’s house. His house?
It didn’t feel like Buck’s house anymore.
The door opened and Buck quickly glanced up from where he was staring at the flower pot on the porch and up to Tommy’s face.
Tommy gave him a soft smile. “Hey, Evan,” he said as he opened the door wider. “What’s up?”
Buck opened his mouth to reply but nothing came out. So he cleared his throat and tried again. Nothing came out.
Tommy’s smile faded into a frown, concern written in his eyes. “Is everything okay?”
Buck nodded quickly. “Y-Yeah, Yeah everything’s good,” he managed to reply. “Just wanted to-to check on you, if that’s okay?” He added the last part quickly, inwardly cringing at himself. Don’t make this about you.
Fuck, this could’ve been a text message. Why was Buck here anyway?
“I should, um.” Buck gestured aimlessly behind him. “I should—”
“Do you wanna come in?” Tommy interrupted, motioning his head a little.
Buck cleared his throat. He wanted to. God, he really wanted to.
He nodded.
As Tommy let him in, Buck felt his shoulders relax a bit. He hadn’t realized how tense his body was until he took in the familiar sights of Tommy’s house, walking into the living room. Everything was exactly how Buck remembered it when he was here last.
He spotted a book splayed on the coffee table. Tommy probably couldn’t find a bookmark when Buck had knocked on his door.
“I was reading for a bit before you showed up,” Tommy unknowingly replied to Buck’s thoughts as he sat down on the couch, Buck slowly following his lead. “It’s not bad but it is a little slow.” He shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal.
Buck nodded absentmindedly, still staring at the book.
He felt Tommy shift beside him. “Evan, seriously. What’s going on?”
Buck turned his head to face Tommy, but he hesitated.
Don’t make it about you.
“I just…I, um I realized I haven’t texted a check in with you in a few days,” Buck lied. “And-And I was in the area. Figured I’d stop by.”
Tommy’s eyebrows furrowed, his gaze steady. Buck had no idea what was going on through Tommy’s mind at the moment, so he kept talking.
“I-I realize this was probably a bad idea,” he rambled. “I just thought–I thought maybe I could check in on you in person rather than just texting? Only if that’s okay! It’s totally fine if not. Not-Not that there’s anything wrong with texting, I like texting you. I like seeing your messages and-and how you just always seem to answer when I text. I just thought maybe coming by in person would also help with the, uh, with everything going on. I-I don’t even know if that’s where we even are at the moment, but I–”
“Evan, Evan. ” Tommy gently interrupted. “It’s fine. I don’t mind meeting you in person, if that’s what you want.”
Buck let out a sigh of relief, giving him a small grin. “Yeah?”
Tommy gave him one in return. “Yes. I would like to see more of you.”
“Great.”
“But seriously.” Tommy’s smile faded into something more serious. “What’s going on?”
Buck shook his head, forcing his smile a little bit bigger. Even he could tell how artificial it seemed. “Nothing.”
Tommy gave him a no-nonsense look. “Evan.”
“Honestly, Tommy.” Buck’s leg involuntarily started to shake. “Everything’s fine.”
Buck held his gaze as Tommy studied him for a moment. He felt like any grip he had on the facade that he showed the others was slipping, but since it was just him and Tommy, Buck figured that he could hold on for a little bit longer.
Just long enough for Tommy to believe him.
“How are you feeling?” Tommy finally asked him.
Buck blinked in surprise. He wasn’t expecting that question.
“It’s not about me,” he quickly answered. “I-I was supposed to be checking in on you.”
“I can check in on you, too,” Tommy gently replied. “And I am making this about you as well. You lost someone you loved and looked up to.”
Buck turned away as his eyes began to burn with tears forming. “I just don’t want to be selfish,” he mumbled, wringing his fingers.
“Selfish?” Tommy sounded confused. “Why-Why would you be selfish? You’re grieving.”
“I just…” Buck trailed off, swallowing hard. “I know everyone lost him too. I know I’m not the only one.”
“I’m sorry, back up.” Tommy waved his hand for Buck to stop. “Did someone imply that?”
Buck only nodded.
Tommy looked like he wanted to say something about that but instead kept it to himself shaking his head. “Well, what about the 118? At least you’re all grieving together, right?”
“They, um, they don’t talk to me,” Buck hesitated. “I-I tried, but they just don’t talk to me about what they’re feeling. Or at all.”
Tommy’s eyebrows shot straight up. “No one’s spoke to you?”
“I mean, I-I asked them questions about their grief and-and go from there, but even that’s starting to not work,” Buck admitted. He didn’t exactly love the fact that he was secretly giving his friends psychological assessments but considering the fact that no one was speaking to him when he offered…well, it hurt.
“You’re giving them an assessment on their grief?” Tommy asked, though it wasn’t said in judgement. More like bemusement.
Buck shrugged a little. “They kept pulling away whenever I offered to listen, so I figured I could try something else instead. They didn’t like it.”
“Well, giving them a grief assessment probably wasn’t the best way,” Tommy tried to tease, but his tone was more concerned rather than snarky.
But Buck’s mask was cracking too much too fast.
“Bobby was wrong.”
Tommy looked at Buck. And that look, that soft, worried look Tommy wore is what breaks the dam open.
“H-He told me I would be okay,” Buck continued, his voice trembling. “Said that the team would need me, but he was wrong . It’s just…I keep trying and I keep failing . Everything I do is wrong, or-or I mess it up and I end up making it about myself. I try to do what B-Bobby told me to, but everyone just pushes me away . I try making family dinners, but everyone either already ate or isn’t hungry. And I-I don’t know how to get anyone to talk to me. So-So I ask them questions just to get something out of them but-but…”
Buck cut himself off as he tried to calm his breathing. “And I-I try to feel Bobby’s presence anywhere , but I can’t . I can’t feel him anywhere. So I-I thought I would try going to the church he went to just to see if I could feel anything, but there was nothing . And I don’t—I can’t—I don’t want to feel anything anymore. Just make it stop .”
And Buck broke.
He hid his face in his hands after the first sob broke free. He leaned his elbows on his knees and just wept. He was only there for a second before he felt hands gently pull him against a broad chest.
Buck immediately turned to hide his face in Tommy’s neck as Tommy held him. He was glad that he didn’t say anything, just held him and gently rocked them back and forth.
Buck didn’t know how long he cried for, but when he finally stopped sobbing that turned into quietly sniffling did he back away from Tommy’s embrace. Just far enough to be able to see his face, Buck wasn’t sure if he was ready to leave the warmth that was Tommy.
“I-I’m sorry,” he muttered.
“ Evan ,” Tommy stressed. “There’s nothing to apologize for.”
Buck shrugged a little, avoiding his gaze. “Still.”
He leaned into Tommy’s hands as one rubbed his back and the other on his arm. Buck was spent, and he reveled in the silence of Tommy’s house for the time being.
Tommy broke the silence after a bit. “Can we go back to that comment you made?” He hesitantly asked. He was still rubbing Buck’s back but his eyes were steady on him. “The one about wanting everything to stop? What did you mean?”
Buck glanced up at Tommy before doing a double take. Yes, the concern was still present in Tommy’s eyes, but Buck could also see a hint of fear?
Did Tommy…?
Oh.
“Oh,” Buck said. “No, no. Not like that. I-I promise, Tommy I didn’t mean it like that.”
Tommy nodded as his breathing hitched slightly. The fear that had shown up slowly ebbed away. “Alright. So what did you mean?”
Buck sighed. “I just…I don’t know.”
Tommy nodded slightly. “That’s alright,” he said, caressing Buck’s arm. “I’m always here if you ever need someone.”
Buck’s eyes burned once more. He shut his eyes tight to prevent them from falling. “I-Tommy…”
“You said it yourself that no one’s talked to you,” he reminded Buck gently. “No one’s opened up about their grief. Let me.”
Buck opened his eyes, studying the man before him. He was expecting something like annoyance or something that’s just humoring him. But Tommy seemed sincere with his words.
Which was why Buck felt comfortable in saying what was on his mind all night.
Buck swallowed and blurted out, “Eddie and I got into a fight tonight.”
Tommy opened his mouth. Whether it was in shock or he was about to ask what happened, Buck didn’t know because he didn’t let Tommy take the chance.
“Eddie got the job at El Paso Fire and I didn’t even know about it. S-So I got a little pissed at him because everyone has been treating me like I’m fragile and I said that to him. And Eddie said that they didn’t know how to talk to me. He…I…He thought I wouldn’t be happy for him because he got the job even though I said I would be. But then he said that I would make it all about me—”
Buck cut off when the words “The trials and tribulations of Evan Buckley; a tragedy in 97 acts” floated around his head once more.
He shook his head. “S-So I told him how I was sorry about being sad Bobby died and Eddie…”
Buck involuntarily flinched when he looked back at Eddie cornering him. He knew that Eddie was an angry person—he knew what he was like during the lawsuit—but Buck never believed that Eddie would ever harm him. But in that moment…Buck would be lying if he said he hadn’t been a little fearful of his friend.
Tommy must have sensed something because it was then he spoke up. “Evan?” He gently squeezed Buck’s arm to bring him back to the present. “Did something happen?”
Buck took a deep breath. “He, uh, he just cornered me.”
“He cornered you?” Tommy’s eyes darkened. Then he studied Buck a bit more, a little bulb going off as Tommy faced him head on. “He did something else, didn’t he?”
“N-Not really,” Buck replied. “I-I mean, he-he grabbed my shoulder kinda rough, and there was a moment where I thought…I thought he…”
“He might hit you?” Tommy finished when Buck trailed off.
Buck nodded silently.
Tommy took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself. Buck let him cool off before he thought about continuing.
“After that he just, he talked about how it felt to get the phone call that night and he was right,” Buck said, looking away from Tommy for a moment. “I didn’t ask him how he felt.”
“That doesn’t give him the right to do what he did, Evan.” Tommy squeezed his arm once more. “Grief is not an excuse to get violent with the people you love.”
“W-Wait, Tommy,” Buck quickly replied. “Eddie didn’t get violent with me, he just grabbed me and pointed his finger at me…” he trailed off when he saw a pained expression behind the anger in Tommy’s eyes.
“That’s still not okay, Ev,” Tommy said. “He shouldn’t have done that at all.”
Buck let his gaze drop slightly from Tommy’s as he nodded his head slowly. He knew Tommy was right, but a part of him still wanted to defend Eddie. But now…Now he wasn’t sure how he felt about Eddie at the moment.
Buck glanced down at his watch and noticed what the time was. “Shit, I’m sorry I kept you up so late, Tommy.”
Tommy, sensing that Buck wanted to drop the topic for the time being, let him. He sighed a bit and gave a light chuckle. “It’s fine, Evan. I like spending time with you.”
Buck’s heart leapt into his throat when Tommy said that. He really wanted to ask Tommy if they could talk some more—specifically about them—but it wasn’t the time nor the place; Buck was at least a little bit aware of that.
And from the look in Tommy’s eyes, he was probably thinking the same thing.
“C-Can we talk later?” Buck asked as he got up from the couch, Tommy following. “In person, I mean.”
Tommy replied as he walked Buck to the door. “I would like that a lot.”
“A-And I promise next time I’ll ask how you are,” Buck swore as he stepped out into the night. “Cause I do want to know.”
Tommy gave him a soft smile. “I know you will,” he softly said. “Don’t worry about me.”
“I do,” Buck couldn’t help but admit. “I-I do worry about you. A lot.”
“I worry about you too,” Tommy replied. “A lot.”
Buck nodded at that. He should really leave, Eddie might be wondering where Buck was.
Before he could lose his nerves, Buck leaned forward and placed a light kiss on Tommy’s cheek. “Good night, Tommy,” Buck softly said.
Tommy’s smile grew a little bit more sweeter. “Good night, Evan.”
And as Buck walked into the night, for the first time, he felt just a tiny bit lighter.