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When she was a child Jamie was always told she was the spitting image of her mother.
Elderly women in the village corner shops. Great aunts and great uncles commenting every time she crossed paths with them. Teachers who were always shocked her mum was old enough to have one in school, never mind two. Christ, double of our Louise you are, aren't you? and Well, there’s no mistaking who’s you are, is there? seemingly followed her everywhere she went.
It was something she was proud of in the early days, back before the kids from school and their parents and Denny and anybody else started blaming the resemblance for everything bad in their lives. There’s no photographs left to see if they were right all those years ago now. Lost to the system several lifetimes ago, but Jamie could remember being told as much; Being told over and over that she was the double of her mother.
They never let her forget that.
It was something that had played on her mind a little these last few months. It was easier when it was going to be Dani’s. Not that the baby wasn’t still just as much Dani’s even still, but it was easier back before they’d discovered that Dani had issues with her fertility. Months and trials and tests and the idea of having a little mini-Dani was all they could think about. An easy idea. But since they’d made their choice it worried Jamie that the baby would also look like her mum. Like Louise. A ghost.
Not that she even knew what that might look like.
It was a long process to get where they were now. Tears from both parties and a lot to come to terms with. Fostering was immediately not an option with Dani’s conditions and Jamie’s record. Then there were Dani’s test after test, each one negative and heavy. When the clinic floated the idea of Jamie trying the idea terrified her so much she had nightmares—ones so real in her minds eye it was like she was 17 years old all over again. Eventually, of course, things worked out, as they so often did, and after much deliberation the doctors managed to find a working compromise with Dani carrying and Jamie donating.
Which was also not a smooth or easy process, but they got there in the end.
It was a strange experience, knowing another person was carrying your child. Especially as a woman. Jamie knew she was gay from being a kid herself so it’s not like she ever planned on children in the long run. But Dani was different.
She wondered if the baby might be like Dani, even despite their genetics. How they might pronounce certain words when they were older. If they might pick up some of her habits. If they might laugh like her. Might have the same affinity for terrible, cold, sugary tea.
Jamie never doubted that Dani would be a good mother. Christ, she was better than anyone else she’d seen with Miles and Flora. Including Hannah and Rebecca. Not that she would be brave enough to say as much to Hannah, mind. And sure, she was nervous about her own abilities but with Dani by her side she was confident they’d be okay.
When the time became The Time and the baby actually arrived neither of them felt ready.
The midwives certainly were saying something, but all that Jamie could process was the baby’s cry. Loud and strong and roaring despite their tiny size.
It felt surreal, seeing them properly for the first time. Not a line on a test, or a grainy black and white image on a monitor. Real and there and so, so loud.
The baby was handed to Dani by a midwife with kind eyes who didn’t comment on Jamie’s dumbfounded expression.
Jamie peered down over her wife’s shoulder. Just observing.
The baby was crying and pink and covered in… stuff. They had white blonde wisps of curls on the top of their head and chubby cheeks and ears that stuck out just a little.
They looked a little like Mikey did, when he was a baby.
It didn’t scare her nearly as much as she thought it might.
Their hair was lighter than his for sure. And they were definitely smaller overall too. Maybe. Well, maybe she was just remembering him when he was older. It was just after his fifth birthday the last time she saw him after all. But they really were so small, this baby. Tiny, even. But there were definitely echoes of Mikey in them nevertheless. Echoes of herself, maybe. The scrunch of their brow and the faint eyebrows felt familiar in a way Jamie hadn’t known since she was maybe 5 years old. A new, familiar baby that had ten fingers and ten toes that really was her own. Hers and Dani’s.
It may have been a quite frankly barbaric process over the last few hours to meet them, with Dani crying and begging and pleading and damn near breaking Jamie’s fingers with how hard she had been gripping her hand on more than one occasion certainly wasn’t something either of them would forget about any time soon, but just watching the baby’s little face, soft and pink and new, almost made Jamie forgive them for what they’d put Dani through in the last five hours. Christ, what they’d put the both of them through in the last nine months.
Jamie was only knocked out of her stupor when her wife glanced up at her, beautiful and exhausted and beaming at her.
She couldn’t do much more than smile back. The silent I know left unspoken as words seemed to fail.
The baby began to quieten in Dani’s arms soon enough as the pair watched on. Clear blue eyes opening properly for the first time. It wasn’t possible of course, but Jamie was struck by how alike Dani’s they were. Wide and trusting, even if there were no mismatched tones of her wife’s own irises present in theirs. Just clear blue.
Dani cooed at the baby, gently rocking them in her arms and too spent for much else. Somewhat hesitant, Jamie reached out to the baby where they lay wrapped in the blanket in Dani’s arms.
“Hiya, love,” Jamie breathed, tracing tiny knuckles as they squirmed. A tiny fist quickly enveloped her pointer finger in response.
Dani choked a laugh, her eyes never leaving the newborns face. “You’re really real, huh?”
Jamie pressed a kiss to the side of Dani’s forehead, still damp with perspiration. “Did y’ think we were playing pretend all this time?” she asked, the baby’s grip still firm on her finger as though to remind her.
She laughed again. Her cheeks must’ve hurt from smiling so much. “Kinda. Just,” Dani started, tracing a thumb delicately over the tiny fingers gripping Jamie’s own. “You think you’d feel like a mom once you are one. And we have this sweet, little baby that’s all ours, and I’m still, just.. Y’know?”
Jamie did know. Her heart felt so full it could ache, despite how terrified she felt.
They were it for this baby, their baby. And both of them had swore to do better than they had had as kids.
The baby scrunched their face ever so slightly, staring at the owners of the voices with curious eyes as they spoke.
She couldn’t fathom how her own mother could have left her, left them, when Jamie herself might’ve looked like this once. That Louise might’ve looked down and seen a near identical picture in front of her and still chose the path she did. Made the choices she did.
“Really real, Poppins.”
That her dad might’ve done the same too.
“Really real,” Dani echoed.
Eventually, after some indiscernible amount of time which could’ve been minutes or hours, a nurse popped their head back through the door asking questions of names and taking the baby to be weighed and various other things Jamie nodded along to.
Baby Clayton is written on the certificate. They both still couldn’t settle on a name. Gotta meet them first, right? It would still be weeks more before they settled on anything concrete for a name, the two of them largely affectionately referring to the baby only in pet names to begin with. Sweetheart, love, honey, gremlin.
The nurse wrote the baby’s weight, commenting how they seemed perfectly happy and healthy. Dani’s conditions seeming to not have had any ill effects on them whatsoever.
The nurse populated the parents section with the names Danielle Clayton and Jamie Clayton respectively and Jamie began to think maybe Dani had a point. It really didn’t feel real.
Even when Jamie was given the baby to hold, with a Here you go, back to Mom that made Dani grin so much it really was bordering on ridiculous and Jamie feel light headed, it didn’t feel real.
Sat in the worn, plastic armchair next to her wife holding their baby in her arms as they looked up at her, it certainly didn’t feel real. She told Dani as much, making her laugh again despite how tired she must’ve been.
Jamie knew there and then she wouldn’t make the same mistakes as her parents. That this baby would never have to be ashamed if a stranger said they looked like their mother. That they’d never feel as alone as Jamie Taylor aged 9 and a half felt. That she continued to feel right up until her mid-twenties. That even now she sometimes felt, in spite of everything, if she was really truly honest with herself.
“Do we want Grandma in yet?” the nurse asked when all was done and Baby Clayton had been passed between both of their parents, cleaned, fed and thoroughly doted upon.
Dani looked up at the nurse, brow creasing and seemingly a little confused for a second before curtly nodding. It was almost a little too easy to forget it wasn’t just their own titles that had evolved.
“Probably for the best,” Jamie commented, still firmly planted at the edge of the bed by Dani and the baby. “Get it over and done with before your drugs wear off an’ all.”
“Jamie!”
Karen was better than either of them expected. Even crying when she first saw her grandchild despite her previous initial protests upon discovering the baby wouldn’t be related to her by blood. That as Dani’s mother she should at least be related to her grandson or granddaughter; which naturally caused tears and a shouting match and an eventual apology, both to Dani and to Jamie. Since then she’d been everything they could’ve hoped for. Helpful (if not a little condescending towards Dani’s father) and understanding (if not a little overbearing). Jamie couldn’t even begin to imagine what having her mum with them might’ve looked like. Definitely couldn’t imagine any of her foster parents throughout the years sticking around for this. Hannah and Owen maybe, but no parental figures. Karen was all the baby had in terms of grandparents too.
“You’re ever so little, aren’t you?” Karen spoke to the baby as she held them, gently rocking them as she paced the room. “I told you you should’ve been eating more, Danielle. She’s tiny!”
“She’s a baby, Mom. They’re meant to be tiny.”
“You were far bigger when I had you,” Karen commented, returning her attention back to the baby. “Ruined my figure.”
“Have you seen the size of Jamie? I’m not sure why you’d expect much else.”
“Oi!” Jamie nudged her wife, her smile still yet to falter. “Why’ve you gotta bring height into this? Plenty chubby enough, nurse said as much.”
“I love you just the same, Jame.” Dani reached up and tucked a loose curl behind her ear, letting her fingertips linger at her jaw. “Thank you so much.”
“Thank me? You made ‘em. Did all the heavy liftin’, really.”
“You know what I mean.” The blonde glanced over to where her mother was holding their baby. “I’m exhausted and I feel absolutely awful, to be honest, but I’m here, with you, and you’re so.. You’re my best friend, and the love of my life, and we have a daughter and I really couldn’t be happier. It’s so perfect. More so than I could’ve ever hoped for.”
Jamie let out a small laugh, shaking her head. “In that case,” she said before pulling Dani in for a kiss. “Thank you too.”