Chapter Text
The smell of cheese bombarded his face as soon as he opened his bedroom door. The smell it warded the room from the most insistent visitors, which was convenient…or other words Adrien might seem a little weird from all the talking that he did supposedly by himself. Although, technology is also helpful to make Adrien seem ordinary.
Even if…
There was one aspect of his life that was magically and unordinary…
Which related to having a superhero identity and a God-like entity who proved Adrien those powers…and the same entity had a fondness of cheese. The smell… told him that Plagg had recently feasted…. his clothes would smell disgusting…and there was a risk for his pillow’s life. Plagg feasting hadn’t changed since he got the black cat miraculous at fourteen. It had been five years since then…one would think he would be used to the stink.
His clothes smelling. Well, cologne, open windows, steaming, or even washing usually did something. But he was hella tired.
A long day shadowing his father for preparation of someday taking over the Agreste company, on top of job after job after job. Then akuma which caused his lady to ride his ass for disagreeing with an over-the-top than usual plan…which caused more chaos, mayhem, and destruction. But that was fixed when they won. He was still a bit hurt instead of receiving a victory fist pound…he was left to pound sand with a silent treatment.
Ugh.
Next time…he would grovel.
And not fucking argue with her.
Even if her plan were more steps than he could count on his fingers.
Adrien closed his bedroom door and rested against the hard wood that did nothing for his back. He needed a good beat down…massage…in the shower. In all the ways. Then go sleep for the next six hours. To be an ordinary sleepy person. This occasion called for his ladybug pajamas after his shower…and hoped they didn’t smell like cheese.
He pushed off from the door and took one, two, three, steps inward…nothing about this…his life… was fucking ordinary.
What the fuck?
Cheese statues. Life sized. And full well slimy and stinky were around his bedroom like the best museum art. And clearly distinguishable person shaped from himself, Nino, Alya, Marinette, her parents, Luka…all familiar faces of his everyday life when he had one.
He took more steps into his bedroom.
His lady…in her usual awesome pose next to his bed.
Himself as Chat Noir…on the other side of his bed…next to his computer.
Carapace. Rena Rouge…. next to his television…with Bob Ross painting…
There were people he just met…even the model he had worked with today, Sublime? Her long hair was blonde in real-life but cheese white now…and currently dripping on the floor.
Even the other model…Lila of all people…who frankly straightforward said that she wanted to date him. Adrien didn’t say anything else to that. But he certainly didn’t want her statue in his room. But there were more people…Jagged Stone. Andre, Kagami, and her mother…
Near the bathroom doors were statues of his father, Nathalie, Gorilla…and what looked like the finishing touches…on Monarch…as Plagg looked thoughtfully for a the briefest of seconds.
Then splat another gooey pile of cheese on the sculpture…if he could call them that. Then began shaping.
Why?
Just why?
Frankly, Adrien would be more impressed by the artwork if everything wasn’t made out of cheese. Camembert at that. He would be even more impressed if he knew that he wasn’t going to be the one to clean everything up…and there was a designated place for making cheese statues. But it looked far too late for that.
Any anger was just deflated…because…well…being angry wasn’t going to do anything either. Although, the Monarch sculpture looked pretty punchable. And ranting and raving never worked on Plagg…
This was actually his just desserts for doing such a thing last night…
Adrien lectured Plagg about cheese crumbs in bed…
Adrien walks into no cheese crumbs on his bed…as far he knew…but cheese fucking everywhere else.
He was the master of his own misery. But Adrien really hated to sleep in cheese crumbs. And Plagg…he really liked to get under Adrien’s skin in all the ways possible. Hence right now. Adrien ran a hand through his hair and motioned to every weird cheese statue that stared at them…
“Plagg, why?”
Not even that fact that Plagg was vindictive…but there was no way in hell he was going to eat all this cheese before it went bad. Adrien had t even known that he had this much cheese. The mini fridge wasn’t even that large for it.
“How?”
Then Adrien added…
“Where the hell did you get all the cheese? We were only separated for ten minutes.”
Ten minutes to change out of modeling outfit…into his normal everyday wear. He should’ve found it suspicious when Plagg wasn’t in his front pocket…or his jean pockets…or inside his bag.
Plagg still ignored him…but licked up Monarch’s cheese face that made Adrien wrinkle his nose and frown. That was gross. But the motion…well…Monarch had some good cheekbones now. And as long there were no cheesy make outs…Adrien could probably deal without losing the food in stomach.
But Plagg…the ever-big pain in the ass…did exactly what Adrien feared...with wet cheesy slurps…
“Seriously, Plagg. Are you going to explain-”
“Kitten, I thought you were fond of the arts. Can’t you see I’m creating?”
Fond of the arts…
That’s what Plagg was calling it?
Fond of the arts…would be music, painting, drawing, actual legit sculptures, even writing…it was creating something. This? This was creating a mess. And from the way Plagg’s green eyes narrowed at Adrien…he was almost daring Adrien to say something otherwise.
One lecture turned into cheese sculptures…
What would insulting cheese sculptures turn into?Did Adrien want to find out? Probably not…but did that stop him? Nope.
“This”-Adrien wildly motioned all around him…he stomped over to his lady cheese and motioned up and down at the statue…then gestured madly to himself as Chat Noir…and his nose was all wrong…and…
All words that he had were gone as soon as his eyes landed on his computer screen…with a big glaring picture of….
Adrien grabbed the mouse and click over click…
And read: Amerikooler DW102077N-10/10-SC 10’ x 20’ x 7’ 7” Floorless Indoor Walk-In Combination Freezer/ Cooler with Mounted Refrigeration.
And the price.
It…there was no fucking way…
“Plagg, what the fuck is this for 30,000 euros?!”
His panic whisper still didn’t jolt Plagg to talk to him other that another chorus in off key sing song from behind him…
“I’m creating!”
Inside his chest…Adrien felt something snap…it was debatable if it was his sanity, his common sense…or shock. But he whirled around and marched over to Plagg…who began the wet slurps once more. That…
Again.
It was most likely his sanity that flew out the window like a bye bye butterfly…and more than one butterfly flew when his fist went through Monarch cheesy head. If only it was that easy in real life. But the rest of the cheese sculpture turned into a gooey pile of cheese at his feet with a sickening splatter. It was then, that Adrien realized with absolute certainty that he might have messed up…
But just one word and a giant price tag blinked inside his own head.
And before Plagg could give the wrath of a tiny god…Adrien motioned to the computer.
“Explain!”
Plagg looked down at the cheese…back up at Adrien. Then back down at cheese and up at Adrien. Then shrugged.
“It was an impulse. I thought it would be great! It could go right over there…with a year’s supply of cheese inside.”
Adrien closed his eyes.
He could just imagine it…and it was painful to just imagine it.
“You bought an industrial refrigerator on an impulsive thought? And you thought it would go were my bed is. Where the fuck would I sleep?”
“Inside, duh.”
Plagg’s answer came from the floor as he shoved a gooey bit of cheese into his mouth. Looking nonplussed about the whole conversation. As if he didn’t spend all of Adrien’s savings…and planned to kick him out of his bedroom…to move him into a refrigerator. People have died being trapped in a refrigerator or a freezer…and Plagg wanted him to live in one? It wouldn’t be called a happy accident. It was Darwinism at its finest example. He was not going to live in a refrigerator. Or a freezer. In fact, his human space would remain delightfully human space.
Adrien would’ve been opened to negotiating about a new refrigerator of average size, but now? No fucking way. Plagg would have his mini fridge. Adrien would have his bedroom as is. Thank you. But even the mere thought of Plagg’s purchase appearing before him…especially without discussing or asking…he could hear his teeth grinding together inside his head.
“Plagg, how the fuck am I going to explain that to my father, hm? Surprise! I bought this giant refrigerator for my bedroom but don’t ask any questions.”
“That could work,” remarked Plagg nonchalantly…as he burped something nasty sounding. And the only positive thing about the assault of foul cheese smells on his nose…he absolutely could not smell Plagg’s burp.
Seriously, though.
Everyone would question.
Adrien groaned aloud…and the only thing that stopped him from melting down…was the puddle of cheese that Plagg was bathing in. “Oh, I know! I’ll just blame intrusive thoughts!”
“That’s the spirit! It should be here in two whole weeks!”
Oh.
That.
It wasn’t happening at all.
Not if he had anything to say about it.
Adrien glared at him, in the full squinty-eyed, deepened frowny-frown, rivaling the grumpiest of cats. On this planet. In this universe. Of all time. Adrien knelt down to Plagg’s level. Knees to floor. Hands in the gross cheese pile…and almost hissed at Plagg in a comical sense. “It’s not happening.”
And Plagg…fully returned everything Adrien was giving. And then some…but with age comes experience. It also helped that Plagg was a cat. Who knew?
“Do you want to bet?”
That was a loaded question.
The last time Adrien took a bet with Plagg, it ended with a sore thumb, a nearly broken leg, and beauty magazines. They swore to never talk about it ever again. This…had about same ominous feeling. An impending clash of wills. And could possibly be placed this bet on the things they never talk about list.
“Yeah, Plagg. I do.”
Cheese dropped with a splatter somewhere behind them…Adrien could only imagine it was a cheese jaw that dropped to the floor from one of the cheese sculptures. Yeah. It was going to be like that then.
“I bet you can’t act on your every intrusive thought for two weeks, Adrien. Every. Single. One. If I win, that refrigerator is mine.”
It was far too late to back out of the bet. But there were times for negotiation.
“One intrusive thought per day.”
Plagg shook his head. “I made the art of bartering. Try again. Three intrusive thoughts, and a golden buzzer.”
Art of bartering. Maybe during destructive times of war and famine…
This was a different type of war.
And there was absolutely no famine here. There was another splat somewhere in the room…cheese example a. He hoped to God that Plagg would clean that up…actually that was a thought too, he could barter…negotiate that term in as well.
Adrien shook his head and countered with two fingers, “Two. And what the fuck is a golden buzzer? This isn’t France’s Got Talent.”
He knew he shouldn’t never let Plagg watch reality television. Obviously, it was doing a great job rotting his brain enough for instructive thoughts to take over
“The golden buzzer is a thought you have to do no matter what.”
That was dangerous.
It wasn’t like all his thoughts were too terrible as he briskly recalled his busy day. Wore an outfit he didn’t like. Dealt with people he didn’t like. Ate some food that he didn’t like. Kicked ass. Resisted the temptation to flirt with his lady and pissed her off by accident instead. Then jobs. It was doable. Easy?
No. But doable.
He didn’t do anything too much out of the ordinary, listened to most of the people around him, and didn’t cause too many problems.
“Done. Two impulsive thoughts a day, with your one golden buzzer for two weeks. I get to have a veto though.”
“One veto. It’s only fair.”
“No shit.”
He absolutely did not want to give Plagg anymore golden buzzer opportunities. So far, it sounded like he would easily win. He didn’t want his whole life to be thrown into a dumpster fire…with marshmallows…because of this bet.
It would be worst than the other time that they don’t talk about.
“If you lose, no refrigerator and you curb your cheese obsession.”
Plagg gasped…. clutching a tiny cheese-covered paw to his chest over his heart or onto invisible pearls…as if Adrien had said Plagg’s most horrid nightmare aloud…and cursed it. Well. Again. Oh, the drama.
Adrien hadn’t said anything impossible. Or wrong. Plagg had a cheese obsession. It was a want. Not exactly a need. But from the tortured expression of Plagg’s face…Adrien partly wanted for the southern movie cliché…Well, I never! Then fan before passing out.
“It’s not an obsession!”
Oh boy.
Clearly someone had taken a trip to the de-Nile river…
“You don’t need to eat two cheese wheels a day.”
“You don’t need to do a lot of things kitten, but you do them anyway. One golden buzzer for two weeks, two impulsive thoughts everyday…”
Plagg trailed off…looking like a planning-something-menace…before he spoke again.
“And I get to pick them.”
Again…thoughts of his day…and what he had to deal with…Plagg couldn’t do much damage. And he had faith in Plagg not to go completely insane. His eyes began to burn from the stink and lack of sleep.
There wasn’t any doubt in Adrien’s mind that the bet would throw some weirdness in the routine of his day tomorrow. In fact, Adrien more or less saw himself as probably being used for Plagg’s whims somehow some way…
Maybe becoming a cheese maker?
Who knew how Plagg’s tiny little mind worked.
Adrien stood and glanced over to the digital clock on his desk. He had spent an hour and ten minutes dealing with these shenanigans. Spending the next forty minutes going back and forth…it didn’t sound like a good time unless ping-pong was involved.
“Fine, but you need to clean up these sculptures before I get out of the shower.”
The only reply was a burp.
Nice. That was sarcasm by the way. Adrien gave Plagg one more glance over…and strongly judged on whether or not Plagg was going to hold up his deal. From Plagg, there was only innocence and big, large, cute cat eyes. That look was reserved for Puss in Boots alone.
The cute cat look…it earned Adrien’s suspicions instead. Adrien quickly grabbed his red and black ladybug themed pajamas from his closet. He walked over to the bathroom towards. Something in his gut made him pause, and Adrien whirled around on his heels.
Plagg was in the middle of licking a lawful of Camembert…as if a worshipped god feeding himself grapes. Now, that could’ve be some artistic expression with the right kind of medium. Adrien wasn’t going to give Plagg anymore ideas than he already had.
“I mean it, Plagg. All cleaned up. Gone. Vanished. And not stuffed under my bed, or in the foosball table, pulled into the skateboarding ramps, the walls, sofa, my closet, or under the floorboards. Not a trace to be seen or a crumb to find.”
“I got it kitten. Go go, I need to be left alone with my cheese.”
To that, Adrien had nothing but the urge to flee. Which he did, with a quick turn, an open door, him going into the bathroom, and slamming the door closed behind him.
Was it possible to feel like he was getting too old for Plagg’s shit?
Or things change as quickly as cheese sculptures fall apart.
Who knew.
Adrien quickly undressed… showered…ahem relieved stress…and got dressed in no time at all. And true to Plagg’s word. All the cheese. All the sculptures. Were gone. And his television was off. His computer looked quiet. As if this was the normal night he had expected to walk into.
It was peaceful in a way…after all the Plagg caused chaos.
Even if Adrien felt the impending something in the air. He was too tired to care. Sluggishly, he walked over to his bed and face planted into his pillow.
Bed now.
He’ll worry about this tomorrow.