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Amber eyes shot open, his body covered in sweat while his heart thudded hard against his chest. It happened whenever he had a bad dream. Those have been happening a lot lately. Practically every night, much to Ren’s worry. The dreams seemed too graphic, too depressing, too horrifying to be dreams. They made him never want to sleep again. Or at the least sleep less than he wanted to. It was taking its toll on his body. Who knew that being human would be this arduous and trying. Ren wouldn’t mind the trials he has to face because he was finally with Aoba but honestly, he could do without the nightmares…
It has been occurring for the last few weeks after he and Aoba admitted their feelings to each other.
With each passing day for the past five weeks, his general appearance was paler than normal, his eyes were red, and had dark circles. It wouldn’t be long until bags form under those beautiful amber colored hues. He felt more tired than he should. And he figured it was only getting worse.
And when this particular morning, overcast with a few showers here and there, had him waking up with tear stained cheeks, he knew these nightmares were affecting him more than just physically. Sadness and pain filled his heart, aching in a way that almost made it impossible to breathe. Ren felt guilty when he saw how worried Aoba was becoming for his sake. It was probably too late for Ren to lie and say he is alright. He knew better than that and he also was aware Aoba knew him better than anyone.
What’s more, these dreams were not about him. They were not about Aoba either.
The dreams were about Sei and what he was going through with zero consent. All of the experiments, the tests, so many tests… Everything they had done to Sei's body from the moment he took his first breath of his life… It was no wonder all of that had taken a toll on his body. There were even several moments Ren saw in the vast amount of memories where Virus and Trip had done vile, unspeakable things to Sei. Things Ren wished he didn’t have to remember so vividly after waking up. They were so vivid to the point Ren swore he could feel the things they had done to Sei long after he woke up each day. To the point he almost couldn’t bare to have Aoba touch him even in the most innocent of ways. And this was the man he loves more than the world.
These memories… They were all Sei had knew. He never had the life of freedom and without pain he so desperately craved. A life from being treated like a lab rat or a toy someone can play with until it broke. He never had the chance to have a taste of another life outside of all that. For twenty-three long, harrowing years. His dark eyes had lost their shine so early on, becoming vacuous, empty. Ren had seen those eyes in person when he and Aoba met Sei. However, the thoughts and feelings imbued within those memories made the hurt Ren noticed in Sei’s eyes stronger. Sei was truly in pain and wanted release from it.
What did this mean? Was Ren’s time as a human up? Wasn’t because he and Aoba finally made love with each other for the first time with his new, given body? Since there was no Oval Tower, Ren thought that maybe Sei would like to have his body back. It wasn’t impossible for him to transfer his soul back to the body it once belonged. Sei’s soul could be lingering on the earth after all. Honestly, the dark-haired male wondered in the back of his mind this might happen one day. The day when Sei would ask to take his human body back. The day Ren won’t have he wonderful privilege to be with Aoba anymore.
Ren’s heart ached more painfully and he couldn’t suppress the sob that escaped through his lips, pressing his fists against his eyes to keep the tears at bay to no avail. The sound woke Aoba up who then focused his sleepy gaze on Ren. The blue-haired male roused himself when he noticed Ren’s fresh tears streaming down his face. His hand came to rest on Ren’s cheek, wiping away the falling tears.
“Ren, you have been like this for weeks now,” Aoba said, almost whispering as he held his beloved’s shaking form. “Can you please tell me what is bothering you?”
The sound of Aoba’s concerned voice only fuels Ren’s worsening mood and he averted his eyes from Aoba’s face. He wasn’t sure how he should tell Aoba what the dreams really are about amongst the other worry tugging at his heart. Moreover, he wasn’t sure of he even wanted to tell Aoba this. In a span of two years, he has found out things about himself he never knew about, has been betrayed by a couple of people he thought were friends, found out he had a twin brother moments before meeting and losing him in one sitting, fell in love with Ren who was originally a part of Aoba himself. All of that was a lot to take and Ren was quite aware of this.
It is why he wishes to keep quiet about his own problems. He didn’t want his lover worrying about him more than he probably does. If he tells him, then… Aoba would be as sad as he currently is. The dark-haired male couldn’t tell his lover what was the content of the reoccurring dreams, knowing he would be the culprit of Aoba’s unhappiness. If he could do that…
A pair of lips against his forehead brings Ren out of his own thoughts as he turned his teary gaze onto Aoba. He wants to tell him yet he doesn’t want to tell him. Such dual feelings clash inside him fiercely. He was beginning to feel confused while Aoba’s gaze turns more worrisome. Ren figured he was making Aoba worry by keeping his feelings bottled up. He realized his anxiety and worries were not affecting only him. Amber eyes turned downcast before he finally came to a decision to tell Aoba what he could about the dreams and what he thinks they could mean.
“Aoba.” Ren began, his voice sounded fairly strained. “The dreams I’ve been having… They were about Sei.”
“They were about Sei? All of them?” Aoba asked, a feeling of apprehension and a sense of dread surged up in his chest. He sat upright in their bed and Ren followed suit, almost as if they were magnets.
Ren nodded. “Yes. They all consisted of him and how he lived. It was… I’m not sure if I should repeat what I saw. Not now.”
The dark-haired male thought he shouldn’t because it was horrendous enough just for him to know. His eyebrows furrowed as Aoba looked down at his lap, pondering something. And from what Ren had vaguely explained to him, he figured the dreams Ren had every night, weren’t dreams.
“They must be his memories, right? Ren, are they that bad?” he questioned his lover who nodded again. “He… Sei must have suffered more than he let on. Nii-san…”
The dispirited sigh which came from Aoba resulted in the rising guilt within Ren. Of course it would be painful to mention anything about Sei, especially after knowing what he had been subjected to. And Ren felt horrible for admitting he has Sei’s memories inside him now. Ren avoided making contact with Aoba’s hazel eyes so he wouldn’t see the sadness brewing within them, not realizing what was truly going through the shorter man’s mind.
It seemed as though the blue-haired male remembered what Virus and Trip had told him about Sei and how he was too weak to deal with being experimented on and using Scrap too much. Those two seemed to know a lot about his twin’s predisposition. Sure, they basically freelanced under Toue. That’s a given. But Virus and Trip knew too much about his long lost twin for work purposes. It meant they most likely done terrible things to Sei, using him, breaking him beyond repair. The same things Ren probably dreamt about for many nights as if he was there, experiencing it all. As to why he was the one to have Sei’s memories was probably due to his body had formerly belonged to Sei. It was the only plausible reason he had came up with.
“…I want to continue to be at your side,” Ren murmured, breaking Aoba away from his thoughts.
“I know. I want that too. And so does Sei,” Aoba assured him. “He gave you his body so you could live as a human, Ren.”
“But Sei’s memories are merging with my own. I had begun to wonder if this is a sign he may want to come back.” Ren admits, pulling away from Aoba then averted his eyes again. “If that happens, I can’t be with you anymore no matter how much I wish to be. I’m sorry.”
A heavy silence fell upon the couple as Ren’s words set in. This was possible but Aoba couldn’t sense his older twin’s presence at all. However, he hadn’t known he had a twin brother in the first place. Since Ren is the one harboring Sei’s memories, he thought he should accept them as another part of him. Just as he accepted his other self, his Desire, as his own person during that moment in Scrap. This was somewhat similar to that moment. Aoba knew what he should say to Ren.
Cupping Ren’s face with his hands, Aoba forced Ren to look at him in his eyes. Not with the intention of using Scrap on him but for Ren to see and understand one thing. He opened his mouth and the next several words to come out of his mouth was something Ren actually needed to realize himself.
“Ren, this may be hard but you should try to accept Sei’s memories,” Amber eyes widened in shock at this request but Aoba continued, wanting to elaborate his suggestion thoroughly. “If I had to guess, Sei wanted you to know what happened to him and talk to me about it. Not all at once but just a little bit at a time.”
Was that it? Was that the reason he had left some of his memories behind in him? So Sei didn’t have the intention of taking his body back. The real reason was clear as day once Aoba’s words finally sunk in, washing away some of the thick haziness of worry and doubt. Of course… Sei not only wanted someone to save him but also to listen to his story. And hopefully help him cope through the aftermath of it all. Aoba had already done one of those things with Ren at his side. Ren knew this. Now, Ren needed to cope with these memories and additional feelings belonging to Sei. It was the one thing Sei hasn’t been able to do, not including his wish for freedom. His golden eyes soften as if he wanted to ask Aoba if he could help him deal with them despite his unwillingness to burden Aoba with his own problems.
“I know you’re worried and scared but I will be with you every step of the way.” Aoba said as he touched his forehead to Ren’s. “As someone who loves you no matter what, I intend to help you, Ren.”
“Aoba…” Ren breathed as his eyes fluttered closed at the warmth he was being enveloped in.
It was comforting, being taken care of like this when he wanted to be the one to take care of Aoba. He must have really worried him. The calm slowly ebbed away a little to make room for his anxiety. His hands shook slightly as he placed them over Aoba’s hands and gently squeezed them in apology.
“I’m sorry for making you worry, Aoba.” Ren sighed. He really felt bad about it now that everything was, sort of, in the open.
“Don’t feel bad. If I worry about you, it means that I love and care about you.”
With that, Aoba gently pulled Ren close then laid down on the bed with him in his arms. The dark-haired male didn’t protest as he allowed Aoba to do as he pleases because he trusted him. As soon as they lay down on the bed together, Ren buried his face into Aoba’s neck, inhaling his scent. It was the smell of berry-scented shampoo in his long hair and a smell that was entirely Aoba. To Ren, he smelled like the light of the sun on a beautiful, breezy summer day. Warm. That was how Aoba seemed to Ren. It helped calm him a little and Aoba blew a sigh of relief as he felt Ren relax. A gentle smile came to his face when he felt Rin nuzzle him affectionately.
“Feeling a little better?” he asked as he cart his fingers through Ren’s dark hair.
“I’m getting there,” Ren replied then planted a few light kisses on Aoba’s neck. “Thank you, Aoba…”
“You’re very welcome,” Aoba chuckles fondly and places a kiss on top of Ren’s head, his arms wrapped around his shoulders more firmly.
Ren’s arms found their way around Aoba’s body and had the other male press flush against him. It wasn’t with the intention of sexual interest. He just wanted to feel closer to Aoba, to feel more of that warmth to ease his disquiet mind. It helped as a peaceful calm fell over both of them. It has been too long since Ren had felt like this. The anxiety has simmered down to the point he could ignore it in favor for the calm Aoba provided for him. He wanted to stay like this but a sudden thought came to mind and he removed himself from Aoba’s arms, causing the other male to gaze up at him questionably.
“Nothing is wrong but don’t you have to leave for work?” Ren asked Aoba who then shook his head.
“I have the day off today. But even if I didn’t, I would have taken a day off to make sure you’re alright.” Aoba answered as he beckoned Ren to lay back down. Today was going to be a very lazy day for him.
“I wouldn’t want you to do that…”
“I know but if you weren’t alright while I go to work, I would be worried. So making sure you’re happy is important to me.”
Ren laid down beside Aoba and pulled him close to himself again. He tensed a little at Aoba’s fingers threading through his hair but didn’t pull away as their faces grew closer. The taller male closed the gap as he pressed his lips against Aoba’s for a tender kiss, pouring the love he has for Aoba into it. And feeling more of that love being returned. The reassurance from this form of communication spoke in more words than Ren could muster for the time being and that was fine. They pulled away only to touch their foreheads together once more then stared into each other’s eyes.
Ren murmured then same words Aoba used to say to him when he was still an AllMate.
“Thank you for being there for me, Aoba.”
“The pleasure is mine.” Aoba responded, his smile was radiant and he brought his hand from Ren’s hair to touch his cheek.
The rain outside pattered softly against the patio window, being ignored by the two lovers. All was well as long as they could take care of each other when feeling down. Ren feels like it is so, at least.