Chapter Text
The Next day, Pinkie Pie feels terrible. She feels so bad that she starts doing more ketamine and also crystal meth (She eats the crystals because in Equestria, all crystals taste like rock candy.) She gets so high and cries so much that she creates a kiddy pool’s worth of tears. She proceeds to hallucinate a kiddy pool of tears, then she wishes it into existence so she now has two kiddy pool’s worth of tears. Suddenly Jesus appears. Pinkie Pie isn’t sure if he is real or if she hallucinated him too. Jesus says:
“Always remember to pay your taxes”
A fanfare plays. It is ‘Every Move I Make’ by Hillsong Worship music. He speaks once more.
“Remember that doomscrolling is not a substitute for food when filling the void in your heart left by everyone you knew and loved that are now gone and will never be here or the same again.”
Pinkie Pie looks up through tear stained eyes. “My Lord, why do you say these things?’
“They are the truth, my child.”
Pinkie Pie is now in love again. Parasocial love, with Jesus. He departs and ‘Every Move I Make’ by Hillsong worship fades as he ascends at the rate of a yeeted piece of broccoli. Pinkie Pie is taken to pony hospital where she is treated for drug overdose.
When she wakes up, she doesn’t remember anything from more than a month ago. She feels a strong urge to eat rock candy. Pinkie Pie is examined for mould poisoning and in the process, finds out she is pregnant. She cannot wait to tell her loving boyfriend, Lord Farquaad, the good news. A dramatic music track plays and Pinkie Pie is confused. “Can anypony else hear that?” She asks. The nurses think she is back on the ketamine + meth grind again and she is taken to the pony psych ward.
Pinkie Pie does not like pony psych ward. She hatches an escape plan. She sharpens all the pencils during designated colouring time and goes ham on all of the residents, nurses and patients. Blood is everywhere. She manages to disembowel a security guard. Nopony is left breathing. Pinkie Pie stands in the midst of it all, heaving and whinnying with fury before her face stills. She knew what had to be done.
She took to the streets and everypony went quiet and started whispering. Pinkie Pie is covered in blood and various fleshy, meaty bits. Her hair is matted with the stuff. Every hour she grows more pregnant. She must find Lord Farquaad quickly. Her desire for rock candy meth overpowers her desire to see Lord Farquaad, so she decides to take a pit stop somewhere with a stash first.
Pinkie Pie finds Gru’s secret stash of meth and eats it all. She is higher than the sun on the summer solstice. Her newfound energy makes her crave violence again. She finds Gru’s prize pink, bedazzled handaxe. This is the perfect weapon. She starts to vividly remember Jesus’ wisdom. She must remember the truth about doomscrolling. She drops the axe and falls to her knees dramatically.
Just then, Gru comes in with his hubby; "Jschlop". They are staring lovingly into each other's nasal cavities, a gesture of sexual affection. Just then, Gru notices her. Right next to his special handaxe. “Noooooo! My perfect child has been tainted by your touch!” He yells. He is pissed at Pinkie Pie. Gru pulls out his hot topic machine gun from the waistband of his underwear (he is skinnythick so he can't wear mens pants, so he wears womens pants which don't have pockets. The girlies get it.) and starts shooting at Pinkie Pie. She is out of ideas, there is nowhere to run, she is looking right down the barrel of a gun, so she dreams of the voices in her head, delusions mock her, her best friend is dead. Wait, she never had a best friend. What the fuck was that (please if you get that ilyyy). Pinkie Pie is hit. She is hit again. She is hit once more. She is hit another time. She is hit even more. She is hit again for good measure. "Jschit" gasps dramatically, one hand on his forehead another on his chest. “Great heavens! What should we do, Gruky-Pookie?”
Gru thinks long and hard. Many hours pass.
“Let’s display her body so everypony knows what happens to ponies that mess with my axes.”
Pinkie Pie is crucified on a wooden cross stuck into the dead ground of Gru’s front yard. Below her, a sign reads: “ This is the fate of those who touch my axes.”. By this time Pinkie Pie is sober once more. She feels herself getting dangerously close to birth. She must escape and find Lord Farquaad. Suddenly she feels her heartbeat slow and her insides make way. She is giving birth. Her abdomen starts splitting in two and her child emerges from her womb like a bird from an egg, clawing it’s way desperately to daylight. Pinkie Pie feels the life ebb from her body.
Pinkie Pie is dead.
The child, fresh from the womb, calls itself Sans Undertale. Megalovania starts playing obnoxiously loudly from nowhere in particular as Sans stands triumphantly. The child, who does not know language, sniffs out the nearest library and reads a dictionary. It is not very interesting, but Sans Undertale understands that he needs to learn more. He then reads several books on demonic rituals and practical necromancy. He returns to his mother’s corpse with a plan.
He finds it surprisingly hard to get the nails out of her hooves, but he manages. Sans Undertale carries Pinkie Pie off Gru’s property and to the top of a mountain that he has already prepared. Five living ponies sit in a circle. The only reason they stayed is because Sans Undertale promised they would be tax-free after the ritual. Candles and blood are strewn about like confetti. It doesn’t look professional but it will suffice. Sans places his mother in a 5-pointed star in the middle of the ponies.
The ritual requires the deceased’s favourite item, so Sans Undertale brought a mix of meth and ketamine mixed with holy water ( holy water is present for the ritual). He pours it over Pinkie Pie and starts reciting the incantation: “Ta mère est une milf, et ton père est un dilf.” He repeats this until he feels a presence among them. The six ponies are now levitating with their legs slack and mouths and eyes open, light streaming from them. The presence is not who Sans Undertale expects. Jesus appears. ‘Every Move I Make’ by Hillsong Worship starts playing.
“This app has been blocked by your administrator.”
He says calmly whilst floating in a T-pose. When he finally gains movement and looks down, he frowns unhappily.
“Bummer, I really liked that follower.”
Both Sans Undertale and Jesus sit in another two moments of silence before Sans asks “Can you do the ceremony if you like her so much?”. Jesus looks over at Sans like he’d just performed his own set of miracles (chat did i dangle my participle?).
“You know, I never realised I could.”
With a wave of his hand, Jesus resurrects Pinkie Pie.
“My work here is done. I must experiment with my new free will.”
‘Cornerstone’ by Hillsong Worship plays as Jesus ascends, symbolising a change. He ascends slowly this time. He ascends at the speed of a rhinoceros when it sleeps.
Pinkie Pies eyes open. She lives. All six other ponies begin convulsing on the ground. Jesus is still ascending, he reaches the lithosphere within a few hours.
Sans Undertale greets his mother. They do not need to talk because occasionally they are able to speak telepathically. Pinkie Pie gets up and walks slowly away from the scene and down the mountain. Sans follows briskly. They leave the gruesome scene behind for the Equestria janitors.
They head for Ponyville to search for Lord Farquaad. Along the way, they run into a fair. Pinkie Pie and Sans Undertale decide that they must complete some mother-child bonding objectives. They go on another killing spree. Nopony runs. Nopony screams. They know that they are done for. Pinkie Pie and Sans Undertale get bored very quickly and they shift back to finding Lord Farquaad.
They find him in his house in his bedroom in his bed with red amogus. Pinkie Pie gasps dramatically. This is the biggest, hottest cup of tea in all of Equestria. She gets out the phone that she stole from "Jschweetly sings the donkey" and starts filming. She doesn't care that he is cheating, as she is starting to remember the horrible, vile things he has done.
She streams live on twitch. Almost immediately the entirety of Equestria is watching and betting on what will happen next. Pinkie Pie is making a lot of money. She just passes one million dollars when red amogus looks up and screams. It screams so loud that it is heard all throughout ponyville. All the ponies run to the scene at the speed of black friday shoppers. They are gossipping. One of them yells “Hey is that the imposter?”. Red amogus is now a sussy imposter. Farquaad gasps and starts bawling loudly, “I thought what we had was real!”. Red amogus sussy imposter opens up it’s chest cavity and consumes Lord Farquad.
Pinkie Pie (still suffering brain injury from her resurrection) rips the tibia from the nearest pony’s leg and starts absolutely whaling on red amogus sussy imposter to properly kill Lord Farquaad. Red amogus sussy imposter hisses and writhes, becoming an amorphous eldritch being of many limbs, arms and faces. Pinkie Pie runs to the center of the house and presses the emergency meeting button. An alarm sounds and everybody appears at the meeting. They all vote to eject red among us sussy imposter.
Red among us sussy imposter reaches the lithosphere at the same time as Jesus.
Pinkie Pie is regarded as a hero. She is marched to Equestria and a democratic preferential election is held between Pinkie Pie and Celestia. Pinkie Pie wins because of the sheer amount of propaganda flooded though Equestria.
Pinkie Pie’s first decree is that methamphetamine and ketamine become legal. Sans Undertale’s first decree (as prince) is that Gru and "Jskibidi dop dop dop yes yes" are jailed for obstruction of resurrection.
Sans Undertale begins his plans for pony earth domination. He turns all citizens of Equestria into either soldiers or slaves for the nation of Undertale. Pinkie Pie’s reign is one of terror. She holds absolute control.
In jail, Gru and "Jschlieffen" form a plan to escape. They organise yoga Tuesdays for all the inmates in the prison. After a few weeks, the prison guards stop caring and all the inmates have a suitable thirst for freedom. On the eleventh of September, the prisoners kill all the guards with their yoga-kung fu mix of martial arts. Gru takes his handaxe out of his ass and starts chopping up the guards into small pieces. It is a bloody, brutal battle. Gru stands, looking over the mess with "Jschonight will be the night that I will fall for you". He is a hero from a superhero movie.
The prison inmates, led by Gru, rise up against Pinkie Pie.
Slim Shady becomes the anthem of the revolution.
The culminative (shut the fuck up it is a word google docs) day comes. Gru and "Jschim on tonight you know my hips don’t lie" storm the palace with all the slimmest and shadiest ponies. “Je m’appelle Slim Shady!” He yells as the hordes of Pinkie Pies soldiers bear down on them. After a brief and bloody battle, Pinkie Pie and Sans Undretale are captured. Order is restored.
The next day, Pinkie Pie and Sans Undertale are burned at the stake. Pinkie Pie’s fumes are bright pink and smell disgustingly like burning caramel.
Gru gives a speech while Pinkie Pie screams demonically in the background. Sans Undertale does not die. He is already dead. Gru’s speech is about the wonders and glories of communism. He decides to erect an elective monarchy.
Obama-Pony takes control and is declared king. Nopony complains. He is significantly better than Pinkie Pie.
The woke movement forces everyone to dye their hair blue and select a set of pronouns.
Equilibrium is restored and the hero’s journey arc is complete.