Chapter Text
The first time Karamatsu was teased by his brother's it was nothing serious. They were nearing the end of middle school, and around that time kara was starting to realize the type of person he wanted to be. They all were. the only thing was that karamatsu was the only one who was so...loud about it. So naturally he started to become the butt of every joke. At first it was subtle. They'd say little things like "Damn you almost look as bad as karamatsu!" or "Come on don't do that we already have one embarrassing person in the group!"
Kara didn't really mind these types of comments, becuse at least he could laugh along with them. But, as they grew older they started to become more cold towards him, until it turnd into a natural reaction when ever he walked into the room to tease, mock or ignore him. Kara of course didn't mind. He knew his brothers loved him even if they didn't act on it. He was one hundred percent sure of it. They were all boys and he understood that it wasnt easy to be as cool as him and be able to announce how much he loved his brothers. They had their pride to take care of! But still at the same time he sometimes doubted that notion...sometimes his brothers just crossed the line.
When they were all in middle school, he had a girlfriend. He'd never admit this to any of the others, in fear of being punched. But he was in fact the first to have a girlfriend.
She wasn't pretty to look at. She was slightly obese, her hair was always greasy and it was cut at an abnormally short length, her skin looked dirty almost all of the time like she never got the chance to wash her self, and she tended to smell pretty bad. but despite all that Kara was head over heels for her because; of the way she smiled when ever he did something silly made his heart swarm, the way she would watch in wonder as he played his instrument (very poorly I must add) made him want to practice more and more everyday just for her, and the way she motivated him to carry out his dreams, told him he could do anything, the way she would whisper to him and say "I believe in karamatsu!" was enough and it made him feel like a piece of gold. And to top it off she had the most beautiful laugh. And every time Karamatsu heard it, he couldn't help but feel happy.
They dated for almost the whole school year. They didn't get to see each other often, but she understood why, if his brothers ever found out he'd never see the light of day again. But when the did meet it was after school in the drama club. Since they both joined that year it made it easy for Kara to have an excuse.
And that last year of middle school, quickly became the happiest year of Karamatsu's life.
When school was finally finished he was looking forward to getting to hang out with his girlfriend by the beach, he imagined them sitting on the shore eating ice cream that Kara bought with his own money, while he told her stories about his bravery and of how he survived in the house where everyone looked the same, and she would be in utter awe and tell him he was amazing, she might even squeal things like "my hero!" If he was lucky and it would make his heart melt, of course he would never show it, but she would be able to tell just by the slight blush on his cheeks. Then Karamatsu would invite her to swim with him, and she would say yes. Everybody around them would notice the two love birds and would leave the water so the could have it all to them self's. But-
That's not how it happened for the Matsuno family went on a trip for the majority of the summer. Karamatsu was devastated. And so was his girlfriend. But he assured her he'd be back in a jiffy.
When they left Karamatsu was crying and of course the other brothers didnt understand why. Nor did they know how to help their brother so they retorted to petty teasing.
But Karamatsu was so engrossed in his thoughts that he didn't even notice. All he could think of was the beautiful girl that would be waiting for him when arrived back home. Though that didn't stop him from being pissed the whole trip. Kara was pissed, and cranky, he almost never smiled he was constantly stirring up trouble and if anyone tried to start something with him he gave them the death glare. Almost all of the brothers were terrified, none of them even dared to ask what was wrong knowing that they might just get their hand chomped off.
When they finally came back, Kara dashed out the car and ran straight into the house grabbing the phone and running into a closet. Quickly he punched in his girlfriends number.
He sat in anticipation as he waited for her to pick up
-ring, ring-
"hello?" the girl answered on the second ring.
"who is this?" She seemed confused, but none the less it didn't phase kara
Karamatsu was enthralled with excitement, oh how he had been longing to talk to her! to the point that he didn't notice that her voice seemed less...heavy. And only later would he figure out why.
"it is I Karamatsu! hello my swee-" Karamatsu was cut off,
"oh, uh hi kara...um can I help you?" She sounded unsure.
he was stunned for a moment, why would she ask that? He thought.
"well I just wanted to meet up with you I'm finally back from-" again he was cut off
"listen Karamatsu-" the way she said his name was cold as ice, it sent shivers down his spine. "-don't call me anymore okay?"
"I don't understand" kara said "I thought you were my one and only karamatsu girl?" the way he spoke sounded almost needy to the girl, and he could hear her struggling with something, what he didn't know.
"Its impossible to let you down easy huh? Listen I dont want you anymore,-" he could here her tone changing, becoming more like is brothers. It felt like she spitting venom all over him.
"-to be honest I never really did. The only reason why I hung out with you in the drama club was beacause there was no one else there that looked like more of an idiot than you."
"I don't understand" he said again in a hushed like whisper.
"Of course you don't your too stupid to understand. Here let me dumb it down for you. The only reason I ever took interest in you was because I wanted to laugh about you behind your back. I mean come on, you didn't actually think I liked you..did you?"
Karamatsu said nothing, he felt his heart breaking into two and he was on the edge of tears.
"but what about all those times that you told me-"
"Listen Karamatsu I never loved you, you were just a dork I decided I wanted to pick on that's all. Don't call this number again."
and she hung up.
Kara was speechless. His cheeks felt wet as he still hung onto the phone, the beeping noise resonating in his mind. The first emotion he could identify was anger. He wanted to hurt something, punch something, anything he could his hands on, he wanted to feel it dying with his finger tips digging into it's flesh choking it to death. Oh and what a joy it would be to watch them cry! Watch them wither beneath him as he kept punching them in the gut over and over again without mercy.
But he stop that train of thought. He knew violence wasn't the answer. So the emotion that replaced it was sadness. It was too overwhelming, he felt so helpless so frustrated, he couldn't do anything about the situation 'I just want to die' he thought, he gasped and shook his head. "No matter who it is Karamatsu cannot be reduced to such thoughts so easily!" he chanted and wiped his eyes and preceded to go downstairs where his brothers were.
All of his brothers were in the front room watching TV, they didnt even seem to notice Karamatsu slip in until Ichimatsu turned around to look at him, his eyes lifeless as ever, "what did you have a nightmare or something?"
Kara looked up at him "n-no-" he hiccupped, but he was cut off.
"you need to stop crying over every stupid thing. Its pathetic. This is why no one likes you."
He felt tears start to well up in his eyes again as he scanned the room. Was that true did no one truly like him? No-no! He tried to reason with himself that's not possible! Even if the don't show it they all care for him! Even if the only way they've ever showed it was through violence and trickery...
The more he thought about it the more he realized Ichimatsu was right. None of them did care about him...if his own brothers didn't love him how could he expect others to?
slowly Kara rose up, tear falling down his face onto the carpet as he whispered a quite excuse me and walked out grabbing the laptop on the way to the bathroom
He closed the door and locked it then sat on the toilet as he fiddled around to open the laptop. They all had separate accounts, which was a relief, because he could only Imagine the drama that would happen if they all had accesses to each others history. Quickly he clicked onto his account and typed in his password 'Karamatsu girls' as he tried to ignore the fact that his finger tips were wet from his falling tears.
Swiftly he clicked on the internet browser and typed "what do you do when nobody loves you?" He hesitated before clicking the enter button, he let out a small wail as he read the the words he typed before confirming.
-
There were thousands of forums and posts most of them saying things like "that's not true don't think like that!" and it just made Karamatsu want to scream back "it is true!" but he decided it would be pointless to do so, he continued his search. Eventually he stumbled around one that actually gave a useful strategy on how to cope with this realization without hurting your family.
Karamatsu was relieved because that's exactly what he was looking for! He was eager and his mind absorbed the information like a sponge.
The technique was called "cutting".
He had never heard of anybody doing this before but the way the person described it was like he was being sold something, and it worked.
The explanation was that when ever they were upset or felt bad they would take a sharp blade and bring it to there wrist and cut. Apparently it helps take out frustration and sadness and anger without hurting anybody else besides yourself! And it was great for when you didn't want your family to worry about you (not like his family would notice).
Kara thought for a good long while about this technique. The way the person described it made it seem like it was exactly what he needed, because at this moment he was feeling hopless and lost and angry and sad, but at the same time he was scared. he'd never purposely hurt himself before 'what if I pass out from blood loss?' well its not like anybody would notice he reasoned with himself, 'besides! this way I can take out my frustrations with out having to burden everyone!" and that seemed to be the convincing point because right after that he got up and went to the kitchen to grab a knife.