Archive of Our Own

Part One

Stare fuzzily at the screen. Well the staring isn’t fuzzy just the screen. Blink, frown. No that’s not right either. Screen’s not fuzzy, well it is, it’s just that it’s not the only thing that’s fuzzy, everything is. Fuzzy, soft around the edges and warm. Blink, happy I’ve figured it all out, and lean further back in a haze of contentment. Sean’s hand slips, fingers sliding forward and over my eyes. Tilt back and smile up at him.

“You right there?” more warmth, in his voice this time, faint amusement trying to sound stern, annoyed.

Nod and smile, causing his hands to slip and slide through my hair, scrape against my scalp. Feel my eyes close even as the purr starts. Feel him jolt on the couch above me. Love the feel of his fingers sliding through my hair again, deliberately rubbing against my scalp. Sigh softly and continue purring.

“What is that?” Viggo questioning from next to Sean, can hear the frown in his voice.

“He’s purring if you can believe it.”

Snort of laughter, not sure if it’s Viggo or Sean. Feel Sean’s fingernails scrape harder into my scalp, under the curls then catching curls in his fingers and gently pulling. Moan and purr some more. Sean just chuckles into the darkness, caresses soft fingers through my hair. Force my eyes open to watch the movie but they feel heavy, keep sliding closed in the pleasure.

Force them open for what feels like the hundredth time and cast my hands and eyes around for my drink. Elijah is staring at me, fuzzy but those eyes are crystal in the gloom. Wide, staring, I vaguely register hunger, need, a sudden aching sadness. He just keeps staring, watching from where he folded himself into an armchair hours ago. Realize belatedly he can’t tell my eyes are on him. I’m looking up at him through eyelashes so Sean won’t stop with the stroking. I don’t even think he knows he’s doing it anymore. So if I move he might stop. Gesture at Elijah so he knows I’m talking to him.

“C’mere.” Slurring slightly, sounds soft.

He starts, blinks, suddenly unsure.

“C’mere.” Softly pat the carpet next to me.

He hesitates for another moment then flows, smooth as liquid out of the armchair and down onto the floor, crushes the carpet under his hands and knees as he prowls forward. Sean’s fingers snag on a curl and the purr cuts into a moan. His fingers are still, Elijah prowls closer, eyes intent and I whimper, whine a little, shifting restless under Sean’s hand, begging for more. Soft chuckle and his hand and fingers resume, sensuous, languid, flowing pleasure through my hair.

Blink and realize I closed my eyes again. Elijah’s much closer now, kneeling at my shoulder. Reach up and brush a fingertip over his cheek, his jaw, bottom lip. Feel more than see his tongue dart out, quick flash of heat, wet and it’s gone. Rest fingers, palm on the back of his hot neck, and coax at him.

“Down.” Pulling his head towards my lap.

Flash of…something…something hot, tongue flickering over his lips, wetting them.

“Lay down.”

That look gone, sadness, need and he folds, crumples till his head is in my lap, cheek against my thigh. Warmth flickering up from Elijah’s head, down from Sean’s hand, meeting somewhere in the middle. Smile content and slide my fingers up his neck into his hair, feel him sigh as I stroke, rub the tips against his scalp. Watch him curl round himself, relax as I touch him, mimic Sean’s fingers on me. Stroking. Feel my eyes dip closed again and I let them. Just to listen and feel.

Hear the movie end and Sean and Viggo start to talk, art, poetry, new projects. Finally Viggo is starting to sound tired. Hear him break off with a yawn, stand, take a few steps and suddenly Elijah yelps, jolts in my lap. Blink lazily down at him, up at Viggo, up at Sean.

“I’m sorry Elijah, didn’t see you there.”

Elijah’s not moving, except to nuzzle against my thigh, push into my hand which still rests on his head. Sean strokes my hair again.

“Will you be alright to get home?” Viggo talking to Sean.

“I’ll be fine, I didn’t drink much.” His fingers tightening and I force myself to look up, tilt my head back further.

“You, are coming with me.” Smiling. “Wake the Hobbit.”

Nod, blink and stare down at Elijah.

Takes a few tries to get him onto his feet. He just seems to relish the floor, or the couch or me. Eventually get him up and out the door though, into the back of Sean’s silver SVU. He immediately slumps into the seat, eyes closed. Sean and I thank Viggo for the wine, beer and dinner, thank him for putting up with rude company that falls asleep and he laughs, says he’ll see us on Monday.

Sean and I talk softly all the way to my place. I offer him coffee as thanks, it’s a fair drive further to get to his, and it’s late. He just smiles and tells me to get out of his car, the old man’s tired and wants to go home, he does have Elijah drop home first remember? Smile and say thanks, opening the door. Closing the door when the back door opens. Elijah just managing to stay on his feet.

“Get back in the car Elijah, Sean’ll take you home.”

He just blinks at me, moves away from the car, towards my apartment block.

“Need a hand,” Sean asks. “To get him back in the car?”

Glance back at Elijah who’s shakily conquering the low steps.

“Nah, it’s alright, I’ll take care of him, you go, he can sleep at mine.”

“You sure? I don’t mind driving him.”

Glance back and he looks like he’s pondering the tropical flowers amongst the tree ferns.

“It’s probably for the best.” Grin back at Sean. Sean catches sight of Elijah poking at a large pink one and chuckles, warm, deep.

“You’re probably right.”

“Thanks for the lift Sean, goodnight.”

“Night.” Sudden sharp gasp. “I think you better go help the poor Hobbit.”

Turn to see Elijah pulling himself out of the garden, swatting at the fern with heavy hands. Try not to laugh as Sean pulls away and I walk towards the building. Elijah’s on his feet again.

He’s silent in he lift, stumbles into the living room and crumples into the sofa.

“I’ll get you some coffee.”

Watch him nod then head for the kitchen. It takes a few minutes to fill the kettle, put it on to boil and prepare two mugs so when I’m done I’m not surprised Elijah’s no longer on the sofa. Drift towards the bathroom but he’s not there either. Frowning I discover soft light coming from my bedroom. Stand at the door and sigh, taking it all in. Elijah’s jeans and shirt on the floor, bedside lamp on. Elijah himself under the covers and fast asleep, one hand up under his chin, fingers curled.

Sigh and wonder how long it’ll take me to make up the spare bed. Hear the kettle whistle blow, loud and high pitched, Elijah doesn’t even stir. Damn. But he is on the far side of the bed, near the wall, the bed is big enough, and I doubt he’ll notice. And it’s my bed damnit and I want to sleep in my own bed. Head back to the kitchen to turn the kettle off.

Part Two

Wake to sunlight and groan, roll over to get away from the glare and discover Elijah still deeply asleep, hair tousled, face smooth and relaxed, hand curled up near his cheek now. He looks like some sort of angel. Clean, smooth and sweet. The white sheet and pillow case framing his face only making the image worse. Blink and realize I’m staring. Roll over and check the time. Ten past one. No wonder the light’s streaming in. Feel my stomach rumble. Need food, a shower. Slide out of bed and catch myself staring again, a full patch of sunlight has fallen over him and yet he still sleeps. Sunlight is only making him look more like a fallen angel, making the entire thing worse so I retreat to a shower.

No one should look that innocent, that helpless and vulnerable. I used to think it was the eyes, so big and blue that gave the impression of such utter innocence. Maybe I was wrong.

Let the water roll over me, beating against my back, falling in crystalline drops to the floor. Sunlight again. Makes everything beautiful. Wash slow, rubbing the soap in, soaking in the scent of it. Some days I crave it, especially after the long shoots, the physical ones where I end up hot, cold, sweaty and covered in dirt. The long nights when all I want is a good long, hot shower. Rinse off the soap and step out. Air’s humid now, soft and warm, and last night returns in a quiet rush. Warmth, soft, fuzzy. Sean’s fingers. Purring. Suddenly flushing red. Pretty pathetic thing to do, get drunk and purr for some guy to stroke my hair.

Has it really been that long since some touched me? That I needed to that to feel good again? Stare at myself in the mirror and turn away. Have I really become so desperate? Grab a thick towel and dry off, realize too late I didn’t bring any clean clothes with me. Pull the boxers on and pull the door open. Gasp in the cold air, goose bumps suddenly rising, nipples hard. Should have remembered clothes. Get caught up staring at Elijah again, as soon as I walk through the bedroom door. Sunlight’s filtering through his hair now, looks like a brown and gold halo. Angel.

Shake my head perplexed, reaching for the bedside table, top drawer. How can a grown man look like that? Notice the lamp is half off the table, alarm clock pushed all the way to the back. Smile. Can just imagine Elijah drunk as he was last night trying to turn on the light. Straighten the lamp back up and put the alarm clock back where it’s supposed to be. Rummage in the top drawer for clean boxers. Elijah finally stirs, yawns. Turn to watch his eyes open. Brilliant, crystal blue. Shock. Confusion followed very quickly by something I can’t quite fathom. Eyelids heavy, watching me freeze, dark green satin boxers in one hand, slowly standing up straight.

“Bout time you woke up.” Grumpier than I intended.

That unfathomable look suddenly gone, replaced by hurt, something close to embarrassment or shame. Pale porcelain skin suddenly rosy pink.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to…” closes his eyes and buries his face in the pillow.

Take the opportunity to grab jeans and a shirt from the wardrobe.

“It’s alright, I’ll drop you home later if you like.”

His eyes crack open, well I’m assuming both do, I can only see the right one, peering at me from amongst white cotton.

“Later?” a frown.

“Yeah later, I’m too hungry right now. Get up, bathroom’s down the hall, I’ll get you some coffee.”

He blinks at me, raising himself up on his forearms. Unsure. Blink at him and suddenly it hits.

‘He thinks you’re pissed at him.’ Snort and grin.

“Come on little Hobbit out of my bed, get in the shower.”

Sudden soft smile.

Change clothes in the bedroom as I hear the water start. He remembered to take his clothes with him. Kettle whistles as the phone starts to ring. Shit. Pick up the phone and run for the kitchen.

“Yeah?”

“Orlando, it’s Dom. Hey is Elijah there?”

“Yeah he’s in the shower though.”

Turn off the kettle and pour water into last night’s mugs. Silence on the other end of the phone line.

“So if was a good night then?” tentative.

“Yeah fine. It’s a pity you and Billy missed it.”

Another pause.

“And Elijah’s in the shower.”

Frowning, I said that already. Maybe Billy fucked all the sense out of him.

“It was a pretty late night then?” he sounds weird, like there’s some part of the conversation I’m missing.

“Yeah fairly. Elijah got totalled.”

“Really and you?” pressing for something but what?

“Not really, not as much as Elijah, he seemed to find the garden out front fascinating.”

“So you…” prompting.

“Brought him upstairs and while I was making coffee he stole my bed.”

Stir milk into both mugs. Hope Elijah takes milk in his coffee, can’t remember seeing him with black coffee.

“He stole your bed?”

“Yeah, left him alone for five minutes and he crawled into my bed.”

Elijah hurries into the room, eyes wide, looks a little panicked.

“Who is it?”

“Dom” I mouth.

His eyes go wider and he reaches for the phone. Frown at him and turn away.

“Into your bed? Uh ha and?”

“Bastard fell asleep, why? He’s here now if you want to talk to him?”

“No, it’s alright, I’ll talk to him tomorrow, just wondered where he got to.”

“Okay Dom, see you Monday.” Hang up.

Elijah’s looking pale, hang over must have kicked in. Hand him his coffee.

“Here, drink it you’ll feel better.” When he looks at it like it’s a foreign object.

“What did Dom say?” takes the mug from my hand.

“He’ll call you tomorrow, just wondering where you were.”

“Oh. He didn’t say anything else?” eyes intent.

“Nope, why?” remember how weird Dom sounded and grin suddenly. “You been playing Hobbit games?” smirk. “Always knew you were into Hobbits Elijah.”

Eyes wide again.

“You know…” stammering.

“I’ve always known. I mean damn Lij, the way you look at some guy’s it’s not half obvious.”

He’s choking on his first sip of coffee. Slap him on the back, careful so he doesn’t spill his coffee.

“It’s alright though. I mean if Dom and Billy are all over each other I doubt you being the same way is gonna bother me.”

He’s looking at me like a just declared I was an alien from Pluto, either that or a Martian from Mars. Notice his hands are shaking, he’s going to spill his coffee so I take the mug from his still, frozen hands.

“You…”

“It’s fine.”

Still that look of total incomprehension.

“Christ Elijah.” Put my coffee down and hug him, just envelop him. “We’re still friends, it doesn’t change anything.”

He doesn’t move and I realize I might be making him uncomfortable so I let him go, hand him back his coffee and pick up mine. He’s silent, won’t meet my eyes.

“Your buttons undone.” He’s blushing madly.

Look down, the two top buttons of my jeans still undone. Forgot about them when I picked up the phone. Button the jeans up all the way.

“Thanks.” Go back to drinking my coffee.

“You hungry? I feel like a proper breakfast.”

He’s blinking at me again, shocked like. Maybe he doesn’t fair so well after alcohol.

“Hey Lij you hungry?”

“Yeah.” Voice husky.

“You alright?” frown worried, he doesn’t look so good.

His head snaps up, stares at me, he blushes again.
“I’m fine.”

Frown at him.

“Really, I’m fine…fine.”

Part Three.

Yawn exhausted and stretch out over the sofa. Hear more than see Billy and Dom shift around in their armchair. It’s well and truly their’s. No one ever sit in it except the two of them. I always sit on the sofa to read or watch TV. room to stretch. Hear Elijah pad softly back from the kitchen. Glance up and look for him in the dull light. He’s walking slowly, careful. Trying not to trip and spill either of the coffee’s in his hands.

Watch as he comes round the end of the sofa, bends down and puts the mugs on the coffee table. Watch as he stretches a little, trying to get kinks out of his back and shoulders. Head tilted back exposing a long line of neck, arms going up and back, making the muscles expand and contract under his shirt. Blue, perfect match for his eyes, but his eyes are closed right now.

Realize I’m staring again and force my yes back to the screen. Snort, sigh, a wordless protest. Look back at Elijah who’s looking down at me. Pouting. He’s tired, can see the shadowed bags under his eyes. Lift my hands up and motion him down.

“But…” eyes wide, protesting.

“Just come here.” Gesture at him again impatiently.

He frowns wary and moves closer slowly.

“Turn around.” Gesturing at him again.

More frowning but he’s obedient, doesn’t protest this time, just sinks down when I grab his hips. Pull him back into me. Slide one leg off the sofa and shift him all the way back, arms coming up around him to cradle him against me.

“See, better.” Statement but he seems to think it’s a question.

“Yeah.” Quiet.

Grin at him and wrap my arms round his chest, feel his back warm against mine. It’s been awhile since I held anyone like this, and then it was only girls. But it feels alright with Elijah, he’s small enough.

“See now you can relax and stretch out.”

His feet barely reach the second caramel coloured cushion.

“Hmm.” Non-committal.

Chuckle at him and slide a hand through his hair, listen to his so soft moans barely louder than sighs. Eventually let my hand fall back down and there’s a little whimper of protest. Cuddle him closer and he doesn’t complain.

Don’t even realize I’m twitching my fingers, stroking over his shirt till his hands cover mine, stilling them. Without warning he rolls over, rests his side and half his chest over me. Feel his arm side round my waist, his cheek warm against my stomach. Rest a hand on his head and slide fingers through his hair. Feel his silent sigh breathe over my stomach, through the shirt, his whole body melts against me. Stroke his hair and go back to watching TV.

After awhile Dom and Billy stir and say they’re off. Elijah doesn’t even stir, he’s sound asleep not even bothering to face the TV.

“Alright then I’ll see you tomorrow, we still on for lunch?”

“Yeah.” Dom pauses. “You want us to take Lij home?”

Look down and stroke fingers through his hair, softly down his cheek. He still doesn’t stir. Not surprising really. Ten days of long, hard shooting and he’s exhausted. I’m surprised he made it all after how he looked after yesterday’s wrap. Thank god we’ve got three solid days down time. He doesn’t have to act exhausted anymore, he just is.

“Nah, he’s fine here. I’ll take care of him. You know how bad he is when he gets this tired. I’ll bring him to lunch tomorrow.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

Dom’s frowning slightly and I realize I’m still stroking his hair. Seem to be doing it a lot lately.

“We’ll see you tomorrow then.” Billy smiling and yanking on Dom’s arm.

“Okay, good night.”

Soft goodnight’s from both of them they’re gone, leaving me with a very much asleep Elijah.

Sit stroking his hair awhile, just watching him sleep. Till finally all the good TV is finished and I want a bathroom break from Elijah’s weight pressing in all the wrong places. Shouldn’t have drunk all that coffee, but without it I wouldn’t have stayed awake. At least not long enough to eat dinner and have a few beers. Bar was a little empty, being as it is Monday and most people were starting their working week. Not us, no our weekend starts on Monday. Frown. Don’t even notice what day of the week it is when we’re working, just …work. Stare down at Elijah, need to get up.

Carefully shift, try to slide out from underneath him but his arm tightens, brows knitting together. Try to gently pry his arm out from under me. Whimper this time.

“Orli!” grumbling.

Cringe, hate that name, the way American’s drag it out. Always hated it in school. Try again to move his arm.

“Orlando?” sleep slurred, suddenly blinking at me.

He looks lost, unsure of where he is and what’s going on.

“Yeah it’s me.” Fingers stroking in his hair again, softly over his cheek.

Soft ‘hmm’ing sigh, eyes fluttering closed.

“Can you let me go?” gentle, tapping fingers on his arm.

Eyes open again, sleep tousled Elijah. He slowly slides his arm out, effectively releasing me. Accept his entire body pins me to the sofa, more weight in the wrong places.

“I need to get up.”

Slow blink, watch recognition dawn and he struggles to sit up.

“Sorry O’lando.” Blinking and absently scratching his arm, watch him yawn.

He’d be useless by himself. He’d never make it to bed, or out of it to eat. He just looks so vulnerable, so helpless and sweet.

“Go get into bed.”

“Your bed?” blinking, frowning, clarity returning to those eyes.

“Yeah my bed, now up, go.”

Standing myself and stretching. He just stares at me, something undefinable in his eyes. Smile down at him.

“Come on Hobbit, it’s not that far, just half a dozen steps that way, no more than a dozen for your little Hobbit feet.”

He grins, suddenly, before I can feel stupid about teasing him. It lights up his whole face. Especially those big blue eyes.

“Come on.” Reach down and help him to his feet.

He leans forward and suddenly too close, rests his head against my chest. Reach out and hold him. Bring him closer till I can feel his warmth down the length of me. Felt cold even in the minute without him there. His arms wrap slowly round my waist, feel him sigh softly, melts against me.

“Oh no you don’t, bed, no sleeping standing up!”

His head turns, tilts up, luminesce eyes suddenly pinning me. The world freezes, time stops then the room swims. His eyes don't even blink. Gasp soft and clutch at his shoulder.

“You alright?”

Can’t speak, mouth too dry.

“Orlando are you alright?” frowning, worried.

“Fine…just…” can’t even begin to explain it.

Maybe I’m coming down with something.

“I’m alright.” Blink, take a deep breath. “Just stood up too fast or something.”

It’s the ‘or something’ that’s niggling.

“You sure?” still frowning, still worried.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Go...climb into bed.”

He pauses. Frowns at me then goes. Watch him walk away then turn out all the lights, turn the TV off and head towards the bathroom.

He’s still awake with the lamp on when I climb into bed beside him. Dark and pale blue stripes framing him this time. Makes him look pale, washed out. Watch him yawn, eyelids heavy. Turn out the light and slide down under the covers.

“Good night.” Soft, when I’m comfortable.

“Night.” Quiet in the dark.

Part Four.

Wake to sunlight in my eyes warmth against my back. One of Elijah’s hands resting on my side. Soft fingers curled against my bare skin. Carefully roll over, expecting him to still be asleep but he’s awake. Though barely, looks like he’s only just opened his eyes too. Face still puffy with sleep. He blinks at me lazily, buried deep in navy and sky cotton, blue reflecting on blue in his eyes. At least he’s looking a little better, a bit more colour in his cheeks since last night. The rest did him good. His hair’s a mess from where I stroked my fingers through it last night.

“Morning.”

Silence, not even a grunt of recognition. Roll back and check the time, it’s still early, we don’t have to meet Dom and Billy for hours yet. Turn back to tell him but he’s already sound asleep again. I wonder why I let/made him climb into bed with me again. Was it just because he’s exhausted and I know he wouldn’t have taken care of himself if I’d driven him home? Or is it because I’m lonely? Been so long since I’ve had anyone in my bed, for any reason.

Except the last time Elijah was in it, but that doesn’t count, he was drunk, probably didn’t even know where he was. But last night he did. And he still agreed to climb into my bed. Maybe he’s lonely too. Just two lonely guys looking for company.

Slide out of bed and head for the shower. Need a shower then breakfast. Elijah just sleeps on as I glide round the room collecting clean clothes. Not going to forget them this time.

Just starting breakfast when Elijah shuffles into the kitchen. He looks like he’s still half asleep.

“How you doing young Hobbit?”

Watery blue eyes and a groan.

“Coffee?”

He merely nods. Make him one as he tries to get the kinks out of his shoulders again, looks painful. Realize suddenly he’s half naked, dressed only in black patterned boxers. Spill the sugar and drag my eyes off his bare muscled legs. He’s groaning like he’s in pain. Put his coffee on the dining table and grab his shoulder, push him into a chair. Startled noise of protest.

“Sit still, trust me.”

He tenses but sits, lets me stand behind him, both hands on his shoulders. Feel for the muscles with firm fingers and find knots, bunches of them running all over his shoulders, under his shoulder blades. Sudden moan, groan but he’s not in pain this time. Watch his head fall forward giving me full access to his back, straight down, loose boxers. Blink. What the hell is wrong with me?

“Drink your coffee, it’ll get cold.”

He starts, head flying back. Press my fingers in, work over the worst of his shoulders and he moans, deep, long. Laugh outright.

“I take it that feels better.”

Groan, another moan and he nods, carefully reaches for his coffee. Pause and he protests.

“Don’t stop.” Voice ragged, low.

“I need something, stay here.”

Oil. I need massage oil.

He’s still hunched over his coffee when I return, most of it gone now.

“You want more?” indicate his mug when he drains it.

Shakes his head.

“More?” hopeful look, blue eyes pleading.

“You don’t want anything to eat first?”

“Not hungry.”

Frown at him, he barely ate last night, how can’t be he hungry? It’s no wonder he’s exhausted if he’s not eating right.

“You should have something. I have cereal or I’ll cook if you want.”

He’s frowning, not sure if he’s annoyed, surprised or grateful.

“What cereal you got?”

“Pure sugar or something with nutritional value?”

Grin.

“What do you think?”

“Sugar it is.”

Pass him a bowl, spoon, the cereal box and milk.

“You sure you don’t want more coffee?”

He just nods, eating. Doesn’t take him long and in the meantime I finish off my coffee and toast.

“You done? Want anything else?”

“No, I’m fine. Except for my shoulders.”

“I get the hint.” Grinning at him.

Put a few drops of the oil on my fingers, just enough to make them slick, warm it between my hands then slide them over his shoulders, down his soft back. Smooth, so pale. Porcelain. Feel him sigh into my hands, instantly relaxing. A moment later he’s moaning again.

“Better?”

“Much but don’t stop.” Almost pleading.

“ I won’t, your back in just one long chain of knots.”

“It hurts.” Small voice.

“I’m not surprised.”

He’s hopeless, it’s perfectly obvious from the size of the knots he’s been in pain for days. Yet he didn’t ask anyone for help. And the way he eats? I’m surprised he hasn’t collapsed by now.

After awhile he’s relaxed into a soft puddle of loose muscles. He’s finally stopped moaning, but I continue to caress fingers down. Stop suddenly. I really shouldn’t do that. No idea why I am. Except his skin’s so smooth, soft. Feel him shiver. It’s cool in the kitchen and now that I’ve stopped massaging him it’s no surprise he’s cooling down. Check my watch. Half past eleven. An hour before we have to leave.

“You should have a shower, put some clothes on.”

He rolls his shoulders. That didn’t sound right.

“I mean you’ll only tense up again if you get cold.”

His head tilts back, glazed blue eyes staring at me through hooded eyes. Lips parted, wet, sudden flicker of tongue. Wonder if his lips are as soft as they look. Jolt. I didn’t just think that. There is definitely something wrong with me, too long without a girlfriend if I’m checking Elijah out. But I wasn’t…checking him out exactly, just noticing.

He blinks lazy, looks like he just came from a nice long fuck. Blush at the images in my head and turn away. Just need to get a girl, alone too long that’s all. But guys? Imagining guys shagging guys, Elijah…oh no, not going there! Reach for the sink to steady myself. Hands suddenly shaking. Hear Elijah get up, head for the bedroom. Bedroom. More images. Elijah naked on the bed, waiting, hard…

Squeeze my eyes shut. I am so not thinking about him like that! Certainly not. Take a deep breath. It’s just the isolation. Out here, with only work and a little down time. No chance to meet women and even when there are chances they only want star fucks. So it’s no wonder this happened, it’s only natural. Natural, right? And anyway it’s not like Elijah’s into me.

Part Five.

“Just…leave me alone.” Pushing me away with both hands as he storms out of the room.

Blink confused and watch him go. I only hugged him hello. Like I always do. But he’s been like this for days now. Ever since Monday night, or maybe Tuesday morning. I don’t know. Don’t know what I’ve done. Because of course he’s only prickly with me. Still buddies with Dom and Billy. But he was fine at lunch on Tuesday, maybe a little cool but not this. Not shouting at me, physically pushing me away.

Unless…unless he noticed me noticing. But it was only a little thing. I mean I wasn’t checking him out. Not really. Just noticing how pretty he is for a guy, how pretty those eyes are, how kissable those lips look. But it’s all innocent, really. It has to be. I don’t like guys, I’m just lonely, it’s just natural after this much isolation. But maybe he thinks I’m teasing, leading him on. I mean the couch, that massage. Maybe he thinks I’m playing with him cause I know he’s into guys. Sigh. But I’m not, he’s just…he’s just…I’m like that with everyone. It’s habit, I like it.

‘But do you take all your co-stars to bed?’ that annoying little voice asks.

But even that was innocent and he didn’t seem to mind. Maybe he did. Maybe that’s it. But I don’t know. It’s driving me nuts. Which thing was wrong? The couch, the massage or the sleeping in my bed thing? Or all of it! Maybe I just shouldn’t. Shouldn’t touch him. Feel something sink inside. I like touching him. He’s just…he’s Elijah. Warm, funny and so huggable. But if it bothers him I won’t.

Two days and he’s still not talking to me. It’s suddenly hard to want to be friendly with anyone. Haven’t had a hug all day. No touching or hugging. Maybe it gets on everyone’s nerves and they just don’t say anything. Never thought of that before. No ones said anything so maybe…Elijah is looking at me over his coffee. Look away. Don’t want him to think I’m staring. Hear his sigh all the way over here. Maybe I should apologise. Look back and he’s walking towards me. Unfold my legs and stand.

“I’m sorry Elijah.”

He blinks, stopping a few feet away.

“Why?”

“For upsetting you, I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.”

Another sigh.

“It wasn’t you Orlando, you didn’t do anything I’m just…” he stops breathless.

He can’t seem to speak cause I’m squeezing him so hard. He didn’t notice me noticing or is uncomfortable with me hugging him. Grin stupidly. Know I’m grinning like an idiot. Feel him sigh, melt into me as he hugs me back.

“It’s me who should apologise.”

“Apology accepted.”

Soft laugh I can feel.

“But Orlando really, I shouldn’t have pushed you away or yelled. I’m sorry for being stupid.”

Let fingers creep up into his hair and stroke though the locks.

“I forgive you.”

Soft moan and he pulls away.

“Stop trying to make me feel better.” Slight frustration. “Be honest with me. I treated you like shit and I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. Really.” When he frowns.

“It’s alright? That you thought you’d done something to piss me off? I know I hurt your feelings, you haven’t acted the same way since.”

I can feel the blush creeping up. So he noticed. I don’t know what he wants me to say. Watch as he runs impatient fingers through his hair, messing it up. Notice Viggo’s waiting, told him we’d practice this morning.

“Seriously it’s alright Lij, I know how much of a diva out little Hobbit star is.”

Those eyes suddenly impossibly wide.

“I am not!” indignant.

Just grin at him.

“Later little Hobbit.” Smirk at him and walk away.

Kissing! Kissing!! I mean I knew guys did it. Kissing I mean. I’ve seen Dom and Billy do it often enough. But this is Elijah! Elijah kissing Dom no less! While Billy watches! Blink. Isn’t Billy jealous? Frown, I shouldn’t be seeing this, shouldn’t watch. But I can’t seem to stop, tear my eyes away.

Dom pulls his lips away a little and Elijah pulls him back, practically devouring those lips. Sad little jealousy, I miss that. Something as simple as kissing. And Elijah looks like he’s good at it, his whole body bent on it. Hands sliding over Dom, hips rocking in closer. Twitch.

‘Oh god I didn’t just!’

Soft little moans. Twitch.

‘Oh no, no, no, no!’

I am not getting off watching Elijah, any two guys getting in on.

Elijah’s hands reaching round, cupping Dom’s arse, rocking harder, gripping him hard. Harder moans. Throb.

‘Oh my God!’

Dom’s hands all over Elijah as Lij’s leg wraps round Dom’s thigh, tilting their hips closer. Dom’s hand tilting Lij’s head, deepening that breathtaking kiss. Dom’s other hand grabbing a handful of Elijah’s arse. Rocking now. Groans. Sad jealousy getting harder. Or other things are. Feel the flush of embarrassment even as all the other blood rushes south. I can’t be, I’m not…Elijah’s moaning. Jealousy rising. I am not standing here getting hard and jealous over Elijah kissing Dom.

‘Or is that Dom I’m getting jealous over?’

No, no, no. I just need a woman. A nice normal girl. Yes a girl. Nice blue eyed, brunette…turn and flee.

Fuzzy, soft, music pulsing up from my feet. Feel it resting in my belly, working it’s way up into my chest. Shocking. Take another shot and keep chatting with the lovely lady to my left. Can barely hear her over the throbbing in my ears. Feel her fingers stroking my arm. Feels hot. Wrong somehow.

Suddenly spinning. Blue eyes. Elijah’s startled eyes.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” Frowning puzzled.

Turn back but the lovely lady is leaving.

“Hey…”Stand to follow her and stagger.

Elijah’s hand on my arm keeping me upright.

“What were you doing?” demanding now.

Try to head towards the exit, he helps. Notice Dom and Billy, both look worried. Why are they so worried? Frown. They’re staring at my chest. Look down. All the buttons are undone, top button of my jeans too. Frown, I don’t remember how that happened, maybe on the dance floor earlier.

We make it to the exit and get blasted by cold air. Dom’s trying to re-button my shirt, slap at his hands. He yelps, pulls quickly away. He takes my arm as Elijah takes care of the buttons. Notice the lady is nowhere in sight, but Dom’s car is on the footpath. Wonder how they managed to park there.

“What were you doing Orlando?” Elijah hissing at me angrily.

“Just wanted a kiss.” Pout.

Since he gets all the kisses and I don’t get any. Sad throb of jealousy. Glare at Dom, pouting. He gets all the kisses. Elijah’s soft fingers turn my gaze onto him. Big blue eyes suddenly too close, soft, soft lips. My finger stroking them. So tired. I must be drunk.

“You want a kiss?” Elijah’s voice so soft. Quiet and warm. Lips moving against my fingertip.

Find myself nodding. Then lips. Soft, warm, brushing over mine. Elijah’s lips.

Part Six.

Groan. Sunlight. It hurts. Piercing into the darkest parts of my skull and sending up little hammers of agony. Shut my eyes but they don’t stop. Roll over, face the wall. Frown. Cold. His side of the bed is cold.

‘His side of the bed is cold?’

What the? Crack my eyes open. Someone should be there. I’m sure of it. Elijah was here last night. Here? Here or out, somewhere else? Throbbing club, fuzzy. Bright blue eyes accusing, soft, soft lips. Startled, eyes suddenly wide. Wait, wait, hold up. Elijah’s lips? On mine? Under my fingers? Elijah’s fingers re-buttoning my shirt? Oh god. Okay the beginning, just go back to the beginning. Elijah kissing Dom. Dancing at a club. A few drinks with a woman. Her hands inside my shirt. Flush crimson.

What on earth was I thinking? Lonely, sad jealousy. Okay then what? A bar. Sitting, trying to talk, shot of…something. Something that burnt. Well that narrows it down. Spinning, bright blue eyes. Cold. Elijah. Elijah’s hands at my shirt. The buttons, he did up the button’s the woman undid. Lips, soft lips. Something about kisses. Elijah so angry. Then…then soft? Frown. Or was I dreaming? Dom’s car. Parked on the curb. Wrapped in warmth. Billy driving. Dom in the front seat talking to Lij in the back.

‘I think he saw.’

Lij’s fingers in my hair, his body somehow all around me. Words, Elijah’s chest rumbling softly but I can’t remember any words. But then what? I could have sworn. He was here, I know that much. He had to have been, someone poured me into bed. But how? Who? What happened? And did that damn kiss happen? Did I really ask him to kiss me? Would I ever? Why? Do I want him to kiss me?

‘Yes.’

Squeeze my eyes shut tight.

‘Oh God.’

Soft fingers on my shoulder, in my hair.

“Orlando? Orlando are you awake?”

Nod groggily.

“I brought you something, it’ll help if you feel sick. Do you feel sick?” gentle.

Shake my head.

“Do you have a headache? I brought you Panadol, it should help if you have a headache. Do you have a headache?”

He’s babbling. Nod miserable.

“Here.” Soft, gently tugging my shoulder.

Roll onto my back. His shadow falls over my face, blocks out the harsh sun. wide blue eyes. Start. Elijah!

“Here.” Pushing pills into my hand. “Take these.”

Sit slowly, staring up into his face.

‘Was I dreaming? Did he kiss me? Did I kiss him back? Was it all a dream?’

Soft lips. Staring at them. Glass pressed into my other hand. He’s blushing, looking away. Oh shit. What else happened? I’ve forgotten something, I’m sure of it.

“Take them you’ll feel better.”

“You shouldn’t have done that.” Dom’s voice in the dark.

“I didn’t mean to.” Soft, flushed, guilty.

Frown, it all makes absolutely no sense. Swallow the pills. Two little white ones.

“Elijah!” Dom shocked.

Look up to see Elijah staring down. Face carefully blank.

“You don’t remember do you?”

Blush. So I did miss something. Damn. Shake my head.

“No.” Try and read his reaction.

Disgust? No. Annoyance? No. Surprise? No. Amusement? No. Disappointment? Not sure. Relief? Not sure.

Do I want to know? Maybe. Enough to ask? Um…no.

“I’m, ah sorry. And thankyou for bringing me home. Are Billy and Dom here?”

“No they went home.”

“Thanks Lij. I was an ass last night, I don’t know what got into me.”

‘Jealousy’ Ignore that little voice.

Elijah is obviously with Dom, so even if I did find him attractive it doesn’t mean a thing. Even if I did want to act on it I couldn’t. Which is okay cause I don’t have anything to act on.

“It’s alright we all get a little crazy sometimes.”

//Logic according to Orlando. Gotta love it.//

Part Seven.

Feel Elijah sink down beside me. He doesn’t say anything, just leans against my side. Things have been a little weird since I saw him kissing Dom. It’s almost like he’s pulling away from me. Like somehow when I got drunk I hurt his feelings. Watch in silence as Dom and Billy fool around. They’re practicing a scene. Well it originally was a scene, now it’s Pippin chasing Merry, trying to tell him without words he’s loves him. But Merry doesn’t get it, he’s totally oblivious. Pippin’s getting frustrated now, grabbing Merry by the arms and kissing him. Merry’s shocked but you can see his delight. Or is that just Dom?

Feel Elijah sigh, rest his head on my shoulder.

“Are you alright?” soft.

“Yeah.” He’s so quiet, has been for days. “Just haven’t been sleeping.”

“You need your sleep Lij. Bet you haven’t been eating much either.”

Sighing half nod, his cheek brushing my shoulder.

“Do you want to…?”

“Do you think I could…?’

Start and feel him tense.

“You could stay with me if you want.”

He sighs in relief, relaxes against me.

“Are you sure?” tentative.

Slide an arm round and hug him.

“Positive. I’ll cook dinner and force you to eat then I’ll send you to bed where you’ll sleep all night.” Half joking.

Can feel him grinning. Impulsively kiss the top of his head. Feel him nuzzle into my shoulder, suddenly quiet.

“How does that sound?”

“Perfect.” So soft.

Frown.

“Lij are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” But he’s so quiet.

Frown but don’t press him.

Lay next to him in the dark and know he’s awake.

“You should sleep.” Softly into the warm darkness.

Silence then suddenly.

“Do you mind me sharing your bed?”

Frown.

“No.” pause, blush. “Actually feels kind of lonely without you.”

“Really?” like he needs the reassurance.

Reach out slowly, gently skirt the pillow and find his hair, stroke it softly.

“Yes.” Simple and it’s the truth.

Warmth over my fingers drawing them down, holding them.

“I’m sorry I’ve been a shit lately. I’ve done some really, really stupid things. Things I wish I’d never done cause I only ended up hurting people.” So soft. “And I never meant for that to happen. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone.” Fevrant. “Was just being stupid cause I’m frustrated. So I’m sorry.”
I have no idea what he’s talking about, but he’s holding my hand to his cheek, just holding it there.

“I’m sorry. So, so sorry.” Soft and broken.

What on earth did I miss? Stroke his cheek from under his hand.

“It’s alright Elijah.”

“No it’s not!” voice like he’s hurting. “I didn’t mean to…” but he stops so abruptly.
“Didn’t mean what?”

Warm wet. Holy shit. Sudden fear. Move closer, sliding my other arm under his shoulder, bringing him up against me. He tries to protest, pull away, hide his tears.

“What didn’t you mean?” ask gently.

“Me, Dom…it was stupid.” Then suddenly. “I’m sorry Orlando, so sorry.”

Frown lost.

“It’s alright, really.” Stroking his back, his wet cheeks. “But…”

“Me and Dom. I shouldn’t have kissed him it was stupid, desperate. I didn’t mean to…” quiet little sob.

“So you and Dom aren’t?”

“NO!”

Why does that feel so good?

“No and I shouldn’t have it was so stupid.”

Silence. Then so softly.

“I’m so sorry Orlando.”

Press a kiss to his forehead.

“Stop saying that. Billy isn’t mad is he?”

Head slowly shaking.

“Or Dom?”

Another shake.

“So it’s alright.”

‘You’re not with Dom! Everything is just fine.’

“You don’t understand.” Miserable.

Ouch, that hurts.

“I’m sorry Lij.” Soft, want to pull away but I can’t.

“I saw you kiss Dom.” Quiet confession before I can think.

“You did?” somehow unsurprised.

“Yeah.”

Silence for a long time.

“Orlando?” sleepy.

“Hmm.” Rest my cheek against the top of his head.

“Can I stay here? With you?”

Nod sleepily.

“If you like.”

“You don’t mind?” unsure.

“No.” stroke his back. “Gets lonely.”

“Is that why you went clubbing by yourself?”

“I don’t know…maybe.”

“You didn’t want us with you?”

“Yeah but…” don’t know how to even begin to explain. Still don’t understand it myself. “I love you guys, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Silence.

“You guys are like family. I love you.”

God does that feel weird. But it’s true, all of it. Every last word.

Part Eight.

Dom’s eyes. His hand suddenly on my arm. Something’s wrong, concern written all over his face. Elijah, oh no, not again. Dom must see my concern because he pulls me along all the faster.
“What happened?” worried now.

“Nothing. Nothing specific he’s just…on edge. And you said…” sudden doubt.
Nod. Last time he pitched a fit at the director, sudden, explosive. He’s been staying at my place on and off. More on than off, except when he’s like this. Pacing, cigarette dangling from his fingers, smoke leaving a trail as he paces. Back and forward over the mud behind the trailers. Looks like he’s ready to explode. He hears me walking towards him and stops. Dom’s gone. And the look…those brilliant blue eyes glassed over with unshed tears, lips ripped and shiny with blood where he’s chewed through. Sudden, fleeting desperation. Then it’s gone and he’s pacing again.

Watch him walk away from me, head down, hiding his face. Turns, walks back, tries to walk around me but I stop him. Hold an arm out blocking his stride. Feel him tremble, oh so slightly, trying to stay in control of himself. Cigarette suddenly at his lips, one puff and it’s burnt out. Watch him drop it, stamp it into the mud.

“Lij?” soft, try to catch his eyes.

He won’t look at me, hands bracing his elbows defensive.

“I can’t do this.” Another flash of desperation as he glances up at me. “I can’t!” soft and angry even as the crystalline tears break loose to roll down his cheeks, fall from his chin.

“Talk to me.” Quiet, gently manoeuvring him into my arms. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I can’t do this!” through gritted teeth even as he breaks into sobs.

Pull him closer. Silent sobs pressed into my shoulder so I can’t see his face.

“I can’t. I can’t.” broken.

Smooth hands down his back, let one drift up over his shoulder, cradling his head.

“You can do anything.” Whisper to him.

Feel his arms finally cling to me as I feel him shattering. Sobs tearing through him now.

“You can do anything Lij, anything you want.”

Feel him hiccup hard and I just hold him.

After a few minutes he quiets completely, still clinging to me. Stroke fingers through his hair. The other hand caressing his back in long strokes. Finally his head tilts up, he looks up at me, calm now.

The agitation has drained away. Red rimmed, big blue eyes should not look that pretty after a crying fit. No one should look that pretty after crying. But on Elijah it just looks right.

“You’re inhuman.”

Watch him frown, little lines marring the perfection. And still he looks good. Inhuman.

“No one should look good after crying.” Explain.

Snort of laughter then he’s rocking with it.

“Only you Orlando would say something so dumb.”

Lightly push him away, playing grumpy but he clings. Desperation again, then sombre.

“Thankyou.”

“It’s alright.”

“You’re always saying that.”

Shrug.

“It’s true.”

Fresh wave of tears. Shit. Teeth imbedded in his bottom lip. Slide a finger under the teeth pulling the bloodied lip free. His face just crumples. Raw. That all consuming desperation again but this time it lasts, stays on his face, in his eyes. Can’t bare it. Hug him close, just wrapping him inside me. Soft little sobs.

“Orlando you’re needed.” Quiet.

Dom somewhere behind us.

“Alright.” Nod reluctant.

Tilt Elijah’s face up, force him to look at me through the tears.

“Go home. Take my keys and go home. I’ll be there soon.”

Doubt, hesitation.

“I promise.”

“You sure?”

“Take my keys and wait for me.” Still hesitating.

“Call a cab and go back to my place, eat something and wait for me.”

He nods.

“Good. I’ll be home tonight I promise.”

“Home.” So soft.

“The keys are in my trailer.”

Another nod. Press a kiss to his forehead and let him go. He doesn’t move. Gently slide his hands from round my waist.

“Everything’ll be alright.”

Force myself to turn and go, leave him with Dom.

Part Nine.

Still buttoning my shirt when Billy’s hand shoots out of the dark. Jolt and stop.

“Where are you going?”

Finish the last button and look up at him. He’s still holding my arm, he and Dom have such a habit of doing that.

“Home.”

“I thought you were taking Elijah with you.”

“He went earlier.”

“No he didn’t.”

“But I…”

“He went back to his trailer.”

Frown. Why didn’t he go?

“Dom was with him, he didn’t leave.”

“Are you sure?”

“I haven’t seen him leave and we’ve been here all evening.”

“Oh…well thanks.”

Head back towards the sets.

Knock on the door of Elijah’s trailer and wait but there’s no reply from within, only a soft light coming from inside. Maybe he left and Billy didn’t see him go. But no, Billy was probably watching all afternoon. Probably had someone stationed out front when he had work to do. Knock again but still nothing.

Open the door quietly. Unlocked. He always locks his door, even when he’s in, especially at night. Security has a spare key so it’s not like he’s unreachable, he said he got sick of people barging in. I can relate. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been changing and the door’s been flung wide open. It’s almost as if people forget you trailer is a second home. On sets like this, you live in it. Sometimes not leaving for days. Especially now we’re filming Helm’s Deep.

Step inside to gloom, soft light by the bed, and wait for my eyes to adjust. He’s here, spread out on the bed, fully clothed, not even under the covers. Just curled up there on his side like a child. So innocent, so vulnerable. And after this afternoon…the tear tracks still evident on his cheeks, the image is even more powerful. So vulnerable. He needs to talk, needs to explain what he meant by he can’t do this. What can’t he do? The isolation? The work? The constant gnawing loneliness? It’s eating at him, whatever it is, slowly but surely.

Lean over and stroke hair from his eyes. He hasn’t stirred, continues to peacefully sleep. Maybe I should leave him, he so rarely sleeps peacefully. Most the time he looks exhausted like he doesn’t sleep at all, except when he’s with me. People have begun to accuse me of drugging him, they’ve noticed that he always sleeps when he’s with me. Curled up in my bed, lately wrapped around my back, he sleeps as soundly as a baby. As soundly as he is now, but now it’s from exhaustion. Maybe that’s why he’s still here. Either that or he doesn’t want to come home with me. Hurt. Don’t want to think that. I want him to come home with me.

Look down as his eyes flutter open. He’s still half asleep, drowsily smiling up at me, hand snaking round my waist, pulling me down till I’m on the bed beside him. Listen as he sighs content, nudges a leg between mine, slides an arm round my waist, hand resting between my shoulders. Cradle his head under my arm and he snuggles closer, gets comfortable. I can only lay still, unsure. Does he even know it’s me? He’s never done this before, always curls against my back at home. Maybe he did this with Dom. Sudden ache. Maybe he thinks I’m Dom. Hurt. Deep pain throbbing quietly in my chest. Glide fingers through his hair.

“Elijah?”

“Orli.” Sighing content.

Blink. He knows it’s me. Knows how much I hate it when people call me that. And that’s he second time he’s called me that when he’s half asleep.

Feel him rock forward, suddenly pressed full length against me. Hips, chest.
Swallow hard.

So incredibly masculine. Warmth. Fingers splayed across my back, creeping down then back up under the shirt.

Can barely breathe let alone protest.

But I don’t want to protest. I want more, I want him to…

Try to breathe past the knot in my throat.

I want…I want him to look up, I want him to open those eyes and kiss me.

Try not to hyperventilate.

I want to know if that kiss was real, if I really kissed him then I want him to kiss me again. And again.

Swallow hard.

And I want to touch him. Hug him without the clothes. Touch him naked.

Clutch him convulsively closer, his hips rolling.

Low panicked moan behind my lips.

So good, oh god I want…I want…wait for the panic.

I want him to touch me everywhere. Inside and out. And I want to touch him, soft, hard all over. Taste.

Bite my lip on the whimper.

Oh god I want to shag Elijah Wood. I really, really want to shag Elijah, long, hard, just all night, touching ,tasting, learning him.

Groan as he wriggles closer, hips undulating.

Swallow done the panic. I can’t do this, I can’t, not here, not now. He doesn’t know!

He can’t know! He can’t, I can’t, he’ll…

He’ll what?

But I don’t have time to think because he’s finally waking up…

//still miraculously, stupendously Oblivious!//

Part Ten

Elijah’s big blues blinking up at me, his fingers under my shirt trailing in a lingering caress.

“Hello.” Soft murmur.

Try to breathe and end up swallowing hard, almost choking. Soft, almost shy smile. Does he know what he’s doing? How close this is to becoming oh so embarrassing?

“Thankyou for earlier.” Suddenly ducking his head, face flushing bright red.

Not. A. Clue.

He shifts, bringing his hip right against my…deep breath.

“I told you, it’s alright.”

Quiet nod and his hand stills, resting between my shoulders again.

“But thankyou.” So quiet.

Press a soft kiss to the top of his head.

“Why didn’t you go home?”

Shifting, lips against my neck, warm breath feathering over the suddenly sensitive skin. Thrill. Running straight down to my groin. Eyes suddenly wide. Oh shit! Shifting again and I swear he’s mouthing kisses down my collar bone. My shirt collar brushing his cheek when I dare to look. Heart suddenly pounding.

‘Oh god stop! Please or I’m going to embarrass myself. I have control but not *that* much.’

Deep sigh and more warm air flutters over the bone. Grit my teeth and clamp down hard on the reaction that wants to spring forth. Then he’s gone, shifting back away and I don’t want him to go, want him back.

‘Don’t go, don’t stop.’

Swallow, breathe. He’ll notice. But he’s suddenly sitting, eyes closed, running a hand through his mussed hair. Watch him slump forward, head in his hands.

‘Why’d he stop?’

For a moment there I thought…but that’s crazy. If he was going to kiss me…I’m just stupid.

“Lij?” soft, slowly sit and put a hand on his shoulder. No response. “Elijah?”

Soft murmur I don’t catch, sounded like a question.

“Elijah?”

Watch as he shakes his head ever so slightly then lays back down. Turn to watch his face but his eyes are closed, shutting me out.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry.” Eyes suddenly open.

Crystal clean like a summers day, calm. Almost too calm. He’s acting, with me! Damnit. But why? Why does he feel the need to act? Why now? And why do I let him?

Look down to find his hand gripping my waist. Flicker up to his eyes but they’re still calm, only his hand betraying him as it tugs gently then insistent, almost begging till I lay down beside him again. He doesn’t snuggle close this time, just turns onto his side and blinks up at me. His expression almost vacant. Fear. Thrills of terror as it scatters inside. Try not to reach for him, grab him and shake him, make him do anything, be anything but the vacant shell he is right now.

His eyes close again and it’s easier not to panic. Silence then suddenly tears. Crystal tears welling in the corners of his eyes, sticking to his long lashes then breaking free to trail a river down his cheek. Cup his face with one hand and brush at the river of tears even as it flows harder. Quiet little half sob and he bites his bottom lip again. Slide my thumb over it, free it from his teeth, there’s been enough damage done today. Blue. His eyes open again and he’s staring up at my through the film of tears.

“Sorry.” Quiet.

“It’s alright.” Run my thumb over his lips again. “But tell my what’s wrong?”

Ducks his head, turns his face away so I can’t see him. Feel him bury his tears in my shoulder. Gently pull him closer, shuffle forward. He doesn’t protest even as I stroke his back, plant a kiss on his head.

“Spoke to a friend of mine today. He’s been a little frustrated lately.”

Oh so normal. Sigh and let him. If he doesn’t want to talk about what’s wrong I won’t make him.

“How come?” cradle his head even as he snuggles in close, slides a warm hand around my waist, almost tentative till I don’t stop him. Feel him physically relax after that.

“He thinks he might be falling for one of his co-workers.”

“Isn’t that a good thing? Or are office relationships frowned on where he works?”

“No, not really frowned on, it’s just you know, a little awkward.”

“So why’s he so worried, why doesn’t he ask her out? Is she married or something?”

“No, umm no. She’s ahh…not in a relationship as far as he knows. It’s just you know, he doesn’t know if this person likes him.”

“This person?”

Silence.

“This is one of your gay buddies isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Full of relief. “So he’s not sure if this guy is…interested.”

“Ah…has he asked him?”

Can feel his frown.

“No.” like it’s blatantly obvious.

“Why not?”

“How would you take it if someone came up to you and just asked straight outta the blue. ‘Do you fancy guys? Cause if you do I wouldn’t mind a date?’ No he hasn’t asked.”

“I’d say I don’t know.”

“WHAT!?” spluttering, rearing back to stare at me in wide-eyed shock.

Blush.

“I’d say I dunno.”

“You!…really?” then “WHAT!?” again.

Swallow hard and feel the blush burning.

“Well it’d be honest and I don’t know. I mean I’ve never tried so I couldn’t really tell.”

‘Oh god, oh god, oh god what the fuck am I saying? Shut up, just shut UP!’

Refuse to say another word.

“That’s….that’s really…wow.” Blinking, wide- eyed shock, pleasant surprise.

My turn to duck my head, can’t meet those eyes right now.

“Orlando?” suddenly soft.

“Yeah?”

Refuse to open my eyes and look at him.

“You’re serious aren’t you?” gentle.
“Yeah.” Quiet.

‘Oh god I can’t believe it’s true.’

Soft hand on my cheek.

“It’s alright you know. I know it’s hard just to think about but it’ll be alright. And you’ve got us to talk to, me, Billy and Dom. But I won’t tell them unless you say it’s okay.”

“Thanks.” Barely a whisper.

Open my eyes directly to crystal blue. He doesn’t look away just blinks a few times. Can’t breathe. So beautiful.

“We should go.” Soft.

Nod but keep staring. Sudden soft, chaste kiss and he’s gone, clambering over me and heading for the door before it even registers.

‘He kissed me! HE kissed ME!’

“I’m hungry come on Orli.” Teasing me, taunting, knows how much I hate that name.
Stare up at him.

“You coming? I got your keys.” Sudden grin, jangling them.

“You are *not* driving my car.”

Part Eleven.

He’s quiet in t he car as we drive home, my lips are still tingling from where he kissed me. He was teasing me, the little bastard! Either that or he was trying to be helpful, supportive. Wish I knew which. But I can’t exactly ask. He’s acting like it never happened, like he didn’t just lean forward and press his lips to mine. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything to him, maybe he was just being friendly. I mean it’s not like he’s not physical, it’s not really that strange or odd. Glance at him as we stop at a red light. He’s lounging in the passengers seat, one knee up against the closed window. He’s staring off out the window, not even looking at me, it’s like I’m not even here. Sigh, depressing, safe conclusion is the kiss meant nothing. Time to think about something else. Something other than those roughened yet so soft lips pressing….

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!

“Shit!”

“The light’s green.” Smirking.

“Bastard.” Curse and shift into gear, take off, thankfully without stalling.
“You’re thinking too much.” Soft in the warmth and darkness of the car.

Flush suddenly but he can’t know what I was thinking.

“Just don’t think about it for awhile.” Quiet.

“Yeah?”

“Trust me.”

Swallow, don’t reply. But obviously silence is good enough as I refuse to take my eyes off the road.

He goes back to being silent, not even fidgeting like he usually does on car trips. Try not to listen as his phone rings and he picks up.

“Hello…oh hi Dom. Yeah I’m fine…He’s with me now… Almost…Tell Billy thanks…Yes I’m fine now. Bloody mother hen.” But he’s laughing. “Yeah I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Thanks Dom.”

Silence again.

“You and Dom are pretty close aren’t you?”

Watch as he nods, climbing over the bed to his side.

“Yeah we are.” Watch him pause, turn and look at me. “But we aren’t…you know. He’s with Billy.”

“Shove over.” Smile and he slides down into the bed. “So you’ve never…?” blush.

Why on earth am I even asking?

“No.”

Slide down beside him and instantly his hand’s on my shoulder.

“You didn’t think…you know, that he and I were shagging, did you?”

“I dunno, sorry, nothing to do with me.”

Feel the crimson flush brighter.

He creeps closer till the warmth from his body drapes over my side, reach out and hold him close till he shifts forward again, only this time resting his head next to my shoulder.

“I’ve never shagged Dom.” Soft, half whisper in my ear.

Tense and suddenly it’s hard to breathe.

‘Breathe Orlando just breathe.’

“Oh.” Stupid, relieved sound. “You didn’t have to tell me, it’s really nothing to do with me.”

“I don’t mind you asking.” Soft.

Feel my eyes close involuntarily, he’s so close, so warm, fairly whispering in my ear.
Reach blindly to turn out the light.

“What about today? What happened?”

Feel every muscle tense beside me.

“Nothing, it was nothing.” His voice strained.

Stroke down his back, soothing. I didn’t mean to make him so tense.

“Why were you so wound up?” worried about him.

Silence.

“What’s bothering you Lij, what can’t you handle?”

“Nothing, it’s nothing. Please…” pleading, begging.

Look down at him, his eyes closed, trying to remain calm.

Lean over and press my lips to his forehead, stroke fingertips through his hair. So warm.

“Alright.” Soft. “But why didn’t you go home?”

Watch his eyes open, his head tilt up. Blue, crystal, beautiful.

“I fell asleep. Dom came and sat with me, we were talking but I fell asleep.”

Swallow down the tension, so he wasn’t trying to avoid it, me then. He just fell asleep.

“You didn’t think…! This is home for me…”

“No….I…” but the truth’s written all over my face. Try again. “I should get you keys.”

Shock, absolute and pure.

“You’d…keys for me?”

“Why not?” I can feel the blush rising again. “Like you said it’s your home too.”

“But?” frowning.

“I like having you here. I want you to stay.”

“P…permanently?”

“If you want.”

Trying not to hope.

“I’d like that.” So soft. “I’d…I’d like that.”

He was going to say something else but didn’t. Instead he snuggles closer, an arm draped over my chest. So much warmth. Stroke soft fingers through his hair.

“You can even bring your stuff if you want, I have the spare room.”

Feel his smile against my shoulder.

“Only if I get to share your bed.” So soft, smiling then suddenly tense. “I mean…”

“Sure.” Cut off his backtrack.

Stillness, sudden silence. Can feel he’s shocked, tense. Continue to stroke his hair till he begins to relax.

“Thankyou.” So soft in the darkness, barely a whisper.

Stroke down his back.

“No problem” is what I go to say but what comes out is.

“My pleasure.”