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Mayu didn’t know what had brought her back. She had her own apartment now, a little place where she could get some space from her family. As much as she loved them, it was nice to be able to get away, to have some room to breathe. But confused and adrift she had wandered back to her old house. And then—and this was the part she couldn’t explain—she’d knocked on the door of the house across the street.
Her old neighbor Kosuda Kazuki had opened the door, smiled, and invited her in, and from that point on Mayu could explain her own actions. It would’ve been rude to do anything else. Kazuki was cheerful and—familiar. Comfortable. Maybe that was explanation enough. Mayu could really use a bit of comfort right now.
Mayu launched into it right in the middle of the Kosuda kitchen. “You know that Kosuda and Yamada broke up, right?” she began.
Kazuki leaned against the counter. “I didn’t know,” she said. “Too bad, they were cute together. But also, can’t say it’s a shock. If I’m being honest I’m a little surprised they lasted through college.” She popped the tab on a can of beer and took a swig. Mayu watched her swallow. “He’s not too broken up about it, is he? If he is I’ll be sure to put on my best sad face when he gets around to telling me.”
“No! No, they’re both… they’re both doing all right.”
“Well, I’m glad to hear that,” Kazuki said.
Mayu tried again. “That’s kind of where the problem started.”
Kazuki raised an eyebrow. “Problem? For Takashi or for Yamada?”
“For, uh. For me, actually. Is it okay if I… talk about it with you?”
“It’s not just Takashi who grew up in this house, you’ve been my neighbor, too!” Kazuki said. “You’re old enough for a beer now to commiserate, right?”
“Uh, yes. Thank you.” Mayu took the can and tried to imitate Kazuki’s casual swagger as she opened it and took a sip. She failed. It wasn’t strong, but it was more bitter than she liked.
Kazuki smiled at the look of distaste Mayu failed to conceal. “Go on, share, I’m happy to listen. What’s this about a problem?”
It had started after the breakup. Yamada had swung by Mayu’s place to inform her that she and Kosuda were ending it—to declare herself heartbroken forever, announce that she was giving up on romance, and start in on a bizarre rant about returning to the dreams of her childhood. Something about sex friends? She’d been graphic if not particularly coherent. Mayu hadn’t understood most of it, but was pretty sure she’d managed to talk her friend off that particular ledge—whatever it was—and coax Yamada into returning to her own apartment.
Almost immediately after Yamada had left, Kosuda had come by. He’d declared himself heartbroken and done with romance just as his now–ex-girlfriend had, but he’d gone to the opposite extreme: he talked about abandoning any hope of having a relationship for the rest of his life, becoming a hermit or maybe a monk. Mayu didn’t think that was any healthier of a response, so she’d tried to encourage him not to give up. Kosuda had said he didn’t think anyone else would ever love someone like him anyway, and—well. Mayu knew about one person who’d had a crush on Kosuda for a long time, and one very obvious way to contradict his statement. He’d turned her down when she’d first confessed back in high school, but now that he and Yamada weren’t together anymore, maybe she stood a chance?
“—so I kissed him,” Mayu finished.
She noticed an odd tension in Kazuki’s shoulders. “And now you’re together?” Kazuki asked, sipping on her second can of beer. “Are you just letting me know about the good news?”
“No. I wish I was, that would be easier. No, I finally kissed Kosuda, after all this time, and it was… really bad.”
“Just the kiss, or was there something else?”
“The kiss! First we banged our foreheads together, then I smashed my glasses into his nose, and then once we finally started kissing he did this weird thing with his tongue—maybe Yamada liked it, but not me, not at all! So we stopped kissing, and then he said that I was very brave for telling him how I felt, but he didn’t feel the same way. And that he wouldn’t give up on love and hoped I wouldn’t either, but it couldn’t be with him.” She sighed. “And I don’t want to give up on love, I still think the idea of romance is wonderful, but if Kosuda and I aren’t meant to be—oh gosh. I don’t think I’ve ever had a crush on a guy besides him. So who am I supposed to fall for now?”
Kazuki shrugged, her shoulders loose again, and leaned back against the kitchen counter. “Could be anyone. Really, it’s only ever been Takashi this whole time? There’s never been anyone else got your pulse racing?”
Mayu flushed, because there had of course been “someone else,” someone before Kosuda even. Scratch that—before Kosuda Takashi. But she couldn’t very well tell Kosuda Kazuki “Yes, there was, it was you, you were my first crush ever.”
Mayu drained the rest of the beer to hide her expression. “Another, please!” she asked, and only started speaking when Kazuki turned away. “I… no, not really. I’ve never had a crush like that. Not in a way that means anything.”
“What do you mean ‘means anything’? I like to think a crush can be fun and exciting and that’s meaning enough. It doesn’t have to mean you’re swearing eternal love to someone. I’d hope it doesn’t, seeing as you’ve just decided that you and Takashi aren’t meant to be after all.”
“Well—well what about you, then? I’ve never seen you with any boys around! You need to tell me about your crushes, it’s only fair.”
Kazuki swirled her beer can contemplatively. “I keep my romantic life pretty quiet, it makes things easier for me in a lot of ways. But you’re right, you have shared a lot. Maybe I should share a thing or two in return.”
Mayu clapped her hands. “Yes, please!”
“Well, since you said please.” Kazuki took a sip, making eye contact with Mayu over the rim of the can. “I’ve gone out with a few people. Nothing super serious or long term, but a few people. And I haven’t brought any back home to meet my family, but even if I did—you still wouldn’t see me bringing boys around.” She paused.
Mayu waited for her to explain.
“Uh,” Kazuki said, “I expected a stronger reaction.”
“No, I just don’t get it. What do you mean, you wouldn’t bring boys back home even if you brought them to meet your family? Would you… all meet up somewhere else? It’s a very nice house, you shouldn’t feel bad about showing it to people.”
“Uh. Well.” Kazuki rubbed her forehead. “No. If I brought someone I was dating here, that still wouldn’t mean I was bringing a boy with me. Or a man. None of the people I’ve dated have been men.”
She paused again, and again Mayu felt like she was missing something.
“I mean they’ve all been women, Mayu. I’m a lesbian.”
Wait.
“You can do that?”
“Some people won’t be happy about it, but sure.”
“No, but—I mean—it’s allowed?”
“Again, some people don’t like it, but what’s ‘allowed’? The way I see it, if I’m into a woman and she’s into me, we can do what we want about those feelings.”
“Wow. I mean…” Mayu shrank in on herself a bit. “How does it even work?”
“I’m not sure I feel comfortable explaining—” Kazuki paused. “That’s not the question you’re asking, is it. How about you tell me this: how did you first start liking my little brother?”
Because liking you obviously wouldn’t have worked! Mayu did not say out loud. Instead she paused to consider Kazuki’s question, then hesitantly, she began. “I think… I think it started because we spent so much time together. He was my friend, and you always hear stories about childhood friends getting together. And I like cooking, and taking care of people, and… and Kosuda let me do that for him. So of course I like Kosuda! Or, um, I did. Until we kissed earlier, and now I guess I don’t like him like that anymore. Although I still want to be friends with him! I’ll even keep cooking for him. You can cook for someone you don’t have a crush on, right?”
“You’ve been cooking for me for years!” Kazuki said, laughing.
Mayu did not feel that this was as useful an answer as Kazuki had apparently intended it to be.
“Anyway,” Kazuki continued, “that all sounds nice, but I don’t know if it’s how I would describe having a crush. Maybe you experience these things differently, some people do. But maybe—and I’m not saying this is definitely true, just that you might want to think about it—maybe it’s less that you had romantic feelings for Takashi, and more that you thought you should have romantic feelings for someone, and you decided that what you felt for my brother was close enough to count.”
“That doesn’t make sense,” Mayu said.
“Doesn’t it? Takashi’s sweet. He’s gentle. He’s even a gentleman, more or less. It makes sense to me that you’d go for him, as a guy who’s familiar and safe.”
Familiar. Safe. Those words tingled on Mayu’s skin. Yes, Kosuda was familiar. Kazuki was familiar, too. And this house was familiar: after all these years she knew it almost as well as her own. But here in the kitchen with Kazuki, having drunk not nearly enough beer to feel this dizzy—Mayu didn’t feel like she was in any danger, but there was a prickle in her nerves that felt the furthest thing from safe.
Mayu set her beer can down. “I don’t think that’s the reason!” she declared, and took two steps closer to Kazuki.
“Maybe not,” Kazuki said. “It’s just an idea, I wasn’t—”
Mayu leaned in and kissed her. Kazuki was warm. Her lips were soft, her arms were leanly muscled, and she was oh gosh she was covered in beer Mayu had just spilled beer all over both of them. Mayu pulled back immediately.
“I swear that wasn’t the point I was trying to make,” Kazuki said mildly.
“I have a crush on you,” Mayu said, covering her face. Oh no, it was everywhere, her hands were covered in beer too.
“That’s—maybe you want to take a bit more of a break from crushing on my brother, before you switch over to me.”
“I’m not switching from him to you!”
“Then what was—”
“No, I… I had a crush on you first, I mean. When we were little.” Mayu swallowed. “You protected me from being bullied once. You probably don’t even remember, but I thought you were like a knight, or a prince. And I also, I thought you were, um. A boy.” She peeked at Kazuki through her fingers. “And that part obviously wasn’t true, so I figured I was also mistaken about the crush part. But if it turns out that girls really can have crushes on other girls, then maybe…”
“Ah. Okay. I see, I think.” Kazuki paused. “You’re a mess. Do you want to borrow our shower, clean up a little?” Mayu’s face must have gone scarlet, because Kazuki waved her hands. “Not like that, not like that! Even if I didn’t get the circumstances quite right, I meant what I said about taking a bit of a break.”
“It’s been fifteen years since I first had a crush on you.” Mayu put her hands down even though she knew she must still be bright red. “Isn’t that long enough?”
“If it’s waited fifteen years, it can wait another evening. Clean up. Sober up.” Kazuki’s voice softened. “That’s not a no, Mayu, but I should also think some things through. You’ve been my kid brother’s best friend all this time, give me a little time to reorient myself. Give me—let’s call it a week. That’s enough time for everyone’s emotions to settle down. And for Takashi to let me know he’s broken up with Yamada, I should probably make a few sympathetic noises at him before I start dating someone. One week, and if you still feel the same way, let me know, all right? And I’ll give you an answer then.”
Mayu’s heart was pounding, but she managed a nod.
“And until then, you really should clean up. I’m sure your parents would love to see you, but if you wanted to crash here that’d also be fine.”
“Oh! No, no, that’s fine. The trains are still running, I’ll just go back home.”
“Are you sure? I can call a cab if you want.”
“No, really, it’s okay. Thanks though, Kazuki.”
Miyano’s phone
Conversation with: Kosuda Kazuki
It’s been a week.
So it has! And?
I really like you. Do you want to go out sometime?
The local aquarium’s got a jellyfish exhibit. I’ll pick you up tomorrow at four?
I’ll see you then <3