Archive of Our Own

Lestat de Lioncourt’s debut album shows us that real music is long dead and buried

By Nicolas de Lenfent                

30 million listeners, double platinum award, and a sold-out indoor stadium tour; all this happened within just one week of the release of Lestat de Lioncourt's first album, also known as the Vampire Lestat. The rockstar is conquering the world with his glitter bursts, racy movements, controversial tweets, (fake?) blood-drinking and a velvety, warm voice his fans on Twitter claim can impregnate. In short, Lestat promises to change the music scene.

Alas, it’s a pity that nothing of his latest work is remarkable, or revolutionary. Long Face is nothing more than a clutter of twice-told sounds, the parody of true revolutionary albums such as Metallica’s Ride the Lightning, Black Sabbath’s Master of Reality and Pink Floyd’s The Dark Side of the Moon. This album seems to have been Ai-generated, the songs sound far too childish: it almost looks like the singer has randomly listened to a few Dio and Sex Pistols songs, pieced together the notes and put on them some lyrics written by ChatGPT. Sadly, he doesn’t have the musical knowledge necessary to make such a job passable.

Sure, Long Face is going to be a big hit among horny 14 teenagers; however, there’s a lack of words for such an atrocious work that is being presented as transformative. 

The only positive note is the three passable ballads likely dedicated to the star's past and present loves, but this isn’t enough to say it’s a good album. A true music-lover only has only three ways to appreciate it:

• sniff an amount of cocaine directly proportional to their body weight;

• grab a rope after pressing play and hang oneself;

• toss it in the wet bin.

In conclusion, we can confidently state that Long Face is the epitaph engraved on the tombstone of music, killed by this farce once and for all.

Rating: 1 star

-Nicki! Why the fuck have you written this?-Lestat screamed in a San Francisco hotel room, loud enough to rattle the windows. -Does such a bad review seem normal to you? You're an asshole!-

-You deserve it after all the sleepless mornings I had to endure because of you. I was being honest, that’s it.-Nicolas answered nonchalantly, smoking sprawled on a sofa. 

-‘Fake blood-drinking’? ‘Horny teenagers?’ Where on earth did you get such bullshit? Are you a philosopher now?-

-Yes. I’m a misunderstood poet.-

-No, you’re a moron.-

-Don’t compare yourself to me, you…-

-Easy, guys! Easy!-Louis interjected, raising his hands in surrender. 

Or exasperation. With those two, nothing was ever certain.

-You’re ancient vampires, can’t you two act like grown-ups and talk in a civilised way?-

-There’s nothing to talk about-Nicolas answered drily, -Lestat’s album is shit, period.-

Lestat’s face flushed red as he shook a fist defiantly. -Why didn't you say it to my face instead of writing it in a newspaper? You’ve helped me compose the music too!-

-I’ve told you a hundred times what I thought about it, but you and your mortals didn’t listen. It takes a professional’s ear to catch on to certain things, and you don’t have it. But since you're presumptuous, you insist on doing things your way. I’m doing my job as a music critic, in case that wasn't clear to you.-

-You wanted to put an entire orchestra in all the songs! We don’t play opera pieces!-

-You’re implicitly saying classical music is too old and you’re too… what's the modern word for it? Oh yes, too cool for that?-

-You haven’t been playing the violin for thirty-two years, but you still put on airs?-

-Enough!-Louis jumped into the argument, yelling. -You're insufferable! Nicki, you need to be less blunt, you can't just say everything that goes through your head! And you, Les, need to learn how to take criticism. There's some truth in what Nicki wrote, however offensively it was expressed.- 

Lestat whirled around to face him, his eyes glistening. 

Here it came, the on-cue whining, the bonus card he loved to pull out during arguments.

-Even you are against me, mon cher ? I’m all alone in this world!-

-I'm simply saying you're too stubborn. Maybe listening to other people's opinions would do you good.-

-It's not my fault no one understands me! Nicki's criticisms make no sense! And stop looking at me with that funeral face, mon petit .-

-I’m clinically depressed-barked Nicolas, crushing the cigarette between his fingers, -how should I look at you?-

-You…-

-Stop it!-Louis repeated, biting a lip to betray no emotion. -Nicki, could you give a concrete example of what’s wrong with the album?-

-Well, for starters, the bassline in 'Those Who Must Be Kept' sounds like an old cat getting squashed by a moped.-

-That section is a tribute to Roger Waters, you can’t say that!-

-And what about the guitar solo in 'Lust for Blood'? It doesn't follow a harmonic scale, nothing at all! It's pure ignorance!-

-I came up with that myself, I won’t let you dismantle it!-

Louis patted Lestat on the shoulder before settling down next to Nicki, lazily sipping a glass of blood. -You're making progress. Les, now say something that bothers you about the review, go on.-

- Tout ce qu’il a écrit! Il m'a fait passer pour un imbécile, un bouffon !-

- Parce que c’est la vérité, tu est présomptueux !-

- Merci du compliment. Toi aussi !-

Fuck, they were starting to yell in French. 

Things were getting serious.

-That’s perfect! Now, why don’t you talk about the ballads? Nicki liked them if I’m not mistaken. For instance, I really liked ‘Just a bite, babe’.-

Lestat approached Louis while keeping his sullen gaze fixed on Nicolas. He made him stand up and encircled his waist with an arm. - Mon amour , I knew your extreme competence would allow you to understand my masterpiece.-

He actually knew well that Louis was only interested in photography and his musical knowledge was near zero; it was clear he was saying it just to provoke Nicolas.

-Tell me your opinion, saint Louis. Do you like my ballads?-

Alright, Louis would sacrifice himself for the common good. He would smooth Lestat’s feathers, showering him with compliments until he gave up.

-Absolutely, I found them particularly romantic, just like the beautiful poems of times past.- 

Diplomacy was a vital skill for soothing immortal, arrogant souls. And Louis was particularly good at being diplomatic.

-Are you serious?-

-You think I'm a liar? You know I’m shit at lying. If I say I like something, then it's true.-

His words had the desired effect, as Lestat seemed to light up. Nicolas, on the other hand, made a smug face.

-What do you particularly like about the songs?- he asked, regaining his usual composure. 

He was subtly challenging Louis, but he wouldn't be easily defeated.

He pretended to ponder on the question, then cleared his throat as if about to begin a public speech.

-I particularly like the harmonic scale of 'Aching for You'. That descending sequence before the special is distinctive.-

Nicolas raised an eyebrow, dubious. -Well, that's not exactly a descending scale, let's say it is because of pure chance. Someone accidentally discovered it while fiddling with the piano.-

-Hear that? Beethoven graced us with his opinion!-Lestat retorted, jaw tight.

Louis raised an eyebrow too, pretending to be knowledgeable on the subject.

-Then let's talk about that very low note Les hits in 'Don't Make Me Leave'. He hit that because he's good, admit it, and it blends perfectly with the background violins.-

That shut them up. He wanted to shout victory at the top of his lungs, the two vampires were no longer shooting daggers at each other or yelling.

Louis the peacekeeper: 1, Lestat and Nicolas: 0. 

He had to tell what he accomplished to Claudia and Madeleine once they returned from their vacation.

-Listen, I know you have opposite taste in music- he kept on, putting down the goblet to hold Lestat close to him, -I'm also aware your current employments involve scandals, viral reviews and lawsuits, but you must never forget that for us immortals these things are nothing more than pastimes. So bury the hatchet and reconcile, you kids.-

There was an offended silence for a few minutes, but shortly after the tension dissipated as quickly as it had arrived.

- Mon cher, you’re always the wisest among us,- Lestat complimented him with a kiss on the mouth. Then, he met Nicolas's gaze and began to snicker. -I've had a brilliant idea, Nicki. You're definitely going to like it.-

Nicolas threw his head back in response, disconsolate. -One minute we’re trading insults, the next he’s plotting shit. My life is just one long anxiety attack, always worried about whatever fresh hell he conjures up every few seconds.-

-You drama queen. Your article is unnecessarily mean, but…-

-It’s not.-

-Let me speak, come on! So, your article is unnecessarily mean, but we all know that reviews like yours attract a lot of attention because they make people curious. Why not take advantage of the listeners, or in your case, the readers, to put on a show? I'll post an Instagram story complaining about your newspaper and tag you, so you can fire back and invite me for an interview.-

Nicolas lit another cigarette to feign disinterest. -A plan worthy of the best spies, I must say. And how are we going to wrap this up?-

Lestat grinned mischievously. -Since everyone will soon associate your name with my documentary filmed by dear Daniel, they'll start digging and think it's all a marketing strategy. In the end, Louis will come into play ,taking photos of us in very friendly poses. Et voilà , the circle closes, the fans go wild, sales skyrocket!-

Louis whistled in appreciation. -Cool.-

Nicolas looked more interested now, even though he still held his fake mask of disgust firmly in place on his porcelain face. -Fans know you're with Louis even if you haven't confirmed the rumours, they'd tear you and me both to pieces if photos came out. They'd cancel you for the tenth consecutive time on Twitter. Users take cheating seriously.-

-Nicki, take it lightly! We're vampires, immortal creatures of the night! I don't follow social conventions, I'm free to be single or have an entire harem.-

-Oh? I didn’t know that. Try having a harem, and see what happens to you- Nicolas snarled, baring his fangs.

Ah, dear, old vampiric possessiveness.

-And I would gladly help you carry out your revenge plan, Nicki- Louis agreed, smiling sweetly.

-Mmmh guys, you're so fierce,- Lestat commented contentedly, bringing one of Nicolas's hands to his lips to kiss the horrible scars marring his wrists.

He would never forgive Armand for that.

-Don't worry, Antoniette in New Orleans was enough for me. So, do you agree with my proposal?-

-It could work-Louis considered,-you could go to a semi-dark alley in a few days, or to a not-too-crowded bar pretending to drink something. One of you could 'accidentally' let your fingers brush, or even better, your lips could collide. I'll position at the agreed-upon spot, and off we go with the paparazzi shot.-

Lestat laughed, a crystalline sound that lifted the weight from the hearts of both vampires. 

-You've grasped the concept perfectly, mon cher . Nicki, my sweetest Nicki, what do you say?-

Nicolas pursed his lips, then nodded with a theatrical sigh.

As if the idea hadn't secretly thrilled him from the start, what an actor.

-Fine. But don't expect excessive displays of affection! The cameras are never going to have me.-

Lestat hugged them both in an excess of enthusiasm, continuing to laugh like a madman. 

-Oh, how much I love you both. The next few weeks are going to be fun!- The cell phone in his pocket rang, and he huffed in annoyance when he saw it was an unknown number calling. 

-Who the hell are you, calling me at the... maman ?- he shouted, incredulous. - Tu as acheté un téléphone? Incroyable! T’es où ?- he continued to speak in French, moving into another room and leaving Nicolas and Louis alone.

-Gabrielle, what a great woman- Nicolas sighed, amused. -She disappears for decades, and then reappears as if nothing happened.-

-I'd love to meet her- Louis said, sitting next to him again. -From what Lestat’s told me, she seems incredible.-

-She is, very much so. I'm sure you'll meet her in the next few months, she usually stops by for a few weeks after her travels.-

If about eighty years ago someone had told Louis he’d become friends with Nicolas de Lenfent – of whom Lestat spoke little and with immense pain until, thanks to Gabrielle, he had discovered that Nicolas had survived the fire and had remained hidden for centuries waiting to heal from severe burns – he would’ve never believed it.

Yet, there they were, in the twenty-first century, conversing amicably in a luxury hotel in San Francisco, following a Lestat at the peak of his new career.

-And how you’re doing?- Louis asked, gesturing towards Nicolas's scars. -Les told me you've started therapy with Dr. Bhansali. Is he good? I only know him as a regular physician.- He offered Nicolas a drink, which was gratefully accepted.

-He's odd, but competent. I admit I was sceptical at first, but I now I have to eat my word.-

-Are you working on any thoughts in particular?-

-Oh, yes. Firstly, my inner darkness now has a clinical name and isn't blamed on demonic possessions like they used to diagnose back in my days; secondly, blood bags have been invented, so I'm no longer forced to be a serial killer to eat. Thirdly, I have people I can count on even when I think everyone hates me.-

Nicolas had a strong character and was often brusque, but he also had a sense of humour and a unique way of expressing even the most serious matters, which Louis appreciated greatly. 

-I'm glad to hear you say that. I showered Dr Bhansali in money to research vampires, I'm pleased to know it's paid off. However, I don't agree with your second point. You eat anyone who dares to write your reviews are too cruel.-

-Pah, it's not my fault people are deaf and only listen to crap. You, on the other hand! Call me ignorant, but I just found out you're the first, freaking capitalist-billionaire vampire in the world along with Armand, huh? I guess you can afford to buy this entire hotel without batting an eye, right now.-

-Well, you’re not wrong. It's just that I don't like to brag; money isn't everything.-

-This is what made Lestat fall madly in love with you-noted Nicolas, shifting his position on the small sofa to look him in the eyes,-your nonchalance, your way of thinking.-

-He loves you very much too, Nicki. There hasn't been a single day he hasn't thought of you, back when he thought you were dead.- 

-I know, but he doesn't love me as much as he loves you. He doesn’t love us equally.-

-That's not true. You're his first love, he shared a big portion of his mortal life with you. You're important to him. There are more songs on the album dedicated to you than to me.-

-I think you've got your wires crossed. You're the one who swept him off his feet, body and soul. You hurt each other deeply and were separated for nearly a century, yet he returned to you. He kisses you differently, as if it were always the first time. He looks at you like you're the only living being in the universe.-

A slight blush crept onto Louis's cheeks.

-You say that because you can’t see how it looks from the outside. Lestat would move heaven and earth for you (and he had written a carillon piece for him, but that was irrelevant).-

-Look, I'm not jealous, Louis- Nicolas smiled shyly. -He loves us in different ways, and I'm happy about that. I don't want to be anyone's carbon copy, let alone be considered the same way as someone else.I want to be myself through and through. It would be a hassle if we were identical twins, don't you think?-

-I suppose so. Tell me, did you write the article so harshly as homework for therapy, or is it your honest opinion?-

This time Nicolas laughed, and Louis joined in. -Both. I wanted to get revenge for that time when Lestat disappeared and left me alone in Paris, to let out all the anger I've unknowingly harboured for centuries. And also because from a musical standpoint, it's truly awful.-

-You were truly diabolical. But at least a good idea came out of it.-

-Can you imagine the chaos we're about to unleash? It'll be a blast.- A mischievous glint shone in Nicolas's red eyes. -Don't tell Lestat I told you.-

-My lips are sealed. Always ready for drama, huh?- Louis teased him.

-Only when the drama is skillfully orchestrated. And this, I must admit, has the potential to be a true masterpiece.-

Meanwhile, Lestat had finished his phone call and rushed back to them, beaming.

-You won't believe it, but Gabrielle bought a new phone. She told me she will visit me in a few days. She's been to Guatemala! And she wants to meet you, Louis.-

Louis's heart began to beat furiously, excited to meet Gabrielle de Lioncourt, the lioness of the family.

-Have we finally reached the 'meeting the family' stage? Wow, do I need to prepare in some way?-

- Mais non ,- Lestat waved his hand as if to tell him not to worry, -she's more open-minded than me. You could show up with a garbage bag on your head, and she'd still be fine with it.-

-Even though I killed you a century ago?-

-Trifles. You didn't burn my body because you didn't want me to die permanently, it's all good. She already knew about it. She told me you did the right thing, given my deplorable behaviour.-

-One more point for me, then?-

-What else did your adorable mother want, besides this?- Nicolas interjected. -I know her. She said something else.-

Lestat sighed, running a hand through his hair. -Bingo. She saw my documentary... the trailer, to be precise. And she was particularly enthusiastic about it.-

-Oh? Does she want to film something with Molloy too?-

-No. She just said she can't wait to watch it, she's fascinated by cameras in general.- Lestat grimaced. -But she did say I need to rewatch myself on television to realize how arrogant I am, and that I should be more humble.-

Louis and Nicolas exchanged a look full of suppressed hilarity.

-Well, I think you should listen to your mother, Lestat,- Louis said, struggling not to burst out laughing. -She knows you better than anyone. She gave birth to you.-

-Yeah, Lestat. Listen to Gabrielle, you'll benefit from it- Nicolas interjected, a mocking smile curling on his lips. -Maybe you'll even manage to deflate that ego of yours.-

-Watch your words, petit, or I'll derail our Instagram plan.-

-I couldn’t care less!-

-Liar, I heard you before. Remember: vampire hearing.-

-...fine, I admit I want to have a little fun. But I haven't changed my mind about the album, it still sucks.-

- Va te faire foutre, Nicki. De tout cœur .-

- Goujat .-

Louis finally let out the laughter he'd been holding back, doubling over on the sofa.

He adored this century, and he finally came to adore his life.

-So, when do we start?-