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Heartful Hot Dog
“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different?” —Anonymous
What a way to spend a rainy birthday evening. Tucked into Neku’s apartment, watching B-movie after B-movie well past midnight. Seeing how long they could make Fret’s birthday last until everyone fell asleep. Whoever stayed up the longest would get a free meal next time they all went out together.
At last, Fret’s insomnia could be useful for something.
Fret was so toasty warm though, since he was sandwiched between Nagi and Shoka on the couch, with Beat and Neku on Shoka’s other side. Shiki and Eri had taken the ottoman in front of the couch, while Rhyme was chilling on the floor with her back resting against Fret and Nagi’s side of the couch. Rindo, not so big on the whole touch thing, was nestled in a recliner next to the couch, grumbling his own grumpy critiques about the movie.
Somehow this latest movie was the strangest disaster yet. It was a bonafide B-movie, sure, but man, Fret had not expected this so-called horror movie to actually be about the main lead trying to woo the monster instead of running from it. A very ordinary, very confused boy-next-door capped off this gloriously hilarious love triangle.
Shoka slumped her head against Fret’s. “Oh my gooood what is this movie?”
“It’s The Dead of the Living Night , I think.” Rindo mumbled, completely missing Shoka’s sarcasm in his sleepy haze.
Rhyme snickered. “With that title, you think it’d be about the living dead. Never judge a B-movie by its ripoff title, I guess.”
“Yeah, I signed up fo’ zombies an’ shit, not a rom-con,” Beat complained.
“A romcom?” Shiki suggested. “I don’t mind it being a romcom instead, but... Gosh, where to start.”
Rhyme’s snicker grew louder. “No, Beat definitely meant rom- con . Because we were conned into watching it.”
“Ouch!” Fret laughed.
Eri pouted. “It was cute. When the childhood friends were reconnecting. At the beginning. Before she started making eyes at the... Um...”
“I know .” Rindo sounded even more annoyed. “...I still don’t get what the title even means…”
Fret snorted. “That’s your biggest concern here, Rindude? Not the part where a highschooler is trying to kiss the slimy swamp monster?”
“I mean it’s clearly a costume. Maybe she’s into cosplayers or something.”
“Erm,” Nagi interjected, “‘Tis supposed to be a genuine beastly abomination, according to the narrative and the reviews on renowned fansite MonILF.”
“MonILF?” asked Fret. “What’s that?”
Rhyme poked Fret’s foot. “Fools rush in where wise acronym-knowers fear to tread.”
“MonstersIdLikeToEff,” said Nagi in a single breath.
“Pfft, you say that with no shame,” said Shoka. “Respect.”
Light flashed over Nagi’s glasses. “I have zero respect for the so-called monster in this film. The only beastly abomination here is the practical effects department.”
Rindo squinted just slightly at Nagi, before turning back to the movie. “Well I just see a guy in a bad costume. Should’ve used CGI.” He smirked. “Or better yet, they should’ve hired Fret as the costume designer. How would you do it, Fret?”
“Kweh? Dude, I’m good at making people look pretty, not ugly!”
“No duh a total zoomer like Rindo would be all for CGI.” Shoka shook her head.
Fret bumped Shoka with his elbow. She bumped back.
Rindo folded his arms. “You’re only four years older than me, you know.”
“Which only makes it more embarrassing that your taste is hella cringe. Everyone knows puppets and practical effects are the way to go.”
“Precisely,” Nagi added.
“I had enough of Sesame Street as a kid, thanks.” He scowled as if the very idea of puppets offended him.
Shoka’s mischievous grin only widened. “Oh? Don’t tell me that you were one of those kids who were scared of puppets as a kid, were you?”
“N-No…” The stutter said otherwise.
Rhyme sat up. “Okay, so for next movie night, I’m voting for Possum .”
Rindo sighed in relief and glanced at his phone. “Sure, possums don’t sound too scary—” He shut off the screen. “Goddammit, Rhyme.”
Rhyme smiled shamelessly.
Fret hovered his hand over Nagi’s for a second before Nagi nodded with permission. He gave her fingers a squeeze. “Hey, Boss, if there’s a MonILF, is there a MuppetILF? I think Shokie and Rhyme want in.”
Nagi grimaced. “Please taint your own search engine algorithm, not mine.”
Shoka reached across Fret’s lap to poke Nagi’s phone, giving him a half-hug in the process. “What, but Monsters IdLikeToEff isn’t tainting?”
“No,” she answered solemnly. “‘Tis just.”
“Like I said earlier. Respect.”
Still, this was…nice. Relaxing even. Not just because these cheap horror movies weren’t actually scary, but because of the huddle of people around him. Their voices, their laughter, their contact…so calming…
“Pinny’s right on about effin’ monsters,” said Beat.
“Gosh, so many surprising confessions today,” Shiki said teasingly. She gave Eri a knowing glance.
“I meant that I was into the special effects,” Eri protested. “I’m not some kind of weirdo. No offense, Nagi.”
“None taken,” Nagi replied. “‘Tis a badge of honor.”
Rhyme cleared her throat. “So, Beat, you were saying something about effing monsters?”
“Yeah, Pinny be sayin’ it’s just to eff monsters,” Beat said. “An’ she dead ass right. You just gotta eff up a monster. If Twiggy Kid cares that much, he should jus’ punch that swamp guy’s lights out!”
“And get tangled up in all those tentacles?” asked Neku. “No thanks.”
“I ain’t askin’ you to do it, Phones! I’m jus’ sayin’ the kid should get ready to rumble!”
“So you want him to get all tangled up in his tentacles?” Neku smirked. “He’s hot enough, I guess. Should I be jealous?”
Nagi put on her own smug smile. “My, how scandalous.”
“Wow, I think my popcorn’s out,” Rhyme held up a clearly still-full bucket. “Better go get some more and maybe stay in the kitchen for the rest of the conversation.”
Shoka sighed. “You and me both, sis.”
“Whatchu all talkin’ about?”
Eri turned around and patted Beat’s knee. “They’re making fun of us for not being weirdos like they are.” Before she moved her hand away, she patted Fret’s knee, too. “Let’s all enjoy not being weirdos together, right, Fret?”
“Yo, Phones ain’t no weirdo. Hol’ up.” Beat paused.
“Don’t hurt yourself thinking too hard,” Shoka added.
“I got it,” Beat said proudly. “If he a weirdo, he my weirdo.”
Fret couldn’t help it. “N’awwww.”
Eri puffed out her cheeks. “You hear that, Shi? He accepts Neku being a weirdo. You just make fun of me for liking the special effects.”
Shiki laughed. “It’s even weirder that you think these effects look good.”
“Shi, you have the sharpest eyes in the room. I love you for it. But the special effects are pretty for us normal people.” Eri wiggled her fingers. “Like the tentacles.”
Fret was losing track of what the word ‘weird’ was supposed to mean at this point.
“Uhhhh,” Rindo said. “Sorry, Eri. I think you’re the odd one out here.”
“That brotha ain’t pretty.” Beat shuddered. “Them tentacles look like they finna reach outta the screen an’ grab my angers.”
“You mean ankles?” Neku offered.
“Naw, my angers. ‘Cuz I’mma punch Swamp Ass back inta the mud!”
“Perchance you could punch the film back into the primordial ooze from whence it came, as well.”
Fret giggled. This was the most fun sleepover he’d had since…well, ever.
Hard to believe that just a couple years ago, it wouldn’t have even occurred to Fret to ask for a sleepover at all, much less one where he could be snuggled up to everyone like this.
He wouldn’t have even thought about asking for a hug. Because requesting a platonic hug just because he wanted one was strange, right? Cuddles were for, like, couples and stuff. He’d hafta get a date before he could ask for basic human contact, right? Wasn’t that part of the point of dating in the first place?
But Beat gave hugs all the time, and, hey, free hugs meant that Fret didn’t have to pay the awkward price of asking for a hug. But then Nagi had noticed how much Fret seemed to like them. Shoka had noticed too. Rindo had noticed after he and Fret had started dating.
So suddenly everyone was asking Fret if he wanted more hugs. And Fret, even through layers and layers of conditioned embarrassment, couldn’t bring himself to say no to free hugs . Or free handholds. Or free pokes, or shoulder bumps, or head pats. Or even someone leaning just slightly into him, enough that they could exchange body heat.
Like now, with Nagi and Shoka tucked up against his sides. Beat occasionally pulling them all even closer together with a big side hug, their laughter vibrating through him as they watched the girl researching what kinds of sweet treats a swamp monster would like.
And Rindo…was fast asleep. Fair. Romcoms weren’t his kind of thing at all. Plus he had greeted Fret with a happy birthday text exactly at midnight last night, and Fret had been so excited texting him back and forth that he…had never gone to bed. Which meant Rindo had never gone to bed either. Oops.
But it had kind of been worth it, because Fret had still been awake at three in the morning when his window had spontaneously opened and a basket had dropped in. He’d almost leaped into the ceiling before he’d thought to check the time.
There was only one person who would come knocking at exactly 3:14.
The basket, which was actually made out of a twisted bicycle seat and spray-painted in different shades of yellow, held an entire mountain of tiny muscovado konpeito in rainbow colors, the candy stars glittery from shiny sugar. But he would’ve bet his dinner that it added up to some number related to him, or his birthday, or something. But Fret had been too sleepy to manually count them out right then, and by the morning he’d been too hungry to manually count them out, so he’d trust that Minamimoto knew just the right number to celebrate his birthday with.
Especially since the handwritten note tucked into a corner, written in bright teal glitter ink with loopy handwriting, assured Fret that the konpeito had been thoroughly taste-tested to ensure that the “overgrown calculator” hadn’t made them so sweet that they would have sent a mere mortal like Fret into a coma. The sugar-stars were Princess-approved.
Fret was sure that Minamimoto would show up sometime at the strangest place and give him another long hair-ruffle before vanishing again, like he always did. Fret didn’t even mind when it messed up the ‘do he worked so hard on.
It was Minamimoto’s way of showing affection, just like Coco’s note was her way of indicating that even she was looking out for Fret. Also probably just an excuse to eat konpeito. But she wouldn’t have taken the time to write if she hadn’t cared in her own way.
And he’d take those. Minamimoto had no reason to do anything that he didn’t want to. So if he had gone out of his way to get a gift basket of sweets from himself and Coco to Fret, then, well...
He’d just delivered sugar-stars, but to Fret, it might as well have been the whole night sky.
But back to his poor Rindude, still swaddled in a mountain of blankets. He wanted to be more affectionate with Fret, but he was so sensitive to touch that he almost found it painful. They had found some workarounds, like using a blanket or Rindo’s coat for hugs. Even then, Rindo’s hugs were so light and careful, like he was worried even a little pressure could break Fret’s bones. But Fret still enjoyed their ethereal, almost ticklish quality, because only his Rindude knew how to give hugs like that.
Shiki’s head wasn’t blocking the bottom part of the screen anymore. She and Eri had fallen asleep against each other. Shiki had sagged into Eri’s lap, and Eri’s hand was still on Shiki’s head where she must’ve dozed off mid-petting. Cute.
Fret hadn’t met Eri until long after the Game. Turned out Shiki’s girlfriend was really touchy-feely. She’d practically scooped him into a hug and then let him go in a flurry of I’m-sorries, but eagle-eyed Shiki had noticed how Fret’s face must’ve lit up. Because now Eri offered him hugs every time she saw him, sometimes bear-hugging him even before she remembered to ask. And Shiki, who didn’t hug as much but could always catch when to call Eri over for Fret’s sake, would touch him on the shoulder or wrist.
When Fret looked down for his own popcorn, he noticed that Rhyme had curled up around the pillow she’d been sitting on. He very lightly nudged her shoulder with his toe, but she didn’t stir. She’d been wide awake during the early parts of the movie, when the swamp monster had been terrorizing the town, but the moment the girl’s Sparkle-Vision had painted the monster pink, she’d zoned out.
Maybe they should’ve gone with her other pick, The Squirrels.
She almost always had a knee-nudge or a shoulder-poke to offer. Anytime they were studying together—or, to be real, she was tutoring him—she’d find any excuse to give him a pat on the head. When she had to get his attention, she almost never called his name. Always a poke, and usually a poke that would linger long enough for him to feel the warmth afterwards. On the occasion that she did ask him whether she could hug him, she told him not to hug back. He could do that, letting his arms dangle at his sides and his mind drifting off while she wrapped her hoodie sleeves around him.
Beat tapped Fret’s knee. Fret glanced over Shoka’s head to whisper an apology for poking Rhyme only to find Beat basically not moving.
Wow, even Neku was out, using Beat’s shoulder as a pillow. Beat meanwhile was pretty much frozen in place because he did not want to wake Neku up. Though the effort seemed to be making Beat nod off too. Aww.
Fret understood why. Neku wasn’t really into big shows of affection, but he would, say, bump into Beat, which would make him bump into Fret, that kind of thing. Or he would just so happen to rub his shoulders on Fret’s in passing, except it happened a little too regularly to be a coincidence. Maybe an occasional high-five or fist bump, if the situation called for it. So for him to fall asleep against Beat was rare. Guess the movie was that bad, huh?
Because yeah, the movie had gone from hilariously bad to boring bad. This was just a lazy mashup of lovey-dovey tropes, except the object of affection was an icky sticky swamp monster. Well, Fret still kinda liked it, because he was a sucker for these kinds of tropes—uh, the lovey-dovey ones, not the monster...effing...ones—but he wasn’t about to pretend that the movie was good at them either.
“Movie’s too long…” Shoka grumbled. “ And I’m out of popcorn. Hello, 110, I’d like to report a crime.”
Nagi meanwhile answered with loud snores on the other side, head drooped forward.
Fret very carefully pushed her glasses up so they wouldn’t fall off her nose. Or maybe he should have just taken them off? Though, Nagi might freak out if she woke up to blurry vision and no idea where her glasses were.
While he attempted to galaxy-brain a solution, Shoka plopped against Fret’s side, squishing him even more against Nagi. “Ugh, free food isn’t worth it if I have to keep watching this. Wake me up when there are explosions or someone croaks or something.”
Fret chuckled. “Okie dokie, Shokie.”
Sadly there were no explosions. Or croaking. Or any kind of action, really. The girl got married to the swamp monster, who turned out to be the Swamp Queen, and the boy-next-door was the best man. That was it. The End.
More snores past Shoka. Beat had finally fallen asleep too, his head lolled against Neku’s.
And Fret was the last Wicked Twister standing after that long B-movie marathon. Everyone else was passed out around him, and he wasn’t even tired.
Ha! That meant free food for him! The birthday that kept giving! Insomnia for the win!
Ha…
Fret stared at the screen even after the credits were done. Now that the movie was over, he could still hear the soft but steady patter of rain outside. Wow, it really had rained all day, huh? His gaze wandered over to Rindo, who was curled up snug in his chair, almost lost in a sea of blankets. Fret chuckled a little. Then he glanced at the rest of his sleeping friends, who had only snuggled together more in their slumber. Which meant that Fret, at the center, had gotten even more smooshed. Smooshedier? Felt more like smooshediest, if anything.
…Maybe Fret was more tired than he thought. Now if only that tiredness would help him sleep.
All this affection, from everyone…How had Fret gone on so long without it before?
…Well, he knew how.
Because Fret’s heart had been so tightly shut by the pressure of constant emotional pain that he hadn’t even begun to think about any physical needs he’d had. The sadness, the anger, the guilt, the thoughts that if he had done something, anything different, maybe his old friend wouldn’t have…
Compared to all that, a lack of human contact was nothing, right? Not even a blip on the radar. Not when there was so much other agony to suppress. Because it had to be suppressed, if he wanted to move on and make new friends. No one wanted a sad sack for a buddy. People would only listen to his grief for so long before they got sick of it. Fake it until you make it and all that.
Or, even better, just keep faking it until the end of time. Who needed to know about the depths of his pain anyway? If it would just expose him for the failure he was? As long as he could be a good friend, a cheerful friend, a useful friend, then the past didn’t matter, right?
Feelings were stupid. Thinking was stupid. He was stupid for feeling and thinking and hurting all the time.
…Yeah, Fret had been stupid, looking back. But for a very different reason.
For when the mask had finally cracked, and everything ugly had tumbled out into the open, the Wicked Twisters had been there for him. And now other friends, even people who hadn’t played the Game at all or seen how stressed out he’d been, were still there for him. Even when everything kept tumbling into the open, long after the Game, even now . Either because he had unwittingly unleashed a dam of emotions that had built up for years , or because he was actually trying to be honest with his feelings and had pulled out way more than he had prepared for.
Yet everyone has been so kind to him, so patient, so understanding, that maybe, just maybe, he could occasionally let his heart open up just a tiny bit. Even if it was incredibly painful, and he could only do it for a short amount of time before slamming it shut again.
Because Rindo, Nagi, Shoka, Beat, and Neku had heard Fret talk about what’d happened during the Game itself, in a moment of high stakes and high stress. But all the hugs and kindness and affection since then had made it possible for Fret to even tell Shiki and Rhyme about it. He hadn’t filled Eri in yet, exactly, but he was working up to it. And Eri had assured him that she’d be there to offer hugs even if he never told her. He didn’t need a reason or an excuse or a tragic backstory to deserve love or kindness, she’d said. He didn’t have to open up until and unless he felt safe. Which made Fret even more determined to explain, someday.
And Fret made sure to repay the favor too! Helping everyone with their own problems as much as he could! Even if it wasn’t much! Especially since he could be so much trouble! Especially since he was so stupidly needy! Especially since he…
…Was loved anyway.
…And he loved them too.
It had slooowly stopped feeling like yet another debt, yet another obligation, yet another source of guilt, and more like…Just because he could. Just because he wanted to. Just because he loved them.
And now it was easier for Fret to accept that love, to accept that contact, to accept that maybe they did actually always want him around. All this warmth, from without and from within…
Because at some point, after all that effort before, without him even noticing, his heart had stayed wide open.
Now he could finally really feel things. Not just bad things, though that was important too, but good things. Geez, when had his emotional suppression gotten so bad that he’d set a strict level cap on his happiness? Afraid of too much joy, excitement, or love? Even when he was outside of school? Even when he was with friends? Even when he was all alone?
It was hard for him to smell the roses if he was always wearing a mask, huh?
Fret nestled himself closer to his sleeping companions.
Yeah, Fret should join in for more sleepovers. More movie nights. More times when they can just fall asleep together like this. …Well, Fret still wasn’t sleepy. He might stay awake until everyone else woke up. That was just how insomnia was sometimes. But at least he would comfy in mind and body and spirit, and maybe that was all he really needed tonight.