Work Text:
I was young when you started.
Young enough to not know
That even though you were older
That didn't mean your word was law.
You said be quiet,
That I was too much.
So I bit my tongue until it bled,
Kept inside the perceived flaw.
You said my energy was exhausting,
That no one could keep up.
So I tried to shrink inside myself
And make myself small.
You said my emotions were excessive
And sent me to my room.
So I tried to hide them,
To feel nothing at all.
You said you loved me
But tried to change me so much.
So I didn't feel I was allowed to be myself,
And that triggered my fall in part.
My fall into depression
And anxiety.
Where the issues overlapped
And the emotions disappeared from my heart.
I drowned in my tears
Hid in my fears.
After all, I'd changed myself before,
I just needed to force myself to bend.
It took years
Before I realized how bad it was.
I tried to ask for help
Reaching out as I reached my wits end.
Again you told me be quiet.
Told me to shut my mouth.
I couldn't be that bad
Because there were those that had it worse.
So again I bit my tounge.
Again I closed myself off.
It made the pain more excruciating,
But you made me think I had to bear that curse.
More years passed.
The feeling persisted.
When blades weren't enough,
I wrote to come clean.
They weren't good, by any means.
But the experiences were mine
And reading through, though still invisible
Let me feel seen.
I met others
With similar words.
We compiled them together.
Maybe we'd be heard if there was more than one.
You didn't know what I was doing,
Thought I was just helping a friend.
Acted so supportive
Till you realized exactly what I'd done.
I wanted to share it.
I'd done a lot of work.
It was a project that was personal
And I thought it was mine to share.
You warned me against it.
Told me to reconsider.
Told me people would judge me for it.
You actually seemed to care.
I trusted you
And kept it close.
I didn't want to be looked at differently.
Your words seemed to ring true.
It took me years to learn
Maybe that wasn't the case.
Maybe you didn't want me to share it,
Because it would change how they saw you.
Afterall, the notes were about how I'd felt,
What cause the feelings,
And why I felt
It was so unfair.
It was a story of overcoming for me.
A story of pushing through.
But you were painted in a different light,
One of the causes of my despair.
I shared them then,
The writings I had kept.
It wasn't the same audience,
But it helped to clear my head.
I met someone then.
Someone who truly cared.
They gave me space to be myself.
Encouraged me to let my emotions spread.
A few more years
And I left your house
To be with them
Instead.
There was so much space for me
That I began to doubt myself.
Did I belong here?
With the question, many tears were shed.
They came to my side.
And I tried to shut down the emotions.
All they'd brought me before
Was trouble and rejection.
To my surprise
They didn't leave.
They held me close
And showered me with affection.
The feeling was strange,
Hard to comprehend.
They didn't mind that I was loud,
Actually wanted to see me be active.
They liked when I was real,
When I showed emotion.
They liked me when I was me,
Said it made me more attractive.
It's been another year now.
A year spent with them.
I still struggle at times to take that space.
Still struggle with being so free.
But they've helped me grow so much.
And I feel I can say it now.
I know you tried your best to help
Me be the "best" me I could be.
But
Even with good intentions.
In the end
Your love hurt me.