Chapter Text
7:23 PM on a Tuesday.
Riki was standing in the refridgerated aisle, staring at a shelf of orange juice. He wasn't shopping, he didn't even have a basket. He just came in to stand somewhere cold.
Behind him: the quiet squeak of shoes. Not the kind of sound that matters.
Until, "Riki?"
He didn't move at first, thought he imagined it.
But then he heard it again. "Riki."
When he finally turned around, Jungwon was standing there, holding a bag of frozen dumplings like he had just seen a ghost.
They stared at each other for a second too long, like a mirror trick.
Riki opened his mouth, then closed it. He hadn't said anything that mattered in days.
Jungwon took a breath that looked like it hurt, "You... Okay?"
Riki laughed, sharp and quick. "Yeah. Just wanted to look at the juice." He references the jugs in front of him with his hand lazily.
Jungwon didn't smile, and he made no point to leave.
They stood there like strangers playing chicken.
Finally, Riki broke it. "Do they still sell that cinnamon gum? Do you know?"
Jungwon blinked. "The kind the janitor used to give out?"
"Yeah."
He nodded. “Aisle five.”
Riki didn't move at first, but the longer Jungwon sat there looking at him the more he felt he had to. They walked there together, not side-by-side. Not touching or talking.
When they found the gum, Riki stared at it.
“Do you remember what you said?” he asked suddenly.
Jungwon looked over. “When?”
“In the closet. That last thing, right before it went quiet.”
Jungwon was still for a moment. “No.”
Riki nodded like he expected that.
He grabbed the gum, held it in his hand like it was heavy.
“Want to go sit somewhere?” Jungwon asked, voice soft.
Riki didn’t answer, just started walking.
Jungwon followed.
They sat at a bench outside the store. Neither of them spoke for at least five minutes.
The silence started to weigh heavy on Riki. "I haven't..." He didn't finish, and Jungwon didn't ask him what he was going to say.
If Riki looked far enough up the road, he could actually see his school. Jungwon followed his eyes. "My mom said I don't have to go back."
"Yeah?" Riki's ears felt muffled looking that way, like he was still in shock. He shook his head barely, just enough to change his line of sight. Jungwon either didn't notice or pretended not to. He just sat there; hands stuffed into his sleeves like they might do something bad if he left them out too long.
Riki chewed on the inside of his cheek. He opened the gum, offered a piece without looking. Jungwon took one, didn't say thank you.
The cinnamon hit sharp—hot and stale and exactly how he remembered.
Riki let it sit on his tongue before he asked, “Do you ever think about it?”
Jungwon’s jaw moved slow. “Every night.”
Riki nodded, like he didn’t know what answer he was hoping for. He pressed his heel into the ground like he was trying to root himself there. “I looked at your hand for, like, two hours.”
Jungwon glanced sideways. “Huh?”
“That day,” Riki clarified. “In the closet. I couldn’t look at the door. So I looked at your hand instead.”
He expected Jungwon to laugh. Or scoff. Or change the subject.
But all he said was, “It was shaking.”
“Yeah,” Riki whispered. “Mine too.”
A beat.
Then Jungwon pulled his sleeves back down and said, “You ever have dreams about it?”
Riki swallowed. “Sometimes. I wake up under my bed. Don’t even remember crawling there.”
Jungwon hummed, low in his throat. “Mine’s different.”
“Yeah?”
“In mine... you open the door.”
Riki blinked. The gum turned to ash in his mouth. He spit it out onto the ground.
“I never do,” he said quickly, like defending himself against something that hadn’t even been accused.
“I know,” Jungwon said. “It’s just a dream.”
They sat there a little longer. The sky turned the kind of pale purple that makes everything feel further away.
Jungwon reached into his hoodie pocket and pulled something out. A little silver keychain. Cheap, scratched, shaped like a turtle. He turned it towards Riki without explanation.
Riki stared at it like he had never seen anything like it before. “What’s this?”
“It was in my hand when they found us.”
Riki’s breath caught.
“You should keep it,” Jungwon said. “You looked at it longer than I did.”
Riki didn't remember it, he only remembered Jungwon's hand. "I gotta go."
Jungwon looked at him, his mouth slightly hanging open, but his eyes were blank. "Okay."
Riki stood up, didn't take the keychain. Jungwon watched him the whole time, grabbed his hoodie pocket and shoved the chain inside it before he could turn around.
"Hold onto it."
Riki didn't say anything else, he just went home as fast as he could.
Riki didn't see Jungwon again, not outside anyway.
His mom received a long email from his school, detailing information about students coming back. She told Riki he didn't have to go, he remembered Jungwon's mom had said the same to him. Riki didn't answer her, he didn't know if he actually could go back inside.
But on the Sunday night before, he found himself picking out clothes.
So, he got on the bus that Monday, his mom promised him that the second he felt like he needed to come home, she would be there. He told her he believed her, and then he went on to school.
Riki hadn’t meant to look at the door.
But it was right there.
They had put a new sign up, changed the room number. They painted the wall a fresh coat of blue that didn't match anything else. It was so obvious, like covering a scar with a really bad tattoo.
He stopped walking in the middle of the hallway. The air buzzed around him, students pushed past talking loud. It was like everyone was trying to talk over something they weren't saying, he wondered if their ears felt muffled too.
Riki stared at the door.
Honestly, he didn't remember a lot from that day. Mostly just sounds, a lot of them. And hands, Jungwon's hands.
He really remembered the silence after.
"You're blocking the hall," someone muttered behind him. He moved without thinking, pressed himself against the lockers until the footsteps passed.
“Riki.”
This time, he didn’t flinch. He turned.
Jungwon stood a few feet away. His hair was different. Cut shorter.
His uniform looked ironed.
They looked at each other for a beat too long.
Jungwon tilted his head toward the end of the hallway. “I’m in 2-C now.”
Riki nodded, slow. “They moved me to 3-B.”
A beat.
“Guess that makes sense,” Jungwon said. “Keep us separate.”
“Like it’s contagious,” Riki muttered.
Jungwon’s mouth twitched. “Yeah.”
Someone laughed down the hall. It felt wrong. Like someone turning music on during a funeral.
Riki looked back at the classroom door. “You think they’ll ever use it again?”
“I think they already did.”
Riki blinked. Jungwon’s voice was steady. He didn’t look at the door.
“I walked past it earlier,” Jungwon added. “There were desks. A plant in the window.”
Riki suddenly wanted to throw up. He wanted to go outside and run. He didn't know what he wanted to do.
"I thought you weren't coming back," Riki muttered, kicking the ground softly.
"I don't know," Jungwon shrugged. "I thought so too, until this morning. I guess I felt like that would be too bad."
"Too bad?" Riki almost scoffed. Of course the star student was worried about being bad.
"Yeah, too bad. Some kids can't come back, and it's not their choice."
Riki swallowed his tongue.
"Right."
"You still have the turtle?"
Riki's head snapped up. "It didn't go anywhere." He pulled the keychain out of his hoodie pocket.
They didn’t say anything else. The bell rang.
Riki stepped back, turned away, and walked to 3-B.
He didn’t look back.
But later—during roll call—he reached into his pocket and felt the piece of cinnamon gum still folded in its wrapper.
It had melted a little. Stuck to the foil.
He never looked at the list that the news put out, of everyone who died. But he didn't see that janitor.
He started feeling sick at noon. The kind of sick that makes you freak out, with tears. He was probably having a panic attack, and instead of asking, he just jumped up and ran to the bathroom.
He didn't call his mom, he just sat in the floor and cried.
He cried like he was a baby, messy and loud. He didn't think about it for a second.
Instead of going straight back to class after, he let his legs trail him back towards the closet. The closet he hid in with Jungwon. He knew better than to open the door, but it was like his mind wasn't being controlled by him.
He touched the handle, and it felt like he was scorched. He pulled his hand back and checked it just to make sure he hadn't been.
Then he called his mom. When she answered, she was already telling him she was on her way. Riki couldn't respond, his throat felt like it was closing or splitting in half. Perhaps both, simultaneously.
He took himself down to the office instead of ever going back to class, choked out that his mom was coming to get him. The principal didn't fight him; she just smiled and nodded towards the chair by the door.
Riki tried his best to calm down. Every time he felt like he could finally breath right, another tear burned down his cheek. He opened his mouth to ask something four different times, each time ending with the words dying in his throat.
The door swung open, and when Riki heard it, he stood up. "I'm here to pick up Yang Jungwon, he called, said he wasn't feeling well," a voice that didn't sound like his mom spoke. Riki looked up and was met with the spitting image of Jungwon, if he was older.
"Oh."
The principal smiled at him again before directing her attention to Jungwon's mom. "That's completely understandable, Mrs. Yang." She sounded so apologetic, like everything that happened was her fault. Riki felt a weird compelling to tell her that it wasn't. He didn't.
She called Jungwon down, he was there in record time. He looked at Riki the whole time he was leaving, but he didn't say anything.
The principal looked at Riki for a long time too, maybe she was wondering what was taking his mom so long. That's what he was thinking.
"Is there a way we can make things easier for you?"
Riki wasn't expecting that. He opened his mouth to say what he was trying to get out earlier, but tears came again. She didn't look at him any different.
His mom got there just then, came in like a storm. She saw the tears before she saw her son, and she was hugging him too tight. He pushed away and sunk back into the chair. "I-" his mom looked between Riki and the principal. Principal nodded her head like she knew that was going to happen, "that's completely normal, Mrs. Nishimura."
Riki's mom patted his shoulder instead, mumbled out an apology like she wanted to mean it but didn't fully understand what she was apologizing for. Riki couldn't blame her for that.
He stood up and grabbed his bag, the turtle keychain slipping out of his pocket. When he leaned down to pick it up, he felt the courage come back to his voice. His mom waited outside the door for him, and he took his time.
He turned to the principal, "I wanna be in Jungwon's class."
He left before he could hear her respond.
The next day, Riki had to convince his mom to let him go to school. He didn't really know why he fought so hard to go, but he was.
"I promise, I'll be fine today. Yesterday it was just, weird."
His mom cried. Riki selfishly thought she was trying to be a victim too.
He got on the bus and road to school, a pit in his stomach already forming from hurting his mom's feelings.
The assistant principal stopped him on his way in, handed him a new schedule and didn't say a word. Well, it was just a bright pink sticky note that had his name on it, as well as 'class 2-c'. Riki didn't smile, he crumbled up the paper and went to the room.
Jungwon wasn't there. Riki felt like that was funny, in another timeline, it would have made him laugh.
"Are you feeling better today, Riki?" The teacher asked it loudly, everyone in the room turned and looked at him.
"I can't do this." He actually said it out loud. He backed up into the door, a loud thud echoing through the room. His reaction time felt slowed, he didn't even feel embarrassed. He tripped on his own feet as he left the room and sat against the wall in the hallway.
About twenty minutes passed before the teacher had come out to find him. She crouched down next to him, his head was down. She placed her hand on his shoulder softly, he didn't move. "Riki, I know it's hard." She was silent for a long time. "But if you aren't going to participate, I..." she trails off.
"Jungwon's not here today," Riki muttered.
The teacher doesn't speak, but she makes sounds like she is trying to. Riki looked up at her just to see what she was doing. "I know, I know you and Jungwon are close, but if you, you, need more time to, you know. process, you should take it."
What a polite way to say 'stop interrupting my class with your PTSD.'
Riki scoffed. "Me and Jungwon aren't close. We aren't even friends. We never talked before."
She didn't respond, just smiled in that way that people do when they have nothing else to say.
"Jungwon..." Riki stopped talking. He suddenly felt stupid, weird. Why was he so obsessed with Jungwon?
There was the sick feeling again, the tears.
He called his mom again.
This time Riki's mom didn't let him go back. He didn't fight it, either. He stayed up in his room, dark but not completely black. Riki kept a lamp on with a blanket thrown over it.
He ate sometimes. His mom always left food outside his room, but he didn't always touch it. He could hear everything they said about him. His mom's worry, his dad's quiet annoyance. They were going to lose their patience with him, Riki just knew it. As much as he didn't want to hear them talking about him like he wasn't around anymore, he couldn't bear to invite any noise into his room. No TV, no music, nothing.
One day, maybe a month after the last day he went to school, someone knocked on his door. It wasn't quiet like his mom, or angry like his dad. It was official, Riki dumbly thought they called the police to come check if he was still alive.
He opened the door and was met with a woman he had never seen before. She didn't stick her hand out to greet him, she just stood there. "My name is Olivia, I'm here to talk to you."
Riki rolled his eyes, might have even made a sound of protest.
She didn't budge, didn't seem bothered at all.
Riki had to check out his window to see if it was night or day, and when he realized it was dark out, he looked at Olivia like she should leave.
"I have been here quite some time, huh?" she asked, rubbing her hands on her jeans. Riki nodded mutely.
"I wanna bring up one more thing, Riki. Something your mom told me," she was quiet in her delivery. Riki was scared for a moment.
"Your mom, she says," Olivia paused, sat back down. "She said you have night terrors, nightmares?"
Riki nodded again, still holding his curtain open slightly like he was frozen.
"She says you're calling for someone, in these dreams."
Riki starts feeling little, like a candle. He knows his wick is getting too short.
"I don't know," he said it so quiet he wasn't sure if she heard.
"She said it's a friend from school, I wanna ask, was he, was he there? When it all happened?"
Riki blinked, let his hand drop from the window.
"Jungwon's not my friend."
"Jungwon? Was he, there?"
"He was in the closet with me, yeah. But we didn't talk, and we never talked before."
Olivia looked down at the books laying across Riki's floor. "Riki, do you have a way to contact Jungwon? Outside of school?"
"I don't want to."
Olivia stood up, rubbing her jeans again. "I think you would greatly benefit from it."
And then she left.
Olivia came back every day. Some days Riki opened his bedroom door, some days he didn't. She asked about his grandparents, about his childhood pets, about what his favorite class was before. She didn't ask about Jungwon again. Riki didn't know why he wanted her to so bad.
Riki's phone lit up in the middle of one of their talks, interrupted a half conversation about Riki's favorite memory with his dad. He didn't reach over to grab it, but his eyes lingered on it while he was talking.
"I guess I picked the zoo memory because my dad let me do the, do the face paint," his voice sounded slow, outside of his own body.
"You can check it," Olivia chuckled, watching Riki.
He didn't respond, just listened. It was a message request. His expression was telling, because the next thing Olivia asked was, "may I ask what it is?"
"School. Something about school," Riki muttered and shut his phone off.
"What about?"
"It was Jungwon," he pushed the words out like he physically had to.
Olivia looked vaguely impressed, maybe amused. Riki didn't like it either way. "What did he want?"
"Is that your business? Is Jungwon's mom paying you to pry on him, or was that my mom?"
Olivia did look impressed that time, but not in the genuine way. "You should text him back, is what I think."
Riki pulled the curtains back, "I think you should leave."
She did, without another word. Riki couldn't tell if that was a power move from him, but it didn't feel like one. He watched her car leave the driveway, and then he opened his phone again.
jungwons_kickflip has requested to message you.
He clicked on the message preview.
"I found your account finally. ur username is so weird. text me back"
Riki rubbed his temples, shut his phone on and off multiple times, then pressed accept.
"there is nothing wrong with my username."
Riki pressed send and then threw his phone under his pillow.
He heard his phone immediately. He reached for it at the same time.
"lol. ok mimikyu. anyways i wanted to know if u wanted to go do something."
Riki looked at the text for 15 seconds. "i picked that name when i was younger. mimikyu is my favorite pokemon character."
Jungwon responds immediately. "mimikyu is no ones favorite character. ur not real."
"yes i am."
Jungwon replied to his own message, the one where he'd asked to hang out, with a single question mark.
Riki stared at it long enough that Jungwon probably thought he was getting left on read.
"i guess. when?"
"i dont care when, whenever."
Riki scoffed, he didn't want to make the plan. He didn't want to be the one that was desperate.
"up to u, i dont care either."
Why did that look just as desperate?
"tomorrow? at the park, u know the one?"
"the only one in town?"
"thats the one"
Riki bit his lip, then his thumb nail.
"yeah thats fine with me"
"good, see u"
"yep"
Riki clicked onto Jungwon's profile. He didn't know why he was surprised to see him there. He scrolls through, not clicking on any of the pictures until he sees one of Jungwon when he was way younger. Before anything bad had happened to him.
It was a picture he posted for his own birthday, when he turned 16, but the baby in the picture could have only been two years old. Riki winced, physically.
He turned his phone off and forced himself to go to bed.
The next day he contemplated ghosting Jungwon. Just not going to the park and never responding to a message again. He thought about never leaving his room again for the rest of his life.
But he didn't. Just like the first day of school after it happened, he got ready, and he went.
His mom cried again when she saw him come out, his dad didn't even look up from his chair.
"It's nothing, mom. Why are you crying?" He asked, felt stupid.
"I just, I haven't really seen you in months, Riki. Not in the light."
Riki shuddered silently, "I'm going to the park."
"Be safe, love you."
Riki didn't respond, but he smiled at her before he shut the door, so she knew.
He and Jungwon hadn't set up a specific time, but he didn't have to worry about being late or early, because as soon as he showed up, Jungwon was showing up too.
"Same time," Jungwon said with a weird, fake looking smile on his face.
"How funny," Riki said, sickly serious.
They both sat on the swings, for a long time not speaking. When Jungwon started kicking at the ground and actually swinging, Riki looked at him like he was stupid. Childish. Then he remembered that picture of Jungwon when he was a kid, and he swallowed down anything he was going to say or not say. He started swinging too.
They were both going so high the set poles were coming out of the ground. Every time Riki looked at Jungwon's face, he looked serious. Too serious for his age, Riki knew he looked the same.
They slowed down on their own, when they both simultaneously agreed to stop kicking their legs.
The sun was going down, Riki noticed it cast Jungwon's skin into a pretty golden color. Pretty.
"I wanna go home," Riki said quietly.
"What?"
"I wanna go home," Riki repeated, looking directly into the sun until he couldn't anymore. When he looked away, he looked at Jungwon's hand.
"Why?"
"Just do."
"Okay then," Jungwon didn't push. Riki almost wanted him too. He almost wanted to hold his hand. He wondered if that was what Olivia was talking about when she was telling him about trauma responses.
He made no move to leave.
"Do you still feel, weird?"
Jungwon nodded, "yeah. I don't think it ever goes away. Is it going away for you?"
"No."
"Do you ever feel like..." Jungwon trailed off.
"Probably," Riki responded.
Jungwon chuckled, hearing it made Riki chuckle too.
"Do you ever feel like you're the only person who still feels it, like the other kids don't?"
Riki let out a long breath. "Like I'm lying?"
They both said "yeah" at the same time.
"I feel like I'm not supposed to still be scared. I should be able to go to school, come out of my room and stuff, you know?"
Riki nodded deeply, because he knew. Really knew.
"My mom hired a therapist," Riki said after a beat.
"A real one?"
Riki nodded, "obviously."
Jungwon kicked his foot in Riki's direction, but he was too far to actually kick him.
"She's not helping me," he said.
"No?"
"No."
"Maybe it's just something that doesn't go away, you know?" Jungwon said quietly, slapping a mosquito off his arm. "Like a brain rewiring, it's just who we are now."
"I don't wanna be like this," Riki said softly. Like he was asking Jungwon to fix him.
"Sometimes that's just how it is," Jungwon replied, just as soft.
"I'll kill myself, I think."
"You wouldn't," Jungwon looked at Riki.
"I won't," Riki said back, looking at his own hands.
"Then don't say it," Jungwon had no malice behind his words. It almost sounded like he was worried.
"Sorry."
They sat in silence for a while longer, until the sun had fully gone down.
They sit even after that.
"What time is it?" Jungwon asks.
Riki jumps, like he had forgotten Jungwon was even there. "I didn't bring my phone."
"Me either."
"It's gotta be at least 1 AM," Riki said, looking up at where the moon had hung herself.
"Wanna come back to my house?" Jungwon asked it so casually.
Riki wanted to say something stupid. Something like, "but we don't even know each other." But they do.
"Um," he was silent for at least a minute. Jungwon didn't ask again.
"Yeah."
Jungwon stood up and waited for Riki to stand up too. They didn't talk until they got to Jungwon's front door. "My parents are asleep." Riki didn't know if he was telling him to be quiet or telling him not to worry.
Either way he was quiet.
They went back to Jungwon's room, and it gutted Riki. He looked around at all his stuff, and it felt like seeing Jungwon for who he was actually. Like before the bad stuff happened, and that feeling comes back to him. He had posters hung, lego sets, a soft leather football, childhood pictures on the wall.
Riki's room wasn't like that, he got rid of things that made him feel like a kid as soon as he got old enough to. Like that part of him never mattered.
Jungwon had Spider-Man sheets.
He sat down on the bed awkwardly, like it wasn't his own home. "You can sit too," he said, not looking Riki in the eye.
"I'm alright," Riki didn't realize how stupid that sounded until he said it. He sat down on the floor.
"I meant on the bed," Jungwon said, a small bite of a smile in his voice that didn't translate to his face.
"Oh." Riki didn't know if he should move or not, he didn't.
Jungwon sighed and got in the floor with him.
"Why is Mimikyu your favorite Pokémon?"
"Not sure, which one do you like?"
"Pikachu."
Riki nodded, like that was fitting. Mimikyu wanted to be just like Pikachu, maybe like how Riki wanted to be just like Jungwon. Or maybe Riki just wanted a friend the way Mimikyu did.
"Have you eaten today?" Jungwon asked after Riki went quiet.
"Yeah," he lied.
"I haven't," Jungwon replied.
"Me neither."
Jungwon looked at him for a second before just looking back down. "Right."
He stood up, "I'm gonna go make us some rice." He left before Riki could stop him.
When Jungwon got back Riki was asleep in the floor. He sat the bowl of rice down on his dresser and reached for his comforter. He draped it over Riki and ate in silence without him. Then, when he was done, he crawled under the blanket next to him.
Riki woke up first. He groaned immediately, sitting up incredibly slowly. He had lines on his arms, and he could feel his hair sticking up in odd places.
He flinched out of the blanket when he saw Jungwon's arm around his waist.
"What the hell?" He said it quietly, sleep still in his throat.
Jungwon stirred a little while after, when Riki had already moved to sit in a chair away from him.
Jungwon didn't say anything when he woke up. Riki wasn't sure if he remembered he was even there. He cleared his throat. Jungwon looked over at him slowly, like his neck hurt.
"I thought you would have went home," Jungwon said, a yawn interrupting him at the end.
"Eh," was all Riki got out. Jungwon didn't question him. Instead, he asked if he wanted breakfast.
"I have twenty dollars, let's just walk to... somewhere," Riki said, standing up. He just didn't want to be in Jungwon's bedroom anymore, but he didn't particularly want to go back to his either.
"Okay."
They left the room in the same clothes they wore the night before. Jungwon's parents still hadn't made an appearance, so Riki didn't ask him if he was allowed to go.
"Where do you wanna go?"
Jungwon hummed, "it's your money, you pick."
Riki responded immediately, "my dad took me to this place once, it has breakfast all day, it was really good."
"Then let's go there."
"It's far..."
Jungwon looked down at his feet, "we have feet."
Riki elbowed him, "yeah, so? I'm not walking a million miles to eat breakfast."
"But you said it was really good."
"My mom is gonna be mad at me," Riki started.
Jungwon grabbed Riki's hand, and he stopped talking. "We'll be fine, we've survived worse."
Riki nodded, looking at their hands.
"People are gonna think we're queer," Riki mumbled.
"Maybe they'll think we look like brothers," Jungwon responded.
Riki looked at Jungwon, "if they think we're brothers, they are stupid."
"Why?"
"Because we don't look alike."
"Sure we do," Jungwon said as he kicked a pebble and started walking.
Riki followed, his hand still in his.
"We don't." Riki said it monotonously, leaving no room for argument. Except Jungwon had a good retort.
"Like the way Mimikyu looks like Pikachu."
Riki didn't respond, just kept walking.
When they finally got to the breakfast cafe, both of their feet were sore and their faces sweaty.
"It wasn't even that far," Jungwon breathed out. Riki didn't respond again, he just handed Jungwon his twenty. "Get me whatever you get, I'll wait out here."
Jungwon looked at him a little confused, "you don't wanna eat inside?"
"Not really."
Jungwon didn't push any farther. He went in and came back out with a bag of egg rolls. "This is what twenty dollars got me," he said, sitting down on the curb next to Riki.
"I wonder what they're eating at school," Riki muttered, taking a bite.
"I don't wanna think about it," Jungwon replied, taking his own bite. He moaned when he bit into it, Riki liked how it sounded.
"Told you it was good," he said, smiling slightly.
Jungwon ate the whole thing in record time.
They ate the rest on their walk back to town. Jungwon didn't wave at Riki when he turned the street to his house. He just watched him walk down the street until he was at his doorstop, and then he went back home.
When Riki walked into his house, he strangely felt good. Not really, but the kind that hits like a high before it crashes back down. His parents weren't awake yet, or they weren't out of their room. Either way, Riki almost wanted them to come down. Almost wanted them to ask where he was, what he did.
But they didn't, so he went back to his room. The high went away, he closed his curtain.
His mom knocked on the door about thirty minutes later, called his name. When he didn't respond, she knocked again. "Are you even in there?" She sounded frustrated, like his dad usually did.
"I'm in here," he called back.
She didn't respond that time, but he heard her rub her hand across his door before she walked away. He always noticed that kind of thing, his mom always did it.
Later, Olivia showed up. He let her in.
"Your mom told me you were out all night," she said eventually. Riki knew it was coming.
"I was with Jungwon."
Olivia's face lit up, like someone had uncovered Riki's lamp.
"And? How did you feel?"
Riki kicked his leg up onto his wall, lying flat on his bed. He threw a little plastic ball up and down. "I don't know. I didn't really think about how I felt."
"Riki, you don't have to think about feelings."
"I usually do, I don't know," Riki said casually.
"Was it positive, or negative?"
"Positive."
"Is he similar to you, or different?"
"Similar," Riki started, "different. Like Pikachu and... forget it."
"Like Pikachu and Ash, right?"
Riki looked at her crookedly from where his head was on his bed. "No, like Pikachu and Mimikyu."
"Oh," she hummed, "I don't know Mimikyu."
Riki scoffed, of course she didn't.
He sat up. "I think I'm done talking now."
"Are you going to see Jungwon again?"
Riki tossed the ball into the floor. "I said I was done."
Olivia leaned on the doorframe. "You should."
Riki bit his tongue to avoid yelling at her.
Riki forgot all about the time he spent at Jungwon's house, in favor of thinking about how much he didn't like Olivia.
He went to bed early, but he didn't sleep long. He woke up in a cold sweat, throwing his blanket on the ground. His lamp wasn't on, maybe it blew. He fumbled around for his phone, shaking it to turn the flashlight on. He stood up too fast for someone who had just woke up, stumbled over a chair and ended up falling on his face before he reached the light switch. He hit it on his way down, it felt too dramatic even for him.
He sat on his bed, trying to calm himself down. "It was a dream, you have them all the time, go back to sleep you idiot," he whispered, slapping himself on the cheek.
He tossed himself back on the bed, but his eyes wouldn't stay closed.
He texted Jungwon.
"r u awake?"
"yeah"
"why?"
"why r u??"
"idk."
"i had a nightmare"
Riki threw his phone down, of course he did. Of course they were even alike down to the dreams they were having.
"same"
"wanna talk about it?"
When Jungwon asked, it felt like he actually wanted to hear.
"no, but i wanna call"
Jungwon didn't respond, just sent a request to facetime. Riki covered his camera up and answered.
"I said call not facetime," he said, still sounding sleepy.
"It was an accident," Jungwon replied, also sleepy.
Riki looked at Jungwon on his phone, the angle made his eyes look bigger, and his hair looked fluffy. He was sleeping in a hoodie, or he put the hoodie on after he woke up.
"Did you sleep in that hoodie?" Riki asked, gently, like it mattered.
"Yeah."
Riki kept his camera facing the ceiling, he kept staring at Jungwon.
He watched him until his eyes got heavy, and then he fell asleep.
When he woke up, Jungwon was still there, asleep. Riki screenshotted, then felt weird and deleted it, accidentally hanging up in the process.
Jungwon texted him 15 minutes later.
"u hung up :("
Riki looked at the text for too long, unsure of what to make of it.
"it was an accident"
"u wanna come over?"
"sure"
As quickly as Riki sent it, he changed his clothes quickly and left. The hoodie that he pulled on had the turtle keychain in it. He held it as he walked to Jungwon's house.
He knocked on the door gently, then a little harder. Jungwon's mom answered and smiled when she saw him like she knew him. She let him in without asking him anything. He doesn't say anything, just awkwardly slinks to Jungwon's room.
He heard her, just barely, "that's the boy Wonie was on the phone with this morning." He ignored it.
Jungwon was playing a video game when Riki walked in. "Hey," he said, not breaking eye contact with the screen. "You could have texted me, I would've let you in myself."
"It's cool, your mom's cool," Riki muttered. He sat on Jungwon's bed, watching him play.
"I have two controllers," Jungwon mentioned.
"Oh."
Jungwon spun around in his chair, "I'm asking if you wanna play."
Riki nodded, "yeah. Yeah."
Jungwon tossed a controller at him and he barely caught it, too busy looking at Jungwon's face. He looked younger.
They played for hours. Riki texted his mom in between to let her know he was staying the night, she replied with a bunch of emojis. Riki didn't understand what any of them meant.
When they got tired of the game, Jungwon sat out a blanket on the floor.
"You ever think about going back to school?" He asked, stretching out on it. Riki was sprawled out on his bed, leaned over the side with his arms dangling off. "Not really."
"I do."
"I only really think about one thing when I think about school," Riki responded.
"What?"
"If we were in different rooms," he said, whispery, his voice cracked.
Jungwon huffed, "we weren't." Not angry, just sure.
Riki looks over at him in the floor, "I know."
Jungwon didn’t say anything after that. He just let Riki’s words hang in the air, quiet like dust.
Riki shifted on the bed. The way the springs creaked made it sound like it hurt.
“I keep trying to remember how it started,” he mumbled, eyes locked on a tear in the comforter stitching. “Like... the very first sound. The first thing that made me scared.”
Jungwon didn’t move. “You don’t remember?”
“I thought I did.” Riki’s voice tightened. “But every time I think I’m there, it’s different. Sometimes it’s a door. Sometimes it’s screaming. Once it was the fire alarm, but I think that part came later.”
Jungwon closed his eyes. “For me it’s always the silence.”
That caught Riki off guard. “What?”
“Like right before. Everything went still. You ever notice that? How you can feel when something’s about to be wrong?”
Riki swallowed. He wanted to say yes—but the truth was, he didn’t. Not really.
“I felt like a little kid,” he admitted instead. “Like, not even a person. Just this… thing that needed to be hidden.”
Jungwon opened his eyes and looked up at him. “You weren’t.”
“Weren’t what?”
“A thing.”
He said it simply. Like it was a fact.
“You were just scared. So was I.”
"My therapist said that," Riki shrugged, pushing himself off the bed and onto the floor near Jungwon. "Said something about just being scared, said I associate being a little kid with fear."
Jungwon looked at him and gently reached over to touch his hand, "Do you?"
"I guess so, but I don't know why. Nothing happened to me when I was a kid."
Jungwon shrugged, "maybe you just remember feeling vulnerable as a kid."
"Yeah," Riki nodded, but he was staring at their hands.
"I think I'd only go back to school if you were there."
Jungwon didn’t respond right away.
“Okay.”
Riki looked down. “That’s it?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know. Something, maybe.”
Jungwon pulled the blanket up to his chin like a kid. “Okay means I’ll go. If you do.”
Riki’s chest tightened. Not in a bad way.
He didn’t say thank you. Just let it sit.
Riki wasn't sure when he fell asleep. One second, he was listening to Jungwon breathing, the next he was out.
The dream was slower than usual.
He was in the hallway again. Not the real one but the dream version. Quiet, washed-out. No color in the lockers. The door to the closet was gone. Just a blank stretch of wall like nothing ever happened.
Jungwon was there too.
He looked the same, but softer somehow. His eyes weren’t tired. He smiled at Riki like he wasn’t afraid of anything. He said something, but there was no sound. Riki couldn’t hear him.
Then Jungwon reached for his hand.
And when he touched him, just that, just their fingers brushing, Riki’s whole body locked up. Like it burned. Like it mattered. Jungwon leaned forward, and Riki couldn’t move. Not frozen. Just still.
The space between them was paper-thin.
He didn’t know if they kissed. He wasn’t even sure if Jungwon wanted to kiss him.
Then the dream cracked open like glass.
Riki woke up gasping. The room was dark, humid with sleep. He blinked hard, trying to get rid of the static in his chest.
Jungwon was right there.
Curled up next to him, face turned toward the wall. One hand tucked under his head, the other resting against Riki’s arm. Barely touching. But touching.
Riki didn’t move. He stared at the ceiling like it might give him a sign. He didn’t know what to do. Didn’t even know what he felt. Just that his skin was hot, his throat was tight, and that dream—
That dream didn’t feel fake.
He let his eyes close again, not to sleep, just to pretend.
When Jungwon woke up, it was at 6 AM. He shook Riki, even though he was already awake.
"Wake up," Jungwon stuttered as he shoved Riki around.
Riki didn't want to open his eyes.
"Come on, I was serious about going back to school."
Riki got up then, pretended like he had been sleeping.
Jungwon tossed an outfit at him and then changed his clothes. Riki looked away like it was serious. "Hurry up," Jungwon muttered, still tired.
Riki fumbled with the clothes, went to the bathroom to change into them.
He felt like Mimikyu more than ever, wearing Jungwon's clothes.
Jungwon met him in the bathroom, after Riki had already opened the door. He stood behind him in the mirror, slightly shorter. Riki stared at him.
"If you don't wanna go, that's fine."
"No, I... I said I would, if you did. You are, so I am too."
Jungwon's mom passed the bathroom, peeked inside. "Are you two, going to school?"
Jungwon nodded, Riki did too.
She didn't say anything else, just smiled a little too wide.
Riki started feeling weird again.
When they got to school, people didn't act surprised to see them. It was like everyone else had already gone back to their usual routine. Riki almost reached for Jungwon's hand.
Jungwon stopped to ask the principal if they were even allowed to come back, she smiled and said of course.
They went up to class, Jungwon reached for Riki's hand. Riki pulled it away.
They sat on opposite sides of the room, the only seats left.
Riki kept glancing at him, until his ears started getting muffled. He wasn't about to run away again, leave the classroom like he always had before.
He just sat there, staring at Jungwon's hand on his desk.
During lunch Riki made his escape. He took the quick route to the bathroom and didn't come out. Jungwon found him after lunch was over.
"Why didn't you come eat?"
Riki opened the bathroom door, tears streaked down his face. He looked at Jungwon like he could wipe his tears. He did. His hand lingered against his cheek.
"I don't think I can come back," Riki whispered, leaning into Jungwon's hand like instinct.
"That's okay," Jungwon replied. He pulled Riki closer, gently. As soon as Riki's cheek touched Jungwon's shoulder, he burst into tears.
"I think- I think I associate you with that day," Riki sobbed.
"That's okay."
"No, it's not," Riki couldn't stop crying. He was being too loud, too embarrassing. He couldn't stop though. Jungwon stayed until he did.
Instead of going back to class, Jungwon and Riki trailed through the hallway like a couple of ghosts. Riki thought maybe they were ghosts.
When the bell rings, and the other students join them in the hallway, Jungwon leads Riki out to the playground. Not the one from before, the one outside the Elementary school.
This one is smaller, not technically even a playground. There was a small swing set, a slide too small for either of them, and a little duck that had gone rusted.
Riki is still choked up, but his throat and face were dry from tears. He kept wiping his face anyways.
Jungwon sits awkwardly on the swing, Riki next to him.
"I'm sorry I was weird," Riki muttered.
"You're not weird."
The silence sat between them, Riki thought that was the story of their life. The silence.
Riki finally said something, "do you think if it had been someone else in the closet with me, I'd feel better now?"
Jungwon doesn't answer. What did that mean for him? If he hadn't been in that closet with Riki, he might be dead.
Riki looks over at Jungwon's shoes, the way they were facing into each other. It reminded him that Jungwon was reacting too, even without saying anything.
He handed Jungwon his turtle keychain back. Jungwon didn't take it. "If you give it back, I'll just put it in your pocket again."
Riki huffed, then Jungwon spoke again. "Do you ever think about what it would've been like if we met some other way?"
Riki shrugged, "I probably wouldn't have talked to you."
Jungwon went quiet for a second, then laughed a little. "Yeah, because you're kind of a dick."
Riki wanted to feel offended, but he knew it was true. "Yeah."
"We could have been best friends, don't you think?"
Riki shook his head no, "you were ahead of me."
"Ahead?"
"Yeah, we're only like this because we both didn't die that day."
Riki didn't mean to sound so mean, he didn't even mean what he said. He just meant it in the literal sense. He saw Jungwon twitch though.
"That's not true," Jungwon said, but it sounded weak even to Riki.
Riki didn't know why he kept going.
"Yes it is, you know it is Jungwon."
Jungwon shrugged, "even if it is, I still like you now."
Riki shuddered, his hair getting stuck in the swing. He freaked out, pulling his head away.
"Stop moving," Jungwon said, getting up and coming closer. Riki didn't listen, he kept pulling until he felt the hair rip out of his scalp.
Jungwon stared at him. "Why did you do that?"
"I don't know."
Jungwon stepped back, not in a cold way, but in a protective way. Like he was trying to shield Riki from seeing anything outside of himself.
"You always do that," Jungwon said, not mean, just hurt.
Riki doesn't ask what he means, he already knows.
"I don't think you hate me," Jungwon whispered, "but sometimes it's like you're trying to make me leave anyway."
Riki sat down on the grass. "It's easier if you do."
That hung.
Jungwon crouched, not close enough to touch him. "If I was gonna leave, I would have done it in the closet."
Riki flinched. He wanted to say something, tell him that he wouldn't have let him leave the closet. But he doesn't say anything at all.
"I didn't," Jungwon repeats. "And I'm not."
Riki looks at him, like he wants to kiss him. Maybe Jungwon can feel that.
"Stop pushing me away, I'm just wanting to be your friend."
Riki didn't respond, not with words, anyway. He pulled his knees into his chest; jaw locked like he was chewing through whatever was trying to crawl up his throat.
Jungwon let the silence hang.
"I used to think," Jungwon starts, "that if we'd been in different rooms, maybe, I'd feel normal now."
Riki lifted his head up.
"But then I’d think about the closet, and how quiet you were, and how you didn’t cry until I did.” Jungwon looked at the grass. “And I’d get scared all over again. ‘cause if it wasn’t you in there, I don’t think i would’ve made it.”
Riki's lip twitched, his throat made a weird click sound.
"You think I saved you?" The idea tastes rotten in Riki's mouth.
"No," Jungwon said. "But you were there."
Riki started rubbing his hands together, like he was starting to spark something.
"If we were friends before," he mumbled, "you wouldn't have liked me."
Jungwon raised an eyebrow. "I like you now."
Riki's eyes got glassy. "You shouldn't."
"You keep giving me reasons to like you."
It stung, because it was kind.
Riki looked down at his lap, then at the turtle keychain. He figits with it.
"You really wanna be my friend?"
"Yeah, I think I already am."
Riki nodded, "you are."
Jungwon didn't respond. He picked at the grass on the ground, absentmindedly.
The sun started going down, Riki looked at Jungwon again.
"It's getting late," Riki whispered.
"I know."
Jungwon moved to lay his head in Riki's lap. Instead of fumbling, Riki let his hands lazily hold it. His fingers carded through his hair gently, like it would fall out as easily as the grass slipped from his fingers.
"You know, you're pretty," Riki whispered.
"Pretty?"
"Yeah, pretty."
"Thanks, I guess you would be cute."
"I'm cute?" Riki sounded like he was offended.
"Yeah, cute. Like, your lips are like, puffy. It's cute."
"You're looking at my lips?"
"You were looking at mine."
Riki went quiet again, but it wasn't suffocating.
It was warm, like the air during a summer rain.
Jungwon didn't look away, looking up at Riki from his lap. Riki didn't look away either.
"You wanna kiss me?" Jungwon asked it like he was asking the time.
Riki blinked. Twice.
"I don't know."
Jungwon nodded, rolling to sit up.
"You don't have to know, I just wanted to know."
Riki's fingers chased his hair, dropping back to his lap when he was too far.
"What if I did?"
Jungwon smiled, slow. "Then you should."
Riki leaned in, cautious like he was walking through broken glass. Their foreheads touched, then their noses.
He stopped just short of Jungwon's mouth.
"I feel sick," he whispered.
"Me too," Jungwon whispered back.
Jungwon pressed closer, bumping lips with Riki's. He went to pull away, too quickly. but Riki moved to hold onto the back of his head.
It was soft, Jungwon kissed him again.
Riki pulled away after a few seconds. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For kissing you."
Jungwon laughed, "I asked you to."
Riki looked down, chewing the inside of his cheek like it might make time move faster.
"So what now?"
Jungwon shrugged, "we sit here until we get cold. Or until someone comes and yells at us, or something."
"You think anyone cares?"
Jungwon tilted his head.
"Probably not."
Riki didn't respond right away. He just looked at him, really looked. Like he was trying to memorize the shape of his face under the purple-gold sky.
"I do," Riki mumbled, so quietly he wasn't sure Jungwon heard.
Jungwon smiled. "I know."
Then Jungwon leaned over to kiss him again. Riki let him.
The walk home was quiet, not heavy. If Jungwon was talking to him, Riki wasn't hearing it. He was too far into his own head; his ears were muffled again.
When they reached the crossroad, where Jungwon had to go one way and Riki the other, Jungwon shook Riki by the hand where they were connected.
Riki stuttered in his steps, looking at him. "Bye," Jungwon breathed out.
"Oh, bye."
Jungwon stood there for a moment longer, Riki wondered if he was debating kissing him again. He did.
Riki kissed him softly, like he was in love. He wasn't, couldn't be. Every time Jungwon kissed him, it was better than before. Better than he imagined.
"I like kissing you," Jungwon said, against his lips.
"Me too," Riki muttered, looking down at the ground.
As Riki started walking down the road to his own house, his hand felt cold. He didn't think about it much, because he panicked.
His mom was outside, picking weeds in the front yard. Did she see him kiss Jungwon?
He walked slow, like maybe if he walked slow enough time would suck him backwards and he could not kiss Jungwon.
He thinks he'd still do it.
His mom smiled at him, Riki felt like she knew. She didn't say anything though, at first.
Riki made it to the front door, one foot inside the house. One foot closer to the safety of his bedroom.
"Are you and that boy dating?"
She didn't sound mad; she actually looked really happy. Like she could start crying from joy, and knowing his mom, she would.
"What?" He replied, dumbly.
"You and Jungwon, I saw you."
"We aren't dating," he bit back saying 'we aren't even friends.' Like he was used to saying.
"Do you, like him?"
"Yeah."
"Like, Like?"
"I guess, I don't know." He went in quickly, left the door open.
Later that night, his mom knocked on the door. Riki didn't open it, but he stood right against it. Maybe it was to feel close to her. Or maybe Riki actually was just a dick and he wanted to spite her. He didn't want that, but his brain always tried to convince him he did.
She rubbed her hand against the door, like she always did. Riki expected her to just walk away, but she didn't. "You can tell me whenever you're ready, Riki. I'll still love you."
Riki pulled the door open, almost aggressively. "Don't tell Olivia about it."
She nodded, tears in her eyes. "I wasn't going to."
"I don't want to talk to her anymore," he said, softly.
"Riki, can I, can I hug you?"
He didn't say yes. He didn't back away. When she hugged him anyways, he didn't push her. When she cried into his shoulder, he did too. When she pulled away, she looked at him. "You'll always be my son Riki, you know that? My biggest love, my strongest inspiration. I love you so much."
Riki tried to actually say I love you back. He couldn't get the words out. He just nodded.
Olivia never came back, Riki never thanked his mom for it.
He invited Jungwon to his house, regretted it as soon as he showed up.
His mom watched him like he was a spectacle, something fake. Her smile too big, excited. Riki felt embarrassed when he pulled Jungwon up to his bedroom. He wondered what his mom thought they were doing.
They didn't do anything. They didn't even look at each other, they just both sat in Riki's floor. Jungwon cleaned up the room a little. He uncovered Riki's lamp, mentioned something about a fire hazard.
Riki wanted to kiss him again, it was all he was thinking about.
He asked if he could. Jungwon agreed. Kissing him in the dark of his bedroom, on his bed, felt a lot more real than it did before. Felt like it could lead to something else, something Riki wasn't ready for. Jungwon might have been. When he pulled away to kiss Riki's throat, he let him.
He pulled back suddenly. "don't leave a hickey on me!" Jungwon laughed.
"I don't even know how to do that," he laughed. "It's easier than you think," Riki muttered, cheeks pinked.
Jungwon scooted away from him, still smiling, but with red ears.
Riki pulled his knees to his chest again, the room smelt like cologne. Jungwon's.
"You scared me," Jungwon said.
"I didn't do anything."
"You were gonna."
Riki stared at him. "Actually, you were."
Jungwon shrugged. “Yeah. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t nervous.”
Riki looked down, then cracked an eye open at him. "You ever done anything before?"
Jungwon shook his head no.
Riki chewed his lip. "Do you want to?"
"Are you asking, specifically?"
Riki nodded, then shook his head no.
Jungwon reached for his hand, "only with you."
Riki let him hold it, but his other hand went to the turtle keychain in his pocket.
"Jungwon... do you think we're normal?"
Jungwon didn't flinch. "Yeah, why not?"
Riki nodded, "Alright."
"Seriously, why not?"
Riki didn't have an answer, so he just shrugged.
Jungwon’s thumb brushed over Riki’s knuckles.
“We don’t have to be anything,” he said quietly. “If you just want to sit on the floor with me forever, I’ll do that.”
Riki laughed, but it sounded a little broken. “You’d really just sit here?”
“I’ve done worse things.”
That made Riki pause. He didn’t ask what Jungwon meant. He just kept holding his hand.
“I don’t know what I want,” Riki muttered. “I think I just like... being near you.”
“That counts,” Jungwon said.
Riki blinked at him.
“What?”
“That’s what Olivia would say.”
Jungwon snorted. “She’s not wrong.”
Riki rolled his eyes, but he didn’t let go.
Then, softer, “It’s hard to know what’s real. When everything started with something bad.”
Jungwon’s grip tightened. “This isn’t bad.”
“I know,” Riki whispered. “That’s what makes it scary.”
"You know graduation is next week," Jungwon said after a beat. Riki nodded, "my mom got an email about it."
"You wanna go to it?"
"I wasn't planning on it; I'll go with you if you want me to."
"Thanks, I do. I do want you, to come."
Riki nodded.
It rained the night before graduation. Riki could smell it in the grass, still damp under his sneakers.
He sat on the stoop steps, knees pulled up, arms wrapped around them like always. The turtle keychain dangled from his belt loop now. He didn't remember putting it there, but Jungwon slept over almost every day that week, so Riki guessed it was him.
But things were a little different after. He didn't show up to the graduation like he agreed to. He couldn't bring himself to go back to the school, couldn't even make it passed the Elementary school playground.
He didn't know if Jungwon was mad at him, because he didn't text. He didn't call, didn't come by Riki's house after.
There was an after party in some popular football player's house, Riki didn't go there either. He imagined Jungwon at someone else's house, laughing. He imagined him not thinking about that closet, or the cinnamon gum, or the silence. He imagined Jungwon not thinking about him. He tried not to be angry about it. He failed.
The day passed, the world hadn't changed. It was still cloudy, still quiet. Still dark in Riki's room.
He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. It was actually Jungwon. Even though it had only been a day of silence, Riki had already accepted that Jungwon had moved on from him.
"u ok?"
Riki stared at it, then typed.
"idk."
A minute passed.
"same."
Another.
"can i come over?"
Riki didn't answer, but ten minutes later he heard the gate creak open.
He looked over his shoulder, half expecting it to just be his mom. It was Jungwon.
Jungwon sat next to him on the steps, like no time had passed. He didn’t say hi. He didn’t say anything. Just pulled the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands and leaned his chin on his knees.
They sat like that for a long time.
“You know what I hate?” Riki finally said.
Jungwon didn’t look over. “What?”
“I keep thinking that... maybe if I just never met you, I’d be okay now.”
Jungwon didn’t flinch. He just nodded.
“Me too.”
The words hit Riki like a punch. Not because they were mean. But because they were true.
“But then I think,” Jungwon went on, voice thinner now, “maybe I’d be dead.”
Riki shut his eyes. The wind picked up, just a little. It smelled like summer trying to push in too early.
“I don’t wanna need you,” Riki mumbled.
“I don’t think needing someone is bad.”
“It is when you’re broken.”
“Then I’m broken too.”
That shut him up.
They sat there a little longer. The sky was starting to open up, clouds peeling back slow like scabs. The sun came in patches—barely warm. Like it didn’t want to commit.
“I heard that song again,” Riki said suddenly.
Jungwon looked over.
“That Lana one. The butterfly one.”
Jungwon smiled faintly. “I like that one.”
“Me too. But it makes me feel fucked up.”
Jungwon chuckled, "I think that's the point of listening to her music." He reached over and touched the keychain on Riki’s belt loop. Just touched it, not even pulling it. “I think we’re like that,” he said.
Riki nodded, then looked at him, really looked. His face in this light, under this weather—it looked like an old photograph. Faded at the edges.
“I still feel like I’m in the closet,” Riki whispered.
“I know.”
Riki’s eyes burned.
“But,” Jungwon added, “at least I’m not alone in there.”
He pulled out a folded piece of paper from his hoodie. Riki furrowed his brow.
“What’s that?”
Jungwon handed it to him. “Open it.”
It was a drawing. Messy, scratched out in black pen. A cartoon turtle. But it had Mimikyu’s eyes. And in its little hand, it was holding a key.
Riki didn’t say anything.
“You always say you’re the broken one,” Jungwon said. “But you’ve been carrying this. The whole time. And you didn’t even notice.”
Riki blinked hard. He folded the paper back up, gently. Slipped it into his pocket.
“You’re so stupid,” he mumbled, voice shaking.
Jungwon smiled, soft. “I know.”
Riki leaned his head against Jungwon’s shoulder. Just barely. The way butterflies land on fingers—hesitant, trembling.
They stayed like that until the sky cleared.
Riki didn’t move. Not even when his neck started to ache, not even when the warmth from Jungwon’s shoulder started to fade. He only shifted when Jungwon did.
“I should go home soon,” Jungwon said.
Riki nodded. “Okay.”
But neither of them stood up.
Jungwon tugged at a loose string on his hoodie. “You mad at me?”
“No.”
“You didn’t answer yesterday.”
“You didn’t text me.”
“I didn’t know if I should.”
“You always should.”
That came out sharper than Riki meant. Jungwon didn’t react. He just nodded.
“I couldn’t go back there,” he said. “To the school.”
“I figured,” Jungwon said. “It was weird without you.”
Riki looked over. “You went?”
Jungwon laughed, bitter. “Yeah.”
“Oh.”
The silence fell again, soft and shapeless. Riki let it live for a minute before he broke it.
Jungwon reached over, his pinky brushing against Riki’s.
"I don't... I don't know how to stop running, Jungwon," Riki's voice was softer than Jungwon had ever heard it before. Like he was so close to crying.
A raindrop landed on Jungwon's cheek. “You don’t have to stop. Just let someone run next to you.”
It was quiet for a second.
“You?” Riki asked, barely audible.
“Always me.”
Riki didn’t say anything. But he curled his pinky around Jungwon’s.
They didn’t talk for a while after that. The breeze picked up. The rain smell was gone, replaced by cut grass and something faintly floral. A neighbor’s wind chime clicked, once, then stayed still.
“Wanna stay over again?” Riki asked.
Jungwon smiled. “Yeah."
That night, they didn’t kiss.
They brushed shoulders on the couch while playing a dumb two-player game. They watched a movie with the volume low. Riki’s mom said goodnight and didn’t ask questions. Jungwon changed into borrowed clothes—Riki’s, oversized on him—and crawled into the same blanket fort they’d accidentally built during one of their worse nights.
Riki lay awake, staring at the ceiling, thinking about all the versions of himself that had existed in that same room.
“I feel weird,” he said.
Jungwon was still half-asleep. “Weird good or weird bad?”
“Both.” Jungwon turned toward him. “You can feel both.”
“I know.”
Jungwon reached for his hand under the blanket.
They didn’t say anything else.
They just fell asleep holding hands.
Like it was a way to remember they were still here.
Riki heard Jungwon talking about a beach in his sleep.
He wrote down everything he said, in the back on a book he was never going to read again. Jungwon wanted to go to the beach, like when he was a kid. He wanted Riki to come, wanted to run on the sand.
Riki was determined to make it happen.
It wasn’t even a real plan.
Riki just said, “we should go somewhere,” that morning, laying on the floor while Jungwon was still half asleep, eating dry cereal straight out of the box.
And Jungwon, like always, said “okay.”
So the next morning, they packed a bag each. Riki made a playlist. Jungwon brought water bottles and a box of strawberry Pocky. They didn’t tell anyone where they were going. It wasn’t even far. The beach was only, probably, an hour away.
They didn’t talk much on the drive.
Riki watched the trees blur past like they were trying to outrun him. Jungwon drove with one hand on the wheel and the other in his hoodie pocket. The wind came through the cracked window, warm and lazy.
Riki kept catching himself staring at Jungwon’s hand.
He wanted to hold it.
He did.
The beach was smaller than he imagined. Not crowded. A little gray. The sand felt cool even in the sun, and the water was the color of dull glass.
Jungwon kicked his shoes off first. Ran toward the edge like he was five again. Riki followed slower, watching him.
They didn’t swim. Just walked up and down the shore, throwing shells back into the ocean like they meant something.
For a while, it felt okay. Light, even. Like they were getting close to something soft.
Until Jungwon said, “I'm thinking about going to college up here."
Riki stiffened.
They were still walking, slow, but his steps got heavier. Like the sand turned into something deeper.
“Oh,” he said. It was the only thing he could think of.
Jungwon glanced at him, then back at the ocean. “It’s quiet. And there’s this little campus, not big. But I could... breathe here, I think.”
Riki didn’t answer.
He bent down, picked up a broken shell, and chucked it hard into the water. It sank without a splash.
“I thought we were just going to the beach,” Riki said, too flat. “Not scouting your escape.”
Jungwon stopped walking.
Riki didn’t. Not right away.
“You think that’s what I’m doing?” Jungwon called after him. “Escaping?”
Riki turned back, slow. “Isn’t it?”
“I thought you’d be happy for me.”
“Happy?” Riki laughed, but it didn’t sound like one. “You want me to be happy that you’re moving away?”
“It’s not far.”
“Far enough to leave me behind.”
Jungwon’s expression cracked. Just slightly.
“I’m not leaving you,” he said. “I’m just—trying to build something.”
“Without me?”
“You could come too.”
Riki stared at him. “You say that like it’s easy. Like I can just... follow you like some lost puppy.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“No, but it’s what you do. You always mean well, right?”
The silence hit hard. Not windchime-soft this time. Just empty.
“I wrote it down,” Riki said suddenly. His voice broke on it. “What you said in your sleep. About wanting to come here. To run on the sand.”
Jungwon’s breath caught.
“I made it happen for you,” Riki whispered. “And now you’re telling me you want to leave.”
“I’m not leaving you,” Jungwon repeated, but softer this time. “I’m trying to make a future. For me. For us, even.”
Riki’s fists were clenched. His throat burned.
“You don’t get to say us when you’re planning a future I don’t even exist in.”
Jungwon’s voice rose then, for the first time in months. “Then tell me what you want, Riki! You never say anything. You just react. You push me away and pull me back and I follow you around like I’m waiting to be told how to love you!”
Riki stepped back. Like it hurt.
“I didn’t ask you to love me.”
“But I do!” Jungwon shouted. “I do, Riki, and you know it. And every time you act like it’s some inconvenience, it feels like I’m bleeding in front of you and you’re just watching it happen.”
Riki looked down. Sand clung to his shoes. His hands were shaking.
“I don’t know how to love you back.”
That was the softest thing he’d ever said. Maybe the most honest.
Jungwon didn’t say anything.
He just walked past Riki, up toward the parking lot. His shoulders were stiff. He didn’t look back.
Riki stayed there. Long enough that the tide came in and soaked his shoes. He didn’t move.
When he finally made it back to the car, Jungwon was sitting on the hood, knees pulled to his chest. His eyes were red. He wasn’t crying, but he looked like he had been.
“I’m sorry,” Riki said. It came out cracked.
Jungwon didn’t answer.
“I just—I get scared,” Riki tried again. “And when I’m scared, I get mean.”
“I know.”
They sat in silence again. Not the soft kind. But not angry either. Just... heavy.
Jungwon broke it this time. “Do you wanna find a motel?”
Riki nodded.
They got in the car, and this time, Riki didn’t look at Jungwon’s hand.
He just clenched his own, hard, in his lap.
The motel looked like it hadn’t been touched since 1997.
Faded sign with half the letters burnt out, blinking “OTEL” like it couldn’t finish its own name. The parking lot was mostly gravel, dotted with weedy cracks and tire grooves. The air smelled like salt and car exhaust.
Jungwon parked without saying anything. Riki didn’t unbuckle for a full minute.
They stepped into the tiny lobby. It had a buzzing soda machine, a rack of local brochures no one ever picked up, and a bowl of peppermints that looked like they’d been there since Christmas. The woman behind the counter didn’t ask questions. Just looked at them, then at the clock, then slid a key across the counter like she was used to this.
“One queen bed,” she said. “Checkout’s at ten.”
Jungwon took the key. Riki didn’t look up.
The hallway to their room was dim. The light flickered when they walked under it. Room 106 was near the end. The door stuck when Jungwon pushed it open, like even it didn’t want them there.
Inside, the room was small. Cold. The kind of generic that made it feel lonelier.
The bed was smaller looking than a queen, with a weird muted yellow comforter. There was one tiny square window, a remote duct-taped to the nightstand.
They dropped their bags in silence.
Jungwon sat down on the edge of the bed, rubbing his face with both hands.
Riki stood in the doorway for a second longer.
Then he shut the door behind him.
It clicked louder than it should’ve.
He didn't sit next to Jungwon like he normally would have. He was tiptoeing around him because he knew the things he said couldn't be unsaid. The things Jungwon said couldn't be unheard.
Riki stared at him until he thought of something to say. And then he didn't say it. He scrunched up his face and walked towards the bathroom. He didn't tell Jungwon he was about to take a shower, he would figure it out by the sound of the water.
When Riki got out, Jungwon was standing by the window, looking out it.
"I can still see the beach," he muttered, quietly.
"If you really wanna go to college, just go," Riki said, loud. Too quick.
Jungwon didn't react, like he had expected that from Riki.
"You wouldn't come with me, would you?" he asked instead.
"I-"
"You said you would if I did," Jungwon looked over at him, cutting him off.
Riki looked at him blankly, internally confused.
"At the graduation, you said you would be there, because I wanted you to be there. You weren't."
"I got scared."
Jungwon looked him in the eye. "You said that," he repeated, "and I believed you."
“I don’t know what I’m doing tomorrow,” Riki said flatly. “Don’t ask me about next year.”
Jungwon’s face shifted. Just a flicker. “If I go to college, you won't come with me. You'll just forget about me."
Riki hated how resigned he sounded.
"I didn't say any of that."
"You're saying it by not saying anything."
Riki bit his tongue.
“I don’t want this to turn into something,” Riki muttered.
“It already is.”
Riki turned, eyes narrowed. “Why do you always do that?”
“Do what?”
“Make everything mean more than it does.”
Jungwon blinked. “Are you serious?”
“You talk like we’re in some kind of movie. Like just because we were in that closet together, now we’re—what, forever tied together?”
“Are we not?” Jungwon asked, quieter.
“No. We’re just two people who survived the same thing.”
Riki regretted it the second it left his mouth.
Jungwon didn’t say anything.
He just turned around and looked back out the window.
Riki sat down on the bed, too mad to fix his mistakes. His stomach felt tight, like he could throw up at any moment.
He didn't know anything, anything at all. He didn't even exist. He died in that closet, and Jungwon didn't.
“I’m sorry,” Riki said. “I didn’t mean it.”
Jungwon didn’t look over. “I wish you’d stop doing that.”
“What?”
“Hurting me when you’re scared.”
Riki looked at the bedsheet.
"I don't know how to be close to people, Won. I said that already."
“You’re already close to me,” Jungwon said. “You just won’t admit it.”
“I don’t know what we are.”'
“You don’t have to.”
Another beat.
“Do you want to leave?” Riki asked instead of genuinely responding.
"No," Jungwon said, sitting on the bed next to him, but as far as he could be from him. "I want to stay."
“Next year feels really far away,” he said.
Jungwon didn’t say anything.
Riki looked over after a while to see if Jungwon was still awake.
“I love you too,” Riki said, finally.
Jungwon didn’t move.
“But it scares the shit out of me.”
Still no response.
“I love you so much it feels like I’m about to die every time you walk away from me.”
Jungwon looked over. His face was unreadable. Eyes red.
"Really?"
Riki leaned back, rolled over to face him. "Yeah."
Jungwon shut his eyes tight, Riki watched tears seep out.
He didn't wipe them; he didn't deserve to.
"I love you, Jungwon."
Before Riki had time to process, Jungwon was straddling his waist. Kissing him like they hadn't in a while. Because they hadn't. Jungwon's knee went between Riki's legs, and Riki didn't feel ready. Would he ever?
"Jungwon."
Jungwon pulled away, looked at him. "Riki."
Riki smiled, "I really am sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry."
Jungwon nodded, like he knew. "I know."
Riki didn't know why it was so easy to apologize to Jungwon, maybe because he really did love him. Maybe because he didn't have anyone else, and losing Jungwon too would probably, actually end his life.
Either way, he pulled him back down to kiss him again. Jungwon moaned against Riki's mouth, he didn't know what to do.
"I can't have sex with you," he said, dumbly.
"I know," Jungwon replied.
"How do you know?"
"Because you aren't ready," Jungwon said it like it was obvious. "I know you Riki, when it's too much, you'll push me away."
Riki wasn't too sure he would.
Riki felt Jungwon pressing against his thigh, he didn't fight him. He felt him moving until he stopped, a quiet moan biting past his teeth. Riki didn't move.
"I'm sorry," Jungwon murmured.
"Don't apologize for that, like you said, I would have pushed you away."
Riki didn't talk about how his stomach felt even tighter.
He watched Jungwon go to the bathroom, he didn't think about what he was doing in there.
He rolled over onto his side, pretending to be asleep so Jungwon would think he was when he came back.
Jungwon slid into the bed easily, like they always did back home. He wrapped his arms around Riki's waist and went to sleep too.
When he wakes up, the shower is running. He sits up slowly, the room was too bright. It wasn't like back at home, where he practically lived in a cave.
He checked his phone for the time, noon. His mom texted him twice, first asking if he was okay, then asking him he was running away with Jungwon.
Riki laughed at how bizarre it looked written out, he hadn't even thought of that.
It was ridiculous. He wouldn't do that even if he wanted to.
He texted her, "im fine, don't go crazy bc im not home for a couple days. what r u gonna do when i move out??"
He tacked a few emojis onto it, so it didn't feel so harsh. He was tired of being mean to people who didn't deserve it. It was the bare minimum, but it was something.
Jungwon left the bathroom with a trail of steam following him. His hair was wet, and his chest was too. The towel wrapped around his waist was tight, like Jungwon could trust it wouldn't fall off.
"I saved you some hot water," Jungwon said, pulling his clothes on despite still being damp.
"I showered last night," Riki muttered. He contemplated showing Jungwon the texts from his mom but decided against possibly putting ideas into his head.
"So you've been looking at colleges, or just the one?"
Jungwon looked at him, "just the one."
"What's special about it?"
"It's the closest one to you."
"Me?"
"Yeah, you," Jungwon picked up a mocking tone, kicking Riki's leg open with his so he could stand in between them.
Riki hadn't noticed Jungwon get that close. Riki laughed, awkwardly, looking up at Jungwon.
"We talked about it last night," Jungwon said, carding his hands through Riki's hair.
"I know."
Jungwon leaned down, ghosted a kiss against Riki's cheek. It felt like resignation. Riki let it simmer.
It was only when they got back to Riki's house that he realized he'd forgotten the turtle on the nightstand.
He didn't freak out, or even tell Jungwon.
His mom sent Jungwon home with tupperware full of food for his family. She wrote "For Riki's Boyfriend" on it. He didn't correct her.
Jungwon texted Riki every day, but he didn't come around as much. He was preparing to go to that college. Riki wasn't expecting it to be so soon.
They didn't talk much the night before.
Jungwon was leaving in the morning, the car was already packed.
Riki came to his house. Jungwon told him his mom wasn't gonna be home till the next day, but that didn't matter to Riki.
It was just them in Jungwon's room.
Riki sat cross legged, staring at the wall. "Are you nervous?"
"A little," Jungwon said. "Not about school though."
"Then what?" Riki looked at him.
Jungwon shrugged. "Leaving."
Riki didn't respond.
After a while, Jungwon crawled across the bed, settling beside him. They sat there like that, shoulder to shoulder, until it wasn't anymore.
Until it was kissing. Slow, slow enough to feel it sink into their skin.
Jungwon pulled away once, "we don't have to-"
Riki kissed the edge of his mouth, "I know. I want to."
And then it happened. Not fast, not loud. Not even dramatic. Something that was always coming. Something soft, folded in the dark. Riki's hands shook, Jungwon held them.
After, they didn't speak. Riki rested his head on Jungwon's chest. Jungwon brushed his fingers through his hair, gentle.
"Don't forget me," Riki whispered, almost asleep.
Jungwon didn't answer right away. "Never."
The next morning, Riki regretted ever staying. Not because he regretted it for real, but because he had to watch him leave.
Riki cried before Jungwon even woke up, that was when he contemplated just leaving. He couldn't.
Jungwon hugged him for what felt like an hour, long enough for him to start crying too. Riki whispered that he loved him like it would make him change his mind.
He knew it wouldn't, so why did it hurt when it didn't?
Eventually, Jungwon had to get in the car. Riki blurred it all together, can't - won't - remember all the details. They never said goodbye to each other.
A week passes, then a month. Jungwon sent Riki pictures of his dorm, sent him projects he was already working on. Riki sent him nothing, because he wasn't doing anything new. He just texted him back.
Jungwon asked Riki when he was going to come see his dorm, come see him.
Riki said he would come the next day.
Riki leaned against the cold metal of the bus stop bench, chewing the inside of his cheek. The campus spread out behind him like a town that didn't want him in it.
Jungwon jogged up from across the street. He had a scarf around his neck; his cheeks were flushed. He looked older already.
"Hey," he said, smiling.
Riki shrugged one shoulder, "You look like a student."
Jungwon laughed, "I am one."
"I know," Riki looked down at his own shoes. He didn't look like he belonged here.
They didn't hug, just fell into step.
Jungwon's dorm was small but clean. Two beds, one desk. There was a polaroid of Riki pinned to the wall on Jungwon's side. Riki stared at it longer than he meant to.
"My roommate's gone for the weekend," Jungwon said. "You want water, or anything?"
Riki shook his head. "I'm good."
They sat on the bed, kind of facing each other, knees barely touching. Riki scanned the walls like they might say something to him. He hated how nice it was. The windows opened easily, the heat worked. Everything looked like it came with instructions.
"Do you like it here?" He asked finally.
Jungwon looked at him, "think so."
Riki nodded, "Yeah. You seem like you do."
They didn't kiss that night. They stayed up late. They played a video game with the sound off. Riki fell asleep halfway through, head against the wall, while Jungwon sat on the floor, sketching something he never showed.
When Riki woke up, Jungwon was gone. Just for coffee, but still. The room felt colder without him.
There was a note on the table. "Thanks for coming. It means more than I know how to say."
Riki folded it up and put it in his pocket.
Riki left before Jungwon got back.
Jungwon started answering texts slower.
He still sent them—but he didn’t double text anymore.
The calls got shorter. The “i love you"s got softer.
Not fake. Not absent. Just… less. Like someone trying not to wake a sleeping dog.
Riki pretends not to notice.
Riki thinks about texting a lot.
Sometimes he did.
Sometimes he didn’t.
One night, Jungwon didn’t answer at all.
Another night, he said, "I'll call you tonight," and then didn't.
Riki waited.
Midnight hit.
1 AM.
And then another night, they're on the phone. Riki's lying on the floor, tangled in the blanket he hadn't washed in too long.
Jungwon said something dumb. Riki didn't laugh.
Jungwon noticed.
Neither of them said anything about it.
Then they do talk.
It wasn't a fight.
It's worse. It's gentle.
"I think we're getting weird," Riki said, not looking at the screen.
"Yeah," Jungwon whispered. "We are."
And that was it.
No screaming. No breakup. Just acknowledgment.
Just the moment before the static settles.
They don't text for days after. Riki checks his instagram every day, he doesn't post. It's like Jungwon didn't exist.
It felt like that for Riki.
He opened their messages, typed out a sentence.
“i keep hearing your voice at night but i think it’s just the quiet being mean.”
Jungwon didn't reply.
Not after a day, or a week. Not after a month.
The ringing in Riki's ears never stopped.