Archive of Our Own

State of Consciousness

Blinding white light was the last thing Sam saw as his body crumpled to the ground beneath him. His mind was still functioning perfectly but for some reason his body was not responding to the commands that he was sending for it to get up off the ground. He could feel the pain in his shoulder as it hit the ground and the dirt beneath his face as he lay there but nothing was moving, no matter how much he willed it to.

“Saaamm!” He heard in his brother’s terrified yell which actually comforted the younger man. Dean was coming, he’d fix whatever this was. His brother could be many things, a lot of them irritating, but he was the one person in the whole world who never let Sam down.

Sam heard a couple shots fired from somewhere close to him, then the crunch of broken twigs as someone, presumably Dean, quickly approached. Then it was hands on his body as the person checked him over, touching here and there, prying his eyes open, which gave Sam a bleary glimpse of his brother’s face, before snapping closed again.

“Dad, its Sammy!” Dean yelled, the fear not quite as strong in his voice this time, but still present.

More movement and leaves crunching on the other side of his prone body, then new hands all over him, checking him over just like Dean had moments before.

“Fuck.” His father muttered as he also pried Sam’s eyes open for just a moment before letting them close again.

“What was that thing Dad? What’d it do to Sam?” He heard his brother asking with a catch of fear still strong in his voice.

“Don’t know son. Here, lets get him up and you can take him back to the room while I track it, see if I can figure out where it went.”

Sam heard a strangled noise from his brother and knew Dean would be caught between wanting to take care of Sam but also not wanting to leave their father alone to deal with whatever was out there on his own. If Sam had been taken down with all three of them on guard what could it do to just their dad?

Expecting Dean to argue, to want to follow John, Sam was actually a little surprised when his only response was a ‘Yes Sir’ before Sam felt himself being lifted so that Dean could get him up on his shoulder in a fireman’s carry. It wasn’t that Sam didn’t know his brother loved him and was a shade over protective at times, okay a lot overprotective all the time, but still this was Dad at risk here and Dean worshiped the man. It was, as far as Sam was concerned, his brother’s biggest character flaw; that he overlooked all the shit John put them through and idolized him to the point he’d turned himself into Daddy’s perfect little soldier.

Like, Sam loved their father but he saw him for the man he was, flaws and all. Okay, maybe he tended to dwell on the man’s flaws more than his good points but someone had to balance out Dean’s insistence that the man was perfect and always right. Their father was really the only major issue Sam and Dean had ever really had between them that they couldn’t resolve, even to this day. It was only a couple months before that they had even parted ways for a couple days because of their John issues. Of course, that had been a major mistake that almost ended with Dean sacrificed to a pagan God so Sam was eternally grateful that he’d followed his gut and gone after his brother. He’d learned an important lesson too, that Dean came first. Yes, his need to avenge Jessica was still very important to him, but not more important than his brother.

“Damn you’ve gotten heavy you sasquatch.” Dean grunted as he trudged through the bush back towards where they had left the impala and their father’s truck.

Sam wished he could snark back but nothing happened as he again tried to open his mouth and speak. Frustration boiled under his skin as he put every bit of will power he had behind the need to move his body in some way. Anything, even a toe curl would do at this point but nothing so much as twitched.

They weren’t even supposed to be here and it was just Sam’s bad luck they fell into this hunt just days after their encounter with vampires. Sam felt the need to snort at that word (but of course he couldn’t). He was still shocked, or maybe he was in awe at the fact that vampires were actually real. Dad had explained they were thought to be extinct but still, Sam would have thought it would have come up at some point in their lives that they were real and had existed. Like maybe while they had all watched Nosferatu or Dracula or even the Lost Boys you would think John would have spoken up, but no, not their tight lipped, secretive father. That would be too much like actually talking to his kids instead of just giving orders that were to be followed.

Sam could feel Dean straining beneath him and wished he could do something to lighten his brother’s load (or maybe walk his own fucking self over to the car) but alas he just had to suck it up and unfortunately, so did Dean as he trudged along the path they had followed into the woods. “You know Sam, when you wake up you really need to go on a diet, like how the fuck much do you weigh. Not like you’re fat, actually you’re kinda too skinny these days. I worry about how little you’ve been eating since Jessica. Well, you know… Okay, anyway, not saying you’re not perfect or anything but like did you have to grow to such a gigantic size that you weight a fuck ton?” Dean was rambling and Sam could hear the nervous edge to his voice.

The older brother had to be freaking out on the inside that he didn’t immediately know what was wrong with Sam so that he could fix it. Sam knew if the situation was reversed he’d feel the same way. So yeah, he figured he knew exactly what was going on in his brother’s head. “We also gotta have a talk about your listening skills kid. I distinctly remember telling you to stay the fuck behind me. Yet where were you when that thing got you, not behind me where you were supposed to be.”

Sam wished he could roll his eyes. In the last year of hunting with his brother Sam had come a long way in picking back up where he’d left off before going off to school, and Dean had learned to trust him more in the field. Unfortunately, it had taken a shot gun blast of rock salt to the chest for Dean to understand Sam was done with just following orders but they had worked on it and these days Dean made an effort to treat Sam more like his partner than his kid brother. But that was before their father showed up and somehow things had reverted back to status quo. Except… well except Dean had stood up for Sam. In the middle of the vampire hunt, when Sam was arguing with their father (or John was arguing with Sam, again) Dean had taken Sam’s side. That little reminder caused warmth to spread in his chest just as it had when the incident happened.

Dean stumbled under the weight and Sam’s stomach plunged thinking he was going to be dropped but then he felt his brother right himself and continue on. “Fucking kid. If you would just listen and stay where the hell I tell you to I wouldn’t have to drag your sorry ass back to the car myself. I swear Sam…” His voice trailed off but Sam understood that his brother was just venting his frustration. He just wished so hard he could let Dean know he was sort of okay. Well he couldn’t move, but he was still here inside his head so that had to mean something good, right?

“Oof, finally.” Dean grunted as Sam felt his steps grow faster and more sure. The squeak of the impala door sounded extra loud in the quit of the still night. Whatever that creature was it had scared off all the other animals in the area it seemed because they hadn’t heard any other sounds except the buzzing of a few insects since they parked here hours ago.

Feeling himself being laid out on the back seat, Sam could just barely catch the hint of leather and tried to take a deeper breath of the scent of home. But just like everything else he’d tried in the last half hour nothing changed. He was completely unable to even draw in a deep breath, everything stayed exactly as is and the elusive scent that would bring the calming comfort of years spent in this very seat, curled up with his brother trying to sleep as their dad drove through the night to some new town or hunt, faint.

“Okay Sammy, gotta fold you up some to fit you in since you’re 10 feet tall now. Are you cold, its not cold out but you could be, do you need a blanket? What the hell am I saying, fuck, like you can hear me or anything. God I’m a moron sometimes.” Dean was rambling again but Sam felt the scratch of the old camp blanket as it was spread out over him.

Sam wanted to argue with his brother that he was anything but a moron and that yes, he could hear everything Dean was saying, and his frustration grew that he couldn’t. He’d give anything to be able to reach out and comfort the other man right now.

Dean didn’t say anything for a while after that and Sam really wished he would. It was quiet in the car as it sped through the night. Usually, Dean would have one of his cassette tapes in and cranked up on some old classic rock song or he’d have the radio cranked to a mullet rock station; but he’d shut it off as soon as he’d started the car, like Dean couldn’t bear to hear it while he worried over his brother. As if he was maybe straining to hear some sort of movement or noise from the younger man laying frozen in the back seat.

Sam knew that the crappy motel they were staying at just off I95 was only about a forty-minute drive from the woods they’d tracked that thing to but it felt like hours as he lay there unmoving, unable to communicate and frustrated as hell. He tried to focus on Dean to picture what he was doing by the sounds he could thankfully still hear and just from the thousands of memories he had of his brother driving. He heard the scrape of dry skin on skin and the rasp of stubble as Sam pictured his brother dragging his hand over his face as he did when stressed and at a loss. He heard the bunch of fabric as Dean’s arms moved just before he felt the car turn a corner and he felt the worry emanating from the other man in his stuttered breaths and jerky movements of the car beneath him. His brother was way too smooth handling this car in every situation imaginable, except when Sam was hurt then it was jerky and much a rougher ride.

Finally, the sounds of other cars started to appear and increase as they hit civilization. Traffic was still extremely light with it being so late but there were still people out, truckers on the highway that they finally crossed and then, as the car slowed down, Sam knew they were back.

The doors creaked again and then Dean’s hands were on him, removing the blanket and pulling him into a sitting position so that Dean could get his shoulder under him to lift. Sam felt his back hit the top of the door frame, which hurt like a bitch. Dean threw a ‘sorry’ out then chuckled like he knew it was ridiculous to apologize to an unconscious guy.

“Shit” Dean groaned as Sam’s full weight hit him again. “Did you manage to get even heavier as we drove? Fuck Sam.” He grumbled while stumbling to the door of their room. Sam felt his brother adjusting his stance and shifting under him as he dug for his room key and let out a few more curses before Sam heard the door finally swing inwards. Sam’s stomach gave a whoop as he was dumped off Dean’s shoulder and he literally bounced on the mattress below. Dean then manhandled him until he was laying properly on the bed with the pillow under his head and his hands crossed on his chest. “Oh shit, that just looks like you’re in a coffin or something.” Dean muttered as he grabbed Sam’s hands and lay them straight out beside his body. “Better I guess. Man, I wish you’d wake up bro, this sucks.”

‘Yeah, no shit.’ Sam thought to himself.

“Don’t laugh, but I miss the sound of that girly voice of yours bitching at me constantly.” If he could he’d so shoot his brother one of those looks that Dean had termed his ‘bitchface’. “Dude, this is like really freaking me out. Fuck Sam, you gotta be okay, you hear me, you have to.” Sam felt something hit his arm and realized it was Dean. It kind of felt like Dean had lay his head down so that his forehead was resting on Sam’s arm. This was confirmed when the next words were muffled like the other man’s face was smooshed. “Please Sammy, please wake up.”

Warm fingers slid over the back of his hand and curled around to his palm while Dean squeezed and held on. “You can’t do this to me Sam. I can’t do this without you.” The words echoed in Sam’s mind as the response immediately popped into his mind but froze there, unable to come out like he wanted. ‘Yes, you can’.

“Well, I don’t want to.” Dean said, almost like he’d heard Sam’s response in his own mind.

Dean’s thumb was now rubbing the top of Sam’s hand and it was warm and comforting and all he wanted to do was squeeze that warm palm and reassure his brother. It hurt inside his chest that Dean was hurting right now. The fact that it was Sam himself that Dean was hurting over made it even worse. In Sam’s whole life his brother had always been there when he needed him. Even when he was away at school and not talking to his family he’d known if he called Dean would come, no matter what. There was no question that the older brother would drop anything and be there for Sam if asked. Lots of times when not asked as well. Sam had even almost made that call quite a few times, especially during the first year when he’d missed his brother so intensely he thought he was going crazy. But over time he’d made friends and studied so hard that he could block out the worst of it. Meeting Jess had helped.

Jessica Moore had barrelled into his life and set Sam on his ear. She had been brash and confident and had the same kind of swagger that Dean had. Hell, they even shared a birthday which was such a weird coincidence that Sam broke out in a deep belly laugh when she’d told him the date. She was hot and she knew it but she was also thoughtful and sweet and was always there for the people she cared about. She was the life of the party but also quite content to find a quiet spot and just stare at the stars while talking to Sam like he was the only person in the world. It was impossible not to fall in love with her and for the first time since he’d started at Stanford he felt like maybe he belonged there.

Unfortunately, while she had been a wonderful balm to Sam he’d been dangerous to her and she’d ended up burning on the ceiling just like his mother. The guilt from that still ate at Sam so deeply he felt like he was never going to get past it, even if he did manage to kill the demon responsible. Demon. Well it was good to finally know what the thing even was but it pissed Sam off to no end that his dad had this information for God knows how long and hadn’t told them. More John Winchester Secrets that he’d never trust with his son’s unless forced to.

“Remember that time when we were kids…” Dean’s voice pulled Sam’s thoughts away from the burning anger at his father. “I think you were six or seven, and we were hanging with those other kids at the motel of the day. They were headed to some amusement park with their parents, and you were totally jealous until I promised that someday I’d take you and we’d ride every ride at least twice. I wish I’d kept that promise… but anyway they had those skateboards and you got on to try it out after watching me take a turn. The older kid had shown me a trick that I got on my first try and you were bound and determined to do it too. I tried to say you were too young but you and your damn stubbornness refused to listen. Didn’t matter you’d never been on one before, as far as you were concerned if I could do it so could you.”

Sam heard Dean let out an amused grunt before he continued. “I was actually a little impressed at first, but then you took a spill and I’ll never forget the sound of your head hitting the pavement. It knocked you out for a couple minutes and I thought they were the longest two minutes of my life. Dad was in the room and came running at my screaming. He checked you all out and got you awake. I remember the first thing you said was ‘did I do it Dean?’. Fucking kid. I was out of my mind scared, thinking I’d killed you and all you cared about was if you’d managed to ride the damn skateboard.” There was a sardonic chuckle. “The blood, so much blood. Now I know that head wounds bleed like a bitch but back then… well anyway, I thought that two minutes was so fucking long, every second was torture, but that was nothing to this Sammy. It’s been almost two hours and nothing. I need you to wake up Sam, I NEED it. Please.” He begged and Sam could hear the tears choking him. “God, I don’t even know what happened. You were behind me, then over on the other side of the clearing, then down.”

Sam thought back, he had been behind his brother while their father was ahead of them, already moving to the other side of the clearing. Dean had gone right but something in Sam was pulling him left so he clutched his gun harder and broke off to peer into the bushes. Dad shouted something about seeing nothing and started to push into the thick brush while Dean kicked at some twigs on the ground griping that there was nothing here. But Sam’s gut was screaming at him and before he could open his mouth to call out a dark shape lunged out at him. Huge eyes, long teeth and mangy fur were all Sam saw as it was coming right at him, too close to get his gun up and fired before something wet hit his face. Then the creature just turned and bolted back into the woods. Bringing his hand up Sam tried to wipe his face but whatever it was had already dried, or sunk into his skin or whatever, because he felt nothing until his vision went white and he crumpled to the ground.

The sound of Dean’s cell ringing brought his thoughts back. The conversation was short and to the point, the other man told their dad that Sam was still unconscious and nothing had changed. He talked about how he could find no wounds or anything to explain why Sam was out and that he had him back at the motel. Then he listened for a minute to whatever John had to say, agreed then got off the phone with the sound of it snapping closed.

“Its gonna be okay Sam, Dad found the trail and thinks he’s found it’s lair. Still hasn’t gotten a good look at it, damn thing’s fucking fast. I mean, it was on you and gone before I’d even fully turned around. Man, if I could get my hands on it I’d rip it apart. Shit Sam, what if Dad kills it but doesn’t figure out how to fix you first?” The desperation and worry were clear. “Fuck!” Dean ground out angrily. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

Something hit the bed beside Sam’s arm and he could just picture his brother hitting the mattress in his anger and helplessness. Dean Winchester did not do helpless so he had to be struggling even more than Sam could hear in his voice.

“God Sam, you have no idea. No idea just how much you mean to me. I can’t, can’t ever tell you so I tease you and prank you and get mad at you like I’m supposed to but I can’t ever…” his voice trailed off into a sob and Sam’s mind was awash in the need to comfort his brother but also puzzled at Dean’s words. He knew that they had grown up in a world where a manly back slap was the extent of an ‘I love you’ or ‘glad you’re my brother’ but he had still known that his brother loved him. Neither of them said the words but it was still there, and still understood so why was Dean stressing about never having said the words?

Sam knew that their Dad loved them too, but he was a hard man and he was raising his son’s in a hard life where the only people they really had in their lives were gruff, rough and tumble, types. This resulted in the kind of mentality that made it so they didn’t talk about their feelings or tell each other how much they meant to each other; or as Dean called them, chick flick moments. Sam had learned to open up and express his feelings from Jess but at his core he still carried the lessons of his childhood. This had resulted in him trying to get his brother to open up more over the last year while he’d still held his own feelings and secret fears inside.

“I’m so sorry Sammy, I know its wrong. I would give anything not to feel like this.” Dean cried as Sam felt his head come down and rest on Sam’s chest like he was listening to the younger man’s heartbeat. “Love you so much my baby brother.” He murmured.

Confused at his brother’s words Sam’s mind spun. Why would he not want to feel that? Sam would never not want to feel his love for his brother, his hero. Growing up Dean had been his everything. His one true friend, the person he looked up to and the person who took care of him. Dean was the one who made sure Sam ate and brushed his teeth, helped him with homework, showed up at his soccor games and even came to see the play he was in when he was in high school. Dean stitched him up after hunts gone wrong and soothed him after his nightmares. Dean was the one that made him feel safe and loved for as long as Sam could remember and no one would ever mean as much to Sam as Dean did, that was a given.

Of course, he was also the biggest pain in the ass ever made and loved to do anything he thought might irritate Sam. Weather it was chewing with his mouth open on purpose when Sam was trying to talk to him or using Sam’s laptop for porn no matter how many times he asked the jerk not to. He was also highly competitive and would turn anything into a competition between them if he thought he could win. He also had these terrible pick-up lines that Sam couldn’t believe actually worked and girls fell for. Not that he didn’t know, thanks to Dean’s overly explicit recounting, that those girls walked away quite happy.

Dean left his stinky socks in the sink, wet towels on the floor and loved to rub Sam’s face in his armpit when they wrestled. He was the epitome of jerky older brother. Except then he turned around and would hit Sam with this dopy smile and do something so sweet and wonderful Sam just couldn’t be mad anymore, which was the most annoying part.

“Ever since you were sixteen I promised myself you’d never know.” Dean whispered quietly but Sam still heard it. Sixteen? Sam was confused as hell, so for six years Dean’s been promising not to tell his brother he loves him? That made no sense whatsoever. When Dean dropped him off at the bus stop when he left for Stanford he’d even broke down and used the words, saying “Love you Sammy, don’t go getting yourself too smart, I want you to at least try going to some parties and stuff. You never know, you might actually have some fun.” While he smirked, then pulled Sam into a tight hug and let him go with one of those shoulder pats they relied on.

“God it was such a shock when you shot up and suddenly I had to look up to you. I mean, you were my baby brother you were supposed to be smaller, you know?” Dean’s head lifted off Sam’s chest and he felt his brother’s hand slide back into his own. That summer you got a part time job on that farm and your skin all turned brown in the sun and your hair was all wild around your face all the time; like you never styled it, just ran your finger through it constantly. And those big eyes of yours that are always changing colour, like I could just sit and watch them for hours. Do you have any idea how expressive they are?” Dean chuckled again. “Always used to tell me exactly what you were thinking. They’re harder now, not as easy to read. Too much pain in them which kills me that I can never make it better for you. I’d do anything Sam, anything. If I could give you back your happiness, give you back Jess… even though I was jealous as hell of her. She got you in a way I never will and I hated her for it but I swear if I could I would trade myself for her to make you happy again.”

If Sam had thought he was confused before it was nothing to now. His chest felt ripped open at his brother’s heartfelt words. That Dean would trade himself for anybody was just wrong on every level imaginable. Yes Sam wanted Jess back but never at the expense of his big brother. Hell Sam would trade everyone he knows for Dean. So, what could Dean possibly be jealous of Jess for?

“I still remember the day. Fuck I wish I didn’t. End of summer, we’d just moved into that dump in Kentucky, but it was close to a lake and we headed out for a swim since it was so blistering hot. I think we spent like an hour splashing around and dunking each other, just having fun, then I got out while you swam some more. I remember the late afternoon sun hitting the water and blinding me for a minute but then there you were, rising up and blocking the light which haloed around you. Your skin was glistening with the water sliding off and you flung your head back to get your hair out of your face, then looked back at me with this look of joy on your face and it was the closest I have ever come to believing in God. The image is still so clear in my mind.” Dean squeezed his hand again as Sam pictured the moment Dean was describing. He remembered that day and how much fun they’d had. They hadn’t had much time together that summer with Sam working part time and Dean hunting with their father most of the summer so just having a day with his brother’s whole attention focused on him had been heaven.

“Of course, the next minute I believed in Hell because that was surely where I was going. Who the fuck gets hard watching their brother walk out of the lake, sick freaks who’re bound for hell.” The derision and self hatred were clear and for a moment Sam desperately wanted to reach out and comfort his brother then the words sunk in. What in the actual fuck?

Had Dean, his skirt chasing, macho, big brother just said that he got hard looking at his dorky little brother? No, couldn’t have, they were brothers and that was just sick. No way was the coolest, most awesome person Sam had ever known that kind of fucked up. Yeah it might explain a few things, like his unwarranted self hatred, but it was also impossible. First, Dean was straight and last time he’d checked Sam still had man parts. Second, THEY WERE FUCKING BROTHERS!!

Sam desperately wanted to wrench his hand away from his brother’s grip, jump off the bed and demand an explanation. One that involved the words ‘I was just pulling your leg to see if it would wake you up’. Although that would be a really fucked up way to do it. Also, Dean was completely unaware that Sam could hear everything. This just wasn’t happening. Sam was obviously hallucinating.

“But it wasn’t just that I wanted you Sam, you gotta believe that. Its more than that, I love you. Love you so much it kills me. It hurts when I’m away from you and it hurts when I’m with you. And I feel so alone all the time. Not like I could ever tell anyone.” Even with all the shock and outrage running through him Dean’s words still wounded. The pain he could hear broke his heart and made him feel sorry for the other man.

“Well except Bobby but it’s not like we talk about it or anything.” What? Bobby knew? How? Why?

“I still wonder what I did to tip the old man off but man was that one awkward conversation. I thought he’d hate me but he didn’t, said he got it, had tried to talk to dad about the way he was raising us. Something about us being too close and having no one else, but you know Dad; he never listens to anyone else when it comes to how to parent us.”

Fuck, as if Sam’s shock could get worse Dean was actually saying something kinda negative about John????? Whatever it was that was keeping him paralyzed must indeed be strong because Sam’s whole body was on fire with all this. He felt like he didn’t know his brother at all. Had he ever?

“Once Bobby knew I wasn’t ever planning to tell you I think he felt kinda bad for me. Tried even harder to get Dad to let up and give me some space but that just ended in whatever happened with the shotgun pointed at Dad and us packing up in a hurry. Haven’t seen the old codger since. So its been locked inside me all this time and sometimes I think I’m gonna go crazy with it, you know. It actually feels good saying this now, even though I know you can’t hear it. Maybe because I know you can’t. Its like I can get it off my chest but you’ll still never know.”

Sam’s chest clenched and his hurt for his brother finally overrode his shock and disgust. This was still his brother and the man was hurting, had been hurting for a long time. The energy it must take to mask this kind of secret all the time must be immense.

“Like I know you’re too good and too pure to ever feel as fucked up as I do and I’m good with that. Don’t even want to think about you suffering like I do so I’m glad you’re not. But sometimes I just wish I didn’t have to hide all the time.” Sam’s heart ached with the depth of pain and loneliness he could hear in his brother. He couldn’t imagine what it felt like to live with that kind of secret, the ones he had himself were hard enough and at least Dean knew about them now and helped carry the burden. The immense weight on his brother’s shoulders must be staggering and Sam had had no clue. No idea at all that Dean was hurting like this.

“I remember when I met Cassie, I was so lost. Ever since you’d left I was just drifting and hurting but suddenly there was someone who called me on my bullshit like you always used to. She was smart and snarky like you and had no trouble setting me straight on a few things. Sexy as hell too. For the first time since that day at the lake the pain wasn’t as bad, but I fucked that up too and she left just like you did. Things were pretty bad for a while after that. It was no wonder Dad kept sending me away but then he disappeared and I finally had a reason to see you again.” Dean paused again and Sam could hear him take a deep breath.

“You have no idea how long it took me, sitting outside your apartment. Long after the lights went out and I was still just frozen, unable to leave or open the door and come to you. I already knew from Dad’s last trip through where you lived and that you had a live-in girlfriend but seeing her there, and the way you two were, was like a punch in the gut. I mean, I was so happy for you and was glad for you but it tore at me in ways that still hurt. It just drove home that I’ll never be to you what you are to me. I will never matter as much or mean as much as some other person you could meet in the future and decide to love like that again.”

If Sam had been able he’d be crying his fucking heart out. Although he could never feel like THAT about Dean he almost wished he could just to make his brother not hurt so much. And even if he did find love again he’d still never love anyone more than Dean. It didn’t matter if it wasn’t the same kind of love it was still just as strong.

“God, I’m such a fucking girl. Sittin here pouring my stupid heart out to my unconscious brother like some wuss whose afraid their loved one won’t wake up. I know you’re going to, I know it. Feel it right here in my gut, that you’re not gone. Still here with me, right Sammy?”

“Yeah Dean, right here.’ He though as hard as he could, wishing he could make his brother feel his words.

“Don’t worry Sammy, Dads gonna fix you up as soon as he gets here and you and I’ll keep going like always. You’ll never know about this and maybe someday I can be like best man at your wedding or something and I won’t even hate it. It could happen.”

There was a rumble outside and Sam heard Dean rush to the door to let their father in. “Did you get it?”

“Yeah, got it wrapped up in a tarp in the back of the truck in case we need it. Silver bullet did it in then I decapitated it for good measure. Took a picture so we can hit the books and compare, see if we can find this thing. Called Caleb and he’s looking into it too. Figured we can hit up Paster Jim in Blue Earth if nothing shakes loose here.”

“Library doesn’t open till morning and with the size of this Podunk town I can’t see we’re gonna find anything here.” Dean all but whined.

“Here, take a look at the picture and then you start with this book and I’ll hit these other two. Don’t worry Dean we’ll find it.”

Sam listened to them work for hours but his mind was busy going over every word his brother had spoken to him, trying to figure out how he felt about all of it and what he was going to do when he woke up. Could he just pretend he was unaware the whole time or should he try and talk to his brother about all this?

Sam could feel the sun hitting his skin and figured morning had come and he must be on the bed in front of the window. The heat felt nice for a while but then began to be too intense, like he was going to burn if he didn’t move his arm. Dean had left to get food a while before and Sam could hear John mutter under his breath every so often about something that he had read but so far nothing sounded promising. It would have been faster if Sam could get up and go over there himself since he was a pretty good researcher and had already gone through the books they had on hand enough to have a working knowledge of where to find things in them.

The heat on his skin was beginning to become intrusive on his musings so he figured he was probably going to end up burnt. He didn’t burn from the sun often but it was spring and Sam hadn’t had much sun exposure yet. While his skin tone kept him from burning much it did still happen at this time of year occasionally. Thankfully the layers of shirts kept the rest of his body covered, but he’d had his sleeves rolled up on his flannel since it’d been so warm last night while he was hiking in the woods, and Dean had never straightened them down.

The door opened and Dean asked if John had found anything before Sam could hear his voice getting closer. Sam tried to think as loud as he could to move and get his brother’s attention but he remained frozen.

“Damn Sammy, getting a little red here.” Dean commented as he grabbed Sam’s hand and pulled the sleeve down, then left it resting over Sam’s chest and out of the beam of sunlight. Next Sam heard the curtains being pulled across and thankfully that broke the heat that had been warming him past what was comfortable. Sam could hear his brother’s footsteps retreat to the bathroom for a moment then return and was startled when he felt cool lotion squirted onto his over heated skin. Picking Sam’s hand back up Dean gently massaged the lotion into the skin, instantly soothing it. “There you go little brother, all better.” He mumbled quietly before his steps carried him across the room.

Sam could smell grease and figured his brother probably hit the McDonalds down the highway and was having a couple of those sausage McMuffins he liked and hashbrowns. Their dad would likely be having the pancakes and they’d both have coffee in front of them which Sam could swear he smelled. What he wouldn’t give for a sip of it right now.

More time passed and John was talking about heading over to the library when Dean’s phone rang. “Hmm, its Bobby.”

“Bobby? Why would HE be calling you right now?” John questioned.

“Hey Bobby what’s up?” Sam heard his brother ask.

“He did…. Yeah he is, we’re working on it but nothing yet… Really, it’s a what… A paralytic, like he’s paralyzed not in a coma” Dean’s voice faltered and Sam could just imagine the racing thoughts he was having right now. “Yeah sure…. That’s great Bobby, thank you, let me grab a pen…. Okay shoot... oh man, this is great… dad kept the corpse so we should be set… Yeah I’ll tell him when he wakes up and thank Caleb for me. Thanks man, we owe you.”

“This it?” Sam heard John ask as Dean snapped his phone closed.

“Yeah, thank God you saved the body. We just gotta milk some of the venom from its gums and make this potion. Bobby said it would work immediately.”

“Well get moving son.” John snapped, but there was no harshness behind it, sounded more like excitement, but that was impossible. John didn’t get excited about anything except killing the demon.

Sam listened to the other two men work around the room and prepare the potion. He was glad he wasn’t the one who’d had to milk the monster’s venom out, he knew from experience that was a shit ass job. Finally, Sam heard John say it was ready and he could feel hands on him, sitting him up against the headboard. The glass at his lips was cool but as it tipped up the liquid was not. It was quite hot in fact and Sam hoped it didn’t burn his tongue. Then it was pouring down his open throat and he had to worry about choking. His gag reflex must have been as frozen as the rest of him because it never kicked in as the thick liquid coated his mouth and throat burning its way down his esophagus.

Within seconds of the glass leaving Sam could already feel his body starting to tingle and burn, then muscles started twitching, getting more violent and jerking him around on the bed as they jumped and spasmed. His eyes flew open and he could see the room around him, the concerned faces of his brother and father as he still couldn’t control his own damn body and it continued its forceful movements.

“It’s okay Sammy, we’re here, we got ya.” Dean soothed as he held on to Sam to keep him from falling off the bed. “Just try and take slower breaths, its okay dude.”

Sam realized as his brother said it that he was almost hyperventilating as he tried to suck oxygen into his lungs under his own power, so he purposefully focused on that and tried to slow his breathing. Slow deep breaths. As his breathing slowed so did the muscle spasms and within another minute his body was barely twitching as he finally relaxed back down into the bed.

“There he is.” Dean said in that fond voice he saved only for Sam.

Sam blinked open his eyes and opened his mouth to speak but it was dry and rusty, the concoction having burned more than soothed his parched throat. “I got it, just hold on.” Dean said as he raced over to the mini fridge and grabbed a bottle of water.

Instead of giving Sam the bottle he lifted him again and held the bottle to Sam’s mouth to help him drink. The water felt divine and kicked his stomach awake so that not only did he feel the thirst but it growled with hunger, making both the other men chuckle.

“Well, if you can be that hungry you must be all right.” John laughed.

Sam felt himself blush but it had been a long time since he’d eaten. “You okay Sam?” His dad asked.

Sitting up further on the bed Sam gave a nod. “Yeah, yes sir.”

“Head feel okay, any after affects?”

“No, not anymore. I feel good, just like before that stuff hit me I guess.”

“Bobby um, he um said it was a paralytic, that true?” Sam could hear the real question in there and looked at his brother.

“Yes.” He said simply and grabbed his brother’s hand as Dean’s face went white and he jerked back as if to back away. He tried to say with his eyes that it was okay but he wasn’t sure Dean was getting the message.

“So you couldn’t move anything but were like, awake in there?” Dean clarified even though Sam could see he already knew the answer.

“Yeah. And let me tell you it really really sucks to not be in control of your own body. I was screaming at it to move in my head or for you to hear me but I was trapped in there.”

Dean was looking even more desperate and Sam was worried their dad was going to catch on any second but his stomach chose that moment to rumble again, distracting everyone.

“I should go get you food, you gotta be starving.” Dean jumped on the excuse to leave but Sam refused to let go of his arm where he gripped it tightly.

“Stay, please.” He asked, again trying to say with his eyes that he needed him.

“I’ll go get the food Dean, you stay with your brother. We should all eat lunch and rest up anyway since we’re gonna have to go burn that thing tonight before we hit the road tomorrow.

John was barely out the door and Dean had shaken off Sam’s hand and was already across the room. “So um, ah, what um, what do you remember from the ah, the attack.” He stammered out, hand rubbing the back of his neck.

“I remember everything Dean.” Sam said simply. No use trying to lie, it was probably best to just get it all out on the table anyway. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed Sam watched his brother from where he was sitting.

“Oh, um, everything everything?”

“Yes Dean, everything.”

“You didn’t, um, sleep or anything?”

“No Dean, I didn’t sleep. I heard and remember everything.”

“Oh.” Dean’s whole body deflated with that and it tore at Sam’s heart. “Are you gonna…. Tell Dad?”

“Why would I do that?”

“Don’t you want me to stay away from you?” The fear in Dean’s expression was intense.

“Dean, get over here.” Sam said full of exasperation for his idiot brother. When Dean was close enough Sam grabbed his hand and pulled him down beside him. “You’re my brother and I would never want you to stay away from me, got it?”

“But I’m gross and wrong and sick.”

“Dean you’re many things, heroic, idiotic, a pain in the ass, but you’re none of those things you said.”

Dean looked up at him, visibly shaking. “But you heard, you heard what I said.”

“Yeah I did.” Sam admitted softly.

“Then you gotta hate me now.”

“I could never hate you Dean, you’re my brother and I love you.”

“But… Sam, the way I feel about you is wrong.”

“I don’t know, maybe, I guess. I mean, I certainly wasn’t expecting it but it doesn’t change the most import thing and that’s that you’re my brother and I might not feel like that about you but I do love you more than anyone else in the world. You’ve been here for me my whole life and this last year after Jess… Dean you picked up all my broken pieces and helped me put them back together. Do you really think I’m gonna walk away from you over this?”

“Yeah.” His brother said with a hopelessness that Sam was not going to take.

“Well then you’re an idiot.” He replied with a grin and saw Dean’s expression finally crack. Something shifted behind his eyes and then the corner of his mouth lifted.

“So it doesn’t like, freak you out that I think you got a great ass?”

“Considering it is a great ass, not so much.” Sam laughed and Dean pushed him in the shoulder.

“Not nearly as great as mine though. Just don’t forget which of us is the better-looking brother.”

“As if you’d ever let me.” Sam laughed again.

“So, we’re good?”

“Yeah Dean, we’re good.”

Dean beamed his million-watt smile at him and Sam felt warm all over. Nothing beat that look on his brother’s face and the relief he could see behind the other man’s eyes.

“So tell me everything, what was it like?” Dean said as he got comfortable on the bed. They spent the next 20 minutes going over it all before John got back with lunch and Sam dug in with a gusto he hadn’t felt in a long time. Hell, he hadn’t felt this content since… well since before Jess died. It was on the hunt with the woman in white, laughing with Dean after his stupid comment about killing Sam if he’d mucked up the car. Sam could remember snorting and the feeling that had come over him, just this joy and gratitude he hadn’t felt in years. He was so in that moment, at peace within himself, and in harmony with his brother that for one moment he’d considered just chucking everything and going with Dean. Then as they drove away his logical mind reminded him of all the work he’d put in at school and of Jess waiting for him at home and he made the decision to go back; but it had been there in his mind that he hadn’t felt that alive and happy in years. Maybe he was as fucked up as his brother. Not in that way of course… he wasn’t… he didn’t want to, not like that.

But as he looked up from his food and found Dean watching him he couldn’t help the flush he felt or the warmth in his gut.

After they finished eating John told them they all needed to get some sleep so the older man left for his own room and Dean set about getting their room ready to sleep. Pouring salt lines, putting his gun under his pillow and taking his blanket and covering the curtains to make the room a little darker. Sam slipped off his jeans and got under the covers over on his own bed which was the one furthest from the door. Dean was adamant about their sleeping arrangements and Sam had stopped fighting it a long time ago.

Sleep came easy since he was exhausted from his ordeal and having been conscious for over 36 hours. He must have slept for a bit but eventually the dreams came of him being trapped in his body again and not being able to move or speak. Everything built up inside him as he tried to fight the feeling and suddenly he was shouting out as he bolted up in bed. Dean was instantly by his side trying to sooth him and get him to stop panicking. Pulling his brother closer Sam wrapped his arms around the older man and held tight, letting go of the terror as Dean’s warmth seeped into his skin.

Dean finally pulled away when Sam stopped shaking and went to get up but Sam grabbed a hold of him again. “Stay, please.” At Dean’s nod he pulled the sheet back so that his brother could climb in behind him and hold him like he had when they were kids, as he eventually relaxed and fell back asleep.

This time he slept much better but still woke after a weird dream he didn’t quite remember once his brain was back online. Dean was draped over his back and Sam could feel the other man’s dick pushed up against his boxer clad ass. It was hard. Really hard.

Sam lay there thinking of the things his brother said, of how lonely it must be to love someone and know they would never feel the same. To never be able to even talk about it with anyone as they’d never understand. Sam thought he might be starting to get it a little. They had been raised to not trust other people, to rely only on family and even then they had been so close, so wrapped up in each other their whole lives. In Dean’s whole life all he’d been taught was ‘watch out for Sammy’ and ‘take care of your brother’. His brother’s world had consisted of an emotionally distant father, fear, killing monsters and Sam. So maybe it wasn’t so out of left field that Dean had developed inappropriate feelings for the only person he could ever be his real self with. The only person who truly knew him, all of him.

Sam though back to all the years of Dean taking care of him, of giving him the bigger bowl of food because he knew Sammy was growing, of holding Sam when his nightmares wouldn’t leave him alone. Of taking on a whole group of bullies when Sam was in 4th grade and had pissed off a group of older boys by accident. Of taking him back after Jess died even though they both knew he had broken Dean’s heart when he left.

Suddenly Sam was overcome with such gratitude and longing to do something for his brother, something to show him how much the other man meant to him. Rolling over he gazed at his brother’s sleeping features. His skin looked soft in the dim light and he looked so young with those long lashes sweeping across his freckled cheeks, plush lips slightly parted and a little drop of drool at the corner of his mouth.

Without giving himself time to think about it Sam reached out and lay the back of his fingers against his brother’s bulge. Feeling his dick twitch even under the denim he was still wearing Sam let his fingers rub against the front. When his brother let out a little snuffle Sam moved his fingers up and undid the button and zipper parting the jeans so that he could reach in and awkwardly rub his palm over the other man’s boxers.

Dean’s hips jerked forward, pushing his dick further into Sam’s hand as he let out a little gasp and moan. Sam could tell he was still sleeping but was starting to come out of it. Reaching into the opening he pulled his brother’s hot flesh out, getting his hand wrapped around the already leaking cock. A firm pull elicited another beautiful moan from the other man, making Sam feel so good to be doing this for him. To be giving back something that would make Dean happy.

Sam had never really held another penis before but he couldn’t say he was against it. He’d had a few thoughts over the years and a few crushes that he’d never acted on. Growing up in the uber macho world of hunting wasn’t exactly an open and liberal type culture. It was full of redneck conservative types where women, guns, religion and monsters were the only things talked about and queers weren’t something tolerated a whole lot. Yeah there were hunters they’d met that Sam thought wouldn’t give a shit, like Bobby and maybe even Caleb but most would beat the shit out of someone for being that way.

Therefore, even though Sam had some inklings that he might not be 100 percent totally straight he wasn’t far enough over the line to really pursue it. Girls were pretty damn good and Sam loved their sweet skin and soft moans so if a hard male caught his eye he just rolled on past it. He might have tried experimenting in college if he hadn’t met Jess. He’d certainly been heading in that direction with Brady before the other boy had gotten into drugs and got all weird. But that’s also when he introduced Sam to Jess so it worked out for the best.

The fact that the dick in his hand, sliding so hotly against his palm, was his brother’s was the part that was kinda freaky, but with each stroke Sam worried about that less and less. This was for Dean and that was really all he cared about in this moment.

Sam felt the moment his brother came to because he suddenly tensed up as his breath hissed inward. “Sammy?” He groaned after a moment, the question clear.

“Shhh” Sam gave another pump with his hand and felt more precum bead up from the slit.

Dean tried to pull back. “What the hell dude?”

“Shhh, it’s okay Dean, just let me.”

“But you don’t… Sam?” The sleep was clearing from his eyes but the desire was still thick.

“Please Dean, just let me do this for you. I want to.”

Dean gave an experimental thrust forward with his hips and his eyelids fluttered. “Yeah, that’s it, just let your little brother take care of you for once.” Sam cooed.

“But… but you don’t….”

“No, but this isn’t for me, its for you Dean. Please, just let me.” He pleaded.

Dean’s hips jerked forward again and he let out another sweet moan. Sam’s guts clenched tight as he heard it and felt something warm spread through him but he ignored it, focusing instead on getting a good rhythm going that had his brother’s eyes rolling back in his head.

“Oh God, Sammy.” Dean groaned as he started to pump his hips into Sam’s fist.

“That’s it Dean, just like that. “

“Please, Sammy.” Dean begged as he started to thrust faster.

“Come on Dean, cum for me, cum for your little brother.” Sam had no idea where the words were coming from. He wasn’t a dirty talker and what was with the little brother crap? But he couldn’t seem to stop himself as he watched the pleasure on his brother’s face, needing to give him more, give him everything.

“Saaaamm” Dean cried out as his release shot out, soaking Sam’s hand and the mattress below them. Sam worked the older man through his orgasm before finally letting go as Dean collapsed backwards, flopping down on the mattress like he was boneless.

Sam got up and went to wash his hands. It wasn’t until he was climbing back in bed that Dean opened his eyes and looked at him, making Sam’s face flame in an epic blush. Holy shit, he’d just jacked his brother off.

“Not that I’m complaining, but mind telling me what that was all about.”

“I don’t know, just wanted to do something for you. Make you feel good.” Dean grunted and raised his eyebrow. “Dean please, can we just not make a big deal out of it.” Sam pleaded, not wanting to look at it himself let alone explain it to his brother.

“Fine, but get over here bitch I’m still sleepy.”

Sam rolled onto his side so that Dean could wrap his arm around him. “Course you are, just blew your brains out your dick.” Sam snarked under his breath but Dean heard him and pulled him in close to his chest.

“And don’t forget who made that happen ‘little brother’” he mocked. Sam could hear the smirk in his tone and jabbed his elbow back into his brother’s side.

“Shut up Dean.”

“Bitch”

“Jerk”

Dean nuzzled his nose into Sam’s hair and they both somehow managed to fall back asleep with Sam purposefully ignoring the fact that at some point he’d gotten hard and still was.

******
The next week was one of the worst of Sam’s life. John had woken them up a couple hours after ‘the incident’ and they’d gone back out into the woods to salt and burn the body in the back of John’s truck. After that they’d gone to an all-night diner to get some grub since they’d slept through dinner, and talked over their plans. John told them he’d gotten some information on the demon and it had started them on a journey that took them to Salvation where Sam had missed shooting the damn demon. Things had totally spun out of control after that with John getting taken and them having to rescue him. Only it wasn’t just John and that led to a confrontation with the yellow eyed demon that left Dean torn apart on the inside. Every sound Dean had made as that fucker hurt him had destroyed Sam but he’d actually still thought they would be okay, all the way up to getting hit by a semi that was. Now he was sitting beside his brother’s bedside talking to him as much as he could just in case he could hear like Sam had been able to.

The Doctor said Dean was in a coma and things weren’t looking good but Sam couldn’t bear to think of this world without his brother in it. It was unthinkable. And to make matters worse John was acting sketchy as hell and Sam was so fucking angry. If he’d killed the yellow eyed son of a bitch when he’d had the chance maybe they wouldn’t have gotten plowed into by that fucking truck and his brother would be better off than he was now.

Taking Dean’s hand and looking at his brother’s still form the rage seeped out of him and the grief took hold. This was so not fair, just when he was starting to realize…

Sam’s eyes widened while shock washed over him as his brain finally acknowledged what his heart had been telling him for a long time. Probably a lot longer than just since he knew about how Dean felt.

“Please Dean, if you can hear me you have to fight. I need you so much. I wish… I just wish I’d been able to tell you when you were still awake. Dean I need you to wake up so I can tell you that I love you too. God, I love you so much and I want you too. Please Dean fight this and come back to me.” Tears were falling from Sam’s cheeks onto where he was clutching his brother’s hand.

“I don’t know why I never saw it, I guess it turns out you’re the smarter brother.” Sam let out a sad little chuckle. “All this time, the jealousy when you’d go off with girls or spend nights at the bars instead of with me. The way no one else could ever compare to you, except Jess who was so much like you I can’t believe I didn’t see it. Christ she even had the same birthday. How could I not put that together? Even my body knew before me. Remember that day, the day I… well I got hard too just by touching you. Just watching your face and my body was on fire but I didn’t want to think about it, pushed it away because I didn’t want to think I was wrong in that way. But it can’t be wrong, not if we both feel it. Not if we both love each other like this.”

Finding out that Dean had another reaper on his ass terrified Sam but then Dean woke up and the relief literally made his knees buckle. He gazed into his brother’s eyes and hoped the other man had heard his confession but nothing in Dean’s expression said he did. Then John sent Sam for coffee and their lives would never be the same again.

******

The next couple months were hard. Dean was a mess and Sam was not only trying to deal with his own grief but his brother’s as well, and he knew neither one of them was in a place to deal with this thing between them and what it could mean. Sometime after the second week Sam had climbed into bed with his brother and just held him through the night while he wept. After that they tended to end up in the same bed more often then not but it was completely platonic and just a source of comfort between them. They never discussed it during the day and they continued to get two beds in their motel rooms but more and more they didn’t even attempt to use the extra one.

Sam could feel that his brother was holding something back but learning what their Dad had said before sacrificing himself to save Dean was a gut punch. Sam had no idea how to handle the news that he might change into something so bad his brother would need to kill him. Running from Dean in order to get his head around the news made everything worse when Sam got himself possessed by Meg, but Dean never flinched. Sam had no idea how to take it when Dean tried to cover up Sam’s crimes instead of take him out like he was supposed to.

But when Sam confronted his brother Dean had crumpled in on himself. “How can you expect that of me Sammy? You know how I feel about you, I love you man. I could never hurt you, never.”

“Even if I was evil and killing people Dean?” Sam yelled in frustration.

“But you wouldn’t. I know you, I know who you are and you wouldn’t.”

“But what if I change? What if the demon changes me and I do turn evil? I killed Wendell.”

“No, Meg killed Wendell. The only way they will ever get you to do something like that is by possessing you like Meg did because, Sam, I KNOW you won’t become what they want you to. I know it.” there was a fierce determination in Dean’s expression.

The fire of his anger died out and Sam stared into his brother’s clear green eyes. He was so beautiful standing there, pleading for Sam to believe him, for Sam to trust him that he wasn’t going to turn. Unable to resist, Sam strode across the room until he was right in front of the older man, never breaking eye contact. A flash of something crossed Dean’s face before he blanked his expression. But Sam had seen the hunger and he was done waiting. Grabbing Dean’s biceps he pulled the older man against his chest as he leaned down to brush his lips against the ones he’d been dreaming about for months now.

Dean jerked backwards as much as he could with Sam holding him tight to his body. “Sammy?”

“God Dean. Why couldn’t you have heard me?”

“Heard what?” The other man asked with confusion.

“In the hospital. I talked to you when you were in the coma and I thought you’d remember since you were communicating with me through the Ouija board but you didn’t. It killed me that you didn’t remember after I bared my heart to you. Then after Dad I just didn’t… you were already dealing with so much so I waited. But Dean I can’t, I need you to know.”

“Sammy, its okay, whatever it is I’m right here. I’ll always be right here as long as you want me to be.”

“I love you Dean.” Sam could tell by the other man’s expression that he didn’t understand.

“Alright Sammy, I know. You told me that before. See it’s all okay.”

“No Dean, I love you love you. Like you love me.”

A flash of anger crossed Dean’s face. “Sam that’s not funny. I know you handled all that really well and I’m grateful, but mocking me now is just plain cruel.”

“Dean I’m not mocking you, I love you.” He said desperately.

Dean shook his head. “Sam this isn’t funny.” There was an edge of panic to the older man’s voice that worried Sam.

“Who the fuck is laughing.” Sam almost shouted back getting angry himself.

“No, you don’t feel that way. You never did, not even when…”

“When I jerked you off.”

Dean went beat red. “Yeah.” He muttered.

“You ever think I just didn’t realize it yet? Maybe it took hearing how you felt to open my eyes that that was even a possibility, then seeing you laying in that hospital bed things became real clear real fast. Fuck Dean, you have no idea the hoops my psyche has put itself through to not look at my feeling for you. Did you know that Jess is like a female you right down to sharing the same birthday as you? That I want to rip apart every girl you have ever spent time with and I told myself if was because that was time you weren’t spending with me but really I was just plain old jealous. Not of you getting all those girls like I should have been, but of them getting you! God damnit Dean, do you have any idea how hard its been waking up with you in my arms these last months and not touching you like I want to?” Sam was almost shaking with the emotion pouring out of him.

Dean looked at him in the eye and studied his expression. “Yeah I do.” He said simply.

The air rushed out of Sam’s lungs and Dean brought a hand up to cup the side of his face. “I love you Sam. So much.”

Tears slipped out of the corners of Sam’s eyes as he folded himself into his brother’s embrace burying his face in the older man’s neck. Dean held him as a sob broke from him and he felt tears drip onto the side of his face. Neither of them moved as they just stood in the middle of their motel room holding each other, letting years of repressed feelings free.

“I wish we’d realized this years ago, back then.” Sam whispered.

“Hell no! Fuck Sam, you were 16, I would’ve felt like a child molester. Plus, you needed to grow up, become your own man. I think you even needed that time away… you came back more confident. Like you knew who you were finally. As much as I hated you leaving,” He paused a second as Sam cleared his throat pointedly. “Okay still hate that you left, I get why you needed it. The way you and Dad were, well I get it. And the man you are, the person who came back to me, well he’s pretty damn awesome.”

More tears squeezed out of his eyes as Sam pulled back to look at his brother. “So you don’t hate me for going to school?”

“No, never. I have never ever hated you. It fucking hurt, I won’t lie. Felt like you ripped my heart out and took it with you but I never… I did want you to be happy, to get what you wanted.”

“Funny thing about that is I felt like I’d left my heart behind with you. For so long I felt empty and lost. Jess helped, she filled the hole up just enough that I could function again, that I could live and plan my life. But it wasn’t until I was hunting with you again that I finally felt whole and real. That I felt like me, if that makes any sense.”

“Yeah, I think it does. I get it.” Dean ran his hand through Sam’s hair, brushing it back off his face. “And I think that’s part of what I was saying, you needed to go through that, learn that lesson before you could be ready for this, because Sam, if we do this its for forever, I wouldn’t survive losing you.” Dean’s eyes were hard and serious.

“Same, me too. I couldn’t…. losing Jess was hard enough but the though of losing you… seeing you in that hospital bed, Dean I’ve never been so scared in my life.”

Dean’s fingers went through Sam’s hair again then settled on the back of his neck. “And what about the.. the um incest part? The it’s illegal and people will judge you for it part?”

Sam let out a weary sigh. “Dean I don’t give a flying fuck. It’s nobodies business but ours, but if people do find out then they’ll just have to live with it.”

A wicked smile broke across Dean’s face and he used the hand behind Sam’s neck to pull him down into an instantly dirty kiss. Fuck could his brother kiss. When they broke for air Sam couldn’t help commenting.

“Well, I guess we’re done with the talking part of the evening.” He chuckled as Dean pulled him in close again.

“Yeah, from now on the only words I wanna hear from you are Dean, God, please and more.”

“Understood.” Sam said as he captured Dean’s soft lips in another deep kiss, tongues tangling erotically.

Clothes were pulled off with total disregard for things like buttons and zippers. Sam heard fabric tear twice but didn’t care, the only thing either of them was interested in was the skin that was being revealed and getting their hands and mouths all over it. Somehow, they stumbled over to the closest bed and fell onto it after the last item of clothing hit the floor.

“Oh fuck Dean.” Sam moaned as his brother’s mouth latched onto his nipple, sucking it down hard.

Letting go with a pop Dean looked up at him. “Add fuck to the list.” He smirked before dropping his head and sucking the other nipple into his mouth. Sam almost laughed till the intense sensation hit him and caused him to choke out a loud moan instead.

“Fuck Dean, yes.” He cred out when Dean bit down, the edge of pain adding to the pleasure.

Dean let go of Sam’s nipple to suck and lick his way down over his abdomen, dipping his tongue in Sam’s navel and then moving on to suck and mark first one then over to the other hip bone.

“God Sammy, I’m gonna wreck you.” He promised as he paused to take in the site of Sam’s dick sitting hard and throbbing in the crease of his thigh. But instead of starting there he spread Sam’s legs further and leaned in to nose and lick at Sam’s nuts.

Sucking in first one then the other testicle Dean watched as they drew up and he then licked around the base of Sam’s throbbing dick. “Fuck Sammy, you have to get a licence for this thing or what?” He joked before licking up the underside and causing Sam to arch up off the bed.

“Deeeaaann.”

Sam could feel the shithead smiling against him but before he could say anything Dean had swallowed him damn near all the way down. “Holy Fuuuccckk.” He cried out. No way was this Dean’s first blow job. No fucking way. Sam was definitely on the larger side of things and even experienced girls had trouble taking that much into them, no way Dean did it on his very first try. But the thoughts slipped from his mind as Dean started to move. Sliding off and sucking him back in, Dean was bobbing his head and using his hand to work the bottom that he wasn’t quite getting with the pace he had going.

Sam knew he was babbling but he had no idea what he was saying as Dean continued to suck his fucking brains out. Then just as he was starting to climb the final peak Dean eased off and grinned up at him. “Jerk” Sam ground out when he could speak again.

“Hey now, don’t want this over too soon do you?”

Sam felt the grin on his face. “Nah, want you to fuck me.”

The look of pure joy that washed over Dean’s face was something Sam would always remember. “If that’s really what you want I guess I can accommodate you.” Dean snickered while beaming.

Sam nodded at him and dug his fingers into the other man’s ass to pull him forward so their dicks could rub together. Kissing like they were trying to devour each other they ground against each other relishing every spark of pleasure between them. Sam bit into Dean’s bottom lip causing him to growl and nip back, then the older man was at Sam’s neck sucking what was sure to be a huge hickey into his skin.

“God Dean, yes, more.” Sam wailed as Dean moved down to his shoulder and sucked another mark. “Own me Dean, make me yours.”

Finally, after a third mark on Sam’s chest Dean pulled back with a satisfied grunt. “Yeah baby, look at you all marked up so pretty.” Sam couldn’t help the blush but he also pulled Dean into another intensely erotic kiss.

Dean tried to pull back and Sam couldn’t help the whine he let out. “Sammy, if we’re gonna move this party along I need to get the lube.” Dean soothed as he nuzzled Sam’s chin.

Letting his arms drop to his sides Sam watched his brother climb off the bed and practically run to his duffle where he dug until he pulled out a small bottle and a strip of condoms. “Yatzee” he called out as he headed back to the bed and Sam’s waiting arms.

Sam spread his legs as Dean climbed between them, running his empty hand up and down the younger man’s left leg. “You look so good all spread out like this for me.” Dean leered.

“Dean” Sam whined again, prompting Dean to lean down and lick up Sam’s shaft.

“Don’t worry baby, I got ya.” He purred.

Slicking up his fingers quickly Dean reached down to start caressing Sam’s hole. Jerking back on reflex Sam blushed while Dean laughed. “Just relax Sammy, it’s gonna feel weird at first but trust me, I’m gonna make this so good for you.”

Sam felt the wet finger circling his hole and just pressing against it before letting up and circling again. “What about… um, would you ever let me do this to you?” Sam asked hesitantly, not knowing if his overcompensating, macho, control freak of a brother would ever consider that.

“Not something I’ve ever allowed before but for you, yeah, if you wanted I’d let you.” Dean said with a shrug then pushed his fingertip into Sam’s asshole.

“Really” He said with a squeak.

“Yeah, haven’t you figured out I’d do anything for you? Besides, could be fun.” Dean winked at him then.

The sensation of a finger in his ass was definitely strange and uncomfortable but he got used to it fairly quickly, especially when Dean started suckling at his dick again. Soon one finger became two, and two somehow became three and Sam found himself grinding down on his brother’s hand trying to get more, relishing the feeling, especially when Dean would brush up against his prostate.

“Please Dean.” He begged, needing more.

“Alright baby, Gonna.” Dean panted as he leaned back on his haunches to rip open a condom and slide it down his own engorged cock. Lubing himself up Dean then proceeded to pour more onto Sam, getting him good and wet.

Sam felt like his blood was on fire as it raced through his body, every nerve alive and tingling. Dean’s gaze caught his as the older man moved into position and suddenly neither of them could look away, gazes completely locked onto each other.

Sam felt Dean’s dick nudge at him as he brought his legs up, grabbing hold of his knees to open himself as wide as possible. Dean’s hands came down to brace on either side of Sam’s head and the older man ducked down to eat at his mouth for a minute. Keeping his knees raised Sam angled his knees out further to get his feet around his brothers back and lock his ankles.

“Now Dean, please.” He begged again just as he felt the push past his outer rim. Dean kept steady pressure as he very slowly continued to push inside Sam’s body, making room for himself as he went.

The burn of the stretch was quite unpleasant but Sam wanted this so badly and Dean had prepped him enough that it wasn’t as painful as he’d expected. Using his legs Sam pulled Dean into him at a faster pace, causing them each to cry out when Dean was suddenly balls deep.

“Jesus Christ Sam!”

Opening his eyes Sam could see the sweat starting to bead up on his brother’s skin as Dean held himself back, trying to hold himself still as Sam adjusted. “Need… Dean, need you to move.” He whined in his neediest little brother tone. The one his brother had never once said no to.

Slowly dragging his cock out of Sam’s body Dean stared into the younger man’s eyes then pushed back in with an intensity that had Sam’s eyes rolling back in his head. “Oh fuck Dean, again.” Sam cried out.

From there they began to build a solid rhythm, Dean opening Sam’s body up with his cock until it was moving smoothly through the lube and rubbing up against Sam’s prostate making him groan and moan like he was dying from the intensity of the pleasure pulsating through his body.

Sweat started dripping down off Dean as he pumped himself faster and harder, slamming himself inside Sam’s body with ferocious intent. Sam grabbed a hold of his brother’s biceps, fingers digging into skin and muscle as he held on, lifting his hips from the legs wrapped around his brother’s back so that Dean could get deeper inside him.

“Fuck Sammy, oh God.” Dean panted as the bed started banging against the wall. Dean was really nailing Sam’s prostate, whiting out his visions as sparks flicked behind his eyelids. Something was building in Sam that he’d never felt before, deep inside. It was more than the pleasure he felt in his groin and dick during normal sex, this was so hot it burned him from the inside out and there was a part of Sam that shied away from the intensity, the raw power of it.

Opening his eyes he looked up into those stunning green orbs, and seeing the love and need reflected back in them Sam opened himself up to the raw feeling, allowing it to take him over. Something washed through him and he saw his brother’s eyes widen as his hips shuddered, both of them shouting each others names as a wave of power burst out of Sam like a wave, taking out everything around the bed like an outward explosion.

“Holy Fucking Hell!” Dean shouted over the loud rush of noise as he frantically pumped his way through the aftershocks of their simultaneous orgasms. As the last shocks finally faded Dean slumped down on top of Sam, then slid off to the side, smearing the pool of cum on Sam’s chest between them.

“What the fuck was that?” The older brother asked weakly as they both tried to lift their heads and look around the room and the destruction around them. The nightstand was completely cleared off with the lamp and their phones on the floor, the duffles were missing off the top of the other bed and even the garbage from dinner was blown off the table across the room.

“Don’t know, don’t really care right now.” Sam admitted weakly. “Worry later.” He got out as he turned to snuggle into his brother.

Dean wrapped his arms around Sam and buried his nose in the younger man’s hair. “Yeah, later.” He murmured.

Sam pulled back enough to kiss Dean tenderly before snuggling back in. “Thank you Dean.”

“Didn’t I always tell you how good I am.” Dean said smugly.

“Not for that, idiot.” Sam laughed.

Pulling back Dean looked at him with a puzzled expression and a raised eyebrow. “For loving me like you do. For waiting for me and keeping your heart safe for me all those years. For finally telling me how you felt even though you didn’t think I could hear you. Thank you Dean, for being you.”

The softest expression came over Dean’s face as he dropped down to nuzzle the side of Sam’s head. “Thank you for loving me back, my Sammy.”

Sam let out a long breath releasing all of all the fear that had been building since his father died. Even before that, since Jess had died. Whatever the future held, whatever the plans were for him, whatever it was John had been afraid would happen, none of it mattered. This right here, being with Dean, this was all that really mattered, and come what may Sam was damn well gonna hold on to it.

Fin.