Chapter Text
Sanity Check
Chapter One: Shoulder
Kaidan watched her reflection in the window of the observatory deck while Shepard walked towards the door. He mentally went through the conversation that had just happened. It had been weird. The way she just came into the room and waited for him to get his thoughts together; the way she prompted him to open up... It was not that strange a concept to him. That’s always been her MO toward her crew. Always making sure everyone was at their best, but still...
The problem was in the fact that he actually started talking... about his mom being alone on Earth and his father being MIA... despite his decision of keeping his distance; keeping it professional. He knew how she worked, so he thought it would be easier to avoid letting her get too close. He had made his mind up about not allowing her to get under his skin again. Because the last time... well, it just didn’t work the way he'd expected. And there was also the “Garrus issue”...
That was why he had to keep cool. He had to control himself and accept that it was over... ‘Unless...’, a fickle thought grew in his mind and overtook him with the strength of a star going nova. He didn’t know if it was really over; not for sure. ‘Yeah, she did admit cheating on me with Garrus when I asked, but...’, Kaidan hadn’t seen anything between Shepard and the turian while they were at the Citadel, trying to restore order after Cerberus’ coup, that showed some kind of special affection. They were all business-like – the Commander and her Officer – and he knew that because he had watched them closely, attentively even, though he had tried not to.
As the door closed with a chime behind the commander when she stepped out of the room, he felt the urge to follow her. Unaware of it, his feet moved; his hand almost touched the lock at the door when he heard someone call her name on the other side. He froze.
“Hell of a day. Udina loses his mind, the Citadel almost falls... and you almost had to put down a friend...”, Garrus started talking to the Commander and Kaidan held his breath.
“Got a little tense there.” Shepard answered and, even through the door, the tiredness in her tone was so clear that it startled him. It shouldn’t be that surprising. They were in the middle of a war, after all, but the Major still felt his body turning stiff and his head throb at the note of that. And for being something so logical, he couldn’t quite put his finger into what the problem was – not immediately –, but that little uncomfortable feeling in the back of his mind just wouldn’t go away.
And then it hit him...
Her voice hadn’t sound like that – at all – just a few seconds ago while she was talking to him. And that realization hurt as he remembered a time when she would’ve let her guard down before him; she would’ve allowed him – and no one else - to see the cracks in her Commander persona and would’ve asked him to be her shoulder.
‘But not anymore...’, his hand fell to the side as he forced his body to relax and then took a few cautious steps behind until he was leaning against the back of the couch.
He chuckled softly as the realization that – up until now – he had actually been hoping to still have a shot with Shepard sunk in. After receiving Hackett’s offer to join him at the Fifth Fleet he had analyzed his options so thoroughly and carefully; he’d even successfully convinced himself that his feelings had nothing to do with the decision he made. He’d convinced himself that he belonged there as part of the SR1’s crew – the original crew – and Shepard’s words at his request to serve on the Normandy again showed him that she thought as much – Couldn’t imagine facing the Reapers without you – but he had to face the facts: things wouldn’t be the same as they were back then.
'So this time I really need to move on’, he thought as, at the other side of the door, he heard Garrus say:
“I’m glad we have Kaidan back. We can always use a friendly gun.”