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I saw Dally's look and knew what he would say even before he opened his mouth. I turned my head and groaned when he grinned.
“You're so fucking pathetic, Two-Bit, you know that, right? You keep following him around like a lost puppy, hoping he will notice you.”
I didn't say anything, I just let my thumb caress over Soda's leather jacket absent-minded. It was too light colored. Soda would have looked even better with darker brown. Not that he didn't look amazing already.
“Hey! You ready?” Soda called and leaped out of the back door of the gas-station.
“Yeah”, I breathed out and handed the jacket to him. Dally only puffed smoke out of his mouth and glanced at me while stuffing his hands to his pockets.
We left for the pool hall. I took advantage of the too narrow walkway and walked right next to Soda, keeping my eyes on my boots. My elbow brushed against his arm. It was more than I could ever hope for. Soda started to talk about Sandy again and Dally sneered.
**
“Do you wanna play?”
I snapped out of my thoughts and lifted my eyes to meet Soda's. He was holding the cue stick towards me. “Nah, I'm good.”
He kept staring at me and from the other side of the pool table Dally joined him. “What's wrong?” Soda asked. He sounded so genuinely worried, it made my chest ache.
“Yeah, Two-Bit, what's wrong?” Dally mocked and placed yet another cigarette between his sharp teeth. “Problems with a girl?”
I cast a venomous glare to the blond, but Dally just arched an eyebrow. He knew I wasn't going to fight with him. “I have to go”, I mumbled, got on my feet and walked to the door. I could hear Soda calling my name, but I didn't have the power to turn around.
I spent the whole night out, drinking and hanging out. I didn't feel like going home since mom probably had a night shift and she would nag me about not being there for Sarah or some shit like that. So when Shepard's gang had had enough of my company, I ended up at the trio's house, like usual. I walked right in and passed out on the living room couch. I think I have slept there more often than in my own bed. Darry sure enough thinks that too.
It was maybe two or three hours later that the biggest of the brothers woke up for work. He didn't wake me up, but I sat up anyway and rubbed my eyes.
“Rough night?” Darry asked while fixing his coffee.
“Something like that”, I grunted and stumbled to their kitchen table. “That new kid in Shepard's gang got almost ran over by the socs in front of the Fusion.”
Darry poured me coffee and frowned. “What were you doing all the way there? That's soc territory.”
I waved my hand as I didn't feel like talking about my nightly wanderings. “I felt the socs needed to get in touch with their inner feelings.”
“You didn't get involved in anything, right?” Darry sounded worried every time something might threaten his peaceful family life. He was the mother bear to his cubs alright.
“Of cours--” I trailed off when I caught a glimpse of Soda going to the shower with nothing but boxers on. His skin must've been all warm from sleeping under the blankets. He would've probably jumped a little, if I ran my cold hand along his spine. He would've slapped my hand, smiled and told me not to do that.
“What?!” Darry shouted and banged the frying pan against the stove. The eggs almost ended up on the floor.
I jumped on my seat and frowned to the man. “Not! Of course not! Jeesh, just calm down...” I mumbled and turned my eyes to the pan. “Make me some, won't you.” I nodded towards the eggs.
“Fried, boiled or scrambled?” he asked like it was a freaking diner I was sitting in. But the brothers had always been picky about their eggs.
And for some unbelievable reason I said I wanted mine with grape jelly. Darry glanced at me like I was bullshitting him. “Well I have to know what they're like!” I defended. “I've watched this perversion of his for too long to ignore it!”
“Ignore what?”
I knew without watching that Soda was standing right behind me with only a towel wrapped around his waste. I felt a jerk in my jeans and leaned over the table to hide it. “Your demonic eating habits”, I answered. The scent of soap filled my brains and turned them into mush.
Soda slammed his hand on my shoulder. It was warmer and it would have been soft too, if not being blocked by my clothing. I could just imagine the hot water pouring over him. “If it was up to you, you would have a beer for a breakfast”, he chuckled and sat to the table.
I tried my hardest not to stare at the dripping water on his chest. “Well, porridge, toast, beer - they're all made from grain”, I said with a grin. Soda grinned too and for a second I didn't have a worry in the world.
Darry slapped two plates with eggs in front of us and snapped me out of my thoughts again. “So, you have any plans for tonight?”
I glanced at Darry. “I know I'm not going to be anywhere near Shepards.” I had to move my eyes to Soda again. “What about you two?”
“I took an extra shift”, Darry said with a dry tone.
“Steve had some plans”, Soda said with his mouth full. “I don't know if I'm invited with Sandy or not.”
I nodded and tried not to show my thoughts. If I had to listen to yet another story about Sandy, I would take my switch blade and jam it to my stomach. Not that there was anything wrong with Sandy, she was a normal skank. It was just that she was Soda's skank. And Soda really seemed to love her for some strange reason.
“Oh by the way, I happened to run into your life yesterday. It said to give it a call, when you want it back”, I snarled at Soda and leaned back in the chair. Sandy-talk was a sure way to kill a hard-on any day.
“I didn't know Soda's life was in the west side, getting run over by the socs”, Darry said and sat down, eyeballing me.
“What?” Soda's worried puppy eyes were on me again. “What the hell were you doing west side? Were you alone?”
“Thanks”, I growled at Darry, who only arched his eyebrows, telling me to keep my mouth shut about his brother.
“No, seriously!” Soda exclaimed and kicked my chair. “You've been really weird for a long time! Don't think you can fool us!”
I didn't say anything even when I knew the silence would only make things worse. I just couldn't come up with anything.
“Come on”, Darry said quietly. “You know you can tell us anything. Did you do something?”
I stared at Darry and for a moment I imagined what his expression would be like, if I told him I was in love with Soda. What would Soda look like. How badly they would beat me. Or maybe they would just sit there quietly, not knowing what to say or do. They would act like everything was okay for now, but the next time I'd see them, they would always be busy with something, but not needing any help. Little by little they would stop talking to me and when I would come back here one night, to sleep on the couch, I would find the door locked. And if I kept coming back after that, some night Dallas would come and beat me to pulp and tell me to stay away from Soda and the others. That's how it would go, even with the friends who were closer to me than my family had ever been.
So I lied.
“Yeah. I think I did”, I said slowly.
Darry glanced at Soda and took a deep breath. “We can work it out”, he said and turned his eyes back to me. “Just tell us.”
I tried to come up with anything. Nothing too bad, but bad enough for them to believe me. For a second I thought to go with a dead relative, to get some sympathy out of Soda, but that would back fire as soon as they saw my mom the next time. And besides they knew I didn't give a crap about any other relatives than mom and Sarah.
Then I thought I'd go with breaking up with someone, but that was so lame and ordinary that they would never buy it. I thought to add that I had slapped the bitch, but that wasn't something I wanted Soda to remember whenever he saw me.
“I... umm... I think I knocked one skank up.” I felt like stabbing myself already. That would raise up way too many questions.
“Oh”, Soda managed. He glanced at Darry with slightly panicked look on his face.
“What are you planning to do?” Darry asked calmly, ignoring Soda for now. I knew he had already formed a plan in his mind and in ten seconds he would start to share it.
“Well... nothing”, I said with a sigh. “She's...” Dead? Moved away? “With someone else.” It was hard to believe I had actually been fluent with lying all my life. Today was clearly not my day.
There was silence again. Darry formed another plan in his head and opened his mouth. “What is she going to do?”
I snorted and spread my hands. “I don't know. Lie, leave the town... Whatever it is, it's none of my business according to her.”
Darry shifted in his chair. He was going to be late from work, but couldn't say so out of politeness. “You're ok with that?”
I shrugged. “I don't really have a choice. But yeah, I'll survive.”
Darry tapped the table for a second, before standing up. “Listen, I've gotta go.” He gestured something towards Soda behind my back and Soda nodded. “And get Ponyboy out of the bed too, he's going to be late from school.”
“Yeah yeah, go already”, Soda said. “And take it easy in there!” he called after his brother.
The kitchen was silent again. “It's probably not even mine”, I had to say and grin. I felt bad for lying at Soda, but I really didn't have any choice. Truth was out of the question. They wouldn't understand. They weren't like that. Not one of them. Dally kind of got it, he had seen crazier things in New York, but he was nowhere near ok with it.
“Yeah”, Soda grinned back, but he wasn't happy at all. He stood up. “I have to go wake Pony.”
“Yeah, sure”, I nodded. “I'll drive you both, if you need a ride.”
“Great”, Soda said with a grin. More than ever I wanted to kiss him when he grinned. I was so sure that on those lips was the answer to any unhappiness in the world. Soda's grin could make anything better.
We dropped Pony off first. I told him to do his biology project about the brain activity of the socs. That way he wouldn't have to do anything. The kid had laughed and said that he would do the project about my sober behaviour, that way there was even less work.
Usually Steve picked Soda up for work, so it was rare that I had the excuse to drive around with Soda. It was nice though. We liked the same music and we sang out loud. The drive to DX was too short, however, and my few moments of bliss soon died.
“Hey umm.. If you're not going anywhere with Sandy or Steve, would you like to do something tonight?” I decided to make the best out of my lie while it lasted. “I could use a few beers and a friend.” He could never turn that down. I had practically begged him for company. He would blow even Sandy off now.
And sure enough Soda nodded. “Sure. Come by our place tonight.”
“Great.” I sat still and watched him go for a moment, before I drove off.
**
What Pony and Johnny did messed up everything. Don't get me wrong, I was worried to death about the kids, but there was nothing I could do for them. I roughened Dally up and tried to make him tell Darry and Soda where Pony was, but hell, even the army couldn't make that guy talk if he didn't want to. So I worried about Soda.
He was miserable. Not eating, not sleeping, if it wasn't for Steve doing most of his work, he would have lost his job too. I tried my best to make him feel better, but nothing would work. I knew my jokes irritated him and my presence wasn't needed. It got to the point where I thought it was best for me to leave, before Soda would snap and toss me out of the house.
I drove around city trying to get any info about Pony's whereabouts, but no one knew anything. I had been doing that for three days, when I nearly ran Soda over. I was pulling out a parking lot near The Dingo when he appeared in front of me and started kicking in my headlights.
“Hey!” I yelled and spread my hands. At first I was forced to believe it was Soda's very drunken idea of a joke, but neither of us were laughing. In fact, Soda looked more than pissed about something, so I got out of the car.
Soda was on me in a second, grabbing me by the jacket and slamming me against the car. Now, I had pictured this happening to me many times, when I was lying in my bed and had troubles getting sleep, but this was not like that. Soda was yelling at me at the top of his lungs and I had trouble catching up. He was asking me why and something about love and I just froze. Soda's fist hit my jaw but I barely felt it. Dallas had told him. It was the only thought in my head and I couldn't lift my hands to my protection as I fell and Soda switched to kick the shit out of me. I declared it to be the end of my life.
I have only vague memories about getting home. I remember Tim's voice telling my mom that I'm okay and that I only need to rest a bit.
When I woke up to my head splitting into two Sarah told me it was the next afternoon. I studied my face from the broken mirror in the bathroom. My jaw ached, my lower lip was split and there might be small bruises later, but for now my face was just like it had been. My stomach hurt like hell and there was a series of bruises along my side, but all the ribs were still in one piece. Soda hadn't put me in a hospital even if he could have, but this was a fair warning alright. My days with the Curtis gang were over.
I didn't feel like going anywhere that night. I laid on the couch, listening to the radio and getting used to the idea that I would never talk with Soda again when Dallas walked in to the living room.
I admit it startled me a little, thinking that he was here to make Soda's point clear, but Dally only sat down to the armchair and sneered. “You deserved that”, he spat.
“I should fucking kill you”, I mumbled even when I knew I wouldn't do anything. It wasn't Dally's fault that I was what I was. Sure he could have kept his mouth shut, but hell, I should've known he wouldn't.
“What did I do?” Dally exclaimed, spreading his arms and then took a pack of cigarettes from the inside pocket of his jacket. He tossed the packet over to me. I took one too.
“You told him!” I shouted like Dally was an idiot. The lightener hit me on the forehead.
“I didn't, you gimp. He thinks you banged Sandy.”
I stopped lighting the cigarette and let it hang from my mouth as I stared at Dally and tried to make sense of his words. “What?” It was all I managed to get out.
“You tell me!” Dally laughed genuinely, but with a pitying undertone.
I smoked a while, trying to understand what was going on. “So he doesn't know?”
“I haven't told anyone”, Dally said and sounded like he was proud about it. Like it was some sort of a record of his. “And if he thinks you're getting it on with his girl, I think you're well safe.”
“I haven't touched Sandy!” I exclaimed.
“You think I don't know that, you fucking poof? What did you tell him anyway?”
“I...” I recollected the last times I spoke with Soda. “Crap. I told him I knocked someone up.”
Dally's eyebrows arched. “Nice one.”
I stared at Dally with a dull look. “Someone taken. And that it was eating me up.”
Dally burst into a laughter. He kept howling as I smoked quietly. My heartbeat was trying to break my ribs, reminding me that I still could see Soda. I could just tell him it wasn't Sandy and everything would be back to normal.
I stood up and took my jacket from the couch. “I'm going to see him.”
“Hey.” Dally was on his feet too. “Maybe this was... you know, a sign.”
“Fuck you”, I spat and stared into Dally's bright blue eyes. “And you're not telling him. It's none of your business.”
“Like I gave a fuck. I have other shit to take care of”, he muttered as we walked out and to my car.
“Like Pony and Johnny?”
Dally only glanced at me but didn't say anything.
**
Darry stepped out the second I pulled in front. He had a grimace on his face. “I'm not sure he wants to see either of you. And I'm not sure I do either.”
“It wasn't Sandy”, I barked and walked past Darry when he didn't try and stop he. Dally stayed out and I could hear them talking, but I couldn't care less about what.
Soda's eyes were wild when I marched to the living room. There was all the despise and hatred I had always feared, but I reminded myself that this was different thing.
“It wasn't Sandy”, I repeated with irritated tone. “Thanks for asking.”
Soda's eyes narrowed. He stared at me for a long time. “Don't bullshit me. I know it was.”
I only now realised something very important in this mess. “Sandy's knocked up?”
“Fuck you”, Soda snapped. “You know she is.”
“Oh and she told you it was me, huh?” I stepped closer, demanding an answer. I wouldn't let stupid shit like this to get between me and Soda.
“No, but I'm not stupid!” Soda yelled and stood up. “You told me yourself! And the way you've been acting when ever you see me! And when ever you see Sandy! You think I haven't noticed?”
I was frozen again. I should come up with something amazing.
I didn't.
I stood there silent.
“It was Harriet Johnson”, I managed out a name of some soc girl I had heard about getting married.
“A soc?” Soda snorted. “Yeah, right.”
There was a long silence, which I didn't break. I only hoped Soda would forget everything he had seen about me acting weird around him.
Soda glanced at me. His eyes were getting wet again. “I fucking love Sandy”, he said and gritted his teeth.
“I know”, I said quietly and gathered up the courage to step closer to Soda and placed my hand on his shoulder. “I would never do shit like that to you.”
Soda's shoulder trembled. “And Pony's gone and...” He was about to lift his hand to cover his face when I pulled him to a hug. Automatically Soda's arms encircled me and he pressed his face to my shoulder. “I'm losing everyone!”
“No, you're not. Pony comes back once things quiet down”, I said and tried not to enjoy this special moment. Soda was going through serious shit and he needed me to be there for him, as a friend and nothing more. I held him tightly against me, knowing that this was the only chance for it for a long long time. We roughhoused every now and then, but a genuine hug was a rare treat.
“Dally's outside, so you can talk to him, if you want. I'm sure he'll go visit Pony and Johnny and makes sure everything's alright.”
Soda pulled away slowly and kept his eyes away from mine. I let go of him and Soda slipped away like sand through my fingers. Soda wiped his eyes. “Yeah”, he mumbled and then glanced at me with a shy grin. “Harriet Johnson, huh?”
“Yeah”, I snorted. “I don't know what came over me.”
“Booze?” Soda suggested and I got to shove him a little to get my final touch before we went and let Darry and Dallas in.