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Sometime During The 30th of November, 2015 A.D.
24 Days Since The Absorption of Shinji Ikari Into The Core of EVA Unit-01
Dr. Ritsuko Akagi and Major Misato Katsuragi are stationed at one of the many decks of the backup command centre, alone. There is a feeling of malaise in the stale, almost sickly air.
“So you’re telling me that- that what’s happened to Shinji – in there – has happened before?”
“Well, yes. There’s precedent for an accident like this occurring. Well before my time, though – it was during my mother’s tenure here.
Ritsuko slowly combs her finger through a manila folder, its spine resting on top of one of the many terminals dotted around the backup command center. She stops, opens to some page, and compares the values spat out on the monitor to those contained in the printout. She looks back and forth between the monitor and the folder, draws some markings and notes on the printout, and then types some command into the console, repeating the whole process anew. She turns back to look at Misato.
“It’s lucky that I have anything to work with at all. The records are extremely sparse; I can only understand what happened through the data – and even that’s spotty. It’s all purposely obfuscated: a real headache...” (Ritsuko shakes her head.)
Misato has been looking continually at the video feed this entire conversation – the same video feed that has been showing nothing but a tank of LCL and an empty plugsuit for the past 24 days. She’s barely paying attention to anything Ritsuko has to say.
“Does this mean you can save him?”
“I- I mean- we... we’re trying. It’s hard. We have no idea if it’ll work.”
Misato finally turns to look at Ritsuko, a look halfway between contempt and hope on her face. She opens her mouth – but pauses, electing to hold judgement. The last thing Ritsuko needs at this moment is more stress – the overflowing ashtray to the side of her desk speaks well enough to that point.
“I hope it does. ...I hope it works.”
Sometime During The 4th of December, 2015 A.D.
30 Days Since The Absorption of Shinji Ikari Into The Core of EVA Unit-01
Shinji already finds it hard to look at Rei, godforbid talk to her – the uneasy vibration of the escalator and the vast emptiness surrounding both of them certainly don’t help with his anxieties. Rei, on the other hand, seems completely oblivious to her surroundings – she’s almost static; locked in place compared to the world around her.
Rei initiates, a seemingly simple question: “Why do you hate your father?”
...
“Why do I hate him? Because he put me in this stupid situation! He deserted me. It’s his fault.” He attempts to glare at Rei.
Rei’s expression stays blank as she continues to stare at Shinji.
“...His fault?”
Shinji yells (despite being less than a metre away from Rei): “Yes! It’s his fault! He abandoned me!”
A variety of expressions twist and turn on Shinji’s face: a tinge of confidence – awareness, maybe (?) – what colours his face the most, however, is his usual and common anxiety. He does not want to be pressed any further.
Rei ignores this, speaking coldly in turn: “It was you who ran away, though, correct?”
Shinji’s expression grows flustered; upset (he does not know how to respond).
“...I guess.”
Was it his fault? Or was it his fault? Shinji has and will always be a coward – justifiably so, too. How many times has he stood up for himself and succeeded? It’s safer – and easier – to run away. There are so many that can do better than him. There are so many that want to do better than him. And he really has no idea why he pilots the EVA – even on a surface level. His best guess is praise – dear god! – how vapid. Not even for anybody ...just something someone can choose to give you. A transaction. If only he were someone more noble.
Rei speaks, as if reading Shinji’s mind: “Don’t you wish you were more like me?”
Shinji, caught offguard, darts his head back again – avoiding eye contact with Rei. He coughs, and he sputters, managing to muster up a weak “What?”
“You are no longer his child. He cares for me, not you. You are not his daughter.”
His daughter? What an odd thing to say. An odd thing elicits an odd reaction, though. The idea isn’t too alien to Shinji – he almost likes the idea – of being someone’s daughter – even if he does lean a bit indifferent on the whole topic of ‘gender’. What does it matter anyway, he thinks – it’s not like you can just go and change something like that. It’s still a shocking thing to say, though – something Shinji himself isn’t sure he wants to question. He can’t help but feel awkward – maybe even distraught at the notion.
“D-don’t... don’t say that!” Shinji sputters.
“Why should you care so much? Would you like to be his daughter?”
Maybe I would...?
“No! Stop it! Stop saying things like that!”
Shinji covers his face, attempting to hide from Rei. The environment falls away, wall by wall, like a poorly built sandcastle collapsing under its own weight: fading into darkness – the escalator slows, each step falling off as it reaches the end of the track. Eventually all motion stops; Shinji and Rei stand eye to eye with nothing but air separating them.
“Are you loved, Shinji?”
“I think I am... people like me because I pilot the EVA.”
“Do you feel loved?”
“Sometimes.”
“Do you love yourself?”
“...No.”
What’s wrong with you, Shinji?
Shinji stares at the figure in front of him.
What if she’s right? What if I do want to be like her? What if I do want to be a daughter?
Memories flood through Shinji’s mind – some real, some not. He thinks about Gendo – his father: how much he seems to care about Rei, ...how much he used to care about Shinji. He thinks about a daughter in the Ikari household: cared for by both her mother and her father equally. He thinks about what could’ve been: A life where Shinji is Rei – loved by his father, his friends, and himself.
Dr. Ritsuko Akagi crossreferences a printout containing readings from EVA Unit-01’s core to those displayed on the monitor in front of her, marking down the differences in a notepad.
(Mumbling) “Hm. Slight changes in the egoborder.”
Shouldn’t interfere too much with the salvage operation, she thinks.
Shinji stares into the bathroom mirror, gazing at his own naked reflection. Something seems different – not wrong per se, but different. Better – maybe? His eyes trace the outline of his body: from the top to the bottom, then again, from the bottom to the top. He continues to stare – eyes glazed over, before it all slowly clicks into place – the body staring back at him is not that of a boy, but that of a girl. Shinji quickly rotates around – averting his gaze from the girl in the mirror. Slowly but surely, Shinji turns his head back towards her, taking quick, meek glances – studying individual parts of the form in front of him rather than really looking at it.
Who are you? Who am I? Why do you look like me?
...Why don’t I look like you?
Shinji tries to ask one of the many questions floating around in his head – all that he manages to muster are some strange noises, which strangely enough come out of the girl’s – no –
his...?
Her mouth.
She covers her eyes, embarrassed by the sight of her own body. She reaches around the room, shuttering her fingers slightly open in order to be at least a little bit aware of her surroundings. She finds a change of clothes laid out on a stool (presumably by her) and puts them on, then stumbles out of the bathroom, still partially in shock from the sudden change.
“Shinji-chaaaan~!”
Hm?
“Shinji-chaaaaaan~!”
The girl looks to her left– Asuka’s watching her, a sinister grin on her face.
“You look soooo pretty! You almost tricked me!”
Pretty?
A voice, more feminine (whatever that means) than the girl’s usually is, blurts out: “Huh?”
“Oh!? A ~girly voice too? Wow, Shinji-kun – you’re really trying...! Y’know, if you ran into a real idiot they might actually be fooled into thinking you’re a real girl!” (<3)
A girl? I look (kind of) like a girl? As demeaning as Asuka’s comments are (meant to be, at least), the girl can’t help but feel a little warm inside. Bittersweet though – and a bit confusing. All of this has just been suddenly thrust upon her.
“W-what do you mean?”
“What do I mean!? Have you forgotten all about your he-she act? About time you realised how pathetic it all is...”
...Pathetic?
“I’m ...I'm sorry.”
Asuka continues, completely ignoring the girl as if she were giving some sort of grand lecture:
“I don’t know how someone as pathetic as you got it in their head that boys could be girls. How someone pathetic as you, Shinji, thinks that they’re entitled to the body of a girl. You are nothing but a disgusting little boy – a male with some perverse fantasy.”
The girl tries to fight back: “It’s- that- ...that’s not true at all!”
“...Oh? Like hell it isn’t! I know how boys think – what makes you think you’re any better? You’re as perverted, degenerate and sick as every last one of them... Nothing you can ever do will change that – why can’t you just accept that?”
“No! Please! It’s not true!”
She protests – but the truth is, she can’t help but agree with Asuka’s polemic. The seeds of doubt were planted long ago, grown big enough to bear fruit – all Asuka’s doing is watering the plant: keeping it alive. What right does she have to call herself a girl? For 14 years of her life she has been nothing but a boy – albeit an effeminate one – but a boy, nonetheless. And now her body is changing; maturing: growing further and further from the (relatively) undifferentiated one she had as a child. She was never really a girl – and now she’s becoming a man. Maybe it is time to grow up.
Tears start to well up in the girl’s eyes.
“Aww... What’s wrong Shinji-chan~!? Gonna cry!?”
No. You’re better than this. You’re a-
“Disturbances in his egoborder? What does that even mean? Is Shinji going to be okay?”
Major Katsuragi’s fuse is short – she could blow at any second with even one wrong move.
“If I’m being honest, we have no idea. We’re hoping it doesn’t impact the salvage operation too much.”
“You’re hoping? Shinji’s going to die and you’re only hoping that everything’s going to be okay? This is your fault! You did this to him and you feel no remorse!”
Misato raises her hand, ready to slap Ritsuko.
“I’m sorry Misato. You’re right. This is my fault.”
Misato pauses, dropping her hand, slowly. As mad as she is, slapping Ritsuko isn’t going to achieve anything. Especially not on camera.
The girl, wandering through the hallways of NERV HQ, stops outside the door of the employee break room. She’s about to open it, but stops herself – Misato and Dr. Akagi are talking: about her, it seems.
“I’m worried for him, y’know? The kid has it rough enough already.” Misato sounds stressed, her words trembling, exhausted.
“It’s only normal that you’d feel this way. (Ritsuko laughs, to let off steam.) I can’t ever imagine dealing with something like this.”
Oh. She’s just concerned.
Misato puts her hand on her own head, her fingers slowly ruffling through her hair. “I just don’t understand ...why can’t this kid try to be normal? This gender stuff... I really just don’t get it. Maybe it’s something to do with the EVAs – mental contamination... that can happen, right?”
The girl lurches away from the door outside – a nervous tick, maybe; an accidental stumble?
Misato continues: “I don’t know... I just- I feel like it’s my fault. Like I pushed him too hard ...or I confused him, somehow. I don’t know how to raise a teenage boy. Maybe I did something wrong.”
Wrong? The girl considers her situation. Did she do something wrong? Is her existence in of itself miserable enough for those around her to consider themselves failures? She hopes that it’s all just mindless, misdirected worry, but deep down she can sense it: the smallest bit of hatred and disgust.
“It’s not your fault, Misato. What’s wrong with Shinji is something totally out of your control. I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t be ashamed of his ...behaviour.”
“You’re right. It’s disgusting. It’s hard to care about him when he chooses to live like this.”
Hatred and disgust.
Ritsuko glances down at her watch, notices the time, and silently leaves the room. As the door swings open, Misato makes eye contact with the girl who’s been eavesdropping on her conversation with Dr. Akagi. The Major speaks:
“Oh.”
The girl panics, turns in the other direction, and runs; runs as fast as she can, crying.
Sometime During The 5th of December, 2015 A.D.
31 Days Since The Absorption of Shinji Ikari Into The Core of EVA Unit-01
“What do you mean, ‘failure’? What’s happening to Shinji!?”
Ritsuko ignores Misato’s questioning – what comes out her mouth (instead of an answer) is a mix of jargon, technobabble, and words Misato thinks she can almost understand. Temperature rising... flowback... pressure increases... whatever's happening isn’t meant to be happening.
“Suspend all operations! Cut the power supply!”
“No good! The plug’s already ejecting! There’s nothing we can do!”
Terror truly starts to set in. Misato rushes over to Shinji’s plugsuit, which now lies dejected on the floor. She holds it up to her face, the overpowering scent of the stale LCL almost nothing when compared to her misery and grief in this moment.
“Bring Shinji back! (she wails) Bring him back!”
Why don’t you want to come back, Shinji?
The girl keeps running, and running, tears rolling down her face. This hallway feels like it goes on forever – she has no idea where she is, yet she keeps running. Her momentum is suddenly stopped as she runs into a woman only slightly taller than she is, stumbling backwards.
(Startled) “I’m um- sorry I- I didn’t mean- sorry I- ...I wasn’t-”
She stops herself and tries to bow down, but is stopped by a tight hug, completely failing to notice who it even is that she’s apologising to.
“Shh... Don’t apologise. It's not your fault. It’s okay.”
The waterworks begin again.
“M-m-m-mum?”
Yui elects not to say anything, stroking the back of her daughter’s head as she continues to hug her.
“Aren’t you upset with me?” she sobs, her words barely audible.
“And what exactly would I be upset at?”
The girl continues to cry, saying nothing in response.
“I will always love you Shinji, no matter who – or what – you are.”
... (She pauses, thinking.)
“Hm... I suppose that name isn’t exactly applicable anymore... how about mine instead? It wouldn’t hurt to have more than one Yui Ikari in this world.”
The girl moves her head back slightly, smiling.
“And look how beautiful you are! A fitting young girl for my name.”
So many thoughts are running through the young girl’s head. Fear, safety, love and disgust, to name a few. ‘Beautiful’ ...she thinks about it. It makes her happy.
There’s a long pause before Yui (the younger) speaks up.
“How did- how did you know?”
“Mother's intuition, I suppose. You were never a very masculine child... this whole ‘girl’ thing you have going on right now helps a little too...”
(They share a laugh.)
“I’m happy for you – no – I'm proud of you, little Yui for finally carving out your own little piece of happiness in this world. I would hope for nothing less.”
The younger Yui is crying from joy now.
“You will always be my daughter – you know that, Yui? I’m your mother, and no matter how many missteps and mistakes you make, I will always care about you; worry about you and try to be there for you – in my own little way.”
The two Yuis look at eachother for just a bit longer.
“I love you.”
Misato – now drenched in both LCL and her own tears – finally looks up from the plugsuit draped over her arms. Across from her lies the body of Shinji (Yui) Ikari, face down. She cries out his (her) name, runs over to him (her) and picks up his (her) body and begins to sob into him (her) – a bit out of fear, a bit out of relief. In her whirlwind of emotions she fails to notice the body in her arms is not that of a boy – but that of a girl. It is the body of a newly christened Yui Ikari.