Chapter Text
At first Fíli had turned his thoughts towards Bofur out of nothing but sheer convenience. Their quest would be long and arduous, but would be much improved if he had someone to share is bedroll with during cold nights, someone to kiss and pleasure who would do the same to him. Bofur was the obvious solution as he was neither Fíli’s family (Kíli and Thorin) nor too young (Ori), too old (Balin, Oín and Dori), too scary (Dwalin), too insane (Bifur), too fat (Bombur –no offence intended, but it would make it difficult to actually physically share a bedroll), too married (Glóin) or too sneaky (Nori).
He was notable also not a wizard, nor a hobbit. But it didn't take long for Fíli to realise that Bofur was also quite pleasing to look upon, and that he was kind and sweet, but with an obvious wicked side to him (that Fíli could not wait to explore).
So what madness caused the older Dwarf to refuse his advances!?
Fíli could have torn his moustache in frustration. He thought he had made a good proposal for the two of them to become more than merely companions on a quest. Sure, they did not really know each other all that well yet, but that was easily enough amended with an hour or two spent rolling around naked.
And surely there wasn’t anything wrong with Fíli that would cause a rejection? While he was young that only meant he had the energy to go all night and then continue their trek again come morning. And he wasn’t a berk, if Bofur needed some additional rest one night Fíli had two perfectly functional fists with whom he was sadly well-acquainted.
Besides he was certainly handsome enough, always looked after his braids and beard he did, and- Fíli discretely smelled his armpit – he definitely didn’t smell bad unlike some he could mention. (Bifur in particular.)
Oh, and he was the heir to the throne! Surely that was impressive just on its own.
A thought struck him. Was Bofur already tumbling someone else in their group? Or did someone else already hold his interest?
He had been spending a lot of time with their little burglar, and if that was the case Fíli would be doing him a favour if he put a stop to it. Really, because it was quite obvious the Hobbit only had eyes for Fíli’s grump of an uncle, and he knew Kíli was already making plans for how to get the two together in an attempt to get their uncle to loosen up a little. A smidge. A- well, maybe he would smile twice every year at least.
In any case, wasn’t it obvious that Fíli would be a much better bedmate than Bilbo? (Thorin was more than welcome to the Hobbit though.)
Their burglar seemed a shy sort, inexperienced, whereas Fíli knew all sorts of interesting things about how to get someone off, several times in one night even. It hadn’t been easy to learn what with an overprotective uncle lurking around every corner of Ered Luin where a young Dwarf could, erm, get someone to polish his sword, but once he and Kíli had learnt to create distractions to cover for one another he had at least been successful half the times.
And he had had nothing but compliments from his bedpartners! If he had known about Bofur’s future refusal he would have gotten them to sign a letter of recommendation. Perhaps that would have convinced Bofur to at least try him.
Because when he had offered a no-strings-attached demonstration of his prowess Bofur had even looked less interested, almost as if he-
This time the thought didn’t strike him as much as it took a mountain sized lump of rock and lobbed it at his head.
Bofur had turned him down. Turned down his proposal of a bit of bedsport between friends, almost as if he wanted something which wasn’t just for fun. Was Bofur in fact looking for something serious and that was why he was making cow-eyes at the Hobbit and Fíli’s uncle, because it was obvious that those two were heading towards something serious, (Fíli didn’t understand why Kíli just couldn’t leave the pair alone to sort out their own business) as soon as Thorin stopped carrying the entire weight of Erebor on his shoulders and instead made room for a little burglar to climb him like a tree.
Making a grimace at the thought of his uncle having “relations” (he definitely should point out the downsides of this project to Kíli) Fíli tried to turn his thoughts back to the task at hand.
If Bofur wanted something permanent, well, then Fíli was still the right Dwarf to give it to him! After all, he had already realised Bofur was the best kind of companion.
The answer to both their problems was obvious, tomorrow, Fíli would start his courtship of Bofur!
-
The next morning Fíli realized that he had no idea what so ever how to go about a courtship, at least not while on a quest to reclaim their home from a dragon likely harboring the intentions to eat them all and then stomp on their bone- Fíli stopped his line of thoughts before he made himself disheartened.
The thing was that being on the road cruelly limited the options of a proper courtship.
He could not simply start out as normal; buying Bofur a pint of ale, because there were no pints of ale lying around in the middle of nowhere to be bought!
(If there were Fíli would suspect trickery, and would not dare to give them to Bofur, so perhaps it was for the best. An well-stocked inn would not go amiss though.)
He also couldn’t present Bofur with any sort of gifts worthy of one courted by the heir to the throne. No jewels, no armour made of precious metal, not even a finely carved pipe (is own plain one would not do to offer Bofur). All Thorin had advised to take with them was the bare essentials and a few coins should they stumble upon an inn, well-stocked or not.
That had seem sensible enough before Fíli had realized he would be involved in a courtship, now it just struck him as horribly short-sighted and he would gladly have smacked his former self hard on the head. It wasn’t like a sapphire or two would have taken up much space, and now they were just lying around back in his chambers doing absolutely nothing of worth. It wouldn't even be collected dust because his mother would likely send someone to clean.
Although, perhaps sapphires would have been a poor choice. Bofur’s eyes were more green than blue, and they crinkled adorably when he smiled, which he did pleasingly often.
Fíli wondered if he would smile and laugh a lot in bed too. It was awfully nice when you found someone not only to touch and pleasure (and turnabout is fair game of course) but also someone who would lie next to you and laugh about nothing at all, but hard enough so you’d feel it rumbling in their chest.
What would Bofur’s chest look like? The Dwarf had been a miner, and that mattock of his had to weigh a great deal, so he probably-
“What are you thinking about?” Kíli said straight into his right ear, and Fíli did most assuredly not jump a feet in the air, nor did he utter any sound except maybe some type of fighting cry.
Thankfully, regardless of what he might or might not have done, it would have been seen by no one, because after preparing breakfast (it had been his turn) he had moved away a distance from the rest of the company to give himself some peace and quiet to make his plans.
“Do not sneak up on me,” Fíli growled and gave his brother a shove. “Or I will assume you are an Orc and-“
“What?” Kíli grinned. “Will you stab me with the swords still next to your bedroll? Dear brother, something is most definitely on your mind this morning.”
Before he could halt his mouth Fíli heard himself say:
“If there is it is definitely no business of yours.”
Immediately after he could have stabbed himself with something sharp. There was no surer way of making his brother interested than telling him that something was NOT of his concern.
“No,” Fíli growled at his brother whose eyes sparkled with merriment and curiosity alike. “There is nothing on my mind, nor will there be anything left in yours unless your eyes stop their infernal twinkling.”
“You’ve never been a good liar,” Kíli scolded, still grinning broadly.
“Shouldn’t you make sure Bilbo sits next to the Uncle while they eat?” Fíli said, desperate enough for a change of subject to risk his uncle’s wrath should this particular conversation ever be known to him. “Perhaps that would help. Tell him Uncle always has wanted to hear about gardening or life in Hobbiton.”
“It won’t help at all,” Kíli said morosely. “At least not if I suggest it.”
Yes!
Fíli inwardly cheered over his brother’s flighty personality. His plot had worked. Outwardly he frowned.
“What have you done to the Hobbit, Kíli?”
“I just wanted to make him stand up a little for himself!” Kíli moaned. “You know Thorin won’t act on any feelings he might have if he thinks the Hobbit is scared of him. So last night I thought that if I pay our good burglar a few compliments, let him know he is appreciated, so he would feel better about himself and be braver.”
“I don’t see the harm in that?” Fíli said confused.
“The harm is that now he thinks that I’m interested in him!”
Kíli, realizing he had perhaps been a little loud nervously looked around for the hulking shadow of their uncle.
“His eyes got as big as goose eggs,” Kíli hissed, clearly frustrated, and also, quite horrified. “And then he politely told me that while I was lovely – lovely! he did not feel that way about me at all- stop laughing! He has been looking nervously at me ever since last night, and when Uncle finds out – which he will-“
Faintly, in the back of his mind Fíli heard his brother turn his rant to how he felt insulted that Bilbo would think him someone to not take no for an answer, especially when he hadn’t even meant to ask the question in the first place - but despite making the odd nod here and there, Fíli was no longer paying attention.
The blond Dwarf had realized that if a few compliments could get Bilbo to mistake Kíli’s friendship for interest then that clearly was the way to go to start his courting of Bofur.
After all, Fíli wanted to be both Bofur’s friend and his bedmate. It was a foolproof way to start his plan!