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Eddie Diaz always thought he knew what love felt like.
After all, he had been married. Had multiple girlfriends. Had a team, friends. But this—
Buck tells him that he had turned in the notice on his loft and—all the anger he had been feeling drains away.
Despite everything, despite the pettiness and the cold shoulder Buck has been giving him, the acting up and acting out, the hurt feelings, Buck put Eddie first. Buck has given up the loft he's lived in for years—
"And now you don't need to worry."
It hits Eddie like a truck. He's stunned silent. He can't look away.
He feels like the wind has been knocked out of him—it's almost a physical blow, and he takes a step back.
He doesn't know what to say. It's not something he had ever expected. He doesn't think anyone has ever done something like this for him before. He was leaving LA, leaving the 118, leaving Buck—and Buck was helping him do that.
Because he knew Eddie had to.
Helping him with showing the house was was one thing but—Buck had just taken the weight off of Eddies chest.
He feels like he can breathe for the first time in days.
Buck knows he's been panicking about this, needing to find someone so that he is able to leave. Panicking about the potential subletters all leaving—and because Buck had, whether knowingly or not, sabotaged Eddie's chances of finding someone. And now Buck was doing what he always did. He was fixing it for Eddie.
And—then he remembers the rest of the team is there, standing behind him. Had they known about this? Known that Buck was going to make the biggest gesture, give up his home?
And all…for him?
He doesn't want to think about what the sensation in his chest means.
"You really did that for me?" He tries not to let the emotion leave his chest, but his voice breaks.
Shannon put her mom first. His parents put his sisters first. He had to put his son first.
But Buck was putting Eddie first.
Is this what it truly feels like to be loved?
He wishes he could go back to a time before he thought that. Wind back the clock, unrealize these feelings.
He wishes he could put them back in the box that was buried in the dark recesses of his mind, and locked with a key. With all the other thoughts and desires he has that he couldn't let himself touch.
Apparently that box has cracked open without him knowing, without him wanting it to.
Because now he knows what Evan Buckley would give up for him. But it didn't matter. Couldn't matter. Because Eddie is leaving for good.
He doesn't want to. Doesn't want to leave this house where so many memories were made. Doesn't want to leave the team who had given him a family when he so desperately needed one. Doesn't want to leave the friend who had created a support system for Eddie from the ground up, starting with introducing him to Carla. Who had rescued his son from a natural disaster. Cooked for them. Been there for them. Taken Christopher to the zoo so many times that he had the whole place memorized.
Seen him break down. Always been there to fix things.
(And that's not to mention the thing Eddie shouldn't know about —the thing he told Buck that he didn't remember. That Buck had dragged him across the ground after he had been shot, had basically dragged Eddie back to life).
He doesn't want to leave—but he has to put his son first, always.
So nothing can come of it. He can't think about this any more.
"Yeah," Buck confirms. "You and Christopher."
And of course, of course Buck would never make Eddie choose between him and his son. He won't even let Eddie consider that choice. Because Eddie can't think about that right now. The only thing that matters is Christopher. Everything else has to fall by the wayside.
He has to go home, to his son. No matter what else he feels, no matter that this man stands in front of him making him feel more cared for than he has ever felt before—
Buck interrupts Eddie's spiraling thoughts, trying to lighten the air. Going on about his credit score and a possible pet.
God, that stupid dog that he knew Buck had gotten attached to. With the stupid, stupid name. And the cute face that Buck had fallen in love with. And then had to give up.
But—Buck says the dog is going back to where he belongs. And Eddie knows Buck has the biggest heart of anyone he knows, but who else thinks like that? When they were losing something themself?
"And that's why I'm happy for you. Cause you're going back to where you belong. With Christopher."
Eddie stares into Buck's eyes. He didn't think he could possibly feel any new emotions tonight, but…
This right here, this is why Eddie had put Buck in his will. Because he knew that nobody else would ever have Chris's best interests at heart the way that Buck would.
Hen tells them to hug it out, and Eddie takes a step forward, putting his arms around Buck.
But he can't let himself linger.
He claps Buck on the back, and Buck laughs.
Eddie lets go.
It kind of feels like getting go of a lot more.
Maybe in some other world he could hold on tight, never let go.
Let the tears fall. Let Buck stay by his side. Let himself think about what this means for his heart, let himself truly examine himself and what he hungers for. Let himself know what it is to live for himself.
Let himself be greedy, for once in his life.
But in this world, at least right now, he can't put himself first. Even if someone else is trying to do it for him.