Chapter Text
Peter Parker hates Mayonnaise.
Ever since the Spider Bite he’s hated minty things, peppermint especially—but Peter had always hated mayo. No genetic-mutation needed. He’s got a grudge against that disgusting slop of a condiment.
…No, there isn’t any specific, tragic, or mentionable reason for this opinion. It doesn’t even taste that bad, the texture isn’t the worst thing ever, and it didn’t smell like much of anything. Peter simply hated it. If he were more dramatic, he might have even claimed that he’d rather break another rib than eat a spoon’s worth of mayonnaise.
Why was mayo even a thing? Mayo. May-oh. May-oh-nay’s. Mayonnaise. Man-a’s.
Peter hates mayo.
What a delicious train of thought. Surely nothing will come of this super short internal monologue about hating mayonnaise.
Peter huffs soflty under his breath, tapping away at the screen of his phone. He’d gotten Ned’s new number in class earlier that day, writing it down on his arm so he wouldn’t forget to make the new contact. Buzzing thoughts bounce around in his brain. He needs an outlet. The boy flops down on his mattress, phone propped on his chest as he lay in a way that would probably lead to May scolding him about posture if she saw.
### ### 9126
6:24 PM
Peter
mayo is worse than mustard for real
its so bad it is so so bad im so mad
im fuming. how darr mayonsise
like go ahesd and give me a plate of sad solid water why dont you
### ### 9126 is Typing…
### ### 9126
Solid water?
Peter
like a hypthetical solidified water
NOT ICE I DONT MESN ICE i meant like
like if u had water flabotjrd jello
jello? or gello?
### ### 9126
I think it’s jello.
Peter
but gelatin is spelled gel so wouldn’t it be gello?
### ### 9126
…It’s jello.
Peter
ok dictionary. 😐
WAIT NED
i didnt get shot at all today!!!!
so take that bitch
i can go one day withoutbeing shot TRUTH
### ### 9126
Day isn’t over yet.
Peter
WHAG
STOP YOU ARE GONNA MANIFEST IT
i dont want to be target practice toniiigghhhhttttt RAUAUAUHHGHGFGDHGJ
### ### 9126
Can you not spell?
Peter
uhhhhh yeha i can wdym
i’m higher than u in eng last I checked 🤗
### ### 9126
I don’t know what you were trying to spell
Peter
the genmush part orrrrr
### ### 9126
What is genmush?
Peter
typo sorry
i meant englush
english*
### ### 9126
Okay
7:18 PM
Peter
why are u so dry today dude
is something wrong?
Ned
I think you have the wrong number.
Peter
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i literally wrote it down wdym
Ned?
Ned
Last I checked my name wasn’t Ned.
Peter
…………..### ### 9125??
Ned
This is 9126
Peter
oh
IM SORRY FOR fttjddgtBOTHERING U OKG
SORY
GORGET THE MAYO THING IM SO SORRY
NOT NED
It’s fine
Peter
qait wgats your name then
this could be thr start of a beautiful friendship!!!!!!!!!!
NOT NED
Aren’t kids supposed to be cautious of strangers?
Peter
what makes u think i’m a kid
NOT NED
You’re 15
Peter
UHHH WHAT THE HELL
please don’t kidnap me
actually wiat
okay yeah PLEASE DONT KIDNAP ME (unless you’re rich)
CREEP!!!
I’m not going to kidnap you. You shouldn’t want to be kidnapped at all
Peter
but if ur rich……. liiikeeee………..
ARE you?
CREEP!!!
I’m not discussing my salary with a teenager.
…
But if I did, I’d probably say that yes I’m rich
Peter
WAIITTTTT . okay hang on a second there.
CREEP!!!
I am not kidnapping you
Peter
if u gave me some of thaaatttttt i might come quietly
FUCK
okay then uhhh i got a cashapp send me money PLEASE PLEASE PLEADE PLEASEEPLEASEE aspare change spare change
feed a poor poor orphan
be a good person/man/woman/entity
rich CREEP!!!
Orphan?
Peter
yes orphan im so sad and orphaned i am so depressed and traumatized by losing my parents i cry egeryday (i take sympathy and pity in the form of cash)
rich CREEP!!!
You’re weird.
>ApplePay Pending… $300
Peter
WAIT WHAT THE FUCK
THERESNO WAY UR JOKING OMG THWT THE HELL
PERSON YOU DIDNT NEED TO ACTUALLY SEND ME MONEY I WSS KIDDING TAKE IT BACK
rich CREEP!!!
I can spare 300
Peter
DUDE I FEEL BAD TAKING A STRANGERS MONEY
rich CREEP!!!
Relax, I have more than enough to handle giving out a little. This can be my good deed of the week. Helping the poor
Peter
….ok i no longer feel bad
SERIOUSLY THOUGH THANK YOU SO MUCH
like fr
thank you that actually means a lot, i promise to use the money responsibly!!!
rich CREEP!!!
Cool
Peter sets his phone down to the side, and grabbing a pillow to muffle himself, screams.
He stops by Delmare’s the next day for the first time in a while. The rest is discreetly given to May.
Ned
12:03 AM
Peter
NED its Peter
i screwed up ur nimbrr snd texyed a random person
AND TJEY SENT ME 300 FUCKING DOLLARS
Ned
WHAT