Chapter Text
Missing Every Side Of You
Chapter 1: Drifting Away
It was Jung-Jae's birthday, the last time they spoke.
Well, that was not entirely true. They had promotion events and interviews together; they interacted - or just acted - because they had to; they shared jokes and chuckles - or big laughs, Jung-Jae couldn't help himself - in front of others, in front of the cameras... but it was all pretend.
They haven't been true to each other for over two months now, since that night when they had been too much true to each other.
It had been real, it had felt real, Byung-Hun knew it and it scared him beyond imagination. So he hid that feeling deep inside himself and forgot about it. It was not about him, it had nothing to do with him.
Jung-Jae and Byung-Hun have known each other for over thirty years, and they both agreed that this helped them work well together in Squid Game. It was the first time they had acted together, but their chemistry was incredible. It did not go unnoticed.
They first met when they were very young through modeling, and their relationship grew over time. They became good friends and often met outside of sets and events for a drink or a meal. They visited each other's houses, shared knowledge and advice, and Jung-Jae was invited to Byung-Hun's wedding.
When they were both cast in Squid Game, they started to see a lot more of each other. For a long period of time, while filming seasons 2 and 3, they would meet every single day, they would shoot scenes again and again until they had got them right, they would laugh - God, how much they laughed -, they would go out for meals, celebrate every birthday on set...
They became brothers.
Even after the wrap of the show - they filmed seasons 2 and 3 back to back - not a day would pass without a text or a phone call, sometimes a coffee or a stroll with Byung-Hun's children.
They had been constantly present in each other lives, even when either of them was away filming or promoting something else.
Byung-Hun unlocked his phone and opened his messaging app on the chat with Jung-Jae.
"Happy birthday, JJ!"
"Thank you, brother! See you tonight".
He had to scroll up a bit to find Jung-Jae's last reply to his message. That was December 15th.
December 16th
4.23 am.
"Are you ok?"
10.47 am.
"Jung-Jae?"
"Answer, please!"
December 17th.
11.02 am.
"I need to speak to you, can you answer the phone, please?"
3 pm
"Jung-Jae?!"
December 18th
11.16 pm.
"Jung-Jae, if you keep this up, someone will notice".
11.30 pm.
"Stop avoiding me, we need to talk".
They were in New York City in December, promoting Squid Game season 2.
Jung-Jae was his usual smiley self in front of the other cast members, the cameras, and the fans, but he would avoid any unnecessary contact with Byung-Hun and disappear into his hotel room before they could talk alone. Byung-Hun had tried to invite him for a drink a few times but Jung-Jae always had an excuse to politely decline. He had tried to knock on his door but had no answer. He could have kicked the door and shouted at him through it of course, he had felt like doing it a few times, but he didn't want to cause a scene and didn't want anybody to realize something wasn't quite right between the two of them.
Jung-Jae had even asked Kang Ha-Neul to swap seats for a while on the long flight back to Seoul so that he could chat with Wi Ha-Jun and then had slept or pretended to for the rest of the journey. Byung-Hun had sat next to Ha-Neul - who had joked about Jung-Jae falling asleep before they could go back to their assigned seats - for the duration of the flight that had seemed to last an eternity. He couldn't sleep, he was frustrated with Jung-Jae who was behaving like a 52-year-old CHILD.
Even during the Christmas holidays, his messages went unanswered.
Byung-Hun's frustration changed to sadness. A sadness he hadn't felt in a long time.
Abandonment, loss.
Guilt. He didn't think he had done anything wrong at the time but after a month of silence from Jung-Jae he started to wonder if he could have reacted differently, maybe he could have been more supportive? But how? By the time he had realized what was happening, Jung-Jae had slammed the door and was gone. It was the middle of the damn night. What could he have done? But Jung-Jae was angry with him, hated him and he didn't know what to do to change that.
He wanted to talk to him, heart to heart, he would give him all the affection and support he needed if only he would let him.
Jung-Jae was a great actor, no doubt there. Nobody had noticed anything out of the ordinary but Byung-Hun knew better.
Throughout the two months after Jung-Jae's birthday, during every single event they attended together, his friend - he was determined to call him that, still - was his usual self to everyone's eye but his hands would shake slightly every time they were interacting. He would try to hide them in his pockets only to realize his outfit didn't have any.
Byung-Hun smiled sadly at this thought, knowing Jung-Jae would have cursed in his head, and made a point to himself to choose only outfits with pockets, whenever possible.
Jung-Jae's eyes would linger just for a moment on Byung-Hun, before drifting away. He knew this even if he could never catch his gaze. He also knew that those eyes on him were as sad as his own: he could see them the moment they had looked away, in the fraction of a second that took Jung-Jae to assume a neutral expression.
Byung-Hun realized he had last sent him a message two weeks before. No answer, of course.
He hadn't seen Jung-Jae in a while now, he didn't know what was going on in his life, trying to keep busy with his own, his wife, his children. Trying to shift the feeling of loss he felt day and night.
"I miss you..." he typed and his thumb hovered above the send button for a moment.
Well, it was true. He missed him. He missed him, badly.
He missed talking to him, joking with him, laughing with him. His smile, his laugh... God how he missed his laugh, so loud, so easy to come by.
He didn't send the message. Instead, he opened the YouTube app on his phone and searched for the video of Hot One Versus, in which they had to challenge each other, trying to avoid the spicy wings. They highly enjoyed the experience. Together.
He sat back on his sofa and started watching. He couldn't help but smile at the introduction.
"Player 456"
"Frontman" and that grin.
4 minutes and 35 seconds on, he was in tears.
Tears of laughter, at first.
"The role of Young-Il was performed perfectly by you"
"Was that supposed to be funny?"
"Mh-mh" and that damn grin again.
He watched himself pointing at Jung-Jae and his friend bursting out laughing like it was the funniest thing he had ever seen.
Jung-Jae was hilarious, his laugh was hilarious.
Byung-Hun started laughing hard, out loud, and realized he couldn't stop. He kept laughing and laughing at Jung-Jae's laugh until his eyes filled with tears.
Tears of laughter, at first.
They soon became tears of sorrow, of heartbreak.
He sobbed and sobbed, he was unable to stop like he hadn't been able to stop laughing a few minutes before. He was glad nobody else was in the house.
He clutched at his chest with one hand, feeling the pressure of his sobs, and wondered how long had it been since the last time he cried so hard. Must have been many many years. He couldn't remember a time in his adult life when he sobbed so desperately.
It was his fault, he must have hurt Jung-Jae so badly... it was all his fault.
Byung-Hun calmed down after a while, although it took longer than he would like to admit.
He closed the YouTube app and opened the chat again. The message "I miss you..." was still typed out but not sent. He deleted it and instead typed:
"I am sorry".