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The thing about having one person around at all hours of the day, a constant companion, was that Day got really good at recognizing them in ways that had nothing to do with sight. The thing about falling in love with them, and having those feelings returned, was that Day was pretty sure he would recognize Mhok even if he had amnesia on top of being blind.
'Being at the hotel is a lot like being at home,' Day texted his mom on day two of the event. 'Someone brings me food at regular intervals. I listen to a lot of TV. Mhok is here.'
Mhok was there in the morning, with a voice still deep with sleep. Mhok was there on his break, claiming kisses to 'recharge.' Mhok was there in the evening, smelling of sauces and smoked food, of sweat that came from a good day's work.
Not having Mhok around all the time meant that Day had to find ways to entertain himself. And if Mhok was spending time showing off how amazing he'd gotten as a cook, if he was working toward proving to Mom that he could take care of Day should they live together…well, Day wasn't one to be outdone. So he took to walking around the hotel with a cane, getting used to moving about without anyone else's help. After all, he couldn't always have Mhok, Night, Mom, or another assistant with him. If they were going to have lives together, Day had to show everyone—including himself—that he could get around on his own.
…
…
In the evening on day three of their trip, Mhok told Day about the possibility of working for a hotel in Hawai'i.
"Do you want to go abroad with me?" Mhok asked, and there were tears clogging his throat, but Day could hear his smile too.
Go abroad. Go abroad. Leave not only his mother's house, but the entire country. Go where people didn't even speak his language. It was a huge step. For someone in Day's circumstances—still unused to getting around, to life without a shred of sight—it was a big risk to leave everything that was familiar to him.
His smile was shaky, but he held up his walking stick. "Just one more reason to practice with this thing, huh?"
Mhok wrapped him up in a tight hug that Day was quick to return. Strangely, though Day felt unnerved by the sudden open possibility, it was Mhok's body that was shaking.
…
…
The next day, Day used his cane to go wander the hotel again. He found a bar and ordered a virgin pina colada—it was only like ten in the morning, after all. He found the spa and spent over an hour getting a massage and using the sauna. Someone gave him directions to the Awaken Café, where he asked for, 'Just a water. Thanks.'
Mhok called a little later. "Where'd you go this time?" he asked. "You didn't answer during my actual break."
"Mm. Just exploring the hotel. I got a massage, so I had to turn my phone on silent," Day told him.
Mhok gave a laugh that was tinged with something brittle, making Day frown, but his voice was mostly normal when he said, "I see how it is. I'm working and you're enjoying the rich life."
Humming, Day said, "That's how it is."
Mhok's laughter that time was more genuine and Day relaxed.
After that call, Day wandered his way to the garden. The area was quiet, with the sound of birds and wind but not much else. He found a place to sit under a tree based mostly on when suddenly it wasn't quite so hot, being able to find and feel the tree trunk second.
Then he put his ear buds in and turned on an audio English lesson.
…
…
The accommodations they were staying in were removed from where guests might go, so there wasn't much noise from people coming and going. Day was used to the room being silent unless he had the TV on or all the guys were in their bunks, playing on their phones or snoring. No one spent much time in there except for sleeping, after all.
Entering the room and immediately catching the sound of gasping breaths? Day froze. A second later, a cut off sob lit Day's mind up with recognition.
"P'Mhok?" he asked, even as he folded up his cane and set it on the table just inside the door.
Mhok didn't answer, not really. He sobbed again, and his breath hitched briefly before he was back to gasping for air. Adrenaline spiking, Day moved as quickly as he could in the direction of the sounds. It wasn't coming from Mhok's or Day's bed. It was…past the TV, toward the bathroom. But as Day made to reach for the door, he recognized that Mhok's breathing was by the floor next to the bathroom, the small space between the door and the bunk beds Mhok's coworkers used.
"Phi?" Day repeated, slowly kneeling down while feeling around, not wanting to land on Mhok's body in any way. From the sound of it, Mhok was sitting up, but there was no telling whether his limbs were spread out or not.
Day's hands found Mhok's thigh, followed it up to his heaving torso, past his bobbing Adam's apple, traced the tear tracks up Mhok's cheeks. He'd mapped this body inch by inch with his fingers and his lips, intent on knowing it as intimately as he knew his own. And though he found no wound, Day knew something was terribly, awfully wrong.
"Day," Mhok choked out, his hands wrapping around Day's wrists as Day rubbed his thumbs across Mhok's cheeks. "Day."
"What's wrong, P'Mhok?" Day asked, his voice tight. "Are you hurt?"
He'd been worried about proving he could take care of himself if they lived together. He hadn't considered what to do if Mhok got hurt.
"I'll call an ambulance," Day said, but when he made to pull his hands back to find his phone, Mhok held him in place. "Phi—"
"I couldn't—couldn't find—you," Mhok gasped. He pulled Day forward, clutching at Day's clothes with shaking fingers. "You—A-are you—okay? You're okay, right?"
What was—was Mhok having a panic attack? Is that what was happening? Day had only ever experienced his own panic, when he first began to lose his sight. He'd sat in his room, or in the hallway, or in the bathroom, and felt like he was coming out of his own skin, like something was wrong but he couldn't make it right. He'd wanted his mom to make everything better, but she hadn't been home, and he couldn't make himself move or speak anyway. Day had ridden it out until he was exhausted, had fallen asleep and woken up in a fog, and never told anyone about it.
How the hell was someone supposed to handle panic? Someone else's panic?
Day pulled Mhok to him as best he could, wrapping him up in a hug. "Uh. I'm okay. I'm fine. Are you hurt, Phi?" He felt Mhok shake his head against Day's sternum and a bit of Day's own panic receded. "What do you need?"
Again Mhok shook his head, his fingers grasping at the back of Day's shirt as if for dear life. For several moments, Day just listened to Mhok take broken, staccato breaths, felt him shaking and crying. Hugging him wasn't enough, but Day didn't know what else to do.
"Where—where were you?" Mhok asked. When Day made a confused hum, Mhok said, "You didn't…answer your phone. Again. You didn't answer your phone."
Day could answer that. He could tell Mhok everything he did that day and why he didn't hear the phone call. But he didn't think that was what Mhok actually wanted or needed just then.
So instead, he carded his hand through Mhok's hair and asked, "P'Mhok, why are you panicking?" He tried to keep his question soft, not accusatory—the way he'd feared his mother and brother would be if they'd ever heard of his own panic. His voice was as shaky as Mhok's hands.
"I couldn't find you," Mhok said.
Day nodded. "Why did that scare you?"
Mhok turned his face into Day's chest but didn't answer.
Day gave him a small shake. "Phi," he chastised.
A wet inhale. "I have to answer your call. I have to be there if you need me. What if I'm not there? What if I'm doing something and I'm not with you and you get hurt and I can't help? What if I'm too late again?"
Again? That didn't make sense. Day hadn't been hurt because Mhok wasn't with him. The worst they'd encountered was that day on the street when Mhok wore that awful pink sweater, but all Day had suffered then was fear. He hadn't even scraped a palm.
While Day racked his brain, he repeatedly ran his fingers through Mhok's hair, rubbed his back, kept saying 'It's okay' even though he had no idea if it really was or not.
Who did Mhok know that got hurt? That he was too late to help? Porjai? No. He'd saved her from her abusive ex. He'd protected and supported her throughout her pregnancy. Unless something happened that Mhok hadn't told him…
Just as Mhok's breathing evened out and the tension left his muscles, it hit Day.
"Your sister?"
Mhok tensed up again, but not like he had before. He tried to pull away but this time it was Day who wouldn't let go.
"Phi, I'm not—," Day blew out an aggravated breath through his nose. "I'm learning how to get around on my own so that you don't have to worry, not so you can panic when I go out by myself, Asshole."
That startled a laugh out of Mhok, but it was an exhausted sound.
After a moment of silence, Mhok began, "The day she died…I didn't pick up her call. She needed me and I wasn't there." He heaved a shuddering breath. "I'm terrified it'll happen again. You'll rely on me and then you'll need me, you'll be hurt, and I won't—" He cut himself off and pressed his face further into Day's chest. If he tried to get any closer, they'd have to become one person.
But Day had been relying on Mhok for a while now. They'd climbed a mountain together. Except Night and Mom had said something…Someone else had always been close by, hadn't they? If Mhok couldn't be there, then Night or Mom was there. They had never been truly on their own. That's half of why Mom let Day come on this trip—to see if they could be on their own for an extended period of time.
"Hey," Day said, pushing Mhok away enough that—he assumed—Mhok could look at his face. Day slid his hands up to hold Mhok's cheeks again. "First off, you're very reliable. Second off, I'm not helpless. You've never acted like I was before. If you start this shit now, I'll think you pity me, and then I'll—" even just the thought of Mhok's pity had angry tears springing to Day's own eyes, "I'll never forgive you. You hear me?"
He felt Mhok shake his head, but gently enough as to not dislodge Day's hands. "I don't pity you," he said, emphatic.
"Good," Day said definitively. "Now think about it. Without panicking. What happens if you're not there and I get hurt?"
Mhok's face shifted with his frown and his hands came up to hold Day's wrists again. "I can't help."
"And?"
"You could die."
So dramatic, but Day remembered what his brain was like during his own panic attacks, so he'd overlook it. Day shook his head. "Possible, sure, but unlikely. I might fall or hit something and need a doctor. But I'll be fine, Phi."
"But what if you're not?" Mhok asked, his voice going thin and reedy.
Nope. Day pulled his hands back just enough that he could lightly whack Mhok's cheeks when he came back in. "You have to believe in me, Jerk. I'm trying really hard to be okay with people knowing I'm blind in public, you know? That's terrifying. I can't have you also thinking I can't handle it."
Immediately, Mhok said, "You can handle it," like he was offended someone might say Day couldn't.
Day rolled his eyes. "So trust me when I say I'll be fine if you aren't with me all the time," he said. He squished Mhok's cheeks together and heard the older man let out a surprised squawk. "I know how to call for help if I need it. I nearly called it for you earlier, remember?"
Mhok used his grip on Day's wrists to pull his hands away, ending the squishing of his face, and instead set their intwined hands down in his lap. For a long time, Day let Mhok just run his thumb over Day's hand, let him stare or do whatever it was he was doing while they sat there in silence, and tried not to squirm. What else could he say that might convince Mhok he'd be okay?
"Mm," Mhok let out at last. "I'll…try to be better."
That had Day's face screwing up in distaste. It sounded like Mhok was taking the blame for something.
"No," he said. "We'll be better together. That's what boyfriends do, right?"
Boyfriends. Not caretaker and client. Boyfriends. People who were going to live in the same house and build a life together.
"Nn," Mhok agreed, and this time there was a smile in his voice. "You're right."
Lips lifting into a smirk, Day said, "Of course I am. Are you just now realizing that?"
Even as he said, "Asshole," Mhok leaned forward and pressed their foreheads together. "I'm sorry I didn't trust you and panicked," he whispered.
Day closed his eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't notice you were scared."
A surprised laugh. "And how would you have known? I didn't tell you."
"Please," Day said with a roll of his eyes. Without separating their foreheads, he lifted a hand to touch Mhok's chest—just over his peck. "I know you. I just wasn't listening."
Mhok covered Day's hand with one of his own. "I'll be louder from now on," he promised.
Day smiled. "And I'll listen better."
…
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fin