Chapter Text
Gwen Stacy was 18 years old when a radioactive spider bit her. Barely 18 years old when her whole life changed; from the loss of a friend to the loss of herself. And barely 19 years old when now her whole existence was questioned, from every little choice she made, and realized it had always been pre-calculated by a bigger force than her… or anyone in that case.
Every teenager (and not so teenagers) always at one point in their young short life has made the same questions, at least once: ‘ who am I’ , ‘why was I born’ , ‘what’s my purpose in life’ , ‘what if I’m not enough’ , ‘and if I’m not up to the standard’ . Gwen was not the exception, probably no one would, and if they said they did, they were probably lying; but back to her.
As she grew up and her life and world changed, there were shifts here and there that started defining who she was. When she was five her mom took her to see her very first ballet show The Nutcracker, it was Christmas, her dad had been so busy working for a promotion from Lieutenant to Captain of New York’s Police Department, and on Christmas season it was well known that it got even more chaotic, so to make it up for his girls -and a few influences- got tickets to the sold-out show. In love was short to what a young Gwen felt when she saw the ballerinas perform on stage, never in her short life had she been so overwhelmed by the combination of all: the classical music, the costumes, the dances, and oh the pirouettes ! Helen just giggled at her daughter’s intentions of trying to copy a young ballerina’s movements. It was at that moment she knew ballet was her sport. Since then her mother had taken her to after-school ballet classes.
She was a natural. It was as if music flowed easily through her veins, like her small body was made to be stretched so her forehead could bend over to reach her knee with her toes both on pointe and flex ; as graceful as possible move her arms to dance and kept her head up high just like her teacher instructed to. At that time competition wasn’t even on her mind, she just danced so she could see her mama smile when there were recitals and make dad giggle when practicing at home and he was having family dinner.
***
She was living the picture-perfect life as she grew up, even if her parents would sometimes discuss here and there it never escalated from a discussion. The walls on the apartment were almost paper thin too; from time to time when she wasn’t exhausted enough to fall asleep so easily she overheard the conversation on the other side of her bedroom, the talking about how her dad wanted another kid, a son. Their failed attempts at conceiving were more recurrent. Was she not enough? Her dad barely paid attention to her because of his job, now if she were to have a younger sibling he wouldn’t even spare a glance at her!
—I’ll go for a check-up tomorrow after I take Gwen to school. I’ll tell the school committee I won’t be able to attend that day’s meeting… I’m sure they’ll understand. —Helen’s voice was soft and melodic, a comforting sound for her. The younger Stacy, after overhearing her parent’s conversation, just hugged her lilac star pillow tighter to her and fell asleep just like she used to do when she was a child.
At the age of twelve years old, her whole world changed. Since she was getting older, she had to get more responsibilities, and “be a bigger Gwen”. That day Helen had told her daughter she’d had to head back home on her own since she was going to the doctor and didn’t know how long she’d stay there, handed her daughter an old flip phone —Call me if I’m more than thirty minutes late for pick up and head back home, alright? —Gwen nodded, kissed goodbye to her mother’s cheek, and headed inside her school.
Just like her mother had predicted, after school had passed around thirty minutes after pick up, Gwen dialed her mom’s number and after the third ring, Helen finally picked up. There was sobbing and sniffling on the other side of the line, why was her mommy crying, did she do something wrong or was she okay? she thought but before she could open up her mouth Helen just told her to go back home on her own and called her when she arrived, then hung up. With an uneasy feeling on her belly, closed the flip phone, tucked it in her backpack's pocket and made her way back to the apartment, relieving over and over in her mind the short conversation and the sounds on the other side. Her feet moved on her own on autopilot mode so she didn’t realize that when she lifted her face she was back at the apartment’s door and opted to text her mom she was home .
The place looked the same before they left for school with dishes to be cleaned, orange juice still on the dining table, the dirty clothes basket over a chair and some hair ties on the counter. Gwen knew she was growing up, she was a big girl now so she needed to start making big girl stuff and help around too, take some responsibilities, you know? Cleaned the dishes and swept the floor, packed the hair ties back inside the box her mom had in her bedroom, did both beds, and finally, took the dirty laundry basket to the building’s basement where the washing and drying machines were located.
That’s where she properly met the Parkers, well mainly Peter.
They were new in the building but she’d seen him often at school being picked on for being the “new kid” and being a nerd for his scientific interest. The boy was too smart but it was funny how he was struggling to remember the order of how the order went to the detergent or what wash cycle was for the stack of dirty clothing to wash.
—Need help with that? —Gwen asked the boy while she closed the washing machine’s door— I know it can be tricky sometimes. You’re new to the building, right? Name’s Gwen and you’re…?
She extended her hand to him to shake it and say his name, but looked reluctant to— Parker… uhh Peter Parker. And I know who you are, you go to the same school as me. —the boy sighed, fixing on his big circular glasses and ignoring her request for help— You here to make fun of me too? For being a “weirdo”?
Her brows furrowed, even if she was no extrovert knew when to recognize a boy who needed both help AND a friend. Walked over to him, took the basket and detergent from him and did the laundry just like she did, showing him how to.
—Yeah, I know who you are… and, I’m sorry for not saying anything about what happened between you and Thompson. —placed the empty basket on top of the machine and crossed her arms over her chest— He’s an asshole, you know?
Oof, if any of her parents were to hear their sweet ballerina daughter say a curse word she’d be grounded. But, none of her parents were there and she wanted this boy to be her friend.
—I mean, you’re like, super smart and new and he’s just lucky enough to be good at a sport that will end up killing his brain cells by the time he’s thirty, while you can be the best scientist ever! —she smirked, showing her tooth gap, one of her biggest insecurities now that she was a ‘tween’ and was no longer “adorable” to have “imperfect teeth”; a way to say we’re both weird, let’s be friends since we’re the same!
Peter smirked, there was a faint shy blush on his cheeks and finally shook her hand. Gwen had made her first real friend that day.
They spend some time talking, catching up with getting to know each other’s lives and stories; Peter is an orphan, who recently moved in with her uncle Ben and aunt May a floor below them, he had a passion for science since his late dad was a passionate scientist and always saw him spend several hours on his at-home studio where he continued with his research until he and his mom tragically disappeared and well, passed away, taken under the care of his relatives and planned to follow his father’s steps in the future. Gwen was amazed by his story, and truly thought he was amazing and interesting enough. When the wash and dry cycle ended both packed the now cleaned clothes and walked over to their respective floors while talking. Usually, Gwen would take the elevator, but since she had a new friend she didn’t want to stop talking to him. Eventually parted away and Peter told her to anytime come by his door to chat or he could show her his experiments if interested or they could just go and come back to school together, Gwen agreed happily and then headed back to her apartment.
For those moments with Peter, she had forgotten about how hours before she’d heard her mom crying, so when she put in and turned the keys to the apartment and realized the door was open, mentally kicked herself, had she forgotten to close the door before she left?! As she turned the doorknob and took a couple steps in saw the familiar back of her mother’s. She knew there was something wrong, papers scattered over the dining table, her purse’s contents over the floor too mixed with paper tissues. Softly closed and locked the door behind her and made her way back to her mom.
Cancer , more specifically pancreatic cancer in Stage two , that’s what Helen Stacy told to her daughter. She hated to see the woman’s eyes turn red with tears along with the redness on the nose she had inherited from. Gwen hugged her tighter as if her arms were enough to protect and cure her mom from cancer, make her happy and giddy just like she used to do when she was an infant and dance for the first time for her.
At twelve years old Gwen had both the best and worst days; and also, learned she had to grow up quicker than most girls her age.
***
The Parkers were a blessing, angels that had come to earth in disguise for her. After Helen had broken the news of her cancer to George, he decided to work overtime to pay for his wife’s treatment, if Gwen barely saw him at home now she saw her dad even less. Helen spent her days mostly at the hospital for her treatments, so the youngest of the Stacys practically became one of the Parkers.
Aunt May was a sweetheart, packing an extra lunch for her to take at school and show her how to cook certain easy meals for when she decided to make something for herself and her family; Ben Parker was fun and kind with her too, usually would give her a ride when her and Peter needed to, taught both kids basics at STEAM, Gwen was not much of a fan but she loved looking at the way her friend’s smile grew and eyes shone. Maybe she had developed a teeny tiny crush on her friend, but knew so far she wouldn’t make a move to be more than friends… at least not now.
Months went by, their relationship became more profound, celebrated each other’s birthdays, spent many holidays together (not minding the Stacys were Catholic and the Parkers Jewish), and oh of course they met each other’s families. Helen was glad her daughter was in good hands while she couldn’t properly raise herself due to her cancer treatments, but was happy May was like an aunt to Gwen too. Their families were friends, so she had a bigger family that went to her recitals and awards and so did she with their events.
One summer night, when she was thirteen and days before their first freshman year, they had decided to spend the night at his home, made a pillow fort in the living room, and stayed up late watching scary movies, telling high school horror stories, and intimate secrets to the other.
—You know… I haven’t been completely honest with you. But, I was just, I dunno, scared you’ll hate me and turn me away the moment you find out. —Peter said looking at the top of their pillow fort. Gwen’s cheeks burned slightly. Was this… was this the moment he’d confess and ask her to be his girlfriend before freshman year? Oh fuck, she was not ready to give up their friendship and turn it into a relationship with her best friend! What if…what if she screwed up, what if they screwed up and ended up hating each other? But what…if they made it, be high school and college sweethearts, move in together, marry, and have children?
Fuck, she was thinking way too ahead for herself already and she didn’t know what was that secret, what if it was not about it or just not her who he liked? The curses of being an overthinker, she thought.
—What do you mean? —Gwen asked, looking at Peter, shifting on her laying position to sit and have a more heart-to-heart conversation— We tell each other everything, we have no secrets, remember?
Peter sighed, took off his glasse,s and pinched the bridge of his nose. It was like he was taking all the courage in himself to speak. She was a liar too, but, for the sake of their friendship, she’d hide her feelings… for now.
He shifted his position to be like Gwen’s, turned to look at her, then lowered his face to hide the whirlwind of emotions— You’re right. We have no secrets, so, I guess it’s time I show you. Just… if you decide to hate me, say I’m a weirdo and never be my friend again… just know I’ll always treasure our friendship. Us, Gwen.
The tension in the room was palpable, both teens swallowing hard before Peter began unbuttoning his pajama shirt and OH FUCK STOP WHAT WAS HE DOING?! She looked away, shy, blushing beet red from her forehead to her neck and a stupid expression on her face of mixed feelings. Did he wanna have sex? Would she accept to lose her “V-card” to her best friend? Not that she would mind but, THEY WERE ON THE FREAKING PARKER’S LIVING ROOM AND ANYONE WOULD COME IN AND—
—Gwen, —Peter called to her with a heavy ashamed voice— please, just look at me and don’t… don’t say anything.
It took a good minute of silence for her to both turn her face and look at him. When her eyes opened, well, it wasn’t exactly something she expected.
—Is… is that a… —she stuttered, not disgusted nor angry or confused, just surprised.
—Binder? Yes.
It was very similar to the sports bra she wore for ballet classes but this one looked tighter, firmer.
Many things about their times being friends began to make sense: always wearing shirts to when they were in P.E. or went swimming, the alarms he usually had to take pills she now realized were testosterone, why he used to say he was called a “weirdo” and many more moments she overlooked. Actually, she was glad that the Parkers were so open and supportive with their nephew’s identity, many people would be closed but not them… never had, never will.
She sighed with a soft smile that he couldn’t see due to having his head lowered to hide his tears threatening to come out of his eyes, so she moved herself over and closer to hug him and kiss her friend’s temple.
—I’m happy you told me, you’re so strong for telling me this. I love you, you know I’ll never ever hate you. Mean it. —her hand stroked his hair, the boy began sobbing and she just stayed there with her best friend. No matter what, she’ll always love that boy.
For some minutes they just stayed there, hugging and holding onto each other, becoming each other’s safe space like they always had since the first moment they met in the apartment building’s laundry room.
—You know, I have a secret too.
—Yeah? —said the boy while cleaning up his tears— What is it?
—Ehh… not as big as yours, it’s stupid but, I think this should be fair. — I like you more than a friend , she thought, but no, right now it wasn’t the moment (nor ever will), so she went with another thing— I think I wanna dye my hair blonde, the same color like my dad, before freshman year starts. Also, some splashes or streaks of light pink and blue here and there, you know?
Peter smiled and giggled, no more tears and a heavy secret was out.
After that day, Gwen bought a trans flag added small meaningful details for them on the back, and gifted it to Peter, he told his aunt May about Gwen’s secret since she usually dyed her hair.
On her first day of freshman year, Gwen was a blonde and Peter felt prouder to who he was, no matter what other people thought.
***
When she was fifteen her family received the worst of news, her mom’s treatment wasn’t working and the cancer had spread through her body, specifically attacking her liver. Helen knew she didn’t have long, she was at peace and had a happy life. The only thing she would regret was leaving behind the love of her life and their growing teen daughter, not being able to see her grow up and become the extraordinary woman she’d be.
Helen always would say that to her daughter when she came to visit her in the hospital.
Gwen would always perform the new ballet dances and movements for her mom when she was there, hoping to see a sliver of her smile here and there, put on the bravest of faces to try and not crumble on the spot.
One day, after the music stopped, Gwen curtsy, taking that moment while her mom wearily clapped to try and hold the tears.
—Come here honey, I want to give you something. —there was a wrapped box on her lap with a white sticky note and her mom’s handwriting in pink on top of it, Happy Birthday , it read. Her birthday was months away… she couldn’t… no…
—I… I appreciate the early birthday gift but, I’d prefer if you gave it to me on that day, mom. —she said, gently pushing the box away with her open palm and a knot on her throat. Gosh, swallowing away tears was….so fucking HARD.
—Gwen…
—No, mom, please. You-You’ll be there, for me and dad and yourself! I-I know so, you’ll still be there for my birthday and, and.. —and just like that she crumbled, all those days, months, years she had been swallowing away her tears had finally come out. She felt again like a little girl who scraped on her knees and ran back to her mother’s lap for comfort. She may not be a little girl anymore, but will always need her mother’s comfort.
—Honey, listen to me, —Helen said stroking her daughter's scalp, the soft golden curls with splashes of the color she added here and there and the small brunette roots on the top that Gwen had inherited from maternal grandpa— I’ll always be there for you, to protect you, no matter if I’m not here physically, I will always ALWAYS be there for my sweet Gweenie. You will grow up to be the amazing woman you are shaping yourself to be. Maybe you’ll find someone you might wanna grow old with, maybe or maybe not have a family on your own, move on from New York or stay. No matter how, no matter when I’ll always be there.
There was a silence in the room after that, maybe due to the process of the many many moments her mom wouldn’t be there to see, that’s why she and Peter had taken an “early prom photo shoot” even if they were juniors for Helen to see since they were going together anyway in the future, no matter what. The only sound was the beeping noise of the Vital Signs Monitor. Softer and slower.
—You’re my sun, Gwen. The biggest of stars that never stops shining and warming up the hearts, not only mine but everyone that surrounds you, that’s like a superpower that you have, honey. —Helen sighed while continuing to comfort her daughter— So remember, with great power comes great responsibility.
Gwen sobbed, looked at her mom’s eyes, and forced herself to smile— Can you cuddle me, mommy? —Gwen asked as if she was five again. With all the strength in the woman’s body, she moved to the side to allow her daughter and cuddle her.
—Always, my little ballerina . —Gwen curled up into a ball, falling back into a slumber, the deepest one she had in years probably.
The fifteen-year-old girl was abruptly awoken by the sound of the Vital Signs Monitor showing her mother’s hard had stopped working. Gwen let out an agonizing scream, cried her eyes out, and called out for a nurse, a doctor… whoever could hear her! A doctor came into action fast, but not enough.
In a battle between life and death, the dice were thrown, and this time it was against Helen’s favor.
That afternoon a mother passed away holding and cuddling her daughter. That event placed the first stone of her destiny.
***
That night they made the proper funeral arrangements. George had taken the rest of the day (more like his superior had forced him to be there for his daughter in need of a parental figure in this time of need) to check on everything needed to arrange his wife’s -because he refused to say, late wife- funeral.
He’d sent Gwen to stay with the Parkers meanwhile. They were the ones who picked her up from the hospital since she was sedated, after being the first one to see the body of her mother, had an attack; it was expected, no child no matter the age would like to see one of their parent's dead body. Especially after they just had their last conversation minutes before. The last thing she remembered was her snuggling in her mother’s arms, then waking up, flashes here and there of moments happening, doctors rushing in, her banshee-like screaming, hyperventilating… then nothing. Everything went black.
When she woke up she was lying on Peter’s bed, his blanket over her body, the boy was not on the room, but what about her mom? Where was her mother!? Fuck, she remembered, she was dead, DEAD!
Then the screaming started again, May and Peter had to be the ones to rush in to see her and try to calm her down, Ben heading to give a hand if needed.
After what felt like hours she found herself wrapped in a family hug, crying her eyes out, her trembling body feeling frail and sick, and the only cure was her mother’s arms, the ones she’d no longer feel.
***
There was a beeping sound when she woke up again, Peter’s alarm clock. Her eyes were puffy from too much crying. Muffled sounds behind the door of her best friend’s bedroom. Slowly sat on the bed, stretched, and sat on the bed to look at her bare feet for what felt like a good long minute before Aunt May headed inside, a warm cup of chamomile tea in her hand and a slice of toast with avocado on top.
—Hey sweetheart, it’s nice that you’re awake. —Gwen didn’t even hum acknowledging the woman, in fact, she was as still as a statue— I brought you something to eat before we… —she stopped herself before saying the word funeral , letting the teen process her grief.
May set the cup and plate on the bedside table for her to grab when she needed to. Carefully sat by her side, rounding her body with an arm.
—Whenever you’re ready. We have some clothes ready for you, alright? We love you.
May disengaged from the one-sided hug and stood up from the bed. As Gwen lifted up her face and saw May wearing all black, she knew what she meant by it.
After a long sigh, took a sip from the tea, a good long one without swallowing, just letting it sit on her cheeks, not giving a fuck if it burned, she needed that sting. Had to feel something other than numbness… anything at that point. Swallowed, then finished the rest and as much as she could eat the toast too, the Parkers were nice enough with her, had to at least eat that.
The funeral went as smoothly as one can go. Both George and Gwen didn’t dare to speak to the other for… whatever reason they had. She was her father’s daughter in the end, even if they had spent little time together she was his little girl, and always had a sorta “secret form of communication” where the words weren’t needed. But they acknowledged the other, and that was more than enough. Her dad was a cop, he, like an actor, had to put on a strong face too for everyone to see; she learned that from him even if she was dead inside. Mostly she was zoned out, but her face was… well, stoic.
Trying not to crack now and then and let a tear out was harder as people approached her to give her their condolences, she just shrugged and said “Thanks” and moved on.
Gwen got most of the stuff in her mother’s will: clothes, family jewelry, old photos, and trinkets. Her dad, of course, got custody of Gwen, some of the other half of their savings account,t and some extra stuff.
They were not poor, but they weren’t exactly rich either, and with the damn hospital bill it would take more money than they had in their savings account to pay, even with insurance.
—I can sell mom’s jewelry to pay the hospital bill. —she was tapping her fingers over the wooden table; his dad was looking at the medical bills, a hand passing through his hair, it looked like he was about to pull it from his scalp.
—No. Don’t. —his tone was stern, serious.
She still remembered the “fun” dad, the happy and playful dad. The man sitting in front of her was nothing like the man she used to know, but to be fair, the past few years even if her dad was still present in her life, it was mostly her mom or the Parkers taking care of her since he worked too much. She couldn’t blame him though, the man himself with a lieutenant salary paying the family expenses on his own in a city like New York was pretty impressive.
Oh, don't you find it strange? Only thing we share is one last name.
Now, they were on their own trying to make a life as a family of two with debts and the grief of losing a wife and mother, forcing themselves to reconnect one way or another, forcing a father to forget about the daughter he once knew of and scrap it to get to know a daughter he may not like, but had to know of. Same with Gwen, he was still the same shell of the man who used to take her from time to time when she was little to the police station and put on her his jacket and cap and play. She was a fierce police officer too… Just like her dad.
Did I beat you at your own game? Typical of me to put us all to shame. Family said that I decided to live a loveless life. Is it my fault we stay divided?