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Benjamin glares down at the small desk stuffed into the Defiant's meager ready room, his hands resting on top of the desk as if in prayer, but to Jadzia his fingers are clearly itching for a baseball to toy with.
“Captain,” she says, snapping him out of his reverie.
“Hmm?”
“The personnel reports. Do you have anything else to add?”
“No.” He closes his eyes, shaking his head. “Yes.” He sighs. “Computer end meeting recording.”
Jadzia raises an eyebrow, intrigued. “Off the record?”
“For the time being. If matters worsen, however...”
“I understand.” Jadzia smiles wickedly, resting her chin on her fist. “Now, who of Daddy's favorite are in trouble?”
“You, if you don't stop calling me 'Daddy.'” But she earns the smile she's after.
“Come on, Benjamin. The captaincy is a fundamentally patriarchal position, we might as well have a little fun with it.”
“You know, I am beginning to regret that women's studies workshop I made Curzon take with me.”
“If we never took that class, we never would've met those Vulcan twins.”
“And I never would've broken my left wrist.”
“I told you not to let her tie you up.”
“What can I say? She was very persuasive.”
“The way I hear it, you were the persuasive one.”
“Enough.” Benjamin holds his hands up in front of him, halting the conversation. “We're not here not to talk about me and T'Vir. We're here to talk about Mr. Garak and Dr. Bashir.”
“Really?”
“Their fighting on the bridge has gotten out of control. I realize tensions are running high with the war going on, and Garak can't even begin to be held to the same standards of conduct as a Starfleet officer, but, damn it, we have work to do. There are lives at stake! The entire quadrant is at stake! There are certain levels of professionalism that have to be upheld for us to function as a crew. And I am not seeing that kind of professionalism from either Mr. Garak or Dr. Bashir.” Benjamin takes a breath, and Jadzia knows him well enough to give him the time. “I just don't understand where all this hostility is coming from. Dr. Bashir is the closest thing Garak has to a friend in this world. They eat lunch together every week. Julian went to Cardassia to meet with the head of the Obsidian Order to save Garak's life. And now they can't be in the same room together without tearing into each other.” Sisko shakes his head. “Whatever's causing this, I need it to stop. Can you speak with Julian and get to the bottom of this?”
“Oh, I'm already there. The bottom, that is.”
“Care to share?”
“Well, that depends. How much do you know about Cardassian mating rituals?”
“Not much. The only Cardassian I ever spend much time with is Dukat—and he seems more interested in Kira than me.”
“But you do know how important family is to Cardassians.”
“Nothing's more important to them. And I can't say I disagree. Although, I'd never be so limited in who I consider family.” He smiles at her—the kind of heart-warming smile that makes her spots flush.
“Thank you, Daddy.”
Benjamin gives along-suffering sigh. “Back to Cardassian mating rituals, please.”
“Keeping families together is extremely important to Cardassians, making divorce almost as taboo as abandoning one's children. Initiating a divorce would get a couple blacklisted from society, unless a spouse had done something to harm the family or the family's standing.”
“Something like not killing an illegitimate daughter?”
“Exactly.”
“And this has to do with Mr. Garak and Dr. Bashir how?”
“I'm getting to that. The Cardassian courtship process contains several rituals meant to determine whether a couple's prospective marriage could last—the most important of these rituals is called 'ilami' and it typically lasts throughout the entire courtship, ramping up in intensity prior to the formal declaration of intentions. Ilami consists of terrible and often ruthless verbal conflict between the two partners—many times in public, in front of friends and family—and is meant to test whether a couple could fight so terribly and still love one another.”
“So... you're saying Mr. Garak and Dr. Bashir are engaging in a Cardassian mating ritual and will likely be betrothed soon.”
“If ilami is satisfied.”
“I see.” Benjamin takes a deep breath, filling his chest before exhaling it all out through his nose as his body is wracked with silent laughter. He crumples over, resting his head on his desk, the now audible giggles muffled. He makes a high-pitched keening noise, thumping the desk with his fists.
“Benjamin.”
He looks up at Jadzia, serious for a moment before dissolving into a powerful bout of laughter that sends him slipping out of his chair and onto the deck.
“Captain, are you okay?”
From under his desk, between chuckles, he responds, “No.”
–
“I have checked the translations eight times—”
“Pardon me if I do not hold your authority on the topic in high esteem. You are, after all, not a native speaker of Kardasi.”
“I may not be a native speaker, but I'd hasten to wager that my linguistic skills are sharper than those of a simple tailor born to a maid.”
“And that assertion would have absolutely nothing to do with the delusions of grandeur generated by your mutant bra—”
“Gentleman,” Sisko barks, glaring at them from the captain's chair, “are you capable of containing your petty bickering to your off duty time, or will I have to hail the Rotaron and tell Worf he better start planning a double wedding?”
The blood drains from Julian's face as his features arrange themselves into those of a young man caught necking by his father. “Yes, sir.” He spares Garak a glance before backing out of the bridge. “I will be in sickbay.” Genetically-engineered reflexes or no, he still manages to walk right into the bulkhead on his way to the turbolift.
Garak smiles at that, resting his hand on the back of the captain's chair. “Captain, you must know I would never allow myself to be wed in a Klingon ceremony.”
“I know.” Sisko grins. “That's what makes it a threat.”
The smile falls from Garak's face. He must know that not even a former operative with the Obsidian Order could get out of sharing the dubious honor of being wed side-by-side a fellow warrior once such an honor was proposed to one very excited young Klingon. Garak backs away from Sisko, keeping a closer eye on him than before.
Coming up behind Sisko, Jadzia whispers, “You handled that well. I doubt they'll be fighting on the bridge again.”
Sisko nods. “I suppose they needed to be reminded who their Daddy is.”
This time it's Jadzia who ends up on the floor laughing.