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“First round’s on you moose!” Crowley says. I find a booth in the back to lie down on and I fall against the bench with a soft thud. I place my arm over my eyes trying not to think about how my brother is actively committing suicide.
I am startled out of a daze when Sam yells. “Chuck! Chuck!”
I look up and sure enough, God is missing. We can’t ponder for long till we see through the window, sunlight. We all run outside to confirm the reappearance of the sun and there it is. But that means that Dean succeeded, that he is gone. Sam grabs my hand and I grab his, it doesn't feel real. This can’t be real, he can’t be gone. Sam, as if he was reading my thoughts, pulls me into him resting his chin on my head as I cry into his chest. Sobbing doesn’t even feel like enough to convey the emptiness inside of me. We get into the Impala and drive home in complete silence, Cas tries once or twice to start a conversation but his words fall flat. We walk into the bunker and Cas tries one more time to be reassuring.
“I’m so sorry. If either of you want to talk, I’m here if you need anything” I turn to thank him but am cut off by an unfamiliar voice.
“Hello Hello” I can’t even process where it came from before Cas flashes away.
“Cas!” Sam calls out. That’s when we see her, a young woman with blonde hair and a thin stature. Her hand bloody, Sam pulls out his gun.
“Don’t!” The woman says, pointing her own gun. Sam immediately pulls me behind him. “Sam Winchester, Toni Bevell Men of Letters. London Chapterhouse” There’s an English men of letters? “Oh, you won’t have heard of me-us. We’re very traditional keep to ourselves keep out of the way, keep to our studies.”
“You- um what?”
“They sent me to take you both in”
“Take us in?” I ask.
“Assuming the world didn’t end and yay.”
“Look lady-” Sam starts but is cut off.
“We’ve been watching you what you have done the damage you’ve caused archangels, levianthans, the darkness, and now well the old men have decided enough is enough. I mean let’s face it Sam you and you're bastard sister are just jumped-up hunters playing with things you don’t understand and doing more harm than good. Now where’s Dean?”
“Dead,” I say sharply.
“Listen lady I don’t know who the hell you are or what you want.” Sam starts to approach her and my heart jumps into my stomach.
“Stop.” She says.
“Put the gun down,” Sam says getting closer.
“I said stop!”
“You and I both know you aren’t going to pull the trigger.” She rises to the challenge and shoots Sam in the leg.
“Sam!” I take a step towards him but the gun is now placed in my face.
“Take another step and you will be on the ground.” She says.
“Millie!” Sam winces as he says my name. “Do what she says.”
I put my hands in the air and stop in my tracks. “Bitch.” I have no idea where she is taking us but I do know that I’m going to fight like hell to take this bitch down. She steps towards me and I give her a cocky smile before she knocks me out.
----------------------
My vision is blurry as I come to, I feel shackles around my ankles and wrists. Panic floods through my veins. My head is throbbing and I blink over and over trying to figure out where I am. I lean my head back to feel another head.
Sam.
“Sam,” I croak. A cough escapes my lungs and I try to free my hands. “Sam,” I say again a little louder. He groans and I feel his head move behind mine. “Sammy wake up,” I say, each word feeling like glass down my throat. I remember that the last thing I saw before blacking out was a bullet being shot at Sam. I get violent, trying to pry my feet and hands-free. I can feel the chair moving back and forth. My wrists are burning as the metal digs into my skin. I hear a squeak and the door opens. I turn my head expecting to see Toni but another woman walks in.
“Who the hell are you?” I ask. Instead of an answer, I get the back of her hand colliding with my cheek. I laugh it off and meet her eye. “Ouch,” I say.
She smiles back at me. “Oh don’t worry we are just getting started.” She grabs a tool that I don’t recognize until she plunges it into Sammy’s stomach shocking him awake. I pull on my cuffs trying to get free.
“Leave him alone!” I cry as Sam groans.
She looks at both of us. “Be good little dogs.” I hear another set of footsteps and now we are graced with the presence of Toni.
“You,” Sam says pulling against his restraints. Toni takes a seat, it starts to hurt, craning my neck like this.
“Now Sam, Millicent, let’s begin.”
“Toni Bevell, London Chapter house,” Sam says.
“That’s right.”
“So you’re what English Men of Letters?” I ask.
“British.” She responds
“Where are we?” Sam asks
“Doesn’t matter,” Toni responds.
“Just wondering how far I’ll have to walk back to town after I kill you and her but you first,” Sam says, I can’t hide the smile that creeps upon my face. We are going to get out of here.
“Well before you murder us all we do have a few questions about you two, your brother, hunters in America, and how you saved the sun.”
“You shoot me, knock out my sister, kidnap us, but yeah happy to help.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you Sam but you gave me no choice. I could say it wasn’t supposed to go this way but you’re you, it was always going to go this way.”
“And you know me?”
“We do. We’ve been watching you and your siblings for years ever since you almost ended the world the first time. We knew all about Lucifer, the angels falling-”
“Then where were you?” Sam asks.
“Fair question, see some of us wanted to get involved but the old men wouldn’t allow it. Thought we were overstepping our bounds but after this business with the darkness, even they agree things need to change, and while you might not believe this Sam we’re here to help.”
“Yeah no I can tell,” I say shaking the chains around my wrists behind my chair.
“I won’t apologize for locking you both up, you’re dangerous to others and yourselves but if you answer my questions you’ll walk right out that door I promise.”
Yeah right.
“Pass,” Sam says.
“Sam,” Toni says surprised by his response.
“You can ask me any kind of question you want, the answer will be the same every time. Screw you. You want to get mad, you want to get mean. I have been tortured by the devil himself so you, you’re just an accent in a pantsuit what can you do to me?”
“Yes you have been tortured Sam, multiple times but how many times has dear little sister been there with you, will you still be so unwilling to help when her screams are the ones filling this room?”
“Screw you bitch, we don’t give up our friends,” I say before Sam can even consider giving in. There is silence and then icy cold water rains down on Sam and me.
“A cold shower, that’s your play?” he asks.
I shake my hair out of my face, I can’t deny that I’m freezing immediately, Sam grabs my hand, and I return the gesture. It takes everything in me not to let my teeth start chattering. “Screw you,” Sam says.
Toni gets out of her chair.
“This will be a long journey you two, best to just give up now and save yourself all this trouble.” With that, the two women leave.
“Are you okay?” Sam asks me.
“I’m fine. Are you okay?” I say shivers running down my body.
“Yeah just cold,” He says with a chuckle. I laugh and lean my head back against his head. “We’re gonna get out of this Rosey.”
“I know. Sam, we can’t tell them anything, I know the moment they start to hurt me you are going to want to tell them everything but you can’t.”
“I know.” He says with sadness and clattering teeth.
The door opens back up and the girls return, the brunette finally turns off the shower and the slight breeze in the room makes the chills even worse. I squeeze my eyes shut begging for just an ounce of warmth to return to my body.
“Can we end this Sam Please?”
“Screw you.”
“What do you imagine is happening here do you think you are being brave, that you are the hero of your story? Well, you're no hero Sam, you're just bad at your job.”
“Yeah, and you’re better?” I say.
“So much better you drive back roads catching cases at random you get word a body has dropped and you check it out and maybe even kill the thing that did it but that person is still dead and maybe a few more but my people-” I can’t listen anymore all I can focus on is the cold under my skin like a thousand little needles. I shake the hair out of my eyes willing myself to pay attention.
“So I need you to give me names and locations and everything else. Dead drops, meeting places, an organization hierarchy, and maybe with all of us working together we can do what you never could. Make America safe.”
“Maybe you tie them to a chair,” I say trying to sound tough despite my clattering teeth. “Maybe you do worse, so maybe, maybe you can go to hell.” Toni walks around to look down at me, I hold my chin high keeping eye contact.
“Have it your way.” She says and heads for the door. The brunette however doesn’t follow instead she grabs a blow torch. Bile rises in my throat, the last time I was tortured I developed a technique. Go somewhere, anywhere else. The brunette crouches down in front of me. “This will hurt.” She says.
“Well, I didn’t think it would tickle,” I say. She turns on the flame and moves it to my feet. Go somewhere, think of something else. I immediately shut my eyes as tight as I can, Sam is saying something but I don’t hear him.
All I think is the creak of my floor in my old bedroom at Bobby’s. Dean waking me up Christmas morning, telling me if I didn’t get up immediately my presents would be missing. The smell of cinnamon rolls filling the air, that is what I hold onto while the flame burns through my foot. I scream as white-hot pain shoots through my foot and up my whole body.
“Stop! Stop it!” Sam cries but his voice sounds muffled behind the ringing in my ear.
All I hold onto is the smell of cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning before the pain eventually takes me out.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
When I wake up, I’m out of the chair. I move but wince as my foot throbs in pain. I look down to see the foot bandaged. I guess they can’t have me dying of infection. I hear Sam groan and turn to see him on the floor as well.
“Sam, what’s going on?”
“I-I don’t know,” he says surveying the room. I match his eye line and see the cameras in the corners. Sam starts to look for a way out, I get up to join him when suddenly I am overtaken by a strong ringing in my ear. So strong I double over. I look up to see Sam covering his ears. They did something to us, something to our heads. The ringing grows stronger and I sink to the ground. That’s when I see it, right in front of me. A vision, my mom.
“Mom?” I ask the air. The ringing turns into something else, her voice.
“You ruined my life, I never should have come for you. I never should have had you. ”
“Mom please,” I say the pain in my head is unbearable.
“You were the worst thing to ever happen to me Millie, you are the reason I died. You're the biggest mistake I ever made.”
“Mommy, I’m sorry,” I say as I try to catch my breath. Trying to not succumb to the panic swirling around me.
I look back to see a vision of Dean now replacing where my mom was.
“I never should have taken you in, my life was destroyed the day I met you. You are a disappointment.”
“Dean no,” I say.
“I can’t wait for the day I can toss you aside and leave you behind.”
It gets worse my mother’s voice and and Dean’s wrap together to make an unbearable sound. I squeeze my ears hoping for a moment of peace, “Please please please.” I say to no one. I didn’t even realize Toni had come down before Sam grabs me and heads for the stairs. It is pointless, Toni shocks him and we stumble to the ground. She runs up and shuts the door.
“No!” Sam screams as he bangs on the door. I feel sick as Dean and my mother’s words haunt me. I have tried to stay strong but I can’t help the part of me that breaks. I sob into my hands as Sam pulls me back against his chest. He holds me as we lay against the stairs, stroking my hair.
“We’re gonna get out of here Millie, I promise.” He says weakly.
I can’t tell him that it isn’t about that, that Toni somehow unlocked my deepest fears and brought them right up to the surface. I can’t tell him that I can’t face that part of me, and never will be able to.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
When I wake up again I am back in the chair shackled. I look on the ground and see blood.
“S-Sam?”
“I’m here.” He says.
“Where did the blood come from?”
“Toni had some fun with her toys.”
“That’s disgusting.”
Sam lets out a small laugh. “Are you okay?”
“Fine. Are you okay?”
“All good.”
“What do you think she’ll do if we don’t start talking soon?”
“I don’t know Rosey, but we are going to get out of here soon okay?”
“Do you think Cas is looking for us?” Because Dean can’t.
“I’m sure he is. Don’t worry Millie.”
“Yeah, I’m sure he’ll find us soon.”
“Hey Mil?”
“Yeah?”
“When- when they messed with our heads. What did you see?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
So we don’t, we both sit in absolute silence. And soon I’m dragged into sleep, forced to hear all those voices all over again.
A splash of water wakes me from my nightmares. “Good morning children.” God am I tired of hearing her stupid voice. “Let’s start again, shall we? Take our time. I’ve cleared my calendar, I would like names and locations of every hunter passcodes to each and every men of letters database in the bunker and oh yes Sam, let’s do discuss your relationship with the demon Ruby.”
She stops when she gets a phone call. Sam grabs my hand as she takes the call.
“Mick?” She waits. “I have the Winchesters, They are close to breaking.”
“I wouldn’t count on that!” I say to whoever is on the other line.
“Stop,” Sam says quietly to me.
“Just leave me be,” Toni says and hangs up the phone. She picks up a knife and walks past Sam to me.
“I want to hear about your time in purgatory.”
“And I wanted to go to Prom, we all get disappointed in life.”
Without warning she takes the knife and slashes it across my cheek.
“How did you get out of purgatory?” She asks again in the same cadence.
“Magic pony,” I say and she plunges the knife into my shoulder and keeps it there. I can hear Sam turning in his seat. “I’m fine Sam.” To rise to the challenge Toni turns the knife and I grit my teeth as blood spills out down my chest. Pain erupts and quickly spreads through my whole chest.
“Where are the records that Bobby Singer kept of all the other hunters?” She asks.
“Couldn’t-” I take a sharp breath in. “Tell ya.” She pulls the knife out and I can’t help the scream that escapes my lips. She walks back in front of Sam cleaning off the knife.
“I must say Sam I am impressed, hearing your teenage sister being cut apart would make anyone talk but you feel content on letting me do whatever I want, to protect what Sam?”
“To protect our family!” I say not letting her guilt trip get to Sam.
“First you leave her in purgatory then you let her be tortured, Sam?”
“Don’t listen to her Sam, I’m fine.”
“And you Millicent are fine with me ripping apart the only family you have left? After all, Dean is dead, Bobby Singer is dead, John Winchester is dead, if I kill dear old Sam what will be left?” As much as I hate it, her words take mine away. She doesn’t say anything else before walking out of the room.
— — — — — — — — — — — — —
The door opens again a few hours later and I don’t even turn to look at Toni.
“Screw yourself!” Sam says, she says nothing but I hear another set of feet. Great the bitch brunette must be back. However, my heart drops when I hear Sam speak again. “Dean?” I whip my head around so fast that my vision blurs.
“It can’t be,” I say.
“I’m as happy to see him as you two are because while you may be able to withstand your sister’s torment Sam, I don’t think Dean here will have the restraint.” Toni shackles Dean to a post and pulls me out of my chains. She drags me in front of them both and sits me down in a chair. She uses rope to tie my limbs down. I must look as horrible as I feel because horror fills Dean’s gaze. Dean won't be able to handle this, he will break. Toni grabs brass knuckles from her tray of goodies. Shit, this is really going to hurt.
“Dean, Sam and I have a fun rule in this clubhouse. You don’t tell the bitch anything no matter how she asks. Okay?” Dean doesn’t say anything and the knuckles collide with my jaw. I was right. My jaw is on fire, my ears are ringing. I taste blood and spit on Toni’s shoes. She looks at my brothers.
“Sam, Dean, the passcodes?” They don’t even look at her just me, and as much as it hurts I give them a smile. “Not yet.” She says with a smile before using the same knuckles on Dean. Dean who is alive, who's here in front of me. That feeling of relief is stronger than anything this British bitch could do to me. “Anything to add Dean?”
“No no, I just stopped by for tea and a beating.”
“Really? See I thought you might be on for a little chat about your mate Benjamin Lafitte?” Dean looks at me. “I’m sorry, you called him Benny. You know the vampire you released from purgatory and befriended.”
“I didn’t say anything Dean.” I wince.
“I know you didn’t kid.”
“I see, well the English are nothing if not patient.” She picks the knuckles back up.
Fuck. That is all I can think before I feel a hit to the same place in my jaw.
“You bitch!” I hear Dean exclaim.
“I’m fine.” Even though my words barely pass as legible this still pisses her off. Good. She leaves in a huff.
“You sure you’re okay Wormie?” The nickname makes my heart fill. I never thought I would hear it again. I slowly nod my head.
“We thought you were dead,” Sam says.
“I’m not sure that I’m not.”
“So?” I say spitting out a mouthful of blood, Dean lets in a sharp breath.
“I’ll tell you I’ll tell you everything okay? But first off, who’s Angry Spice?” Dean asks.
“Yeah, she- she-s uh men of letters, British Men of Letters.”
“Is that a thing? What the hell aren’t we supposed to be on the same team?”
“Yeah, except they have a major god complex or chuck complex I guess, and think they are way better at this than we are,” I say spitting another mouthful of blood out. The door swings open and Toni’s cheery voice fills the room once again.
“Oh god.” Dean mumbles.
“Gentlemen, so to recap you live in a men of letters bunker awash in the world’s greatest collection of occult knowledge and yet you know nothing”
“Right what a waste,” Dean says with a smile across his face.
“It seems you apes have never read a single book the men of letters have a long tradition of intellectual excellence. In London, we’ve undertaken exhaustive studies of even the most arcane topics.” She picks up a knife and walks back to my chair. For the first time, I think I might break, and if I don’t I think Dean definitely will. She grabs a fistful of my hair angling my face up at her.
“For example, parts of the body most sensitive to intense pain.” She runs the knife down my face griping my hair as tight as she can. “The eardrum, decaying tooth, and my favorite under the eyelid.” She places the knife under my eye and I think I might vomit all over her. She looks over at Dean. “Did you know it’s possible to die from pain?”
She pulls the knife back and before I can even process the fear I hear a gun cock.
“Get away from them.” An unfamiliar voice says.
Who the hell is that, I try to turn to look but Sam answers my question.
“Mom?”
“Yeah,” Dean says. I definitely don’t have time or the strength to process that right now so I’m just going to accept the fact that somehow Sam and Dean’s mother is alive.
“Drop it.” She points the gun at Toni. “Ground.” She orders, throwing keys to Dean. Toni doesn’t move so Mary hits her with the butt of the gun forcing her to the ground, I gotta admit that was satisfying to see.
“That’s the ground.”
Toni however fights back and she and Mary go at it, it’s a surprisingly equal fight both skilled hunters. Dean cuts it short by shooting a gun off but Toni puts a spell on Mary taking the breath out of her lungs. Dean figures it out quickly and knocks Toni out.
“Dean!” Sam says.
“It’s okay, she was using a Chinese mind control technique hard to do when you're unconscious. Turns out this ape did read a book or two.” Dean goes to unlock Sam and relief fills my body it leaves just as quickly when another voice says from behind me.
“Well played.” He says. Dean goes to raise his gun.
“There is no need for that, I’m unarmed. I mean you no harm I swear it. My name is Mick Davies, please continue to help your siblings.” Dean finishes unlocking Sam and walks over to me with a knife.
“Are you okay?” He asks me.
“I am now.” He cuts the last piece of rope and puts his jacket onto my arms. I stand putting weight on my foot and immediately regretting it. The simple act is too much, I see spots immediately and stumble back.
“Woah woah woah, I gotcha.” He says and wraps an arm around my waist and I place one around his neck. I lean into him letting him take all my weight. Letting myself realize he is real and alive.
“Now what you were told is basically true, we were keen on knowing the three of you seeing as you seem to be partially carrying on the men of letters work here now that the American Chapter is defunct.”
“So you sic your attack dog on us to what, say hi?”
“Well, part of our group suspects some kind of Malfeasance amongst you American Hunters. No argument Lady Bevell went too far.”
“You think,” I say to which Dean responds by squeezing my waist.
“I deeply apologize, she’ll face consequences in London.”
“I’ll tell you what, why don’t you take a walk and she can face those consequences right here and now,” Dean says gripping his gun. If anyone gets to kill this bitch it’s me.
“She’s ours, we’ll take care of her. Now I’m here to extend an olive branch. We want to work with you.”
“Let me ask you a question, Mick is it?” Sam asks cutting him off. “Why would we believe any of this?”
“Lads if I wasn’t sincere if I meant you harm there’s a dozen ways I could have come in here and taken you all prisoner instead of being unarmed not to mention I powered down all the warding on this shack so your attack dog could come in.” He turns to Cas. “I reckon you could finish me off without breaking a sweat. Am I right?”
“I don’t sweat under any circumstances,” Cas says and I can’t hide the small smile on my face.
“My number” He hands a card to Cas. “Take your time, cool down, just think it over. What have you got to lose, except your worst nightmare?” With that he leaves, taking the bitch with him. Dean immediately turns to me inspecting my body and my face.
“Whose this?” Mary asks. I can’t hide the hurt on my face. Dean didn’t tell her, she thought she was just coming to save Sam. It’s been two weeks and he hasn’t said anything? Of course, Dean didn’t tell her, I am living proof that John moved on. But still, am I not a big enough part of Dean’s life that he would want to tell her about me? Dean looks at me, probably reading all of this on my face.
“Mom this is Millie. Millicent Winchester. Our little sister.” I see the light leave Mary’s eyes. Somehow this look hurts worse than the looks from any of our enemies. However, she quickly clears her throat and takes my hand gently.
“Milliecent, like John’s mother. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“You too,” I say my voice raw and suddenly it’s all too much I lean back into Dean closing my eyes.
“Cas!” Dean calls out and goes down to the floor with me. “I gotcha kid.” The last thing I feel is Cas’s hand on my head before drifting into sleep.
— — — — — — — — — — — —
When I wake up, I expect to be tied to a chair. I expect my body to be screaming in pain but none of it is true. Instead, I am in the back of the Impala, my favorite place. I hear the familiar hum of Baby and the voices of my older brothers. But there is another voice, Mary. They're laughing, the three of them. They all squeezed together in the front, just like we do on occasion. Usually only after we thought we lost someone, or if one of us just really needed it. They're a family, a family that I am not a part of. Even though my body is healed my stomach still rolls. What does life look like with her back?
When we walk back into the bunker Dean is the happiest I have seen him in a long time. “So I am starving, who wants takeout?”
“Yes please,” Sam says.
“Mom you are going to love this place let me go get a menu.”
I walk past all of them and head for my room, god do I just want to sleep in my own bed.
“Hey, where are you going?” Sam asks me.
“I’m so tired Sam.” I saw with a soft smile, trying to not bring the mood down.
“You slept the whole way here, you need to eat something.”
“I will later, I just really want to sleep.”
He offers me a gentle smile. “Okay Rosey, get some sleep.”
I walk to my room closing the door as I hear the three of them talk. I can’t stop the tears from coming to my eyes. I should be happy for them, I know how happy they are, I know how much they needed this. All I can think about is how I somehow have gotten pushed out of my own family. I climb into bed happy for the warmth and familiarity, I pull Topsy into me and stare at the ceiling, Topsy makes me think of my own mother. What would she say if she was here? The visions from the barn all flood back into my head, I never should have come for you. I never should have had you. I grab my journal to try and get all this chaos out of my head. It doesn’t help, nothing does. Suddenly I hear a knock at my door. I sigh knowing one of my brothers is going to pester me to eat some food.
“Come in,” I say and Dean walks in.
“Hey, Wormie.”
“You know I really hate that nickname.”
“Yeah, but I really love using it. How are you doing?”
“I’m fine.”
“Really?” He says his eyebrows raised, he knows for a fact I’m lying.
“Mhmm.”
“Kid.” He sits down on the foot of the bed, lowering his head to catch my eyes. “Talk to me.”
“Dean, Cas healed me. I’m fine.”
He looks over at Topsy and his eyes light up as if he has figured it all out.
“Your mom gave you that right?”
“That has a name,” I say with a soft smile. “Yeah, she did. The Christmas right before she died.”
“I’m so sorry,”
“It was a long time ago.”
“That’s not what I mean.” I know. “Look I still don’t quite understand why Amara brought my mom back but I’m sorry that yours can’t be brought back. I’m sorry that Mary’s here and making things weird for you.”
“It’s not a big deal.” I saw twiddling my fingers.
“Millie, Mary being here doesn’t change anything.”
Yes, it does. “I know.” I can’t tell him how I feel, I can’t take this excitement away from him.
“And how are you feeling after everything?” He asks me.
“Dean I promise I’m fine.”
“Sam hasn’t told me much but he said that they got into you guy’s heads?”
“To be honest I don’t even really remember, I’m all good.”
“If you weren’t, you would tell me right?”
“Absolutely,” I say lying straight through my teeth.
“Okay, well get some sleep.” He stands and ruffles my hair before leaving. I watch him leave and can’t help but feel that Mary came and took my big brothers away from me.
That night I stare at my ceiling petrified to close my eyes, for the last two weeks it has just been Sam and me in chains. I stand to walk to his room, feeling like I’m eight years old all over again. I knock at his door softly.
“Yeah,” He says inviting me in. I slowly creep the door open. “Hey,” He says with a gentle tone.
“Hey,” I say,
“Are you okay?” He asks me.
“Do you-” I hesitate suddenly embarrassed by my request.
“What is it Mil?”
“Do you mind if I sleep in here…just for tonight?” I say staring at my hands, unable to meet his eyes.
“Millie of course you can, I can’t get it out of my head either.”
I sigh in relief and climb into my brother’s bed, he pulls me into him tight. He places his chin on my head and places a hand on my cheek.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get it out of my head Sammy,” I say into his chest.
He just squeezes me tighter. “I got you Rosey. I got you”