Work Text:
Sometime in early 2013
There isn’t enough space, isn’t enough time, isn't enough air to breathe for them to get along with each other. They try, anyways, because there isn’t another answer. They have to get along, no matter how many times Jimin wants to put his head through a wall, or throttle Taehyung when he’s up far too late with too much energy. They make it work.
At school, Jimin is class president and top of his class. He’s a hard worker, he has to be in case this whole idol thing doesn’t work out. Taehyung tries his hardest, does his homework and attempts to keep up with his poorly written notes. Jimin helps him, answers questions that he never thought to ask. Jimin realizes that Taehyung is a closeted genius, or maybe he’s just a genius and Jimin can’t catch up because his brain doesn’t think as fast at Taehyung.
One night, it’s past midnight and Jimin is doing his math homework with Taehyung, Seokjin is watching over them while fighting sleep. Taehyung says “Is this right?”, Jimin looks over it and wants to slam his head into the table. Taehyung did it wrong, simpler, and still got the correct answer even though Jimin has been stuck on the problem for twenty minutes. “Yes it’s correct. Taehyung, I think you’re smarter than every one I know.” Jimin hopes it comes out sincerely, not like he’s being a jackass. Taehyung just cocks his head and gives a boxy smile, it makes Jimin feel weird. Gives him the sensation that he’s about to be sick, he smiles back and they finish their homework.
Later when they’re in bed and supposed to be asleep, Jimin rolls over to the edge of his bed and checks to see if Taehyung is awake. Jimin can’t tell, the blanket is over his head and the only sounds in the room are Namjoon’s snoring and Yoongi tossing and turning. “Tae,” Jimin whispers, “you’re so different from what I thought you were. I wish I was as smart as you.” There’s no response from the lump in the bed, Jimin turns back to his original spot and goes to sleep.
The next morning, Jimin is sporting circles so dark under his eyes that even concealer can’t help him. Taehyung looks perfectly fine, well rested with energy bursting from his eyes, Jimin decides the feeling last night was jealously. Jimin’s jealous now, because Taehyung slept like a rock and Jimin could only dream about Taehyung’s boxy smile and brash way of speaking.
June 13th, 2013
It’s finally the day, they’re debuting, and Jimin feels like he’s going to throw up all over Namjoon’s new sneakers and that only makes Jimin more nauseous. He tries to brush off the feeling, reminds himself that this is what he’s been training for, what he’s spent countless late nights doing. “Jimin-ah,” Namjoon says, “are you ready?” Jimin nods, tries to smile the best he can, “Yes hyung, I’m ready.” Namjoon smiles and moves to talk to Yoongi. Jimin feels like he’s vibrating out of his skin, he looks for Taehyung.
Taehyung is talking to Jungkook, trying to calm down his nerves a little bit. Jungkook is young, not the youngest to ever debut, but he’s still so young. He reminds Jimin of his own little brother, he wants to protect him, never let him face the criticism that’s already floating around about the group. Jimin walks up and places a hand on Taehyung’s shoulder, “Everything okay?” He tries not to seem eager about the response, tries not to scream when Taehyung leans into his touch. “Yes, a little nervous but what’s new.” Jimin laughs and gives some words of encouragement, like he’s done something like this before.
Everything goes well, it’s nothing like Jimin expected it to be, but he takes everything with a smile and silently thanks the universe for letting him have this opportunity. He won’t mess it up, he swears, no matter how hard it gets. (He’ll be tempted to break this promise in a few years.)
Sometime in late 2013
Jimin is, simply put, stressed. He feels so stressed he thinks he’s having heart problems. It’s late, around two in the morning, and Jimin is standing in front of Namjoon’s studio trying to build up the courage to knock and talk to him. After about ten minutes Jimin knocks on the door, prays that no one else is in there. Namjoon opens the door, exhaustion carved into his face. “Everything okay?” Namjoon asks, it takes a piece of him, Jimin thinks. “Yes, hyung, I came to let you know that you should probably eat, you’ve been in there for a while.” Namjoon looks ahead like Jimin isn’t even there. Jimin shoves the bag he’s carrying into Namjoon’s hands, “Eat this, please.” Jimin bows, tightly, before he runs down the corridor.
Jimin feels like a coward, feels like he could’ve, should’ve, told Namjoon to get some rest. That Rome wasn’t built in a day and BTS can’t be built in a day either. He paces the hallway he’s in, tries to think of why he can’t stand up for himself or say what he’s actually thinking. Jimin figures that he should probably take some notes from Taehyung, who always says what he’s thinking. Jimin thinks if it was possible, he’d form a hole in the floor from how much he’s pacing. He goes back to Namjoon’s studio and knocks on the door again, be like Taehyung, don’t be cowardice, say what you think is right. It’s a mantra in his head.
Namjoon opens the door with a frown, obviously not enjoying the constant interruptions. “Hyung, Rome wasn’t built in a day, because not everyone was on the same track. And, people work at different rates, they can’t all be at one hundred percent all the time. So, come home.” Jimin blanches, that’s not what he meant to say, like at all. Namjoon stares at him like he’s grown a second head. “I-i mean, BTS can’t be built in a day, so you should sleep, in your bed, and call your mom, or go on a walk. I think that’s what I meant.” Namjoon stares at him for a few seconds before closing the door in his face, but Jimin’s already done what he thought he couldn’t so he doesn’t really care.
See, he thinks, I can be like Taehyung. Jimin walks towards the exit of the building and feels proud of himself. He didn’t fix anything, but he tried, that’s all he cares about. When he arrives back to the too small dorms he feels bigger than life itself, he wants to scream from the rooftops that he did something himself.
Taehyung greets him in the kitchen, loud boxy smile and an even bigger hug. “I thought you were practicing all night again.” Taehyung says, face buried in Jimin’s hair. “No, I just told Namjoon-hyung to come back and sleep in his bed.” It feels small and stupid when he says it, but the pride he felt doesn’t fade. “That’s really nice of you, Jimin. I didn’t want to say anything because I was scared of his reaction.” Taehyung, in this exact moment, sounds so small that it breaks Jimin’s heart, and resolve. “You shouldn’t be scared of anything, Taehyung-ah, I’m right here with you.” It feels like more of a love profession than a conversation between friends, Jimin doesn’t mind. (He’ll later regret saying that, but that’s a few years away.)
Namjoon does come home, about twenty minutes after Jimin. He walks in wearing a worn smile and collapses on his bed. The next morning he thanks Jimin for talking to him, “Jimin-ah, I don’t think we compare to Rome, but I understand what you were saying.” Namjoon ruffles his hair and walks away. Jimin thinks that they do compare to Rome, that what they’re building feels the same as the forgotten artifacts, he doesn’t say anything.
Early 2014
They’re releasing their third album, it feels exciting now, no more nausea. Jimin feels like he’s bouncing out of his shoes, he’s so full of emotions he’s never experienced. Hoseok is excited too, Jimin can tell, he’s excited about the dances they’ve choreographed. “I hope everyone is going to be at the same tempo.” Jimin laughs and nods his head, “Of course they will be hyung, you’re the teacher.” Hoseok slightly sobers at that, but he nods his head and tells Jimin he’ll do well, to focus, to be the best he can.
Jimin finds Seokjin in the corner of the room, sucked into his phone with a skewed look on his face. “Hyung!” Jimin exclaims, “Are you ready?” Seokjin looks up from his phone, frozen in time, and nods slightly. “Of course, Jimin-ah. I just need to practice a little bit more.” They don’t have more time, Jimin wants to say. “Ah, hyung. You’ll do great, you’ve really improved in practice.” Is all he says, Jimin wishes he could say more, be more encouraging. Seokjin only nods and goes back to his phone. Jimin feels worried, that Seokjin thinks so little of himself even though he’s been practicing nonstop and putting all of himself into the practices. Jimin thinks this is another opportunity to do something, to not let everyone else take care of issues in the group.
“Hyung,” Jimin starts, doesn’t know where he’ll end, “you don’t need to be worried about what will happen on stage because we’re there with you too. I mean, don’t be scared of messing up because there’s always the step after that you can do right. So, please don’t look down on yourself, you’re more than being an idol. Does that make sense? I’m sorry if it doesn’t.” Seokjin only stares at him for a few seconds before nodding and walking away. Jimin thinks he’s done more harm than good, but he can’t take back what he said.
Jimin sits in the corner with his head between his knees and goes over the choreography in his head. Jimin should’ve kept his mouth shut. Jimin should probably be practicing his vocals, should be trying to improve himself instead on wallowing in the corner because he can’t fix everything. As soon as Jimin stands up, Taehyung appears, like some sort of life altering angel.
“Jiminie,” Taehyung whispers, “what’s wrong?” Jimin can’t do anything but smile. “Nothing, I was just thinking about what I need to practice.” Taehyung smiles and goes onto a rant about the shoes he think would be perfect for the music video. Jimin says nothing, just nods and smiles. The feeling is back, the jealousy and the heart problems. He doesn’t want to think about why he only feels it when talking to Taehyung. That’s a problem for Future Jimin, Present Jimin gets to enjoy this moment, as fleeting as it is.
Sometime in Mid 2014
Taehyung absolutely loves Cypher pt.3. He won’t stop rapping it, even if he’s off tempo and everyone in the dorm has heard him rap it ten times over. Jimin prefers it over the official on the album, although he’ll never tell anyone else that. Taehyung has started growing into himself, Jimin notes. Taehyung still has his baby face, but it’s starting to fill out. Jimin has the constant need to pinch his cheeks, he doesn’t.
Jimin likes Dark & Wild, he thinks that Namjoon is really coming into his own on this album. Jimin doesn’t really think he can reach the high notes he’s been assigned, but he keeps those fears hidden deep inside of himself. He will do it, because Namjoon and Yoongi have told him he could. Jimin thinks this is the meaning of family, but he keeps that to himself too.
During one recording session, he just cannot hit the high notes. His throat is ran dry from how much he’s tried and he’s close to tears. Yoongi is looking at him from beyond the studio and Jimin feels deep rooted fear in his chest. Jimin feels like he can’t breathe, or he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want to find out what that means right now. (He will soon find out what it means, but that’s for later.) Yoongi calls for a break, tells the producer to take ten while he talks to Jimin. Jimin wants to run away, doesn’t want to be told just how bad he’s fucking everything up. Yoongi opens the door for the studio and motions for Jimin to come out and sit on the couch (the old, uncomfortable one) and talk. They sit in silence until Namjoon comes in, tripping over thin air, and sits next to Jimin on the couch.
“I know you can do this, Jimin-ah. What’s the problem?” Namjoon never really learned how to talk to people during work hours, he’s brash and straightforward, yet he’s nothing like Taehyung. “I am trying, hyung.” Jimin tries to suppress his sob, tries to keep everything buried deep deep down where he can’t find it. “I just can’t do it today, I’m sorry. I’m really, really, trying.” If Jimin’s voice cracks and sounds nothing like it should, no one says anything. “I’ll ask Jin-hyung to come in then, you can go home Jimin.” Jimin takes back what he said earlier about family, this feels like he’s in enemy territory.
Jimin says nothing as he leaves, doesn’t even bother to bow, which he knows he should. Jimin locks himself in the dancing studio and does all of the choreography until he can’t feel his toes. Jimin lays on the floor and thinks about why he thought he could do this, why he thought he could hit any of those notes in the first place. His voice isn’t good, that’s what people say, that he sounds weird. The first tear drops down his face onto the floor, he doesn’t even care if anyone finds him like this. If they’re going to kick him out of the group, he doesn’t mind anymore. He wasn’t built for this, he just wanted to dance.
There’s a knock, a pounding really, on the door. Jimin doesn’t answer it, just counts the tiles on the ceiling. The door opens and Taehyung tumbles in like he broke it down. “Jiminie, you weren’t home for dinner. Namjoon-hyung and Yoongi-hyung were looking for you.” Jimin lays motionless, “I’m here.” Is all he can come up with, it’s embarrassing, really. “Come home with me.” Taehyung says it like it means nothing, like Jimin hasn’t thought about how those words would sound coming from him.
Taehyung takes Jimin home, showers him in compliments about his dancing, that he moves like air was designed to go around him. Jimin thanks him, in a quiet way of lacing their fingers together. Jimin doesn’t want to leave the group, doesn’t want to lose these moments with Taehyung even if they sprouted from hurt.
When they enter the house everyone is in the kitchen. Namjoon and Yoongi snap their heads up when they enter the room, Jimin doesn’t want to cry again so he bows, tightly, and says he needs to go to bed, he can’t eat. When Jimin’s finished showering and is tucked so tight into his comforter that he won’t move, he lets himself cry, silently, until his face is damp and he’s exhausted.
When he’s awake, Taehyung hugs him so tight he can’t think about anything but bony shoulders and Taehyung’s fruity shampoo. Jimin feels guilty, like he’s taking advantage of the situation in some dark way. Jimin brushes his teeth and gets ready for another day of disappointing those around him, it’s hard to look in the mirror.
He grabs a banana for breakfast and avoids looking into anyones eyes. It feels like some sort of sin, the kind that Namjoon talks about in a fervor in his studio. Namjoon puts a heavy hand on his shoulder, tells him to go right to his studio when they arrive, Jimin nods his head and clenches his fist so tight he thinks he’s bleeding. The ride there is loud, with Taehyung arguing about a type of vegetable with Seokjin, Jimin taps his thumb and index finger together so he doesn’t let anything slip.
Jimin goes to the studio, brain heavy in his head, and braces for the worst. Maybe Namjoon will decide that Jimin really isn’t meant for the group, that they’ve found someone better (looking, at singing, at dancing). When Namjoon shuts and locks the door after Yoongi walks in, Jimin feels trapped. Like an animal during hunting season.
“I didn’t mean to upset you.” Is the first thing Namjoon says, “You couldn’t do it, so I suggested someone who could.” Jimin nods, an agreement on his tongue. “What Joon-ah means is that we didn’t want you to feel so pressured. You’re a good singer, with a good range, pressure at this stage of your career can be threatening. We were trying to help.” Yoongi cuts in, a pointed look at Namjoon who still cannot grasp how to say what he’s thinking. (Jimin can’t either, it’s a curse.)
“I understand, hyungs, I’ll try- I’ll be better next time. I need to practice the choreography. I’ll let Hobi-hyung know it’s his turn.” Jimin stands and gives a shaky bow before he leaves. Jimin thinks about those words, someone who could, because it’s not Jimin. Jimin, who has to get help with everything even if everyone else gets it on the first try. He needs to be better, needs to be more like Jungkook. Jimin understands envy, understands it when he see’s Jungkook get something from the choreography immediately even though it took Jimin three tries.
When Jimin finds everyone else, they’re all gathered looking at something on Taehyung’s phone, “Hobi-hyung,” Jimin’s voice sounds stale, “It’s your turn.” Hoseok looks up and nods, leaving immediately. “Taehyungie, what’re you looking at?” Taehyung looks up and puts his phone away immediately. “Nothing, Jimin-ah, could you go over the choreography with me again? I didn’t get it.” Jimin nods, smile wide with crescent eyes and shows Taehyung until he understands.
“Jimin, take a video of me doing this.” Taehyung says, Jimin nods and picks up Taehyungs phone, he knows the password because he knows Taehyung. The first thing he see’s is an article about himself, about how he’s lost the power of his abs, that he looks bigger, fatter, now. Jimin takes the video, gives Taehyung pointers from behind the phone, and promptly excuses himself to the bathroom.
Jimin looks in the mirror and thinks, when people look at me, who do they see? Jimin doesn’t know who he see’s, wonders if anyone knows him at all. I’m more than my abs, he thinks, I want to be seen as more than that.
When they get home from practice, Jimin writes it all down in his song notebook. (He will regret this later). Great ideas sprout from insecurities and curiosity. That’s what Namjoon says at least, Jimin doesn’t really believe it, but who is he to question it.
Taehyung comes from nowhere and buries his nose in Jimin’s hair, tells him that he’s amazing for making it this far, that he should be proud of who he is. Jimin knows he’s lying, that this kind of comfort isn’t one that he prefers. “Taehyungie, you’re my best friend. You’re all I need.” (It’s a curse, he later finds out.) Taehyung just smiles and hugs him tighter.
Two nights later when he finds Taehyung in the bathroom at two in the morning crying because of homesickness and the life they lead, he will kiss the top of his head and tell him how amazing he is, how the way he see’s the world is a gift, and that no one could ever be like him. It happens a lot, the crying, so Jimin knows what to do now, knows how to encourage Taehyung to be himself in a world of clones.
Sometime Early 2015
The most beautiful moment in life, Jimin learns, is a sleepy Taehyung who clings to Jimin like a vice. Jimin pretends he hates it, but he never pushes Taehyung away. Jimin has been closer to Namjoon lately, able to give his opinion without wanting to eat glass, it’s going good, in Jimin’s opinion. Which means that he has access to Namjoon’s library. There’s a book that Jimin has read at least five times over, Albert Camus’ “A Happy Death”. Jimin doesn’t know exactly why he likes it, it’s overall a little bit depressing and little bit insane. Despite this, Jimin finds himself relating to it. Sometimes, Jimin feels like he’s running from something he’s done, but doesn’t know exactly what. Him and Namjoon have discussed this before, no insight is ever given, Jimin doesn’t think he can ever really get his point across. It goes like this.
“This is my favorite.” Jimin will say, holding up “A Happy Death”. Namjoon will give an inquisitive look and say “Why that one?” Jimin will turn sheepish for a moment before saying, “Sometimes I feel like I’m on the run too, like I’m searching for something I won’t find.” Then Namjoon will go on a rant about how literature means something different for everyone.
Jimin wants to tell Namjoon, ‘It’s not like that, sometimes when I look at Taehyung for too long I feel like Mersault did while looking at the ocean. He was dying but was happy because he finally accepted the meaning of life.’ Jimin doesn’t say that, because saying that means admitting to what he’s been running from for years, he stays quiet and nods along to Namjoon’s rant.
One day, while recording his vocals for the new album, Yoongi says to Jimin, “You’ve been doing a lot better. I’m proud.” Jimin tries not to break into a smile, but fails miserably. “Thank you, hyung, Taehyung’s been encouraging me.” Yoongi gives him a strange yet searching look, like there’s something else behind Jimin’s words that he’ll be able to find out. Jimin leaves the room immediately, saying that he needs to practice more, his turns aren’t perfect. Jimin pants against the other side of the studio door, like he’s been found out. ‘What’s there to find out, Jimin? Nothing, there’s nothing.’
Later that same night, Taehyung will curl himself around Jimin in a sleepy haze and ask Jimin to pet his hair. “I miss my grandma,” Taehyung says, “she used to do this when I had hard days.” Jimin will pet his hair, will run his fingers through the bleach burnt strands and think of a younger Taehyung, who hadn’t yet learned how to ask for things like this. It puts an odd smile on Jimin’s face, Taehyung is so much better than he used to be, Jimin wishes he could catch up.
During the recording for the album, there’s more crying from Taehyung, it’s not everyday. Only when things get really hard and all Jimin can do is hold and tell him things will get better, he doesn’t believe it himself. The choreography is hard, his feet always feel battered and his neck hurts. The doctor tells him to take it easy, the physical therapist tells him he needs to get his neck massaged out four times a week, it feels like a burden and a present wrapped in something cold and dark. Taehyung learns how to do the massage, sits Jimin on the floor in front of him and uses his cold bony fingers to ease the pain. It makes Jimin feel like he’s going insane, he thinks that he can feel Taehyungs fingers on him everywhere.
Yoongi pulls Jimin aside a few days before the album releases, they’ve done all they can do for now, they have to wait to see if the fans like it, if anyone likes it. “Jimin,” Yoongi’s standing in his doorway, cap on and mask pulled tight, “go with me to the store, we need to buy dinner.” Jimin follows him out, tries to make small talk even when it fails miserably. They shop in silence, except for Yoongi telling Jimin what to grab, it makes Jimin sweat.
“You’ve been acting weird lately.” Yoongi says, breaking the silence with a hammer. Jimin nods, he knows what he’s been like, he’s been trying to fix it. “Yes, hyung, I have.” Jimin can’t justify it, can’t tell Yoongi that the reason is because he feels like he’s falling behind everyone, that he’ll be left in the dust at any moment. “Is it because of Taehyung?” Jimin stops walking, snaps his head to Yoongi like he’s been read a death sentence. “N-no, of course not, I’ve just been thinking about who I want to be. I can’t figure it out.” Yoongi looks at Jimin, snaps his head to Jimin pulling back his cuticles and sighs. “Well, Jimin-ah. You should be someone who’s honest with yourself, nothing comes from lying.” Jimin nods his head, so Yoongi knows something, Jimin’s not sure what. “You know.” Yoongi nods, Jimin’s too scared to ask what he knows, too scared to let the truth that he’s buried come out. “I wish you didn’t, hyung.” Yoongi looks at him, again, and shakes his head lightly. “You’re not the only one.” Jimin’s heart falls.
“Am I going to be kicked out? I won’t ever do anything, I swear. I can ignore it, I’m good at ignoring it. I won’t tell anyone, please don’t tell Namjoon-hyung. I want to stay in this group.” Jimin feels on the verge of tears, he’s been found out even if he hadn’t said anything. Nothing is his, Jimin realizes, his life is everyone else’s. Yoongi looks up from his phone and rolls his eyes, “No one cares about stuff like that, Jimin-ah. Keep singing and dancing the way you are and no one will say anything.” Jimin nods, fervently, as they walk back to the dorms. If he does his best, he’ll be fine. (He won’t.)
Sometime late 2015
The most beautiful moment in life pt.2 is set to come out soon. Jimin holds this one close to his chest, he listens to Whalien 52 and feels like his chest has been ripped open and everyone can look inside. He talks to Namjoon about it, late at night when everyone else is supposed to be asleep, Yoongi is at his studio again. “Hyung,” Jimin says, “when I listen to it, I feel so scared. I didn’t know loneliness like this was normal, I thought it would pass.” Namjoon will look at Jimin in a new light, will see all the things Jimin’s talked around since they’ve met. “It can go away, Jimin-ah, have faith in the future.” Jimin nods, like he’s been let in on the secret to life. Jimin will keep that saying close to his chest for as long as the universe will let him.
During recording, Jimin’s voice doesn’t waver. He stands strong in the studio, doing his absolute best because as long as he’s the best at what he does, Yoongi won’t tell Namjoon. Jimin reminds himself why he works so hard, because sometimes when it’s past eleven at night and he’s still practicing because he can always be better, Jimin thinks if he really wants this. If this is who he wants to be, someone who punishes themselves by working half to death to keep a secret.
The night before they release the album, Jimin pulls Yoongi aside, he can’t take it anymore. They’re in Yoongi’s studio, it’s late and Jimin hasn’t eaten all day. “Hyung,” Jimin whispers, even though he doesn’t have to, “was it enough? Did I do good enough?” Yoongi looks at him surprised, because even though Jimin loves compliments he doesn’t necessarily look for them like this. “What do you mean, Jimin-ah? You did great.” Jimin looks at Yoongi closely, for the answer to his question. “So, that means you’re not going to tell Namjoon-hyung about what you know, right? I did good enough?” Yoongi stills in his chair, mouth going dry.
“Park Jimin, that is not what I meant. I wouldn’t tell Joon-ah just because you weren’t singing well. I meant that no one will question you if you’re doing well.” Jimin nods, a little dumbly, “Ah, that makes sense. Thank you.” Jimin feels stupid, he should’ve known that Yoongi wouldn’t do that to him. Yoongi nods, “I’m gay too, you know that right?” Jimin widens his eyes, mouth dropped. “No, thank you for telling me though.” Yoongi nods, stands up, and leaves the room, motioning for Jimin to follow him.
Later that night, Yoongi sits outside with Seokjin and says, “I think Jimin should see someone.” Seokjin snaps his head and says “Yes, let’s end out careers as idols.” A sarcastic snap that Yoongi should have predicted. “No, Jin-hyung, like a therapist. He said something to me earlier and I got a bad feeling. He sounds like me when I was younger, it’s worrying.” Seokjin nods, sagely like he went through it himself, “I’ll talk to him, don’t worry Yoongi-ah.” Yoongi nods and takes another drink from the bottle they have.
A few days later, Seokjin corners Jimin in the dorms and demands Jimin goes on a walk with him. When they get to a shaded area that no one will walk past, Seokjin tells Jimin to sit down. “Jimin-ah, sometimes it feels like the world is against you even though it’s only yourself.” Jimin nods and looks at the tree above, the leaves that fall where they please. “Sometimes,” Jimin starts, “I envy the leaves on trees. They can go wherever they want, and no one stops them. They can leave at anytime, change everything around them. Then, they get stepped on, and smashed into nothing.” Jimin looks at Seokjin, the silence around them deafening, “I feel like I’ve been stepped on and smashed into nothing and I can’t leave, no matter how much the wind pushes me.” Seokjin nods and slings a heavy arm around Jimin. “You should see a therapist, Jimin-ah.” Jimin nods and leans into the touch. He misses Taehyung.
When they get home, Jimin immediately looks for Taehyung, he needs a hug or to run his hands through Taehyungs hair. Taehyung is engaged in a game with Jungkook, his focus is zeroed in on the screen. Jimin feels jealous of a game, he knows this isn’t normal, knows that he should talk to an adult about this, like Yoongi, but Jimin can’t risk anyone knowing what he’s thinking. Jimin sits behind Taehyung and wraps his arms around him, buries his head in Taehyungs shoulder and takes a deep breath. He smells like the dinner they had and autumn, he smells like home in the worst way.
Hours later, when Taehyung is done playing he leans back into’s Jimin’s space and pulls Jimin’s arms around him. It’s entirely too domestic, it feels so natural that Jimin wants to throw up.
Taehyung, Jimin thinks, I’ve loved you since I met you. Jimin doesn’t say that, he doesn’t think he ever will because the odds that Taehyung could feel even a quarter of the way Jimin does is rare. Seokjin tells everyone to go to sleep, they have early schedules and they cannot afford to not be at their best. Jimin sleeps that night with Taehyung’s name on his lips and his smile etched behind his eyes. It’s horrible.
The next day, Taehyung will tell everyone that he’s seeing another idol, that she’s perfect for him because she doesn’t mind the way that he thinks, that she fits perfectly in his arms. (It’s all downhill from here.)
Mid to Late 2016
They have a meeting with management, after the release of Young Forever, the next album is to have songs written by the members themselves. Jimin doesn’t want to write his own song, every sentence written in his song journal is admitting what he’s been hiding. Jimin doesn’t know what to write about, he doesn’t even know himself.
Everyone has started writing but Jimin, he can tell the others are wondering where his work is. Jimin sits in the studio and looks over his song journal, every line is dedicated to Taehyung, in one way or another. It makes Jimin sick, he wants to tear apart every sentence he’s ever written, wants to light it on fire and watch it burn down the dorm.
Jimin is in the studio, on another day, and is singing the chorus to a song he wrote, he hates it. Hates the way his voice sounds and hates the way his breath catches halfway through because he can’t do anything himself. He looks up from the microphone to see Namjoon sitting in the producer chair looking through the notebook. Jimin opens the door and rips it from Namjoon’s hands. “That’s private, hyung.” He tries to look sorry about how hard he ripped the book from Namjoon’s hands, it doesn’t work.
“Jimin, you don’t have to hide what you think from me. I can help you through things.” Namjoon sets his hand on Jimin’s shoulder, like a comforting weight. “I don’t think you want to hear about it, hyung. But, if it gets too much I’ll talk to you.” Jimin tries to smile, fails, and takes his things and leaves. Jimin can’t tell Namjoon what he’s thinking, can’t tell him that he’s formed the weight of the world on his shoulders because of the problems he’s formed for himself. He’s in love with Taehyung because he can’t control himself, his cheeks are fuller than they ever were because he can’t control himself.
Control, Jimin thinks, is something that he needs. When Jimin gets home, he checks twitter. He wants to see what everyone thinks of the teasers and photos they’ve been releasing. It’s a mistake to go on twitter, Jimin knows he shouldn’t go on because of the hate comments, but sometimes the fans that adore them trump the ones that don’t. Jimin finds a thread about him, he clicks on it expecting to see the edits he loves. All that is there is pictures of him distorted, making him look bigger than he is. ‘Jimin should lose some weight, everyone else is’ is a comment that he cannot move past.
That night, Jimin skips on dinner, says he isn’t feeling well, that he should go to sleep so that tomorrow he feels better. Taehyung puts his forehead against Jimin’s to see if he’s warm, and walks Jimin to his bed to lay with him for a few minutes. “You’re different lately.” Taehyung says, voice light and warm across the back of Jimin’s neck. “I’m just trying to catch up to you, Tae.” Taehyung laughs and buries his nose into the back of Jimin’s head, “You never have to catch up to me, we’re the same.” Jimin stills, thinks we’re not the same, not when I feel this way about you. Not when I can’t sleep without knowing you’re next to me. Jimin doesn’t sleep well, tosses and turns because he knows they’re not the same. He feels so guilty he can’t bring himself to eat the next morning.
Jimin writes and finishes “Lie” within a few days, Namjoon helps him through it all and fixes all of the mistakes Jimin made. “Jimin-ah, you’ve done so well on this album. I’m proud of you.” Jimin smiles so big he can’t see, he did it, finally. It feels good to do something, to control what he’s doing. That night, Jimin works out until he feels lightheaded and skips dinner. It feels good, the things Namjoon said to him, Jimin wants to feel it again.
A few days later, Jimin notices that his cheeks look slimmer, that his arms aren’t as big, that he doesn’t take up so much space. He revels in it, how much better he looks without eating. He should eat, he knows he should, but he doesn’t. This is something that he can do by himself, something that he can fix without the help of anyone else. All he has to do is make excuse as to why he can’t eat with them, or just start taking smaller portions for dinner. Namjoon notices, because of course he does, but he doesn’t say anything. Jimin is grateful for that small vote of peace.
On day five of Jimin eating less taking control, Taehyung brings it up. “Jiminie,” he says, “why can’t I grab your cheeks anymore?” He sounds sad, Jimin notes. “I’m losing weight, Taehyungie. It’s what everyone wants.” Taehyung looks at the floor, kicks the ground lightly and responds, “No one wanted that, you’re the only one.” Jimin hugs Taehyung and promises it won’t be much more. (He’s lying.)
Jimin starts eating his meals, starts being healthy. It all goes down the drain within days. A stylist is fitting him, for the third time, for a music video. “Jimin-ah,” She says, “I thought you were losing weight, what happened?” Jimin freezes, apologizes until the words get mixed up, and tells her he’ll start again, that he thought he did enough. That day, Jimin eats a meal large enough to feed a family and vows not to eat again for the next couple days, it’s what is expected of him.
The first few days are difficult, he still feels bloated from the water and the hunger pains are never ending. He doesn’t have the energy to dance or workout, he does it anyways with the help of caffeine pills slipped to him by his manager. By the sixth day, he see’s that he really is losing weight. His arms are thinner, so is his stomach. Jimin wonders why he stopped in the first place. On the ninth day, he almost collapses in practice, he see’s the black dots before he says “I’m going to be sick.” He walks as fast as he can to the bathroom before he throws up nothing but water, stomach vile, and the capsules. He spends a few minutes hyperventilating above the toilet before he returns to the practice room. “Something I ate.” Is what he says when he’s questioned about why he had to go to the bathroom. The group shares looks, because they know he’s not eating, but they don’t know when to intervene. On the tenth day, he does collapse in practice. Doesn’t even feel any warning signs before he’s passed out cold on the floor.
He wakes up in his bed, an IV sticking out of his left forearm and Taehyung lying next to him. “Tae,” Jimin croaks, throat dry, “Tae, I need water.” Taehyung nods his head while he reaches back for the water bottle on the floor. “Jimin,” Taehyung says, “don’t ever diet like that again.” Jimin nods, a small smile on his lips, “I was close to perfection.”, he says. Taehyung shoots up and grabs Jimin’s face with his hands, “You were always perfect to me.” Jimin nods and places his right hand, shaky as it is, on Taehyung’s face. “You’re the perfect one.” Jimin falls asleep before he can hear an answer.
The next time he’s woken up, it’s time to film the music video for Blood, Sweat, and Tears. The photos he posts get so much love he doesn’t even feel bad for his diet. By the time filming wraps up Namjoon has Jimin meet with a professional. Someone to talk to. It doesn’t help, because Jimin lies to everyone and himself.
After filming, Taehyung will say that he can’t go to the celebration dinner, his girlfriend wants him to meet her parents. Jimin doesn’t sleep much that night.
Sometime Early in 2017
They tour, they return home, they work, they sleep, they eat. Jimin finds himself hating being an idol. He wants to lay at home with Taehyung, but for the past year or so Taehyung’s been busy with Hwarang and his girlfriend. Jimin is jealous, of real people this time at least, but he’s jealous. It’s disturbing, and disgusting. They fight, Jimin and Taehyung. It’s stupid, it’s all Jimin’s fault but Taehyung is the one who ends up crying. Jimin apologizes, so much that he’s sure Taehyung could recite what he said. “I’m sorry,” Jimin pleads, “I’m so sorry, I missed you so much. I didn’t mean it, please, I just wanted you here with me.” Jimin ends up crying, too, it’s mortifying when Hoseok finds him in their shared room crying on Taehyung’s bed after Taehyung stormed out.
“Jiminie,” Hoseok says, “I know you’re going through something, but Taehyung is having a hard time too.” Jimin nods, of course he knows, he always knows. “I’m sorry, hyung, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry.” It’s a sob, a cry for help, a cry for someone to take him far away and let him find his way back. Hoseok doesn’t know what to do, this isn’t crying over friendship, it’s something deeper, something deadlier.
Hoseok calls Yoongi, he’s the only person that would remotely know what to do in this moment. Yoongi shows up like he was waiting outside of the door, he sits next to Jimin and waves Hoseok outside of the room.
Yoongi takes one look at Jimin and says, “This is tearing you apart, you have to tell him.” Jimin shakes his head, lets out another sob that catches on his breath. “Hyung, you don’t understand. It’s all my fault, it’s my problem.” Yoongi doesn’t know what to say, “Jimin-ah, why is it a problem?” Jimin sobs again, wants to put his head through concrete. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not telling Taehyung, he doesn’t deserve this. It’s rotten and sour and I’m not doing this to him.” Yoongi pulls Jimin into his shoulder and let’s him cry until he’s sleeping. Joon-ah, Yoongi thinks, this is a job for Joon-ah.
Yoongi texts Namjoon, ‘You need to talk to Jimin. Tomorrow, or whenever Jimin wakes up’. Yoongi feels like he’s betraying some of the trust that Jimin has in him. But, this isn’t something that Yoongi himself can handle, he needs a third party. Namjoon agrees easily, already suspecting what’s been going on with Jimin.
The next morning, Namjoon pulls Jimin into his room and locks the door. “You need to tell me what’s wrong. I can’t have this in the group, it’s creating rifts.” Jimin nods, small, he feels so small, so insignificant to everything happening around him. “I should’ve been better,” Jimin starts, “I couldn’t control what I was feeling and it’s turned into this vile blackhole that’s stuck in my room. I tried, I tried so hard, I can’t handle anything anymore. I really screwed up, I don’t know what to do.” Jimin knows he can’t stop the tears, can’t stop this drowning pool of pity sitting below his feet. “Jimin-ah, what did you do?” Namjoon finds himself fearing the worst, that Jimin wants to leave BTS, that Jimin has to go somewhere for treatment. “I love Taehyung, I really really do. It’s been years, I can’t stop even though I’ve tried over and over. It’s ruining the group, that’s what you said, but I can’t stop. I’m sorry hyung, I really tried but I couldn’t control myself.” Namjoon thinks for a second, has a record scratch moment, and remembers where he is.
“Jimin, that’s not what I’m talking about. You keep picking fights, you stay to yourself behind the camera. I don’t care that you’re gay, or that you like Taehyung, I’m just worried about you.” Namjoon doesn’t know if what he’s saying makes sense, or if it’s even right. Jimin nods and clenches his jaw. (This is where he regrets that first promise).
“I don’t know if it’s worth it, I don’t know if I can give my all anymore. It’s hard, it’s so fucking hard, I don’t know who I am. I don’t know if I’m the person I thought I was anymore. I’m a liar, and I’m filled with this unwanted feeling in my chest, I’m constantly jealous. Who am I? When you look at me what do you see? An idol, a son, a brother, someone so hopeless no one will take pity on me? I just, I can’t tell him. I can’t give him this curse, it’s so draining.” Jimin says it so fast that he’s not sure if Namjoon understood him, he doesn’t ask. It’s quiet for minutes or hours, Jimin can’t tell.
“Jimin-ah, you think so little of yourself that I can’t tell if you’re blind to who you are or if you’ve been stained by life.” Namjoon says, tone low and voice heavy. “Your love is not a curse, or a burden to bear. Your love is who you are, if anything it’s a blessing to be loved by you. If you think Taehyung doesn’t love you, then you haven’t looked at him. Just talk to him, tell him what you feel, it’s not a sin to love, even if you think it’s a curse.” Jimin nods, face matted with tears.
Jimin returns to his room, tears still streaming down his face, and lays on Taehyungs bed. He needs his best friend, needs to pet his hair and tell him just how special he is, how rare it is to be someone who see’s the world the way he does. He falls asleep, wrapped in Taehyungs scent, and dreams of a simpler life. Him and Taehyung own a farm, it’s hard but honest work. They’re both tanned by the harsh sun, but they have tea every morning and eat dinner every night. Jimin cries in his dream, unbeknownst to him.
When Jimin wakes up, Taehyung is sitting on his bed with a hand in Jimin’s hair. The sun creates a halo effect in his hair. Jimin doesn’t even think before he opens his mouth and says “I’ve been in love with you since high school.” Jimin doesn’t even realized he’s said it out loud, but Taehyung looks at him, in a horrified way, and says “I’m straight, I’m sorry, Jimin-ah.” Jimin can only nod and say “I’m sorry.”
Mid to Late 2017
Jimin gets over it, the telling his best friend he was in love with him and getting rejected. He’s fine, that’s what he tells everyone when they ask why Taehyung is so apologetic over the next few months. They’re working on Love Yourself, it’s a lot of work. Too many choreographies to count, tours coming up, talk shows, interviews, photoshoots, music videos. Jimin doesn’t even have time to think about why he’s so depressed.
It’s awkward, between Jimin and Taehyung, Jimin tries not to notice when Taehyung hesitates to touch him, or run his hands through his hair. Yoongi tells him to put himself out there, to try to meet other people. Jimin laughs, lightly, and says “It’s a gift to love Taehyung, I think I’ll do it for a little longer, let me be greedy, just this once.” Yoongi doesn’t agree, he levels Jimin with a look of judgement and leaves the room. Jimin is okay with this, he decides, he is able to do everything with a smile on his face, fake as it may be.
One day, Jimin is propositioned by another idol, he won’t name names. It feels good to be wanted, he declines because his heart and body reside somewhere else. Taehyung hears about it, Jimin isn’t sure how, and asks Jimin why he declined. Jimin doesn’t want to tell him why, it feels like a burden. “Ah, he’s just not my type.” Is all Jimin can come up with. A cheap lie. He feels dirty. He assures Taehyung that it’s not because of him, another lie, but Taehyung pretends to believe him. It works.
A week later, Taehyung announces to the group that he wants to move in with his girlfriend, they all congratulate him, Namjoon warns of Dispatch and how to stay safe through it all. Jimin congratulates him, ruffles Taehyungs hair and says “It’s so nice to see you happy, Taehyung-ah.” Taehyung only smiles in return. Tell me, Jimin wants to say, tell me how happy you are, I don’t care if it burns my lungs. You’re my best friend, you’re all I need.
(He finally finds out what kind of curse it is. It feels generational, like he’s carrying love from nine different lives.)
Early to Mid 2018
Taehyung doesn’t move in with his girlfriend, he catches her with someone else. Jimin is there through it all, even if Yoongi gives him sideways glances and Seokjin and Hoseok try to distract him with meaningless activities. It feels good to be needed, he cards his fingers through Taehyung’s hair like his grandmother used to, it feels like the past is haunting him. I love you, Taehyung, he thinks, even if this looks like greed. After a few weeks Taehyung is doing better, he’s hanging out with his other friends, Jimin can’t help but feel abandoned, like no matter how much he gives it ends up being nothing.
Jimin ends up going out with Jungkook, they hit the idol parties and drink too much. Letting go of himself feels like self punishment, he wakes up with hangovers so severe he has to get IV’s. It’s daunting. They continue to practice, they book shows and travel everywhere they can. Jimin wants to get a cat, but he doesn’t trust himself enough with another life so he buys one for his brother and visits when he can.
Jimin’s parents find out about him by accident, it’s terrifying. His father says nothing, just sighs and leaves the room. His mother won’t hug him goodbye, it’s life altering. He returns to the dorm early, despite having some precious days off. Taehyung is there, body intertwined with somebody else’s. Jimin thinks that Taehyung is definitely not straight, judging by what he’s seeing. Jimin leaves the dorm, he feels that feeling in his chest again, like he can’t breathe but he doesn’t want to anyways.
He stays at Seokjin’s other apartment, it’s cold. There are no photographs, no noise, Jimin feels like the world is ending. Jimin doesn’t know who he can turn to, doesn’t know who would support him through the self sabotage. He wishes he had access to Namjoon’s library, wishes he could read about Mersault again, wishes he could take pleasure in someone else’s pain.
The days go on, he returns to the dorm, returns to practice, returns to the diet his nutritionist has assigned to him. He stares at his dinner like it’s offended him, it has in some obscure way. He pretends like he didn’t see anything, didn’t hear the way Taehyung lovingly said someone else’s name. It’s like killing himself at night and still waking up every morning.
At three in the morning on a Thursday, Jimin is drinking with Namjoon. It doesn’t happen a lot, the drinking, only when life moves fast and time moves slow. Jimin’s face has a red glow and his eyes feel hazy. Namjoon is talking about a girl he’s been seeing, about how she’s the first person to ever really see him as a person and not an idol. Jimin nods along, quips about how much Namjoon deserves this, that he deserves more than this. Namjoon asks about Jimin’s dating life, if he’s met anyone new. Jimin smiles and shakes his head, “I’m not the type to find someone, but it’s nice to see everyone else so happy. It’s enough to make me happy, too.”
Namjoon takes another drink and looks at the moon, brighter than it should be. “Taehyung is with someone new.” Namjoon whispers it, like if the universe heard something would change. “I know, hyung. I saw them when I came home early from our break.” Jimin doesn’t bother whispering, he knows that if the universe heard it would probably laugh in his face, tell him that this is what he deserves. “Why did you come home early?” Namjoon passes the bottle, empty enough that they should have stopped five sips ago.
“Mm, my parents found out that I’m gay. It’s a sin to love, apparently. I stayed at Jin-hyungs extra apartment, it was as depressing as you’d think.” Jimin finishes the bottle, puts it aside and lays on the ground. Jimin would do well as a leaf, stepped on and crushed into nothing from pressure above. “Jimin-ah, it’s not a sin, it’s not wrong. They love you, just give it a little time.” Jimin nods along to Namjoon. “Well, I don’t really care if they love me or not. The time will pass anyways.” Namjoon sits up and cracks his fingers, “One day, you’ll wake up and realize how different things could be if you weren’t so in your head.” Jimin scoffs and stands up, dusting off his pants. “One day I won’t wake up.” Jimin walks in a zig-zag back to his room, he should have never told Taehyung, he regrets everything.
Practice the next day is brutal, as always, but Jimin has built up enough stamina to stand on his own two feet when practice is over. Namjoon has been quiet the entire day, sneaking looks at Jimin’s figure as he dances in the mirror. Vocal practice is easier, his voice hits the high notes easier than usual, Jimin feels like this is the calm before the storm. (He’s right.)
A week before their new album is set to release, they have a team meeting. It’s the usual, pick up after yourself, make sure to be kind to staff, speak up when you’re having trouble. Jimin nods along, pretends he’s listening to what’s going on. Taehyung stands up when it’s his turn to speak, tells them, “I wanted to let you all know that I’m bisexual, and I have a boyfriend. If you have a problem with it, take it up with management.” Everyone is surprised, they stand up and hug him, tell him that no one cares, as long as he’s happy, they’re happy.
Jimin can’t find it in himself to join the group hug, stays off to the side and says, “I’m glad you’ve found yourself, Taehyung-ah.” He smiles back and says, “It’s all thanks to you.” Jimin smiles and excuses himself to the bathroom.
Jimin, born to perform on stage, born to be known, doesn’t want this life anymore. There is a point, Jimin decides, when he cannot take it anymore. The fan service, the fake smiles, the hiding behind a laugh. There’s too much take and not enough give. Jimin pulls out his phone and asks his manager if he can break his contract, what he can do to get out of it. There has to be a way, he decides.
When the noise outside has quieted down and the coast is clear, Jimin grabs his wallet, jacket, mask, hat, and shoes and leaves the dorm. He walks to the corner store and buys soju, the cheap kind that will give him what he wants. He sits on a park bench, it’s far too cold for the jacket he has on, and watches the stars. Wonders what he would have to do to turn into one, he’s heard that everyone is made of stardust. If he were to explode, he likes to think that he would return to the sky, look over everyone without actually having to be present.
He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t think anything good comes from it, only bad decisions and poorly spelled text messages. He doesn’t reach out to anyone, doesn’t have a plan or a letter, but he thinks about how it would be to not exist. To not live in chronic pain, or to give too much and not get anything in return. He thinks back to what he told Namjoon, “One day I won’t wake up.”, it makes him feel better. Nothing ever lasts forever, that’s impossible, he figures he won’t have to do this much longer.
His manager texts back, says ‘Your contract ends this year, why?’. Jimin smiles, as big as the moon, and doesn’t reply. Jimin heads back to the dorm, smile still stitched into his face and thinks about how he doesn’t have to wait much longer, it’s at his fingertips.
When he gets to the dorm everyone is sitting in the front room, “I brought soju.” Jimin sets it down collapses next to Namjoon on the couch. “Drink up! It’s a special occasion.” Everyone agrees, Seokjin grabs the shot glasses and fills them to the brim, handing them out. Hours later, when the bottles are finished and he’s put everyone to bed, he heads to Namjoon’s room. He doesn’t knock, just walks inside and pokes Namjoon’s sleeping figure until he wakes up with a groan. “What?” Jimin smiles at Namjoon’s frown, “Hyung, tomorrow we have to have a meeting with my manager.” Namjoon frowns more, if that was possible, and nods before laying back down.
The next morning, Namjoon asks Jimin why they need the meeting before they leave the dorm. Jimin smiles, crescents forming, and says “I’m not renewing my contract, hyung. I though I’d have to break it, but I don’t.” Namjoon shuts the door before Jimin can walk out and corners Jimin. “No, you can’t.” Jimin pouts and scrunches his eyebrows together, “Yes, I can. Do you want me to suffer just because you want me to stay?” Jimin can’t help that he’s yelling, can’t help the eye twitch that happens. “Yes.” Namjoon somehow stands taller than he’s ever been. Jimin nods his head and says, “Okay.”, before returning to his room. He texts his manager that he’s changed his mind, he’s staying.
Late 2018
Jimin practices, and practices, and practices until Hoseok pulls him out of the practice room and yells at him. It’s a blur, everything from the day of him trying to quit until now. “So, you don’t want me to practice?” Jimin says, he’s not quite following what Hoseok has been saying. “Figure your shit out, Jimin, everyone’s having a hard time.” Jimin nods and Hoseok leaves the room in a huff.
Taehyung has red hair, he’s still with his boyfriend. Jimin hates the color red now, he’s not sure if he’s still in love. He probably is, judging by how often he’s caught staring at Taehyung and doing more fan service than necessary.
Jimin helps Namjoon and Seokjin with the new dances, they’re a little more precise than they’re used to, but Hoseok is convinced that they can do it, so they will. Seokjin says, “Jiminie, how are you so good at this?” Out of breath and ready to collapse. Jimin shrugs and says, “It’s the only thing I know, I’d hope I’m good at it.” Seokjin laughs and chugs his water, Namjoon stares at Jimin like he’s a stranger, it feels like he is.
Jungkook has started inviting Jimin to his game nights, Jimin is still terrible at them, but Jungkook doesn’t seem to mind. Jungkook, Jimin realizes, has grown into himself, it’s a jarring realization. One night, Jungkook asks Jimin if he’s still in love with Taehyung, Jimin chokes on his water. “Yes, I am.” It doesn’t weigh down on his chest anymore, he thinks this is a step closer to healing. Jungkook just nods and purses his lips slightly, “You must be having a rough time.” Jimin laughs, he can’t help it, he falls out of his chair. “I’ve been having a tough time since debut, it gets easier.” Jungkook doesn’t smile.
Early 2019
Jimin wakes up in a panic from a nightmare, a scream halfway out of his mouth and cold sweat dripping down his face. “Fuck.” It leaves his mouth in a shiver. He sits up and presses the palms of his hands into his eyes. Water, that’s what he needs.
In the kitchen he grabs his favorite glass (Girls Generation) and fills it to the brim with water and finishes it within seconds. He sets it in the sink and sits on the ground “I can’t stay here anymore.” He mumbles to himself, he needs a place to himself, he feels like he’s haunting his room. Someone touches his shoulder and his scream is so high pitched it could break crystal. “Taehyung-ah, you scared me, are you okay? What’re you still doing up? Do you want some tea?” Taehyung stares at him and nods his head. Jimin still loves him, nothing makes sense.
Jimin finishes the tea and sets it on the counter. “It’s still hot, be careful Tae.” Taehyung nods and sits at one of the barstools. “Do you hate me?” Taehyung asks, voice low from exhaustion. “No, never. I couldn’t.” It feels like an admission, Jimin thinks, he wants to take it back. “You should, I don’t know how you don’t.” Jimin smiles and pinches Taehyungs cheek, “We’re best friends, how could I hate my other half?” Jimin wishes he could fall apart into puzzle pieces, wishes he could lose pieces of himself. “Are we? Best friends?” Jimin clenches his jaw and shrugs, “We are whatever you want to be, you decide.” Jimin wishes he never auditioned for BigHit, he wishes his mom said no. Taehyung doesn’t answer.
Practice, Jimin finds out, is hard to pace. He wants to go hard, do the best he can at the expense of his body. He doesn’t, he does whatever Hoseok tells him to do, like a marionette. He sings whatever Namjoon and Yoongi tell him to, he laughs at whatever Jungkook says. He isn’t himself. He isn’t sure he ever knew exactly who he was.
Namjoon pulls him aside one day, fidgety and unsure of himself. “I stopped you from leaving, I think it was a mistake.” Jimin shrugs, “I like it like this, hyung. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it, it’s easier this way. I’m doing better than ever, don’t you think?” Namjoon winces, like he has a paper cut. “Call me, if you ever need me. I’m never too busy for you.” Jimin nods and gives him a bone tight hug, life would’ve been easier if he loved Namjoon instead.
Mid 2019
More albums, more tours, more fans, more, more, more. Jimin loves it, loves being so busy that he can’t tell night from day. He doesn’t need to talk to his family (they still haven’t talked to him since that day), his friends are busy as well, this is the best thing for him. Everyone looks worn out, but Jimin feels like he’s shining brighter than ever. “Jimin-ah, how do you still look fine?” Yoongi asks, panting against the wall. “Not having time to think makes me prettier.” Jimin says, winking in his direction. Jimin, in the past few months, has felt better than he has in years.
One of the backup dancers is walking by, he scans Jimin’s body and says, “You’re not wrong.” Jimin instinctively takes a step back and nods politely, but grimaces when he turns around. He meets Taehyung’s eyes and gives a reassuring smile before they start the choreography over again. Jimin can feel the backup dancers eyes on his for the rest of practice. The next day he wears baggy sweats and one of Namjoon’s oversized jackets, they all notice.
Jungkook and Jimin are playing a game, Jimin is losing as always. “Do you know that dancer?” Jimin makes a face, “No, I don’t. I don’t want to, he was looking at me weird.” Jungkook nods and says, “He was.” They leave it at that.
The next day at practice, the dancer tries to approach Jimin, Jungkook steps in front of him and leads Jimin to the other side of the room to talk to the choreographer. Jimin smiles, at least he has Jungkook. Later that night, Namjoon tells Jimin that the dancer is no longer with them. Jimin smiles wide and thanks him. How often do people have to show up before he stops thinking he’s alone?
Late 2019
Taehyung tells them it’s over with his boyfriend, it has been for a while. They all offer their condolences, Taehyung doesn’t look as upset as Jimin thought he would, Jimin hugs him so tight he thinks he can feel his heartbeat. “I’m proud of you, Taehyungie. You always know how to stand up for yourself.” Taehyung looks away, ears colored in red. “Jiminie, let’s go for dinner tonight.” Jimin smiles and agrees.
At dinner, Jimin thinks that he learns the definition of love better. Taehyung, who has lost and found himself many times, sits before him with a smile on his face. Jimin loves him, how strong he has made himself. He seems larger than life in these patio chairs. “Tae, did you decide?” Jimin asks, he tries not to let his fingers twitch. “Decide what?” There’s half a French fry hanging out of Taehyung’s mouth, Jimin wants to kiss him. “If we’re best friends.” Taehyung cocks his head makes a face, “We’re soulmates, Jiminie. Haven’t you been listening to army?” Jimin nods. No, Jimin thinks, I want to know what you think.
After dinner they grab ice cream for the whole house. Jimin wants to lace his fingers with Taehyung, like they used to, he keeps his hands to himself. “I’ll answer your question.” Taehyung says, eyes stuck on the tree’s above them. “You don’t have to.” Jimin says, but I want to know if I messed us up, he thinks. “Do you still love me?” Jimin stops walking, stops the smile he was faking. “Don’t ask me that, don’t make me say it again, Tae.” Taehyung stretches his arms and says, “We can’t be best friends, I can’t do that to you.” Jimin stares, past Taehyung, and thinks that Namjoon should have let him leave. “Okay.”
Jimin is back to square one.
Early 2020
Jimin helps write a song for the new album, he regrets it. Friends, is such a simple term for what him and Taehyung are to each other. I love you, Jimin thinks, you can’t stop me, I’ll feel like this until I don’t wake up. He says none of that, he keeps the fan service up, hangs out with the members, goes on excursions. He feels nothing.
They promote the album, they book a new tour. A world wide pandemic hits, everything is put on hold. Taehyung struggles, so much, that Jimin wishes every night to take the pain from him. Jimin makes him tea, cards his fingers through his hair, shows him unwavering devotion. Jimin can’t help him, it’s a harrowing realization. Namjoon hires Taehyung a therapist, it’s slow work. Taehyung doesn’t see the point, can’t see why he has to pay such a steep price to be famous, Jimin can’t tell him why either.
Namjoon thinks that Jimin is feeding off the energy that Taehyung is feeling, checks up on him until Jimin explodes into a million pieces. “Namjoon-hyung, I’ve been feeling like this since 2017, you’ve stopped me from leaving the group and left me to deal with it. I’m fine, I’ll be fine because that’s all I can do.” Namjoon nods once and leaves Jimin’s house.
Taehyung still isn’t coming around, still isn’t back to himself. Jimin tells him to take a week off and go home, see his parents. Taehyung tells him to do the same, with a vicious tone. “My parents haven’t talked to me in three years. Take my advice, Tae.” Jimin leaves Taehyungs house, he feels like he loves someone who isn’t real.
Mid 2020
Taehyung starts joking again, it’s a small victory but they’ll take what they can get. Jimin misses his mother, misses her warm hands and her soft voice. Jimin talks to Seokjin one night, they’re all drinking, it’s hot outside and Jimin feels like he’s going to melt against the concrete. “Are you going home for lockdown, Jimin-ah?” Jimin shakes his head, “They haven’t spoken to me since they found out I was gay, so, no. I’ll stay at my house and try to improve myself.” Seokjin grabs Jimin’s shoulder and says, “Come home with me.” Jimin laughs, almost falls where he sits. “Jin-hyung, it sounds like you’re flirting with me.” Seokjin smiles, like a Cheshire Cat, “Would that be so bad, Jiminie?” Jimin makes a face, “Don’t say that just because you know I’m gay, hyung.” Jimin walks away, Taehyung watches him, eyes sharp.
Seokjin apologizes the next morning, “I was just joking, Jimin-ah. Don’t take it to heart, okay?” Jimin tells him he doesn’t mind, he just had too much to drink, was overthinking everything. Seokjin hugs him, puts his palms flat against Jimin’s back.
They work on songs for their next album, Taehyung helps write Blue&Grey. Jimin feels like a leech. They practice, it’s all they really can do. Jimin feels exhausted, can barely keep his eyes open at work but can’t sleep at home. He stays up, plays the vinyl Taehyung left at his house months ago. Jimin feels like a ghost in his own home, he wants to do more, wants to be more involved in life.
They release their album, fans start speculating about the songs, what they mean. Jimin wants to tell them it’s life, the loneliness. Even in a room full of people, you can still feel alone, you can stand stock still and not speak a word and no one would notice. They’re idols, yes, but they’re still human. What do you see me as? Jimin wants to ask the fans, wants to know if they see him as more than someone with abs.
End of 2020
Jimin’s mom calls him during practice, he stops the music and answers his phone as soon as he hears the familiar ringtone. “Jimin,” She says, “are you done looking for attention? We want to see you, if you’re back to normal.” He wants to gouge his eyes out, wants to jump so deep in the ocean he explodes. “I wasn’t looking for attention,” his voice like stone, “I’m still your son, even if I’m not normal.” She sighs into the phone, “No, you’re not.” Jimin hangs up, hits the wall with his phone and asks for a ten minute break. Hoseok is in no position to say no.
Jimin cries in the bathroom, the one that they say is haunted, in the big stall with the light out. He doesn’t even care how dirty the floor is, doesn’t care how loud it is since he locked the main door. I did nothing, he thinks, all I have done is love and be rejected, I’ve never asked for anything. Jimin thinks he can hear the universe laughing at him. He gives himself seven minutes, when his time is up, he splashes his face with water. “I am still a son.” The walls don’t respond, their pity is nonexistent.
The rest of practice carries on, he’s drenched in sweat by the end of it. He’s the first to leave, “I have to talk to my manager.” Is the only excuse he gives. Namjoon’s eyes follow him out of the room. When he gets home he smashes all of his family photos. He isn’t a son, isn't really anyone at all. It doesn’t matter what he does, he can’t earn anything. He screams, feels his lungs deflate, he screams again. This, he thinks, is life’s question. Can you overcome what you haven’t been given? He can’t, is his answer to the question.
He looks at the broken frame on the floor, “Why can’t I be your son? What would change if I was dead? Why can’t anyone love me back?” The broken glass gives him no answers. He wonders how fast he would die if he took the sharpest piece to his arms. He walks away, of course, he can’t do anything himself, death included.
He smashes his phone against the concrete on his kitchen island. He doesn’t clean up the glass, he hopes for courage to do something. He sits on his living room floor, surrounded by the broken glass and realizes this is why Taehyung cannot love him. Destructive, you can’t love someone like that.
He wakes up to his front door slamming shut. “Not today, Namjoon-hyung, I’ll go to practice tomorrow.” Jimin doesn’t look up from his knees, just waits for the front door to open and close once more. “I’m not Namjoon-hyung.” Jimin snaps his head at Taehyung’s voice. “Oh, Tae, hi. How are you? Do you want some tea? Let me clean this glass up, I dropped it.” Jimin stands up on shaky legs and goes to grab his broom. “Jimin, your hands are bleeding.” Jimin looks down, the blood is staining his floor. “Oh, I didn’t notice. I’ll mop it up, one second.” Taehyung grabs Jimin’s shoulder and sits him on his dining room chair. “I’ll clean it.”
Jimin watches Taehyung move through his house, cleaning his mess. The blood doesn’t come out of his floor, he didn’t expect anything else. Taehyung bandages his hands, wraps them with care and lingering warmth. “You’re still her son.” Taehyung says, eyes trailing the blood on the floor. “It doesn’t matter if I am or not. This is just how life goes.” Jimin pokes at the bandages, wrapped tight around the palms of his hands. “No, Jiminie, it’s not.” Jimin agrees, quietly, with his hands crossed. You can’t reach out anymore, he thinks to himself, Taehyung doesn’t want that.
“Jimin, let me ask you a question.” Taehyung whispers, like it’s a secret. “No.” Jimin says, “Don’t do this to me today, I can’t take it. You can’t ask me that.” They both say nothing, Jimin already answered the question. “Why?” Taehyung asks, “It’s been so long, why me?” Jimin shakes his head. “There isn’t anyone else like you, even if you try to force yourself to fit in. You’re different, I always thought you were a genius. You’re like the wind, even if I’m just a leaf. It doesn’t matter why, it wont ever matter why.” Taehyung shakes his head, bottom lip trembling. “It matters to me, you’ll always matter to me.” Jimin rolls his eyes, wants to dig up the tree outside and crawl into it’s roots. “Then stop making me admit that I love you when you know you won’t ever feel the same. Seven years, Taehyung-ah, I’ve tried to keep my mouth shut because I always knew it wasn’t me. You’re still my best friend, even if I’m not yours. I can’t change, I’ve tried, so incredibly hard. Can’t you see that? Can’t you see that I’ve been struggling to keep it all inside? Is that enough for you? Even if we live another life, I’ll still find you and I’ll still love you. Stop asking when everyone can tell.” Jimin can feel his chest shake, that dreadful decision of continuing to breathe or not, he doesn’t want to. He wants to disappear from everything.
“Jimin-ah, you’re my best friend, don’t say that.” Jimin huffs, “I need you to leave, I want nothing more than to be with you even if it means just as friends, but not today. I need to decide what I want to do.” Taehyung grabs Jimin’s shoulders, “What do you need to decide?” Eyes searching for something hidden. “I don’t know if I can continue this life, it’s too much. I need a break.” Taehyung nods, “Yeah, yeah. Take a break, do whatever you need. Just, come back to me, I need you.” Jimin can’t help it when his eyes water, or the gut wrenching sob that breaks out of his chest. “I need you too, I need you more than I need air.” Taehyung holds him, Jimin thinks he fits perfectly in his arms, that he likes the way Taehyung see’s the world. Why not me? He thinks, why is it everyone else?
“Jiminie, please, I love you, more than words can express. Stop crying because of me, please, it hurts too much.” Taehyung wipes off Jimin’s tears with his thumbs, entirely too domestic. “Jimin, please, listen to me. I love you, I love you, I love you. You make me feel so full of life, I’m sorry I kept putting you through that. I love you.” Jimin shakes his head, tries to move out of Taehyung’s hold. “You can’t mess with me like that, Tae. That’s so fucked up.” Taehyung shakes his head, “Please, I’ve been trying to think and find out why I feel this way. For years, I really just thought I love you as my best friend. But I’ve never felt this way for Jungkookie, or Jin-hyung. You’re all I can think about, I bought blue rain boots because of those blue gloves you have. For seven years, I tried to figure out why none of my relationships worked out, I was always picturing you. Please, please, believe me. I need you in my life, I’m serious, I could have nothing but you and be fulfilled until I die. I would create universes for you, nothing else matters but you. Park Jimin, I vow my last breath to you.”
“Kim Taehyung, if you’re lying to me I’m going to drown you. I’m serious.” Jimin can’t tell if he’s dreaming or not, he never wants to wake up if so.
“Jimin, I wanted to tell you, I was just too scared that too much time had passed. Let me catch up to you, take a week break if you need, but come back to me. Please, life without you doesn’t smell like strawberries and I can’t take it.” Jimin shakes his head, “Your shampoo is strawberry, idiot. Mine is coconut.” Taehyung rolls his eyes, “See, I can’t even tell fruits apart, don’t leave me. Let me make it all up to you. I swear, I’ll spend the rest of my life making you feel the burden of my love.”
“Okay, Tae. I’ll let you dedicate your life to me.” Jimin thinks his heart is failing, he can’t keep track of the beats. Taehyung laughs, light as air, “Ah, you’re so kind Jiminie, letting me dedicate my life to you.” Jimin wants to kiss him, wants to lean in and grab the hair at the nape of his neck and kiss him until he can’t breathe. “I’ve been known to be kind.” A beat passes then, “Taehyung, I really want to kiss you right now.” Taehyung nods, eyes stuck on Jimin’s bottom lip and leans in.
Jimin would feel entirely corny to say that this kiss has changed his perspective of life, but that’s exactly what it did. Jimin’s never really kissed anyone, sans the drunk makeup him and Yoongi shared last year but they promised it never happened. Jimin leans in deeper, takes everything he can from Taehyung, doesn’t even try to hold back the gasps or the low moan that escapes when Taehyung shoves his tongue in Jimin’s mouth.
Early to Mid 2021
Jimin finds that when you do not lie in therapy, it is a million times easier. It’s not sudden, Taehyung coming into his life doesn’t suddenly change everything instantly. It takes dedication, determination to want to be better. Jimin has a hard time telling himself that there is a point to life, there’s a reason that not everyone can have everything.
Jimin starts writing lyrics again, doesn’t allow himself to write anything that is anything like his previous journal. Life, when allowed, is beautiful. Jimin tells Namjoon this during one of their late night writing sessions. “Namjoon-hyung, thank you for not letting me quit. I see now, how beautiful life is when you let it be. I owe you so, so much. I’m not there yet, but I’m so, so close.” Namjoon says nothing, just pulls Jimin in tight and rubs a soothing hand up and down his back.
They practice, and sing, and book events, and release their album. Mostly all good things. Sometimes the pressure gets to him, in the middle of a photoshoot and he has to remind himself that all moments matter. Taehyung seems to have a sixth sense of when Jimin is feeling like this in interviews or in photoshoots, he always appears with a simple touch or a knowing smile. It gets easier.
They leave for tour, it takes a lot out of him, but the love he feels from every show makes his days seem brighter. It panics him, late at night, that one day he won’t have this again. He mostly worries about the military, about being separated from Taehyung, and everyone else for so long. He hopes that everything goes well, that they don’t get exploited, or used for fame. They’re just men, regular people who became famous.
Then sometimes, Jimin will look at Taehyungs face while getting in the waiting rooms before the concert and have to excuse himself to the bathroom. Jimin feels so much shame from getting hard just from looking at Taehyung’s face, but he doesn’t think anyone can blame him. Taehyung always notices, has a secret smirk while they’re on stage, it makes Jimin feel punchy.
When they arrive home from the tours, Jimin admits to Taehyung that he’s scared. That he’s loved him for so long he hopes that Taehyung can remember that even while they’re in the military. Taehyung assures him, that no matter the distance or time, he will always remember the torch that Jimin holds for him. That even if they have to go to a different country to produce their music, it’s still them, until the very end. When Taehyung is done with his proclamation of never ending love, Jimin blurts, “I want to have sex with you.”
Jimin realizes he should have waited until they weren’t in their team meeting, and their managers weren’t nine feet away. Jimin blushes from his cheeks to his chest and leaves the meeting, he doesn’t necessarily need to hear what they have to say. Taehyung laughs, the entire night, once he gets back to Jimin’s house.
Jimin doesn’t know what’s ahead of him, but he knows that even when he wants to disappear forever that there’s always another option, or something to do instead (Taehyung.). Jimin’s talks with Namjoon help him while he’s making his Face album, makes him find his passion for music again. Yoongi send samples to Jimin, says “Your voice would sound perfect on this.” (If Taehyung was a lesser man he would be extremely jealous.) Jimin will thank Yoongi for his voice of confidence, tells him that he’ll think about it when he’s done with his album.
When they announce Festa, Jimin feels like the BTS they built is akin to Rome, even if no one else understands what he’s saying. Jimin, through his highs and lows, thanks the universe that he was put in BTS, that six other people had faith in him throughout the rough patches.
Jimin thinks about Taehyung, even when they’re in bed together, thinks about marrying him in a foreign country and living with each other. It makes him giggly, makes him feel as bubble as a glass of overly expensive champagne. “Taehyung-ah,” Jimin whispers, “let’s get married.” Taehyung shoots his head up and blinks the sleep away, “Not romantic enough, Jiminie.” Jimin wants to put his head through a wall, or throttle Taehyung.