Chapter Text
“Vega, get your ass down to hangar bay now!”
Garrus’ voice erupted over comm the moment the Normandy had been away, surviving the explosion caused by the Citadel by narrow chance. Joker was the best damn pilot in the fleet and Garrus had never been more appreciative of the crippled pilot in his life. But he was less than pleased with the turn of events involving Major Kaidan Alenko after the Kodiak touched the landing pad with a heavy slam.
“What’s the situation?”
“Major Alenko is having a hard time.”
That was an understatement. Blue flashes of light flared and blinded as Kaidan threw his biotic power at those attempting to drag him out of the shuttle, shouting at the lot of them in an attempt to force them to let him go back.
“He’s still alive and you all know it!” A fist bathed in blue slammed into Cortez’s jaw, tossing him back like a rag doll before turning on Garrus. The Turian was more than a match for the biotic Marine, but Garrus knew he would have to approach the matter a lot harsher than originally intended.
“Major Alenko. Stand down.”
Vega appeared a moment later, elevator doors whooshing open to chaos aboard the Normandy, a home to all of them. “Hey, Alenko! Give it a break!”
Kaidan balled both hands into fists, glaring at Garrus, realizing just how dangerous the Turian was when it became apparent the sniper rifle pointed at him would hold no hesitation from the wielder. “I repeat, Major Alenko, stand down.”
A step forward was all Vega got before Kaidan turned to him, reaching out with a push to shove the other Marine back into the wall, giving Garrus enough time to charge forward, butt of his rifle slamming into the side of Kaidan’s head.
Visions swimming, head spinning, Major Alenko dropped to one knee, and the rest of his body crumbling a moment later as everything dissolved into pitch black nothing.
A void.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
“Will he be alright?”
“He has sustained a concussion from your unorthodox method of forcing him to stand down, but he will be fine with plenty of rest.”
“Doctor Chakwas…”
“No need to explain the situation to me, Garrus. What’s done is done and we cannot take it back.”
Garrus was silent after those words, turning to Kaidan now as he lay strapped to the medical examination table in the Med-Bay. Still aboard the Normandy. The Turian was blurred in his vision, in and out of focus constantly.
They must have taken him there.
“I will be back to check on him in a few hours.”
“Very well. He won’t be leaving the Med-Bay until I am sure he does not suffer from brain damage.”
Again the world faded from view, eyes closing as Kaidan sunk into oblivion.
Fire. Heat.
The world around him quickly descended into madness, panic flooding through everything he was.
Bullets ricocheted around him, piercing through armor and padding on Alliance soldiers. They fell, left and right; death and destruction abound.
“Watch your six, Kaidan! Enemies approaching!”
He turned just as soon as Shepard had given the warning, firing off the Vindicator in his hands. The Marauder fell with little resistance, giving Kaidan enough time to duck behind cover next to Shepard.
Back in the battle.
And then fire again.
Flash-forward — their talk, their last kiss — the explosion and then… nothing.
The hum of mass effect fields and the thrumming of engines gave Kaidan his first clue to still being in the Med-Bay aboard the Normandy. It didn’t take long before the pain started. Not from his head or from the injuries he’d sustained on the field of battle on Earth, but from within his chest. An ache so deep he couldn’t stop the moan from escaping. Tears, hot and stinging, flooded his eyes before flowing down a moment a later.
“John…”
He couldn’t stop it, the choking sound, the want to go back to find him, save him from whatever fate he was supposed to have met. They were right about Commander Shepard, about what was going to happen, about the end. No matter how hard he’d tried to believe it, the hope he had about their survival and the universe carrying on, Kaidan had lost everything.
Earth was safe, life could carry on, but he had lost everything.
Power ripped through his body in waves, empowering him to break free of the restraints pinning him to the exam table. The floor was cold as he rolled off, trying to steady himself. No armor, only the thick black weave material. It was cold, too cold for his liking, but he was so numb he couldn’t feel it.
Not now. Would he ever feel again?
The elevator doors closed with a breath of air, brushing against his skin and through his hair. Couldn’t feel again.
What happened? How was he supposed to piece it together? The ache came back, forcing him to back up to the wall of the elevator, leaning and supporting his weight as best he could.
They opened an eternity later to the top floor, to the restricted and locked cabin that once belonged to Commander John Shepard.
“Major Alenko. This area of the Normandy is restricted.”
EDI’s voice didn’t surprise him, not when he was already sure she had alerted Doctor Chakwas and perhaps Garrus to his whereabouts. “Please let me in EDI.”
“I cannot do that.”
“Please…”
His voice cracked with the strain of ache, his chest on fire, his body tingling to numbness. There was a pause in her response, a delay of seconds that dragged on for what seemed like ever.
The doors to Shepard’s cabin parted a moment later, giving him entrance.
It was difficult for him to take that first step. A world of good memories drowned in the somber liquid of loss. Drowning, unable to break the surface for air. Cool air ghosted over his skin at his move, forcing himself inside far enough for the doors to close behind him.
Shepard’s hamster peered at him from behind the glass of its small cage, fish swimming carefree and unaware of their owner’s loss. Blue light blanketed everything; blinking consoles of orange displayed the armory and, even more personally, the picture of Kaidan by the personal terminal on Shepard’s desk.
Everything was as they had left it the day before.
Or was it that day? How long had he been out?
The pressure was too much and he collapsed to his knees, pitching forward now to curl in on himself, covering his head as the first wave of mourning hit him harder than any alcohol and any pain could have before.
It had been there, he’d had it. And in a moment it was snatched away, slamming home the very real notion he was finally alone. Alone and without the man he’d wanted for the last several years. Back on Eden Prime he had seen the damage done to Shepard by the Prothean beacon but had no idea it would lead to his death. And then there were the Collectors, snatching Shepard away after Kaidan had agreed to follow orders to abandon ship when the Normandy was exploding around them. Into the void Shepard had gone, and Kaidan had lost hope that day.
Then Horizon, Shepard alive, and the news had been the most uplifting thing he’d heard in the last two years. But Cerberus involvement came up and Kaidan had been cold to him, turned away from Shepard when he’d wanted nothing more than to have Kaidan by his side.
The fight against the Collectors had been rejoiced but Shepard had been demoted and put on suspension, his ship impounded, and Kaidan had been there every step of the way. Earth had been hit not soon afterwards and ever since he’d been determined to tell Shepard how he felt. Even if that meant breaking trust in a friendship he’d truly believed would last a lifetime.
Now Shepard was dead, and he was left alone on the floor of his Commander’s cabin.
“Kaidan?”
A small voice, recognizably accented like that of several countries on Earth but Kaidan knew better.
Tali’Zorah appeared by his side, perching on her knees and sliding one arm under his own, attempting to bring him to stand. But he pulled away from her, eyes narrowed as he finally got the courage to look up at her. And the deep pain, the hurt and emptiness reflected there was enough for her to sit back, curling her arms around her knees in response. “I am sorry Kaidan.”
Sorry wasn’t going to cut it.
“No you’re not.”
His voice was cracked, throat tightened and burning, Kaidan biting back the want to cry more. Already his face was shiny with tears and Tali took notice of this as well. “We all are.” Quietly through her exo-suit’s communicator and Kaidan knew she meant it. Deep down he knew, but he couldn’t accept it, not so soon.
“Did you love him?”
White heat flooded through him again making it hard to breathe, to feel anything but what he knew was the absolute truth. He had loved John Shepard, and he had lost that which he believed — hoped — he would have forever.
Tali was as silent as the Major rotting in his misery.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
She left Kaidan on the floor of Shepard’s cabin half an hour later, silently departing in the hopes he would be alright but knowing whole-heartedly there was no chance any of them would be the same.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Cold. So cold. His insides had turned to ice. John’s lips against his own, sharing a kiss Kaidan had the terrible feeling of being their last.
He didn’t even get to say I love you properly.
Kaidan didn’t know how long he was out. He didn’t know where the Normandy was, nor where they were going. Floundering in space for some kind of leadership. Earth was in shambles, the Citadel damaged but not completely destroyed, and the rest of the universe was searching for answers. They had to be. But there was no room for answers or questions or even satisfaction at their victory.
There was only the void.
And Kaidan was caught in the middle of it, back against the side of the bed as he looked up, resting his head against the mattress to stare at the blinking of stars beyond the mass effect field covering them. The Mass Relays had worked? They were on their way to an unknown destination. How?
“Major Alenko?” EDI’s voice echoed throughout the cabin, drawing his attention to the comm speaker above the virtual interactive armory. “Garrus would like to speak with you.”
Kaidan drew his knees to his chest, holding them there with all the strain of a man forsaken in the entire galaxy.
“He is outside.”
EDI wouldn’t be able to stop Garrus from taking command of the ship at least temporarily. He was considered the closest friend of Commander Shepard, a man and alien John could trust. The love shared between Kaidan and Shepard would not matter where the chain of command was concerned and he knew it.
“Kaidan?” The Turian stood as tall as he could, trying to remain in control but knowing what he was dealing with was both volatile and invasive. Major Alenko had to be brought back to the Med-Bay, then transferred to what was left of Huerta Memorial Hospital for observation and treatment. Doctor Chakwas had recommended and she’d never been wrong.
“Tali mentioned she tried to talk with you — with no luck. Felt I would try all the same.”
It was difficult for a Turian to sit the way humans did, but Garrus managed to bring himself down to eye level with Kaidan. Aliens were always a strange sight to Kaidan, something he would never quite come to settle, and being near Garrus was the same as with any other species.
“I know you miss Shepard. I know you were only doing what you did to try and save him.” Kaidan felt the wash of sudden ache not a moment later, wanting to tell the Turian to shut his mouth but missing the opportunity to do so. “He couldn’t be saved. This was his choice, his journey, and he wanted to see it through to the end.”
No, it wasn’t supposed to be his journey, not alone. Kaidan would have died at his side, loyal to the end. His faithfulness would not stop at death either. They would move on to better, brighter things in the great beyond, wherever that was. It had only been a matter of time before he’d lost everything.
He’d lost Shepard.
“He didn’t have to go, Garrus. He didn’t have to die.” Anger surged through him a moment later, forcing blue to undulate over his hands, up his arms, to his chest. Out of control.
“Kaidan…”
“Leave me alone, Garrus.” The Turian did not move from his spot, did not respond to Kaidan’s verbally subtle warning, and instead reached out to lay a hand on his shoulder.
And was thrown back into the wall beneath the fish tank with a grunt, Kaidan rising now, hands balled into fists in preparation of another assault. “I said leave!”
Garrus didn’t have to be told twice. If he had learned anything from Jack it had to be an angry biotic was one you didn’t want to fuck with.
“Just remember Kaidan. Those who are there for you the most won’t always be by your side when you finally push them away.”
And he was alone in the droning of Shepard’s cabin once more. Dizziness washed over him, a dull pulsing starting at the base of his skull and working its way up a moment later. A migraine was starting and it was not the best time. Shepard was gone — gone forever. Kaidan couldn’t hold him, couldn’t love him, couldn’t touch him.
Was this the end?
“Oh John…”
Buried in the sheets, clutching John’s pillow as if his life depended on it, head throbbing unbearably. Behind his eyes the pain flared in a super nova of white lightning. The hum of the engines was deafening, the shift of mass effect over the ship through a form of hyper drive.
The last time he had been here it had been of free spirit, of proving how much he cared and loved the man he had worked with for so long. He’d never imagined he would have come that point in his life. Everything mean something and he had never wanted it to end the way that it did.
But he couldn’t always have his way, not when the gunfight was continuing around them, blasting through soldiers and down on into the missions of his life. All that time he had and he had squandered it.
Now he had all the time in the universe to regret.
And that sudden push of aching, of a longing he would never be able to break away from again. He’d struggled through John’s death the first time — he wouldn’t survive a second.