Archive of Our Own

Minho bows his head and pushes his hands together. He listens to the voices around him mutter under their breaths, praying to God to fix their loved ones. His mother is one pew ahead of him, most likely asking Him to forgive her son’s sins. And Minho can’t help but chuckle. 

He stops when the woman snaps her head back and glares. His eyes glance to the floor, pretending that didn’t happen. 

It’s no secret that he doesn’t like going to church. It feels like a waste of time. What his family doesn’t know is that he doesn’t even believe in God anymore. Even though he moved out, his mother still shows up at his front door twice a week to drag him here. The one time he attempted to say no, he was whipped by the woman’s umbrella. If God really did exist, Minho would find great joy in Him telling his mother that she’ll go to hell with her son. 

It’s also not a secret that he’s gay. The majority of church-goers don’t give a shit. The only ones with a problem are his parents and the priest standing in the front of the room. Minho has heard all the threats, all the fears of eternal damnation. But that means nothing to him. He doesn’t believe in an afterlife. 

“Thank you for coming, everyone.” The man at the front begins to speak, ending their prayer session. 

Minho sits back against the pew, wishing they invested in some cushions. The wood hurts his ass. He did not get enough sleep last night to go through hours of learning about a religion he doesn’t follow. 

“Before we start, I wanted to introduce everyone to my son.” The man gestures for someone to come up to the front. “He just moved back home and I’m so glad to have him here with us.” 

Minho’s jaw drops as a man around his age stands up and steps over to the priest. His breath is taken away by the soft brown eyes and natural pout on the guy’s lips. Minho’s pulse rises as the man glances at him. 

“Holy shit.” Minho whispers, feeling a thwack on the back of his head from his aunt sitting beside him. 

“Hello.” The man awkwardly waves to everyone. “I’m Jisung. Uh, I’m happy to meet you all.” 

Minho can’t look away from this Jisung guy. And once again, Jisung meets his eyes. Jisung smiles wide and waves. Minho slowly reaches up to wave back. He swallows hard as Jisung begins to walk down the steps. He expects Jisung to go back to his spot but Minho’s hands shake as the man walks over to him. His palms sweat as Jisung sits to his left. 

“Hi.” Jisung whispers to him. 

“H-hi.” Minho’s voice cracks. 

Minho doesn’t know where the next few hours go. He spent it all stuck in his fantasy world, stuck on the thought of corrupting the church boy sitting beside him. 

It’s not until everyone stands that Minho realizes it’s time to leave. Usually he begs his mother to drive him back home. But this time he tells her to leave without him. He has no issue taking the bus or something. 

“Hey.” Minho taps on Jisung’s shoulder. “Have any plans tonight?” 

“I was just about to ask you the same thing.” Jisung smiles again and Minho swears he might pass out at how beautiful he is. “I’m sorry I’m a bit awkward but I don’t really have any friends here and you look cool.” 

Minho looks down at himself before smirking. “Thanks.” He tilts his head. “And I’d love to hang out.” 

“I promised to help clean up the church, though.” 

“I’d love to help.” Oh, Minho. That is far from the truth. He hates the thought of cleaning this place. He isn’t even sure he won’t burst into flame if he stays here any longer. But he would love to get closer to Jisung. 

“I appreciate it.” 

The two of them look up as Jisung’s father walks over. Minho sees the man glare, not so subtly stepping his son back. 

“Jisung, what are you doing?” Father Han speaks in a hushed tone but it still echoes through the empty area. 

“Talking to..oh..” Jisung looks at Minho. “What’s your name?” 

“Minho.” He responds. 

“You know, there are other boys your age in the church to hang out with. You don’t want to hang out with him.” The older man places his hand on Jisung’s shoulder. 

“Why not?” Jisung pouts. 

Minho lets out an obnoxiously loud sigh. “This is so cliche.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“A homophobic priest doesn’t want his son to hang out with a gay man and of course, in this instance, it’s not a sin for him to make judgments that he preaches only God can do.” He rolls his eyes. “He’s upset because the only thing that happened to me at the conversion camp was getting a boyfriend.” 

“Oh, you have a boyfriend?” Jisung asks with odd enthusiasm. 

“No, he killed himself.” 

“I’m so sorry..that’s terrible.” 

As much as Minho keeps a neutral expression, his chest aches at the memory. He knows Seungmin would still be here if it wasn’t for the torture he went through growing up. He knows he’d still be here if it wasn’t for Father Han pressuring him the same way he pressured Minho. Even if he knew Seungmin wasn’t his soulmate, he knows the man never deserved to go through that living hell. 

“Jisung, you need to start cleaning.” His father attempts to tug him to the side but Jisung pulls away. 

“I’m busy.” Jisung huffs. “Why don’t you go home? I’m sure mom would prefer you being there for once.” 

The man begins to grumble before storming out of the church. Minho can’t help but be impressed. Even he can’t get Father Han to back down when they fight. But he’s more intrigued by why Jisung didn’t leave with the man. 

Jisung stares at the door, the two of them hearing a car start and pull out of the lot. He turns back to Minho. 

“Follow me.” 

Jisung walks to the back of the church, Minho rushing behind him. They push into a cold side room that Minho has never been inside. He expected there to be cleaning supplies but instead his eyes widen at the bottles of wine lining the wall. 

He’s even more surprised when Jisung grabs a bottle with no hesitation. 

“What are you doing?” Minho may be a confident gay but he doesn’t steal, especially from a church. 

“Getting drunk on Jesus blood.” Jisung smiles wide and Minho can’t help but snort. 

Jisung then leads Minho to another room. It’s fairly empty, clearly used for extra storage. But in the corner, there’s a foam bed on the floor. Jisung steps over to it and flops down, patting to his left as an invite to Minho to sit beside him. 

Minho follows directions, watching Jisung pop the cork of the cheap wine. He sits quietly as Jisung takes a swig of it before handing it to Minho. 

“My dad is cheating on my mom.” Jisung says far too casually. 

Minho’s jaw drops at the sudden confession. “Oh shit?” 

“He has no room to judge you.” He takes the wine back to drink from it again. “I set up this room to escape until I’m able to move into my own place.” 

“I’d offer my spare bedroom but your dad would probably kill me.” 

Jisung giggles and Minho feels dizzy, brushing it off as the wine hitting his empty stomach. “We don’t want that.” 

“Yeah..” 

“So, you were really sent to a conversion camp?” 

“Mm..” Minho doesn’t really like to think about that. “It was rough. When beating me didn’t work, they pumped me full of headpills. Instead of ‘curing’ me, I had a seizure and was allowed to go to the hospital. When my mom saw me, she finally realized she made a mistake.” He takes a drink. “She still wants to save me but whatever.” 

“Minho, I’m so sorry..that’s awful..You didn’t deserve to go through that. It’s okay to love who you love.” 

“I appreciate it. I’m confident in my sexuality so you don’t have to feel bad for me.”

“Oh. I didn’t mean to make it seem like that. I-I just..”

“You’re alright.” Minho cracks a smile and hands Jisung the bottle. “So, your dad said you moved back home. Where were you before?” 

“Well, when I was in school, I lived in Malaysia for a bit. When I graduated, I didn’t want to come home because of all the drama..so uh..my dad sent me a lot of money to travel the world a bit.” 

“Did you enjoy it?” 

Jisung twitches, letting out a slow sigh. “I mean..it was nice traveling in general but..well.. I recently found out the money came from the church..” 

Minho widens his eyes and pushes out a sharp laugh. “That motherfucker. I’ve donated so much here.” 

“That probably paid for my Italy trip.” Jisung lowers his head. “I’m trying to find a job so I can give to real causes and hopefully get some repairs done here.” 

“Honestly, it just needs central air.” 

The two continue learning about each other, Minho becoming tipsy fairly quickly. He enjoys Jisung’s company. It’s been a while since he’s talked to anyone other than his coworkers. And it seems Jisung likes him too. 

Minho slides closer to Jisung and begins inching his hand closer to Jisung’s leg. When Jisung laughs at something he says, Minho uses the opportunity to place his hand on Jisung’s thigh. The conversation cuts and Jisung looks down at his hand. 

When he meets Minho’s eyes once more, Minho slowly leans forward. But Jisung places a hand against his chest. 

“Minho, I’m sorry..I’m not..” Jisung clears his throat. 

“I-I’m sorry.” Minho scrambles to his feet. “I misread the tone. Please don’t tell your dad.” 

With that, Minho rushes out. 

---

Minho leans back in his office chair, staring at the ceiling. He blindly wiggles his mouse to make it seem like he’s working. But he can’t stop thinking about yesterday. That was the first time he’s attempted to make a move on a straight man. He feels so ridiculous. 

How is he going to face Jisung again? He just ruined a good start to a friendship. 

“Hey.” He jumps as his coworker leans into his cubicle. “Wanna get lunch with me?” 

“Sure.” Minho signs off and grabs his things. 

Felix will be a good distraction. He’s the only person here he’d actually consider as a friend. The only one here beside his boss who has his personal cell phone number. 

The two head down to the cafeteria. Minho isn’t really hungry, his stomach still a bit sick from the wine. But he needs the distraction. Or the chance to vent. It depends on what mood Felix is in today. 

They get their food and walk over to their usual table. Minho swirls his spoon around the soup he got. And Felix nudges him with his foot. 

“What’s got you so pouty?” Felix leans forward. 

“I fucked up.” Minho’s bottom lip juts out slightly. “I tried to kiss a straight guy.” 

“Well, that happens.” 

“He’s the priest’s son.” 

“Oh boy.” Felix blinks. “Wait, you go to church?” 

“Yeah, apparently I’m Catholic.” Minho groans and throws his head back. “What is wrong with me?” His shoulders fall as Felix reaches over to pat one of them. “I can’t go back there but my mom would strangle me if I tried to skip again.” 

“You know you’re 26, right? You can tell her no.” 

“You haven’t met my mother.” He sits straight. “Actually, you don’t want to. She’d have a stroke if she learned you’re bi.” 

“Oh boy.” 

“Ugh, Jisung’s so fucking hot though..I want to see him more.” He finally begins to eat. “But I doubt he’d want to talk to me again after that.” 

“Did he react badly?” 

“No..just said he wasn’t gay and then I ran away..” 

“Oh boy.” 

“Will you stop saying that?” 

Felix sighs and shakes his head. “You’re a mess.” 

---

Minho’s stomach twists with nerves as he wakes up. It’s Sunday already. His mother is going to be at his door in an hour. And soon after that, he will be in the same church as Jisung. He wishes he could convince his parents to start going to a different church. There’s plenty to choose from. 

He gets dressed for the long, dreadful day. But there is no getting out of this. 

When his mom knocks on his door, he says nothing. Just walks out of the apartment. He gets in the car and uses the ride to get a bit more rest. He tries to act normal. 

Once they pull into the parking lot of the cathedral, Minho’s dread hits once more. He asks his mother if he could sit alone in the back so he could focus on prayers. The lie works enough but he knows the woman will be looking back constantly to make sure he doesn’t leave early. 

He slides into the last pew and rests his head on the one in front of him. Jisung is most likely in the front, paying for Minho to be free from his sin. Disgusted that a man found him attractive. 

His body jolts as a figure slides over to sit to his right. Though he expected, hoped, it would have been Jisung, he never expected to see the man he dated after Seungmin’s death. Chan was a rock for him during his time of grieving. A perfect man for anyone. But after a year, Minho finally admitted that he wasn’t ready to move on. 

Minho’s throat tightens at Chan’s soft smile. It’s like he’s an angel that appears when Minho is struggling. And he can’t be more grateful. 

“Hey.” Chan nudges him. “Missed you.” 

Minho smirks and nudges him back. “I’ve been busy burning in hell.” 

“Lucky. Who’s that?” He gestures behind Minho. 

Minho turns to his left and his heart flips in his chest. Jisung twitches a smile before giving a soft wave. “H-hey.” 

“Hey.” Jisung responds before leaning forward to look at Chan. “I don’t think you were here last week. I’m Jisung. If you ever need anything from the church, please ask me.” 

Chan nods and before the conversation can continue, mass begins. Jisung’s father takes his place at the front, his voice echoing through the microphone. And Minho’s stomach twists at the topic of the day. 

Grief. 

A member of the congregation passed away earlier this week so the church-goers must learn how to process their sadness. Minho’s body trembles, remembering how they never did this when Seungmin died. 

His hands curl from pain and anger, knowing they only care about members of the church if they are straight. Of course, Minho is saddened by the loss. The woman was always nice and loving. But she died of old age where Seungmin had his entire life ahead of him. 

Before Minho has a meltdown, he feels warmth around his hand. When he looks to his right, Chan is already staring at him. Like he knows Minho is struggling with this topic. Minho tightens his grip around Chan’s and lowers his head. 

Minho slips into his grief, cheeks numbing. He can feel a hand rest on his shoulder from his left. But Jisung’s touch isn’t soothing. Jisung doesn’t understand why he’s upset. He’ll never understand. 

After far too many hours of torture, the day is over. Chan held Minho’s hand the entire service. Keeping him grounded enough. And once people begin to file out of the church, Minho springs to his feet and wraps his arms tightly around Chan. He breathes in his familiar scent, holding himself back from crying. 

“Are you going to be okay?” Chan cups his cheeks as he pulls off. “I have to go to work..” 

“I-I’ll be fine. I..I’m gonna stay here for a bit.” Minho swallows the lump in his throat. “Thank you for being here.” 

“No problem. I’m always here for you.” 

Chan scoots out of the pew, leaving Minho alone. Or at least he thought he would be alone. But Jisung stands beside him, awkwardly shifting on his feet. 

“Was that your..boyfriend?” Jisung asks quietly. 

“Just a good friend.” Minho gives a flat smile. “I’m sorry..I need some space..” 

Minho steps to the front of the room, staring at all of the candles lit for prayer. His cheek twitches as he grabs a match from the side and lights his own candle. He holds his breath as he pulls a rosary and a pocket bible from his pocket. He’s never used them before but his mother always checks to make sure he brings them everywhere with him. 

He slinks to his knees and lowers his head. There are soft footsteps behind him as he holds the beads and bible between his clasped hands. And despite not fully believing anyone above is listening, he prays. 

He prays for Seungmin’s soul to still be safe. He prays for the man who despite all his pain, still believed in God until the very end. He prays for the man who deserved to continue his faith in safety. 

He prays to find his own peace soon. 

A soft sob escapes his throat, his shoulders trembling as he tries his best to keep his form. But the book and rosary slip to the ground. He doubles over and his cries echo through the room. His tears stain the waxed hardwood.

“Why did you abandon us?” Minho coughs, throwing the bible at the altar. 

“Minho?” A voice cracks through his desperate wailing. 

He turns to reveal his tear stained face to Jisung. The man stands several pews back. Minho pushes to his feet and storms over. He grabs Jisung's shirt and pulls him forward. 

“Your god stood back and watched as we got tortured. He did nothing to save us. Your father led someone to suicide for being himself and swept it under the rug. Don’t waste your breath telling me I’m going to hell too. I’ve heard it all. I was whipped until I was bleeding and it never changed me. It made me hate all of those that let it happen. Including your useless god.” 

“Do you want to come to my new place for drinks?” 

Minho’s brows scrunch at the proposal. He just insulted this man’s beliefs and he wants to have drinks with him? The straight man he tried to kiss is asking him to hang out. After seeing Minho have a breakdown, he’s still waiting for a reply. 

“Okay.” Minho gives a stilted nod. “I-I think I need that.” 

-

Minho sits on the couch as Jisung carries over glasses of whiskey. He’s a bit surprised it’s not more stolen communion wine. But this is a nicer option anyway. 

His throat is still a bit sticky from crying. But he relaxes, telling himself everything is fine. He isn’t here to be told how he’s going to burn in hell. 

“What happened to you at camp?” Jisung asks and Minho’s stomach twists. 

“I..I was beaten and starved when I refused to change. They held me down to shove my pills down my throat when they realized I was faking taking them. They were too strong and..after communion, I had a seizure from them..they weren’t going to take me to the hospital at first..I don’t remember much..just someone pushing on my chest and another screaming in my face. It felt like a bad movie. Turns out, another person in the camp snuck in a phone so he called for an ambulance.” His throat stings as he downs half his glass. “At the hospital, my mom saw the bruises..that was the first time she felt guilty. She still couldn’t accept me but..she was pissed at your dad for pressuring her to take me there.” 

“That..that’s horrible. I can’t believe a place like that exists..” 

“They shut down after Seungmin got out..a group of us ruined their reputation by going public with what really happened.” 

“I-I think I remember seeing something about that in the news..I had no idea.” 

Minho sighs to get rid of the heavy feeling filling his lungs. “Why are you listening to me?” 

“I..I want to be your friend.” Jisung sets his drink down and clears his throat. “I know you’re expecting me to tell you I can fix you or something. Trick you into a friendship to tell you to follow God’s path or whatever. But I don’t care that you’re gay.” 

“I’m sorry for last week..” 

“Hey, I’m not offended. Good to know I’m attractive.” He laughs and a weight lifts from Minho’s shoulder. His expression softens and he sighs. “I don’t think God hates you.” 

“I know he does.” Minho scoffs, taking another drink. “Though, I don’t really have an issue with Jesus.” 

“You mean like the actual Jesus because-” 

“Yes, I know. I’ve read the bible.” He huffs. “Sorry. But yeah, I just..I don’t know. We have the same scars.” 

“S-scars?” 

“Being whipped leaves scars. You bleed even if you have a shirt on.” 

Jisung takes a deep breath, eyes darting to Minho’s body. “I feel sick.” 

“Would you like me to leave?” 

“No.” He looks to his feet before taking his drink, Minho watching him fidget with the glass. “Actually..I was wondering if you wanted to stay the night.” 

Minho lifts a brow but he pushes down all the assumptions swirling in his mind. “Sure..I was going to call off work tomorrow anyway.”

“Oh, why?” 

“I don’t want to burden you with my problems..” 

“Hey, you’re my friend..I hope. You aren’t going to burden me because I’m willing to listen and help if I can.” 

Minho isn’t really sure he’s willing to pour his feelings out to someone he’s only known for a week, someone he’s only actually met twice. It’s not fair to Jisung. He probably doesn’t want to hear any more depressing shit about Minho’s life. 

“Is it about your boyfriend?” Jisung asks cautiously but Minho still flinches. 

“Yeah.” He sighs. “But I’m not ready to talk about it yet.” 

“I understand.” Jisung gets his phone out. “Why don’t we order some food and watch a movie?” 

“Sure, sounds nice.” 

---

“Minho..” He whines, ignoring the voice. “Hey, Minho?” 

Minho gasps awake, looking around the dark living room. He stares up at Jisung with wide eyes as his heart pounds against his chest. “What?” 

“I think you were having a nightmare…” 

“I..” He swallows hard before tears flood his eyes. “I’m sorry.” 

“Why?” 

Minho breaks. He curls his knees closer to his chest, lowering his head. He did have a nightmare. One he has quite often. An unfortunate side effect of the torture he endured. The reason why he takes medication. His medication. Fuck he needs it. 

“I need to go home.” Minho takes harsh breaths, feeling himself slip into a panic attack. “I need my medicine. I can’t breathe.” 

“O-okay. Um..” Jisung jumps to his feet. “Let me find my keys.” 

Minho rips the blanket to the side but when he tries to stand, his knees give out. His body trembles and before he’s able to warn Jisung that he’s going to pass out, his shoulder hits the floor. 

He wakes up a moment later with Jisung sitting beside him. Jisung slowly helps him sit up. Minho’s head hurts. His nerves are electrified and he waits to be yelled at for allowing the devil to enter his body or something. 

“Are you okay?” Jisung asks in concern. 

“I’m sorry..I’m fine.” He bites the inside of his cheek to keep from getting emotional. “You don’t have to take me home now.” 

“Well..that’s good..because I can’t find my keys.”

Minho pushes out a short laugh. But he crawls back onto the couch and tries his best to ignore what happened. He can see Jisung still watching him from his makeshift bed on the floor. If Minho wasn’t so exhausted, he’d explain what happened. But as soon as his head hits the pillow, he falls asleep. 

---

“Hey..” Jisung looks over to Minho as they sit on the couch. “I was gonna take us out to lunch but I was wondering if you could help me find my keys first?” 

Minho can’t help but laugh. Jisung is so adorable. And Minho is down bad enough to find someone misplacing their keys as cute. 

“Sure.” He smiles. 

The two stand and Jisung makes his way down the hall. Minho doesn’t see any keys in plain sight but right by the door, there is a backpack. He knows Jisung had it yesterday in church so maybe they’re in there. 

He walks over and unzips it. There’s not much inside. But his stomach twists as his eyes catch some pamphlets shoved in the bottom. He pulls them out and he might be sick. The pamphlets are about the sins of homosexuality. One is about conversion therapy. Another from their church that Minho has seen many times. The one that was shoved in his hands when he came out, explaining bible verses that prove he’s wrong for being gay. 

Why does Jisung have these? Oh god, he really is going to try to change Minho. He’s going to force Minho into a new camp. 

“W-what are you doing?” Jisung walks out, keys in hand. 

“You fucking liar.” Minho scoffs, holding up the pamphlets. “You were going to try to convert me, weren’t you?” 

“No! I swear!” 

“So, what? You’re pretending to be straight?” 

“N-no. I..I’m not.” Jisung twitches and his voice shakes. “I just..when I see them, I take them all so no one else will.” 

Minho glares, trying to calm himself down. “Okay, fine. I’m sorry for yelling. I’ve been a bit on edge lately.” 

“Hey, it’s okay. I understand. I don’t want you to think I’m not trustworthy.” He holds his keys up. “Do you still want to get some lunch?” 

---

[Felix]: did you quit because if you did im gonna put in my 2 weeks 

[Minho]: no..took my pto because im trying not to shoot myself 

[Felix]: you home? 

[Minho]: yeah.

[Felix]: we’re coming over

Minho tosses his phone to the side and forces himself out of bed. As much as he knows Felix doesn’t care that he’s in his boxers, Minho does care. And maybe putting pants on helps him feel a tiny bit less depressed. 

Clean clothes are nice but he’s still a bit anxious about people seeing his dirty apartment. Then again, those two are probably the least judgmental people he knows. 

He sits in his anxiety until he hears a knock on the door, which makes it a million times worse. His stomach twists as he opens the door. But as soon as he sees the figures in front of him, he relaxes. 

In an instant, Chan’s arms are wrapped around his shoulder. Minho welcomes the warmth as Felix joins in on the hug. But they know him well enough that if they don’t pull away soon, he’s going to have a panic attack. 

“Are you hungry?” Minho asks them as they move closer to the living room. 

“Don’t try to be a host. Chan’s gonna order food later.” Felix rests his hand on Minho’s back. “Why don’t you tell us what’s been going on?” 

Minho glances at Chan and his chest aches, knowing the man understands the pain in his eyes. But Minho isn’t sure if he ever told his brother what happened before the two dated. Chan never really tells other people’s business..but Felix is his brother so who knows..

“Lix, how much do you know about me?” Minho clears his throat. 

“You’re gay and work in finance.” Felix blinks. “Oh, and apparently Catholic.” 

Minho looks at Chan who just sighs and shakes his head. “I don’t know if I have the energy to explain.” 

“Is it about Seungmin?” Chan asks softly. 

“Half of it.” 

“And the other half?” 

“I don’t know. Can we just get drunk and pretend everything's okay for right now?” 

“Sure.” Chan twitches a smile. “Lix can buy the alcohol.” 

---

“Hey, I have an awkward question.” Jisung says as he and Minho get into his car. 

“Ask away. Only if I can ask you some things too.” Minho puts his seatbelt on. 

“Okay. Um..Are you a virgin?” 

“Not even close.” He smirks. “I even keep a condom and a lube packet in my wallet because I use them far too often.”

“O-okay..Um..you can ask your questions now.” 

Minho smiles and shakes his head as Jisung pretends he isn’t blushing. “Sure. How’d you get an apartment so quickly?” 

“Well..I have a confession to make..” He turns into the parking lot and stares in confusion as Minho begins to laugh. “What?” 

“Guess I’m staying with you again.” 

“Oh. Oh shit. I’m sorry, I wasn’t even thinking.” He laughs. “Want to hang out for dinner?” 

“Sure. What’s the confession?” 

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.” Jisung places his hands together and pouts. “I may sell weed.” 

“You had pot this entire time and didn’t tell me?” Minho widens his eyes. “I’m so offended.” 

“Wanna smoke?” 

---

“So, what made you give up on God completely?” Jisung asks as the two stare at the stars while lying in the grass. 

“God gave up on me.” Minho replies simply but his chest aches at the thought. “I was always pretty agnostic with my views but after everything that happened and seeing how the church acted about it, I couldn’t hold any belief anymore. Why do you still believe in God?” 

“I guess..He makes me feel like I’m strong enough to get through the toughest days. My faith gives me some sort of guidance for my life. I don’t know. I guess it gives me motivation to actually live the life God gifted to me.” 

“You make your own path in life. That’s the whole point of living.” Minho sighs before focusing on a particularly bright star. “I don’t want to shit on anyone who is religious. I just don’t see the point in worshiping someone who allows bad things to happen to good people and who throws a fit when things don’t go his way.” 

Jisung chuckles and rolls to his side to look at Minho. “Fair points. But what about when you don’t feel motivated or you feel yourself slipping into a depression? Who are you supposed to reach out to for help?” 

“Those who are actually here by your side in physical form. If you want to think about it in a religious way, God made those people to be there for each other.”

“You’re really interesting.” 

Minho smirks and turns to face Jisung. “How so?” 

“It feels like you’ve lived two separate lives.” 

“I have. I just chose to live my life as freely as I could. I mean, I hate my job and I need therapy but it’s up to me to be the person I want to be.” 

---

Minho yawns as he wakes up to rain beating against the windows. Looks like this is going to be a lazy day in. He’ll make some warm food and curl up on the couch. Or maybe take a few naps. It just depends on what his depression allows today. He was finally able to get a day off from church, using the only excuse that works. Lying about having the flu. 

He sighs, not wanting to get out of bed. There’s another full week of his vacation and he isn’t sure what to do with himself. Part of him wonders if it’s time to go to the Great Gay Bar in Hell so he doesn’t have to feel so tired all the time. 

But every time he thinks about giving up, Jisung pops into his mind. 

Jisung is so..pretty and nice and understanding. The more Minho hangs out with him, the less he feels like Jisung will try to shove homophobic rhetoric down his throat. Getting to know Jisung is probably the only form of peace he has besides being alone. 

Minho’s body jolts in the air as someone knocks on this front door. As much as he doesn’t have the energy, he pushes from bed and makes his way down the hall. 

His pulse speeds as he meets Chan’s eyes after opening the door. Chan’s soft smile instantly soothes him. 

“Hey.” Chan steps inside. “I didn’t see you today so I was worried about you.” 

“I’m not the greatest if I’m being honest.” Minho blinks, eyelids feeling heavy. “I need a fucking hug.” 

In an instant, Chan’s arms are wrapped around his shoulders. It’s so comforting. Minho feels guilty for breaking up with Chan. But he knew he wasn’t ready back then and now he is too focused on a man he’ll most likely never have. 

“Have you ever been too tired to do anything but sleep even though you slept like 11 hours last night?” Minho asks as he pulls away. 

“Several times.” 

Before Minho can ask another question, there’s a second knock on the door. His head hurts from the noise but his pulse speeds as Jisung greets him as he opens it. 

“Hey, I just wanted to check on you.” Jisung twitches, Minho seeing his eyes dart to Chan for a second. “Oh, I’m sorry..I didn’t mean to interrupt.” 

“No, you’re fine.” Minho jumps forward, desperate to keep Jisung from leaving. “He came to check on me too.” 

“I also have to go to work soon so I can’t really stay anyway.” Chan adds, as much as that saddens Minho. The man turns to Minho and hugs him again a bit tighter than before. “Call me if you need anything.” 

“I won’t.” Minho forces a smile before Chan makes his exit. 

He looks over at Jisung, who is trying his hardest not to seem awkward and failing miserably. Minho can’t help but feel butterflies in his stomach at how cute he is. It’s a shame that he isn’t going to have a chance with him. 

“Do you want to hang out?” Minho asks, desperate to get out of his mind for once. “I can order us food and maybe we could..I don’t know..” 

“Sure. But why don’t you take a nap while we wait for the food to get here?” Jisung finally properly steps inside and takes his shoes off. “You look like you’re gonna fall over.” 

“I haven’t been able to sleep. Too many nightmares..they’re hard to deal with alone.” 

Jisung walks over to the couch and pats the cushion. “At least rest your eyes, I’ll be here to protect you.” 

Minho’s cheek twitches. He can’t believe someone other than Chan is willing to be here for Minho in such a way. He can’t believe he has gotten close to someone he feels safe around again after too many years of being guarded. 

His feet move for him, settling next to Jisung. He hesitates slightly to lie against the throw pillow. Jisung’s here so he wants to hang out with him. But once his body relaxes into the couch completely, his eyes heavy. They can talk when the food gets here..

---

“So, what’s your type?” Jisung nudges Minho as the two stroll through the grocery store. 

“Oh uh..” Minho stumbles into the cart. “Well, I like guys about my height. Maybe a bit nerdy and a nice smile. I want someone who can be silly with me but also knows when to be serious. I know I can be a lot to handle so I guess someone who can handle me.” 

“You’re not a lot to handle.” 

“Yeah, right.” He scoffs but turns away to hide the smile creeping on his face. “What about you?” 

“Oh god, I don’t even know. I’ve never dated.” 

“Oh yeah? So you’ve never even kissed anyone?” 

Jisung drops the can of tuna he was attempting to place in the cart. “I’ve had one really awkward kiss when I was like five. I mean I barely remember it but I do remember it being awkward.” 

“Were you awkward or her?” 

“Uhh..I-I was awkward.” Jisung’s face instantly flushes. “Big surprise, right?” 

Minho shrugs but stays hiding his own expression. “I never would have guessed.” 

The two finish grocery shopping for Jisung’s house, barely speaking while checking out. Minho can tell Jisung is being his awkward self but he’s not sure about what. 

That is until Minho gets everything packed into Jisung’s trunk. Jisung is already sitting in the driver’s seat, turning the car on once Minho gets in beside him. Minho glances at the man, but before he can ask if everything’s okay, Jisung turns on the music and pulls out of the parking lot. 

Oh, Minho is so curious about what’s on Jisung’s mind. 

They were only talking about kissing. Nothing too crazy. But maybe it flustered Jisung a bit. But Minho isn’t sure why that would fluster anyone. Unless Jisung has a crush he hasn’t talked about. 

The drive is fairly quiet as well, Jisung keeping the music turned low but they’re still able to hear it. Minho just scrolls on his phone up until the car is parked in Jisung’s lot. It’s peaceful now that Minho isn’t focusing on the awkward air. 

Maybe he was just overthinking. 

“Could you..help me kiss properly?” Jisung whispers. 

“Huh?” Minho absolutely didn’t hear correctly. 

“I want to know how to kiss and uh..you have experience. I mean- our lips don’t have to touch I just don’t even know where to start in general.” 

“Are you okay?” 

“I’m totally okay. Um. Nevermind about if you’re uncomfortable with-” 

Minho unbuckles his seatbelt and leans closer to Jisung, resting his hand against the man’s cheek. Jisung freezes but doesn’t pull away. Just stares with wide eyes. 

“That always flusters whoever you’re kissing.” Minho smirks. 

“W-what do you do next?” 

“You lean in slowly..and..” 

The two jump as the driver’s side door is ripped open. They rip away, Minho’s stomach twisting at the figure grabbing Jisung’s arm. 

“Han Jisung, what the hell are you doing?” His father attempts to pull Jisung out of the car. 

Minho scrambles to reach for Jisung’s other arm to pull him back but the man is stronger than him. He gets out and tries to rush over but Father Han pushes him back. 

“Don’t you dare touch him again.” The man glares. “Get away from him.” 

“We weren't doing anything!” Jisung yells, yanking his arm free. 

“Jisung, I swear to God if we have to send you back to-” 

“Therapy? I don’t need to see a religious therapist. I need a real one to deal with the bullshit you put me through.” 

“Go to your apartment.” His father shoves him towards the building. He turns to Minho. “I never want to see you near my son again.” 

“My keys are on his table.” Minho wishes he wasn’t filled with fear. But this man doesn’t control him. He doesn’t control Jisung. “I’m going to get them. If you touch me, I will ruin your career.” 

“Minho.” 

“Taesoo?” Minho lifts a brow. “I know what you did with the money for the church and your dumbass decided to have an affair with my aunt.” He looks behind him to see Jisung still standing at the entrance. “I’m going to go back to hanging out with my friend. Why don’t you go home and sign those divorce papers?” 

The man twitches but storms off to his car. Minho doesn’t move until he’s certain Jisung’s father drives out of the lot. 

His body trembles and he leans against Jisung’s car to steady himself. He hates confrontation. He hates Father Han. He hates that Jisung ever had to grow up with the man. 

“Minho?” Jisung shouts out, Minho hearing him jog over. 

But Minho’s chest tightens. His vision blurs, the threats of therapy echoing in his mind. The threats weren’t even towards him. But he can’t breathe. His cheeks feel numb. He’s so dizzy. 

Jisung catches him just as he slips to the pavement. Minho flinches and curls into himself. He waits to be reprimanded for speaking up. He waits for Jisung to agree with his father. Or worse. Jisung is going to kill himself and Minho is going to find him dead. 

“Minho, breathe.” Jisung is crying now. This is all Minho’s fault. 

“I’m sorry.” Minho gasps for air. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Why?” 

“He’s going to force you into therapy and it’s all my fault.” 

“No it’s not. And he can’t force me to do shit anymore.” Jisung carefully pulls Minho to sit up against the car. “I promise. Everything will be okay.” 

-

“Therapy?” Minho asks as he places a pill in his mouth, washing it down with water Jisung got for him. “Like..conversion therapy?” 

“No..” Jisung mumbles. 

“Are you lying to me?” 

“I’m not..I’m pretty certain I’m..straight. I think.” 

“You think?” 

“My first kiss was actually a boy..” Jisung lowers his head. “I mean..I didn’t think it was wrong..it didn’t feel wrong. But my dad found out about it from a teacher or something and..from then until I moved to Malaysia, I had to go to this religious therapy to make sure I didn’t stray off God’s path or something.” He sighs and shrugs. “When I was a kid I had no idea what was happening. Fuck, I didn’t even know God wasn’t some dude literally watching me in the clouds at the time. How would I know kissing a guy could ever be seen as bad?” 

“It’s not bad.” 

“Exactly! I mean, I was kinda forced to never look at another person with ‘lust’ in my eyes or whatever the fuck. Which confused me since all the adults in my life were married. When I was traveling, my thoughts of religion wavered a bit because I didn’t like how restrictive it felt. But when I came back home, I realized it was mainly my dad restricting me.” 

“There’s a lot of restrictions in religion too.” 

“Yeah but the shit my dad’s done to so many people, he deserves to burn in hell.” 

Minho snorts but shakes his head. “No, no..if I’m going to hell, he needs to go to the void instead.” 

The two jump as there’s a knock on the door. Minho snaps his head over to Jisung, forgetting they’re adults and not getting caught skipping school or something. His stomach twists as Jisung stands. 

“Who is it?” Minho whispers. 

“I don’t know. Hopefully not my dad..” Jisung whispers back as he reaches for the door knob. They both stare as he opens the door. “Oh shit, hey!” 

“Who is it?” Minho asks again, leaning forward to see. “Lix?” 

Felix walks inside with a very confused look on his face. “Minho? Wait.” He turns back to Jisung. “Oh my god, he’s the Jisung you told me about?” 

“Uh..yeah? How do you know each other?” 

Jisung awkwardly walks over with a chuckle. “Uhh, Felix is the reason you have weed.” 

“Lee Felix, you had pot this entire time and didn’t tell me?” Minho’s eyes widen in offense.

“You’re both Catholic?” Felix responds.

“You’re Catholic!” 

“Yeah but I go to a cool church. Isn’t yours like super homophobic and shit?” 

“Just his dad.” 

“Oh boy. I’m just adding to the mess.”

---

Minho is determined to have a normal, relaxing day today. Chan had asked to take him out for lunch. At first, Minho wanted to turn it down. But he really wants Chan’s energy right now. He also knows locking himself in his apartment for several days isn’t healthy. 

Maybe he should try therapy again. Eventually, Chan will most likely go back to Australia and Minho won’t be able to rely on him once again. And as much as Minho want to get closer to Jisung, he isn’t ready to open up to him about everything. Yeah Jisung knows about the camp. But he doesn’t know just how fucked Minho is. 

Minho is far from ready to show someone his worst days. The only person alive who has seen that is Chan. When he was in therapy, he was still too numb to really show any of his emotions yet. 

He checks the time and realizes he’s supposed to meet Chan in half an hour. So he gets out of bed to put on whatever clean casual clothes he has in his hamper. And he’s absolutely fine with black sweats and a grey shirt. Chan doesn’t give a shit what he wears and neither does Minho. 

He grabs his keys and wallet before making his way to the restaurant Minho and Chan used to go to every Friday when they dated. It’s familiar. Safe. Comfortable. 

And despite not coming here for years, everything looks exactly the same. Including Chan sitting in their usual spot in the corner. 

“Hey.” Minho slides into the chair across from Chan. “How are you?” 

“Living life. You?” Chan smiles that same soft smile that always makes Minho’s heart melt. 

“Still feeling a little low but I’m trying to get back above water.” He doesn’t even bother looking at the menu, knowing he’s going to get the same thing he always got. “I’m really glad you’re back.” 

“Me too.” 

“I’m really conflicted and I need your help with it.” He lets out a slow breath but his brows scrunch when Chan’s smile widens. “What?” 

“I’m proud of you for asking for help with something.” 

“It’s not that big of a deal..especially when it’s..about a stupid crush.” 

“A crush?” Chan chuckles. “On who?” 

“Someone I can’t have. But..I..I still do love you and at least I know you’re gay.” 

Minho’s cheeks numb as he notices two figures walking into the restaurant. He sees Jisung’s emotionless face walking beside his father. It kills Minho to know Jisung doesn’t want to be here. Especially when his eyes shine for the brief moment he meets Minho’s gaze but it falters when his father tugs him to the table across from them. 

Father Han didn’t notice Minho. He’s too focused on the menu. That’s good. 

“Min?” Chan kicks his foot to get his attention. “You good?” 

“Mm. Can I sit beside you instead?” Minho asks, standing before he even gets the answer. He slides in the booth beside Chan “Thanks.” 

“Uh, you’re welcome?” 

The two get their food and begin to eat quietly. Minho can feel Jisung’s eyes on him constantly but there’s nothing Minho can really do about it. He doesn't want to start anything in public. Of course, he wouldn’t cause a scene but who knows what Father Han would do..

Minho looks at Chan and his heart flips in his chest. He really does love Chan. But he knows he isn’t strong enough to stay with someone who lives in another country for months at a time. 

Maybe he doesn’t actually love Chan. Maybe he’s attaching to the only comfort he truly knows. That’s what his old therapist told him when he first started dating Chan..when Minho told her he was apprehensive about dating but he needed Chan’s presence. But fuck it, he loves the feeling and he’ll chase it until he can’t. 

Minho rests his head on Chan’s shoulder, a smile twitching on his lips when Chan rests a hand on his thigh. Chan turns to press a soft kiss to Minho’s temple. It’s nice. 

Until Minho looks at Jisung. Who is staring at him. The look feels..sad. There’s a desperate want in the expression that Minho has only seen with one other person. But it feels less about Minho and more longing for any type of connection. 

The rest of the meal is quiet, Chan continuing his soft and comforting touches. But right as the two stand to go pay, Father Han looks over. And for some reason, Minho’s rebellious side bubbles up. The glare from the man makes Minho turn and pull Chan into a kiss. 

Though it does feel warm, Minho is hit with guilt that he isn’t doing this out of love. He’s doing it to piss off an old man. 

“Can you stay the night?” Minho asks, but this time it’s truly what he wants. 

“Sure.” Chan says before pressing another soft kiss against his lips. 

The two walk to the front counter to pay and Minho can’t help but overhear Jisung telling his father that he is going home. But Minho’s stomach twists as Jisung’s father yells for him to sit down in a hushed tone. Of course, the man has never been able to control his whispers so it’s heard all the way from the front. 

As much as Minho wants to turn and tell Jisung to come home with him, he follows Chan out to the parking lot. He takes Chan’s hand on the walk back to their cars. He focuses on Chan as the man wraps his arm around his waist and pulls him into another kiss. 

“I know you don’t want a relationship. But I’ll happily give you comfort while you figure things out.” Chan says and when Minho reads his face, he doesn’t think he’s lying. 

“Thank you.” 

“Han Jisung, why are you ignoring me?” The two look back to see Jisung walking to his car, his father rushing behind him. 

Minho freezes in place at the man’s loud voice. His stomach twists in nerves as he watches Jisung get in his car, Father Han turning his attention to Minho and Chan. Minho holds his breath but forces himself to stand tall when the man approaches. 

“What the hell are you doing trying to shove your nonsense into my son’s face?” The man seethes. 

“I wasn’t doing anything.” Minho scoffs. 

“You’re confusing my son and I’m tired of it. You will not come anywhere near him. Do not come back to my church.” 

“Oh my god, miracles do exist.” He rolls his eyes. “You have no control over who Jisung hangs out with.” 

“If I see you two together, you will regret it.” 

“Did you just threaten me?” 

“Minho, come on..let’s go.” Chan steps in, tugging Minho to the driver’s side of his car. “I’ll meet you at your place.” 

“Don’t start anything..” Minho whines. 

“When do I ever get involved in drama?” 

“You dated me for a year.” 

“Fair. Now go.” 

-

Minho’s body shakes in rage. He knows what that man is going to do if he really thinks Jisung is gay. It terrifies him. Jisung is going to be put through hell. It’s all Minho’s fault. It’s always Minho’s fault. It was his fault Seungmin was taken to the camp. JIsung is going to kill himself. 

“Minho?” 

He turns to see Chan walking through the front door but once he speaks again, the words are completely muted. The room spins and Minho attempts to lower himself to the floor. His hands shake as he reaches into his pocket for his medicine. It might be too late to help the panic attack but he needs it. 

Chan rushes over and pulls Minho into his arms. It’s nice but all he feels is guilt. What if Chan wasn’t gay when they met at church and Minho forced him into it? No he knows that’s not true. Chan told him he came out when he was thirteen. That’s the only thing Minho can find illogical in his panic. 

“It’s okay, Minho. Just breathe for me.” Chan soothes him, repeating the words until Minho’s breathing begins to slow. 

His body still trembles and he still feels his pulse in his head but Minho is calm enough to actually take his medicine. The two sit on the floor until Minho is ready. His nerves are still on fire but he isn’t breaking down anymore. 

The two look up as there’s a soft knock at the door. Minho can probably guess who it is. He asks Chan to answer it, despite his mind still stuck in a spiral. Maybe the extra attention will snap him out of this. 

He looks up to see Jisung slowly stepping over. Minho lowers his head to hide his blotchy cheeks. Jisung sits in front of him, Minho feeling his eyes on him. 

“That motherfucker ruined me..” Minho mumbles. 

“No he didn’t. You’re stronger than the bullshit you were put through.” Jisung reaches over to rest a hand on his thigh. 

“I was sixteen, Jisung. The only thing I was certain about in life was my sexuality. Your dad caught Seungmin and I holding hands, told my parents and they thought about sending me back to a boarding school. But Father Han told them his close friends knew how to fix me.” 

“Maybe he didn’t know how bad it was?” 

“He visited constantly. Including when my roommate was being paddled.” Minho takes a deep breath. “Part of me wondered if he didn’t realize it was the mid 2000’s.” He finally looks up at Jisung. “I know he’s your dad so you’re going to struggle to see him as a completely bad person, but when the rest of the church found out I was gay, none of them looked at me differently.” 

“He’s just misguided.” 

“Then ask God to get him back on path.” Minho glares. “Because that piece of shit never listened to any of my prayers.” 

---

Minho keeps his head low as he walks into the church. He tries his best to keep his head low. He tries to sit on the back once again. Next to Chan. But his mother yanks him to the front. When he attempted to tell the woman that he couldn’t come back here, she thought it was a ridiculous lie. 

Until they’re approached by the man Minho hates the most. He stands with annoying confidence and a scowl that would combust any true sinner. 

“Minho, I told you that you aren’t welcome here anymore.” Father Han attempts to keep his voice low. 

“Talk to my mom about that so I can go, please.” Minho responds like this is a casual conversation. 

“Why would he be kicked out?” The woman tilts her head. 

“He is trying to tempt my son and considering his past, I think it’s for the best that he seeks salvation elsewhere.” 

Minho shrugs and looks around at everyone, who is already staring. “Cool. By the way, you left your tie at my aunt’s house and she was wondering if you’re coming over again tonight to get it.” 

He turns and makes his way to the doors. Finally, he’s free from his awful fucking church. It feels like a thousand weights have been lifted from his shoulder. 

As he walks to the bus stop, he pulls his headphones from his pockets. Maybe now he can work on going no contact with his family. He can actually start healing. 

He sits on the bench and gets his phone out, wishing Chan wasn’t sitting in the church so they could hang out. Minho really needs someone to talk to in this moment. But he has to sit here for an hour in silence. Feeling guilty for knowing Jisung still has to be stuck in the church. 

He sighs and turns as someone sits beside him. Jisung stares at him, waiting patiently for him to take his headphones out. Minho looks behind them to make sure Jisung’s father isn’t rushing over to tear them apart. 

Minho removes his earbud. “What are you doing?” 

“Disappointing my father.” Jisung smiles wide. “Wanna take my car, get a bunch of food, and get high?” 

“Sure. Sounds nice.” 

-

“I think I might be gay.” Jisung says, lying on the floor. 

“Is this where you expect me to act shocked?” Minho chuckles. 

“Shut up.” He laughs. “I’m being serious.” 

“There’s nothing wrong with it, Jisung.” Minho sits up to get a better look at Jisung. “Is there anything that’s making you uncertain?” 

“I..I was always told it was wrong..I don’t want to abandon my religion. But the more I think about it, I really have no interest in girls.” 

Minho slides off the couch to sit next to Jisung. “You’re not abandoning anything. Religion has been butchered beyond recognition..that’s a lot to dive into while high but remember those fuckers who judge you for loving who you love are sinning.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Only God can judge you.” 

“But what if he is judging me?” 

Minho makes it a spectacle to walk over to the window and look outside. “It’s not raining frogs and you haven’t been struck down by lightning.” 

“You’re right..” 

“And I think I want to eat an entire birthday cake right now.” 

“Fuck that sounds so good.” 

---

“Morning.” Felix greets Minho as he walks to his desk. “You missed some drama.” 

“Oh, I had plenty of my own.” Minho groans as he sits in his chair. 

“What happened?” 

“I got kicked out of my church for kissing Chan in public and the all holy Father Han thought I was trying to indoctrinate Jisung into gayism.” 

“That’s..harsh..” 

“Took that fuckface long enough. Anyway, what did I miss?” 

Felix scoots closer to him. “So, Hyunjin got a promotion which is great because he’s been fighting for it since forever but apparently that pissed Jeongin off so much that he quit. Or at least that’s what we all thought. Turns out, Jeongin’s client was blackmailing him because he had helped embezzle money for some new school or whatever. I mean, I heard he didn’t actually know it was embezzlement until it was too late. Police came Friday to get all the data on his computer.” 

“What..the fuck? Did he get arrested?” 

“Last I heard, he cut a deal because of the whole blackmail thing.” 

“Fuck.”

---

God, Minho is so tired. He considers skipping dinner in favor of more sleep but damn he’s really hungry. His body aches as he sits on the couch. Why is he under so much fucking stress? He shouldn’t have stress anymore. The only things bothering him at the moment are trivial. 

A groan escapes his lips as there’s a frantic knock on the door. Why can’t he have one day to relax? He used all of his vacation focused on so many other fucking things. 

He gets up and answers the door, jumping back as Jisung rushes inside. Tears stain Jisung’s cheeks as he begins pacing around Minho’s living room. 

“My dad just got arrested.” Jisung gasps for air. “What do I do?” 

“W-what? Why?” Minho blinks, stopping Jisung’s nervous movements by placing hands on his shoulders. 

“I guess he stole a bunch of money from his job and-and was blackmailing someone to help him and he..fuck, he really is a horrible person.” 

“Hey, breathe..it’s going to be okay..oh my god, that was Jeongin..” 

Jisung sniffles and wipes his tears away. “Who?” 

“My uh..coworker. He’s the person your dad was blackmailing.” 

Jisung once again starts crying. “I don’t know why I’m so upset..but..he’s still my dad.” 

“He’s learning a valuable lesson right now that actions have consequences. It’s okay to be upset and scared and I’m here for you but this isn’t a bad thing.” 

“But the church it-it’s my family’s church but no one else is here to run it and obviously I can’t do anything but my mom wants to leave because of the divorce and my uncle is on dialysis and my..sister..she..” He twitches, gasping for air. 

“Breathe.” 

“She’s in the mental hospital..” Jisung twitches, letting out a frustrated yell. “She..tried to kill herself.” 

Minho tries to hide his flinch at the words but he feels his stomach twist. “Oh.” 

“She stopped going to church in high school and my family tried to shame her..it got worse when she started doing drugs. But she was doing drugs to numb the pain..and instead of a family trying to support her, they kicked her out. My dad was heartless about her attempt, saying it just made him look bad. Of course, it made him look bad. He’s a bad person.” 

“Jisung..I can’t imagine how you feel..” 

“You do know..” He allows Minho to sit him on the couch. “Tell me about your boyfriend.” 

Minho knew this was going to happen at some point. He knew Jisung was going to ask. Jisung’s a curious person. And maybe it’ll be good to get it off Minho’s chest. 

“He was amazing..” Minho swallows in an attempt to keep his tears from forming, failing. “We met at church and instantly became friends..and two months later we started dating. He had the biggest heart that he even felt hopeful that we’d be okay going to the camp. But it broke him. When we got him out, he was a completely different person. Quiet, afraid to be touched. He still had faith and he always let me know how much he loved me.” He takes a deep breath. “A year after we moved in together, I came home to find him on the bathroom floor. He promised he still loved me in his note..he hoped he could still get into heaven despite all of his sins.” 

“It sounds like he was a good person.” 

“The camp ruined him. We fought a lot, cried in each other’s arms almost every night. He promised he would be himself again.” He swipes the tears away. “The church tried to sweep his death under the rug, refusing to take responsibility. When they held the funeral, Father Han talked about the inability to have a future wife. And I lost it. Seungmin’s mother was the only person who took my side.” 

“I don’t even know what to say..” 

“It’s okay. I didn’t mean to ramble so much.” He coughs. “We need to focus on saving the church and maybe even change it for the better.” 

“I don’t have any credentials.” 

“That’s okay. We’ll figure that out later.” 

“Minho..” Jisung whispers before leaning his head on Minho’s shoulder. “Thank you.” 

---

Okay. Minho has no idea what he’s doing. This church has caused him nothing but pain and now he’s researching ways to save it. But Jisung wants to save it, so they’ll save it. They can turn it into a better place. One that isn’t filled with hate and lies. 

Minho’s glad Jisung wants the changes to happen. That he wants a safe place to worship for everyone. 

“Was he your soulmate?” Jisung breaks the silence. 

“No. But he was a safe haven. We tried to plan a wedding but we could never agree on anything.” Minho finally smiles at a memory of his lost lover. “He knew we weren’t meant for forever but he made every moment special.” 

“What about Chan?” 

“I find safety in people who show me affection. It’s a flaw sometimes. But Chan’s an angel. He respected that I wasn’t ready but he’s always here for me if I need comfort.” 

“I could be safe for you too..” 

Minho cracks another smile and shakes his head. “You are. I just..well, I need someone willing to kiss me when I’m sad.” 

Minho jolts as Jisung springs forward to rest his hand on Minho’s cheek, pulling their lips together. He instinctively reaches for Jisung’s waist and deepens the kiss. It’s heavy yet so soft. Filled with pent up energy from Jisung’s side. 

Jisung pulls away, catching his breath. “Sorry..” 

“That felt safe.” 

---

“Okay, so,” Felix claps his hands together, “we could just put out ads for a new priest.” 

“That’s ridiculous.” Minho shakes his head. 

“Or maybe see if any Catholic schools have anyone interested?” Jisung suggests. 

“How’d your dad become a priest?” Felix asks. 

“Fuck if I know, I wasn’t even a concept yet when that happened.” 

“Chan’s ordained.” Felix shrugs. “Would that work?” 

Minho blinks, not sure how something like that never came into conversation with the man he knows intimately. “That would have been nice to know.” He throws his hands up in confusion. “When the fuck did that happen?” 

“I guess that’s what he was doing back home.” 

“Do you think he’d be willing to help?” Jisung pouts. 

Felix gets his phone out and begins texting his brother. Even if Chan is willing to do this, Minho is worried about the backlash. Chan is an openly gay man living in a conservative town. This could be bad for him. But it could also be a chance to change things here. 

If Chan is willing to do this, he’ll have to stay in Korea longer. Unless they can find someone else to take over when he goes back home. Maybe that’s for Jisung to figure out later. He cares about the church his family built decades ago. Even if it never really had the best reputation. Minho knows this is important to him so he doesn’t want to suggest just letting it rot. 

“He said he’d give it a shot.” Felix looks back up from his phone.

Jisung smiles wide. “There’s a family that’s supposed to have a baptism tomorrow.”

“Oh, he can do that! He told me he helped with them all the time back home.” 

“Thank fuck..” 

---

Minho knows he’s supposed to be focusing on his best friend doing his first solo baptism for a new family to the church. But all he can think about is Jisung kissing him. He should be focusing on the fact that he is sitting in the church that he was kicked out of a week ago. But Jisung fucking kissed him. 

It felt so..perfect. His lips are soft and for someone who has no kissing experience, he was a natural. 

Minho has kissed so many people but none of them felt as good as Jisung. He wants to do it again. He wants to feel safe all the time. But maybe Minho was just an experiment for Jisung to see if he really is gay. What if the kiss made Jisung realize he isn’t gay at all? 

Focus. 

Chan is doing so well. No one has said anything bad about him yet. He looks so comfortable up there. It’s still a bit odd knowing Minho isn’t even religious. But he’s proud of his friends for maintaining their faith despite how they were raised in this church. 

The church will never be the same and Minho thinks that’s beautiful. Jisung’s family also seems to be happy with their hard work not being destroyed. Jisung is happy that he can change everything for the better here. 

After the service, Minho walks to the front instead of running out as fast as possible. Chan is glowing in happiness. 

“You did great, Chan. You’re a natural leader.” Minho nudges him. 

“Thanks. That was terrifying.” Chan chuckles. “It felt weird taking over this church. I always expected to just..do weddings and baptisms.” 

The two look over as Jisung walks over. “Thank you for doing this.” 

“No problem. Now we just gotta reconvert Minho.” 

“Not a chance.” Minho laughs. 

---

Minho helps Jisung clean up the church, realizing there are no candles on the altar. He goes to a back room, filling his arms just as Jisung walks in. 

“What's gay sex like?” Jisung asks so suddenly that Minho drops a prayer candle at his feet. 

“Pardon me?”

“Like..does it hurt?” 

Minho tilts his head and smirks. “Not if you do it right.” He makes his way out to the main area, hearing Jisung rushing behind him. 

“So, do you..um..give or..receive?” 

“Both. Just depends on the person.” He sets the candles down and crosses his arms. “Why are you so curious?” 

Jisung’s cheeks bloom a dark red and his eyes dart around the room. “I just. Um. I’m curious.” 

“Mm.” Minho steps closer to Jisung, slowly pressing him back until he hits the wall. “What else do you want to know?” 

“Um..” 

After Jisung glances at Minho’s lips far too obviously, Minho leans in to kiss him. Jisung reaches out to grab Minho’s shirt to pull his body closer. The kiss is heavied, Minho wrapping his arm around Jisung’s waist. He steps him back until he hits the wall without parting their lips. 

Jisung’s hands begin to explore Minho’s body. It’s cautious but Minho welcomes the touch. Minho slides his free hand under Jisung’s shirt, earning a muffled moan from Jisung. Minho really needs to remember that Jisung isn’t used to these touches. But it does make him dizzy to know how easy it is to rile him up. 

He pulls away from Jisung’s lips to travel them down to his neck. Jisung rolls his head back, breathing becoming rough. He digs his nails into Minho’s shoulders, hips bucking forward to rub against him. 

“Minho..please.” Jisung whimpers. “I need you.” 

Minho slowly leads Jisung to lie on the floor before peeling the man’s shirt off over his head. His pulse speeds as he stares at Jisung, realizing what they’re about to do. He’s about to take someone’s virginity on the floor of a church. And it feels so good. 

Jisung tugs at Minho’s shirt to hurry up. Minho begins to press soft kisses against Jisung’s torso, slowly moving down until he reaches the zipper of his jeans. Jisung reaches out to file his fingers through Minho’s hair, desperate whines escaping his throat as Minho pulls at the button and zipper. 

The jeans are carefully tugged off Jisung’s hips, Jisung twitching and filling out when Minho tugs his boxers down as well. Minho reaches into his pocket to pull his wallet out but he can’t help but laugh as his pocket bible slips out beside them. 

It once again reminds him that he’s doing something sinful. But it doesn’t really hurt him. And it doesn’t seem like Jisung cares right now. If it bothers him later, he can just pray for forgiveness. Because there’s no way Minho is going to stop unless Jisung wants to. 

He pulls out a condom and a packet of lube from his wallet, a bit worried this isn’t going to be enough lube for Jisung. It’s not going to be enough..but Minho can make it work. If he has to find a first aid kit in the storage room and hope for vaseline, he’ll do it. Anything to continue to worship Jisung in this moment. 

Jisung stares at Minho, his chest rising and falling in anticipation. His body lies naked behind the altar, illuminated by the faint glow of the sun shining through the tall windows. It’s a beautiful sight. Minho thinks he’s found his new religion. 

“Please..” 

Minho rips the lube packet open, squeezing half of the contents onto two fingers. With his clean hand, he pushes Jisung’s thighs apart before wrapping his arm around his waist to pull his hips up. 

Jisung tenses as Minho presses a finger against him. But he relaxes a bit when Minho kisses him. He jolts at the slow and sudden intrusion but he just heavies the kiss, clashing their teeth together. His legs tremble around Minho’s hips as Minho begins to move his finger. And once Jisung calms, he pushes in the second finger. 

Jisung’s head falls against the floor, heavy pants escaping his throat. Minho reaches over and grabs the cross necklace that rests against Jisung’s chest. He can feel himself sinking closer to hell as he shoves the cross past Jisung’s lips and rests the metal against his tongue. 

Minho drinks in Jisung’s reactions to his fingers, especially as his back arches after he curls them. He slowly pulls away and Jisung whines at the emptiness. But Minho repositions himself to shove his own jeans and boxer down enough to expose himself. And he can’t help but feel a sense of pride when Jisung curses at the image in front of him. 

He grabs the half empty packet to his side and squeezes the rest of it in his palm. As much as he wants to go as slow as possible, he is very aware of the risk right now. They are in public. Anyone could walk through those doors and find them. But that doesn’t really scare Minho, it’s exciting to know they’re doing something so sinful. 

Jisung reaches for Minho to come closer. Minho lines himself up, his forehead resting against Jisung’s. He presses their lips together before carefully rolling his hips forward. Jisung whimpers and scrambles to wrap around Minho’s shoulders. He pulls away to bury into his neck as Minho inches in more. 

He slowly peppers Jisung’s cheek with kisses. His own body trembles at the feeling, the first time in years he’s enjoyed the feeling of sex. The first time in years he doesn’t feel guilty or dirty for having sex. The first time in years he’s made someone else feel safe in his arms. 

It takes awhile but he finally bottoms out. Tears threaten to fall from Jisung’s eyes but he holds himself as close as possible to Minho’s body. 

“Are you ready for me to move?” Minho asks, pressing his lips against Jisung’s neck. 

“Yes, god, please..” Jisung breathes. 

The first pump of Minho’s hips makes Jisung writhe in pain and pleasure. His whines and moans echo through the room and Minho is in heaven. He wishes he could record the sounds. 

Jisung twitches underneath him and Minho knows he isn’t going to last long. But as long as Jisung is enjoying this, Minho couldn’t care less if he gets to finish. And with each thrust becoming harder and harder, Jisung begins to lose his composure. He doesn’t know where to grab, kisses getting heavier and messier. 

Minho reaches up to slot their fingers together, letting Jisung ride out the hard orgasm that ripples through him. Jisung takes harsh breaths, chest and hips still spasming. He reaches up to wrap his arms tightly around Minho’s waist. 

“Are you okay?” Minho asks as Jisung begins to cry. 

“I..I think I love you.” Jisung tucks against Minho’s neck. 

“Hallelujah.” 

Though he expected Jisung to get emotional, he didn’t expect to get a love confession at the end. A genuine confession. And Minho may not have believed in soulmates before but he does believe he found the man he wants to worship for the rest of his life.