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Ever since the first sign of doom, Jungkook learned it all.
How do you kill the timid? You fill them up with so many fears about the future that it looks bleak; they choked and chose the easy way out — death. The family living in the house opposite his chose that way. His best-friend who was only texting him silly pictures of animals tripping did. How do you kill the unprepared? You let their panic trip them at their feet, and watch as every single one of them gets torn apart by the monsters — the walkers, the news said — and you run because you have to be prepared.
Jungkook’s parents weren’t.
How do you kill the helpful? You twist their kindness into a gaping weakness that makes them turn back — and no one who turns back ever survives, so they never do. A kind stranger who Jungkook eventually looks up to like a brother is helpful. He is not an exception.
How do you kill the selfish? You let their greed consume them, and look away when it’s walkers that eat into them instead.
(Jungkook doesn’t ‘wait’, nor does he ‘come back’ like the man in agony cries out pleadingly for. He takes what he was robbed of and leaves without turning back.)
In short, everyone dies.
He saw a man empty bullets into his family of six, who was bawling for him to stop, before killing himself. He finished a can of beans as he witnessed the brutal deaths of two teenagers, approximately around the same age as he is — they were killed in a struggle for food with a couple who had children to feed. They didn’t last long afterwards, Jungkook didn’t think they would. They were still using cars as their hideouts, and it’s never been a good idea to. He was sleeping by the time his break was interrupted by shrieks, and he looked away again as he began his walk to nowhere again.
Jungkook is hungry, alone and tired by the time he reaches an abandoned cabin in the woods. He searches, and he searches — but there is no food, the pipes are no longer working and he’s pretty sure people died here because the stench of blood’s practically choking him as he throws his bag against the wall in frustration.
He’s done for — after all the fight, he’s done.
How do you kill the pessimist?
Jungkook laughs, bitterly as he pushes the front of his gun past his lips before he unclips the safety.
You don’t have to. They will do it themselves—
“Hey!”
Jungkook was still in a daze by the time his gun has been smacked out of his own grip like it’s a lethal toxic — it’s only the gunshot that follows later on, when the back of the gun hits the floor that he finally wakes, his breathing shaky and his eyes wide as the realisation of what he has just tried to do hits.
“You can thank me later—“ A voice suddenly speaks, and Jungkook then finally remembers that he’s not alone in the cabin. A figure’s scrambling forward to pick the gun up, as if it shouldn’t be anywhere near him and Jungkook can only stare as he can’t hear anything else but his own breathing for awhile. He’s breathing. He’s still alive. “But for now, we have go — the walkers would’ve heard that shot. We got to go, now — now! Move it!”
Jungkook doesn’t fight the hand that drags him out of the cabin that almost became the last place he’s going to be in.
He lets the older male lead him to the nearest neighborhood, where they pick locks of houses that nobody lives in anymore and sleeps in them, day by day as they heated canned food up to dig in at. He lets the older male nag at him, and get lectured about how no matter what happens, there will always be something more to life that shouldn’t be given up on so easily. He lets the older male introduce himself as Jimin, and learns more and more about the other every single second they are awake and around each other.
He lets Jimin poke at his hips, crack the lamest jokes and make him smile, because when a ray of sunlight decides to shine in the darkest pit of your life, you don’t look away. You fall in love.
How do you save a pessimist? With an optimist.
~*~
Jimin doesn’t think the world’s ending. He thinks it’s changing, and the idea of the world still having a chance to get better breathes life into him. It keeps a smile on his face, and no matter how hungry they might both be, he still jokes around because he doesn’t like to stop and brood, so Jungkook lets him because he doesn’t want Jimin to stop and brood.
Even if Jungkook thinks that the world has ended already, he doesn’t let Jimin 's end.
Jungkook lets Jimin voice out jokes colder than the rainy night they are both trembling in, and still laughs and smiles anyway because Jimin is holding his hand, Jimin is still here, Jimin still kisses him good morning every time they wake and suddenly the world just doesn’t seem that fucked up anymore.
Jungkook doesn’t tell Jimin this, but yes, he is now beginning to hope.
(And hope is the scariest thing to have ever happened for the both of them.)
~*~
Salvus’s where Jimin has been trying to go to ever since the apocalypse began. According to the radios with weak signals, Salvus is a place that keeps everybody sheltered, fed, safe, and happy. It’s like a wonderland, and it sounds too good to be true so Jungkook doesn’t believe in it — but he knows Jimin has been this optimistic because he knows there’s somewhere better stored in this world left for them.
So he doesn’t stop searching for Salvus with Jimin.
Jimin speaks of Salvus so dearly, like it’s a city of light, and Jungkook wants to believe in it for Jimin — who knows? Maybe one day, like Jimin said, they can make it. They can get a room of their own, and they can shower with warm water, without having to look around like they can get ambushed anytime. The idea of being at ease everyday’ is appealing to Jungkook so it doesn’t take long for him to start hoping to get to Salvus as soon as they can because that sounds like a pretty great future, and Jungkook wants a future with Jimin.
It’s only a pity that Salvus doesn’t think the same way about them.
It exists, it truly does, the structure is intimidatingly big, and the security’s amazingly tight. Everything screams of safety, and it’s everything Jimin has been dreaming about — it’s a place like this that makes months of starving and late night trudges worth it. It’s a place like this that brings a wide grin onto Jimin’s face and relief back into Jungkook’s system.
It’s also a place that doesn’t allow them to set a single foot past the entrance because they are god damned disgusting fairies that are only going to contaminate the others.
For fuck’s sake.
Jungkook thinks he has never been this mad before — his face burns as he lunges at just about anyone who’s trying to keep them out. He pushes, he punches, he kicks and he shouts at the cruelty of the people (are they even humane enough to still be regarded as people?) who refused to budge, and just pushed them farther for every inch they tried to nudge forward.
They are only two teenagers with nowhere else to go, but they won’t be given a home regardless. They are driven away with bruises blooming all over their face and limbs after the monsters, the real monsters, they took all of their ammunition and guns away.
They have nothing — nothing, and it’s only after Jungkook has calmed down from his rage that he notices how quiet Jimin has been.
“Jimin?”
He doesn’t answer, but Jungkook sees it. He sees the way Jimin's knees turn jelly and the way it sends the other male crashing onto the ground. He sees the way Jimin rejects the hands that practically have to fight just to get him to stand up. He sees the way Jimin’s shaking as he laughs without a smile. Jungkook learns another thing.
How do you kill an optimist?
You fill them up with so much hope they believe it can be nothing but the truth then rip it all away from them, all at once, and drain out every single drop of light from within them.
~*~
Jungkook knows something is off. He knows how Jimin has been behaving — the older male has been walking the line with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes; he lets the walkers get way too close to him before he finishes them off like it doesn’t matter if he gets bitten, because survival is a tiring journey that Jimin wants to give up on if there’s no end to it and it’s breaking Jungkook’s heart.
Jimin doesn’t imitate the sound of drum rolls anymore as he opens dusty kitchen cabinets to see if there’s any food inside. He drags the doors open like it’s a chore, and when he spots cans of food, he doesn’t look over to where Jungkook is and winks at him in victory.
He sighs, and then he takes them down like he wished they weren’t there so he could’ve starved to death.
Jungkook tries, he really tries — he’s the one who’s cracking all the lame jokes right now and doing all the things Jimin once did just to make him laugh. He ransacks the closest in the house they are staying in and picks out the ones that he thinks look the most hideous. He wears them, and purposely strides everywhere in front of Jimin like he’s the apocalypse’s next top model. He wears a shirt with a cartoon print that’s way too tight for his frame, and he drags dirty jeans that are so loose it slides across his waist without an issue. He clips his hair, and he recites jokes that Jimin once always laugh at — Jimin takes a look at him, and just smiles (it still doesn’t reach his eyes like before) before kissing him goodnight.
(Jungkook couldn’t sleep for the entire night.)
It’s tough, Jungkook thinks to himself as he grabs hold of Jimin’s hand, tight, the next afternoon as they make their way across a small woods that ground is peppered with crispy leaves. It shouldn’t be this tough — Jimin made it seem so easy when he played around, like the idea of optimism is just a small step away if Jungkook had the courage to try. He tries to be optimistic for Jimin, he swears he is, he’s smiling at every smallest thing even if he feels like he’s fucking dying inside, and whenever he runs out of jokes to tell Jimin about to distract the older male from whatever thoughts in his head that can’t be good, Jungkook tells him about his past.
Jungkook tells him about the set meal he’d always order in McDonald’s, Jungkook tells him about the amount of toys he has broken when he was just a toddler, Jungkook tells him about how he was this close to swallowing a bullet but things do get better because Jimin had been there.
Jungkook tells Jimin he loves him.
Jimin stops stepping at the fallen leaves and says he knows.
~*~
Jungkook likes to pretend that Jimin’s getting better and that every time the older male smiles at his jokes, he’s actually laughing inside and not all bleeding and dead because no one recovers a dream that’s brutally crushed like that. Jungkook likes to tell himself that this church that’s surrounded with barns can be their own Salvus once they clear the entire area. Jungkook likes to tell himself that they are going to make it, because he doesn’t know what else to think if either one of them doesn’t.
The thing is, deep down inside, Jungkook’s scared.
He knows he’s losing Jimin day by day. He sees the way Jimin’s slowly slipping away no matter how hard he’s holding onto the other’s hand. He sees his ray of sunlight get tarnished into nothing but a candle's flame that's going to die and Jungkook’s so fucking afraid he thinks he can’t hold on anymore.
Because this time, as Jungkook returns from keeping a tight check on the barns, he sees the door to the church open and he sees that a walker’s lying on top of Jimin.
His heart turns cold, and he doesn’t even realize he has been screaming ‘no’ as he runs to Jimin, his legs soft and his chest unbelievably tight. His thoughts are spurring all kinds of red and before he sprints into the church he’s already crying. Fuck, he’s crying like a man who's just lost everything because Jungkook did just lose everything — he just lost his only shot at happiness, his only hope, his laugh, his love, his world and his person.
“Jimin,” Jungkook’s voice is shaking so much he can’t even understand himself — his voice shakes like his hands shake as he shoves off the walker that’s lying slack against Jimin who’s not moving anymore. “God, Jimin — answer me, Jimin.”
Jungkook cries even more when he finally sees Jimin.
His entire torso is stained with blood, his body trembling just like Jungkook’s as he drops the knife that’s been inside a walker’s skull just seconds ago and his face’s caked with bits of blood, and streaks of tears as he looks back at Jungkook like he doesn’t know what just happened.
He’s still breathing, he’s still alive, and he doesn’t have any bite marks — he’s still safe, he’s still here, and Jungkook clings onto the last bit of sanity that almost slips from his mind.
“I’m sorry—“ Jimin suddenly says, when he looks at Jungkook like he’s about to cry, but it’s okay, Jungkook thinks, it’s okay, because he’s still fucking alive and god, thank god because he thinks he might just kill himself if anything happens to Jimin. “I wanted to die, Jungkook — I was going to let him kill me.”
Jungkook ignores the twist that he feels in his heart as he wipes away the blood in Jimin’s face, his body still wrecked with sobs from the fear that’s been too raw to be just temporal.
“But then I thought of you— you love me, Jungkook and I, I love you too.” Jimin’s voice is rasp, and it breaks as he begins to cry too, like he can’t believe just how close he was to dying and just how close they were to having a fucking end. “I want to keep on living, Jungkook — I want to carry on. I want to live.”
Jungkook doesn’t know if he’s laughing or still crying when he finally hears Jimin wanting to live, but fuck if he cares because Jimin wants to carry on, he wants to live and it’s everything Jungkook needs to know.
“Okay,” Jungkook exhales as he lies on top of Jimin and drags the other male in for a hug — the position is uncomfortable and the stench of blood is almost overwhelming, but it’s not like either of them is going to pull away just because of it.
The both of them are crying way too much at that point in time, too desperate to feel each other right there and close to care about anything else. Jungkook’s practically bawling at this point, the fear that struck him seconds ago too poignant to just look away from.
“Okay,” Jungkook says again amidst his tears because he doesn’t know what else to.
~*~
Jimin’s trying for Jungkook now.
His eyes don’t look as dead anymore, and he doesn’t stray far away from Jungkook like before, he knows it’ll send unnecessary pangs of panic into his chest — so he stays close, makes sure that Jungkook can see him, and grabs hold of his hand so their fingers can intertwine like a silent reassurance that spreads warmth across their chests.
Jungkook knows, of course he does — and he can’t say he wasn’t mad at Jimin for putting himself through such a risk, but Jimin’s trying, Jimin wants to keep on living for himself and as long as the other’s still trying, Jungkook swears with all of his heart that he too, will carry on.
“You know, I used to balance myself walking on the top of the train’s railings, blindfolded, just to impress a girl I had a crush on.” Jimin suddenly shares, like the silence has been there for far too long and Jungkook doesn’t mind. The sound of Jimin speaking wraps something that feels safe around himself, and Jimin’s finally speaking again like he’s not living on the edge. “I fell, and that’s how I got the scar over here.”
Jungkook looks over, and even if he sees that Jimin’s balancing himself on the railing again with an arm raised to show him where the scar is — it’s not what Jungkook looks at.
His breathing stops, and he pauses at his steps.
Jimin notices, turns and looks at him like nothing’s different — a smile is still showing on his face, the smile that’s neither been pushed nor squeezed out to lie to Jungkook. It’s the exact same smile that Jungkook has been missing and it’s the exact same smile that lit Jungkook’s miserable word up.
“You’re smiling,” Jungkook says, and he doesn’t hide how surprised he is as Jimin just makes a face, hops off the railing and slips his hand back into Jungkook’s. It fits, it’s warm, and Jungkook squeezes tight.
“I am,” Jimin simply answers like it’s not a big deal as he rolls a pebble beneath his sneaker.
~*~
Jungkook’s been kneeling on the prayer bench for a long while. He doesn’t know how to start, nor he knows how to begin — it’s a mess, the church itself is also in a mess; the pages in the bible are charred from candles that have fallen over, and he sees a crucifix lying on the red carpet, broken. It’s like Jungkook’s staring back at his very own reflection, because he’s still a fucking mess over what just happened hours ago.
Jimin, he nearly lost Jimin.
He never thought he’d be this petrified to lose another anymore ever since his parents passed away, but then there’s Jimin, who wiggled into his life so effortlessly and taught him how to live, and not just be a living puppet who survives.
Jungkook knows he’d still be thinking of this weeks later because god, he had been fucking scared. He feels like he can still topple over and vomit if he goes into the details about what happened right now, he still smells the strong stench of blood he thought to be Jimin’s, and he still can see the way how Jimin’s lying there like he’s dead and god, if there’s truly a god, please don’t let anything like that happen ever again.
“I don’t pray; I’m not a believer. I think that religions are stupid. I always make up all sorts of excuses so I don’t have to go to church with my parents on Sunday — because I don’t believe in anything. I don’t believe that there’s someone up there, keeping an eye on us and I certainly don’t believe in any gods now either, because if any of you do exist, then why the fuck is this happening to us?” Jungkook says, and eyes the surface of the bench briefly before he hesitantly places his hands on it. He doesn’t even know if he’s correct. “But I don’t know — is this why people pray? You let them have hope and… you let them think that something better is going to happen eventually, right?”
Jungkook closes his hands together, and exhales shakily as he adjusts at his position.
“But if anyone’s listening… help. I need help,” Jungkook admits. “I just need some signs if everything’s really going to be okay. I just need to know if Jimin’s going to be okay — just please let him be alright, please. I need him to be alright, I really do. I can’t have him trying to hurt himself that way again, okay? I’m not going to lie, I’m not going to say that I wasn’t scared out of my wits today because I was. In fact, I’m still fucking scared right now. If anyone’s listening, if there’s truly a god, please listen to me. I can’t lose him, I really can’t.”
He knows it’s fucking ridiculous — he still doesn’t believe in religions and he never will, but he has never been more grateful for the fact that they exist because they allowed people to hope and Jungkook needs hope right now. He needs the kind of hope that Jimin had delivered to him so effortlessly from before, and he needs it right now because he feels like he’s on the brink of his sanity.
He thinks he’s going crazy.
“I used to think of myself as a walker last time. I just wandered around, searched for food, and spent my days just surviving without truly understanding why I should still be breathing. I almost killed myself just because I’m tired and Jimin, he was there. He helped me — god, he saved me and I’m not just talking about the way he stopped me from killing myself. He saved me from everything — he gave me hope, and he let me think that there’s still something good in this fucked up world. But it’s all gone the instant I can’t protect the one good thing that happened to me from all of these craziness — now he’s dying, god. He’s dying inside and I feel like I’m losing him and I can’t, I swear, I can’t lose him.” Jungkook doesn’t even know why he’s beginning to cry again, but he lets himself cry because he knows he needs to. He just cries, and presses his forehead against his hands as his body trembles with emotions that he doesn’t know how to escape from. “Because if he’s not there with me in the future, I can’t go on. I need him, really, I need him — I need him to save me again because I can’t do this anymore, god. I’m tired, I really am.”
Jungkook tries to stifle his tears and sobs because Jimin’s sleeping in the other room — there’s a good chance Jimin can walk in on him while he’s in the middle of bawling his heart out, but he can’t. He just can’t stop crying, and it’s fucking pathetic, but Jungkook can’t help it because when the light in your life’s going to burn out, your heart sinks, your mind breaks and you fucking cry like it’s the only thing you can do.
You cry, and cry like it’s the end of everything, and then you cry some more.
“Just help me, please.” Jungkook’s voice breaks. “I need help.”
(Jimin slips back into the bed before Jungkook can spot him, and bites at his fist as he forces himself to not cry out loud.)
~*~
Jungkook doesn’t know, and he won’t know for a long good while — but if he ever does, he’s going to remember.
How do you save an optimist? With love.
///fin