Work Text:
Joll: How did none of you hear what I just said?
Conk: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.
Golem: I got distracted about halfway through.
Kibble: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.
*Joll is cooking*
Conk: Any chance that’s for me?
Joll: It’s for Kibble. I’m planning on making some bad choices tonight, and I need them on my side.
Golem: I never realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.
Joll: I think we're missing something.
Conk: Teamwork?
Golem: Cohesion?
Kibble: A general sense of what we’re doing?
Joll: There is no future. there is no past. do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.
Conk:
Golem:
Kibble:
Everyone Else At Joll’s Surprise Birthday Party:
Conk: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.
Joll, setting down a card: Ace of spades
Conk, pulling out an Uno card: +4
Kibble, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you
Golem, trembling: What are we playing
Joll: Dammit, Conk!
Conk: What?! It wasn’t me!
Joll: Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Golem!
Golem: Not me either.
Joll: Oh...Then who set the house on fire?
Kibble: *whistles
Golem: Why are Joll and Conk sitting with their backs to each other?
Kibble: They had a fight.
Golem: Then why are they holding hands?
Kibble: They get sad when they fight.
Conk: I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff.
Buzz: I witnessed the dumb stuff.
Golem: I recorded the dumb stuff.
Kibble: I joined in on the dumb stuff.
Joll: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!!!
Golem: *master chef*
Joll: *knows a few recipes*
Kibble: *can follow instructions on a box*
Buzz: *made toast once*
Conk: *banned from the kitchen*
Golem: When you work at lush and a customer comes in and bites the soap because they think it’s cheese... this happens way more frequently than you think.
Kibble: If you stopped literally presenting soap as deli food this wouldn't happen.
Golem: Who goes into a bath store and thinks something covered in glitter is cheese?
Joll: Who goes to the store and just takes a bite from the cheese?
Kibble: Hi, could I ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire??
Conk: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔
Joll: Why were you microwaving a lemon???
Conk: I read boiling lemons helps cover up up bad smells (I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges) but I didn't own any pots.
Golem you burn an orange too? How???
Conk: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔
Golem: If you ever feel stupid or weak or powerless, just remember that I am not. I am out there, very dangerous, and I am looking for you. Good luck.
Joll: Golem won’t come out of their room!
Conk: Just tell them I said something.
Joll: Like what?
Conk: Anything factually incorrect.
Joll, shrugging: If you say so.
Golem, arriving moments later: Did you just say the sun is a PLANET?
Conk: There's nothing to do....
Joll: You can wash the dishes you promised to wash about a week ago.
Conk: *pulls out their phone* Nevermind.
Golem: Ha! Don't you know the trappers trap can trap the trapper?
Golem: I must be losing it, I'm quoting Conk.
Golem: I can't take you seriously wearing that.
Kibble: Aw, you take me seriously at all?
Golem: Fair point.
Buzz: What did you guys get in your yearbook?
Joll: 'Prettiest Smile'
Kibble: 'Nicest Personality'
Conk: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'
Golem: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'
Joll: I hope you have an explanation for this.
Conk: We have three, actually!
Buzz: Pick your favorite.'
*Conk is ordering a cake over the phone*
Shop Employee: …and what would you like your cake to say?
Conk, covering the phone to look at The Squad: Do we want a talking cake?
Joll: I can't imagine what Evil Conk is planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal.
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Pea: We might have gotten into a bar room brawl back in the city.
Spark: Well, that was entirely predictable.
Pea: One of them punched a gang member.
Spark: Dyna?
Pea: Frost, actually.
Spark: Oh, that was going to be my second guess.
Evil Conk: You three, explain right now!
Pea: It was Dyna.
Frost: It was Dyna.
Spark: It was Dyna.
Dyna:
Dyna: …fuck.
Frost: Fine! I don't give a shit!
Pea: You seem to give a lot of shit for someone who claims not to give a shit.
Evil Conk & Pea: *accidentally set the kitchen on fire*
Evil Conk: We need an adult!
Pea: Evil Conk, you are an adult!
Evil Conk: We need an adultier adult! Get Endy!
Pea: I love sarcasm! It’s like punching people in the face, but with words!
Evil Conk: New year, same me. Because I'm perfect.
*Squad is playing Among Us*
Endy: I believe Pea is innocent, I was with them the whole time. Spark, what were you doing?
Spark: Oh, I was just murdering… I mean, nothing!
Endy: ...I'm pretty sure that place is fire-proof, or something.
Dyna, grenade in hand: Alright, but is it explosion-proof?
Evil Conk, holding a fork: You know your talking a lot of shit for someone who has 2 perfectly good eyeballs each cost about $16,000 on the blackmarket.
Endy: ....
Evil Conk: *lip smack*
Evil Conk: Two truths and a lie, I’ll start!
Evil Conk: I’ve killed a man, I will kill again, and it burns when I pee.
Frost, visibly nervous: I don’t- I don’t like this game.
Pea: Pick a card, any card.
Evil Conk: Fine.
Pea: Wait, that's my credit card!
Evil Conk: You said any card.
Spark: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on Evil Conk without them noticing?
Endy: Hey, Evil Conk, I bet you 5 bucks that you can't swallow this penny.
Evil Conk: *takes and swallows tracker* Pay up, loser.
Spark: ...
Evil Conk: I'm at a loss for words!
Endy: Despite being ‘at a loss for words’, Evil Conk yelled at me for the next 45 minutes.'
Evil Conk on Monday: *glues a dime to the sidewalk* Heh heh heh.
Evil Conk on Wednesday: *walking down the street* Ooh hey! A dime!