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Vi’s 15th birthday approaches with little fanfare. Things in Zaun are rough. Ever since the explosion, and everything that followed, Topside has tried to tighten their fist around the throat of the Undercity. They’ve cut most trade from Piltover to Zaun, so Zaun has done the same in reverse. The passageways and bridges that connect the two cities have checkpoints on both sides. No one and nothing goes through.
It’s been a lean year, even as Vander has tried to shield the four of them from the worst of it. But, he can’t stop Vi hearing it from Silco.
Silco reminds Vi that this is what her “peaceful revolution” cost; this is what the Undercity has to pay for not using Shimmer, for not striking with violence when they had the chance, for the continuing absence of ‘true’ war. Every death from starvation, lack of medical care, or general lack of resources, those are the deaths they pay with instead. All this suffering could have been avoided, Silco reminds her. Vi reminds him of his own words.
“This suffering is different. It will end.”
Vi needs it to. She holds on to the thought, on to the hope when she twists and turns at night in the dark without sleep. When she looks at Powder’s face and tries to remember if it was rounder yesterday.
Sevika is the one who reminds her that it is necessary. During one of their weekly training sessions, she clasps a hand on Vi’s shoulder and tells her, “We endure it, so one day, they won’t have to. You will be hit in every fight. The key is enduring it longer than your opponent.”
“Can we endure this? How long can we survive like this?”
“As long as it takes. Now, keep your left guard up; you’re letting too many hits get to your ribs.”
Sevika swings at Vi, and they’re off again. Vi loses herself to the rhythm and flow of the fight. She lets her anger flow over her and sharpen her, to be better, faster, stronger. Summer has been winding down to an end. The hungry months of winter are loaded in the barrel. Vi can’t afford to be weak. She needs to be strong. For Zaun. For Powder.
It’s late when she finally gets home. Silco had to meet with the chembarons and called her and Sevika to play as backup and eaves-droppers. Vi nearly asphyxiated from the sheer amount of hot air that Renni tried to blow up Silco’s ass, and she’s tired and hungry. Vi’s missed dinner, but someone has left some stew for her on the stove. Claggor is working by candlelight at the dinner table, as Vi slides in next to him. He’s started working with a botanist Silco knew from the Esplanade to develop plants that can grow in the Sumps. They’ve made good progress on something they’ve been calling noxweed; it’s a variation of sumpweed that pulls toxins out of the ground like a dream and even leaves the soil richer than when it was planted. It, hypothetically, hybridizes with the wild sumpweed that lives in the depths of the Fissures, potentially spreading the effects further. It isn’t edible, but once they can roll it out and it does it’s job, they’ll be able to plant real food and feed people. But they aren’t there yet. Vi peers over Claggor’s notes.
“What’s the issue now?” She asks.
“The most recent hybridization process, the third generation isn’t accumulating toxins as we’d like. It’s like the original mutation has disappeared, and Frič doesn’t know why.” Claggor rubs his face. “And we’re almost out of our sumpweed samples. I’ll need to head down to the Sumps tomorrow and gather more. And there’s a few other plants I’ve been hoping to get my hands on, but I don’t know if I can spare the time to search for them.”
“What if we all go? You, me, Mylo, Powder, Ekko if Benzo can spare him. You can show us and we can be your extra hands,” Vi suggests.
“You’re not working tomorrow?”
“Nah, they don’t need my skills.” No one needs punching, no small spaces to crawl through, and Silco is actually busy and doesn’t have any busywork to assign to Vi.
“Huh, rare. Yeah, well, it’d be helpful.” Claggor shrugs. “I can drag just Mylo though if you want to spend your day off doing something else.”
“No, it’ll be fun. We haven’t hung out in a while.”
Claggor just raises an eyebrow at her as if to ask whose fault that is, but he says nothing. The irritation rises, but Vi is too tired for it. She finishes her stew and falls asleep on Claggor’s shoulder, as he continues working.
Which leads them to today, to now, deep in the old mining tunnels, and Claggor leading the group deeper. They were using their hand torches, but Powder figured out that the moss glows when there’s enough noise, so they’ve been clapping their way along.
“I wonder if it’s edible,” Mylo plucks on of the moss’s glowing polyps.
“Why don’t you eat it and find out?” Vi asks tiredly. She slept poorly last night. Her mind wouldn’t let her let go of all the things they need to get done. She still feels disconnected and distracted. She yawns.
Mylo stares at the polyp suspiciously and misses Powder and Ekko sneaking up behind him. Ekko grabs his arm, and Powder stuffs the glowing thing into his mouth. There’s a weird squelching noise, as it pops. Ekko lets go of him and high-fives Powder. Mylo coughs and splutters, his mouth now glowing too. He tries to spit it out but just manages to get glowing spittle on his shirt. Vi laughs.
“Verdict?” She asks, holding out water.
“Tastes foul, but not immediately poisonous.” Mylo pours water into his mouth, rinses, and spits a glowing puddle onto the ground.
“Claggor? Should we grab some of the moss?”
“Eh, no need. Unless we need luminescent food for some reason. Or you want it to taste bad. The samples I need should be just a little farther. It says it opens up ahead.”
They walk for awhile longer. Powder slides up to Vi and intwines their hands.
“You should laugh more,” she whispers, “I haven’t heard you laugh in a while.”
Vi thinks back to the last time she laughed. It couldn’t have been that long ago. She’s just been busy. Yet, she can’t remember when it was. Perhaps, Powder has a point.
“Well, obviously my new coworkers are all old fogies and are nowhere near as funny as you.”
“What are you even working on? Why don’t we get to hang out any more?”
“Ah, you know, work stuff. It’s boring, really,” Vi lies.
It’s hard. Vi doesn’t enjoy lying to Powder, but a lot of the time it is boring. And it’s not like Vi doesn’t think that Powder wouldn’t enjoy hearing stories about what Vi actually does, but if Powder thinks it’s cool, she’ll want to join and that’s too dangerous. Besides, and Vi definitely won’t say this to anyone, but it’s nice not to have to be the leader all the damn time. She’s basically the bottom rung during actual jobs for all that she’s Vander’s daughter and she hangs out with Silco a bunch. Sevika treats Vi like an apprentice, and the rest of the crew kinda follow her lead. Not quite an adult, not a kid, they look out for her. Things are more dangerous, so they’re all looking out for each other more, but Vi knows people have been taking hits meant for her. Cleg seems to take the brunt of it, meat shield that he is, but Vi knows that the others take more damage so she can take less. It’s nice, and it’s motivation to get better faster.
She hides all of the work from Powder, or at least tries to.
“Are we going to go on another job soon?” Powder asks, “I know, I know, I messed up on that last job, but the chomp-chomps work now! And Mr. Monkey is almost ready; Ekko still needs to get me a new winder, but we’re so close. Also, Ekko and I have been working on these floating boards, so we can ride down the gas currents. They’re still in testing phase, but soon!”
“Sorry, Pow-Pow, I don’t think we’re going on another job anytime soon. It’s just been some projects around the Lanes for Vander and folks.”
“Projects? What projects? Can I help?”
“No!” A jolt of fear runs through Vi at the thought of Powder in the middle of it all. “No. It’s — the projects can be dangerous. Explosively dangerous, okay?”
“Then I should come, so you’ve got someone watching your back! I can—”
“I said no!” Vi shouts, and the tunnel explodes in light. Powder takes a step back. Vi takes a deep breath and unclenches her fist. She doesn’t remember clenching them.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled. I’m sorry, Powder.” She kneels, in an attempt to look Powder in the eye, but she has to look up instead. Her little sister is starting to get tall. Vi continues, “Your safety is the most important thing to me. I want to keep you safe. That’s my number one priority, keeping you and our family safe. I know you want to help, but my work is complicated, and I won’t be able to focus if I’m worried about you.”
“You don’t need to worry about me. I can take care of myself.”
“I know you can. But, I’m your big sister. I’m always gonna worry about you.”
“I worry about you too, Vi.”
Vi cups Powder’s face and taps their foreheads together. Powder throws her arms around Vi for a hug, and Vi squeezes her tightly.
“Don’t leave me,” Powder whispers into Vi’s hair, and Vi’s heart breaks. She runs a hand through Powder’s hair. She chokes down a sob.
“I’m never gonna leave you. I’m always here for you. Even if we’re apart,” Vi manages to say without crying. She doesn’t want to let Powder go, doesn’t want to make her worry, wants to stay here in this moment where they’re safe and okay.
But then Mylo interrupts. He drawls, “Hey, there’s some boarded up room down a ways. Looks like someone’s old lair. If you wanna stop hugging and check it out.”
Vi bops their foreheads together again before releasing Powder and standing up. She cuffs Mylo on the back of the head, as she goes to help Claggor remove some of the rotting boards from in front of the door. Mylo picks the lock, and Powder and Ekko race into the dark with their torches to light the way. Soon, the room inside glows in lamplight. Vi glances back down the tunnel before stepping in last. Just in case.
It’s abandoned, and old, but roomy. There’s a desk and a wardrobe to one side, a bed and chest on the other. Two jackets, one inside the other, hang on pegs behind the desk. Pickaxes and other mining equipment are on piled together on the floor by the door. Mylo is already peering at the chest’s lock, and Claggor looks through the wardrobe. Vi goes to the desk and brushes through the scattered papers. Some of them have familiar handwriting, and one in particular has very familiar handwriting. It’s addressed to Silco, folded three times and seemingly never opened or read. The paper has gone soft with age; she has to be careful opening it. She reads the letter.
It’s very Vander, and it’s very terrible.
Janna alive, it’s a good thing Silco never found this. He might have tried to kill Vander the moment he finished reading. Might have tried to drown him in the Pilt. It’s so bad. It is earnest and sincere, but it’s so vague and not that much of an apology. Come on, Vander.
Vi tucks it into her jacket.
“Guys,” she calls to get everyone’s attention, “This is Vander’s old shit. We can come back after he goes through it. Stop snooping. Or stealing, Mylo.”
“Vander won’t give a shit,” Mylo whines. Vi glares at him.
Of course, Vander won’t mind, but Vi’s spied the S on the smaller jacket, the two tin coffee mugs, the two dented pillows. Silco would definitely mind if someone found something about him in here. She’s not surprised that Vander boarded this place up at some point.
“That’s not our decision to make,” Vi tells Mylo, “Let’s go.”
She ushers everyone out, and they manage to cover up the entrance pretty well. So few people travel down this way that Vi doesn’t think it really matters. They gather the rest of Claggor’s samples. She’s lost in her own thoughts, but no one really tries to talk to her. On the way back, Vi pulls Powder back to walk with her, just out of earshot of the others.
“Do you remember, when we were little, Mom and Dad had a friend? He had long hair; his name was Silco. He gave you that airship mobile?”
Powder frowns and shakes her head. She answers, “No, I don’t remember anyone named Silco. Why?”
Vi pauses and then says, “Silco is one of the people I’ve been working with. I only kinda remembered him, so I was wondering if you had any memories of him. I can’t get a read on him.”
“Why don’t you ask Vander? If he was friends with Mom and Dad, Vander probably knew him.”
“Yeah, I probably should. I’ll ask him when we get back.”
They walk side by side for awhile. Powder claps to keep the moss glowing. Vi ruffles her hair. Powder’s gonna need a hair cut soon, or she’ll need to start learning how to braid. Powder ducks away and runs back up to the others.
Vi stays behind in her thoughts.
…
By the time they get back to the Last Drop, the letter is burning a hole in Vi’s pocket, and her anger is starting to burn as well. She can’t slam the door open like she wants because she walks in last, but she stomps up to the bar. The Last Drop isn’t busy in the afternoons; Vander is just cleaning behind the bar.
“I need to talk to you.” She doesn’t wait for him to respond, doesn’t care that’s she’s interrupted Claggor’s story, just stomps up the stairs to Vander’s office/storage room. Vander prefers to work down at the bar where they can all sit together even if it means dragging the giant, heavy accounting books up and down the stairs. Vi throws the letter down on the desk and goes to stare out the window. Then, she starts pacing. It’s not long at all until Vander’s heavy steps can be hear coming up the stairs. He knocks unnecessarily before entering. He shuts the door softly behind him.
“So,” Vander looks at her. “What’s the pebble in your shoe? What’s all this about then?”
“We found your old hideout. I found this.” Vi picks up the letter again and shoves it into his chest. The anger keeps bubbling, and she can’t stop moving. She continues, “It’s terrible. This is a truly bad apology, Vander. You can’t say that you’re bad at something in the beginning as if it excuses the rest. You tried to kill him, and this is your apology?”
Vander unfolds the letter carefully, cradling it in his hands. He reads it carefully, as Vi continues to pace. He sighs and leans back on the couch.
“Gods, I barely remember writing this. It was a handful of weeks since the bridge, and you and Powder, you kept getting these nightmares. Couldn’t make it through the night without one of you screaming. Or hell, I was having bad dreams too. I think I just stopped sleeping for a week or two, staying up just in case. I went looking for him when I had a moment to spare. Thought maybe if I’d find him, if I could apologize, maybe he’d stop haunting me.”
Vander quiets, folding the letter back up.
“You should apologize. For real. To his face.”
“I don’t think he wants to hear that from me anymore. Not after all this time.”
“Maybe. But, he needs to. I think. I think he’s stuck there, in the river, maybe. I don’t know if he can get out by himself.”
Vi can’t stop pacing. She’s not sure that she’s making much sense, and she feels unsettled and shaken for a reason she can’t place.
“Alright,” Vander accepts, easily. Too easily, but Vi is too agitated to think about it. “I’ll talk to him. I’ll think of something. Now, do you want to tell me what this is really about?”
He stops her pacing, reaching out to gently grab her arm. She stops. Breathes. The river threatens, pounding at her walls. It thuds in time with her heartbeat. She shoves at it, forcing the anger and fear away. She breathes.
“I think I’m going to hurt someone.”
It comes out of her, a whisper, a drop over the walls. Vi sags, as she realizes the truth of it for the first time. She continues on.
“I’m so angry. All the time. It used to go away. I’d be angry, but it would fade. Now — now, it’s like there’s this storm cloud on the horizon and any second it’s gonna start and the anger is gonna flood over the banks and I’m just going to get swept away and it’s gonna hurt someone. I’m going to hurt someone. I yelled at Powder today over — over nothing! And it didn’t go away. I’m still so angry!”
Vi sobs when she wants to scream. Her nails dig into the palms of her hands. Tears have started running down her face. She can’t control any of it. Vander pulls her gently to sit on the coffee table across from him. He takes her hand in his and uncurls her fingers one by one. She tries to breathe normally. Vander keeps his larger hands in hers, intwining their fingers. Vi can’t look at him, can’t see his eyes and their pity or anger or sadness.
“I can’t tell you that you’re never gonna hurt someone. But, I can tell you, that you ain’t me. And Powder ain’t Silco. You’re not gonna make my mistakes. You’re young, and you will make mistakes, don’t get me wrong. You’re going to fuck up and maybe you’ll hurt someone. You might even hurt Powder.” He holds her hands even as she jerks away. Vander continues, “But, you’ll apologize and try to do better and fuck that up to. You’re going to keep fucking up; that’s just part of life. Just fucking it up until you figure it out.” He squeezes her hands hard. The storm cloud backs off, a little. She gets up and comes to sit next to him, slumping against his side as Vander pulls her in close.
“And, I’m sorry,” he continues, “For making you feel like you can’t fuck up. I put a lot on your shoulders because I know you have such potential. The good you can do, for the others, for Zaun, for Powder — the good you’re already doing, it’s amazing. You’ve got such a good heart, kiddo. I’m sorry that I haven’t seen how much it’s taking out of you. I’m sorry that I haven’t seen that you’re struggling. I’ll talk to Silco. You need to take a break.”
“What? No, Vander, don’t bench me. I can do the work. I just gotta get the anger under control. I can get it under control.”
“That’s what the break is for. Vi, if you don’t take a break, that flood you’re worried about, it’s gonna come and when it breaks, it’s gonna be all there is. Sometimes, when things get bad, when things are bad for too long, we adjust to it. Our bodies and our minds, they get used to being ready for a fight. But, it means they forget how to react to the good things. We forget to see that there’s good along with the bad.”
Vi thinks of a burning orange eye and the drowned man it belongs to.
Vander continues, “You have to remind yourself of the good, relearn how to appreciate it, relax. You have to refill your own cup before filling everyone else’s.”
“How am I supposed to relax when I could be out there helping? Zaun is suffering, now. How can I ignore that?”
“Are you from Zaun?”
“What? Yeah, of course. Are you okay?”
“And what is Zaun? It’s not just a place; it’s the people that make it up. When you help one individual Zaunite, you help all of Zaun. You are a Zaunite; you are Zaun. Helping yourself helps Zaun.”
Vi frowns.
He is right. Zaun is its people, and there is value in helping the individuals that make up that people. It’s a lot of what Vander does for their revolution, helping the individuals. But, she’s supposed to be helping, not being helped. She’s not weak. Vi doesn’t need help.
Except.
Except she does. She needs Vander to tell her it’s going to be okay and give her a hug. She needs Sevika to fix her guard. She needs Silco to organize and plan. She needs Powder and her optimism. She needs and needs and needs. Vi needs help. And possibly, she also needs rest. Her birthday is coming up. It could be a birthday present to herself. Just a week, maybe a little more. She closes her eyes, lets tears fall, and snuggles closer to Vander, who hugs her tighter with one massive arm.
Vi is a little surprised that no one else recognized it was Vander’s hideout they found. Who else would wear a jacket that big?
“Can I ask you a personal question? About the hideout. Sort of.”
“Oh no. Ask away.”
“Were you and Silco — did you — were you together? The hideout, it looked like — well,” Vi trails off. Vander snorts and then sighs.
“It was complicated. Me n’ Sil, we’d just gotten together a while before he went away. We’d been living out of each other’s pockets for a while, ‘tween the mines n’ the organizing n’ everything. And it was tight quarters back then. I didn’t have the Drop yet. But what we had, it was ours, and it was good. Told him not to wait for me, that he should enjoy his travels, and we’d figure the rest out when he got back. He came back different. He’d been gone a long time. I was different too. We fell back together, but it was different, trying to recreate something old rather than figuring ourselves out anew. And then the bridge.”
“Did you love him?”
“Like coal loves to burn. Still do, I think. Don’t think it’d hurt so much if I didn’t.”
Vi hugs Vander again. He gives her a squeeze and releases her. She sits up, a little confused. He removes the bracer. It’s the first time Vi has seen him without it since the bridge.
He doesn’t cover the scar up with make-up like Silco sometimes does, so creeping discoloration from the river stands out against his warm skin. The scar is long and deep, a canyon that seeps out black and grey like a wound that’s still bleeding. Vi touches it gently. Silco got Vander deep. She covers it with her hand and uses her other arm to hug Vander. It’s an awkward angle, but she needs him to understand all that she can’t articulate.
“Even if he doesn’t want your apology, I think you need to say it. Fuck up, apologize, and do better next time, right?”
“It’s cheating to use my own words again me,” Vander huffs and ruffles her hair. She gives him a light shove and laughs. The anger waits, sitting out on the horizon, but it will wait a little while longer. She’s got a birthday to celebrate.
…
Silco always seems to know when Vi is coming even though she changes her time of arrival, how she enters the building, how she approaches the building, even the location she leaves from. But, no matter what evasive and stealth tactics she tries, he seems to be waiting for her when she arrives.
“I’ve spoken to Vander,” he says without preamble, as she climbs through the window into his office, “And I won’t be giving you any work until after your birthday.”
She walks around his desk and spins one of the chairs around to face him, sitting backwards on it. He continues, focusing on his paperwork.
“How generous, Uncle. Sure you won’t miss me?”
Silco sighs, “The way one misses a stray dog, perhaps.”
“As long as you won’t miss me too much. You’re coming to my party right? Vander’s going to make a cake, and there’s gonna be booze.”
“Of course, there will be booze; it’s in a bar.” Silco looks up at her unimpressed. “Unfortunately, I have prior commitments.”
“I haven’t even told you when it’s going to be!”
“I know what day your birthday is.”
“No, you don’t. Liar.”
“Calling me a liar won’t get me to your party, Violet. I have no interest in hanging around a group of children and, worse, teenagers. The fact that I have work is just an added bonus to help me avoid the party.”
“It won’t just be teenagers!” She counters, “Sevika has already said that she’s coming! And it’s an open door. Anyone could show up. Since it’s been nearly a year, Vander thought it’d be good to bring the community together to celebrate, remind ourselves of the people we’re fighting for and the good we can have. Think about the message it would send if you came! The Eye of Zaun and the Hound of the Underground, together again.”
“Everyone who matters already knows that Vander and I are working together. Your involvement in my organization has not gone unnoticed. I don’t need to go to a party to convince anyone.”
“The two of you are never seen public together though. If people think I’m just some liaison between the two of you, it makes it seem like your partnership is just on paper, that it isn’t real.” Vi can see Silco thinking it through. His working relationship with Vander is a series of compromises, but it gives both of them in-roads where there were none before, and it is important that they present a unified front against the real enemy. Vi pleads, “Come to the party. Be seen hanging out. Or are you scared to be seen having fun?”
“Fine. I will come for long enough to show that Vander and I are on speaking terms, and then I will go.”
“Stay at least an hour.”
“Fifteen minutes.”
“Forty five.”
“Thirty, and Vander pays for my drinks.”
“Deal.” Vi holds out her had for Silco to shake, and he takes it.
“Now, I can’t imagine you snuck over here just invite me to your birthday party. What do you really want?”
Vi frowns. Silco just stares at her. She huffs and slouches more against the back of the chair.
“How are you and Vander doing? I’m a little worried about you fighting since I’m not there to mediate.”
Silco arches his eyebrow at her, deeply unimpressed.
“He hasn’t tried to kill me again. Nor, have I tried to kill him in the year we’ve been working together. I doubt a week without your presence will have a significantly deleterious impact.”
“It seems like there’s some unresolved tensions there though. Like, have you actually talked about it at all since you started working working together again?”
Silco narrows his eyes at her. Vi tries to look impartial, although hope, fear, and interest flow through her in equal measure.
“We talk with frequency.”
“Bleh! You know that’s not what I’m asking.”
“Why are you asking?”
Vi shrugs, tries to appear nonchalant. She’s so fucking chalant though. She replies, “Was exploring some of the old mine tunnels and found what looked to be your and Vander’s old hidey-hole.”
“Oh, I hadn’t thought of that place in a long time.” He leans back in his chair, steepling his fingers. “I’m surprised you found anything still together enough to identify it as ours.”
“Yeah, well, the door was boarded up, and it looked like nothing and no one had been in there for a long time.”
“That’s — well, I don’t know why I am surprised. Of course, Vander wanted to hide any proof of our previous relationship; shame was a powerful motivator for him.”
“I think he was trying to protect your privacy, keep your old shit from prying eyes or hands.”
“Ah yes, a mausoleum for he made for me, I’m sure.”
“That’s unfair.”
“He tried to kill me and then boarded up all evidence of our life together. I’m being quite fair,” Silco sneers.
“I doubt he meant to—”
“Before the river, I never imagined he would try to kill me, Violet,” Silco sighs, running a hand through his hair, “Can we drop this and can you accept that neither of us actually know that man’s mind?”
“I’ll drop it,” Vi says, “If you talk to him about it.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“And there’s no pollution in the Pilt. Literally everyone knows that there’s shit between the two of you that you need to talk about.” Vi grins at Silco’s scowl. She’s worked with Silco long enough to know the different shapes of his scowl, and this scowl is one of angry defeat. She’s getting her way, and these two old idiots will talk.
“Fine, I supposed there are things Vander and I could talk about.”
“You know when would be a great time to talk? At my birthday party! After you spend the thirty minutes we agreed on at the actual party.” Vi stands as she speaks, shooting finger guns at Silco.
Silco flaps a hand at her, as if to swat her away like an annoying bug, and says "Yes, your party, that I am definitely going to attend.”
He turns back to his papers on the table, and Vi strikes, running around and throwing her arms around Silco. He stiffens in the hug. Vi gives him a tight squeeze, before she lets him go and vaults out the window before Silco can even respond.
Vi smiles to herself as she scrambles and bounds back towards the Last Drop. Her short-term goals have been achieved, and she’s got a party to look forward to.