Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

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May, 1973…

The heat and humidity of the windowless room was so oppressive that at times that it made Eugene feel lightheaded and it was more often than not that he left work with damp socks and a wet t-shirt, despite his apron. The noise was also something to contend with- the hiss of the sprayers and the dish machine, the loud metallic clanking of pots and pans against the industrial sink, the radio blaring to offer something besides the loud metallic clanking to listen to all day, and of course, the yelling of his coworkers to hear each other over everything. Even with his hearing functioning less than it used to it was a lot of sound to contend with. It wasn’t uncommon for Eugene to end his day with a massive headache from the constant noise. 

Despite all that, he took comfort in knowing that this wasn’t the worst job he had ever had, not by a long shot. Sure, he was only in this position because he couldn’t hack it as a waiter and definitely did not have the culinary skill to be a line cook and after three years he still hadn’t bothered to find something besides this so-called temporary job. As he glanced over his shoulder at the large circular clock that hung on the wall, he took even more comfort in knowing he was at the end of his shift. Once Eugene finished spraying down the large metal soup pot, he set it on the plastic tray to be sent through the machine before he swiftly stepped away from the line, quickly undid his apron, and tossed the soiled material into the dirty laundry bin set up at the end of the line. 

“I’ll see y’all tomorrow,” Eugene called over his shoulder, voice just barely rising above the din. 

There was a light smattering of goodbyes as he rounded the corner to where the time clock was set up. It took his tired eyes a moment to find his card but once he did, Eugene promptly clocked himself out before he pushed the door that led from the dishroom to the dining area. He sent a quick wave to Helen, who was so hard at work behind the counter she could only spare him a quick smile as she managed numerous tasks at once, before he departed the contained cacophony of the diner and traded it for the clamor of the bustling streets of Brooklyn. Eugene paused a few feet away from the door to retrieve the last cigarette from his pack. He lit it and carefully folded the empty packaging back into his front jeans pocket before he continued down the street. 

The weather was not only finally getting warmer but staying warmer and the streets were alive with people taking advantage of it. As Eugene headed home, he quietly mused on how he might spend this fine late spring evening. It was Faye’s night to cook dinner so he was at least guaranteed a good home cooked meal- Faye was light years ahead of Eugene and Bill in terms of culinary skills. In the two years they’ve lived together, they tried to each take one night a week to provide dinner for the other roommates- Eugene had Monday, Faye, Wednesday, and Bill, who almost always supplied dinner via takeout orders on his dime, had Friday. 

Maybe he’d spend some time out on the fire escape, reading or listening to whatever record Faye decided to play that night. Or maybe he’d end up listening to the Yankees game come in through the soft crackle of his transistor radio- if there was a Yankees game on, Eugene almost always got overruled seeing as both Bill and Faye were massive fans. Their shared enthusiasm was the reason why Bill gave Faye a shot in the first place when Eugene first started hanging out with her years ago. 

As Eugene ran into the bodega nearby his apartment to grab a new pack of cigarettes and a few groceries, he mentally kicked himself. He meant to use the phone at the diner to call Faye to see if she needed anything to make dinner before he left work. She was usually a very organized person but as she had been very busy recently with end-of-the school year festivities it was entirely possible that something slipped her mind. 

Bill was off today , Eugene reminded himself as he exited the bodega with his purchases in hand. If she forgot something she would’ve sent Bill out to grab it for her.

The number of people who could bend the iron will of Bill Leyden was a very exclusive list but Faye Tanner was rather high up on the list- the only people above her were Bill’s own mother and Thurmon Munson of the New York Yankees. Eugene placed himself at a very respectable fourth place; at the end of the day he was happy to be on the list at all. So if Faye needed an ingredient for dinner tonight while Bill spent the day lounging on the couch or the fire escape, he was confident she could rather easily convince him to run to the bodega for her.  

It was sometimes comical to think about how when Eugene met Faye back in 1970 after his move to Brooklyn, Bill had wanted almost nothing to do with her. Now, however, not only did they share an apartment with Eugene but they laughed and fought as if they were long lost siblings. It made sense Faye treated Bill that way, seeing as she already had a biological brother just slightly younger than Bill who he apparently shared more than a few character traits with but Bill reciprocating the relationship still surprised Eugene slightly. He never asked, because the ‘why’ didn’t really matter at the end of the day, but if he had to guess it was perhaps all the hardships Faye had unfairly endured already in her short life reminded Bill a bit of someone else he held so dearly- his mother. Both women had lost what should’ve been their life partner far too early in life but instead of letting that crush them they kept their heads up and kept moving. Eugene was sure Bill couldn’t help but respect the woman for that and any interests they shared in common only helped to endear her to him until it was too late to escape. 

“Hey, I’m home!” Eugene called out a few minutes later as he entered his apartment, only slightly winded from the three flights of stairs. 

After Eugene toed off his shoes and lightly kicked them towards the shoe rack, he glanced in the kitchen and found multiple cooking ingredients laid out on the counter in various states of preparation but no Faye. Continuing further into the apartment, Eugene entered the living room but found it void of Bill laying sprawled out on the couch. Upon further inspection, however, Eugene saw the living room window thrown open and could hear the faint sounds of a radio announcer filtering in from the street; most likely Bill was smoking on the fire escape while he listened to the game on Eugene’s radio. Ducking back into the kitchen from the hallway door, Eugene almost ran smack into Faye as she entered from the living room door. 

“Gene!” she exclaimed, her blue eyes wide as she quickly jumped backwards. 

“Sorry!” Eugene said at the same time as he took a step backwards.

“No, don’t apologize, I wasn’t paying attention!” Faye insisted as she reached out and gave Eugene a reassuring pat on the bicep. 

“No harm, no foul,” Eugene said easily before he set his groceries down on the very limited unused counter space. Eugene watched for a moment as Faye used a paisley scarf to cover the top of her head and keep back her long, dark brown wavy hair before he glanced at the numerous ingredients laid out around the room. “So, what’s on the menu for tonight,” he asked as he began unpacking his purchases. 

“My mom’s meatloaf,” she answered with a smile before she crossed the kitchen to quickly wash her hands in the sink; Mrs. Tanner’s meatloaf was a fan favorite in their apartment. “How was work?”

“It was work,” Eugene shrugged; he was a dishwasher, the most exciting thing that ever happened was when one of his coworker’s crazy ex’s showed up at work and he had to lie for them and say they weren’t there. “What about you? The kids behaving?

“It’s almost summer vacation and they’re all eight years old, do you think they’re behaving?” she asked as she sent a smirk over her shoulder. For the past year, Faye worked as the most proud second grade teacher in all of Brooklyn. She was finishing up her first year as a full-time educator so she was still working out the kinks in her yearly routine, which caused her a bit of stress in between corralling her rambunctious students. “At least they aren’t trying to make me do standardized tests. I can’t imagine trying to get those kids to sit still long enough to do an examination- they can barely focus long enough to get their worksheets done.”

“The weather’s finally getting nice, I don’t think anyone can focus for very long,” Eugene pointed out as he turned around and leaned against the counter. “So, do you need a hand with anything?”

“What I need a hand with is keeping Bill out of the kitchen,” Faye said with a slightly annoyed expression on his face before she gestured vaguely over her shoulder towards the living room door. “So go sit on the couch with him, kick your feet up and relax, keep him out of my hair for an hour.”

“You got it, boss,” he said with a lazy salute before he pushed off the counter and exited the kitchen. 

Just as he was entering the living room, Bill was climbing back into the apartment via the window, looking irritated with the radio in hand.

“How’s the game?” he asked politely, even though he could guess based off of his sour expression. 

“Fucking lost,” he responded with a grunt as he set the radio down slightly harder than necessary on their dinning table. “Tied one-one for most of the game and then we fucked up the double play and Cleveland scored in the bottom of the eighth. It’s bullshit.”

“There’s always tomorrow,” Eugene said reassuringly before he crossed the living area to sit on their well loved couch. . 

“No game tomorrow,” Bill corrected with a grunt as he easily launched himself over the arm of the couch and into the open seat to the left of Eugene.

“A day without baseball? How will you survive?” Eugene asked sarcastically before Bill lightly whacked him in the face with a tattered throw pillow. 

Kicking his feet up onto the coffee table, Bill grabbed the television remote from where it sat between them and after a moment settled on an old Star Trek rerun; Bill didn’t love Star Trek but he knew Eugene enjoyed it. Wrapping his arms lightly around the pillow, Eugene sat back and settled in to watch the escapades of the crew of the Enterprise. His exhaustion from the day slowly crept up on him and between the heat of the oven seeping into the living room, the comfort of the worn couch, and Bill’s presence next to him, Eugene began to feel his eyelids get heavy. 

As Captain Kirk rushed to construct a weapon to take down the enemy Gorn, Eugene was just beginning to consider calling it a night after dinner when suddenly and unexpectedly, there was a loud series of knocks on the front door of the apartment. Bill and Eugene quickly exchanged questioning looks, immediately answering the others' silent question if they knew who was at the door. 

“Can one of you boys please get that?” Faye’s slightly exasperated voice came from the kitchen. 

“You expecting company?” Bill asked as Eugene got up from his seat, yawning heavily into the crook of his elbow as he rose. 

“No, but my hands are currently covered in raw ground beef so I need one of you to answer the door,” she answered tersely. 

“I got it,” Eugene announced for the whole apartment to hear while he threw Bill a flat look before he rounded the couch and walked to the door. “Faye, you sure you don’t need any help with dinner?” he asked, calling over his shoulder as his hand gripped the doorknob.

“Yes, I want this to come out good , if I want it a little burnt I’ll let you know!” she called out from the kitchen; Eugene could easily picture the teasing smile he heard in her voice. 

“Hey, it wouldn’t be burnt , just a bit dry. I’ve gotten better with my cooking,” Eugene retorted, fake offense in his voice as he twisted the knob and let the door fly open. “Hello-”

Any drowsiness he felt was effectively wiped from every pore of his body and in its place all Eugene could feel was a weird, almost out of body sensation. For a long moment, Eugene was almost convinced he was simply experiencing a very intense bout of psychosis, his time serving in Vietnam having finally caught up to him because how else was he supposed to explain none other than Merriell Snafu Shelton standing on his doorstep in Brooklyn. Skin still olive toned and tanned, dark hair a mess of curls, sharp jaw and pale eyes that always held a surprising intensity to them just like it was all ripped perfectly from his memories… Eugene only accepted that this was real because if it were psychosis it was unlikely he would be seeing Snafu in civilian clothes with a different haircut, looking a little more well fed and slightly better rested than he did in his memory. Staring unblinking at the man standing before him, Eugene realized belatedly that he had seemingly forgotten how to breathe. Feeling the tightness in his chest, Eugene forced himself to breathe in and quickly closed his eyes; when he opened them, however, the vision in front of him refused to change. 

Snafu Shelton… the last time he had seen the man was back in 1968, in their tent outside of Hue, with the bombs and the gunfire finally dying down in the distance, weeks of non stop brutal fighting finally creeping up on him… 

“Hey, Sledgehammer,” Shelton finally spoke up.

His fucking voice . Whatever memories Eugene had of his voice they did not do it justice because just hearing his nickname- the one Snafu himself bestowed upon him -spoken in his cajun drawl dragged long shoved away memories right to the surface of his mind-  

“I ain’t gonna let anything getcha. I’ll stay right here. Promise.”

All the thoughts, feelings, and intense emotions that were latched to the sound of his voice crystalized in the forefront of Eugene’s mind but instead of offering clarity, Eugene felt as if his brain had simply shut off. 

“Gene? Who's at the door?” Faye’s voice called out to him; her familiar voice felt distorted, as if she were speaking to him from underwater. 

Staring at Shelton, Eugene watched as the man cocked a classic crooked smirk; it was the spark that set off the powder keg of his mind. Before the man could say anything else, before Eugene’s mind could conjure up any other memories he had long ago convinced himself he was over, Eugene felt his right arm wind back. Feeling like he was working on autopilot and unable to stop himself, Eugene’s fist connected against the solid wall that was Snafu’s jaw.

Whether it was some unfound strength of Eugene’s or Shelton simply caught completely unaware, the resulting hit sent Snafu tumbling to the floor- the noise of which promptly alerted Faye and Bill of the commotion at the door. Eugene could hear his roommates’ voices calling for him, concerned about whatever the hell had just happened, but it felt miles away from Eugene at the time. He could only spare a brief moment of time on the image of Snafu sprawled out on his back in the middle of the hallway before Eugene mindlessly ducked into his apartment to grab his shoes. Shoes still in hand, he easily stepped over the man and quickly headed down the hallway and down the stairs. 

As Eugene burst through the exterior door out onto the street, he only paused long enough to shove his feet into his worn tennis shoes before he let his feet take his frazzled mind wherever they wanted, as long as it was far away from whatever the hell was unfolding in his apartment hallway. He tried to keep calm, keep steady and focused on the present but as his feet hurriedly carried him down the bustling neighborhood streets, Eugene could feel himself tense up, every loud noise not just a side effect of city living but a possible threat in his addled mind. 

Stay focused , Eugene told himself as he took in a deep breath and took in the clearly American looking cars on the street, the dry air blowing across his face, long haircuts on men and western civilian clothes- anything that couldn’t fit into his memories of Vietnam, anything that could signal to him he was safe if he felt himself begin to slip back. You’re okay. 

“You’re okay,” Eugene told himself under his breath for emphasis when he began to doubt himself. “Just breathe .”

Eugene prided himself on how hard he had worked on himself, on his adjustment back to civilian life, on managing the invisible scars that now riddled his body and mind. He had long ago accepted that he would never fully heal from his experiences over there but recently he implemented new techniques to keep himself calm, keep himself tied to reality and the present. Eugene still had nightmares, of course, he was sure those would never go away, but they were fewer and farther in between than they had been years ago. He knew most of his progress was thanks to his time spent working with the VVAW; being around like-minded men, who knew what he had been through, what he was trying to move on from, people who were genuinely trying to help him, it had done wonders for him. Up until about an hour ago, Eugene felt about as much at peace about his wartime experience as any decent person probably could. The memories of Vietnam were difficult at best but he had managed to pack most of them away in a neat box at the back of his mind where they usually only made reappearances late at night in the privacy of his bedroom.

Now, however, with the reappearance of Snafu Shelton he could already feel the walls of that box begin to buckle, the temporary structure not strong enough to fight against the wave of emotion that could only be elicited by the likes of that man. The fact that perhaps he wasn’t as secure and well-adjusted as he thought he was, if all it took was an unexpected ‘hello’ to send him throwing punches and spiraling down the city streets, made him feel sick with anxiety. 

Keeping his head down, Eugene focused on his even breathing while he tried not to dwell on what long repressed memories or nightmares might rear their ugly head once the walls went crumbling down- because if there was one thing Eugene took to heart from his Marine training it was that he should always prepare for the worst case scenario. 

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June 1966…

Eugene kept his head down as he slowly meandered down the forest path; he told himself it was so he could keep his bicycle wheel from hitting a rogue tree root or a rock that might cause him to pop a tire or stumble, not because he was pouting and he didn’t want Sidney to see. He was eighteen years old, he wasn’t a child and just because he wasn’t getting his way didn’t mean he should pout. He was a man . 

He was a man who just happened to be severely disappointed that his best friend in the whole world was able to sign up and join the Marines while Eugene was being told ‘no’ by his parents. They had planned on signing up together, using the Buddy Plan to allow them to enlist together and go through basic together. The two friends had talked about it nonstop during their final year of high school- and they weren’t the only boys in school having similar conversations. How else were they supposed to react while their history classes were turning in current event lectures as the war in Vietnam steadily ramped up just as they all came of age? Every generation had its war and this was theirs, except Eugene was going to completely miss out on it. 

“Don’t pout,” Sidney said as they walked into the small clearing; he was walking ahead of Eugene but even with his back to him, he still knew how Eugene was reacting to the news of his imminent departure to boot camp. 

“I just can’t believe you’re doing this without me,” Eugene admitted as he carefully let his bike fall to the ground at the edge of the clearing. As Sidney turned around to face him, Eugene forced a half-hearted smile on his face and added, “I mean, how the hell are you gonna get through boot camp without me there to keep you in line? You might just wash out.”

“What a tragedy that’d be,” Sidney countered sarcastically before he collapsed on the soft green grass and laid on his back. “Pass me my ball, would you?”

Eugene unzipped his backpack and after he easily located the worn hide of Sidney’s trusty baseball, he easily underhand threw it to his friend, which landed with a firm ‘plop’ on his stomach.

“ Fuck , Eugene,” Sidney hissed, sounding a little breathless as he jerked upwards in response to the sensation; Eugene couldn’t help but chuckle devilishly as he sat down on the grass, just out of arms reach from Sidney in case he attempted to try anything.  

Sidney didn’t seem too bothered by it because he quietly picked up the ball and began rolling it slowly across his chest as he stared up at the foliage above them. Eugene watched Sidney easily toss the baseball high up in the air and catch it before he looked away. Sidney had offers from colleges across the state to play baseball for them but he turned them all down to join up. Eugene wondered if he’d still be able to take up their offers once he got back in a year or if it was a one-time deal kind of thing. 

“You’re eighteen, Eugene,” Sidney said as he casually tossed his baseball into the air and caught it with ease before he repeated the movement. “There’s really nothing they can do to keep you from joining. All you gotta do is disobey them but it’s not like they can ground you when you’re in bootcamp.”

“I know,” Eugene said with a frown as he fiddled with a couple long blades of grass between his fingers. “I just wish they would understand- I don’t want to upset them. I want them to be proud of me for stepping up.”

Eugene took out his frustration on the grass and yanked the blades from the soft ground. He stared at the tiny white roots for a moment before he tossed the fistfull of grass behind him, feeling very much like the petulant child he was currently trying to convince his parents he wasn’t. He was eighteen and a recent high school graduate. He had a diploma and legal rights of adulthood, technically free to do as he pleased and yet-

His parents simply didn’t understand and Eugene frankly couldn’t understand their opposition. For generations, Sledge men had answered the call when their country was at war, going all the way back to his great-great grandfather who served in the Civil War. His father had served during the Second World War, he had uncles who served in Korea, and his older brother Edward had just completed Officers Candidate School, but when Eugene broached the idea of enlisting to his parents a few weeks ago, they had not only balked at the idea but all but begged him not to do it. 

How could he not go? Eugene was only trying to do what was expected of him, not just as a Sledge man but as a good American. Hell, half of the boys from his and Sidney’s class had already enlisted or were planning to enlist by the end of the summer. And yet his parents expected him to ignore all that, ignore what he had been taught in school about Communism and its threat on the world, and just go along his merry way to college as if nothing was amiss in the world. His father had suggested a compromise, finish college and then enter the military as an officer, like his brother, but the concept only left Eugene feeling worse. In four years time the war would probably be over and Eugene would be left having to live with the fact that he had skipped the whole thing while his brother, best friend. and his classmates went and did what was right. He couldn’t live with it but he also had never disobeyed his parents, not to this degree.

You’re an adult , he told himself as he continued to take out his frustrations out on the overgrown grass and weeds. So act like one. Just go do it. Sidney’s right, there's nothing they can actually do to stop me. 

“I wish we were going together,” Eugene admitted quietly; even if he could sign up tomorrow it wouldn’t be soon enough. Sidney was shipping out to boot camp in a couple days and whenever Eugene finally managed to convince his parents to let him go it’d be too late. 

Eugene turned to look at his friend, now lying still in the grass with his baseball cradled gently against his chest, blond curls moving softly against the grass as an early summer breeze brushed past them. His brow was furrowed and there was a slight frown on his face; he looked unusually serious and very un-Sidney-like. 

“What?”

Eugene watched as Sidney’s grip on his baseball tightened before he pulled an odd expression on his face. Keeping his eyes upwards to the canopy above them, Sidney spoke. 

“Would it really be that bad if you just didn't go?” Sidney asked quietly, shocking Eugene.

“ What ?” Eugene asked, aghast. “How can you say that?”

“Eugene, I just,” Sydney stuttered before he pushed himself up onto his elbows and looked at Eugene. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t go if you’re asked. If I got my draft notice, I would go, of course I would if that's what my country asked of me.”

“ But ?”

“ But …but maybe if it were up to me I wouldn’t be going,” Sidney admitted quietly as he dropped his gaze from Eugene, seeming embarrassed or even ashamed. Eugene, feeling a little like the rug had been pulled out from under him, stayed silent and waited for his friend to elaborate. “You’re worried about disappointing your parents because you want to be noble and run off to war? Well, I know if when my father suggested we go down to the recruiters office downtown, if I had said no, that I want to go to college and play baseball, that I don’t want to fight a war unless I’m personally asked, well… disappointed wouldn’t be the only thing he would’ve been with me… and I don’t want to disappoint my parents either, Eugene. So I’m gonna go. But that doesn’t mean you have to go too.”

Finally, Sidney turned back to look at Eugene, his blue eyes full of embarrassment and fear, suddenly making his friend look much younger than he actually was. He wanted to say something, tell him he was brave for admitting that, even if he didn’t feel brave about going to war, but before he had the chance, Sidney blinked and his usually crooked, slightly cocky grin appeared on his face.

“Besides, someone ought to stay here and hold down the fort, don’t you think?” Sidney asked with a smile. “Make sure the girls don’t run too wild while I’m gone and can’t properly appreciate it. One of us should be able to enjoy that, so why not it be you, Eugene.”

And what the hell was he supposed to do with that? It would be one thing to disappoint his parents, justify his actions because they simply did not understand what he was going through, but to go against Sid’s wishes? Sidney, who knew and understood him better than anyone else in the world? What kind of guy would he be if he disappointed his best friend?

“Okay,” Eugene said quietly with a small frown, unable to keep his disappointment at bay. 

“Okay you’ll stay put?” Sidney asked, hopefully.

“I’ll stay put,” Eugene promised with a heavy sigh, even though saying the words aloud felt almost like a death sentence. “For you, you old greaser.”

So Eugene stayed, even when Sidney left for bootcamp, even when he returned as a Marine, even when he shipped out with promises of letters when he could. He stayed when so many of his classmates went running down to different recruitment offices and left their hometown in olive drab with freshly shaved heads. It left him feeling indescribably disappointed but Eugene tried to focus on the positives when he could- like the way his mom cried tears of joy when he got his welcome paperwork from Auburn University and how proud his father was that he was attending his alma mater. Maybe he couldn’t follow in his father’s footsteps with military service but perhaps he could still follow family tradition through his education. 

Eugene tried not to dwell on any of it. He tried to focus on himself and his studies but it became increasingly impossible the more time went on. With every in depth letter he received from Sidney and with every much more filtered letter he received from his brother, every newspaper headline and evening news report, the war came closer and closer to his doorstep, even when he fled hours from home to the quiet comfort of academia. It didn’t matter that both Sidney and his brother reminded him to stay put, to stay in school so he could stay out of the war. Every day that ticked past him where he woke up in his warm dorm room bed, spent his day in a quiet classroom, and shared a couple hidden beers in his dorm room with other boys his age and economic status, the more his guilt grew inside of him. It began to burn like acid in the pit of his stomach. 

It didn’t matter that he was staying put because people who loved him asked him to do so. What mattered to Eugene was that he only felt like he was hiding behind his privilege. How was he supposed to live with himself knowing young men were unwillingly pulled away from their family and friends when their draft notice showed up but here he sat, ready to go at a moment's notice but knowing that same notice would never show up for him while he hid in his dorm room? Eugene might not totally understand what Vietnam or combat was like but neither Sidney nor Edward understood what this was like for him. The guilt and anguish he felt every day knowing other guys were risking their lives for him? He wouldn’t be able to withstand four more years of this. 

As Eugene blindly stared at his spring course catalog, he knew he would never end up attending whatever classes he scribbled down on his selection sheet. Six months of this was more than enough for him and even though he knew his decision would upset not only his parents but his brother and Sidney, Eugene had to do it. He just wasn’t sure how he would break the news to his family. 

“What classes are you taking next semester?” his father politely asked him at dinner on his first night back home for winter break.

Eugene looked up from his plate and took in his father’s kind expression from across the table. His father, who was so happy he was at Auburn, liked to check in on him regularly to talk about classes and friends and even asked if he would consider rushing his former fraternity…  

“Uh, still just some basic classes,” Eugene lied as he ducked his head back down to look at his plate as he thought of the classes he had hastily scribbled down and submitted to the university, uncaring about class times and content because he wouldn’t actually be there to sit through them. “I’m taking a statistics class, Colonial American literature, another history lecture, and my biology lab class.”

“Good, a nice variety of subjects should keep you nice and busy,” his father said. 

Eugene looked up from his plate just in time to catch his father’s approving smile and nod. It should’ve made him feel good, made him feel proud that his father was proud of him, but instead Eugene felt hollow. His father was proud of him but not for the reasons Eugene wished and all that pride and happiness would immediately evaporate the second Eugene revealed his true intentions. Eugene wanted his father to be proud of him but the thing was, Eugene also wanted to be proud of himself . 

He wanted to be able to look back on his choices and know he had the confidence in himself to do what he felt was right, to do what he wanted to do with his life, even if it went against what others wanted of him. Sure, there was the chance that in five or ten years, with the gift of hindsight, he’d look back and regret his choices but at the end of the day, Eugene believed he rather regret a decision than be upset he never acted at all. 

All he had to do now was to figure out the best way to break his parents' hearts and he’d be golden.

*          *          *

Christmas was never Eugene’s favorite holiday, not since he was above the age of ten and even then he wasn’t crazy about all that came with the holiday- call him a scrooge or anti-social, whatever, it didn’t bother him. Perhaps if his family were the type to do things small and intimate, the type to have a quiet Christmas, Eugene would like it more. Unfortunately for him, his mother never understood the concept of making an event casual when it could be made over the top and Christmas was the rule, not the exception. 

The holiday included a large dinner on Christmas Eve followed by Midnight Mass. In the morning there was a big breakfast and gift exchange between his immediate family before his mother went on a tear making sure every speck of dust was gone from the house. By mid-afternoon, aunts and uncles and cousins from both sides of his family would arrive and fill every room of the Sledge house with polite conversation and only slightly invasive personal questions.

Usually Eugene was able to hide in some forgotten corner of the main floor of the house- because his mother would never allow him to hide in his own room while there was company -with his brother and his two male cousins that were around their ages until it was time for dinner. It was always nice to catch up with his cousins and commiserate with his brother; it was easily the best part of the whole fiasco but there would be none of that at the Sledge family Christmas party of 1966.  

Edward was of course in Vietnam but his older cousin, James, was stationed in West Germany and his cousin John, who also graduated high school this year, was currently finishing up some non-commissioned officer course before he deployed to Vietnam. Now it was just him left- him, his three female cousins, and his two remaining male cousins who were just out of grade school. He didn’t even have Sidney appearing late after the dinner like some long lost family member to keep Eugene going. Without his usual buffers, Eugene found himself on the receiving end of numerous personal interrogations from his aunts and uncles. 

Before dinner, Eugene only got the usual cordial questions- how have you been, how is school, what are you studying, are you dating anyone  -and during dinner he was mercifully saved from the limelight as his mother and father ended up doing the brunt of the talking. He wasn’t saved from all discomfort, however, because while it was the first year Eugene got to sit at the adults table, the only reason he was given the promotion was because two of the usual seats were currently off serving their country. After dinner, with drinks now flowing and all the usual questions answered, was when things got contentious. 

“So how is college treating you?” his uncle Ronald, his mother’s younger brother, asked as he slowly sidled up to where Eugene was sitting quietly on the living room window seat while his younger cousins played with their new gifts; Eugene watched for a moment as the amber contents of his glass sloshed out of the glass and onto the carpet his mother has so meticulously cleaned hours earlier before he responded. 

“It’s fine,” Eugene responded, calmly as possible while in the back of his mind he already could feel trouble brewing. “I got a B in my math class last semester but besides that it was all A’s.”

“Your father mentioned you might rush his old fraternity,” his uncle continued as he slowly moved closer to Eugene, his eyes focused on him as he continued to sit quietly and try not to feel like prey. 

“I’m still deciding,” Eugene said calmly. 

“What’s there to decide? You don’t wanna go to parties and be surrounded by pretty girls? Why else would you be in college if not to have fun? Unless there's another reason you’re in school.”

Eugene felt sick to his stomach but he kept his eyes firmly locked on his uncle as he continued to hover over him. He should have expected this, should have anticipated someone making this accusation, at least then he’d feel less shocked and just simply upset. The longer he stared up at the man, the more he felt the sickness being slowly replaced by anger. He clenched his fist tightly, where they rested on the fabric of the window seat, in a weak attempt to keep himself calm. 

“My parents asked me to stay in school,” he answered slowly, forcing himself to keep his voice even; out of the corner of his eyes he could still see his younger cousins playing, unaware of any tension in the room. 

“You know I graduated high school in 1945. By that time, Hitler had already been squared away and Hirohito wasn’t looking too good either, so kids weren’t signing up like they used to, didn’t feel like they had to go anymore. My parents also asked me not to go, they had already lost my oldest brother, but I still went down to the recruitment office and signed up the day after graduation. Didn’t see combat but I spent a year in China cleaning up because that’s what my country needed me to do,” he said with all of the forced casualness in the world before he took a large, unnecessary sip of his drink. “And when I came home, I went to college- was almost done with it too when Korea happened. I could’ve stayed and finished my degree. I had already done my service to the country but instead I went back to that recruitment office and asked to go again… I went two times, Eugene, and here you sit, not willing to go once .”

The sound of blood rushing through his ears was so loud and consuming, Eugene hadn’t even noticed his father had walked into the living room just in time to catch the end of his uncle's casual castigation. 

“Ronald, I think that is quite enough,” the senior Sledge declared, tone outwardly calm but even Eugene in his slightly addled state could hear the undercurrent of anger in his voice. 

His uncle finally turned away from Eugene at his father’s voice but didn’t step away from him, merely turned so that Eugene could now see his father, standing tall with his shoulders squared and eyes staring daggers at his brother in law behind his wire rim glasses.

“What kind of man are you raising here, Ed?”

“A great one,” his father responded without hesitation. “And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t question his character when you are a guest in his home.”

Eugene’s uncle snorted derisively before he finished off his drink and set the empty glass on a nearby side table. When the man turned back to look at Eugene, he met his gaze, almost daring him to say anything else to his face. 

“They tell you to stay safe in school when your country needs you and you listen… your daddy runs to defend you the second someone says anything against you instead of standing up for yourself? If you ask me, he ain’t raising you to be a man at all.”

Eugene knew his father shouted something and his uncle reacted to whatever had been said, knew it finally alerted his young cousins that something was wrong, but he couldn’t fully process any of it. Instead, Eugene pushed himself up off the seat and stormed from the room before anyone else was alerted to the noise. He heard his mother call for him as he hurried past the kitchen but he kept moving until he reached the back door. Ignorant to the slight bite in the winter air, Eugene continued across the backyard to the small patio set his mother had set up under the willow tree. If he started screaming or throwing things in frustration at least he’d be far enough away from the house that his mother probably wouldn’t hear him. 

Eugene never liked his uncle so if he were feeling a little more rational, he might have been able to remind himself he shouldn’t care at all what that man said, but unfortunately he wasn’t feeling very rational these days. He was upset and angry that his uncle had said such a thing to him, sure, but he was also pissed because if Eugene went and enlisted now, he didn’t want that audacious man to think it was at all because of him. 

“Eugene,” his father’s voice sounded from behind him after a minute or two; still fuming, Eugene kept his back to the man. “Eugene… come back inside, you’ll catch a cold out here.”

“I’m fine,” Eugene responded stiffly before he let out a deep breath in an attempt to force himself to calm down. It wasn’t working. 

“Your uncle’s leaving,” his father informed him. “Your mother wasn’t too pleased when I explained to her why he had to leave so suddenly but she agreed it was for the best.”

He should’ve felt good, knowing he had a father who wanted to defend him, but all Eugene could think about was his uncle’s not untrue comment on how Eugene let his father fight his battles. It wasn’t a new revelation- it was a well-known fact that Edward Sledge had a tendency to coddle his baby boy -but it was something Eugene now realized was an issue. 

He didn’t want to break his parents hearts or disappoint them but standing out there in the cold with his back to his father, Eugene realized he just needed to rip the bandaid off. He needed to stand up to his parents and his parents needed to understand he was an adult who should be making his own decisions. Even if it had to be done the hard way. 

“I’m going to talk to him tomorrow,” his father spoke up when the silence stretched on too long. “He owes you an apology.”

“Don’t bother,” Eugene said, steam erupting from his mouth as he let out a tired sigh. “He’s not worth it.”

Once Eugene managed to school his face into what he hoped was a calm expression, he turned to face his father. The older man looked calm but Eugene could see the worry in his father’s eyes. His father knew him perhaps better than anyone in the world. He of course knew how deeply his uncle's words must’ve cut him and his father always knew when he was lying- whether he chose to call him out on it or not was a different matter.  

“I’ll come inside in a minute,” Eugene said calmly. “Promise.”

“Alright I… probably for the best. I think I saw your mother cutting up the fruit cake,” his father said with a slight sigh and a frown; neither Eugene nor his father were fans of the fruitcake his mother made everyone choke down every year. They always tried their best to politely avoid consuming a piece. 

Eugene sent his father a quick, sympathetic smile as his father took a step backwards, turned on his heel, and retreated back toward the brightly lit up house. 

*          *          *

Along with Christmas, New Year's Eve wasn’t too high up on Eugene’s list when it came to holidays. When he was younger he always wondered what New Year's Eve would be like when he was an adult, when he could go out to a real party and drink with friends late into the night, even if he went without a dramatic kiss when the ball dropped. And now here he was, his first New Years as an actual adult and there was nowhere to go, no party to attend, no friends to see, all his friends from home overseas and all his friends from school at their respective hometown across the state for the holiday. 

His parents, both of whom were much more observant of him and his moods after Christmas, failed to appear nonchalant when they casually asked him if he had any New Year's plans. For a moment Eugene almost tried to lie, almost made up a story that a college friend was in town visiting family and holding a party, that one of the very few high school classmates who didn’t enlist was hosting something, just so they wouldn’t look at him with such annoyingly sympathetic expressions, but Eugene resisted. Why should he try and make them feel comfortable with lies when it was because of them that he was in this situation?

“You should come along to the Houston’s party with us,” his mother insisted on the morning of New Year’s Eve. “Their daughter will be there- you’ve gone to school with Mary since kindergarten! Amy Phillips will be there too with her parents, there are plenty of people there that you know.”

Because it’s somehow less sad to spend New Years with your best friend's sister and a girl who's never given you the time of day than to spend it alone, Eugene couldn’t help but think, a bitter smile pulling at his face.

“I’ll be just fine here,” Eugene said, unable to hold back the bitter smile. 

However, once his parents finally departed for their party and Eugene was left alone for hours in the big empty house, the silence eventually became too much for him. With no party invite that wouldn’t depress the shit out of him, Eugene went out for a drive. For Christmas this year, his parents gifted him with the most expensive present he had ever received and would probably ever receive- a brand new Plymouth Valiant. His mother explained that not only would the car be helpful for him and his friends at school but it would make it easier to come home for holidays and his father claimed it was because of his strong performance in his first semester of school. Eugene saw through their explanations and instead saw the car as both a reward and apology for behaving. 

He had only taken the car out for one drive since receiving it and truthfully only ever drove enough in the past to get his license, so he was a tad shaky on the road. Thankfully the streets were clear of any other car and there were no pedestrians at this late hour on a holiday. As Eugene drove mindlessly through the city streets with no end goal in mind and the radio playing softly, he wasn’t sure if this was any more or less depressing than staying at home or being dragged to a party with his parents.

Feeling deflated and so deeply unhappy, Eugene pulled to the side of the empty road and stared unblinkingly through the dashboard until his vision unfocused. Staring blindly ahead, Eugene settled back in the brand new fabric of his Plymouth and listened as the song playing on the radio slowly petered out before the overzealous radio host took over the airwaves. 

“Annnnnd we’re just about at that time of the night, ladies and gents! Midnight is only moments away so grab a drink, grab someone to smooch, and let’s get ready to close out 1966 and ring in the new year!”

Shivering slightly in the car as the radio host slowly but enthusiastically counted down to midnight, Eugene quietly thought back to New Years of his past, how every year of his youth his parents had encouraged him to make a new year resolution to work towards. It was always something simple and juvenile- get straight A’s, joining a school club, planning some summer experience with Sidney -but it was a habit he had gotten into. Some years were harder than others to select a resolution but this year, sitting alone in his car on an empty street, the answer couldn’t be more clear to him.

Just as the man counted down to one with great fanfare, Eugene started up his car again, pulled a u-turn in the middle of the deserted road, and drove back home while an unshakable determination and resolve filled his mind. 

Taking advantage of the fact that New Year's Day was one of the very few days where both his parents allowed themselves to actually sleep in, Eugene rose early from his bed the next morning. Despite only getting a couple hours of sleep, Eugene still felt energized by his newfound resolution and quickly dressed before he slipped out the front door with his car keys in hand. Unsurprisingly, much of Mobile was still asleep and most likely nursing a hangover as Eugene drove into downtown. He knew there was the high chance that the office would be closed for New Year’s but he also hoped that there would be some ambitious recruiter ready and willing to sign up any other men who made similar desperate resolutions as Eugene in the early morning hours. 

As luck would have it, after Eugene parked on the mercifully empty road- he never did get a handle on parallel parking -that was exactly what he found when he arrived at the front door of the Marine Corp Recruitment office. The door was locked and the official sign on the door said the office was closed but there was a light on inside and after knocking on the glass, a sharply dressed Marine walked out into the main office area. Once the man saw Eugene standing outside in the cold, early morning, his face lit up and he quickly unlocked the door and ushered Eugene inside. 

A small, childish part of Eugene expected an ounce or two of fanfare when he so willingly and nobly signed what might be the rest of his life away to the Marine Corps but he wouldn’t be picky. He was finally doing it, finally doing what he wanted with his life. When Eugene left the Marine Recruitment office, he felt lighter, almost free- which was hilarious seeing as he was now the opposite of a free man. He had worried that he might feel guilt or worry, knowing the formal induction and bootcamp were still some time away and he’d still have to face his parents, but the calmness Eugene felt as he drove back home only assured him that what he had done was the right thing. 

“Oh, Eugene! I didn’t even realize you had gone out!” his mother exclaimed in surprise as Eugene walked back into his home and found his parents sitting in the front parlor, drinking their morning coffee, still in their dressing robes. Eugene watched as his mother quickly exchanged a confused look with her husband before she asked, “You were here when we got home this morning, right?”

“Yes, I was home, I just had to run a quick errand this morning,” Eugene said, his heartbeat picking up as he stepped into the parlor. 

“An errand on New Year’s Day?” his mother asked, surprised. “And so early in the morning?”

“Well, it must’ve been important,” his father said simply before he took a sip of his coffee and stared at Eugene quizzically.  

“It was,” Eugene said quietly before he squared his shoulders and took another step closer to his parents; it was now or never. “I joined the Marine Corps.”

It was as if a gust of arctic air swept through the room and sucked out all the warmth and happiness that had been there moments prior. As Eugene prepared for the fallout, he shifted his gaze between his mother, whose face was stuck in a glacially slow fall as the news slowly sunk in, and his father, who understood what Eugene said immediately. He watched as his father, now seemingly so much older and tired than ever before, took off his glasses, briefly ran a hand over his lightly lined face, and slumped in his seat.

“What…?” his mother finally spoke; the polite but blank expression on her face told Eugene she was still refusing to accept the truth. 

“I went down to the recruiters office downtown and I enlisted,” Eugene explained slowly but firmly. 

His mother’s face quickly crumpled as the words fully sunk in; it sent a deep ache in his chest to not only see his mother so upset but to know that he was the cause but the deed was done. 

“Oh, Eugene…” she said softly, her eyes quickly filling with tears. 

He had expected a fight, at least a little fire from his mother, but instead she simply got up from her seat and quickly excused herself with a small, choked sob. When he heard his parents’ bedroom door slam shut, he slowly turned back to his father and waited. When his father stayed silent, Eugene decided to speak up.

“I can’t stay behind anymore,” Eugene stated firmly, bordering on desperate. “I can’t keep living my life as if everythings normal, as if there’s not a war on. It’s not fair for anyone to keep me in a classroom, wishing to go, when there are kids who are being drafted and are forced away from their lives. I know you and mom want me to stay in school and away from this but it’s not what I want. I’m sorry.”

Finally, his father looked up at him with tired eyes and a resigned expression. Putting his glasses back on, he turned away and stared off into the distance. 

“I know it was naive to assume you would respect our wishes forever… your mother didn’t want to consider the possibility you might still enlist but I had a feeling it was only a matter of time,” he said slowly before he looked back up at Eugene. “Serving as a doctor in the Pacific during the Second World War, you know I witnessed my fair share of terrible wounds, young men torn apart by the weapons of man. Fixing the torn flesh wasn’t the worst part of the job. The worst part was looking at those boys, who survived that physical horror, only to find that they had had their souls torn out as well. And that was not something I could fix.”

The intensity at which his father’s blue eyes seemed to stare into Eugene’s soul, he felt like he was pinned into place. His father had never actually ever raised his voice to him or his brother, not even when they were young and rambunctious and tearing up the house. He had always had the mystic ability to stop and scold in the calmest of tones; standing there, he might as well have been seven years old again while his father explained why breaking his mother’s beloved vase due to his horseplay was wrong. 

“The last war, your uncles and I and all those poor boys I helped patch up, we went because this nation was attacked and because we needed to stop those who were putting other humans into ovens . This war, Eugene, isn’t that. I understand the reasons why we are involved but knowing what it could cost you, knowing that if you come home physically whole, that I could look in your eyes and see nothing? No spark, no love, no life? That would break my heart, Eugene. This war is not worth losing you.”  

After a long pause, his father slowly got to his feet and crossed the short distance between them. Before Eugene could say or do anything else, his father held out his right hand for Eugene to shake, surprising him but he gladly accepted the handshake nonetheless. 

“I’m sure you’ll make us all proud,” his father said, eyes suddenly looking watery.

Still struck by his father’s quiet, commanding presence and his calm but powerful words, Eugene could only nod and meet his eyes as he uttered the only words he could manage. 

“I’ll try.”