Work Text:
Listen.
Many years ago, a most tragic story took place. A story of stolen fate, injustice, revenge and betrayal. One that ended in unimaginable pain, with all involved fading to nothingness.
That is what those who had watched it all unfold believed, and the tale they still tell.
The truth was, however, that the one person who had done no wrong and yet suffered the most out of those three hadn't given in to despair. After all tragedies had unfolded, they had taken a tumble from grace, but had ended up living a content mortal life despite the difficulties that it brought. Then, when their time was up, they had sat down by a lake to meet their end in peace and make one final wish: to meet their beloved again in another life.
Nobody ever learned of this wish. This person had once been a god, so with their death, their soul should have dispersed. Unable to re-enter the reincarnation cycle, their wish should have remained forever ungranted and forgotten.
But listen.
It was hundreds of years later that two baby girls were born in the same year, on the same day of the same month, at the same time and in the same hospital. They were both given the name Xuan.
One of them, born into a family that was financially well-off, would eventually go by the name Qingxuan. Her family name was Shi.
The other one, whose family name was He, would become known for two particular things in the village she grew up in: her outstanding academic performance, and her willingness to support her family by any means.
In her teen years she worked several jobs at once, all while having perfect attendance in school, in order to ensure her parents and her younger sister wouldn't have to work as hard. The family business was small, and they just barely got by, but to outsiders they often seemed like the perfect family.
In high school, He Xuan struggled not with keeping up in her wide variety of classes, but rather with socializing. Although she wasn't bullied and there was no one she especially disliked, she found it hard to befriend others. They tended to avoid her, and she tended to avoid them. There was always a subtle feeling that she had to sit back and observe, to never draw attention to herself. If someone got too close, she would push them back again in a way that left no room for a ‘no’. If He Xuan thought about it, she was the sort of person who preferred to spend time alone anyway. Managing several jobs and education at the same time was already exhausting enough, no need to add friends to the trouble, please and thank you.
She wouldn't have complained had it just stayed like that forever. But it didn't.
He Xuan was classmates with a girl who shared her birthday and given name: Shi Qingxuan.
Although Shi Qingxuan was popular with everyone, always in a good mood, willing to help and full of energy, she didn't have any close friends either. She and He Xuan had a handful of classes together, and Shi Qingxuan would usually sit next to her. Sometimes they chatted during break time, sometimes they worked on school projects together. That was also fine with He Xuan. She didn't consider Shi Qingxuan a friend exactly, but having an acquaintance to spend breaks and do schoolwork with, no other strings attached, was even better to her.
Shi Qingxuan, however, had different plans.
She quickly grew very fond of He Xuan, and after a relatively short amount of time even started thinking of her as her best friend…
–
Considering it was the middle of autumn and late afternoon, it was rather warm outside. Shi Qingxuan was walking along the streets with her headphones on. She had gone shopping for groceries after her last lecture had ended and was on her way back home. Inside the bag slung over her shoulder were snacks and sweets, some tea, liquor and lots of instant food. Most of it wasn't for her, but for her roommate who had moved in only a month prior. Said roommate had many appointments this evening, thus Shi Qingxuan had decided to take care of the grocery shopping for her. Their shared apartment wasn't far away from the university campus and was located on the fourth floor of the building.
Shi Qingxuan unlocked the door and entered the dark hallway, kicked off her shoes and flicked on the lights.
The apartment was empty still; not only were there no plants or pets, even furniture was a rare sight. It lacked life of any sort, but Shi Qingxuan wasn't bothered too much by it. She hadn't lived here for long yet after all, and she knew getting properly settled took its time.
She walked into the living room and, after putting away what she had bought, sat down on a small sofa. Then, she dug her phone out of her bag and sent a text to her roommate.
You: im home now he-jie, i did the grocery shopping for u and got some of ur favourite instant ramen
get home safe nd good luck w ur appointments <3
A response arrived not long after.
He-Jie: Mh. Thanks. I'll be back late so don't wait for me.
The rest of the evening passed quietly. Shi Qingxuan had originally wanted to wait for He Xuan to return, despite her saying not to, so that they could eat together, but she was so exhausted from her day that she fell asleep right where she was sitting.
When she woke up again, she found she was still on the sofa. Her back felt a bit sore from the odd position she had been in.
She didn't immediately notice that she was leaning against another person's shoulder - only when she tried to sit up properly and the one next to her turned around did she realize. Shi Qingxuan startled and looked up in confusion. Her eyes met He Xuan’s. Understanding dawned, and Shi Qingxuan blushed.
“Ah- uhm- …sorry.”
He Xuan just shook her head. The room was only illuminated by a small lamp in the far back of the room, which was why she couldn't see He Xuan’s expression.
Embarrassed, Shi Qingxuan scrambled to get up and leave. In her hurry, however, she tripped over her own feet and nearly fell. He Xuan grabbed Shi Qingxuan’s wrist and caught her right before she hit the ground.
"Careful.”
Nodding, Shi Qingxuan apologised again. She had only just woken up and wasn't thinking clearly, so she rushed to her room quickly and threw herself onto her bed.
How embarrassing!
To use her roommate as a pillow and then flee the scene - ahh, she wanted to scream.
The truth was that this wasn't the first time this kind of thing had happened. Although Shi Qingxuan and He Xuan had only lived together for roughly one month, they had known each other since high school. Even back then, Shi Qingxuan had found it hard to deny that she did find He Xuan very…attractive. It wasn't a secret that she liked girls; almost everyone in the village they lived in knew.
When she found out that He Xuan would be attending the same university as her, she suggested moving in together as they already knew each other.
And in those four and a half weeks, Shi Qingxuan had already fallen asleep leaning on He Xuan’s shoulder twice…
She kicked her feet and hid under her blanket.
Although He Xuan hadn't said anything, and had obviously sat next to her sleeping roommate of her own accord, Shi Qingxuan still couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious.
With these thoughts racing through her mind, she soon fell back asleep.
-
Bright, vibrant colours exploded in He Xuan’s field of vision.
A girl around her age, with a smile so wide her eyes squinted into crescents, stood in front of her.
“Can I sit next to you?” she asked, radiating so much positivity that He Xuan found it hard to breathe in her presence. Agreeing to her request seemed like a surefire way to never have peace and quiet during classes again. Not favourable, He Xuan thought.
But the girl across from her was brimming with confidence - the thought of shattering her hopes just like that seemed a bit cruel to He Xuan.
She thought back and recalled that, although this other girl was very lively and had good connections with just about everyone, she was also eager to study and had a serious side to her as well.
Thus, she sighed.
“Fine.”
-
In the weeks that followed, Shi Qingxuan would often be the first to come home and therefore took over doing most of the chores. She didn't mind it one bit, but as the days became ever shorter and snow started falling, Shi Qingxuan caught a cold.
She sat curled up in her bed, her head throbbing and nose running. She had a slight fever as well, but what bothered her most was how it all rendered her unable to get anything done. Not just that - she wouldn't be able to spend time with He Xuan either. She really didn't want her to get sick as well.
Shi Qingxuan couldn't even find the energy to cook for herself. Feeling miserable, she rolled over and pulled her comforter over her head.
Just as she had made peace with the idea of going to sleep lonely and hungry, she heard a knock on her door. She lifted the comforter enough to get a view of the door. It was pushed open, and a tall woman entered the room. Shi Qingxuan’s heart skipped a beat. It was He Xuan, holding a box of takeout in her hands. Though Shi Qingxuan’s sense of smell wasn't really doing its thing, she was certain it was her favourite pasta from her favourite restaurant. She sat up in her bed while He Xuan sat down on the edge of it and unwrapped the box she was holding.
He Xuan had even brought a knife and a fork. She set everything down on Shi Qingxuan’s nightstand. When the Shi Qingxuan in question didn't take the food, however, and instead continued to stare at her roommate teary-eyed, He Xuan snorted softly and asked half-jokingly, “What, are you so sick I have to feed you?”
Shi Qingxuan’s gay little heart couldn't take it. She frantically shook her head and tried to laugh off the fact that she would indeed like to be fed, please and thank you. “Haha, no, no, I'm fine, I'm fine! Thanks for the food. I'll pay you back once I'm doing better, I promise…”
He Xuan smiled fleetingly. “No need. You're sick, so eat and rest up.” After a moment, she added more quietly, “You probably overworked yourself, so let me take care of you for now.”
The fact that she didn't speak the last bit as loudly as the first wasn't at all due to embarrassment or anything along these lines, so much was obvious. But then, why did she say it like that? It made her words sound…so sincere…
The useless lesbian Qingxuan couldn't handle thinking about it much longer and grabbed the food He Xuan had brought her. It may have been her imagination, but she thought the pasta tasted much better than usual that night.
For the entire duration of Shi Qingxuan’s cold, He Xuan made sure to provide her with food and company. Whenever Shi Qingxuan protested, saying she would be fine again soon and there was no need for He Xuan to trouble herself, He Xuan would tell her off. “Rest more. Don't worry so much.”
When Shi Qingxuan was finally doing better, she was especially eager to make up for it. She had long since been observing He Xuan's eating habits and had memorized her favourite orders from various restaurants as well. Thus, when she came home first, she would often order and pay for He Xuan. And whenever He Xuan came home first? She would order Shi Qingxuan's favourites, duh!
Who knew what He Xuan was thinking, but Shi Qingxuan had long since considered this a battle of sorts. She was determined to show her love by spoiling her beloved with lots of delicious food. She knew He Xuan liked eating.
-
Classes were long since over, but two girls still sat in the otherwise empty classroom. The setting sun dyed them in a soft orange. They were hunched over some books and folders, working on a presentation.
The one on the left was talking. She wasn't sticking to one topic, but rather chattered about everything that came to mind. Fashion, food, politics, her pets, the weather…not even their math teacher's cat was spared. The one on the right didn't say anything at all. She just listened with a straight face. It was impossible to tell whether she was enjoying the company, or annoyed.
They were in their second year of high school now.
Shi Qingxuan sneaked a glance at He Xuan. She was focused on their project. The sunlight fell through the window and landed gently on her skin, making her look nearly ethereal…
Shi Qingxuan noticed her thoughts were wandering wildly. He Xuan didn't seem to have listened to what Shi Qingxuan had been saying, but now that she stopped, He Xuan tilted her head and looked back at her. She didn't say anything, just watched. Shi Qingxuan thought she could probably drown in those eyes.
She flushed slightly and laughed awkwardly, then threw out a handful of random sentences to dispel the atmosphere.
“...Anyway, He-Jie, I thought maybe you wanna meet up at my place next time we work on this? It's, ah, kinda creepy in the school when it's dark outside…so…and we could also hang out a bit after the work's done!”
Her enthusiasm and the randomness of the proposal startled He Xuan. Meet up at her home? That…wasn't that a bit too much? The school was fine. If Shi Qingxuan was scared, they could go to the library. He Xuan wasn't sure how to feel.
After a few seconds, she replied, “We're not that close, why would I go to your place? The school or library is fine.”
Shi Qingxuan blinked in confusion. He Xuan had never spoken so harshly to her. In a somewhat hesitant tone, she stammered, “I thought- …But you're my best friend, He-Jie. Loving each other forever and all.”
He Xuan rolled her eyes. “When did you decide we were friends?”
For once, Shi Qingxuan didn't know what to say. She couldn't even panic-laugh. For the rest of the evening, she didn't speak anymore. Her stomach churned and a stabbing pain pulsed along her heartbeat.
Shi Qingxuan wasn't someone who cried a lot. Although her life was far from perfect, it was still rather good. She grew up loved and healthy. This was the first time she had been rejected so curtly…she didn't know it would hurt this much. She really…she really had considered He Xuan her best friend after all. Had she gotten it all wrong? She choked back a sob as she left the school and w alked home.
-
Christmas rolled around eventually. Neither He Xuan nor Shi Qingxuan spent the holidays with their families, each for different reasons. Shi Qingxuan's family was currently abroad on a business trip, and while she did in theory have the money to come visit, it was a bit too much effort for her tastes. For He Xuan, the reason she stayed in the city was because she wanted to focus on her studies, and her financial situation wasn't the best. Shi Qingxuan had contemplated offering to lend her money to cover part of the travel cost, but she was sure He Xuan wouldn't agree to it, and maybe it was a bit too much considering they were just roommates, and nothing more. Nothing…more…
Shi Qingxuan was rolling around on her bed, eyeing a small, beautifully wrapped box on her nightstand, while contemplating life, the universe and everything. Well, okay. Actually, she was just thinking about He Xuan. Years ago, she had made the mistake of calling He Xuan her best friend when they hadn't really been that close. Now, they were roommates out of convenience. Their relationship had evened out with time, and neither held a grudge against the other for what had happened that evening.
Since then, Shi Qingxuan had been careful with applying labels to relationships between people. The rejection had hurt and yet somehow felt familiar, but she couldn't pinpoint why. While she was thinking, a blurry scene of two people talking in a cave flashed through her head.
“Is it so shameful to know me? What hurtful words, []! I'm your best friend!”
“I have no friends who would run around in that sort of attire.”
She shuddered. ‘Stop thinking about this, Qingxuan!’, she scolded herself. Whether she and He Xuan were roommates, friends or best friends, it didn't matter too much right now. No matter their relationship, giving her a gift for Christmas was okay, right?
Shi Qingxuan pushed herself off her bed, picked up the box with the gift for He Xuan in it and went into the living room. He Xuan was already there, sitting on the sofa and playing on her phone. She looked up once she noticed Shi Qingxuan enter and patted the empty spot next to her.
Box still in hand, Shi Qingxuan jumped over and sat down. She laughed softly, then presented the gift in her hands to He Xuan.
“He-Jie, I got you something. Open it, open it!”
He Xuan sighed and accepted. As she untied the ribbon on the box, Shi Qingxuan watched closely. Her heart was beating way too fast, and her chest hurt from nervosity. Ahh, what if He Xuan didn't like it?!
She was about to get nervous to the point of laughing uncontrollably when He Xuan finished unwrapping her gift. She took what was in the box into her hands…and smiled. It was a black necklace, with a beautiful little shark made of glass dangling from it. Though she didn't put it on immediately, she held it to her chest for a second. Shi Qingxuan was aware that He Xuan had a somewhat unusual fixation on water and fish. She fancied sharks especially. For a short moment, He Xuan lowered her eyes. She didn't say ‘thank you’ outright, but to Shi Qingxuan, it was obvious that she liked it. The realisation that she had managed to make He Xuan smile made her feel a great amount of relief.
However, against all of Shi Qingxuan's expectations, after He Xuan carefully tucked away the necklace, she took out a small box as well. It wasn't very high or wide, but pretty long.
“Here,” He Xuan said as she held out the box with one hand. Shi Qingxuan hesitantly accepted it with both.
“...For- for me?”
“No, for the ghost behind you.”
Shi Qingxuan's eyes widened. Still not quite convinced, she took a peek behind herself. No ghost was found.
She felt like her heart was about to beat out of her chest.
With shaky hands, she opened the box, mentally chanting, ‘Get it together girl, get it together! It's just a gift, ahh, just a gift! It means nothing!!’
But the moment she saw what was inside the box He Xuan had given her, all hope of staying calm was lost.
A folding fan with the character 风 for wind on one side, and three waves on the other. It looked ancient. And precious.
Feeling detached from reality, Shi Qingxuan took the fan into her hands. She wasn't sure why, but it made her want to cry. Why did it feel like she had been waiting to hold this fan just once more for thousands of years? That thought was too silly. She wasn’t even twenty yet after all…
Ah, yeah, she just felt very touched that He Xuan had given her a gift. And something so beautiful at that.
Shi Qingxuan remembered that a few weeks back, she had mentioned breaking her previous folding fan and wanting to get a new one. And now He Xuan had actually gone and gotten it for her.
‘Please, lord above, have mercy,’ she thought as her chest warmed up, ‘for I am just a little lesbian trying to live. You can't give me false hope just like that.’
It took a few seconds for He Xuan to break the silence.
“If you don't like it, I'll take it back.”
“Huh?”
Oh. Shi Qingxuan had failed to notice that she had actually started crying at some point. She frantically shook her head and wiped her tears.
“No, no! I love it. Thank you so much.”
There was a moment of awkward silence. When Shi Qingxuan looked up to see what He Xuan was doing, she found her to be looking right back at her. Eyes that were somehow pitch black and golden, both at once, that stared right into her soul with an expression one would only show someone they had known for hundreds of years. Someone who was even closer to them than a soulmate.
Shi Qingxuan could feel her face and ears flush bright red. A decision was made on the spot: she couldn't do this in a sober state anymore.
She darted off to grab various bottles of alcoholic beverages and a few glasses, and only rejoined He Xuan on the sofa after sampling her favourite. Heaven only knew what He Xuan was thinking during this whole ordeal.
An hour later, the scent of alcohol drifted through the small fourth floor apartment. He Xuan and Shi Qingxuan had both had their fair share of drinks; neither of them could be considered sober anymore.
The situation was as follows: Shi Qingxuan was straddling He Xuan’s lap. She gazed at He Xuan with foggy eyes, flushed cheeks and slightly agape mouth. He Xuan was holding Shi Qingxuan by the waist. Leaning back on the sofa, she watched the other girl attentively.
A drunken Shi Qingxuan that wasn't talking like a waterfall was a rare occurrence for sure. Thus it was again He Xuan who broke the silence. She felt like she had been doing that a lot lately.
Her words were ever so slightly slurred as she spoke.
“You look like you want to kiss me.”
The girl sitting on her showed no reaction other than flushing even more furiously. He Xuan could practically see the loading screen that was occupying her mind.
Maybe it was the alcohol getting to her head, but she added more quietly,
“I wouldn't mind.”
Shi Qingxuan's eyes widened.
He Xuan moved one hand from Shi Qingxuan's waist to cradle her head instead. She sat upright. The sudden change in posture brought the two girls' faces extremely close to each other. They could feel each other's breath on their own cheeks and lips.
This time it was Shi Qingxuan who acted first. She closed the short distance between them; their lips touched. The first kiss was short-lived and careful, as if they were both afraid. After a beat, He Xuan leaned in again. And again. And again…
-
Colourful fish swam around happily in a big aquarium. He Xuan was watching them as if entranced. They wagged their little tails, cutely blew bubbles, nibbled on fish food of the finest quality. Their lives seemed so calm and peaceful. So perfect.
Although most would say they were just a bunch of pet fish, He Xuan loved them dearly. Each of them had a name, and she could tell them all apart at a glance. These fish didn't require too much attention and were pleasant to look at. Just keep their tank clean and feed them, that was all. They could nearly be considered the perfect friends for He Xuan.
Blinking, she shifted her focus back to her school work. Lately, she had been finding it difficult to focus on the project she was working on. She had started it with Shi Qingxuan, but after their last meeting she decided to finish it alone after all. Shi Qingxuan had apparently severely injured both her arm and leg after falling down a long flight of stairs, and was going to stay in the hospital for a while. He Xuan was unsure how to feel about that.
Had she been too harsh to the girl? She didn't know. She had a feeling that her choice of words had been awfully off and she had conveyed the wrong message. She felt a stab of regret deep down inside of her. It felt inexplicably familiar and old, like it had been asleep for a long time and her recent meeting with Shi Qingxuan had woken it up at last. It scared her. Thus, she decided not to think about Shi Qingxuan at all. Whether she had been too harsh or not, whether she wanted to call Shi Qingxuan a friend or not - she wouldn't bother trying to figure it out. From that same place deep inside, something told her she wasn't allowed to.
-
Shi Qingxuan awoke to a buzzing in her ears. She wasn't hungover exactly, but she really wasn't feeling all that well either. Somehow, she had ended up on the living room floor. He Xuan was nowhere to be seen. Her memories of the past night were fuzzy and distorted, and she found it hard to differentiate between dream and reality. She struggled to her feet and walked into her room. The fan He Xuan had gifted her was there, on her nightstand. When had it gotten there…?
Grabbing a fresh change of clothes and a towel, Shi Qingxuan made her way to the bathroom to freshen up. In the middle of washing her hair, she recalled something. Her, sitting on He Xuan's lap…
She dropped the shower head in shock.
Had. That. Actually. Happened?!
There was no way. She must have dreamed that. Yeah, of course, it was a dream, just a dream. But even though she kept chanting to herself that she had only dreamed up those kisses…her heart beat faster and faster, like it was trying to crack some world record…
She crouched down and grabbed her head, digging her nails into her wet hair.
The problem at hand was very simple: she was too homosexual to deal with the situation.
Curled up on the bathroom floor, Shi Qingxuan started laughing. This world was too cruel. Someone had to be playing a huge prank on her…
-
In the weeks that followed, neither He Xuan nor Shi Qingxuan talked about what had happened during the night of Christmas Eve. Whether they had forgotten or just pretended to, who knew?
However, there still was a change to their lives: another “battle” had started - or so Shi Qingxuan thought, anyway. He Xuan’s gift for her had made her so happy, she desperately wanted to repay her somehow, to make her just as happy. But before she could think of a way to do so, He Xuan had already gifted her a pair of adorable earrings. Thus, Shi Qingxuan was even more dead set on finding an amazing gift for He Xuan. She paid even more attention to her every day, mentally noting down everything He Xuan mentioned in passing that she might want or need. And then she would get it for her. Little did she know that He Xuan would react to this by doing the exact same…
Shi Qingxuan sat in a cat café, slurping a milkshake. With one hand, she was petting a cat that had claimed her lap as his new bed, and with the other, she was typing away on her phone. When a young couple approached the table, she dropped the phone and waved enthusiastically.
“Here, come here!”
The two people sat down across from her. The one on the right had his dark brown hair tied up in a bun and was smiling at Shi Qingxuan. He was dressed entirely in white and soft blues. The one next to him was clad in red, his right eye covered by an eye patch. While he was also smiling, it was hard to tell whether it was sincere or not.
"Xie Lian, Hua Cheng! I'm so glad I managed to catch you both at last!" she exclaimed as they took their seats. "This place is great, isn't it?"
Xie Lian nodded. "It's very soothing," he smiled, gently stroking the cat in his arms as his companion in red disentangled him from the other three felines that had managed to attach themselves to him in the short time it had taken for them to weave through the café. "I'm sorry it took so long for us to get together, San Lang and I have just been so busy with all sorts of things... How have you been, Qingxuan?”
The three of them chatted about a bit of everything for about half an hour, using the time to catch up on each other's lives. Well, okay, it was mostly Shi Qingxuan talking. Eventually, she reached the topic of her roommate.
At first, she was very shy about it, but after taking a moment to gather her courage, she recounted what had been happening over the past few months. How she moved in with He Xuan out of convenience, how she had found herself crushing on her, and how the situation had completely escalated into a battle of showing affection. She mentioned how they had been hugging each other more often and even mumbled something about a possible kiss. And lastly, she unlocked her phone to show her most recent chat with He Xuan - which had ended only a few minutes before Xie Lian and Hua Cheng had entered the café.
He-Jie: When will you be back?
He-Jie: Your hugs make me feel at home. You smell like the sea. So peaceful.
You: awww thank uuu u smell nice too ??
He-Jie: lol. Little dummy.
Xie Lian and Hua Cheng gave each other a meaningful look. They had said they used to be acquainted with He Xuan, which was why Shi Qingxuan had ultimately decided to come to them for help.
She asked, “So, what do you think?”
Silence.
Shi Qingxuan tried again, nervously, as she petted the cat on her lap, “Do you think…she could…maybe like me back?”
“...”
Hua Cheng replied, “Gege, this is ridiculous. Let's go.”
Xie Lian raised an eyebrow. “...You and I both certainly don't have the right to say being oblivious is ridiculous. Qingxuan is just a…classic example of what some people call a... 'useless lesbian'. She still needs a little push into the right direction.”
Shi Qingxuan couldn't agree more. “I'm a useless lesbian,” she exclaimed.
They continued chatting for a while, though they remained unable to convince Shi Qingxuan to just talk to He Xuan about her feelings. Confrontation was way too scary.
After Shi Qingxuan left, Hua Cheng and Xie Lian stayed a while longer.
To everyone else, it looked like they were completely engrossed in spoiling the kitties that were gathered around them. In truth, however, they were talking via the Communication Array.
After Shi Qingxuan's death centuries ago, Black Water Demon Xuan’s soul had also dissipated and he had entered the reincarnation cycle. As Shi Qingxuan had once been a god, their soul should have disappeared without a trace, just like their elder brother's. But for some reason, they did reincarnate. As soon as Xie Lian noticed this, he had started looking after their reincarnations whenever he had the time. Or well, he and Hua Cheng would send Yin Yu to do so.
What a strange coincidence it was that, wherever Shi Qingxuan's reincarnations were, there would be someone with the same name and same birth chart not far from them. And yet they would never meet. They would be born and die at the same time, but know nothing about it. Over and over again.
Only this time…only this time did their paths cross once more. And their names were the same as back then too. When Yin Yu came back to report this, it had prompted Xie Lian to reach out to the two of them personally.
“Do you think we've meddled with their lives too much? Maybe we shouldn't talk to them anymore at all,” Xie Lian said, although it was obvious that he wasn't very fond of the thought.
“Nah,” Hua Cheng replied. “They seem to be fine, don't they? Black Water… Without the Water Master, he wouldn't have become Black Water. And the Water Master isn't here anymore. He won't reincarnate again. Qingxuan is an anomaly, a special case. Gege, you shouldn't worry about them like this. You're already doing way too much for their sakes.”
-
The man in front of her looked familiar, and yet she had never seen him before. His eyes were narrowed, his expression cold. There was blood on his sleeves and hands. In those hands, he was holding…what was he holding? Shi Qingxuan couldn't tell. And yet she screamed, cried, begged, threw up and kowtowed, again and again, until she woke up, covered in cold sweat from head to toe and breathing heavily. Tears were streaming down her face.
This familiar nightmare had been haunting her for as long as she could remember, but it still scared her half to death every time. She wasn't even sure what was going on in it.
She tried to calm down and go back to sleep, but every time her consciousness faded out, the nightmare seemed to continue and she woke up terrified yet again.
After a while, Shi Qingxuan decided to give up on sleeping for now. Seeking distraction, she tiptoed into the kitchen to get herself something to drink. She had left a bottle of wine on the counter, so she poured herself a glass of it. Then, she sat down on the balcony. Below, she could hear a man yelling. He was known for being insufferable towards everyone in the district, always harassing women and children, being way too noisy and picking fights with everyone. Nobody liked him, but nobody had the guts to do something about it.
As Shi Qingxuan was sipping from her wine, she noticed the man was coming closer. He was fighting with someone, it seemed, but the other person didn't get a word in. They weren't speaking English, it sounded more like German, so Shi Qingxuan couldn't understand any of it. But it was the middle of the night, she was tired and didn't feel like listening to some geezer yell about god and the world. So she got up and looked over the ledge. The local nuisance had stopped right beneath her balcony.
She gave her wine a side-eye. Making a truly difficult decision, she sipped from it one more time before pouring the rest of the glass’s contents straight down. Her aim was immaculate; she somehow hit the geezer right on his head. She immediately ducked behind the wall and covered her mouth with one hand; her plan had been to just startle him, she hadn't expected to actually hit him!
There was silence for a beat. Shi Qingxuan used the opportunity to dash inside and lock the balcony door. She had left the lights turned off, so it shouldn't have been obvious who had done it.
She darted back into her bedroom and hid under her blanket. She wasn't sure how long she just tossed and turned in her bed, trying to sleep but plagued by such an onrush of thoughts that she was unable to, before she decided to drink some more.
It was not to Shi Qingxuan’s surprise that, when she finally fell into a deep, alcohol-induced sleep, she once more had a dream set in ancient times. However, although it featured the same people as her usual nightmare, the story was different. More detailed.
It started with the birth of two little boys.
They were born at the exact same time, on the same day in the same year. Both were given the name Xuan. Their family names were Shi and He.
Shi Qingxuan quickly became aware of the fact that she was dreaming. However, even though she tried, she couldn't seem to wake up. She couldn't move around either. She was stuck being a spectator in this dream, which seemed to show something like an alternate version of her and He Xuan's lives…thousands of years in the past.
The Dream Qingxuan was born male. When he was still a tiny baby, right after his birth, a fortune teller advised his parents to raise Dream Qingxuan as inconspicuously as possible, else he might be plagued by misfortune his entire life. His parents didn't listen, though, and held a feast for him just a few days later. This attracted the attention of a monster called the Reverend of Empty Words, which latched onto young Dream Qingxuan immediately. “Wretched beginning, wretched end.” These words were meant to dictate his life.
Later, the dream showed Dream Qingxuan’s older brother ascending to godhood. The brother's name was Shi Wudu. He knew of the monster that was clinging onto his beloved brother, and desperately sought a way to repel it. A way to confuse it. A way…to change fate.
He found Dream He Xuan, who was a boy of the exact same age as Dream Qingxuan, who had the same name as him as well. Changing fate, never mind swapping it, was no easy feat. Yet Shi Wudu did it. Dream He Xuan became the one whose life was destined to be wretched, while Shi Qingxuan became the one who would be blessed with divinity.
On the eve of Hanlu, Dream Qingxuan ascended to godhood - and Dream He Xuan died. Shi Wudu personally watched it happen.
Dream He Xuan became a ghost, and eventually infiltrated the heavens to take revenge on the one who had wronged him so. He took on the identity of the Earth Master Ming Yi, and accidentally befriended Dream Qingxuan, yet kept denying it.
“Is it so shameful to know me? What hurtful words, Ming-Xiong! I'm your best friend!”
“I have no friends who would run around in that sort of attire.”
Then, centuries later, the day Dream He Xuan decided to take revenge came. It was a grand scheme, carefully perfected over hundreds of years, fed by lifetimes of anger and pain…and yet it didn't go as he had wanted to. Shi Qingxuan recognised this scene.
The man who looked familiar yet unknown to her was Dream He Xuan. Usually, Shi Qingxuan was in the position of Dream Qingxuan: chained to the wall, kneeling on the floor. This time, she watched from an outside perspective. Dream Qingxuan was screaming herself hoarse, crying and begging. But it was no use. The sounds were all muffled by the time they reach Shi Qingxuan's ears, but she could make out one sentence clearly: “You called the wrong person.”
Dream He Xuan…killed Shi Wudu. What he was holding in his hand, was his severed head…
Before Shi Qingxuan could process what she had just seen and react to it appropriately, the scene changed again.
Dream Qingxuan was sitting in a rundown alleyway. His clothing was dirty and torn in places, his hair disheveled, face pale and cheeks sunken. Over and over, he muttered, “I'm a god, I'm a god, I'm a god…”
In the next scene, Shi Qingxuan saw Hua Cheng and Xie Lian. Dream Qingxuan had a bad leg and a broken arm and was shuffling around a temple that was nearing the end of its lifespan. Beggars were curled up all around it. Dream Qingxuan spoke to Xie Lian and Hua Cheng. Shi Qingxuan once again couldn't make out much, but she saw how Dream Qingxuan slung an arm over Xie Lian's shoulder, and how he seemed to be both happy and yet sad to see him.
Yet a bit later, Dream Qingxuan stood in a circle of people holding hands.
He was talking to Hua Cheng, complaining maybe, but Hua Cheng wasn't listening. He grabbed Dream Qingxuan and threw him to the ground.
It was then that Shi Qingxuan realised it…wasn't actually Hua Cheng. His physical form kept changing, but at the same time, Shi Qingxuan was certain it was Dream He Xuan.
Just then, Dream He Xuan flung something at him. Without thinking, Dream Qingxuan reached up and caught it, but his entire face blanched when he saw what he had caught.
It was the Wind Master Fan.
Shi Qingxuan felt a pang of pain in her heart. That fan…that fan looked exactly like the one He Xuan had gifted her! It was even patched in the exact same spot that seemed to have once been broken on Shi Qingxuan's fan...
-
Shi Qingxuan woke up feeling dread. She had had a very weird dream again, and was crying uncontrollably. This was, however, not her main concern.
Her phone was exploding with notifications. As she reached towards her nightstand to grab it, a dull headache assaulted her. Ugh, she had had a bit too much to drink the night before, hadn't she? Her memory wasn't exactly clear, but she did recall that after coming home from her meeting with Xie Lian and Hua Cheng and being unable to sleep for so long, she had decided to consult everyone's favourite website as well, about those troublesome thoughts and feelings that had been plaguing her.
With the feeling of dread intensifying, for a whole new reason now, Shi Qingxuan unlocked her phone and opened Reddit.
First, she looked at her own post.
Oh.
Oh no.
The post in question went as follows:
“ok im gonna try to keep thsi short bht i need yalls advice
so im a lesbian. everyone at uni knows that because i really dont try to keep it a secret. and i have a huge crush on my roommate i actually think thi sisnt jus a crush anymore i love her so muvh
weve known eachother since high school but werent especailly close back thne. we used to work on projects together but she said she didnt consider me a friend and we kinda stopped talking for a qhile but our relationship evened out over time and by the end of high school we got along okay again. now we go to the same uni nd since we already knew eachother we moved in together out of convenience. i was well aware she was super hot and drop dead gorgeous since we first met and my gay heart had already developed a tiny crush on her in high school but it got soo much worse when we started living together. and now the thing is shes been doing these things and acting so friendly with me the past few months nd idk if i have a chance with her or if shes just that nice and is doing it all platonically??? heres a list of examples”
The post went on to list all the clues that had been occupying Shi Qingxuan's thoughts for the last few months: He Xuan's care for her while she was sick, the constant flow of gifts, her cryptic texts, and the make-out session that may or may not have happened on Christmas Eve... The more Shi Qingxuan read of her drunken post, the more she cringed and squirmed, until she got to the end:
“also this might be important to meniton. on christmas we got a bit drunk and my memory is hazy but im pretty sure we kissed. like a lot. she said i was looking like i wanted to kiss her and that she wouldnt mind and then i remember that we DID kiss but neither of us ever mentioned it again and its like it never happened im going to actually cry.
PLEASE dear internet strangers help this certified useless lesbian figure out what to do. •́ ‿ ,•̀”
She gulped. Did He Xuan have Reddit? She wasn't sure. She hoped not. There was no way this was going to end well if she did, considering the post seemed to have unexpectedly blown up. It had over four thousand upvotes, and about three hundred comments…
Shi Qingxuan skimmed through them all. Most said they couldn't believe someone could actually be as oblivious as her, that the two of them were practically already dating. Some even accused Shi Qingxuan of pretending to be uncertain on purpose and that she was actually well aware that He Xuan must like her back. Or that the whole story was only made up in the first place. As she scrolled and scrolled, she was starting to space out, but one specific comment caught her attention and hurled her back to focus.
“u/waningmoonofficer: hey OP, are you aware this post's being shared all over Twitter? Idk if she uses twitter but if you don't want her to find out that way you better talk to her asap. Good luck”
Shi Qingxuan froze. She knew for certain that He Xuan had Twitter and used it frequently. Especially in the mornings, right after waking up…which would be right about now. Shi Qingxuan wasn't too dedicated a Twitter user, but it didn't take her long to find her Reddit post reposted on the cursed bird app. A little more scrolling, and there it was again. The little dummy Qingxuan proceeded to panic.
She made a split-second decision: she'd talk to He Xuan right now.
Dropping her phone, she tiptoed out of her room. He Xuan was sitting on the sofa, typing away on her laptop. Shi Qingxuan hid behind the wall, taking a deep breath and mentally chanting, ‘You can do it girl, you can do it’, over and over again until she felt sufficiently dissociated from reality.
She stepped out from her hiding spot and entered the living room with uncertain steps, nearly tripping over her own feet several times. He Xuan heard her approaching and looked up.
Shi Qingxuan felt ready to faint. It had never been possible for her to look at He Xuan without her heartbeat accelerating. Now, it was beating like it was trying to escape her body.
He Xuan raised an eyebrow. Understandable, Shi Qingxuan had just been standing there and staring for a good bit now after all.
She sounded like she was being held at gunpoint as she said, “I- uhm- I…need to, ah, talk to you about…something…”
He Xuan patted the empty spot next to her and Shi Qingxuan stumbled over. By the time she sat down, He Xuan had already taken out her phone and turned it towards Shi Qingxuan.
“Is it about this?”
The phone screen showed a Twitter post by @peimingguang. It was a screenshot of a Reddit post. One that consisted of a lot of text. Posted by…u/fengshiqingxuan…
Shi Qingxuan’s fight or flight instinct kicked in once she realised that it was in fact her post, and that He Xuan must have read it all. Giving an awkward laugh, she jumped up and was about to run off, but got caught somehow on the coffee table in front of the sofa and fell flat on her face instead. Her laughing turned into crying as she was overcome by physical pain from falling, embarrassment and fear.
With He Xuan's help, she made it back onto the sofa. Her attempt to flee brought to ruin like that, she gave up any hope of escaping the situation.
After a beat, she nodded once. “Yeah. About that.”
“Mmh,” He Xuan hummed. Then, catching Shi Qingxuan off-guard, she grabbed her chin and tilted her head upward so that she was forced to look back at He Xuan.
“We did kiss that night. I remember it very well.” She leaned in slightly. “I don't want to just be friends with you.”
Finally saying these words out loud felt freeing; like a century old burden had been lifted from her. He Xuan didn't cry often. But now her heart ached with relief, and she couldn't stop her eyes from misting.
There was so much more she wanted to say. 'I want to be your everything. I want to be all you think about, from the moment you wake up until you fall back asleep. I want to haunt your dreams. I want to find you in our next lives and love you again, and again, and again. Until the end of time. I want to love you forever.'
Shi Qingxuan simply started crying harder. She threw herself into He Xuan’s embrace, pushing her over. During the short timeframe between waking up and just now, she had imagined thousands of ways the conversation could have gone wrong. Thousands of ways that He Xuan could have rejected her, from trying to let her down gently to straight up insulting her and going as far as moving out. It had driven her mad. But now all she could do was laugh through her tears.
It was fine.
It was all fine.
Damned be the past, damned be how much she had been keeping silent about her feelings, and damned be all the little but inexplicable things that had happened. It was fine!
Although she had been well-off her entire life and never lacked for money or attention, she had still always felt like something had been missing. Like there was a deep, deep hole in her heart. No one ever really noticed, not even Shi Qingxuan herself. But now that it was filled, it changed everything.
She couldn't help but wonder why she suddenly thought that this very moment was what she had kept going for all this time. What a silly thought. Shi Qingxuan wasn't even twenty yet, and hadn't experienced much suffering in her life. But even when she fell asleep much later that day, curled up in He Xuan's bed next to the girl herself, that thought wouldn't stop echoing through her head.
-
Dream Qingxuan was dying. He sat near a lake, staring at the still surface of the water. He couldn't seem to avert his gaze. He just kept looking at it, as if under a spell, until his consciousness faded out.
Dream Qingxuan seemed to be very, very old when he died.
Just when Shi Qingxuan thought the scene was about to disappear, someone stepped out from inside the lake. It was Dream He Xuan. The world began darkening, obscuring Shi Qingxuan's view of the scene playing out in front of her. She thought to be able to just barely make out how Dream He Xuan slowly disappeared into thin air, right in front of Dream Qingxuan.
Everything was pitch black, and Shi Qingxuan felt herself on the brink of waking up. Right before she regained control over her body, a sentence flashed through her head: “I wish for nothing but to meet you again in another life - and if I do, this time I'll love you forever.”
-
Startling awake, Shi Qingxuan sat up and found He Xuan right beside her. They looked at each other, confused.
Unbeknownst to each other, both of them had had the same dream just now. Both had been observers, watching people who shared their names. Both had seen their ancient counterparts die. And both had heard the same thing right before waking up.
Neither of them said anything. Eventually, Shi Qingxuan broke the silence. She hugged He Xuan's waist and whispered, “Jiejie, I'm going to love you forever.”
He Xuan blushed, but tried to play it off by acting annoyed. “Ridiculous, how would you even do that?”
Despite saying that, she hugged Shi Qingxuan back tightly. Although she didn't say it, she also wished to repair what had been broken an impossibly long time ago.
The truth was, He Xuan knew. The day she had moved in with Shi Qingxuan, she had started to remember. All of it.
At first, it had been too painful. She had made up excuses to stay out late and see Shi Qingxuan as little as possible, but that had ended up making it all worse. Those memories wouldn't just disappear again, after all.
But after hurting for so long, without a break and no end in sight…she had simply felt exhausted. She was tired of hating. She wanted to breathe again.
He Xuan simply wanted to live alongside Shi Qingxuan once more.
She gently kissed Shi Qingxuan's hair.
In this life, they could love each other without guilt. There was no betrayal, no stolen fate, no unrightful divinity and no unfair death. They were humans, and the world was kind to them at last. Their souls were scarred from the time they spent yearning yet never finding, but those scars could finally heal.
It had been worth it to keep going for so long.
That wish had come true after all.