Chapter Text
Take my heart, don’t break it
Love me to my bones
All this time I wasted
You were right there all along
-Stargazing, Myles Smith
The day started in turmoil.
Buck made it home from Eddie’s fine but, despite being so tired he could barely keep his eyes open, sleep evaded him most of the night. He just couldn’t get Eddie’s words out of his head. Even worse, he couldn’t get the image of Eddie saying them out of there, either. The sincerity, the calmness…how was he so calm? Buck was freaking out, had been for some time. As if on cue, his phone buzzed with a text.
From Eddie.
Don’t panic. This doesn’t change anything, ok? See you at work.
Don’t panic? Nothing’s changed? Was he kidding? Buck couldn’t wrap his mind around that. Of course this changed things. Obviously they were still best friends, sure. That would never change. But thinking nothing would change at all? With as affectionate as Buck could be at times? His stomach started to hurt as he thought about all the times he might have given Eddie the wrong idea. Had he ever led him on? Given him false hope? Hurt him? What kind of friend did stuff like that?
Buck put off starting his day for as long as he could but, eventually, he had to pull himself out of bed and get ready for work. Still, he had no idea how he was going to face Eddie after last night. That was all answered for him when Eddie pulled him aside as soon as he got in.
“Stop freaking out.”
“I’m not freaking out,” Buck said, refusing to make eye contact. “I just…feel guilty, is all.”
Eddie sighed. “Why would you feel guilty?”
“I just keep thinking about all the times I might have led you on or hurt you or—“
“Evan, stop. You didn’t know. I could have told you at any time but I didn’t, you haven’t hurt me or led me on or any of that. Ok?” When Buck didn’t respond, Eddie tried again. “Ok?”
“I know now though. What if I—”
“You won’t.”
“But what if I do?”
“You won’t.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I know you.” Eddie laughed and shook his head. “Our friendship is no different today than it was yesterday, ok? The only thing that’s changed - the only thing - is that you know.”
Buck nodded slowly, anxiety still gnawing at him. “You’ll tell me if I cross a line?”
“I always do.”
“Can I…can I ask why?”
“Why what?” Buck gave Eddie a look and he laughed. “Oh. Well, if we got into that, we’d be here all day.” He winked and clapped Buck on the shoulder before calling after Hen. And then it was just Buck and his thoughts again.
He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t hyper aware of Eddie throughout their shift, but other than that…things really did feel the same. Eddie was still just Eddie and Buck was just as comfortable with him then as he was before. At the same time, however, he’d been called out for staring by both Chimney and Hen on two separate, completely unrelated occasions. And when asked why he was staring, Buck truly didn’t know. Both times he’d said he’d just been zoning out, but that wasn’t true. He had been staring. But at what? It was just Eddie. He looked as he had every day before, nothing had changed…and yet he continued to stare throughout the day. He got better at being discreet about it, and it was much easier when Eddie was talking directly to him (it’s good manners to look at who you’re speaking to, after all), but…it wasn’t long before he texted Maddie to ask if she had a moment to talk.
“Is everything alright?”
Buck laughed. “So we’re past hi, how are you?”
“I fail to see how that’s any different than what I asked.”
Another laugh. “Everything is fine, I don’t need you to be a concerned big sister today.” Buck looked over his shoulder to make sure the coast was clear. “I do need some advice, though? Or rather, I have a question, and I need you to answer it as truthfully as possible–”
“Of course!”
“--without reading into it.”
“Oh. Can I read into it a little bit?”
“No.”
“Not even–”
“Maddie please.”
Maddie paused for a moment - no doubt trying to decipher the slight desperation in his voice - then agreed. “Ok. No reading into it. What’ve ya got?”
“I was wondering how you knew when you and Chimney went from just friends to friends and dot dot dot.”
“Just to be clear, friends and dot dot dot isn’t friends with benefits, right?”
“No, nothing like that.”
“So the dot dot dot is…?”
“Feelings,” Buck said, looking over his shoulder again. “How did you know that what you were feeling wasn’t just really good friendship?”
“Is this about–”
“No, no! No reading into it!”
“God you suck.” Maddie sighed. “Ok well…hmm…I don’t really know.”
Buck’s shoulders slumped. He was really hoping Maddie could help him sort out the mess in his head, but if all she had for him was an I don’t know then what–
“I guess I just sort of realized that what I felt for him was different than what I felt for my other friends.”
Buck perked up a bit at Maddie’s answer. “Different how?”
“Well…ok, take Josh for example. If anything happened to him I would be devastated, sure, but I would probably be ok again eventually. But if anything happened to Howie…I don’t know that I’d ever be ok again.”
Buck’s eyes once more found Eddie and he swallowed hard. “Ever? What about the kids?”
“Obviously I’d pull it together and be a mom but I wouldn’t be doing that for me.”
“Was there anything else? Any other signs?”
“What is this about?”
“Can’t read into it.”
“Right. Which is why I’m just asking what it’s about.”
“I’m curious.”
Maddie sighed. “This is about Eddie, isn’t it?”
Buck’s blood ran cold. “Why do you say that?”
“Honestly? Because I’ve been waiting for this question.”
“It’s not…I’m not…I don’t…shut up.”
Maddie laughed. “You have to get better at that.”
“Shut up.”
“I don’t know what level of crisis you’re at right now but–”
“There’s no crisis, I was just curious.”
“--if it helps, you’ve always been one to love those closest to you fiercely, and with everything you have. You love loving people, it makes you happy. But in all the time that I’ve known you, I have never seen you light up the way you do when you talk about Eddie and Christopher.”
“What do you mean?”
“I thought I’d seen you happy, thought I knew what that looked like. And then you told me about Eddie and I realized, I’d never seen it. Not before then.”
“Well of course he makes me happy, he’s my best friend.”
“And has been from the moment you told me about him.”
Buck was quiet for a moment, going over what Maddie said in his head. “Why haven’t I noticed, then? Why didn’t I feel things…change?”
“Because you love fiercely, with everything you have.” Maddie smiled. “It’s entirely possible it never really changed for you. Sometimes you meet someone and you…you just know.” She laughed. “And sometimes you meet someone and your heart sings but you don’t realize it because you’re used to loving with all that you are, no matter what.”
“Then how do I know if this is that or…more?”
“I can’t answer that for you. What I can say, though, is that you already have the answer, you just have to figure out where you put it.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“I know, I’m sorry. But there are some things you just have to figure out for yourself.”
“Yeah.” Buck sighed. “Thank you, though. At the very least you’ve given me something to think about.”
“Uh-oh.”
“Haha, bye.”
“Love you!”
“Love you, too.” Buck leaned back against the ladder truck, his head even more of a mess than it was before he called Maddie. So much for getting help sorting it. It was news to him that he lit up when he talked about Eddie, but what exactly did that mean? It made sense to a point, Eddie was his best friend and meant a great deal to him, but surely that didn’t mean that his feelings were romantic, right? After all, Maddie had said he lit up when he talked about Christopher, too, so probably he just loved them both like family…right?
“You ok?”
Buck jumped clear out of his skin, sending Eddie into a fit of laughter that had him doubling over and clutching his stomach. “Yeah, yeah, very funny.”
“I didn’t even sneak up on you!”
“What’s your point?”
“I said hi even!”
Buck rolled his eyes, then pointed at the clipboard Eddie was holding. “Need help?”
“Hen would kill me if I gave you this.” Buck held his hands up in surrender, and Eddie continued. “If you wanna call out inventory though, I won’t say no.”
“On it.”
They worked through the items on Eddie’s list in record time and, by the time they were done, Buck once more felt the familiar comfort that usually settled on him when he was with Eddie. He must have made a face when it dawned on him, however, because Eddie asked again, “Are you ok?”
Buck looked up. “Hm? Oh, yeah. Just…called Maddie earlier, she said some stuff that got me thinking.”
“Uh-oh.”
“You know, I’m a good person, so I don’t know why everyone who claims they love me is so dead-set on bullying me.”
Eddie laughed again. “Good stuff or bad stuff?”
“Just stuff.” Buck shrugged. “Good, I guess. But confusing.” For what seemed like the millionth time that day, Buck checked to make sure no one was close enough to listen in on their conversation. “When did you…how did you know?”
“Well…that’s a really good question. I don’t know if there was ever a moment when things shifted, but I do know when I realized they had.”
“When was that?”
Eddie motioned for Buck to come closer, and he leaned in, eager to hear what Eddie had to say. “None of your business.”
“Oh ok. Hope you trip going upstairs.”
Eddie chuckled. “Down.”
“Hm?” Buck raised an eyebrow. “What?”
“Hope you trip going downstairs.”
“Ok first of all, never correct me. Second of all, you’re already downstairs, so that would be a stupid thing to hope for. And third of all, don’t be ridiculous, you could hurt yourself tripping down the stairs. Tripping up them only hurts your pride.”
Eddie just smiled. “I don’t know what I was expecting.”
“Exactly. See how silly you look right now?” Buck shook his head. “Never correct me.”
“I’ll do better next time.”
Eddie excused himself and Buck let him go, turning his attention elsewhere until Eddie’s laughter pulled it to the staircase. Eddie sat on a step halfway up, laughing so hard tears were in his eyes. It took Buck a moment before he realized what had happened, and his own laughter mingled with Eddie’s as the rest of the 118 stared at them in confusion.
—
Buck took the stairs two at a time, desperate to catch Eddie before he headed home. Sure, he could call him or even stop by the house, but if he had to wait any longer Buck was certain he’d lose his nerve. “Eddie Eddie Eddie Eddie!”
Eddie turned, looking very amused. “One Eddie would have sufficed,” he said.
Buck took a second to catch his breath. “Sorry, I wanted to catch you before you left.”
“Clearly.”
“Can we talk?”
“I gotta go relieve Carla…”
“This won’t take long, I promise.”
Eddie waved his hand as if to say proceed. “Get in the truck, though. It’s cold out here.”
Buck nodded and hurried to the passenger side, pausing for a moment to take a deep breath and prepare himself for what he was about to do. His mind wandered - not for the first time that day - to the evening prior, and the conversation he’d had with Eddie then. Even he didn’t know why he’d gone over there feeling the way he did, but as soon as Eddie started questioning him, it made sense. He’d wanted to talk about it, had wanted to talk to Eddie specifically about his decision, because even if he hated what Buck was saying, he would still let him say it, would still let him organize his thoughts out loud. Because that was Eddie, that was a part of what made him Buck’s favorite person; he always met Buck halfway, always let him speak, always listened like what Buck was saying mattered, and he always - always - knew when something was wrong.
“Alright, Buckley, you’ve been moping on my couch all evening. Out with it.”
“I’m not moping.”
“Oh, my apologies.” Eddie dropped onto the couch beside his friend and fixed him with an unamused glare. “I should have said pouting.”
“I’m not pouting, either.”
“Buck. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I’ve just…come to a decision.”
Eddie looked intrigued. “About?”
“Love.”
“Ooo, do tell.”
“I’m giving up.”
“On?”
“Finding it.”
“Oh please.”
“I’m serious. I used to think it wasn’t too much to ask that someone love me back but I’m starting to realize that maybe it is.”
“Stop it, people love you.”
“Of course. But that’s not what I mean.”
“I know what you mean, my statement stands.”
“I’m difficult to love, I’m sure. I’m always in my head and twisting things around, half the time I’m a self fulfilling prophecy, loving me must be exhausting.”
Eddie frowned. He’d figured an ex had reached out or Buck’s phone had done that thing where it reminded him of a photo memory from the past, he’d gotten sad about it, and decided to be a bit dramatic to ease the ache. Just Buck being Buck but…the more he talked, the more Eddie wondered if he wasn’t actually being serious. “Loving you is easy,” he said softly.
“Is it, though? I mean, put yourself in their shoes for a minute.”
“Whose shoes?”
“Someone trying to love me.”
Eddie sighed. “I’ll do my best to imagine what that’s like.”
“Your sacrifice has been noted. So, imagine we’re dating, right? And you want nothing more than to love me and all I do is doubt it and doubt you and doubt myself. I mean, hell, I’d get tired of loving me.”
“Ok but as your boyfriend I would love you through those times when you don’t love yourself.”
“But how many times are you gonna put yourself through that before you decide I’m just not worth it?”
“What is this?” Eddie asked finally. “What are you hoping to achieve with this?” He must have sounded irritated, because Buck paused and gave him an odd look.
“I just…I don’t know.” Buck ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. “Guess I needed to say it outloud and didn’t really wanna be alone when I did?”
“Say what outloud?”
“That I’m unloveable. That I’m gonna be alone forever and that it’s ok.”
“No,” Eddie said with an irritated laugh. “You’re not unloveable, Buck.”
“And yet...”
“You have a whole army of people who love you.”
“I know, and I’m not trying to say that’s nothing. I know that’s not an easy task–”
“Stop saying that.”
“--and I appreciate you all, I do. That’s why I think I’m ok with this, I won’t really be alone.”
“At least you get that part.”
“I just won’t ever experience true romantic love.”
“That’s the part where you keep losing me.”
“I know it sounds like I’m just being dramatic–”
“No,” Eddie said, turning so he could better see Buck. “It doesn’t sound like that, you are just being dramatic. You’re not destined to be alone, Buck, you’re just…sad right now. Or lonely. Or both. Neither of which mean you’re going to be alone forever.”
“Why do you look angry?”
“I’m not angry.”
Buck studied Eddie for a moment. “Yes you are, why are you angry?”
“Because you drive me crazy sometimes! You’re so fucking mean to yourself, you say things about yourself that you would never say to or about anyone else, and it’s madening. If we were dating, that’s what would be difficult. Not loving you, that’s easy, there’s so much about you worth loving. But hearing you talk like that about someone I love, my someone? That would break my heart.” Eddie sighed. “I get it, I do. You love hard and when it ends it hurts the same, and that hurt doesn’t always go away. Sometimes it lingers in little bits that pop up when you least expect it to and when it does it hurts all over again. But you have always - always - gotten back up, Buck. Always. Why give up now?”
Buck shrugged. “I’m tired of always getting back up.”
“Then ask for help.”
“It’s not that I can’t do it,” Buck said, his eyes getting slightly glassy. “It’s just that I don’t want to anymore. I’m tired, it hurts to get up now. How many more times do I have to do this before I find someone who won’t knock me down to begin with?” Eddie’s face softened, but he didn’t say anything. “Exactly. No one knows. It may never stop happening. And every time it does, the people who do love me have to deal with sad Buck, and it pushes them closer to the he’s too difficult to love zone. I don’t want to keep doing that to you all.”
“That zone doesn’t exist for us.”
“Everyone says that.”
“Evan–”
“It’s ok, really. I know I look sad about it, but I think that’s unavoidable. I want a family, I do. I want to have kids and all that, but it’s just not in the stars for me. No one’s going to put up with me long enough for that to happen and honestly, I don’t want to do that to a person, least of all one I love. It’s easier on everyone if I just accept that no one is going to love me.”
“I do.”
Buck smiled. “I know, Eddie. But you know what I mean.”
“I know what you mean,” Eddie said again. “My statement stands.”
“Romantic love,” Buck said, eyeing Eddie warily. “That’s what I’m talking about.”
“Mhm.”
“That’s…also what you’re talking about?”
“Mhm.”
Buck was quiet for a long time, and Eddie let the silence exist. For a long while, the two just stared at each other, neither one moving save for the occasional blink. Eddie felt surprisingly relaxed for having let his best friend in on his biggest secret, but even that wasn’t much of a surprise. As much as they argued and got on each others’ nerves at times, Eddie almost always felt at ease with Buck. Calm. Collected. Centered. Grounded.
Finally, Buck cleared his throat. “I don’t know if I understand.”
“Would it help if I just said it?”
“Maybe?”
Eddie smiled. “Ok then. Evan Buckley, I’m in love with you.”
“I’m in love with you, too,” Buck said as he slammed his door.
“For Christ's sake.”
“What?”
Eddie dropped his head onto the steering wheel and mumbled something under his breath that Buck couldn’t make out. “You don’t have to do this. I told you nothing needed to change. In fact, I would prefer it if you didn’t do this.”
“This being…?”
“This.”
“Confessing?”
Eddie groaned. “Yes. You don’t have to do this just because I did. I’m not…I didn’t tell you because I wanted something in return. I told you because I was sick of hearing you be so fucking mean to yourself. You kept saying you were unlovable and I knew you weren’t, and I wanted you to know you weren’t, too.That’s it. You don’t have to force yourself to–”
“I’m not.”
“Then what is this?”
“Me, telling you that I feel the same way.”
“But you didn’t.”
“That’s not true.”
“Evan.”
“I didn’t know that I did, that’s different. You said you had a moment when you realized you were in love with me, right? That’s what this is, for me.”
“You’re infuriating, you know that?”
“You don’t believe me?”
“No, I do believe you, that’s the infuriating part. You come running up to me, all eager to tell me something because last night I said I was in love with you and you spent all day being jumpy and weird and now you’re telling me that actually, you love me, too, and I think you fucking mean it.”
Buck frowned slightly. “Is that not a good thing? Why are you angry?”
“I’m not angry!”
“He yells.”
Eddie took a breath. “I’m not angry. I’m just…surprised? Shocked?”
“Those mean the same thing.”
“I swear to god.” Eddie once more dropped his forehead onto the steering wheel. “Stop talking, I need to think.”
Buck was silent for a while, but when Eddie didn’t say anything else, he decided to fill the silence himself. “When I called Maddie earlier—”
“Evan, please.”
“Let me say this and I’ll shut up. I’ll even get out of the truck if that’s what you want. Not really sure why you wanted to have this talk in here in the first place.”
Without lifting his head, Eddie turned the key, the truck roared to life, and the heater kicked on. “That’s why.”
“…did you forge—”
“Continue.”
“Right…well…when I talked to Maddie, I asked her how she knew Chim wasn’t just a friend. She said she just realized one day that she didn’t want to exist without him, which got me thinking about Mitchell and Thomas. Do you remember them?” Eddie finally lifted his head from the steering wheel and fixed his gaze on Buck, who was perfectly content staring at his hands.
“Yeah, I think so. The car rolled and pinned one, the other passed after the fact.”
Buck nodded. “Thomas - he was the one who died after the fact - he’d been talking to me while I checked him out. He was pretty heartbroken, of course he was, he’d just lost the love of his life, and he was telling me about him. About the two of them, really, how all they ever really wanted was to go together. And they had this book of all these photos of each other throughout the years and some were of amazing moments. Those two lived through some history. But there were also pictures of them just being together, and I remember thinking they were really lucky. And before Thomas died I told him that I could only hope to find a love like that, and he said you don’t find it, you make it.” Buck paused a moment, thinking over his next words carefully. “I was in a bad place when that happened, so I didn’t get what he was saying at the time, but I think I get it now. I used to think love was this thing that happened to you, that there was a person that the universe tied you to and that was your person until your story was over, but…I think it’s a choice. I think it’s finding someone who’ll tie themselves to you, and you both tie yourselves together, and then you choose to tighten the knots over and over again, whenever they get loose. And if you choose the right person, you not only make yourself happy, but for the time that those knots are tight, that happiness spreads to those around you.” He nodded once, as if he was deciding on something. “That’s what I'm doing. I’m choosing you, choosing us, and I know it’s the right choice because it’s you, and it’s Christopher, and even though I know I'll have to choose to keep going if anything happens to you, I can’t imagine what that would look like.” He finally looked at Eddie, his face serious. “Because there’s no version of the future that I can picture where you’re not by my side.” They stared at each other in silence for a moment, before Buck continued. “Uh…the end, I guess.”
“The end.” Eddie shook his head and laughed.
“Yeah that’s…all I had to say. I’ll get outta your hair now.” Buck turned to open the door, but Eddie got to the lock button faster. “Actually I won’t get outta your hair now…?”
“So you’re saying you…what?”
“Feel the same?”
“You sound unsure.”
“More like the adrenaline is wearing off and I’m realizing what I just did.”
“Helluva feeling, huh?”
“Yeah. Feels good, though. Feels right. Scary, but right.”
Eddie smiled then, the soft, dopey one he usually had when he was actually happy, and Buck was struck with the insatiable desire to know what that smile tasted like. As if reading his mind, Eddie leaned in, prompting Buck to do the same and close the distance between them.
It was like no kiss Buck had ever experienced before; it was clumsy and a little awkward at first, neither of them knew what to do with their hands and it was obvious that they were both nervous. But, as was always the way with them, they got comfortable quick and fell into an almost natural rhythm. Eddie’s hands found their way into Buck’s hair and tugged gently, drawing a moan out of him that had his whole face burning. His own hands tugged at Eddie’s shirt, desperate to pull him closer as a single thought repeated over and over, steady like the heartbeat pounding in his ears:
More. More. More. More.
The longer he tasted Eddie’s lips, the more he craved them, craved him. He wondered rapid fire what his neck tasted like, his chest, his tattoo, his thighs…he had his hands on Eddie’s hips, ready to pull him into his lap, when Eddie stopped him with a firm hand to the center of his chest.
“Easy, cowboy,” he said, trying to catch his breath. “Not here, not like this.”
Buck could only manage a strangled whine in response, because Eddie was looking at him, his clothes a mess, his pupils blown wide with desire, and his lips…Buck managed another quick kiss before Eddie laughed and pushed him back into his seat.
“You’re something else,” Buck finally said, his voice dripping with adoration. “Can’t believe I didn’t see it before.”
Eddie ran a hand over his face in an attempt to hide his reddened cheeks. “You can’t say that shit when you look like that.”
“Like what?” Buck asked. His eyes were glued to Eddie, his head foggy.
“You look…” Eddie let his breath out in a huff. “You got plans tonight?”
“Not that I can think of. You?”
“I’m sure I could think of a few things.”
“Yeah,” Buck breathed, “me too. Meet you at yours?”
Eddie’s eyes raked over his body, clearly taking in every inch of him. When he next spoke, his voice was low and deep in a way that sent a shiver up Buck’s spine. “Fuck that, you’re not going anywhere. You can get your jeep tomorrow.”
Buck nodded, his mind going over everything that had happened in reverse: the kiss, his confession, the weird day, the phone call with Maddie, Eddie telling him not to freak out, staring at his apartment ceiling instead of sleeping, Eddie’s confession, and the stupid, ridiculous, admittedly dramatic decision to give up on love that started the whole thing.
“Hey,” Buck finally said as he stared out the window. He leaned against it slightly, the glass cooling his suddenly too hot face. “Is it really easy?”
“Is what easy?”
“Loving me.” He looked at Eddie then and hoped the interior of the truck was too dark for him to see the color in his cheeks. “I thought you were just trying to make me feel better, being a good friend, all that. But now…”
Eddie held out one of his hands and Buck took it with little hesitation, smiling as Eddie intertwined their fingers and pressed a kiss to the back of Buck’s hand. “Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”
Buck dropped his gaze quickly in an attempt to hide the tears that seemed to appear out of nowhere. Eddie smiled at him but said nothing, just pressed another kiss to his hand, fully intending to hold onto it the entire drive home. Another silence settled between them, but this one wasn't uncomfortable or suffocating or tense. It was, Buck realized, comfortable. And for maybe the first time in his life, he wasn't in any rush to end it.