Chapter Text
1996 // Carla
You'll say, we've got nothing in common, no common ground to start from. And we're falling apart.
You'll say, the world has come between us, our lives have come between us. Still, I know you just don't care.
I hate this bloody song, I've got no idea why Paul put it on the mix tape he made me.
I've got no idea why he made the thing in the first place.
I know it's supposed to some proper romantic gesture, and maybe it would be if we were in St Elmo's Fire, but I found the whole thing quite embarrassing.
Even more embarrassing when he originally made it on CD. And I had to admit, red faced, that I only had a cassette player.
And an ancient one at that, the voices of Deep Blue Something starting to become robotic and juddery. I'm too cold to get up and turn it off, so glance around the living room for something I can fling at it.
//
Thump.
Thump.
Thump thump thump.
I feel my chest go tight with anxiety.
What if it's the gas board? Or the water board?
Or dodgy Glen who let me have two bottles of wine on tick last week?
I pull myself from the bare futon quickly, wincing as my feet meet freezing lino, despite wearing three pairs of socks.
Almost running over to my relic of a stereo and twisting the volume all the way down.
Thump. Thump.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
'Carla!' I hear Rob shout through the letterbox. Not sure if that's better or worse than an angry crackhead-come-loan shark really.
I press one squinted eye to the peep hole just to be doubly sure, before unlinking the chain and pulling three times on the warped door to get it open.
'Whadd'you fucking want?' I glare.
'Oh that's delightful. Charming way to speak to your only brother.' He smiles sarcastically, brushing my past my arm to get into the flat.
//
’If you want tea, I ain’t got any milk. And if you want food, I ain’t got any of that either.’ I sigh, pulling myself up onto one of the cleaner parts of the worktop.
Rob stands by the fridge, looking down at his feet, before raising his eyes to the bare bulb in the centre of the kitchen ceiling.
’You’re in trouble, aren’t ya?’ I stare at him knowingly.
Silence.
’Rob?’ I’m starting to get impatient now.
’Yeah, alright, alright. I owe someone money. Quite a lot of money.’
’Please don’t tell me it’s O’Neill.’ I whisper, my voice wavering.
Don’t get me wrong, for most of my life my younger brother has been the bane of my existence.
When we were kids he loved nothing more than winding me up until I spun into a ball of fury. If he wasn’t balding my Sindy dolls he was Chinese burning my arm. It was nice to have someone to hide from George from with though, when he came rolling home at kicking out time, desperate for a fight.
When I found out he’d started kicking about with the most brutal dealer on our estate, it was hard not feel a degree of older sister protectiveness. For a while it all seemed fairly straightforward, Rob ran for O’Neill and earned a decent wage doing it.
Far more than he could have making an honest living. But judging by the look on his face now, something has gone wrong. Badly wrong.
//
’I’ve messed up big time, Car. I owe him three grand.’ He eventually confesses, his voice deep and anxious.
’Fucking hell!’ I shout, my eyes wide.
’Have you got?’ He asks half the question, his voice desperate.
‘You really think I’d be living like this if I had a few grand kicking about? You must be mad as well as stupid.’ I signal round the room at the mouldy corners of wallpaper, loose cupboard doors and cracked floor.
’What about Paul?’ He chances.
’Paul isn’t even my boyfriend for Christ sake! What do you want me to do, knock on, let him have his way and then ask for his life savings? You’re insane!’ I exclaim, sliding myself off the kitchen side and running a hand through my messy hair.
Rob shakes his head, looking to the floor again.
‘You were stupid to get involved with someone like O’Neill, I told you that! And now you’ve lost his money? He’s gonna fucking kill you, Rob! What the hell are you gonna do?’
‘Yeah I’m aware of that. Look, uncle Johnny has got a place in Killarney, he’s said I can stay there. Until this blows over.’ I feel a sudden, strange, twinge of sadness at the thought of him leaving the country.
He is my favourite family member after all. Not that there’s much tough competition for that title.
’Just, just keep your head down alright. Anyone asks, me and you don’t even know each other, and you ain’t seen me, got it?’ He nods instructively.
//
I sniff back some tears and look at him from under my dark eyelashes. We’ve only really ever had each other. Truthfully, the thought of something happening to him is more than I can bear.
Rob cant meet my eyes for a moment. But then he walks across the kitchen and puts his hand on my shoulder.
’Be careful. You go getting yourself in trouble and O’Neill might hear about it. He’d only have to hear the name Donovan to connect the dots.’ That’s the last instruction he gives me before he turns to leave the kitchen, headed for the front door.
As he puts his hand on the lock, I wrap my arms around his neck and pull my bony body close to his. I can’t remember the last time we hugged, but he accepts it instantly, closing his arms around my back.
’You be careful, too.’ I whisper, and he nods.