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Jhoanna has always loved Christmas. There’s something about the atmosphere, about the way people seem so much calmer around this time of the year, that makes her feel incredibly relaxed. Everything seems so cozy—parks, markets, cafés, restaurants—that she completely forgets about things that would normally stress her out.
When in the Philippines, the best part to Jhoanna is, of course, actually being home. Being with her family. And her friends. Unfortunately, she still doesn’t have that special someone to share a blanket in front of the fire with, that someone who jokes about how exciting she gets about the flames, that someone who makes every place, even the crowded malls—the only thing she hates during Christmas—feel like home, that someone who holds her at night and kisses her nose because of how cute she is when she sees her presents—but she know she’ll have them eventually.
(She actually thinks she’s found that someone, she’s just not with them. But she doesn’t like to think about that. It makes her sad, and she doesn’t want to ruin Christmas for herself.)
Back when she was in BINI and they were traveling around the world, she found comfort in being with her bandmates. She found it in staying in warm places, in touring, in going skating on ice rinks with fake ice while the palm trees around her were moved by hot wind; she found it in sharing laughter with the people closest to her.
God, BINI. Jhoanna sighs. The love she still, after all these years, has for every single one of the seven girls is unreal. And they seem to still love her as well—they’d surprised her a few days ago, out of nowhere, with a trip to Berlin, because Jhoanna had kept texting them in the group chat, telling them time and time again that she really wanted to be somewhere cold over the holiday season for once, that she finally wanted to witness a white Christmas. And, being the great friends they still are, they’d given her a gift card a few days after her spam saying To make your greatest wish come true.
A grin spreads across her face. She still can’t believe that her girls would do something that amazing for her. Just thinking back to it now, she’s getting chills. She remembers smiling and laughing and crying when she’d gotten the card; it was just way too perfect, she couldn’t believe it. And even now, as she’s sitting on her hotel balcony in the German capital, with her face all lit up—both by the streetlights and her positive thoughts, the love she’s feeling—she still can’t fully believe she has friends who’d go out of their way to do her a favor this huge. Going to Berlin, with her, over the holidays? Choosing to make her happy over staying home with their families, their friends?
Her heart flutters as she’s overcome by the happiness they’re responsible for. By how lucky she is to have met them.
How lucky she is to have met her, Aiah.
She loves Aiah.
Don’t get her wrong now, she loves all seven girls, but if she’s completely honest, she loves—has always loved—Aiah more. Okay– maybe she doesn’t love her more, it would be unfair to say that—it’s just different.
It’s a different kind of love.
A love that makes her happy and unhappy, all at the same time. It makes her happy because the love she has for the girl fills her head and her whole body, and because it gives her chills whenever she’s close to Aiah. The reason why it makes her unhappy, though? She feels like she loses her mind when Aiah isn’t close to her. Like right now. It’s especially bad right now. She knows Aiah is only a couple of steps away from her, and she knows Aiah is within reach—at least physically.
And she also, in a way, knows that the Cebuana girl with the black hair is behind all of this, that Aiah is the reason why she’s here at the moment, because only Aiah could talk her friends into taking Jhoanna to Germany for the Christmas holidays.
Aiah. Only Aiah.
Jhoanna shakily inhales the nightly air as she leans forward over the railing. It smells like cars and winter. She likes the smell. With a smile on her face she gazes into the distance. The skyline is breathtaking. So many lights, so many colors are there, waiting to be seen, waiting to be taken in, waiting to blow minds, and so she wishes so much for her even more breathtaking love to be next to her right now, holding her hand. The fact that the woman had put in so much effort to make this Christmas dream of hers come true has Jhoanna completely awestruck. Maybe it makes her love her even more. Maybe. If that’s at all possible.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Jhoanna turns around to the source of her thoughts’ sudden interruption. Her hand automatically shoots up to where her heart is sitting in her rib cage, and she knits her eyebrows, trying desperately to find out what is happening.
“Luh?”
Is someone at the door? At her door? On Christmas Eve?
Or has she imagined the sound? The truth is, she doesn’t want to think too hard about her feelings for Aiah. So perhaps she made the knocking sound up in her head, as a distraction from her overthinking.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Or not.
There it is again, and it’s definitely real. Jhoanna swears she can see the door move with the intensity of the last knock.
Under her now fast-paced breath, she mumbles a too-quiet-to-be-heard, “Jusko po, ayoko pang mamatay.” As she gets closer and closer to the entrance of her temporary home, her hand slowly leaves her chest, but she’s still on alert, trying to figure out what exactly is going on.
The knocking has stopped, apparently, and nobody seem to be outside in the hallway anymore. If there ever was. What the hell is she going to do?
The door is there. Right in front of her. Will she open it? Or will she call someone instead? She bites the inside of her cheek, thinking about what to make her next step.
A piece of paper on the floor meets her eye. “Wait–” she bursts out, “how–”
Yeah, how has that gotten here? It certainly hadn’t been here before she’d left the room. So–
“Oh.”
Suddenly, it dawns on her. And she stands there, in front of her bed, realizing that it’s somehow all connected. The knocking, the paper– alright, so this is either someone being really cute or someone being super creepy. She hopes for the former, but, knowing how lucky she is most of the time, she’s sure it’s the latter.
In her mind, of course, it’s Aiah doing something sweet for her, but she quickly discards that thought.
“Ang imposible naman no’n,” she tells herself.
She takes another few steps forward, and rolls her eyes right before bending over to pick up the sheet. It’s probably from some stalker-y fan who’s found out she’s here. A person who’s currently waiting outside to murder her. A chuckle leaves her lips. It’s not improbable.
She waits another few seconds before going back to her bed to sit down and read what she’s received. It’s stupid to wait, but she just cannot make herself read it right away. And the minute she takes to breathe helps.
Her heartbeat has noticeably slowed down by the time she feels ready to look at the front of what she’s still holding in her slightly trembling hands.
Whatever she’d expected to find, to see, to read—it’s not this.
Lights on the trees under fallen snow
You get a bit closer when the winter's cold
Now I can't wait 'til you're by my side
All of the best gifts, you just can't buy
Wherever you go, you light up the room
I hope that you'll make it back home soon
'Cause it won't feel like Christmas without you
I wish we were kissing under mistletoe
The stars on the sky just can't match your glow
Now I can't wait 'til you're by my side
We'll be warm by the fire all night, oh
I wanna hold you while the bells are all ringing
Want you to be here while the angel's singing
Days are perfect when I got you near
My only wish is you here
Wherever you go, you light up the room
I hope that you'll make it back home soon
'Cause it won't feel like Christmas without you
merry christmas!
ps: meet me at the reception
Jhoanna is out of the door in no time. Her heart is racing, again, but she’s not scared this time. No, she’s nervous now. And, believe it or not, it isn’t in a negative way. It’s a positive kind of nervous. Because she’s excited about meeting them. And she will. She’s sure of it. The way the mysterious person wrote the letter tells her it can’t be malicious. It sounds rather tender, gentle, and the words she’s read make her all warm and tingle-y. So, yes, she knows it’s nothing to be worried about. They’re not a stalker, it’s not a prank, it’s–
Jhoanna stumbles over her own feet as she takes the last couple of steps, not being aware of when the staircase actually ends. How has she gotten to the lobby so quickly in the first place? She almost runs into a couple that walks past her, and without apologizing she makes her way over to the reception. The desk clerk looks at her with question marks written all over his forehead.
“Uh– hi,” she awkwardly smiles, “I was told to be here… now.”
The receptionist raises his eyebrow, but doesn’t say anything to her in response. He simply turns around to a female colleague who seems to be going through some files. All that Jhoanna hears him say is something that sounds like she’s kitesurfing in mold and comes back—once the woman has given him an answer in German—with a smirk on his tan face.
“Right,” he says, and then clears his throat, “if you could just sit down at that table for a minute or two. Someone will see you.”
Feeling incredibly confused, Jhoanna does as she’s just been told, and walks straight across the lobby. She waves back at the guy behind the counter when she’s halfway to the sofa, and can see him still clearly smirking. God, if anything is creepy, this is it. Ah well, she’s just going to focus back on how she’s going to meet someone who’s really good with words, someone thoughtful, someone who seems to be like–
God, don’t even think it.
Aiah.
Alright, so, at this point, it may be an impossibility to deny her feelings, never mind ignore them. If the girl enters her mind in moments like this, in moments that don’t technically have anything to do with her, and only really mention a trait that she also has? Jhoanna sinks back into her chair, embarrassed. Her cheeks feel hot, kind of like her whole body. God, she is gone for.
How long she’s been like this and ignored it, she doesn’t even know. And she’s also not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that she’s finally coming to terms with her love. Her deep, deep love. The love that she’s felt and kept on the inside.
It’s a good thing, she decides right then and there, to let it out—and by that, she means to open up to herself about it, first and foremost—to think about it in this way. She may not be able to speak about it just yet, but it is nice to feel these feelings, to let herself feel them during this special time of the year.
So Jhoanna sits back up straight and lets herself indulge in the newly found beauty of loving Aiah.
It doesn’t even bother her that twenty minutes have passed since she was told someone’s going to be seeing her right away. No, it is thirty minutes and countless lists of what makes Aiah so exceptionally beautiful inside and out later that she does notice she’s most likely being stood up. Her theory of it not being a stalker that wants to see her proves itself right, then, as it cannot possibly be that a stalker, an obsessive fan, would pass up the opportunity to be with her. The thought sort of relieves her. Though the initial question remains—who’s behind all of this? Why are they being mysterious and unreliable?
Jhoanna closes her eyes and covers her face with the cardigan she’d brought downstairs. “Ngayong gabi pa talaga.” She groans to herself. Something like this just had to happen on Christmas Eve. Might as well go back and enjoy the rest of the pizza she and her ex bandmates had ordered last night. It might be a tiny bit awkward, though, going back past the reception, where the man and woman from before were still alone, sending her looks every now and then, with no potential customer—distraction—in sight. “Oh well, wala naman na ‘kong magagawa,” She rolls her eyes.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
God, what is it with random people randomly knocking on her door or calling her today? Don’t they have stuff to do? They’re supposed to be preparing Christmas dinners. Roasting turkeys. Or– whatever.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Jhoanna plops back down into the chair and reaches into her pocket. By the time she's pressed the answer button, it’s too late, though.
Call ended.
A frustrated sigh leaves her mouth. She’s about to angrily shove the phone back into its place when she sees a notification appear at the top of her screen.
Aiah.
jho, san ka? andito na kami sa room mo
A fluttering, racing heart. That’s what a simple message from Aiah does to her now. And, well, she should probably get used to it. It’s not like what she feels is a fleeting crush that is going to leave in a couple of days. She texts back in a hurry as she walks towards the elevators.
okii, papunta na ^^
The device almost falls out of her hands a few times, making her look clumsier to everyone around than she actually is, but—the things we do for love.
The elevator ride takes a few seconds. Her heart is a mess by the time she’s in front of her room. She knows Aiah said we, which means the others will be there, so she won’t get any alone time with her, but Aiah will be there.
Aiah, Aiah, Aiah.
“Aiah,” she breathes out.
And gets a reply. “Yeah, ako ‘yon.”
Oh, her damn smile. “Huy, uhm–” As far as she remembers, she never knocked. “Pa’no mo alam na andito na ako?” she asks, not daring to look at that pretty face as she walks past her love into the room.
“Intuition,” Aiah answers mysteriously.
“Talaga ba—” Whoa. Okay. She’s just taken a look around the room and–
“Wow. Aiah, pa’no—” Where have all the decorations come from? Where has her power of speech wandered off to? How and when was a Christmas tree set up in here?
There’s no answer, just a smile. It’s not any less mysterious than the words spoken before.
A speechless Jhoanna makes her way to the bed which, she only realizes now as she gets closer to inspect everything further, is illuminated by tiny fairy lights installed all around the bed frame. It’s so breathtaking that her whole idea of sitting down to try and wrap her head around this sounds better than just a second ago. Shaking her head, she manages to gasp, “Oh, my God.”
The fairy lights are not the only surprise that has very obviously been waiting for her. No, there are several presents under the tree, real or not she doesn’t know, as well as little angels and Santas on top of all the cabinets. Various other surfaces are decorated with candles. They’re most likely scented.
Jhoanna feels all warm. It’s lovely. Everything is. Especially the tree, though; with its tiny golden figures hanging off the branches, its shiny red Christmas tree balls, its blue star at the very top. Someone really did think about this long and hard, someone knew what colors she loved and appreciated.
Aiah takes a step towards her, and as Jhoanna turns her head from the tree to look up to meet the brown eyed woman’s gaze, she sees the worry written all over the pretty face in front of her. Before she can react to her own observations, however, she feels Aiah sink into the mattress by the edge of the bed, next to where she’s already sitting. A cold hand meets her own.
“Uy, Jho, okay ka lang?”
Jhoanna hesitates. Should she risk explaining herself? Getting lost in an ocean of deep beautiful brown?
“Tahimik mo. Umiiyak ka pa,” Damn. Jhoanna didn’t mean to cry. The beauty has just overwhelmed her. And now the tone of voice that Aiah is using meets her ears and feels like a punch in the face.
“Hindi mo ba gusto?” It’s so sad. But it’s Christmas. We shouldn’t be sad.
With a newfound confidence, Jhoanna looks up at Aiah. She takes her hand, really wraps it in hers, squeezes it, then lets go of it again to gently place her fingers on the woman’s chin.
“Aiah,” she whispers, “I love it.”
A skeptical look. “Sure ka ba? Bakit ka umiya—“
“Tears of joy.” It was her. It was all her. It has to be her. It’s her. Aiah, Aiah, Aiah.
She has to make sure.
“Ikaw ‘yun, ‘no?” The intensity of their shared look almost makes her crumble; she almost gives in to the need to take her eyes off of the beauty, but she resists. She has to know. She has to be sure Aiah feels it, too.
And she’s so close to knowing. She’s so close to making Aiah hers. One more step before she can be one hundred percent certain. It’s Christmas, so she has to–
“‘Yung letter, ‘yung reception thing.” A gesture around the room. To the tree, the so neatly decorated tree. Then to the fairy lights. And she never does break the intimate connection between their eyes. Much like the fact that Aiah has gone through so much trouble—just imagine having to convince the staff of a hotel to let you set up a tree in a room—for her. Only for her.
“Ikaw may gawa lahat nang ‘yon. At ginawa mo para sa’kin,”
It all adds up. Like a math equation. It all adds up to one thing.
Love.
And seeing Aiah’s cheeks flush as the tension gets more and more palpable is one half of the confirmation she so desperately wants. But she has to hear it, too. In her mind, it’s clicked, everything’s set in place, she just wants to hear it now. Needs to hear it. It’s all that is left.
“Kinumbinsi mo sila na dalhin ako dito sa Berlin. And inakala ko na sila talaga ‘yung may pakana. Pero alam kong ikaw ‘yun, Aiah.”
How is she going to explain that she just knew?
“Naramdaman ko. It’s you, Aiah.”
If she’s still referring to the trip with that last part, she’s not sure.
She can feel that Aiah wants to look down, she can see the woman is embarrassed about having been caught, but something is holding her back. Something is telling her not to break it. Not now. Not when they’re here. There’s no turning back. Jhoanna knows, and she knows Aiah knows, too. It’s now or never.
She gently caresses a trembling chin as she closes the distance between them.
“Mahal mo ako,” she states with a raspy voice.
Aiah doesn’t reply right away.
Jhoanna waits, then, with her face only inches from her love’s, a face covered in lights as stunning as the face itself. Her eyes are pleading now, begging for Aiah to cross the line, to make the final move. To confess.
Then, finally, after what feels like an eternity of waiting, of begging, of almost breaking under the tension their connection is creating, it happens.
“I do.”
But it’s still not enough. She’s waited so long, it has to be more.
“Sabihin mo sa’kin.”
Aiah knows what she means. Instantly.
“I love you, Jhoanna.”
The kiss that follows not even a second later is what Jhoanna imagines pure bliss to feel like. Their lips meet in a hungry embrace, and Aiah feels like a warm summer breeze, but she also feels like a snowstorm that you sit out in front of the fire, cuddling, and she feels like everything Jhoanna has ever dreamed of but never expected to actually have with anyone.
And, well, Jhoanna thinks she knows what it is that makes her feel so blissful—Aiah feels like home. She feels like the home Jhoanna has been looking for in places, not thinking you could find home in people. But here Aiah is, surprising her, confirming that yes, it’s true and it’s possible, and it’s happening to her, to them.
Aiah’s kiss is perfect. It is so perfect, in fact, that for a moment, Jhoanna isn’t sure if it’s real or not, but then Aiah assures her that it is real, that she has nothing to be afraid of. She tells her, smiling, “Sobrang tagal na kitang mahal, Jho. I needed to tell you na agad.”
Jhoanna smiles back, loving the feeling of her fingers still on Aiah’s soft cheek.
“God, Aiah, hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na ginawa mo lahat nang ‘to para sa’kin. Everything about you is so, so beautiful. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Jho. More than anything. Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas.”
The kiss they share is initiated by Aiah, and Jhoanna lets herself drown in it. It’s soft, very soft, but it’s also intense. More intense than the intimate looks they’ve shared, and Jhoanna loves the way their lips fit together, she loves that they seem to be made for each other. She loves kissing Aiah, she loves being with Aiah, she loves Aiah. But, most importantly, she loves having found a home within her love.
Later that night, as the snow that Jhoanna had waited all her life to see on Christmas begins to cover the chairs on the balcony, they touch each other for the first time in a way that only lovers do; and they whisper sweet nothings into each other’s ears, and they repeat love confessions over and over and over again until they can no longer speak, and Jhoanna cannot make herself stop thinking about how much she has missed being home.
Aiah is her home. And Jhoanna loves being home. It makes her happy.
Aiah makes her happy, and she is sure that that isn’t going to change for a long, long time. She’s sure that a lot of Christmases are to follow.
She knows.