Chapter Text
The smell of freshly baked bread often drifted into his studio from the bakery a few doors down.
If he were being honest, he’d loved the scent as long as he could remember. He’d say it reminded him of home and coming back to his kids after a long day. That it brought images of smiling faces, warm hugs and unconditional love to his mind, even on the worst of days. A freshly baked loaf of bread could heal his hurts like nothing else.
If he were being less honest, he’d say it was a nice smell but would shut the studio door so it wouldn’t make them all hungry or be a distraction from the intricate lines he was tasked with marking.
He was more often being less honest. He had a job to do here after all. The sounds of distant buzzing pulled him back to the task at hand.
After the stencil ink had dried on his current client, and he had confirmed that the placement was exactly what they wanted, he prepped the supplies he’d need for this piece and finally began on the first line of the tattoo.
This particular design was part of the flash sheets he offered, a simple but swirling crow design. All his flash designs were made to offer a bit of his style while being smaller and cheaper options for those who still wanted a design from him, but couldn’t always afford his large pieces. Since he had done this particular design so many times, it seemed to be a favorite, he didn’t feel too bad about letting his mind wander a bit.
Both the kid’s birthdays were coming up soon, gods they were getting so old now. They were almost 12 now, it felt like he just brought them home yesterday but it's already been 7 years since he adopted them. They were still so young, but they were both starting to gain interests more than just the random show marketed at kids. Chayanne was starting to get interested in cooking, wanting them to try a million different recipes when he helped cook dinner. The kid loved trying different ingredients and seeing what he could combine and make new foods. He got a sparkle in his eye each time Phil suggested they try a new restaurant while they were out. Lullah was getting better and better at her flute and was starting to get into other instruments as well. She had her favorites of course, but one of her new interests was the guitar. She said it reminded her of her past, though how she could remember that when she was so young, he didn’t know.
Maybe he could look into getting each of them lessons or something for their birthdays? Cooking lessons for Chayanne and guitar lessons for Lullah? He’d have to look into it further to see what people offered in town, or if there was anyone who offered lessons in the first place.
A cough from somewhere in the room reminded him that he was at work, and that he really should be paying close attention.
He focused back on the task at hand, making sure it was correct and he hadn’t just zoned out so hard he ruined the permanent marks he was making on his client. He finished up the last bit of it, wiped it off and cleaned all the extra ink off before leaning back to let his client look at the finished piece. He gave them a second and spoke. “All done, mate! How’s it look? Anything need fixing or touched up again?”
“It looks amazing! Thanks so much Phil!” They smile and enthusiastically thank him, take a few photos and finish paying at the front with Baghera.
Phil turns back to his station and begins the process of cleaning up everything from the session.
“Hey man, you’re getting a lot of repeats of that one huh?” Cellbit says as he wanders over to Phil, probably taking a break from the bookkeeping in the office.
“Yeah, not sure why though, it's probably the simplest one.” Phil shrugs, he genuinely doesn’t know why that particular design is so popular with his clients but it always gets the most likes when he posts it on his social media and the most pics in the shop on flash days.
“You all done for the day?” Cellbit asks, glancing at his watch, “I know you gotta leave soon to get the kids.”
“Ah yeah, gonna head out once I’m done cleaning. Need me to grab Richas too? Or is one of the others getting him today?” Phil always offers to pick up the other members' kids since they all attend the same school, just in case their other parents can’t get them.
“Nah, I think Pac is getting him and going over to Fit’s so ‘the kids can hang out.'" He puts air quotes on that part and wiggles his eyebrows. They both know it's only half the reason Pac picks Richas up so often, the other being to visit his not-yet-boyfriend-but-definitely-more-than-friend Fit.
“Got it, does anyone else need their kid yoinked from the school?” Phil shouts, and once he gets all no’s in response, he heads out for the day with a quick goodbye and a wave.
He walks down the street to his car, an older model but still cool looking with a matte black exterior and shiny accents of silver. It’s been with him since he dropped out of college to start apprenticing at a shop in the next city over, and has never failed him.
The kids at Chayanne and Lullah’s school all seem to get excited when they see it, “ooh” -ing and “ahh” -ing as they wait for their own parents to pick them up. Phil smiled, enjoying the attention when he’d put so much work into keeping his car working perfectly, while also looking cool.
He was the cool dad.
Yep.
His kids spotted him from where they were waiting outside with Richas, Bobby, Ramon and Empanada, running over to greet him after saying goodbye to their friends. Both of them stopped right at the curb, doing a quick game of rock, paper, scissors to decide who got to ride shotgun, though they tied the first few tries, ultimately Lullah won (though Phil thinks Chayanne might’ve let her) and they both climbed into their respective seats.
“Hi dad!” “Hola Papa!” they said at the same time, turning identical grins towards him once they were situated.
“Hi kids, how was school?”
“Mostly boring, Mr. Quackity kept going off on random tangents again, but I got to practice with a guitar in music today!” Lullah says as she adjusts her backpack in her lap.
“My class got to play dodgeball in P.E., my team won of course” Chayanne is still grinning but lifts his chin proudly now too.
Phil just laughs and smiles back at them before carefully pulling out of the pick up line and starting their drive home. The kids give him more random details of their day and he offers details of his own when they ask.
After about 10 minutes of driving through the city, they reach their home in a neighborhood at the edge of the city. It’s a quiet area and people generally keep to themselves, just how Phil likes it. He parks in the driveway and they all gather their things and head to the front door, the kids waiting for Phil to unlock it so they can hurry and greet their pets after a long eight hours away.
They live in a medium sized, single storey home with a large backyard. The front door opens into the front room that they use as the living room, with a large plush sectional against one wall with the entertainment center opposite to it. There is a sturdy coffee table in the center of the room and bookshelves full of books and decor line the other wall. The kids go down the hall to the right of the living room towards the bedrooms to drop their things off. Phil turns right as he enters behind them to drop his work bag off in the office, then follows them down the hall to his own room so he can change clothes.
He hears the kids heading back around to the backyard and peeks through the curtains covering the sliding door at the back of his room to see them in their sunroom feeding the turtle and the birds. Once he’s comfortable in a tshirt and loose sweatpants, he joins them outside to refill the birdbath and feeders they keep for the crows, then he heads to the kitchen to figure out what they are going to eat for the night.
Phil rummages through the fridge, checking what meats they had on hand to see if they needed to run to the store, and decides on two options that he’ll let the kids pick between. One they would need to make a quick trip for and the other they had the ingredients for already. While he waited for the kids to play with their pets for a while, he began cleaning up the kitchen from breakfast, then grabbed three clean glasses and poured them each a glass of water.
The kids came back inside at the same time that Avocado, their maine coon and ragdoll mix cat, came around the corner into the kitchen from wherever she’d been hiding. She immediately walks over to Phil and begins winding around his legs so he finishes his sip of water and scoops her up to give her the attention she apparently desperately wanted.
“Hello girl, have you missed us today?” He coos at her, rubbing his nose against her head and getting a soft “Mrow” in response. “Yeah, I thought so.”
Chayanne and Lullah are both gulping down their waters, as if they were racing to finish them, and Phil just watches as both of them finish at the same time, both out of breath. “Really you two?”
He just gets identical shit-eating grins in response and sighs, “Ava, what will we do with them?”
The cat in question stares back at him and replies with another quiet meow before jumping out of Phils arms and leaving the room. He chuckles and looks back to the kids, still smiling.
“Ok, we have two options for dinner kids,” he holds up a finger for the first option, “we can make steak and jacket potatoes, but we’d have to go to the store for a few ingredients.”
He then holds up a second finger, “Or we can have taco soup and not have to go to the store. Which do you guys want?”
“Soup!” was shouted by both of them at the same time, Chayanne starting to jump up and down excitedly while Lullah just smiled toothily.
“Can I help dad?” Chayanne asked a moment later, “I can almost do it all on my own now!”
Phil smiled and nodded, knowing how skilled his son had become with cooking recently and wanting to encourage practice. “Of course kiddo, how about, this time, I just keep an eye on you and you can do as much of it as you know how on your own?”
He watched the kid’s eyes widen to saucers, much like Avocado’s when she's playing, and he whispers “really?”
“Yep! I’ll make some cornbread to go with and help if you need it.”
Chayanne fist pumps excitedly while Lullah has been watching the whole exchange with a soft smile, enjoying seeing her brother excited. She giggles and addresses both of them, “Have fun, I’m going to start on my homework in the living room. Can I put on music, papa?”
“Of course, you can use headphones too if we are being too loud.”
She smiles and turns to go gather her homework and get started. Phil watches her go until she turns the corner, then turns to Chayanne and gives his hair a ruffle, laughing when his son grumbles about it. “Let’s get started kid.”
They make quick work of gathering the ingredients, they've made this enough times that they both remember all that goes into it, the only extra things that Phil grabs are the mix they like for cornbread and the pan to bake it in.
He gets Chayanne set up at the table with a knife, cutting board, and the two ingredients that needed to be chopped, an onion and a poblano pepper. They had gone over knife safety many times so Chayanne knew what he was doing, Phil let him go for it on his own while keeping an eye out and reminding him of how small of pieces they were aiming for.
After everything was chopped, Chayanne got their biggest pot out and poured a bit of olive oil before turning the burner on. He let it heat for a minute before adding the pepper and onion he had just chopped to the pan and cooking it for a few minutes.
Once the onions were translucent, Phil opened the package of ground beef they had and dumped it into the pot as well while Chayanne grabbed a different utensil to break up the meat. While he kept an eye on that, moving the meat around to make sure it didn’t burn, Phil started the oven and began mixing up the cornbread batter. Once it was mixed, Phil grabbed the pan he’d pulled out, a fun cast iron pan that had skull shaped sections, and poured the batter into the sections and put it in the oven.
By the time Phil was done, the ground beef was ready so Chayanne turned the burner down and added the spices before he began opening the cans of pinto beans, black beans, corn, diced tomatoes and tomato sauce. Phil helps him rinse the beans and corn, then they add everything into the pot along with beef broth and leave it to boil.
“Alright, that should be good to go for now, I’ll watch the pot so you go start on your homework with Lullah.” Phil knows he needs to remind him or the kid will be in the kitchen all night trying to help cook. He really needs to look into cooking classes for him, he just knows that he’d be an amazing chef if that's what he wanted to do in the future.
Chayanne looks reluctant but nods and goes to his room to gather his homework before returning to the living room to sit beside his sister to get started.
About half an hour later, the food is all ready and the kids have finished their homework. Phil calls them to the kitchen and they serve themselves, Phil and Chayanne topping their soup with plenty of cheese and avocado, while Lullah adds a bit of cheese to hers. They all sit at the table and start eating, talking about upcoming events or plans for the kids' birthdays, all happy to just enjoy each other's company.
They work together to clean up after dinner, then the kids take turns showering and getting ready for bed. Phil takes a moment for himself to just chill in the living room. His mind wanders to what he wants to pick up for everyone for breakfast tomorrow at the shop. Before long, the kids wander back into the living room and sit down on either side of him, both burrowing their way under the arm on their respective side until he's holding both of them almost in his lap. They watch an episode of the kids favorite show together and then all head to bed with hugs and kisses goodnight.
The shop Phil works at is located on their city's Main Street, so they’re surrounded by other shops, cafes, boutiques and restaurants. Phil’s favorite neighbor of theirs though, is the cafe and bakery just a few doors down, called “Quesadilla Panaderia.” The rhyme in the name is what got him first, made him snort when walking into work the day the sign was put up. Once they opened, Phil decided to check it out and bring some snacks in for everyone at the shop. It was an instant hit with everyone in the shop and they now regularly took turns bringing in a box of treats every Friday.
Today, as Phil walked past on his way from parking his car, he noticed police cars out front. At first he thought maybe they were just getting their fix of the delicious breads and treats that the bakery offered, but as he got closer, he noticed the front window was smashed.
He walked up to the entrance, curiosity getting the better of him, and did a double take as he saw that the inside looked ransacked. Glass littered the floor by the entrance and various tables and chairs were thrown around the seating area they had. The display cases had been cracked but held firm since they were plastic instead of glass, they were full of delicious looking pastries as usual, as if nothing else had happened.
Phil saw employees still helping customers at the display case and register. He assumed the lengthy conversations occurring during each transaction was the employees trying to explain to the curious customers what had happened.
Over in the corner by the broken window, one man was talking with the police. He ‘d never seen or met the owner, but he could guess that in this situation, they’d be the one giving the police a report of what happened.
The man in the corner was fairly tall, taller than Phil at least, had fluffy, medium length black hair and enough nervous energy to fill a ballroom. Even though he was dressed in warm looking clothes (too warm for the season in Phil’s opinion), Phil could see his hands shaking as he described what happened for the report.
He felt bad for the man, and curious beyond belief about what had occurred for the little bakery to end up the way it had. He fought the urge to wait for the man to be done so he could pester him about the story, ultimately winning against the voice in his head demanding more details.
He was afraid of stressing the man out on an already stressful day, so he just got a bag of different pastries, left a very generous tip, and headed out quietly.
On his short walk the rest of the way to his own shop, he thought of the nervous man and his damaged shop, and decided he wanted to do something to help, this city takes care of their own after all. Especially the shops on main street.
He had an idea, but needed to check with the others at the shop to see if it was feasible first, and if it wasn’t too strange for them to help out of the blue. The bakery hadn’t even been open that long, only a few months.
He walked into his own shop and set down the bag of pastries. Since they didn't open for another few hours, Foolish, Etoiles, Cellbit and Baghera were all just sitting around in the various chairs and couches they had at the entrance and chatting. Etoiles had looked up when Phil came in and after he set down his stuff and joined them, he greeted him. “Hello my friend! How are you doing today?”
“I’m ok man. How are you?” Phil gave him a small smile, it was still pretty early after all.
“I am great! I am ready to fuck up this day!” Etoiles grinned, “I have some really really cool pieces today and I'm so ready for them.”
“Nice man!” Phil laughed at the phrasing but knew Etoiles was just excited to get these pieces onto his clients, knowing they’d be happy with them. People didn’t usually go to Etoiles unless they wanted his specific style of geometric and cyber art. He really had a knack for them and was amazing at it, all of his pieces were so badass and they blew Phil away every time.
“Dude that dragon one is going to turn out sick as fuck.” Cellbit says from his spot on the couch across from Phil. “I think the purple and black is gonna turn out amazing”
They all join in, complimenting one another's upcoming pieces, offering advice and criticism when wanted, and Phil is reminded again why he loves this profession so much. It’s not just getting his art out there and making clients happy, it's sharing a creative space with other really talented artists and having people who understand the struggles and can offer ideas and help when one of them gets stuck on an idea.
At some point Jaiden and Charlie arrive too and everyone takes time to catch up. It’s been a while since they've all been in the shop at the same time, so Phil just waits for the right moment.
“So, did you all see what happened to Que Pan this morning?”
“Yeah, windows all smashed in and stuff. That sucks.” Foolish says quietly, “Do they know anything yet?”
“I’m not sure, didn’t want to bother the owner while he was talking to the police. He looked super nervous and shaky already.” Phil is rubbing the back of his neck lightly, all too aware of his own nerves now. “I actually had an idea to help them out if you guys are willing.”
A chorus of yes’s echo back at him immediately and he can't help the fond sigh that escapes him. “Yeah I figured you’d all agree. I’ll lay it out then we can discuss what would work and what won’t." Another round of agreements and eagerly nodding heads follows.
“Ok. I thought we could do a flash sale or a fundraiser for them. We don’t have to advertise it as that, so we could surprise them if we wanted. We could do big discounts and then at the end of the day, donate what we got to Que Pan to help pay for the window at least?”
“OOOH that is such a good idea Phil!” Baghera shouts.
“Plus having a discount day always brings in new clients so we’d be building business too” Cellbit has his planning face on, probably working out the best price range for them to advertise.
“And we can always tell people what it’s for if they ask, and help direct people to go visit them as well. I was thinking we could just keep our tips for that day and donate everything else if that works for you guys?” Of course, Phil would help make it up if anyone needed the funds for their own wellbeing.
“Yeah, let's do it!” Foolish grins.
“No one messes with our neighbors, not if we have any say about it.” Etoiles pipes in, face serious. Phil knows that any and all of them would happily throw down if someone came after anyone on their street.
“I think a surprise would be fun! I’d be down to give them tat’s of their own too if people wanted.” Charlie suggested. Hmm, that could be good too, help build more of a relationship with the newest shop in the Main Street strip.
“Maybe we offer them that in person but do the fundraising secretly? That way we can surprise them double?” Cellbit seemed to really be getting into this. “I know at least one of them was wanting to come get something from us when I talked to him last Friday.”
Oh? Cellbit had been talking about one of the workers at Que Pan a lot lately, Roier if Phil remembers right. Phil caught his eye and gave him a wink, which in turn made Cellbit’s face go pink.
Maybe this could really work, it would at least give them a chance to meet everyone and mingle a bit. (Phil had been meaning to go in sometime to meet all the workers there, he just never seemed to have enough time in the morning.)
“Alright, let's work out the plan and we can all go over this afternoon to introduce ourselves and let them know about the free tattoos for their staff?” Phil phrased it as a question but since he knew everyone was already on board, it was more of a request for them to continue talking about it.
They talked over the logistics and sorted out the specifics of the two day’s they’d be reserving for the plans so everyone was clear before starting their day as usual around 11 am.
Clients filter in and out throughout the morning and early afternoon, Phil didn’t have anyone booked today so he just helped out with the front, making sure paperwork was filled out correctly, and helping set up or tear down stations as people needed.
It was a pretty chill day altogether, so Phil spent his downtime imagining the reactions of the Que Pan staff when they told them about their plans, wondering if they’d be excited or think it was weird.
The traitorous little voice in his head kept piping in to say that it’d come off as creepy for a well established shop to donate so much to the new shop on the street.
It’s not that weird. It’ll show them that the people on this street take care of one another.
How is it not weird to give someone money out of nowhere? What if they think we are trying to get them in our debt or something? You’d be suspicious if someone gave you money out of nowhere.
Shut. We aren’t talking about me right now. I just … I don’t want them to get stuck trying to pay for the repairs and not be able to take care of their staff or have to close. We like their food too much to let them close because of that.
Whatever you say bird brain.
They close the shop around 3pm, and as a group head over to Quesadilla Panaderia for a quick lunch with a holler of “Dad’s treating us to lunch!” from Baghera as she gives Phil a shit eating grin. He just sighs as a reply since it had been his plan to pay for everyone today anyway.
Really he should just accept his fate as the shop-dad at this point.
As they get to the entrance of the bakery/ cafe, they see that the window now has two large pieces of plywood covering it, and almost all of the glass outside has been swept away neatly.
Cellbit leads them inside with Phil right behind him, and once inside, Phil looks all over to see the state of things after he’d left this morning. Almost all of the damage has been cleaned up or covered so only the slightest remnants are left to show that things had been damaged at all. Phil was surprised they had managed to get everything cleaned up and set back to normal so quickly while also having a normal and busy day of business.
“Ayy, Gatinho! Welcome back! Brought your friends this time?” Phil looks back over to the front as he hears someone holler at them from behind the counter. The guy was around the same height as himself and had a grin on his face as he moved from behind the counter. He had dark hair that was cut short in a stylish way and noticeably thick eyebrows that helped make his expressions as equally animated as they were varied. As the guy made his way over, Phil glanced sideways at Cellbit just in time to see the soft affectionate smile slide off his face and get replaced by a friendly grin and ah, this must be Roier. There is definitely something going on here, Phil thinks.
“Hey Guapito, yeah! We wanted to come all together and introduce everyone since we were all here today. Do you guys have a second?” Cellbit replies, giving the guy one of those quick ‘bro’ hugs.
“Yeah, give us a minute to finish up those orders that came in before you guys and I’ll get everyone. I need to see if Missa is finally off the phone anyways.” He laughs a little as he says it and Phil sees that dopey grin is back on Cellbits face. He doesn’t even think his friend has noticed it himself yet.
Their little group all take seats at the couch and loveseats that occupy a corner of the seating area and talk amongst themselves as they wait.
Phil finds himself wondering who Missa is, since it's not a name he’d ever heard when picking up their weekly treats. Maybe a new employee? Or someone who only worked part time? Surely he would’ve noticed someone with that on their name tag with how many times he’s come in over the last few months since they opened.
While Phil was distracting himself with trying to figure out who this person is, Roier had walked back behind the counter, to the kitchen, grabbed all their staff’s attention and made it back over to the group of them waiting.
“Alright, This is everyone here today, we are just missing Tina.” Roier says once they are all gathered, bringing Phil’s attention back to the people in front of him. He looks up and sees a lot of familiar faces; Bagi, Niki, and Max, and he knew Tina from another job she had in town before this. The only unfamiliar face was the tall, dark haired man Phil had seen nervously filing a police report this morning.
Ah, this must be Missa, he thought. I'm glad he's calmed down since this morning. The guy was staring at his tattoos, gaze slowly moving over each of Phils arms individually with a look of awe on his face.. It felt a bit uncomfortable to be looked at so closely and with so much interest, so Phil cleared his throat lightly, trying to catch his attention and pull it gently away from his own arms.
It seemed to work but he felt like he might’ve embarrassed the guy by subtly calling him out, because he got a ‘deer-in-the-headlights’ look before quickly looking down for a moment then looking back up at anyone other than Phil.
Phil watched for a moment longer before he actually said anything, the guy did look significantly calmer than when Phil had seen him from afar this morning, but he still looked nervous. Let's see if we can fix that.
“Hi there! I’m Phil, the owner of Bolas tattoo just a few doors down.” Phil stuck out his tattooed hand, “We haven't really come to introduce ourselves yet, so we thought since we were all working today, we might as well take care of that.”
The man, Missa, lightly takes his offered hand and smiles softly at Phil before saying “Hola, My name’s Missa, nice to meet you.” And oh no. Phil was immediately enraptured by his smooth and accented voice. His voice was like honey in Phil’s ears, soft, rich and sweet. All he could do was blankly stare for a moment before seeing Missa sheepishly look off to one side and release his hand with a light but awkward laugh.
“Sorry! I got lost in thought for a second.” Fuck. Recover it Phil! “I was just thinking of how much we all love your pastries and how dumb it was that we hadn’t come to introduce ourselves yet.” Nice save dumbass.
“Oh. haha, yeah everyone else talks about you guys all the time. I have heard so much about how nice you all are and how cool your tattoos are.” Missa is smiling again, but a real grin this time, and Phil thinks he might melt right there. “Seeing them in person, I’d have to agree.”
Phil felt his face heat up slightly, he was always embarrassed receiving compliments, especially about his looks. He rubbed his arms with the opposite hands, scrubbing over the immense amounts of ink on each one. He loved his tattoos, especially the ones he designed himself, but he was always surprised when other people took notice of them.
“Oh, ah, thanks mate. I’m glad you all think they’re cool. That's actually related to the other reason we came here today,” Phil looks away quickly, raising his voice a little so the whole group can hear him, “We wanted to offer you guys each a free tattoo, both as a nice to meet you and as a little offer of support for what happened this morning.”
Missa looks dumbstruck, processing all that Phil just said. The others are quicker to catch on and begin voicing their acceptance of the offer. Phil just waited, watching Missa, until the other man found his words again.
“That's… so nice of you guys. Thank you.” He finally said. “I’ll have to get back to you on that but I'm sure the rest of them are excited based on how much they talk about you guys.”
“If you decide you want one, the offer is open, just give me a heads up and we will figure it out.” Phil didn’t see any obvious tattoos on the other man so maybe he was not into them? Whatever, if he wanted one they’d be happy to give him one, if he didn’t then oh well. “Now that that's out of the way, we did plan on ordering some food if you guys are good with that.”
“Oh! Yes! Of course!” Missa scrambles to get up and get everyone back to work, and Phil can't help but think about how happy he is that this went smoothly and that he didn’t come off as creepy.
After they all get their food and are happily eating and chatting amongst themselves and whoever is on break from Que Pan at the time, Phil is much more comfortable with the idea of secretly raising money for them. (Totally not so he can, hopefully, see Missa’s eyes light up like that again.)
Before they leave, Phil makes sure they have the number to the shop and his own phone number in case they need anything.
The rest of the day is blissfully quiet as they each work on a new design or with a client, so Phil leaves a few hours later to go pick up the kids around 6pm.
They usually go over to Fit’s at least once a week since the other man closes his gym earlier than the shop closes and the kids get to hang out with Ramon (and usually Richas) until Phil is done.
As he leaves the shop and walks down Main street, he glances in through the clear doors of the Quesadilla Panaderia; they would be closed soon if they hadn’t already, so he wasn’t expecting to see anyone inside.
He was surprised to see Missa sitting at one of the tables, and even more surprised when he got closer and noticed the other man’s shoulders shaking slightly, like he was crying.
A sudden wave of protectiveness washed over Phil unbidden and before he even knows it's happening, he’s pulling the door open and stepping into the bakery.
Missa looks up at the sound of movement, locks eyes with Phil, and can't help the shuddering sob that escapes him.