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The silence felt so loud. Atsushi had never felt the silence reverberate through his head as loud as it did. He didn’t know exactly why he could hear it when he usually knew how to block it out, the sound of the wind flowing through his dorm.
Kyouka was out for the evening, leaving him to sit and be alone with his thoughts. Maybe he was just tired and the fact he had time to think made his head spin but for some reason, he could feel everything. The lack of his monologue in his head, feeling his pulse slowly beating and the wind moving behind the window.
Maybe it wasn’t real. The world felt so evil, as if it was out to get him so maybe he had made it up. The theory didn’t feel right. Atsushi didn’t want to cry, he didn’t even feel sad. As he sat on the floor of his dorm the room felt so big that if he tried to fill it he wouldn’t even know what to do with it. Technically, the dorm was his but he shared it with Kyouka and before she came along there really wasn’t anything in the room. When she got comfortable slowly it started to fill with small trinkets, things she found interesting but Atsushi didn’t get attached to objects.
It was probably that old abuse drilling into his head but he just didn’t feel attachment to objects. He didn’t feel worthy of having wants. If he wanted something he knew he would lose it at some point. While people had a means to protect themselves, using their adrenaline and skills to survive, objects didn’t. Objects would never feel adrenaline and would never keep themselves safe, they sat quietly in a room where they were placed and didn't move so he never felt comfortable getting attached to something like that.
His own thoughts felt so loud in his own mind but when he tried to hear them, it was met with silence. The silence felt so suffocating, the sound of free winds passing by him without a care in the world. At first, he could feel his feet moving and before he knew it, he was out the door. He didn’t know where he was being led, his path being one that his mind wouldn’t choose.
Instinct took over, leading the boy around and around. The city looked so different at night with the streets still busy but also everyone looked more exhausted. He could feel the exhaustion in their posture, how they carried themselves made his back hurt. He hated being able to feel all this but at the same time he knew he could feel it, it was his mind playing cruel jokes on him.
Walking forward, time passed quickly to him. The tiger felt as if he was moving in slow motion, seeing how the stars never moved but instead rested in the sky. He didn’t feel envious, the silence carving out where his jealousy would be and instead replacing it with an empty feeling.
Atsushi felt so hollow. He had been through so many things, near-death experiences, seeing others lose people close to them and even losing people close to himself. It all felt so unreal, as if it was made believe. He knew it was real. He would never see those people that he cherished so closely ever again and yet when he thought about it, it all felt like some cruel joke that the world liked to play on him.
The world is such a jokester he likes to say.
The sun peeked over the horizon and Atsushi felt the breeze wake him from his trance. He stood on a building, the ground taunting him like a middle schooler would to someone who they believed would fall for it. He stared back down at the ground and felt a desire burn in his chest.
He wouldn’t do it. He knew that he would never physically do it. The desire clawed at his stomach and made him contemplate it but deep down he knew that fear still rooted itself into his mind and that if he died now then how would he save people? If he didn’t want to live then why would he go out on his terms when he could die trying?
The silence was loud.
It felt so suffocating.
Maybe this was all he was useful for.
“You’re quite a pain when you go missing weretiger.”
A small voice he could physically hear. The wind wasn’t playing a joke and it was obvious that the comment was directed at him, but he really couldn’t give himself enough time of day to care.
He slowly turned away from the ledge of the building to see a man cloaked in black, his eyes shallow with pain and a look of relief (?) on his face. He couldn’t even tell anymore because that silence that suffocated him felt as if it was wrapping around his stomach and squeezing, making him want to sob from the pain.
“The Agency noticed you went missing an hour ago and Dazai-san sent me a message to come find you. I didn’t expect you would be up here, I assumed you would be in a fight of some kind.”
Atsushi was still quiet. When was the last time he had been this quiet? Since when did he push out the silence he used to adore when he was a small child? Was it when he finally gained a reason to live or was it when he realized that reason was to protect others from the horrors he’s seen himself?
“I was admiring the city.” His voice sounded so hollow as if the tiger had suddenly abandoned him and disappeared. The confidence he had in battle was washed away and hidden, the walls he had built as a child becoming coated with iron.
“Can you not do that from the ground and at a reasonable time? I only came here to collect you and nothing else so let us go weretiger.”
That nickname always felt so off. He wasn’t a were tiger, he had a name. A name that was granted to him and he held so close to his heart. It was one thing he was left with before being thrown into the deep end of life. His holy grail was covered up by this nickname that some only knew him by.
Right. He had to go back to the Agency.
Atsushi couldn’t feel the energy to open his mouth again. There was nothing in his mind besides the silence that coiled around him. He looked back out at the city. How long had he been out here? It felt like only a bit like he had taken a stroll in the night and opened his eyes for it to be early morning. It felt like his mind was betraying him by not informing him but he knew it was probably better.
He could feel Akutagawa’s impatience, the man could’ve been tapping his foot on the roof for all he knew but the light of the sun caught his eye.
The silence that followed still felt so loud, as if it wanted to suffocate him but he knew that no one would know. No one would check on the weretiger in a way where he didn’t feel like the biggest burden of their week. He let out an exhale before flinching at the feeling of a hand on his shoulder.
“Weretiger, I don’t have all day. If you’re not going to give me a reason to let you stay then I’m going to have to drag you back to Dazai-san.”
Okay. He could do that. He could put his mask back on for another day. He could be the Weretiger, strong and fearless and willing to help anyone. He could be Atsushi, a kind and caring person who just wants peace. He could never be who he felt like though. Too many people relied on those people alone and he would never want to feel like someone who had to rely heavily on another.
“Yeah let’s go.”
He began to walk. He didn’t know where but he could feel Akutagawa’s presence and just followed that. The stroll was quiet, Atsushi’s mind going to other places as they made their way back to the ADA dorms.
Before he even knew it, Akutagawa stopped walking and he immediately ran into him. It took him a second to put his mask back on, having enjoyed his time just going along with the breeze but as soon as his act was put on emotion filled his eyes.
“Ahh! I’m so sorry. I’ll watch where I’m going.”
The switch was almost immediately noticed by the cloaked man. It was so sudden from the dull look in Atsushi’s eyes to the now full of emotion ones. The change caught him off guard but he immediately addressed it, knowing that it would slip through his fingers before he could mention it again.
“What was that Jinko?”
“Hmm?”
That was all he got as a reply. It was pathetic but usually, it would work when talking to anyone besides Ranpo. Silence hung in the air. A heavy kind of silence that would weigh on someone’s chest enough to kill them.
Akutagawa turned around and continued to walk like nothing happened, which kind of broke the tiger's heart because he thought Aku was kind of cool.
They continued to walk In silence before they approached the ADA’s dorm rooms. The dorms looked more fixed up than they were before Atsushi came and around the stairs was a small group of people. Kyouka, Dazai, Kunikida and Kenji. He liked everyone in the crowd so it was fine. When he was spotted Kunikida was the first to run up to him, beginning to lecture him about not running off at night. Dazai managed to calm him down and distract him while Kouyka and Kenji made sure to comfort him.
His mask was back on and he knew it would stick like glue for a long time now.
When he looked back, Akutagawa was gone just as fast as he appeared. He felt a bit sad but didn’t say anything.
Did his heart warm a bit when a copy of a book he liked appeared at his dorm doorstep one night with Akutagawa note inside? Maybe a little.
Would he ever relive the night to see Akutagawa alive and speaking his name? Probably. He might’ve preferred to live that night over and over again with the same agony he felt instead of living in a reality where he was never remembered.
Maybe one day.
In another universe.