Chapter Text
Viktor isn’t sure when he wakes up. One minute he isn’t there, and the next he is, though he’s unsure where one started and the other ended. There is no end or beginning. He simply is.
Viktor can feel almost nothing, just cool air on his face. His mind is almost empty, struggling to remember anything at all. Slowly, he becomes aware that he’s encased in something, even though he can’t physically feel it. He remembers how to move, though, so he thinks about pushing forward and hears a loud squelch as he sees a strange purple arm stretch out in front of him, covered in slime. He repeats the process until four unnatural limbs are in front of him, and he tumbles to the ground. He holds his hands out, examining the newfound metal they’re made of. It’s the same as his leg used to be, but now it’s everywhere. It’s purple and laced with gold, and Viktor knows without a doubt that it’s the Hexcore that’s done this to him. But how? He turns around and sees a large square of what looks like jelly with a human sized chunk taken out of it. That must be where he was. But where is he now? What is he now?
He shakily gets on his feet and examines more of his body. It’s as he expected: all of it Hexcore, none of it with any feeling. It’s also missing some key parts that used to be there, but he can move freely, albeit a bit stiffly. He doubts he even needs his cane anymore, but he picks it up anyway out of habit. It feels wrong to walk without it. He shifts beyond looking at himself to the area around him; he’s in the lab. The cool lighting, the grey floors, the messy tables, and -
“Jayce?” His voice sounds almost foreign to him, now lilted with a strange metallic echo. The man in question bolts up from the desk he had been asleep at in front of Viktor. He’s bandaged and dirty, his hair a mess and a wild look in his eyes that shifts into relief when he sees him. There’s something at the back of Viktor’s mind that clicks; for a single second, he feels the need to sob. Then, it’s gone, and his mind is back to being as numb as the rest of his body.
“What am I?” He asks cautiously, a lick of fear creeping into his mind, glancing around the lab for answers. Jayce just keeps staring at him, taking in his new body, eyes flicking back and forth.
“Viktor! You’re alive!” He says, and sounds like he’s on the border of tears. Then, he’s up and has wrapped his arms around Viktor before he has the chance to react. Several things happen at once. First, he can feel. Not everything, but just where Jayce’s skin touches his own (if you can even call it skin). He can feel his hands on his back, his chin on his neck, his bare chest against his own. It’s so warm it’s almost like being on fire, but it’s the first thing to suggest that Viktor might still be human, so he wraps his arms around Jayce tentatively in return. As he suspected, he can feel his hands when he presses them to the naked stretch of Jayce’s back. It’s not just his body that can feel, though; there’s something that awakens in his mind, and for longer than the brief second before. There’s a tight feeling in his chest that borders between sadness and longing, and then warmth that isn’t physical at all. Visions flash before him: Jayce about to jump off the edge of the building, Jayce floating in midair, laughing and glowing brighter than the blue magic around him, Jayce asleep on the couch in their lab, Jayce speaking to the counsel in his ridiculous white and gold suit. Then Jayce pulls back and the memories and warmth both physical and mental retreat with him. Viktor almost leans forward to keep it, but the urge fades as Jayce’s touch does. He tries to hold on to the memories, the feeling, but his mind and body are numb again.
“You must be cold,” Jayce says, grabbing a blanket and throwing it over Viktor’s shoulders, even as he protests that he very much isn’t cold. Jayce doesn’t seem to notice.
“Jayce. What happened?” He finally manages, trying to recall anything from before he ended up here. He glances around the room to find his notes sprawled out, runes and drawings of the experiments he had conducted on his body open for all to see. For Jayce to see. Then, the noticeable lack of a Hexcore, and the memory of his own voice telling Jayce to destroy it, before - before they had gone to the council meeting.
“There was a bomb,” Jayce says shakily, wringing his hands, “and you were - you were so close to gone, V, I had to-”
“I was supposed to die,” Viktor realizes out loud, looking down at his body again. This thing, whatever it is, is unnatural. “You were supposed to destroy the Hexcore.” He looked back up at Jayce, who had guilt plastered across his face.
“No, I had to - you were right about its healing properties, and these runes, it saved you-” Jayce kept talking but Viktor stopped listening. He wandered over to the desk Jayce had been at, brushing his hands on the papers scattered about, settling on Sky’s journal. Another feeling returns to him: guilt. A sickening lurch in his abdomen, a reminder of why he had told Jayce to destroy the Hexcore.
“It killed Sky, Jayce,” Viktor says, looking back at Jayce and interrupting whatever he had been talking about. Jayce freezes at that. He didn’t know. Viktor had never told him. He’d meant to, after the council meeting. They hadn’t gotten that chance. Viktor begins to walk away from Jayce, wrapping the blanket around him. Even though he can’t feel it, there’s something comforting about the idea of being comforted.
“I should go,” he mutters, and moves towards the door, but he feels a hand on his shoulder and turns back around to see Jayce holding him back from leaving. Again, feeling returns to where Jayce’s skin touches his bare shoulder and the blanket has fallen down. His hand is warm, and the feeling spreads out slowly like molasses, moving up his neck.
“What? Why?” Jayce looks desperate, and with the physical feeling returning again, so do some other feelings, memories. The warm buzz of champagne. The excitement of finally solving an equation. The joy in Jayce’s eyes when they did it together. Viktor falters in his resolve.
“Jayce, I…” he trails off, the words clotting in his mouth. He should leave, he knows that. He isn’t whatever Jayce wanted to bring back. Hell, he isn’t sure he’s even human. And all of this, it’s his fault. He can’t atone for this.
“V, I’m sorry, but I couldn’t let you die. I just couldn’t.” Jayce’s face is now set with lines of determination and resolve. “I can’t stop you from leaving, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m sorry I disappointed you, but I’d do it a thousand times over again and you can’t change my mind.” Another feeling returns to Viktor. Confusion.
“Why?” Is all he can manage. It’s truly the only thought in his head. He was usually so good at solving equations, but the conundrum of Jayce Talis had never been clear to him, and this situation had only made it fuzzier.
“Because you’re my partner,” Jayce says, looking at him like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Because you’d do it for me.” Would he? Before, yes, he thinks so. But now, he’s being so overwhelmed by sensory input he no longer knows. He almost makes to leave again. Jayce said he wouldn’t stop him. It would be so easy. But the thrumming heat on his shoulder from where Jayce’s hand still lies presents an equation he can’t solve without him. What is he? Why is it he can only feel when human skin touches him? Will he change?
“Okay,” he finally responds, and Jayce’s shoulders sag with relief.
“I’m so, so glad you’re alright, V. We’ll figure this out together, I promise.” Jayce had promised him things before - he’d said he’d destroy the hexcore, but here Viktor stood anyway. He had no reason to believe he was telling the truth this time. But the warmth of Jayce’s hand still on his shoulder brings back one more memory, one more feeling. The night they met, when Viktor had snuck him into Heimerdinger’s lab, and Jayce had almost turned off the stabilizer as the hexcore spun wildly. It’ll work! Viktor had yelled over the sound of the doors being smashed in and the machine whirring wildly. Trust me! Jayce had looked scared for a moment, but then he’d nodded and cranked the machine up. I trust you. Trust. Another returned feeling. Viktor was going to try to use it.
When Jayce pulled back, the feeling in his shoulder stayed. So did the memory of them floating in the air, the concept of trust lingering on the edges. Everything else was empty.
--
Jayce was terrified. Viktor was now mostly Hexcore; the same material he’d found his leg to be made of when he’d dragged him back to the lab. Dragged him back to the lab dead. His spine had been completely snapped in half, he hadn’t been breathing. And yet, the Hexcore had spun, calling out to him, like it was begging to be reunited with Viktor. Jayce didn’t have the strength to not try it. And now Viktor was standing in front of him, only his face still human flesh, and even that was being slowly encroached upon by the Hexcore, snaking up his jawline in intricate swirls. He looked empty. He looked numb. He almost walked out on him. Almost.
The strange thing was, Viktor should have felt different when he hugged him. His skin should have felt metallic and cold. But oddly, it felt just like Viktor, or what he remembered Viktor felt like from the few times they’d hugged or put his hand on his shoulder. His face was still his, too. His hair was snarly and long, strange streaks of blonde running through it, and the bags under his eyes were even more pronounced than usual, a feat in and of itself, but it was him. Even if his gaze seemed vacant. At least, until Jayce hugged him. There seemed to be some flash of recognition behind his eyes, something other than numbness. It happened again when he grabbed him by the shoulder to stop him from leaving. Something of the old Viktor, his Viktor, returning to his eyes. The same way he used to look at him before. And then Viktor had said he would stay.
He led him to his room after that. Mostly because, embarrassingly, he had no idea where Viktor lived. Despite being partners for years, they had spent most of their time together in the lab. He decided it didn’t matter; he wouldn’t have left Viktor alone anyway.
Jayce held onto his arm the entire way. There seemed to be something about physical touch that was grounding him, so he figured it was a good idea. Viktor didn’t pull away. He just gazed around in a daze as they walked, occasionally looking at Jayce with the same expression on his face. He was still using his cane; Jayce wasn’t sure if he actually needed it anymore, but there was something comforting about it being there, something that told him the old Viktor was still in there. Jayce felt waves and waves of guilt roll through him. Why had Viktor gotten hurt in the first place, and he’d escaped with just a scratch? Why did he have to break his promise to save him? Could Viktor ever forgive him for his numerous upon numerous mistakes? He never should have joined the council, left Viktor alone in the lab to try and heal himself. None of this would have ever happened; they would have found some other way to save him. But it was too late to dwell on the past. All he had was now, and right now he was bringing Viktor back to his apartment and he was going to stay with him until he was whole again. He owed it to him, and so much more.
His place was cluttered; he had never been messy, per say, but he had always hoarded. Hoarded scraps and tools in case he found use for them, old trophies and awards, photos of family and friends. It was organized in a way he understood, but to an outsider it might look obnoxious. Especially to someone from the undercity, like Viktor, who had come from almost nothing. He looked over at him, expecting some sort of reaction, but there wasn’t one. Viktor just kept looking aimlessly around, like even the simplest observations confounded him. It made Jayce want to cry and start begging for his forgiveness right there. But that wouldn’t help anything, so he didn’t. He had to focus on Viktor right now, not his own feelings of failure.
He sat Viktor down on his couch and went over to his kitchen cupboards, grabbing a glass and filling it with water before bringing it back over. Viktor looked even farther away now than he had before when they had been walking, and Jayce had to wave his hands around for a moment before Viktor registered him again.
“Water?” He asked, holding out the glass, and after a minute Viktor hesitantly took it, slowly taking a sip. He made a strange face as the water went down, and then was choking for a moment before spitting the water back out.
“Are you alright?” Jayce rushed to grab a rag and wipe the water off Viktor’s face and the rug where it had landed, watching him worriedly. Viktor nodded.
“Yes. I just… don’t think I can drink anything anymore. Or eat, probably.” He gestured at his body, and Jayce swallowed down a wave of guilt. He had noticed that Viktor was missing some rather essential parts when they had still been in the lab, but he hadn’t fully thought through what that meant. How many other organs and bodily functions did he now lack?
“Oh god. I’m so sorry,” Jayce muttered, but Viktor didn’t seem to particularly feel one way or the other about it. He didn’t seem to feel much about anything at all. Jayce just stayed there sitting at his feet, waiting. What for, he didn’t know. Just anything to relieve this tension between them that had somehow become more taught in the last few minutes than before.
“I think I should sleep now,” Viktor finally said matter of factly, and Jayce jumped up, glad to have a purpose.
“Of course! Right. Here, you can take my bedroom.” Jayce started walking and gestured for him to follow, but Viktor shook his head.
“I won't put you out of your bed. Besides, I doubt I will sleep that much. The couch is fine.” Jayce shook his head vehemently.
“No, V. You need a bed. End of discussion.” Viktor looked like he was about to open his mouth to argue, but then he simply just nodded. Jayce almost wished he had argued, but only because that’s what old Viktor would have done. He would never have let him win so easily. It made Jayce feel ill.
He opened his bedroom door and gestured at the bed in front of him. It was a queen because he liked being able to spread out while he slept. Despite the reputation he had somehow gained as a playboy, he didn’t often bring people over, or sleep with people he wasn’t seriously seeing. It wasn’t for lack of options; he just wasn’t into it.
Viktor walked over, cane tapping rhythmically on the ground, and sat down on the edge of the bed, looking around unsurely. Jayce walked over to his closet to pull out the smallest t-shirt and pair of sweatpants he could find. Somehow, Viktor was even skinnier than before, and he doubted any of his normal sized clothes could even stay on the man without falling off.
“Here, you can wear these. Make yourself comfortable with whatever you like. If you need anything, I’ll just be outside, okay?” He handed the clothes over, and for a moment their hands brushed. He could swear Viktor shivered when they did, a flash of something behind his eyes, but then it was gone. Jayce stepped back to the door, but paused and watched as Viktor stared vacantly at the clothes in his hands.
“I’ll see you in the morning, okay?” Viktor looked over at him, and put on what he probably thought was his best attempt at a smile.
“Okay.” Jayce turned around and shut the door, stumbling over to the couch before collapsing on it. Every part of his body was tense, and he doubted he’d be getting much sleep either; his whole body felt like it was on the verge of a panic attack and all he wanted to do was storm back into his room and hug Viktor as tight as he could until he could convince the both of them that he was real and alive. Then Viktor would be back to his old self and sure, things wouldn’t be the same, but they’d be better. They had to be. Because while Jayce Tallis was a genius when it came to science and social interactions and getting what he wanted, he never had been good at understanding his own emotions. So of course he hadn’t realized he was in love with Viktor until he saw him dead in the council room. It’s why he couldn’t let him die. It’s why he wasn’t going to give up on him now. He didn’t even care if Viktor liked him back - that was the least of his concerns and low on the priority list of things Viktor needed to think about right now. But Jayce loved him, and gods be damned he was going to save him, even if it took a lifetime to drag him back to who he had been. Even if he destroyed himself in the process.
--
Jayce’s bedroom was the same as the rest of his apartment: overflowing with things. Not just regular things, but Jayce things. It was like he wanted to cram every part of his life into every space he lived in, like he would forget who he was without them. For Viktor, at least, it was helpful, because it was something to ground him in reality.
Once Jayce left him alone, he started to wander, taking in the pictures on the walls. Jayce with his mother. Jayce winning awards as a child. Jayce graduating. And oddly, Jayce and Viktor. A lot of Jayce and Viktor. Them at the innovators day fair, holding their trophy. The both of them in the lab after a particularly long day, when Jayce had managed to catch him off guard and grab a photo before he could object. He had welding goggles pressed to his forehead and he looked sweaty and gross. Jayce looked perfect, as always. Press days they had together. Both of them standing with the Hextech patent, smiles across both their faces, though of course Jayce’s was wider, beaming. Viktor’s was small, and he wasn’t looking at the camera; he was looking at Jayce. He tried to remember why.
He traced his hands along the pictures, trying to connect to them. He could recall them factually, but what it felt like to be there, that was harder. He tried focusing on each one, remembering the day, the moment, the feelings. Reminding himself how he had lived. It made his brain hurt. He moved on to the other things that crowded the room: random inventions, trophies, magic cards and various posters for sports teams, piles of books ranging from fantasy to neuroscience, and scattered gears and gadgets. Viktor picked up a gear and rubbed it in between his fingers, trying desperately to feel it. He couldn’t.
Eventually he stopped and changed into the clothes Jayce had given him. They were large for him but the pants had a string that he was able to tighten so he could make them stay on his hips. He still couldn’t feel them, save for where the shirt rested on the shoulder that Jayce had held for a while. The ability to feel there still hadn’t faded. He sniffed the shirt out of mild curiosity of what Jayce’s clothes would smell like, but found nothing. He sniffed his own hand, the air, and confirmed his suspicion - he couldn’t smell at all. How many senses had he lost? How many things would he be unable to do? He thought he’d been limited before, by his leg and disease. Now, he could walk and talk without coughing up blood, but he wasn’t sure this was better. He just didn’t know. There were so many things he didn’t know.
He went and laid down on the bed. He’d mostly said he needed to sleep because he needed time where Jayce wasn’t watching him, looking for some sign that the Viktor he knew was in there. He couldn’t be that for him, and he didn’t want to have to try right now. He hadn’t been sure if sleep was even a thing he still needed, let alone could do, but his eyes started to sag and felt himself begin to drift off into oblivion. Right before he dozed off, he rubbed the shoulder that had sensation, the soft fabric of Jayce’s shirt sending waves of warmth through his body. The idea of having more of that, being able to feel, well. Perhaps it was worth trying to get back.