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"Fuck!"
Emily clasped a clumsy hand around her wrist, crimson seeping through the unseen gaps between her fingers.
She didn't mean to go that deep; it was a rookie mistake. Eyes drifted from one red line to another, blending and blurring together. Was it tears or drugs making her vision blurry?
"For fucks sake.." She grumbled, as the cogs in her head turned slowly and jerkily. The blade next to her had clattered to the floor, with a metallic clang. It was sticky with blood, staining the already disgusting tiles beneath it; It would need sanitising later. Tissue clung to the dripping red spewing from her wrist, so wet it blended into her skin. It ran down her violently shaking hand, down onto the floor, joining the previous stains of piss and vomit. Emily didn't know why she was moving so slowly when she went so deep at school. If anything, she should be panicking right now - but she wasn't. Her movements were almost lazy, as if she didn't care about her life anymore - and honestly? It wasn't a lie. But she should've been more careful. Its okay to go this deep at home because her mom's a nurse - if she needed bandages she had them.
The school didn't even have a nurse, she'd probably pass out in the hallway and get molested before she anyone she liked found her.
If her day didn't feel awful earlier, it definitely did now. Waking up itself was whole chore - her body screaming at her to just remain under the heavy pressure of her duvet and pyjamas. Her thighs were still sore from the night before, so trying to get dressed was excruciating, the rough material of her skin tight jeans rubbing against the fresh wounds. Her eyes were droopy, making it difficult to try and do her makeup - her face was a whole thing too, with neon red spots and dry skin so the concealer flaked despite how much moisturiser she put on. Stomaching breakfast was something she couldn't handle, meaning she walked straight out of the front door with only a broken sense of hope and fake confidence holding her together. The car journey made her stomach do about twelve flips and merge itself with her kidney, almost swerving into another car because of the random dizziness that overcame her. One step into the school and Emily never wanted to die so quickly. Everyone was so loud, sneaking squeaking against the shiny tiles that were never cleaned; Clothes rustling together sounded like nails on a chalk board. Every sound pulsed through her ear. It didn't help that Jeffery was nattering in her ear all of first period because God forbid Mr Lorre puts her next to someone tolerable. Emily has never wanted to stab someone so bad, and she lives with her mother.
The only thing that made her morning just barely manageable was the fact she got to see Nicole..Even if Nicole had a girlfriend..and even if Emily had a boyfriend, and a potential girlfriend who's okay to have because she doesn't really love her boyfriend...Nicole would always take first place. Nicole and her stupid messy hair that never looks brushed but somehow stays attractively ruffled. Nicole and her stupid grey skin that makes everyone think that she's malnourished when she just needs to go outside more. Nicole and her stupid dead eyes that looked you up and down judgmentally when she doesn't like you. Nicole in general made Emily fill warm inside, better then anything her boyfriend could give her. Despite her shitty personality and the fact she probably barely acknowledges Emily sometimes, Emily couldn't help but think about killing herself for Nicole. She'd do anything for her.
...
Broken teeth gnawed at Emily's bottom lip, as she thought about her next probably regrettable decision. She could always call Ari - she was her girlfriend after all - but she couldn't even move her arm without more blood gushing out. Her eyebrows creased as she tried to think of something.
She needed a fucking ambulance
Maybe for the first time in her messed up life, Emily actually didn't know what to do. Which was strange, because Emily always knew what to do. Her eyes clouded with a pitiful shame, and embarrassment. It wasn't like it hurt right now, but it was kind of scary looking, which was also strange because she'd gone deeper than this before. Was it because she was at school? It would make sense, this place felt like it was building its own sexual abuse case as the weeks went on. It was surprising how it hadn't been shut down yet - a roach infestation...pedophiles hiding in the walls...most students were suicidal...It wasn't great.
Emily was suddenly pulled out of her rapidly moving thoughts to reality, by the vibrations in her back pocket. Her slimy fingertips fumbled with the smooth texture of the phone but she managed to pull it out and glance wearily at the cracked screen. Her face softened noticeably, and her eyes relaxed when she saw the name flashing.
Nicole <3
She patted her fingertips rhythmically against the side of the phone, choosing whether to answer or not. On one hand, it would most likely help to hear Nicole's voice; On the other, if Nicole was with others, she would probably be able to tell that something was wrong. Somehow, Nicole always managed to be smart around others, even when she was kind of stupid. Emily held off on clicking the answer button. It felt too stressful over the phone. The device was shoved back into the back pocket of her jeans, vibrating still. What did you even do in the situation? Dying in this shithole with pedophiles and rapists was the last way Emily wanted to die.
Silence draped over the room like a weighted curtain, muffling the rats travelling through the vents. It felt like the building was in the set of a zombie apocalypse movie. In her mind, Emily was already dead. She had been dead since fourth grade, when her parents divorced. Being alive felt like a hobby that she had lost interest in a while ago but had the reluctance to give up. Her eyes fixated on the corner of the stall, as her bottom lip became unsteady and her nostrils flared. She was trying so hard. With her eyes stinging, and red merging with black, Emily had never wanted to die more. She truly didint know why she felt so hopeless today. It hasn't been this bad for a while now. She brought her non injured hand towards her cheek, wiping harshly, while her throat constricted and she choked on the despair she drowned in. With pitiful, choppy breaths she struggled to take, Emily picked up the blade again. It didn't matter it had touched the floor now. It didn't matter that she was at school. It didn't matter that she didn't have a note ready or that it was probably unnecessary to do, but she had never felt so despondent. Heartsick. Her heart hurt.
"Emily?" Echoed loudly through the spacey room, in that safe sounding monotone voice. It snapped Emily out of whatever trance she happened to be in in the moment and her head snapped up like a dog. She was as quick to be silenced as she was to make decisions. Like tape, something sealed her mouth shut, leaving her unable to reassure Nicole of her presence.
Emily heard her heart in her ears as she waited for Nicole to speak again. A cloak of dead air wrapped itself around the two girls until recognisable black shoes appeared under the door, "I know you're in here,"
"No,"
"Come out,"
"Why?"
"Bitch, just come out,"
Emily glanced down at her wrist, the blood staining her skin was sickening. She was surprised she hadn't fainted already, but she had realised her wrist was now pulsing and sending a sharp stabbing pain through the entirety of her arm. The numbness had started to come to the surface, hiding beneath the surface of the dangers about to come. Her fingers twitched, becoming a more bruising purple by the second. With that distinct unsteadiness in her stained hand, the bathroom stall unlocked with a click, and now the problem felt heavy on her shoulders, as she realised what she'd actually done.
Everything blurred together as the blonde slouched on the dirty floor, but Emily could make out Nicole in front of her, looking not even the slightest hint of concerned by the fact that her friend was about to pass out from blood loss.
"..You good?" Nicole asked hesitantly, head tilted a bit to the side. Strands of hair fell into her face, as she studied Emily.
Her face was pale as ever, making the small red spot on her forehead more prominent. Usual dilated and bright blue eyes were now glossed over, and blurry. Quivering lips and the stream of blood running from her arm. It was obvious now, and Nicole didn't know how to respond.
"...Do you want help?"
Emily nodded, one hand planted against the floor, holding herself up. Her chest stuttered with every raspy inhale, sending a jolt through her ribs. Her muscles yelled in protest, as Nicole shifted her body as carefully as she could without showing she actually was concerned. Emily's arm twitched madly, despite all pressure being relieved from it, now resting against Niciole's chest. She hissed as a dull throb formed behind her eyes and she had never been in such pain. Everything was ever a stabbing throb or a dull ache from the cuts on her skin to the tremor in her bones. Emily's eyes were barely even open - Nicole was shocked she had lasted this long on her own.
From her shoulder down to the artery in her wrist, Emily's arm was wrapped in layers of light pink, to pale brown, to the mess of glistening red.
"Holy shit, what the fuck did you do?" She wasn't judging, it was just...odd. Seeing so much blood, and the inside of her friends arm. It was actually quite stomach turning, and Nicole couldn't help put look away.
"...Nicole.." Emily slurred hoarsely, "It's never hurt this bad before.."
"Yeah, yeah..shit..shut up a second,"
Nicole had never been in a situation where she had to think so carefully and quickly. Between making sure Emily didnt collapse onto the bathroom floor and her bleeding out, the brunette was under a high amount of pressure. Her hands reached for the tissue-paper thin toilet roll the school stocked up on, wrapping it around Emily's wrist, but she didn't even get halfway through the roll before Emily winced again.
"..Fuck," Her voice quivered, eyes automatically stinging and blurring, "Nicole please, it actually hurts,"
"I know," she stressed, tugging off her own hoodie. Tightly, the sleeves of the jacket was wound around Emily's wrist, in attempt to stop the bleeding along with the copious amounts of tissue that had been ravelled around her arm.
She sobbed pathetically against the brunettes shoulder, tears seeping through the fabric onto her bare skin. She wasn't sure why it hurt so bad this time round. Normally, it didn't affect her in the slightest, only when it rubbed against her bed sheets when she slept.
"..It's okay, don't..cry," Nicole mumbled awkwardly, rubbing her back.
Emily had never cried like this before. Not in front of someone anyway. The last time she had cried like this was when her step dad beat the shit out of her that one time for being trans.
"Fuck, it's bleeding a lot, do we need to like, take you to hospital or something?"
Between pitiable sobs and choking on air, she shook her head along with something incoherent.
So, like a good person, Nicole sat on the very, very unhygienic bathroom floor, her new hoodie wrapped around Emily's wrist, while the latter bled out and bawled into her shoulder. She wasn't sure what she was meant to do right now. I mean, Jecka had definitely cried like this before, and Nicole just solved it with eating her face off, but she couldn't really do that with Emily.
"It'll..be okay, probably,"
It was said with such fake enthusiasm - or as much as the sociopath could manage at the moment (so barely any) - that it made both girls feel sick. They both knew it wouldn't be okay, just from the amount of gashes decorating the blondes arm. Even if they were small slits, the type of cuts you get from lightly brushing the blade over your arm, it still would of been bad.
"I don't wanna do this anymore," Emily whispered, grasping the back of the brunette's tight shirt, "I can't,"
"Do what?"
"Fucking be here!"
"..Right..." She bit her lip, "What do you wanna do about it?"
"Die,"
It was such a blunt and honest answer, sad but relatable nonetheless.
"It'd be kind of shit if you died right now,"
"..Really?"
"Yuh huh, I mean, it would be a shit ton of work to hide your body," Nicole scoffed, her fingers rolling a strand of Emily's hair between them, "I'd kinda miss you, as well. Not in a gay way, though,"
She chuckled, eyes becoming droopy, "that's gay.."
"Bitch i just said not in a gay way,"
"It's still gay,"
It felt into a melancholic silence, filled with heavy breathing and fabric rustling. Emily's vision became black around the edges, and it all turned blurry. She was unable to make out anything but shapes and colours. Nicole was sitting there, leaning against the tiled wall as the other rested in her arms.
"I'm tired,"
"..Tired?"
Emily nodded, "I'm gonna..go to sleep,"
".. You'll wake up right?"
Stupid question really; Emily had lost so much blood it was genuinely unsettling. The stall looked like someone had been murdered, and what was even weirder, was that no one has stepped foot in the fucking bathroom?? Like, everyone came to this one.
"Yeah, I'll wake up," Emily murmured, eyes slowly shutting. Nicole waited, until she felt the unstable girl in her skeletal arms, breathing even out.
It was actually a bit scary, being left like this. Nicole did not like it.
Grabbing her phone, she decided it was probably for the best if she let someone know where the pair was, In case Emily did actually like, die or some crazy shit - so she messaged Jecka. Short and quick, just a simple "Found Emily, in bathroom, bring bandages". Kind of gay but whatever.
For now, Nicole sat silently, rubbing her friends back, while she waited for somethings to happen.
This was unnerving and new, and it wasn't liked one bit.
At least Emily was comfortable.