Work Text:
Hey babe. Whatcha doing reading my diary? Don’t worry, I get it, I’ve totally read YOURS. But I’m still gonna break your fingers for this. You know I love you, right? And no, I don’t know who you are. I don’t really care. I’m just gonna break a lot of fingers tomorrow to make sure I got the right perp. Thanks for giving me the opportunity. I told you I loved you, right?
I bet you’re reading my diary because you wanna know the secret to What Makes Larxene So Awesome? Babe, if you can’t tell just by looking, I don’t know how to help you. You already know that I’m really hot and I’m better at stuff than all of you. I’d say those are my two greatest qualities, but what do YOU think? Tell me next time you see me, I wanna know.
I’ll tell you what YOUR greatest qualities are. You scream like a little bitch when I hit you, and I don’t even hit you all that hard. Makes my day, babe, I love it when I don’t have to try.
Gosh, I didn’t realize my THIRD greatest quality was being such a good writer. Aren’t you glad you’re reading this? I’M glad you’re reading this. I’ll be fucking honest with you, I hate writing, but I guess that’s cuz I’m not usually writing about ME. Same goes for reading. If you ever write anything about me, I’ll totally read it. But you better make me look hot.
Know what else I like about you? You’re hot, too. You’re not as hot as me (unless you’re Marly), but you’re hot enough that I would bang you. Consider yourself asked the next time you see me.
So. Writing.
Wanna know what I had for breakfast this morning? Corn flakes and a shot of tequila. Yes in the corn flakes. Yes I ate the worm.
Wanna know what I had for lunch? Roasted pig and peppermint schnapps. No I didn’t pay for them.
Wanna know what I had for dinner? Elizabeth Swann’s pussy.
You see why it’s so great to be me? I know you only hate me cuz you’re jealous. But I love you. I’m a very loving person. And I also found someone’s whiskey stash tonight so that’s helping. But it’s your fault if I throw up.
What else do you wanna know about me? You wanna know my bra size? Well I’d tell you, but I’d rather you find out for yourself. Don’t let the numbers fool you, though, my tits are actually
Sorry, had to go throw up. Ugh, writing is so boring, why am I even doing this? This isn’t fucking SCHOOL, but it’s kind of worse. Fuck this place.
Kay well, good night, babe, I love you. I’m slapping you tomorrow.
Your favorite bitch,
Larxene <3