Archive of Our Own

A low groan bounced off the apartment walls as Luca threw his head back on the couch. The prickly fabric throw draped over it tickled the back of his neck while his face scrunched up at the brightness of the lights.

Balancing on his right hand as leverage, he pushed up from the couch and went to the guest bedroom. The guest bed squeaked and dipped under his weight as he tried and failed to get comfortable.

You should get off your arse and explore Chicago, or find anything that requires being out of the apartment. Wise words from his little sister he unfortunately had waning enthusiasm to act on, even though that was all that was going for him. He considered messaging Marcus to see if he had a free moment to accompany him, but Luca’s fingers predictably skipped to Sydney's contact, Baby Seal Eyes to be exact.

Absent-mindedly, his tongue swiped over his lips as hope dared to sprout through his hermit demeanour. He was fucked; he wouldn't not check if she messaged him at that point. He hadn't acted like this over anyone since… Fuck, he couldn't recall any time someone had him so riled up, in more ways than one.

No new text messages.

If he told someone he wasn't disappointed it would be a fat lie. The feelings that had been lodged in his chest since Sydney said they should go on a break for a few days had congealed. The dense mass blanketed and put pressure on his heart, and he swore everything since appeared more dull, or just plain went wrong.

Staying at his sister's was good at first, but recently each time he asked her if she wanted to hang out, she had a reason why she couldn't, or rather why she didn't want to. Luca’s trademark optimism had him fooled, but the dwindling consistency of his sister’s “heys” and “goodbyes” and her overall switch from her usual bubbly vibe proved to him otherwise.

Instead of trying to find some twisted silver lining in the two big reasons he wanted to stay in Chicago not being happy with him, he scrolled to the most recent photo Syd sent him. She was on her way to work, wearing a dusty pink puffer jacket and a black beanie. Her lips were puckered as the camera captured her blowing a kiss. She’s so…

No new messages. He swiped to another version of her that was happy with him: her braids awry on her pillow, her bare chest in full view and her large brown eyes staring back that made him take pause. Did people who were ‘just messing around’ allow each other to take photos like that? Granted, he’d only taken a few like this, and Syd once teased she’d do the same ‘when he wouldn’t notice’, and he was unsure when she’d find the opportunity. But his point still stood.

Every snippet from their argument that tried to force themselves to the front of his mind was quietened by every other positive memory. Sure, it was technically early days but… Didn’t all those moments mean something? If she decided to speak to him again, he’d jump at the opportunity to do the right thing. He attempted not to think too hard about what he would need to do to put himself back in her good graces; his vision blurred at the possibility he wouldn’t get the chance, and he had to blink rapidly to stop it.

Taking a moment, he fully registered where he was as he wiped his hand of any sweat from holding his phone, the ticking of the clock the only noise to be heard. When he got reacquainted with his phone, he resisted the urge to set himself up for disappointment again and shifted on the bed.

The soft contours of Sydney’s face kept passing under his thumb. Fuck, she’s so beautiful. His eyes studied each photo closely, and suddenly he tore them away from the screen, heat sneaking up his neck. He shouldn’t… He never had… Would she be pissed if she knew? Any time he noticed his mind slipping into that kind of territory, he’d find something else to do. But at that moment?

There was only so much distracting himself with being a neat freak, trying new recipes and exploring Chicago could do for him. Sydney was everywhere. She lit a fire inside him he wanted nothing more than to add fuel to if she wanted; he knew he did. She was the reason he shifted again on the bed, she was mad at him, and she was too damn beautiful, adorable and sexy all at the same time for Luca to handle.

“Fuck…”. He moved his hand under his boxers and gulped as he grabbed himself harshly. Photos of her pretty face filled his vision until he came across one in particular. Her hair was in that half-up, half-down style he really liked, and she had a giant smoothie in hand with her lips closed over a straw. Heat crawled up Luca’s neck as his eyes snapped shut recalling a memory.

She’d just washed off the ‘kitchen smell’, and the subtle scent of raspberries clung to him from behind. He didn’t have time to fully process her soft chest on his back once she started kissing and nipping at his neck from behind. A sigh tumbled from his lips and he could feel her own upturn once she began licking him after each bite, her hair brushing on his skin and sending tiny shivers down his spine.

He began stroking himself slowly from base to tip, his phone abandoned as he was swept away in the memory.

Her smooth palm immediately grabbed hold of his dick and pulled it free, her thumb tenderly circling the tip making his head tilt back. Wanting to look at her, he lifted her chin to tear her gaze away from his lap, but much to his surprise she didn’t break eye contact. With every breath, her pebbled nipples rubbed against his back and he knew his entire neck was pink.

Her lips were parted. All at once they dedicated themselves to closing the space between them. She moaned as he slipped his tongue in her mouth, her hand on his faltering and instead moving to his torso. Luca caught her tongue between his lips and eagerly sucked, saliva leaking at the side of his mouth, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to be close to her as she let him.

Strained groans bounced off the walls of the room, it took every ounce of resolve to slow his strokes along his shaft that was glistening with precum already.

He knew exactly what she wanted and angled himself so she could comfortably stroke him and continue kissing him, but that didn’t stop him from frowning when she briskly pulled away for a second, a string of salvia landing on his shoulder.

“Is this okay?” Her voice was so quiet and laced with lust, and her hand stroking him felt like heaven. He almost didn’t hear what she said next: “Lu–?”

“Yes, Syd. Yes, it’s okay– Mph!”

Her lips found his neck again and every touch was like a match that started a million little fires on his skin. He tried to slow her movements by covering her hand, but she pumped up and down his shaft at a dizzying speed that made it hard to focus on anything else.

“Syd… N–not so fast, babe. Ngh. I want to… I want–”.

“Mmm. Maybe I'll let up a little if you let me hear all those sounds you're making, Lu.”

He let out a loud groan and words escaped him. Blood was thumping in his ears as his hips desperately jerked up to her touch. Her name naturally fell from his lips over and over, her facial expressions morphing between wonder and arousal, her whimpers bringing him closer and closer to the edge.

How could one person be everything so effortlessly?

“Come for me, please.”

She unravelled him. His hips lifted off the bed in quick succession, Syd diligently continuing to stroke him as his seed leaked on her hand. His hair stuck to his forehead as the last remaining drops of his pleasure were wrung out of him, and he dropped on his back.

He repositioned himself so his entire body wasn't completely hanging off Syd's bed. He managed a lopsided smile when she raked his fingers through her hair, yet he still felt pulled to not end their excursion so soon. He wanted to get her off too.

The bed dipped and he sucked in a breath at her licking away at her defiled hand. Avoiding his gaze, she flicked some that landed on his thigh with her index finger and closed her lips over it. Her body shuddered. There was a short pop when she pulled her finger out of her mouth.

He was staring at her as she opened her eyes. Some of her braids obscured her appearance as she bowed her head. Affection spread throughout Luca's chest. He reckoned they were way past the point of embarrassment, but he wasn't going to dampen the mood in any way by saying so. She was too overwhelmingly cute for that.

“Enjoy yourself?” He asked with a smirk.

“Yeah. May I…?”

In his daze, he took a few seconds longer to understand what she meant, but once he did he nodded, his smirk widening at her pulling his sweatpants and boxes all the way off.

“Let me get you off next time too. You tired me out again.”

Sydney licked her lips, holding back a grin as she straddled his thigh. “My deepest apologies. What could probably help is if you try to keep up.”

“You know what you– Mmhm.” He forgot what he planned to say with the first roll of her hips, her wetness marking his thigh. “Fuck Syd–”.

Her head threw back then her hips moved up and down his thigh, her whines the most intoxicating music as she picked up her pace. Luca pawed at her hips, his heart beating fast at her breasts bouncing and the room growing hot all over again. He shuddered at the way her knee rubbed against him as the sound of their skin colliding in frenzied motions, but he couldn’t help but dig his nails into her hips as she cried out before she came–

“Uugh–!”

His resolve broke and he stroked himself roughly as he came over himself, Syd’s presence unforgettable as he saw white in his vision. Uncontrollably he jerked up into his fist as his voice grew hoarse until he had nothing left to give. His breaths were laboured as he slowly came down from his high, his torso unwinding from the force of ecstasy. He caught a glimpse of himself in the window, all red in the face and sweating and overall looking like a mess– but he smiled.

Gratitude tempered his thoughts about Sydney. He was lucky no one would witness him waddling to the bathroom to clean himself up. He had a shower, washed his hair and after getting dressed in something comfortable, he double-checked his thorough clean up after himself (because he’d die if his sister got the impression he was careless and didn’t respect her home).

Reruns of 90s American sitcoms played on the TV when his sister returned, a neutral expression that fell into a frown, that quickly pulled back into a ‘I’m barely tolerating you’ look.

“You’re still here? I thought you had something to do today.”

“I didn’t plan anything.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I got you something,” she said, throwing a book onto the couch that poked his side.

100 Things to Do in Chicago Before You Die by Molly Page. Luca mustered a tight-lipped smile. Subtly was never Dani’s strong point. “Thanks.”

She nodded in acknowledgement. He didn’t bother to ask if she wanted to join him. Instead, he wordlessly helped her with the bags she was holding and put them on the kitchen table.

“The food in the small white bag is for you too. Read that book okay? I don’t want you wasting away at my place because you broke up with your girlfriend or whatever.”

“She’s… Not my girlfriend…”

Dani’s brows knotted downwards and she patted him on the shoulder as she pulled something out from one of the bags. “Yikes. But that’s even more of a reason to get out there, right?”

Luca rubbed his hand over his face. “I guess.”

“Enjoy the food.” The door to her bedroom clicked shut and he was alone again.

He dumped the lukewarm food onto two stacked paper plates and sat down on the couch again. He poked at it with a fork as he considered her words. He hadn’t heard her say the word yikes since they were kids, his lips upturned on their own accord as a laugh track played on the TV.

Getting fresh air would always be a good idea. He made use of the scenery wherever he was to simply walk around and observe. But it’s not like he’d been cooped up inside for weeks or anything, so the urgency wasn’t warranted. Once he arrived in Chicago and then met Sydney, she’d choose a place she liked or wanted to explore off her long list and he’d eagerly join her. The scenery turned to the cherry on top rather than the main focus of interest. Always.

He picked up some food with a fork. Maybe space was a good thing for both of them; it was true he felt it more as a beyond-fair punishment for his unsavoury reaction, but trying harder to see that as a good thing would hopefully put his mind at ease.

In the meantime, Marcus was cool to hang out with, or he could see what Carmen was up to… Scratch that. He slumped, but he didn't get a bite of his food when his phone buzzed from behind a pillow.

Almost dropping it, he put the plate down on the floor and grabbed his phone. He saw he had one new text message and it was from the same contact that rang his phone and his eyes widened, praying he wasn’t seeing things:

Baby Seal Eyes

Calling…

He stood up straight. Sydney was calling him. He put his phone up to his ear then ran his fingers through his damp hair and answered.

“Syd?”

“Luca, hey…”.

“Are you okay?” He gulped. Her voice was a mere whisper, all gentle and breathy. There was no reply for a minute or two and the sniffles made him lean forward, pinching anxiety in his gut.

“Syd…?”

“I– I need you… Could you come over? I don’t mean to bother you, but–”.

“I’m coming over.” He stood up to get ready to leave without a second thought. “Do you need me to get you anything?”

“No… No, I'm fine.”

He cleaned up and then picked out something better to wear. “I’ll be there as soon as I can, okay?”

Another long pause. “Okay.”

“I can stay on the call if you want. I can call you back–”.

“That's… So sweet. But I'll be fine.”

“Alright. I'll see you soon.”

“Yeah…”. He listened to her breathing for a moment before reluctantly hanging up.

He scribbled a note for his sister instead of adding to her mountain of notifications before rushing out the door, a renewed determination spreading out from his heart.

Please don’t look at me like that. I’m going to fold easier than a crêpe at this rate.

“I’m sorry I overreacted. I-I’m just kind of a mess right now and I’d rather you didn’t waste your time.”

“You’re not wasting my time. None of the time we spend together is a waste to me.”

Sydney pursed her lips and looked down at the floor, only for tingles to climb at her neck at the sight of a bag almost ready to tear at the weight of its contents in Luca’s hand. That is a lot of food. She swept imaginary dust off her jersey, no– Luca’s jersey, a light blue Emirates one with the words ‘fly better’ in a navy font in all capitals. Her eyes darted back to his, craning her neck a little because he was so freaking tall. There wasn’t a safe place to look.

“Really, I appreciate you coming, but… I think it’s better I don’t bring us both into a funk, you know?”

His expression changed, which made her stop half-balancing on her right foot from nerves. It wasn’t like he didn’t have better things to do; he had his sister he hadn’t seen in years to reconnect with, which was worlds more valuable than him being a shoulder for her to cry on. She was constantly messing things up, she really didn’t want whatever the dynamic was between them to be messed up too. Her feet moved a fraction closer back into her apartment, maybe he would let up–

“Let me cook for you before I leave. I thought of you when– There’s this recipe that really stood out to me and I want to put my own spin on it. We can try it together, then I’ll leave. Is that okay?”

More than okay. A part of her wanted to kick herself, the other, louder part swooned at the idea. Curiosity had got the best of her and she felt her eyes widen at the sound of a new recipe.

Besides, she was having one too many nights spent tossing and turning about her future. She needed fresh new ideas. The ones she had while at The Bear felt stained with pain and rejection, even though they were her own. Her chest grew tight at the thought of going back to those memories, but maybe even more so to a version of herself, she’d be ashamed to stare back at. She allowed herself to fall so low for a false high she believed in so much it made her stomach churn.

Luca was standing at her doorstep, a bag of groceries he troubled himself to buy just because, and he hadn’t moved a muscle as he waited for her response, his eyes searching her face with gentle focus. Her fingers flexed and she moved her hands behind her back to stop herself from touching his sweet face.

“Okay,” she whispered. He smiled at her like he ate sunshine for breakfast. Damn him.

They both entered, Luca gave her hip a quick squeeze that made her insides flutter. She spun around once she locked the door, watching him move around her tiny kitchen as if he lived in it, placing everything in the appropriate places.

“You really went through the pomegranates we got before. Good thing I bought some more.”

“Oh yeah. I was having–”. He pulled his hoodie over his head and tossed it on her couch. Her words evaporated into the air as she stared at him expertly cutting, the way his tattooed arms flexed with each movement another topic of interest.

“Syd?”

It took a few moments too long for her to realise he said her name. “Mmm?”

Either she was just unlucky or he knew her too well because a smirk rippled across his face and rose to a chuckle, a raised eyebrow asking a question she couldn’t identify before he turned back to the task at hand.

Sydney bit her lip and pulled her eyes away.

I’m too fucking easy. Fuck me.

“So, how’s Dani doing?”

Luca poured the quinoa into the boiling water and switched to measuring out various spices in quick succession, but Sydney prematurely turned off the tap– his shoulders hiked up and his mouth dipped at the mention of her.

“She’s fine. I think she’s pissed at me for being around so much.”

“What? No, that’s silly. I mean, it might be that she has other stuff going on. Maybe it’s not about anything you’re doing, you know?”

He mixed the spices together and adjusted the heat of the stove.

“Thanks. That’s possible.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing that can’t be fixed while you’re staying here,” she reassured, a wistful expression directed at her in response.

“Yeah.”

Sydney finished washing the ingredients for the salad and carried them to her part of the counter, her shoulder brushing against Luca’s back.

“What got you so upset, Syd?”

Sydney shut her eyes, she was grateful she already placed the ingredients on the table, otherwise, she was sure she’d stumble. “It’s nothing really… It’s just… It’s a lot, leaving one restaurant, opening a new one…”.

The clank of stuff being moved around stopped and Luca fully turned his body to her. She sighed; she hoped what she answered was enough, but she didn’t want to hide from him either. He didn’t just pry her true colours out of her, he earnestly appreciated them in their entirety, embracing every aspect of her she tried to keep locked away at all times. It terrified her how comfortable she’d gotten with him doing that.

“But?”

“It’s… It’s just that. I’ve been talking with Tina and Marcus, it sounds like things aren’t going well and… I feel so guilty, like when you found me. They’ve told me they’re fine, but I know better. Then there’s Adam and we easily agreed on a name and stuff. But, when I was talking to him a few days ago, I don’t fucking know. It reminded me of every shitty thing I’ve been through since joining this industry.”

“What did he say to you?”

She shrugged. “Nothing. He didn't make me feel anything I haven’t felt at something more than like, 50% of the people I’ve worked with have said or done.”

“Arseholes are unfortunately common creatures that are unavoidable in hospitality,” he joked with a grin.

“Ha, that’s… True. It would be cool if the bad parts were equally distributed.”

He began nodding, but she swore she saw his spirit jump out of his skin the second he realised what she meant. His palms rested on her shoulders and he shook his head in apology.

“I’m so sorry. That was stupid of me. I didn’t mean to, like, invalidate your experiences in this industry.”

An uncontrollable smile broke out on her features, but Luca didn’t return it as the tip of his nose ran along the bridge of her own.

“It’s okay.”

They stayed standing chest to chest for a few moments, one of his hands playing with her braids. She was certain he was sniffing her– which was a good thing because she was doing the same as she bunched the front of his vest in her hands. He smelt fresh, like tea tree and coconut and she instinctively brought her face closer to his chest and closed her eyes in appreciation.

A splutter from the pot broke them from their reverie.

“Shit.” Luca’s touch lingered. He turned off the stove and drained the quinoa fast. “It may be a tad overcooked, but it should be fine. What do you think?”

“Hmm. I think it should be okay. This does give me an idea for quinoa patties with a kalamata and castelvetrano tapenade though… Hold on.”

Sydney unearthed her notebook from under several pages of lacklustre ideas in her bedroom, mostly torn neatly from the dotted lines and came bounding back into the kitchen where Luca was waiting.

“Just going to write that down before I forget.”

The corners of Luca’s mouth perked up at her and she absentmindedly licked her lips before refocusing on getting that idea down. When she peered back up, Luca was setting up the separate stations for the process of dressing the Icelandic cod: seasoning, flour, egg, then breadcrumbs. She went back to her task of chopping the ingredients for the salad and they moved in a comfortable silence.

Sydney was grateful, and frustrated at her tiny kitchen: Luca and herself had ample opportunity to playfully bump each other because of it. But it meant if Sydney offered to help him, they may end up causing an unnecessary mess with too little room to manoeuvre.

What was also true that blew both those reasons out of the park was that she really wanted to be close to him and she didn’t care if they made a mess (although, she was confident she’d be extra careful for the both of them.)

After she tossed the quinoa, pomegranate and other ingredients with the salad dressing and covered the bowl, she cleaned the counter. Her side was free from anything that could accidentally spill over, so she made her move.

Luca was frying the fifth piece of cod in the hot oil when Sydney came up behind him and ran her hands over his torso. He was so warm. She nuzzled her nose into him and smiled at him shivering under her touch.

“It smells really good. I can’t wait to try it.”

He cleared his throat.

“Uh, yeah. Me too,” he agreed. Sydney raised herself on her tiptoes to get a better view of the blush riding up his neck. He tensed up, with her partly using him as support to stand behind him, a mischievous idea popped up in her mind.

He was about to start prepping more cod, but Sydney slid her fingers under his vest. A sharp intake of breath spurred her on to leave a trail of kisses on his nape, a growing need to hear his voice simmering under her skin. There was something about him, being there, in her kitchen. She couldn’t put her finger on it. She could only trace her fingers over his abs, his pulse vibrating wildly as she continued kissing his nape.

“Hmm,” he hummed in contentment, “That’s– It’s hard to think about cooking when you’re touching me like this– not gonna lie.”

Sydney slowed her ministrations but held his gaze when she looked up. “Oh? What are you thinking about instead?”

The pink in his face made her heart flutter, but his gaze was what had warmth spread throughout her entire body. His eyes staring back at her had a similar effect to when she stared across the water near Sheridan Road– she couldn’t help but reflect.

Though it wasn’t her usual worries: her choices in general, her dad or her finances But him. How she felt around him, like a kite with an anchor. Not trapped in a cage, but free, within bounds that complimented who she was at her core. How he was, reliable, calm and so genuine it made her head spin if she dwelled on that truth of his being for too long.

A part of her was waiting, however, for things to turn sideways. Bile built up in her throat at the nasty argument they had; she wasn’t used to seeing him like that. She also wasn’t prepared for the way it sliced through her sense of safety. Sure, she wasn’t made out of paper (though she often felt like she was). But what was she thinking, getting so comfortable? They hadn’t known each other for long enough for his words to pinch at her like they did.

Why did she keep making the same mistake over and over again? Clearly, she hadn’t learnt her lesson. Or perhaps she didn’t want to, and that was what terrified her the most. Because if what she had with Luca was a mistake, and she’d fuck it up like she did everything else, then why did she still want him so much? She couldn’t decipher if she was running heart-first into old patterns or not.

All she knew was that he showed up and she let him. She loved to let him in. Everything seemed lighter, she drew deeper breaths when he was close. She knew it all felt so good, being with him and he made it so worth it. She wanted to make him feel like that with her. There was no way she was anywhere close…

In her rumination, Sydney hadn’t realised the absence of Luca’s skin under her fingers and was lifted off the floor before she knew it.

“H-hey–! Wow, you really are freaking tall.”

She admired the view of her apartment she’d never get to experience without a ladder involved, Luca’s laughter a balm to her train of thought. He plopped her down onto the couch, she felt her cheeks warm at how he had to bend down to position her on it.

He returned to the kitchen and plated the food then joined Sydney on the couch, her legs draped over his lap with Luca balancing the plate as he shimmied so close to her the smell of the food wasn’t enough to divert her attention from him.

“Why don’t we overthink about this recipe instead?”

She opened her mouth to reply but fell short when he gestured a loaded fork towards her lips. A wisp of air left her and she looked away from him but quickly turned back with an untamed grin.

“I’m already a serial overthinker at my job, I think I’ll pass this time ‘round. But, trying what’s definitely going to be of utmost deliciousness I will do.”

Some of her braids fell over her shoulders as she leaned forward, her lips closing around the fork and trying her hardest to keep her composure.

He watched her eyes flutter closed, humming as she tasted the food. Trying to keep his thoughts in safe territory was getting harder to do.

“Mmm! This is really good–,” her gaze flitted between him and the food before she slowly gestured some food to him in return. The rise and fall of his chest slowed; he swore that some part of him died every time her big brown eyes stared at him like that.

But he still held her gaze anyway, accepting the food without question– his heart drumming in his chest at the way his mouth was what held her interest.

“I agree. Smart of you to cut back on the pomegranate babe. You made the level of sweetness just right.”

Knots that formed when she initially told him to leave started twisting around in his stomach at her expression, but he loaded the fork again and decided to only comment on it if he noticed it again.

A silence possessed them and they kept feeding each other– Sydney dared to stare back at him a couple of times which tickled a particular nerve but he ignored it. The food on the plate was all gone. Sydney passed him a napkin, he got them some water and Sydney looked everywhere but at him when they were finished. His earlier proposal was suddenly a stale stench similar to that of an inconsistently deep-cleaned kitchen.

She broke the silence first. “Uh, thanks for this.”

‘No problem’ didn’t feel like an honest response. “Yeah.”

Her feet were uprooted back to the floor, the couch creaking at the distance she created. “So… Do you have anywhere you need to be?”

He scoffed. “My sister wants some space from me and I don’t have a job, or an activity or group I have to get to, so no.”

“Okay… I’m going to wash this.” She sprung up and Luca heard the water trickling, him assuming the tap was barely turned. The sweetness and curry flavour was mostly gone. He squeezed the edge of the couch to keep himself together. Fuck. He was certain he sounded more annoyed, no, bitter than he would ever intend to around anyone, let alone Syd. That’s not the kind of person he was–

She came back, a slight frown on her perfect lips but she still chose to join him on the couch. “I put some of the food in containers for you. Maybe it can be a sort of peace offering for your Dani? I’m grateful I got to make it with you.”

“That’s a sweet idea. I don’t think anything that involves me bugging her will help, but I hope it does.”

“Me too.”

Silence befell them yet again. Syd fiddled with her hands in her lap and peered towards the door, but Luca was fixed on acting like he didn’t get the hint; he wanted to hear her say it.

“You said that after, after we were done eating…” she trailed off. He stood up straighter. “...That you would leave, right?”

Okay. He didn’t want to hear her say that. He really didn’t. “So you want me gone? Is that it?”

“What? No– I mean, not exactly.”

He shook his head. “Not exactly? So what, you were going to waste time finding more ways to get me to leave instead of straight up telling me to piss off?”

“Lu… No. That’s not what I meant–”. She reached out to touch his face.

“I don’t fucking understand it. Do you only accept pricks who don’t even fucking respect you–?”

Too far. Her fingertips grazed his cheek then her entire body reeled back, her eyes so wide he could probably see all the other times she felt like that if she let him. I’ve fucked up. Too fucking far.

“I’m fucked for saying that. I’m sorry–”.

“-Is that how you really feel?”

“Syd, I have never lied to you about how I feel about you.”

“But you do think I’m stupid, huh?”

“That’s not what I said–”.

“But that’s what you think, isn’t it? That- that I’m too messed up to deserve anything good? That I’m stupid and I make dumb decisions and get in stupid fucked situations because of it?”

She wrapped her arms around herself, her nails digging into her shoulder. The shine over her eyes as she turned her back was unmistakable; he’d seen them look that way before, and now he had to shamefully remember he caused it that time.

“Syd, that’s not what I think.”

“Really? Didn’t you say the same thing, just in a different way a couple of days ago? Please.”

Her voice went low halfway into the sentence. The please felt like a plea more than anything. Luca ran his hand through his hair, scrambling for the right words as he stared at her back.

“I know– I know what I said was messed up. That’s on me.”

“I told you all of that in confidence. Carmen is the only other person I told, for obvious reasons. You threw that back in my face.”

“I know, and I’m sorry for that–”.

“But…?”

“This is– You are confusing, sometimes.”

“I meant what I said, you know.”

“‘We’re just messing around. You’ll be gone in less than three months.’ Yeah, it’s very clear that you did.”

She swivelled around, with a face that looked like she just bit into a lemon. “The second thing is literally a fact. ‘I’m not sure I have the bandwidth to start anything’. I said that too.”

“I remember. I’m just finding it hard to believe you don’t want to start anything.”

She said nothing for a while: “Why?”

He wrung his hand through his hair again. He was unsure where to start, let alone end with that. “You… Take today for example: You called me up and asked me to come over. Sure, you tried to get me to leave, but did you call anyone else before me? Did someone else come to mind when you were upset?”

“Who would I call?”

“Your dad?”

“My dad’s… My dad. He has his own problems and I definitely don’t want him worrying about me; I give him enough reasons to as is.”

“So no one else comes to mind? Nobody?”

Her arms went lax at her sides. “If this is about– I wouldn’t have told you if it was going to lead to this. I shouldn’t have told you.”

Luca noticed her fidgeting and her head hanging low. He wanted nothing more than to kiss her, to help her understand how he really felt because if there was anything lost in translation he wanted to set it straight. He settled for moving along the couch.

“Syd, I’m so grateful that you told me. It just sucks, to know that at the same time”.

She waved her arms, her head shaking in the direction of the floor. Their eyes met all the same.

“I care about you so so so much. I hate to see you not be happy. So it kills me when you’re in ‘stupid fucked situations’.

“You think I do it to myself?”

“You know the answer to that question. That’s not what bothers me.” When she says nothing for a while he continues: “I hate how you beat yourself up over making mistakes. They’re unavoidable and we all make them. But honestly? I don’t like that you, or a part of you, wants something– someone else.”

An infinite number of emotions ghosted over Sydney’s features, but what settled was softness, her brows furrowed and her lips struggling to stay upturned.

“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to, Luca.”

He flinched. “That’s not what I’m saying.”

“Are you saying you’re… Jealous?” She blurted one.

“Yes…,” he replied in a whisper. She straightened her posture. He expected her to turn away again, but she shifted so she was fully facing him despite their distance.

“What… What do you want me to do with that?”

There was a sobering quality to admitting that aloud. Of course, there was nothing she could do. But he let it wilt at their relationship. He was afraid she let her feelings do the same. Every time she said she was tired, or that things were okay, those thoughts crept up on him. He wasn’t like that. He never wanted to be like that. Someone so easily swayed by his emotions. The people he cared about deserved better than that.

He’d done so well in recent years.

Except for his time at Ever.

He’d never known competition like that, and it broke him down at first. But he stood up, stronger than before. There was a silver lining. He learned to take it easy in a way he didn’t know was possible. In the kitchen, in his career, he smiled in surrender, at coming second, third last. With Syd? Pretending was futile. He couldn’t deny to himself, that number one was the only number that mattered. No amount of positive thinking would make that less true.

He wanted her too much. He wanted her to want him too.

“You can’t control how I feel. The only thing I want you to do is to stop holding on to the bullshit because you don’t have to.”

“Okay…”.

“You’re an incredible woman. You’re loving, everyone who takes the time loves you in return, and you create beautiful things out of nothing. And… You could have so much more… More good, ready things just for you,” he exclaimed, trying to swallow a lump in his throat.

Sydney showed her pearly white teeth. “And you think you’re one of those things?”

His head perked up. “Yes, I do Syd.”

Maybe it was arrogant, but he didn’t care. He meant it. He knew Sydney knew he meant it too. She folded her left leg under herself and after staring back at him she opened her mouth, then closed it again. He saw her swallow.

“So, where do we go from here?”

“Nowhere. I’m trying to be here for you but, every time it’s as if you find a new way to push me away. I feel like I’m getting closer, then, bam. Your– The walls are still up. I don’t know–”.

He jolted at the feel of her skin against his own, her soft hands holding his right hand and bringing it to where her heart was.

“That’s not true! No– l meant to say–,” her lips pursed as she took in a few breaths, “-I know. And I’m sorry I can’t promise you I will stop doing that soon. I can, it’s just… This is a lot.”

“I know it is. I wish you would let me in. Show me you want to.”

“I’ll show you, I swear…,” she declared, her voice so low he leaned closer.

“How, Syd?”

She climbed into his lap and took his hand in hers again. “I don’t know. Can you… Do you still want to show me how?”

A sigh threatened to leave his lips, his free hand feeling the softness of her hip. The tip of his nose grazed the bridge of hers, the sweet smell of her drawing him closer.

“Lu…”.

He was uncertain about the depth of her words, but he felt the thinly veiled need that was consuming her also, her depths of brown pulling him in. “Syd. Of course I do.”

He was super careful not to bump into anything, her legs tightly wrapped around his waist and their tongues feverishly colliding on their way to her bedroom. It was far from how he believed coming over would turn out, but he would forever be elated at how wrong he was.

She was sprawled out under him. The black and gold patterned duvet beneath her was a background, and she was the centrepiece. Perfect. Just as what was meant to be. He knew she couldn’t be any other way. And he didn’t want her to be.

His hands rested on both sides of her head. Her eyes were blown out, and the way she visibly shivered under his gaze sent a jolt straight down his body, her nipples peeking under her jersey.

No. His jersey, a light blue Emirates one that she wore like it was always hers to begin with. He was lucky the groceries kept his hands occupied. It was one more thing restraining him from picking her up and fondling her breasts the second she opened her door for him.

His jersey partially covered a pair of cute white shorts that accentuated her smooth legs and he swallowed. He kneaded the flesh of her thighs, earning a soft whine from her.

The air around them grew warmer, his hand slipping under her shorts. Her breath hitched.

He felt her staring as his eyes widened a fraction: He expected another layer of fabric, but he skimmed her core, a generous wetness on the tips of his fingers. Her hips jerked at the contact. He stilled and peered at her in question: Her answer being her parted lips and her eyes that were half-lidded with lust as she moved her core closer to his touch. No panties. Fuck me.

In a fluid motion, he pulled the shorts off her, his heartbeat drumming in his ears and his earlier thoughts flooding the front of his mind.

Meeting her face-to-face again, he held her face in his hands and kissed her deeply, pushing his tongue into her mouth. He smiled wide as she desperately tried to catch his tongue between her lips, her small sounds like gentle music. He pulled away for a second when she almost got him, her fingers tugging at his hair sending sparks straight down to his pants. She grinded against him and he shivered, removing her from his hair and pinning her wrists above her head.

Soon their conjoined moans and sighs were the only sound filling their ears. Luca alternated between licking and skimming his teeth along her neck, the action making her writhe under him frantically for more friction, her hot breath fanning over his ear.

“Lu– Agh!”

Worried, he pulled back for a second and she seized the opportunity to kiss him again. His breath was taken at the way she circled her tongue with his. She caught him between her lips and began sucking in earnest. Luca groaned harshly in her mouth, his grip on her wrists tightening and the hardness in his pants became difficult to ignore. He gave into her for a few more moments, then briskly pulled away, the sight of saliva around her mouth making him twitch.

The jersey was bunched above her shoulders and her naked body was on display for his greedy sight. To think he was fantasising about her a few hours ago… He wanted to flip her around to kiss and worship her tattoos too, but he refused to get distracted as he leaned down to her smooth skin.

“Fuck, Lu– Ah!”

His mouth descended on her left nipple, and he switched to his left hand holding her wrists, with his free hand pinching and rolling her right nipple. She gasped, her legs naturally falling open as he moved his knee between them. When he was done sucking, he blew on it, Sydney’s hips jerking up into his knee in response. He pulled the jersey over her head and then came back to repeat the process, his face feeling like it was on fire at the sweet sounds Sydney made.

A chuckle left his wet lips as he playfully nipped at her breast before pulling away. For a second, her eyebrows raised at the loss of contact, but swiftly relaxed again as he kissed down her body. He stared at her between the valley of her breasts as he went further and further down.

“Y-you’re killing me, Lu,” she whined, her voice hopelessly needy, but she couldn't care less. Feeling the gentle breeze of his breath on her core was driving her crazy, and when his nose bumped her clit she had to bite her tongue, tears at the corner of her eyes.

“Mmm...”.

He licked a long stripe over her pussy and bumped her clit again, and Sydney grabbed his hair, her head spun. The palms of his hands were invitingly warm against her thighs as he pulled them open, a firm grip on them that kept her from closing them and she threw her head back as his tongue entered her core.

Her hips lifted off the bed, her sweet spot frustratingly grazed with every gentle swirl of his tongue. She couldn’t believe she considered denying herself his presence for a second, his touch teasing out all the stress and worry from her limbs, leaving simmering pleasure in its place.

She mused for a brief moment that she may be pulling too tight on his hair, but that was swiftly forgotten. He pulled back and a shiver crawled up her neck as he spat on her core, capturing her clit in his mouth and slipped two fingers inside her. An involuntary sound caught between a moan and a scream left her throat and she was too swept up in bliss to care about anything other than his hands on her.

He licked her clit, a laser-focused precision with his alternating circular movements and his hungry sucking. Her thighs ached with the effort of trying to them together while his fingers glided in and out of her with ease, the sound of her wetness making her face grow hot. She took a moment to peer down at him. He was buried between her legs, and she felt something in her swell at the way his eyes were closed, his muffled moans telling of just how happy he was to be there, with her.

It wasn’t long until her hips were bucking into his mouth instinctually, her core pulsating and her clit a sensitive bud that ached with arousal at his touch. She was so close the decor of her bedroom began to blur in the corners, but her vision snapped back into focus when his warm mouth let go of her.

She shook her head quickly, he couldn’t just stop right there; that was criminal as far as she was concerned. Her eyes flitted over his entire face but she couldn’t read him, so she settled for manoeuvring him back where she needed him to be.

He resisted and despite being confident she could pull him back, the less horny side of her wondered if something was still bothering him. She wanted their relationship to work. She needed it too.

“Why did you stop?”

Another smile (a smirk really), spread across his face at her words; they came out like a single breath rather than a sentence.

“No reason,” he responded. He gave her sex a string of kisses, his lips lingering too little it made her whine and tighten her grip on his hair. “I just want this to last forever.”

Her shoulders relaxed a bit, but the strumming in her body persisted and was screaming out to be settled.

“That’s sweet,” she expressed, her hands gently guiding him back between her legs, “But, maybe we can have this conversation later?”

A sigh of relief fizzled out on her tongue when Luca stared up at her, another unreadable emotion on his face.

“Sure...” She shivered at the sensation of his tongue running between her slit, and her eyes fluttered closed again, “...But can you answer something for me?”

An exasperated sigh made her accidentally yank the hair she was holding onto. She fought back the urge to stop herself from rolling her eyes, but a nip at her bundle of nerves had her do it anyway, and her eyes fell back to him. She bit her lip as she nodded.

“Do you need me?”

Her neck rolled and her lip jutted out in response. That was the last thing she expected him to ask. Did she need him? She was scared to need anyone, but… Lying wasn’t even an option in her mind.

“Yeah. I do need you. That’s… I do.”

The combination of her wetness around his mouth and his eyebrows pinned at an angle had her holding back a giggle. After a couple of seconds she calmed down, spying the shine in his vision and the urge to sit up despite herself hitting her like a train.

Something shifted in his eyes and any questions that arose got swept away by his tongue. She was thinly aware of the sounds she was making as his tongue pistoned inside her slick folds again and again. She felt the sweat gathered at her hairline, her hips bucking while his thumb drew rough circles over her bud.

The muscles in her torso tightened, relaxed then tightened again in quick succession, white overwhelming her vision.

“Lu– I–I’m going– Ah! I’m going t–to–”.

A particular swipe at her sweet spot and she was done. Her body jolted, her hips rolling on his tongue that dutifully drew out every ounce of bliss she had to release. She definitely had to apologise for his scalp later, but she needed something stable to hold onto as she fell apart. Her entire body was inescapably hot as her orgasm drew to a close, her core pulsating and her heartbeat loud in her head as she tried to catch her breath.

Her head hit the pillow with a soft thump. She groaned at the feeling of Luca’s mouth leaving her., the cool air hitting her like a tidal wave. Her limbs turned limp with the high of her pleasure dissolving, but she managed a blissed-out smile as she watched him lick away at her damp thighs and around his mouth.

“Uh, my barber is going to have so many questions for me.”

A low laugh fell from her lips at his words and she realised there was one thing she really needed to do. He tilted his head at what was likely an intense expression on her face as she clung her fingers to his neck.

“Come here.”

She pulled him close to her before he could respond, instantly sighing in his mouth at her taste on his tongue. The weight of him on top had her nails pinching at his neck, his skin so hot she couldn’t decipher where either of them was apart in any capacity– she was shamelessly giddy at the idea.

Suddenly he forced them to come up for air, similar reluctance apparent as he pulled away to gaze at her.

“Syd, do you still want…? Augh–!”

She pulled down the waistband of his sweatpants and boxers and stroked his hard-on, eliciting a lewd groan from him. Holding one side of his face and her lips upturned with admiration, she felt certainty seep into her skin as he stared back at her with a dazed but hopeful glint in his blue eyes.

“I want you to come back tomorrow.”

Luca's teeth pulled her bottom lip, content smiles shared between them as his lips joined with hers once more. Their harmonised moans seeped into every corner of the apartment, and the comfort of tomorrow settled in their hearts.