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I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,
But something 'bout it felt like home somehow and I
Left my scarf there at your sister's house,
And you still got it in your drawer even now.
Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze.
We’re singing in the car, getting lost upstate.
The Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place,
And I can picture it after all these days.
And I know it's long gone and
That magic's not here no more
And I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all
2 years after...
“Hi, Dara. How are you?”, Jiyong’s mom greeted when she saw me coming through the front door.
I bowed my head and tell her everything’s fine and asked her the same.
“I’m good. I’ve missed you!”, she exclaimed while standing up and hugging me tightly.
I bit the inside of my cheeks and willed myself not to cry in front of her. I exhaled and forced a smile on my face.
“I’ve missed you too”, I told her sincerely and hugged her back. Because I did. I missed her. I missed how she treated me like I’m one of her kids, I missed how I can lean on her like how I do with my mom. I missed her, and I regret how we’ve been lately just because...
“Let’s go?”, I heard him asked behind me, as he locks their front door.
“Let’s go.”, I whispered back. I followed him to his room and sighed upon seeing the familiar setup. This is my happy place two years ago, but now...
“So… been awhile huh?”, he started. I froze because everything is coming back. All the memories I kept for two long years are overflowing. Too much. This is too much.
“Dara?”, he asked with concern in his voice. “Are you okay?”
“I need a breather.”, I whispered. And just like that he knew what to do. He stood up from the bed and went out, no questions asked.
I looked around the room, feeling that familiar pang in my heart, how time flies and things and people changed. How I changed. Or so I thought I changed. Guess I did not.
'Cause there we are again on that little town street
You almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over at me
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well
Photo album on the counter
Your cheeks were turning red
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed
And your mother's telling stories 'bout you on the tee ball team
You told me about your past, thinking your future was me
2 years ago…
“Babe, when we get married and we bought that house you want downtown, will you still love me even if I won't always help with the house chores?”, Jiyong asked while we're cuddling in his bed and watching a movie I picked. Too cheesy for him and that's why I know he's getting bored and his mind is not with the movie anymore. Typical Kwon, I see.
I sighed and peered up to meet his questioning eyes, “Hey, eyes on the screen”
“You know what, let's not do this today. I'm calling movie date nights off right now.”, he said and was about to stop the movie because he's reaching for the remote control.
“Hey! You're the last one who picked a movie and I never said a thing when it was Iron Man.”, I said while nudging him not to move.
He gasped. And oops. I knew I offended him. Park 1 - Kwon 0.
“How dare you imply that Iron Man was boring!”, he uttered with disbelief.
I laughed out loud and gave him a bear hug. Movie forgotten. “That's just a joke!”
“But to answer your question, even if you're an occasional lazy ass when we get married. I will still love you.”, I continued while still giving him a hug.
“I'm excited to have that life with you!”, he exclaimed and kissed my forehead.
I snorted because he's unbelievable, “Don't even think about it. That's a faaaaaaaaar future.”
And I know it's long gone and
There was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to
I wiped the single tear that escaped while reminiscing our old relationship. Past is past. I know. But I still feel it like it all happened just yesterday. The love, the happiness, the pain, the sadness, the separation. I remember them all. I still feel them all. Like it was yesterday.
I stood up from the bed and walked at the part of the room where his display cabinet is placed. I was about to touch the glass but I froze, because inside the cabinet was.. us. Our pictures, our memories, our couple things.
'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night
We're dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah
“Happy 5th Anniversary!”, he immediately said as I entered his room. He walked towards me and held my face and gave me a long kiss until we are both breathless.
“Happy Anniversary, babe!”, I cheered as I gave him a hug.
“I love you!”, he exclaimed and gave me another kiss.
Little did I know, he's taking a picture of us kissing. Ew gross.
“Delete that!”, I shouted and tried to reach for the phone but he extended his arm up the ceiling so I can't take it.
“Babe, this is our memory! We should save it!”
Maybe we got lost in translation
Maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece
'Til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well
Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all
Too well
“Is it true?”
“What is?”
“That you slept with Kiko, the Japanese transfer student?”
“What? How did you get that idea? Kiko is just a classmate.”
“Then will you explain this?”
I saw the shock in his face when I put down the pictures I am holding. These were sent by none other than Kiko. The pictures show that Jiyong was there, lying beside her.
“I.. uhhh… I don't-- how-- wha---”, he stuttered. Utter shock apparent in his face and body.
I started to break down. He's confused. And so am I.
“What happened to us?”, I whispered.
Silence.
Fuck bitches. Fuck hoes who can ruin a relationship to get what they want. Fuck couples who can't stay loyal to each other. Fuck couples who can't stay together through thick and thin. And fuck me for doing this to us.
I gasped. These chain of memories are so cruel. I thought I forgot about them all. I thought I’ve moved on.
I wiped my tears away as a knock was heard at the door. It was Jiyong.
“You can come in now.”, I uttered for him to hear me.
As the door opened and closed after a second, I fixed my gaze by the window, intentionally not giving him a chance to look at me.
I can feel that he stood near my back. I can feel him close, but still not close enough.
“I didn't know that my sister will contact you, and invite you here.”, he started to explain.
“It's fine. I also wanted to go..”, I tell him.
“Why?”, he asked.
“Because I want to put our past behind us and truly move on from each other.”
'Cause there we are again when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well
“Dara! Dara! Babe! Please open the door. I need to explain. Give me a chance. Please, babe! Dara!”, I was sitting on the floor, back on our front door, crying silently while listening to his voice slowly break.
“Babe, please?”, he whispered with a wet voice behind the door. And that was the last straw, I let out a loud sob, allowing myself to feel all the pain.
What did happen to us? What did I do to us?
“I'm sorry if I didn't give you the chance to explain. I'm sorry for not contacting you for two years. I was weak. I was hurting. I was devastated.”, I told him, deciding to look at him in the eyes while saying all these. Because it's true. I was a coward that night. I was so afraid to face the fact that everything is ruined by me. That I ruined us. And so I ran away.
I went to my where my Aunt lives and transferred school there. In another county.
“Babe..”, he replied and everything in me froze. That endearment. I never knew I needed to hear it again after all this time. Two years after, and I'm still the same. Still weak when it comes to him. All the resolve I have was slowly fading.
“I think you owe me an explanation of why you ran away.”, Jiyong said, and he's right. He has the right to know. Even just a little truth.
“To be honest, it's because I was definitely scared of the truth. I knew our relationship will end if I faced you. I knew everything about us will be gone. Will change. If we talked it out. And most importantly, it's because of the fact that all of my resolve will crumble once I saw you. You're honestly the one I'm so afraid to face.”, I said it all at once and didn't even notice the tears I'm spilling.
“But Dara, I was there. I was there in your front door everyday. Waiting for you to speak to me. Waiting for you to finally give me a chance to explain. I was there, crumbling everyday. It was all unfair, you knew Kiko was lying but you never gave me a chance to talk. I was even there when your mom told me you're migrating somewhere. I was there, my world breaking apart. It fucking hurts, babe.”
“I'm so sorry, Jiyong.”, I cried out. That's all I can say for all the things that I've done.
“But you know what's wrong with me? You left me alone here without saying anything but I still waited, because for all the shits you've given me, I still fucking love you.”, he said.
Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again
But I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone
But you keep my old scarf
From that very first week
'Cause it reminds you of innocence
And it smells like me
You can't get rid of it
'Cause you remember it all too well, yeah
"I love you too, Jiyong. So much." I can't say it out loud but my mind is speaking volumes.
“Stop it, Jiyong. We ended us 2 years ago and I'm just here to at least say sorry. We can’t be together anymore, Jiyong. It's all over.”, I said weakly.
“We didn't end us. You ended us.”, is all he said.
Shit. I wanted this for myself didn't I? I'm such a mess.
I heard him unlocking his display cabinet with our memories in there. I saw him putting all those in a box. I watch him doing all these with tears streaming down his cheeks.
“Here. I think you should have all of these then. They don't have use in here anymore. Throw them, burn them, I don't care.”, he said while handing me the box. Anger seething out of him.
I silently walked towards the door, the box in my hand.
“Goodbye, babe.”, I whispered.
“Don't ever let me see your face again.”, Jiyong whispered back.
Funny how he said he still loves me but now tells me to fuck off. Funny how he had all the right to act this way because I'm the fucker who ruined us.
Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well
2 years ago…
“Dara, I need you to be ready.”, our family doctor said.
“You are diagnosed with a disease called Lupus. This is incurable and the medication will be hard.”, my whole world stopped.
“This disease will ruin your immune system. We can't cure the disease itself but we can cure the complications that will come with it. We can extend your life and you can be as healthy as you are right now but you need to be very very careful.”
“How long will I live?”, I found myself asking. All I can really think of is Jiyong.
Gasp. Jiyong. How will he handle this?
“You need to tell Jiyong too.”, I heard my mother said weakly while crying.
Oh my God, Jiyong.
---
“Babe, I was invited to a party for the newcomer in our class. Can I go?”, Jiyong asked.
“Sure”.
---
“Hello? Kiko? I need to ask a favor from you. I need you to take pictures…”
----
“Dara! Dara! Babe! Please open the door. I need to explain. Give me a chance. Please, babe! Dara..”
“You should probably be honest with him instead of doing this.”, my father comforted me while I'm crying miserably in front of the closed door.
“I can't. I can't give him a different kind of heartbreak. Because when I die, I know he'll still love me so much and he'll be alone for the rest of his life. I can't do that to him, dad. I just--”, I sobbed.
THE END