Chapter Text
1
Damen’s head spinned. He felt as if he was on a ship, constantly pushed and pulled by the waves. He couldn’t keep his eyes open no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t move an inch and only darkness surrounded him. Damen didn’t understand what was happening. He only remembered Kastor falling in the puddle of his own blood and the sound of Laurent’s knees hitting the ground, pressing his hands into Damen’s side. He couldn’t think about Kastor now, it hurt too much. Where is Laurent? Where is he? He felt the heaviness settle on his chest and crush him until he lost all the feeling in his body.
When he woke again, his mouth was as dry as sand he so often felt beneath his feet on the beaches of Ios. His side hurt so hard that it was impossible to draw breath without clenching his teeth in the process. He tried to open his eyes, heavy, not willing to cooperate and stinging. For a fleeting moment he was scared that he went blind but then he succeeded and his eyelids opened. His vision was blurry, the shapes around him didn’t make any sense. Where am I? Am I dying? He turned his head, each movement making the pain in his temples explode violently, until he saw a light figure sitting on his right. He blinked once, he blinked twice until he saw the white chiton and the gold of his hair.
“Laurent,” he rasped but he couldn’t even understand what he said. “Laurent,” he tried again louder even though his tongue felt too big to fit in his mouth.
Laurent must have been asleep. He sat on the heavy chair beside the bed, his head hanging down his left shoulder. He was still pale and dirty, dried blood staining the whiteness of his chiton. Damen willed himself to move the hand that was closer to Laurent, nudging him as hard as he could in that state. Laurent jerked immediately, his eyes opening, and his arm turned to the silver that was leaning against his calf. It’s a sword. When Laurent saw the brown of Damen’s eyes, he stilled completely, his mouth opening in shock. He threw himself at Damen, placing a cold hand on his cheek. He tried to speak but Damen beat him to it. He remembered the hot blood seeping from his side and felt determination flow through his veins. He didn’t know if he had the time.
“Laurent, listen to me,” he said, his voice still rough. “I love you. I love you so much. Please, forgive me for all the pain I caused you, for Auguste,” Damen whispered, feeling how his throat tightened. “I should have said all of that earlier but I couldn’t find the words that would be right. I love you no matter what happens.”
Laurent’s eyes widened. He shook his head, his golden hair flowing around his head. The touch on his cheek became heavier, determined and strong.
“Do not speak to me like you’re dying.” His voice was sharp like a blade. “You’re not dying. You cannot die. I won’t let you.”
Damen would smile if he had the strength. He wanted to say that even princes don’t have that kind of power but he decided against it. Those words wouldn’t help them. He nuzzled against Laurent’s hand, trying to memorise the feel of it. He didn’t know what would happen to him, he didn’t know how much blood he had lost, he didn’t even know how many days had passed. All he needed to know was that Laurent was here with him, safe and unharmed. He couldn’t die without telling Laurent he loved him.
“Paschal says you lost a lot of blood but there’s no fever and no infection. He says you just need to rest. Do you understand it, Damen? If you think I’ll let you leave me, you are a fucking fool.”
Damen saw the violent determination in Laurent’s cold eyes, the way he shook with anger and tenacity. He wanted to take him in his arms and hold him but couldn’t. He was too weak. He wanted to say that he wouldn’t dare die, that Laurent’s wrath scared him more than death’s clutches themselves, that he wouldn’t go with death if she came for him. Instead, his eyes closed and darkness took him again. He thought he heard I love you, too from Laurent’s lips but he didn’t know if his head imagined it.
-
When Damen opened his eyes again, the shapes and colours around him finally made sense. He felt stronger, breathing came easier to him even though he still felt sharp pain in his side whenever he moved just an inch. He turned his head and Laurent was there in the same chair he had sat earlier. How much time has passed? Laurent must have bathed, his skin and hair were clean and he was wearing his blue laces, mercilessly tightened around his frame. He sat with his legs propped on the chair, his cheek resting against his knees. His breathing was even and Damen knew he was sleeping. He wanted to wake him and he almost reached for him until he decided against it. How long has he been sitting here? He should rest. But Laurent must have sensed the movement because he lifted his head and blinked sleepily, his eyes blurry. The cheek that was resting on his knees was red.
“Laurent,” Damen said and this time his voice was stronger. “Water, please.”
Laurent threw himself to the cabinet beside the bed and clasped the cup of water, touching it gently to Damen’s lips. Damen sipped carefully, feeling Laurent’s hand on the back of his head. The water was so good he almost cried. His throat hurt when he swallowed the water but his mind became clearer with every sip. A little bit of water trickled down his chin and Laurent wiped it gently with his sleeve. Damen felt warmth in his chest.
“Do you want more? Do you need something for the pain?”
Damen shook his head and saw Laurent set the cup aside. Laurent sat on the chair and laced his fingers together, his big eyes observing Damen carefully. He looked almost shy.
“There’s one thing I need,” Damen said. “Come here.”
He lifted his arm to make space for Laurent who blinked twice but didn’t move from his place on the chair. He jerked and then stopped as if torn between two decisions. Damen moved his arm again to encourage him to lie beside him. He needed to hold Laurent in his arms or else he’d go mad.
“I don’t want to aggravate the wound.”
“You won’t. Come here, Laurent.”
He stood slowly and lay down gently on the bed, curling himself into Damen’s side, his head resting on his bare breast. Damen embraced him as gently as he could, trying not to put any pressure on the wound. Laurent placed one pale hand over Damen’s heart as if to protect him.
“Now, that’s better,” Damen murmured into Laurent’s soft hair, breathing in the clean smell of soap.
He felt how tense Laurent was so he began rubbing his arm through the thick layers of laces. They were silent and Damen tried to guess Laurent’s thoughts. He couldn’t let himself think about Kastor and the cold blade he felt in his side, the blood pooling on the ground, the way he thought Laurent would fall beside him as if in a nightmare. Not now. Now, he needed to have Laurent in his arms, he needed to…
“You thought I wouldn’t come."
Laurent jerked at the sound of his voice and then stilled completely, not saying anything.
“You thought I wouldn’t come. I saw it in your eyes.”
Silence. Damen learned that he was slow, slower than Laurent, slower than most people around him when it came to deceit and schemes. He came to know it months ago, though he should have earlier. He repeated the words in his head, waiting for Laurent’s contradiction. And then it hit him. And when it did, he choked on his breath. It can’t be true. The feeling of dread washed over him, filling his heart and his belly, making his heart beat faster. He truly thought he was alone.
“No,” he said, barely hearing himself over the noise he heard in his ears. “Tell me it’s not true. Tell me you wouldn’t-”
Laurent tightened his hold on Damen’s chest and sighed shakily.
“I wouldn’t win and I knew it,” he said finally. “He planted the seeds many years ago, Damen. He poisoned everyone around me with his words, he poisoned me. No one would follow me, no one would serve me. I couldn’t win against him because he created me, Damen.”
Damen shook his head, panic and anguish still gripping his heart. He couldn’t breathe.
“He would have had leverage over you. Sooner or later you would have turned yourself in for the child simply because it could have been yours, I knew it. I just had to be quicker than you. Then your hands wouldn’t have been tied and you could have defeated him after my death.”
Laurent stopped to draw breath, sniffling quietly. Damen wanted to protest, wanted to shout that he didn’t want to hear it anymore, he wanted to shake him, he wanted to hold him and tell him how wrong he was.
“He would have found a way to tell you about-”
Damen felt his muscles tighten, the memory of the Kingsmeet flashing before his eyes. He has knelt for me. He died too easily with too little pain. He deserved far worse, he deserved to die screaming, to choke in the puddle of his own blood. Damen saw Regent’s face before him and imagined his fists beating and beating until the face was no longer recognisable, until it was only bloody meat. But he had to contain his rage now. What have I done? What have I done? Damen knew it was Regent’s hands that harmed Laurent, though he couldn’t stop the crawling feeling of regret and pain. If I hadn’t killed Auguste-
“He would have told you and you would have been disgusted with me, you would have hated me.”
“You thought I would have hated you.”
Laurent was silent for a long time before he wiped his cheek impatiently. Damen felt his tears hit his skin anyway. He felt foolish again. He saw, he felt Laurent’s tenseness on the night they made love for the first time, he saw how uncomfortable he was on his knees, how tense he was receiving pleasure, how hesitant he was to take the initiative. He remembered asking him if there had been someone to comfort him after Auguste’s death. He closed his eyes, feeling nauseous. The answers were before him the whole time.
“Yes,” Laurent whispered.
“Never,” Damen said, his voice low and determined. “Never. It wasn’t your fault no matter how many times he told you otherwise. Do you understand it, Laurent?”
His arms shook. His entire body shook with vicious rage, filling his veins with fire. He felt his cheeks blush with fury. Laurent, his sweet and brave Laurent. How could anyone do this to a child? To your brother’s son. How could I not see?
“I begged him to stay, Damen.”
“To protect you as a family should.”
Laurent shook his head.
“He said he’d tell everyone that me and Auguste-”
“Laurent-”
“You don’t understand. I let him-”
“You didn’t let him do anything, Laurent!” Damen said a little too loudly so he calmed himself. Laurent didn’t need his rage right now. “You were just a child. Just a little child.”
Laurent finally broke. At first, his shoulders shook and then his entire body began trembling. Laurent cried, tears flowing down his reddened cheeks. The sounds coming from Lauren’s throat hurt Damen, everything hurt so much. He felt his throat tense so he began rubbing Laurent’s shoulder protectively to chase the feeling away. Damen knew Laurent had to cry, cry for the lost years, for every time Regent hurt him, cry for all that was lost the day Damen drew his sword in Marlas. So he held him until Laurent calmed.
“I’d raise him from the dead just to kill him with my bare hands. I’d kill him slowly and then I’d throw his head at your feet. That’s what he deserved.”
Laurent was silent. His tears were drying on Damen’s chest and his skin was covered in a thin layer of sweat. Damen kissed his forehead, caressing his cheek with one finger.
“I was so scared,” Laurent said in a small voice.
Damen didn’t ask if he meant the trial or the long seven years when he was alone. He couldn’t. He had to close his eyes to stop the hot tears from flowing. Laurent gave himself up for Damen. Laurent would get himself killed. He knew they’d give him a death sentence. And before the death sentence… Damen shuddered, turning his back on the thought that flooded his mind. No. He’s safe in my arms now.
“Laurent, when they took you away, did they-”
“No,” he answered shortly and relief flooded Damen.
Laurent shuddered again as if a sudden memory struck him and he pressed his cheek harder to Damen’s chest.
“I know, my love, I know,” he said gently, pressing another kiss to Laurent’s forehead. “You’re safe now. I won’t let anyone touch you again.”
Damen knew Laurent didn’t need protection but he also knew he’ll kill anyone who even tries to raise their hands to Laurent again.
“I know you won´t.”
They were silent and Damen thought Laurent fell asleep but then he stirred, sitting up carefully. His eyes and cheeks were reddened, his lips trembled. He wiped his eyes and nose, sniffling.
“You should rest, Damen.”
Damen shook his head, grasping his hand. He’d go mad if Laurent left now.
“Laurent, I’m afraid I can only rest with you in my arms.”
Laurent searched his face, shaking his head wistfully. He didn’t withdraw his hand but he tensed visibly. He turned his gaze to his knees, eyeing them intensely.
“Even after what I told you? How could you possibly want me in your bed now?”
Damen clutched his hand tighter, trying to look Laurent in the eye. He thought again about Laurent’s walls. If Laurent thought Damen would leave him, he was as mistaken as he had never been before. Laurent stubbornly didn’t meet his eyes. Fine. He didn’t need to look at him to hear the truth.
“It’s for me to decide, not you,” Damen whispered. “Nothing will change my feelings for you. Laurent, if you had died, I would be lost. The throne, the entire fucking kingdom wouldn’t be able to make the pain of losing you go away. Don’t you know how much you mean to me?”
He wondered briefly if he had told Laurent about his love or if he had only imagined it in pain and fear of death. Damen decided that if Laurent didn’t know how precious he was to him, he’d show him. Show him everyday for the rest of his life. Laurent lifted his head, finally looking Damen in the eye. His cheeks were flushed and he smiled faintly, laying down again to curl himself into Damen’s side. Damen kept caressing Laurent’s arm, pressing kisses to his temple from time to time. Laurent’s hair was so soft under his lips.
“The child isn’t mine,” Damen said before he could decide against it.
He felt Laurent stiffen. He raised his head and looked Damen in the eye, his features filled with bleak satisfaction.
“I suspected that. She had to be in Kastor’s bed to convince him to let you live and she wouldn’t use your child against you.”
“Either she or that son of a bitch orchestrated it,” Damen murmured. “She left me a note. He never had the child.”
Laurent rested his side on his elbow, his eyes focused. Damen saw that face many times, he saw that face when they sat above the maps, when they discussed what they’d do next, when Laurent played cards with Volo.
“Maybe Jokaste knew I’d turn myself in before you. She’s smart and she must have seen my… affection for you when I talked to her in the cell.”
Damen smiled under his nose. Affection. The man in his arms gave his life to protect him and he called it affection . He was sure he’d see a deep blush on Laurent’s cheeks if he looked.
“Maybe she was scared you’d kill her if you knew the babe wasn’t yours, though it’s hard for me to believe it. You wouldn’t have done that because you’re too soft. If you saw her with a babe at her breast, you’d become even softer.”
Laurent was right. He couldn’t kill her and he didn’t know why. Because he loved her once or rather because he thought he loved her once? Because she was a woman and a mother of a newborn? Because it was his brother’s child she gave birth to? Or because she saved his life?
“Perhaps I’m a soft fool,” he said bitterly.
Laurent smiled gently and placed his hand on Damen’s cheek, caressing it gently. Damen nuzzled against his palm, wanting more.
“I like your softness, Damen. And the babe didn’t deserve to be orphaned.”
Damen nodded, not saying anything. Laurent was right again.
“I don’t understand her,” Damen said, frowning. “I thought she’d be my queen. I courted her and I thought she was just being prudent like a highborn lady. I thought she was perfect for me but I didn’t listen to her. She warned me about Kastor but I brushed her off. I thought she didn’t know anything about brothers and politics. It doesn’t make sense, Laurent. If she betrayed me for Kastor, then why would she hide the babe from him? Why would she bargain with Regent?”
Laurent pressed his mouth into a thin line. He searched Damen’s face and sat up, pulling his large hand into his lap. His eyes were filled with hesitance.
“Damen, can I tell you what I think happened?” Laurent asked, squeezing his hand tighter.
Damen nodded, already knowing that he wouldn’t like it. He closed his eyes and began playing with Laurent’s slender thingers, his eyes never leaving his face.
“I think that Jokaste didn’t want to be queen. I think she didn’t want you but she also didn’t want you to die.”
Damen frowned. Being queen was the highest honour an Akielon woman could receive. Jokaste would be the most powerful lady in the kingdom, the richest, the most beautiful, she’d have her own court, a palace and thousands of slaves.
“What matters to her the most is her survival and her power. Were she a queen, would she be powerful? Would she have a place on your council? Would you be faithful to her? Would Queen Jokaste have the same freedom Lady Jokaste has?”
Laurent shook his head as if answering himself.
“No, she wouldn’t. She’d have to squeeze out heirs every few years and maybe it would kill her like it did your mother. You would have allowed her to be on the council if she asked but you didn’t listen to her when she gave you counsel. And you weren’t faithful to her. Wouldn’t she have more power if she married some powerful, lovesick kyros so that she could guide his every movement? A woman like her knows how to manipulate men, though I must say it’s not hard to manipulate men. And being a queen consort doesn’t really give you any power, does it?”
Damen felt Laurent’s words turn in his head. Yes, Jokaste was intelligent. That’s what he liked about her. Her sharp mind and her cold demeanour. He knew he’d take care of her and treat with respect but was there any love between them? Was it only desire? He remembered moments he spent with Jokaste, dancing with her, kissing her hand, giving her flowers, the nights they spent in bed. He thought it was love, the warm feeling he felt in his chest when he looked at her. But when he thought of Laurent, his brave and sweet Laurent, the flame he once felt towards her wasn’t even close to the wildfire that consumed him whenever Laurent kissed him or touched him.
“I think she played you both to survive.” Laurent said when Damen didn’t answer. “I don’t want to… I don’t know if I should say it.”
“Go on, Laurent. I want to know what you think.”
Laurent nodded slowly, staring at their linked hands.
“I didn’t know Kastor but… do you think he would have treated her well? You are a better man than he was, kinder and gentler. I was given your affection and care and it would be hard for me not to crave the same now that I know how it feels, Damen,” Laurent said, blushing when he heard his own words. “Wasn’t Jokaste just spoils of war for him? He took your crown, your throne and he took your woman. I imagine she wouldn’t like being a spoil of war.”
Damen’s head hurt. He felt as if he understood everything and nothing at the same time. Laurent’s words made perfect sense to him. How could he not see it? Was he too proud to see that Jokaste simply didn’t want him? Or that the crown would only burden her shoulders?
“I think you’re right, though it pains me to admit how blind I was, how naive.”
Laurent smiled, petting Damen’s curls gently. His eyes were warm.
“I think you are a good man who wants to see the best in others and sometimes you just don’t see the evil in them. But don’t worry, I’ll see the evil in them for you.”
Damen smiled, feeling lightness in his heart. He loved when Laurent was open and soft like that. He briefly realised that his hair was clean and so was his skin. He bathed me. The thought made his heart clench. Don’t worry, I’ll see the evil in them for you. Damen smiled at the admission hidden between the lines. They had a future, they had two kingdoms, they had time.
“I may be wrong about her, you know. It’s just what I thought when I was trying to understand her motives.”
“No, I think you’re right,” Damen admitted.
Laurent took his hand away and settled it in his lap again. He looked at the wound in Damen’s side. The bandages were perfectly white and Damen wondered if it was also Laurent who redressed the wound.
“Are you hungry?” Laurent asked and then Damen’s stomach, as if on cue, grumbled.
They both laughed, though Damen’s side hurt when he did so. Laurent’s eyes glinted with relief. He knew they had many conversations before them, all of them painful but they had to wait now. Now, he needed to make sure that Laurent was alright.
“It’s good that you have the appetite. It’s a good sign. I’ll ask for broth for you.”
Laurent stood and Damen missed his presence immediately. He had to tell himself that Laurent would come back soon. Don’t be a fool.
“Will you feed me?”
Laurent stopped, raising one golden eyebrow. His smirk was delightful and he was so beautiful that Damen couldn’t breathe.
“Only if you are good,” he teased, his eyes tired but filled with hesitant joy.
Damen grinned and watched him open the doors, calling for a servant.