Chapter Text
The sun is shining brightly, painting everything around Tharn in vibrant colours. Strong arms wrap around him, a voice calling his name in unrestrained joy.
“You’re back!” Phaya looks at him, holding him by the shoulders and searching his face, eyes shining with excitement. “How are you back?!”
“Chalothon sent me here.”
“And he’s not going to keep us apart anymore?”
“No, he finally understands.”
“You’re not going to leave me again, are you?” Phaya stares at him wide-eyed and in wonder. “Do you know how much I missed you?”
Tharn laughes, overcome with happiness. “Say no more!”
He stands on tiptoes, holding on to Phaya’s shoulder blades as he reaches up, feeling Phaya’s hand in his hair...
It’s not really waking up. It’s different here. One moment Tharn is dreaming, the next he is fully awake.
It’s also the same every time he dreams of Phaya. There is an unbelievable relief filling his soul. Happiness. He is smiling with all his heart when he leans into the kiss.
He wakes up before their lips meet. Every time.
He wakes up and he knows. Knows where he is and what happened and why.
In the beginning he thought that maybe it would all fade with time. That the dreams might become less vivid and the memories less haunting, but it only keeps repeating day after day. One moment it’s Phaya, smiling, tears of joy in his eyes. One moment, it’s everything Tharn longs for.
Then he wakes up. And the first memory in his mind is always the same one. The look on Phaya’s face when he found them in the Mekong river. The mixture of pain and disbelieve coming with the realisation that Tharn has chosen to go with Chalothon. The memory of Phaya’s heart breaking.
Maybe dying would have been easier.
If Chalothon hadn’t saved him, hadn’t succeeded in bringing him to the Naga cave and healing his wounds, he wouldn’t be here. Waking up in the Naga realm every day, to the memory of the love he lost. Knowing it can never be his again.
Sometimes, he hopes that Phaya doesn’t have the same dreams. That he doesn’t share the pain Tharn finds himself in. That he can freely live the life Tharn bought for him by giving up his own.
Sometimes, the thought that Phaya is living happily without him is too much to bear.
Tharn gets up. If he stays in bed, the thoughts will only spiral. It happens sometimes and he stays under the covers, locked in his state of sorrow and regret. Not regret for his decision to protect Phaya. He would always make that choice again. But regret for everything else. For letting Phaya into his life. For not letting him in sooner. For allowing him to get hurt.
It’s another day in the Naga world. Or something like a day, maybe. Time works differently here. Tharn cannot explain it. He feels the time passing but it’s different. Sometimes hours feel like days. Sometimes it seems that days have passed and he cannot remember a single thing he did. It’s like he’s stumbling from one moment into the next, the only variation being that he sometimes stumbles into sleep and then the dreams come.
He has no idea how long he has been gone from the human world now. It could be weeks. Or months.
When he remembers Phaya’s touch, it’s like he was with him just now, only a minute ago, Tharn can still feel it, it was there, the touch of his lips, the caress of his fingers, he could swear it was all just there, it’s so close he could almost reach it, he can almost feel it again but... now he woke up and it’s not and it hurts.
It’s like a wave of ice water crashing over him. He can only hold still and wait until it subsides and he can move again. He has to move. If he doesn’t move, more thoughts will come, more memories will come.
In other moments, it feels like months. Months of being here and looking for something to change, for some new approach that can help him adjust but it’s all like the same day repeating itself endlessly.
“Once the ritual is performed, you will be able to see all of our realm. You won’t believe your eyes when you see it.”
Tharn is standing on a low slope, watching over the silver reflections of sunlight on the water of a small lake. Caught in the peaceful view, he didn’t even notice Chalothon approaching from behind.
“I still don’t think I want to go through with the ritual,” he answers although he knows it’s pointless.
Chalothon simply ignores him, like he always does. It’s one of their repeating patterns. Tharn doesn’t always comment on Chalothon’s expectations, but no matter what he says, Chalothon simply acts like everything is going according to his plans.
“I see how lonely you get. You know how much I care about you. I will do anything to make sure you will be more comfortable. I’m giving up my Naga soul for you.”
How is Tharn supposed to reply to that? He has tried numerous variations of ‘I don’t want your soul, I want you to send me back.’ over the course of his days here. Nothing seems to have even the slightest effect on Chalothon. It’s not even that they argue about it. It’s that he simply acts like Tharn isn’t making any sense.
In a way, maybe, Tharn isn’t making any sense. Why would he want to stay stuck here, in the in-between?
It wasn’t meant to be like this. It feels a little like nobody actually thought any of it through. Or maybe everyone just expected this to work out because Wansarut belonged here. Tharn isn’t Wansarut though. Tharn is still human.
The world he lives in now is a vast place. There are caves and hills and rocks and riverbanks and trees. Naga don’t live in trees though. A big part of their world is submerged in water, a natural defence against the Garuda, their flying enemy. An enemy that also makes it impossible for Tharn to stray farther away from the few places Chalothon has deemed safe for him. He cannot leave. He cannot go where the Naga live, unable to survive under water.
The ritual would change that. It was supposed to happen on the day Chalothon brought him here, but after being wounded in the battle his body was too weak. It requires a lot of their magic and a Naga soul, but it could make Tharn more like them. It wouldn’t fully turn him into one of them, but he would be able to live among the Naga. He wouldn’t be stuck anymore. He would have choices. Maybe even the dreams would fade.
Maybe the dreams would fade.
“I think I will go swimming,” Tharn says, glancing at Chalothon.
“That is a good idea.” Chalothon smiles. “The ritual will be quite straining for your body. It’s wise of you to stay in good health.”
Tharn closes his eyes for a second, breathing through the urge to yell out his frustration. Getting angry is not going to help him.
“I’ll go then.”
It is cold here although Tharn can’t say how. It’s not the temperature. It’s not the weather. It’s something else that makes him shiver, something that seeps into his bones. It only goes away when he’s swimming in the lake, the only safe space he has.
Wanwisa explained it to him. The streams leading to and from the lake flow through the human world. Even though the actual portals are difficult to find and impossible for humans to cross, the water is a constantly flowing connection between these two worlds. The only connection Tharn has left. Although he knows that Phaya is probably back in Bangkok, sitting at work at his desk, sometimes Tharn imagines him standing at the riverbank of the Mekong river, maybe even sitting at the shore and letting the water wash over his feet, thinking of Tharn…
Here, in the lake is the only place where his memories of Phaya ever resemble something like joy. Where he is thankful for the moments they shared. Where their love can still be happy despite everything. It’s like the water is lifting the weight off Tharn’s shoulders, allowing him to rest and believe.
Better times may come. He’s still alive. He still feels love.
Phaya is also alive. He didn’t drown the day he ran after Tharn, Wanwisa told Tharn as much. So there is still hope for them, even if they can’t be together.
His mind still partly at the lake, Tharn makes the mistake of mentioning Phaya when he talks to Wanwisa later.
“Why are you still thinking so much about him? Why do you think he would even forgive you for leaving him? He must have been so angry at you for promising to stay and then going with Chalothon.”
Tharn swallows thickly, the words echoing in his head. He has seen Phaya angry before. Is Phaya angry at him now? Does he sometimes look at what was once Tharn’s desk and is glad that Tharn is gone?
At least I know who he chooses now. I’m not wasting my time on him anymore.
No. Phaya wouldn’t, right? Right?
Or maybe he should? Maybe Tharn is selfish for hoping that Phaya doesn’t move on from him. He will move on, surely. Just maybe not instantly. Maybe he will still think of Tharn now and still feel at least a little bit of love for him. Maybe he doesn’t resent Tharn.
Tharn opens his mouth to answer, but Wanwisa shakes her head, an apologetic smile on her face.
“I’m sorry. I understand you don’t want to talk about this. It must still hurt.”
It happens a lot. She asks something and Tharn takes a moment, trying to put his thoughts into order. But before he even gets a chance to respond, she changes the subject and he is left wondering if she even wants to know his feelings or not.
She is trying, he can see that. From the moment he woke up in the Naga world, weak but still alive, she has been trying to befriend him. Or rather, she has been trying to simply be his sister again, which makes everything only more difficult. Tharn doesn’t feel close to her, doesn’t want to trust her when from his perspective they had no time to build that kind of bond. She seems to think that he hasn’t forgiven her for her part in Wansarut’s death, something Tharn can’t even remember. Sometimes he wishes that she would just stop assuming she knows him and start to get to know him now, but they can’t seem to get there.
“I promise, it will get better once you can live in our city underwater. You will meet so many of us and everyone will be more accepting than now.”
If she is trying to console him, there is probably no worse way she could go about it. Tharn feels like he is running in circles, nothing he’s saying ever really coming through. Maybe he needs to stop trying to make her understand.
“If… I would agree to the ritual, could I cross over to the human world like Chalothon?”
“Even if you could, you couldn’t be with Phaya anymore.”
“It’s not about him.” Tharn shakes his head for emphasis. Of course, it is about Phaya. Everything is always about Phaya. But he is tired of hearing anyone’s thoughts on him. “I just… I never got to say goodbye to so many people.”
Wanwisa sighs, looking down at her hands, sadness showing on her face.
“I’m afraid it is not possible. Once you become a real part of this world, you cannot exist outside of it for long. And as a human… there is only one portal you could cross but it is at the end of the stream leading into the lake and it crosses over into the deepest part of the Mekong river. You would drown before you could reach your destination.”
Tharn holds his breath, willing his face to not show any sign of his rising pulse. This is the first time he hears of another portal existing, one he could actually cross without Naga magic.
“So it is possible to go back? I could see my family again?”
“I told you, it’s not. You would drown. You would need magic to protect you, but Chalothon is not going to let you go alone. And you know he cannot come with you now, he drained all the powers he had in the human world.” Wanwisa shakes her head with a hurtful look in her eyes. “We are also your family. I understand that you’re hurting but why won’t you even give us a chance? I never got to say goodbye to Wansarut before she died either.”
They both stand and look at each other, trapped in some kind of stalemate. Tharn sees her mouth twitching in pain. He wishes he could say something to comfort her. Wishes they could make this better for each other somehow but then the memory of Phaya shouting Tharn’s name in agony over and over again returns to his mind and he can’t… He can’t see any ways out of their pain. He can barely breathe through it.
“I’m sorry you lost your sister.” Tharn tries to make his voice sound comforting but he feels like he’s doing a poor job of it. “But I can’t bring her back.”
He wakes up in Phaya’s bed. He can’t remember what his dream was about but he knows it was a bad one, filling his heart with dread. Phaya looks at him in concern.
“You alright?”
Tharn smiles, relief washing over him. It was just a dream. Now it’s good. It’s all good.
“Just a bad dream. Maybe I’m working too much.”
Phaya’s face softens. “You know what helps against bad dreams? A morning kiss.”
Reality and dream run in circles, chasing each other. Tharn knows when he wakes up. He knows what is real and what is only a cruel invention of his mind. He is still stuck here. The person giving him comfort is only in his mind. Even if he ever sees Phaya again, it won’t be like this. They will never get this chance. The pain Tharn caused won’t disappear like that.
Why do you think he would even forgive you for leaving him?
One day he will, Tharn assures himself. He pictures Phaya and Yai and Sand and Khun Yaai together, watching the Naga fireballs at the festival, some day in the future. One day they will watch the fireballs and think of Tharn and leave all their pain behind and they will be glad to be alive and that is all that counts.
And maybe Phaya will even bring someone else to see and…
Tharn rises out of bed abruptly, his body shaking at the thought his mind was following. He can’t. He knows how weak he is. He has to hope that Phaya will live a good life but… but…
No more thoughts right know. He has to move otherwise he will drown in his own mind. Walking helps. It makes him cry sometimes, bringing up all the feelings he had to bury to be able to go with Chalothon. But it still helps.
He walks along the stream leading into the lake. It’s futile and he knows it. Wanwisa told him he would drown if he tried to use the portal and he can see it when he reaches the place. It’s at the foot of a small mountain. There is a small pond and a stone cave where the stream continues underground. Tharn kneels down to touch the water. It’s almost like it’s calling to him.
Calling him to his death maybe.
He can see what Wanwisa means. The current doesn’t look strong but Tharn knows how treacherous these things are. He would have to dive into a dark and narrow underwater cave, swimming against the flow of the water. There was no telling how far it was either. No telling if it even led to the human world.
Tharn is vaguely aware of the tears running down his face. Has he really been foolish enough to think that he would find an escape here?
“What are you doing here?!”
Tharn swivels around at the harsh tone in Chalothon’s voice, staring up at him in silent shock, feeling like he has been caught in something forbidden. Chalothon’s mouth is a thin line, his eyes narrowed in disapproval.
“Just…”
Tharn shrugs, rubbing the tears from his cheeks.
“You shouldn’t be here, it’s not safe.” Chalothon gaze travels along the stony path leading uphill. “It’s too close to their domain. And this… I don’t know what Wanwisa has told you. But the only thing you could find at the bottom of this stream is your death. You would drown before you would even reach the human world.”
“You could protect me though. There is magic to protect me from drowning, right?”
Tharn knows what is coming now. He knows he has crossed a line but he couldn’t hold the words back. He has to know. If there is a way… he has to know.
“You would ask me to do this?” Chalothon’s voice turns bitter. “You would ask me to send you somewhere where I can no longer protect you? Do you know how it felt to have you almost dying in my arms and that… selfish man you called your lover trying to stop me from saving you?”
“He’s not selfish,” Tharn objects before he can stop himself, even though he knows… he knows what Chalothon will say and he knows how much it will hurt to hear it and yet…
“He never respected you. He just wanted you all for himself. He has never done anything for you. I saved you. I was there for you. And I still stand by you. I still love you.” Chalothon’s expression changes into something more gentle, desperately caring. “He wanted you to die rather than let you go. I would give up everything to take you back where you belong. Where you can be happy. Where you will be free from the violence he inflicted on your life over and over again. I cannot let you go back into a life that will only make you miserable. You’re too precious to me.”
Tharn sniffs quietly, another tear rolling down his face that he doesn’t bother wiping away. There must be something he can say. Chalothon cares. Tharn knows that Chalothon cares. He can see how much he means every word. There must be something Tharn can say. Something to show Chalothon that he is wrong about what makes Tharn happy. There has to be a way to reach Chalothon’s heart.
“Please,” Tharn whispers.
He would fall to his knees if he wasn’t already kneeling. Chalothon has to see. He has to.
“Tharn. I will do everything I can to make you happy once the ritual is completed. I promise. But this is about more than just you or me. This is about what is right. About where you belong. I will make things right.”
Tharn opens his mouth but he feels the energy draining from his body before he can respond. They have been here before. They have talked about this before. There are still tears in Tharn’s eyes, but it changes nothing.
Chalothon is not going to let him go.
Phaya is not going to take him back.
Wanwisa is not going to accept him for who he is now.
This is his life and all he can think is that he wants it to stop.
Time still confuses Tharn. How many days have gone by? They all blend together even more now. He is tired and numb. He tries to think about happier days but every time his thoughts come near Phaya, it’s like a small needle running through his heart. He’s not sure what is worse, to think that Phaya loves him or hates him now.
Why do you think he would even forgive you for leaving him?
Does Yai forgive him? Or does he blame himself? How much pain has Tharn caused all of his friends and family? Every single life he touches, he leaves worse than before. How can anyone forgive that?
He decides to forget about the stream and the portal. It’s not worth the risk. He would just die and all it would do is cause more and more pain. Sometimes he imagines his grandma taking a walk along the Mekong river, stumbling upon his lifeless body, washed ashore. He could never do this to her. He needs to stop causing pain. He needs to stop being wrong for everyone. He needs to stop.
He ignores the stream but his eyes get caught again and again by the mountain that rises next to it. He is not supposed to climb any mountains or hills but his nearer surroundings offer no more comfort for him, too familiar by now to distract him from his thoughts. He wants the steep cliffs and rocky paths. He wants to escape, if only for a moment, to have something to know that time is passing and not every day is the same.
He doesn’t tell Wanwisa or Chalothon, knowing they might stop him. He just takes the path along the stream and keeps walking when he reaches the end of it, keeps walking uphill until he is sweating and out of breath. And even then he keeps walking. Maybe if he exhausts himself enough, he will sink into a deeper sleep tonight and he won’t dream.
His body is objecting to the fast pace but he forces himself to go on. He knows how to do this, it’s like the training. Shut off his thoughts. Shut off his feelings. Just going and going and going… and stop.
He stumbles when the path suddenly ends, reaching a small ledge with nothing before him but a deep cliff.
Maybe it would be a nice view if Tharn had any feeling left to appreciate it.
Beneath him, deep down, he can see the trees and the lake. Yes, it looks peaceful from here, doesn’t it?
The wind whistles by, whispering like it wants to carry him away. Promising something new. Something to end this state of constant regret.
Would it hurt? Just one small step. And everything could be gone. His family would never know. They could keep on living, believing that Tharn was safe in the Naga world.
He would never wake up from a dream again.
Tharn knows this feeling. He has been here before, years ago, when the grief about his parents’ death had suddenly caught up with him and his mental health had spiralled worse than ever before. Back then, he was able to learn to believe in a future again. Because of Chalothon.
Back then, Chalothon cared enough to bring Tharn back from the brink of life. Back then, Tharn was still someone to care about. But he could make Chalothon care again one last time.
Tharn closes his eyes and can almost feel it. The blackness he would leave behind. He would leave his pain in this world and just see where the winds would carry him.
Chalothon would see. He would finally see. He would see the pain left behind and he would finally get it. If Tharn could do nothing else, at least he could make Chalothon understand how wrong everything was. How wrong he had made everything. Maybe then he would at least regret it.
There are tears in Tharn’s eyes. He never wanted to die here. He never wanted any of this to happen. If he could just have been someone else. The person to make things right for everyone. Not the one who causes them all pain.
It’s just one more small step. And none of this will be Tharn’s problem anymore.
Tharn doesn’t know what makes him look up.
There is no movement that he is aware of, but there, perched on a tree on another slope of another hill is one of them. It’s the first time Tharn sees an actual Garuda but he still has no doubt about what he is seeing.
He’s not scared. He has no idea how the creature landed on the tree without Tharn noticing but he knows if the Garuda wanted him dead, he would already be dead. Instead the Garuda only sits and looks at him, too far away to talk to, but close enough to lock eyes.
Phaya.
Tharn knows it’s not him, but he cannot stop the yearning in his heart. Part of him longs to be caught in those mighty claws and carried away. Somewhere. Somewhere safe.
Phaya. He’s the only place Tharn has ever felt safe. In his arms is the only place he can truly feel at peace with himself. What would Phaya say to him now?
Don’t die.
It’s easy to say. But Tharn… Tharn just… he wants Chalothon to understand. To see the damage he has done. To feel the pain Tharn feels. To…
Don’t die. Not for him. He is not worth it.
Tharn can feel Phaya’s fury like it is his own. The infinite loathing for the man who has trapped Tharn in this place. Who has pretended to be his friend for years. Who sat on Tharn’s couch, comforting him, and then turned around to try and kill the love of Tharn’s life without a moment’s hesitation. Who gained Tharn’s trust only to use it against him. Who will still not listen. Who will keep Tharn, even if it is Tharn’s death. Who will watch him cry and beg and not even consider letting him go. Who will never understand, no matter what Tharn does.
Tharn’s knees give out under him. Breaking down on the cold stone, he wraps his arms around himself like he can cling to life if he just holds on tightly enough.
He cannot die. Not like this. Even if it’s hard, he cannot die here. Despite everything, there is one thing Chalothon is right about. This is not just about who Tharn loves. It’s about where he belongs.
When he looks up again, the Garuda spreads its wings and takes off, floating through the air in a display of strength and grace. Tharn watches it flying circles above the mountain, not coming any closer. It almost feels like it is looking out for him. Like Phaya would.
Phaya wouldn’t give up. He would keep fighting. He would love Tharn in spite of everything.
Why do you think he would even forgive you for leaving him?
Because that is who they are to each other. Wanwisa might not understand. Chalothon will never understand. He will never understand that Tharn would rather dream of Phaya for the rest of his life than give up on him.
Tharn makes his decision that day when he comes back down from the mountain, looking at the water flowing from the underground cave. It is a bad idea and he knows it. He fully believes that Wanwisa spoke the truth about the threat of drowning. But he can see that the cave is narrow enough that no Naga in their true form could follow him. It’s probably the only way Chalothon won’t be able to go after him. And if Tharn dies, if he achieves nothing else, at least he will be free from the man who wants to control him. He is going home.
He isn’t going unprepared though.
He knows he cannot stay here much longer. Despite his decision, his emotions remain unstable. Getting up after waking from his dream becomes more of a challenge every day. A challenge he still meets with determination to get up and train his body the same way he had done during the training camp. Swimming. Running. Diving. If it’s the only thing he can do, he will do it as best as he can.
Chalothon watches him, surely noticing the change in Tharn’s attitude. When he asks, Tharn says it’s good for his mental health and for his body and that isn’t even a lie. Still, he sees the frown on Chalothon’s face and he knows. He knows he cannot train forever. He needs to take his chance.
Tharn still can’t tell the time. He tries to keep his workouts on a regular schedule, but every time he thinks he has it down, he loses track of what’s happening again and suddenly he wakes up again and isn’t sure what day it is.
The only way to go is to trust his body. There comes a moment where he feels like he cannot do much more to prepare, so he takes a day off to rest, knowing that, for better or worse, the next time he wakes up will be the last time he wakes up here.
He is sitting by the lake, the first time in a long while that he is just sitting and watching instead of swimming, when Wanwisa finds him. She sits down beside him, saying nothing for a long time. At first, it’s oddly comforting, her silence somehow bearing more understanding than any word she has ever said to him.
Then it hits Tharn that that is what it is. Understanding. Because she knows.
His heart skips a beat as he swallows down the words of denial that have already sprung to his lips before she has even uttered a single syllable.
“I wanted to give you this.”
Wanwisa looks around, checking if they are alone, before pulling a small vial from her pocket. She holds it out for Tharn, nodding slightly for him to take it.
“Put it away now. Don’t let him see it.”
Tharn does as he is told, only throwing a quick glance at the transparent liquid inside the vial before stuffing it away.
“I cannot promise you that it will help,” Wanwisa says quietly, “Wansarut was the healer, not me. She knew more about these things, but even then… how it will affect humans… I cannot be sure, to be honest. All I know is that if you do not take it, you will surely drown. And I don’t want to...”
Her voice breaks as she looks away, blinking away tears. Tharn takes her hand, unsure how to comfort her, but needing to try anyway.
“I don’t want to look back and think that there is something more I could have done. And I know that nothing I can say will change your mind. So please… at least… try this. You will have to rub it on your skin an hour before you go into the water. It will help your body survive longer underneath the surface. There might be side effects though. I…”
Tharn squeezes her hand as she takes a shaky breath. More tears are running down her face.
“It feels like I’m losing my sister again.”
He is not Wansarut. Wanwisa’s hope that he could fill the hole her death left long ago has always been foolish. Still, it was hope and it hurts to see it taken from her.
“At least this time we get to say goodbye,” Tharn says, wiping a lone tear from his own face.
“Can I ask one more thing? I promise I’m not trying to stop you I just...” She hesitates again and he only nods to signal her to keep going. “How do you know? That this is the right path for you? How do you know that you won’t find more happiness among our people once you truly live with us?”
It’s a valid question. One that Tharn has had in the back of his mind all these days. How does he know? Is he fighting for something worth fighting for or is he clinging to foolish hope the same way Wanwisa was?
“I don’t.” He shrugs. “I don’t know if there is any happiness left for me in this life. But I know where I belong. And it’s not here. If a ritual could change that, that ritual would have to change who I am at my core. No one who truly loves me can ask that of me.”
Wanwisa nods, bowing a little deeper in wordless acknowledgement. She understands. Maybe she always understood more than Tharn gave her credit for. Maybe she understood more than she wanted to understand this whole time.
“I hope you will find your place. I hope you and Chalothon will never meet again. Even if that means that I will never see you again.” She wipes away her tears and gets up. “Don’t tell me when you’re going. I fear my own weakness.”
“You’re not weak,” Tharn disagrees, “And I hope you find your place as well.”
She nods again at him before she leaves him alone. He stays a little longer, looking out onto the lake to calm his nerves. At least Wanwisa seems to believe that there is a slight chance of him succeeding. It’s more than nothing.
Arms wrap around Tharn from behind, a smiling face pressed into his neck.
“I’m so glad you made it back,” Phaya whispers, “You really came back to me.”
“Are you happy?” Tharn asks.
“More than just happy. I missed you so much. Work was so boring without you.” He chuckles, making Tharn turn in his arms. There is his face, eyes shining with joy. “There is nothing I missed more than kissing you...”
Tharn is frozen, almost unable to get up.
Why do you think he would even forgive you for leaving him?
It’s just a dream. Phaya welcoming him with open arms. What if… what if…
Would Tharn survive the horror of Phaya not forgiving him? Is he ready to face that possibility? How much time has passed in the human world? Would Phaya still want him?
Tharn clenches his fists.
He cannot control what Phaya feels. He cannot control what will happen to him. He can only keep his faith, because otherwise he won’t be able to do this. He has to do this. He has to leave.
Tharn follows Wanwisa’s instructions, although he has no idea how the hell he is supposed to know when one hour has passed. He simply rubs the weirdly thick liquid all over his skin before he makes his way up the stream, the same path he has taken twice before.
He keeps his breathing steady as he slips out of his clothes. He needs to stay calm. He needs his oxygen, he cannot waste it on limbs shaking from fear. Thankful for every minute of training camp preparing him for these kinds of situations, Tharn steps into the water. Careful, staying where the water is shallow enough to stand.
He’s not sure Wanwisa’s potion has any effect. He doesn’t feel different right now but she was never sure it would work on humans anyway. All he can do is take deep breaths and prepare himself to-
“Tharn.”
Tharn doesn’t move at first.
Not this.
Not now.
He turns slowly, locking eyes with Chalothon, who is standing on the shore, face frozen in anger.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“Swimming,” Tharn counters, heart pounding in his throat.
This is not how this is supposed to go. He doesn’t need a confrontation now. He needs his strength for what lies before him.
“You’re trying to leave,” Chalothon growls, “You cannot leave. You cannot do this to me. Not after everything I have done to bring you back. I won’t let you leave.”
Tharn exhales slowly. He needs to stay calm. He doesn’t know what Chalothon can do to stop him. He might have lost his powers in the human world but in this world he can still do magic and Tharn doesn’t know where his limits are.
But he cannot give up. Not now.
“You take from others as you please but throw a fit the moment you feel something is taken from you. I’m not yours. I’m going home.”
Tharn turns around concentrating on the water before him. Deep breaths. Blocking out the danger he is in to only focus on the one task before him. Chalothon doesn’t move. Doesn’t make any attempts to stop him with violence yet. Maybe he doesn’t want to risk injuring Tharn again.
“You won’t make it,” Chalothon says behind him, “Your dead body will be washed ashore. What if Phaya finds you like that? What if that dear brother of yours knows how you gave up?”
Tharn swallows, clenching his jaw. Chalothon knows how to get to him, has always known where it hurts most. Nothing in Tharn’s life has ever been more painful than knowing that he cannot protect the ones he loves.
He cannot control what happens. He cannot write other people’s lives. He can only write his own.
“What if your grandma has to bury her grandson?” Chalothon tries again, voice shaking from hurt or anger.
Tharn raises his chin, his body relaxing. Eyes trained on the spot where he needs to dive into the water, he doesn’t turn around again when he speaks.
“Then that’s on you.”
Water usurps Tharn, swallows him whole as he lunges forward. He can barely see where he is going but he stays on his path, pushing on with determination. There is no going back now. He is surrounded by darkness, the currents working against him. He has to beat them. He has to break free, so that if he drowns they won’t carry him back into Chalothon’s hands.
It’s a fight against the water and against himself. Only one task. He has only one task. No room for other thoughts. He will keep on going. He will keep on fighting like Phaya would want him to.
His lungs start to burn and he is still inside the narrow canal underground, still swimming against the current, still trapped in darkness. He is desperate to breathe, desperate to fill his lungs with air again.
He almost does.
The walls are narrowing in and he has to grip a small ledge to pull himself forward, not enough room to move his arms. Then suddenly he’s out, out of the narrow passage, his feet finding solid ground where he can push himself off, realisation hitting him, his brain registering that he is free, he is free and he almost, almost inhales in relief.
His training kicks in just in time, stopping him despite the dizziness and the pain in his chest.
He must not breathe. Breathing means drowning.
Tharn blinks, his movements not working how they are supposed to. Arms getting heavy, while his legs stubbornly push him forward.
He must not breathe. He has to go on. A little further.
Shouldn’t the surface be close? Why is it still so dark? Only water around him.
There are lights dancing before his eyes.
He must not breathe. Why is the darkness closing in?
He must not breathe. He must not-