Work Text:
On the night of his nineteenth birthday, Nagi had an epiphany.
Maybe ‘epiphany’ was too strong of a word for what it really was now that he thought about it. Epiphanies are supposed to be grand and golden and life changing, something out of a movie with surging background music and a dramatic voice over. They're a personal paradigm shift, the world turning upside down and suddenly becoming aware that everything will be different.
Maybe he would have figured it out sooner if the realization had actually been as dramatic as he imagined it was supposed to be. Maybe he was just an idiot for thinking that shoujo anime and rom-coms were the blueprint for what a normal, real life romance should be like. Though, it’s not like he had had many real life examples since his parents were hardly ever around, and he couldn’t find it in him to care about which of his peers were going out with each other in highschool.
Realizing he was in love with Reo was like clearing a level in a video game that you’ve been stuck on for so long that the sense of accomplishment feels more akin to relief. It was like easing into a pool or sinking into bed when you’re so tired you can feel it in your bones. He expected it to be like getting slapped in the face or feeling like you’re gonna cry or scream and feeling so pent up that you want to run around the block a few times so that there’s a reason why your heart is pounding, you’re breathing heavily, sweating your ass off , or anything else that was sufficiently dramatic and annoying.
It was the warm glow of the rangehood light in Reo’s kitchen where they’d been sitting for hours after the celebration had concluded, the way it made Reo’s skin look radiant and how he himself looked so beautiful that it seemed impossible. Reo still looked perfect every time Nagi blinked or looked away and pretended like he hadn’t been staring when Reo shifted in his seat or when he smiled after Nagi stopped caring about being caught. Maybe it was naïve of Nagi to have thought that anything about Reo could be reduced to simple terms in the first place.
It was the humming of the air conditioner, a constant, low rumbling that persisted long into the night since the heat of the day lingered now that spring was turning into summer. He was much the same, still hanging around even though the cake had been eaten, the plates were washed, the counter cleared and hours had passed since Ba-ya had told them goodnight and to not stay up too late.
It was the scent of lemon that filled up the entire penthouse when he first stepped in after he and Reo had split from the larger group of friends they had been celebrating with. Reo said that he had a surprise waiting at his place, and Nagi was ushered away amongst a chorus of cheers and the entire group teasing them. A cake made by Ba-ya was well within the realm of possibilities for the surprise, but Choki sitting on the counter next to said cake, however, was not. Nagi almost asked how Reo had even gotten Choki before remembering that Reo had a key to his apartment and blanket permission to enter it. (A privilege that extended to Ba-ya as well.) He probably couldn’t have said much more than the breathy ‘thank you’ that he somehow did manage to choke out, considering how he felt like his stomach was trying to turn itself inside out. That was fine, though. Nagi was never one for words, and Reo knew that.
It was the feeling of the marble, cool against his cheek, as he lay across the bar top watching Reo talk to Choki like he was an old friend. Reo had caught him speaking to the cactus one time shortly after they had met, and ever since then, Reo had always given Choki a prick and told him about his day whenever he came over. But, it wasn’t just that. Reo also asked Choki how he was doing, listened, nodded along and made it an entire conversation. Nagi had always felt…something every time he watched them talk, like how the sun warms your skin when you walk outside after having been in a room that was too cold. That feeling was creeping up on him now as he watched Reo showing Choki all the pictures he had taken throughout the day.
“Should this one go first?” Reo asked as he turned his phone to face Choki. He held it there for a few seconds before nodding and continuing to scroll. Nagi wondered how many pictures Reo had taken. He was really good at sneaking in candid shots, so Nagi was willing to bet there was a ton for him to weed out. That was fine, though. Nagi was perfectly content to stay by Reo’s side for however long it took him.
“Wait, actually,” Reo mumbled and then scrolled down a bit. “You should be in the first picture, Choki. How’s this one look?” he suddenly shifted in his seat, the movement causing some hair to fall out from his hastily tied up ponytail. Nagi’s chest felt tight from the way it framed his face so perfectly that it seemed intentional. His breath caught in his throat when he thought about how if he reached out right now to sweep the hair from Reo’s face, Reo likely wouldn’t even flinch or bat an eye or stutter as he continued talking to Choki.
“The group picture doesn’t have to go first. They’ll get over it.”
“Of course I’ll find the one you look the best in! Who do you think I am?” He reached out to tap the rim of Choki’s pot, carefully maneuvering the phone so he could hold it with one hand.
After a while, Reo stopped scrolling and looked at the same picture. His expression was hard to make out with the hair that he never swept away blocking most of Nagi’s view. He was probably worrying at his bottom lip, though – a habit he had been trying to break. The terracotta pot scraped against the marble countertop as Reo used his already freed up hand to pull Choki right beside him. “Look at this one again.”
There was a long pause. Choki must have had a lot to say. Nagi held his breath.
“Yeah,” Reo said, low and breathy as he finally tucked the loose strands of hair behind his ear. He smiled, soft and so, so fond as he continued to look at the picture on his screen. “I like this one the best, too.”
Nagi didn’t feel like crying or screaming or running around the block. He already felt lightheaded and a little warm and his stomach still felt like it was trying to turn inside out. He couldn’t even try to pretend that it was from all the soda and the champagne and cake he had had earlier, either.
He was still holding his breath, and he was so, so fucked.
Nagi wasn’t one to plan ahead or think about the future too deeply. Getting through a single day was already troublesome enough. But, in that moment, the first thought that crossed his mind was: How can I keep that smile on Reo’s face forever.
Realizing he was in love with Reo was like putting the last piece of a puzzle into its place, taking a step back and seeing the entire picture. It was how the puzzle didn’t look anything like the picture on the box until, suddenly, it did . It was knowing that the pieces had been there the entire time, jumbled up and separated, but there, nonetheless.
It was the way that Reo made these indescribable feelings seem like something tangible – warm and thick and slowly spilling out from the center of his chest, radiating through all of him now that the foundation upholding his ignorance had shifted. His defenses were cracked and crumbling, and he was forced to look at them for what they were, forced to feel. The heat and pressure had been building so slowly and for so long that he hadn’t realized he was being strangled by the weight of it, that he had found comfort in its familiarity. The relief that tore through him when he remembered to breathe was followed by an unknown sense of vulnerability as the final pieces of resistance fell away.
He wondered if these feelings could overflow now that they were no longer trapped. Would they spill out whenever he tried to speak or start leaking from his pores or simply circulate inside of him like his own blood until he was ready to speak them aloud? There was nothing holding him back anymore, was there? Is that what it meant to ‘pour your heart out,’ letting all the feelings spill out like a faucet and hoping that it doesn’t make a mess everywhere?
“What do you think, Nagi?”
Right. Time didn’t slow down so he could finish his inner monologue. Or was it gay panic? An awakening? An epiphany? It was becoming too troublesome to think about, and didn’t matter anyway since Reo was still sitting next to him, still looking perfect, and was now looking right at him with his phone turned to where Nagi could see the picture on the screen.
A picture truly was worth a thousand words because the look on Nagi’s face in the photo was so telling that he might have had it in him to feel embarrassed if not for the still very much occurring rewiring of his brain chemistry that made him aware that he’s had ridiculous amounts of mushy feelings flowing through him like lava for longer than he could even remember. Maybe he should have thought a little more about how he had friends other than Reo now and how different Reo had made him feel than they did. But, it was a hassle to consider back then, and it was irrelevant right now, given his current predicament.
It had only been a few hours since the picture was taken, a last minute request to Ba-ya before she turned off the ceiling lights and left for the evening. He and Reo stood on the opposite side of the bar from where they were currently sitting with Choki placed on the countertop, front and center. Reo’s laughter bubbled from him like the champagne they had stolen from his parent’s alcohol stash earlier when he suggested that they posed like the cactus. So, Nagi nodded because he was incredibly bad at denying Reo anything, threw up a peace sign, and couldn’t help but to look at the way Reo’s eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled instead of looking at the camera. Ba-ya had had an especially knowing look on her face when she had given Reo’s phone back to him.
I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.
“Reo’s beautiful,” He said because it was the truth. It wasn’t the full truth, nor was it an actual confession, but it was a start – enough to answer Reo’s question at least. He laid his head back down onto the countertop, cheeks flushing against his will. How troublesome.
Reo hummed, reaching over to run his hands through Nagi’s hair. “Is that all?” he said, voice thick with emotion, like he was about to cry even though he was smiling the same way as he had been when Nagi’s eyes had been opened only a few minutes ago. He gently pulled apart a tangle that his finger had gotten caught on, massaging his fingers into the scalp in apology once he was finished.
“I like it the best, too.”
Reo huffed, amused, “You haven’t seen any of the other ones, silly.”
Nagi brought his arm that had been hanging limply at his left side up to reach for Reo’s hand. He nudged at it until Reo got the hint to lift it from the bed of white it had been nestled in so that Nagi could hold it properly. Nagi intertwined their fingers together, before letting their joint hands fall forward back onto the counter. “Do I need to?” You’re all I need. Please, believe me.
“No,” Reo squeezed Nagi’s hand tighter as he shook his head. “I believe you.”
Somewhere in between their shared lunches on the school’s rooftop, the bike rides home, hanging out on the weekends, and staying up late into the night just to stay in each other’s company for as long as possible, Nagi’s default setting was switched to ‘Loving Reo.’
He loved Reo like the sun came up in the morning and set in the evening. He loved him like it was a reflex, habitual like a prick against Choki’s spines in greeting and a flashed peace sign upon leaving. He loved Reo like honey was sweet and how spring came after the snow cleared. He loved Reo back in the stairwell at school when they were sixteen, and he still loved him now in the dim light of Reo’s kitchen when they were almost twenty.