Archive of Our Own

Jiwoong wakes up early despite his exhaustion. His recent work schedules had made him a morning person which didn’t line well with Jongwoo’s schedules who was a late night owl to begin with and mostly taught outside of the normal working hours.

Despite all of this, Jongwoo had come over the previous night only an hour before Jiwoong was ready to go to sleep and enjoy his first day off in which felt like forever. Despite his tiredness, Jiwoong had cherished every minute of having Jongwoo there with him and he would have sucked it up and tried to stay awake a few more hours had Jongwoo not told him to go to sleep before he falls over. Jiwoong had been too tired to try and argue with him so he had diligently followed his boyfriend’s instructions.

So that’s why he is wide awake now at six o’clock in the morning. But unlike the many previous ones, Jongwoo is right there beside him, sleeping soundly and looking peaceful and perfect in every way.

Sometimes it scares Jiwoong how much he cares for Jongwoo. They had officially been together for little over six months and Jiwoong still couldn’t believe how quickly they had gone from a first date to the next, how much he had yearned for Jongwoo’s company back then. How much he still wishes he could spend every waking moment with him.

There was deep ache in Jiwoong’s chest whenever their schedules wouldn’t match up and it would be days and days before they saw each other again. The ache would linger until he had the younger there with him, I’m his space, in his arms, in his bed.

It hadn’t all been flowers and well pawed roads. Over the months, they had had their share of fights. Jongwoo was fierce and determined but not unkind. Sometimes he would just speak before thinking. Act before speaking. It was a difference in character. Jongwoo charged ahead and wasn’t afraid to be himself. It was something Jiwoong had had trouble grasping but now was used to even if it still let to some disagreements.

Jiwoong still feels the shame his family has put on him. Still feels uncomfortable in his own skin. Being gay had made the world very unkind. Jiwoong wasn’t ready to let go of the facade. Jongwoo had already done it, even before he had met Jiwoong. Jiwoong feels like he’s always running ten steps behind the other, trying to catch up, but the younger has trouble slowing down. Jongwoo is not leaving Jiwoong behind as much as just letting him go at his own pace. Jiwoong knows this but he can’t help but feel jealous of how it all seems so easy for the younger man.

While Jongwoo is not necessarily carefree he’s still full of life, still ready to live his life to the fullest while it keeps trying to bring him down. Jiwoong feels like the world failed him and he’s not ready to face the cruelty of it any more. He wants to hide in plain sight. Doesn’t want anyone speculating his sexuality. Wants to be seen for more than that. Wants to be taken seriously. He wants to show himself, say the right things so that there will not be others like him. But there will be. That’s something that Jongwoo once told him that made Jiwoong angry. That there will always be boys like Jiwoong no matter what he does and Jiwoong had gotten even more angry. More to the world than Jongwoo but Jongwoo was the only one who was there to listen so he’d gotten the most of it. He hadn’t gotten angry back which frustrated Jiwoong even more because Jongwoo didn’t fight the way Jiwoong was used to fighting. He never took the bait and foght back but still got easily frustrated over the smallest things. Said things he wasn’t supposed to but never fought back. Both mature and immature at the same time.

It was like Jongwoo was able to keep himself contained most of the time but every once in a while the bad habits would break through. Jiwoong thinks it’s because he grew up too fast. But that’s also something that Jongwoo doesn’t want to talk about. Doesn’t want to dwell on the past. That’s something that Jiwoong can understand but while he doesn’t want to dwell he can’t help but do it anyway. He’s stuck in the past unlike Jongwoo and that’s why he’s always behind. He doesn’t want to but he doesn’t know how to let go. He grew up too cautious. He thinks things over too much. He always prepares for the worst because then he can make it through everything. Until he can’t. Because he can’t predict the future, no matter how hard he tried there was always something he hadn’t thought of. A middle finger from the universe.

Suddenly Jongwoo is looking at Jiwoong with his tired eyes, trying to blink himself awake, startling Jiwoong from his thoughts.

“It’s still early”, Jiwoong whispers softly. “You can go back to sleep.”

Jongwoo reaches out and touches Jiwoong’s brow, smoothing out the worry lines. “Can’t”, he says. “You’re thinking too loudly.”

Jiwoong chuckles and takes the younger’s hand in his. “Sorry”, he whispers and gives the back of the hand a quick kiss. Jongwoo looks soft like this, with his tousled hair and sleepy face. The younger sometimes says that people told him he looked unapproachable, too serious and too scary. To Jiwoong it seems ridiculous.

“Cuddle me?” Jongwoo murmurs and Jiwoong reaches out so the younger can settle on his chest. It doesn’t take long for Jongwoo’s breathing to even out indicating that he’s fallen back asleep and Jiwoong is left alone with his thoughts once again. He tries to settle himself, tries to enjoy having Jongwoo so close, savour the moment that they have together before the younger has to go back to work in the afternoon. Every second is precious and Jiwoong tries to remind himself to be grateful for having met someone who is willing to spend it with him and his insecure self.

Time slips away from Jiwoong and soon enough he can see the white popcorn ceiling. Jongwoo still has his head resting on Jiwoong’s chest so he’s afraid of moving but now that he’s actually awake he’s feeling restless and not even sleeping Jongwoo is enough for him to enjoy the slow morning.

Jiwoong gets up gingerly trying his hardest not to disturb Jongwoo’s sleep but of course the younger wakes from his slumber.

“You’re getting up?” he mumbles and pulls a pillow under his head now that Jiwoong’s chest is no longer supporting his head.

“Yeah”, Jiwoong says. “Got hungry”, he continues because while that is not the main reason it’s also not a lie. His stomach is grumbling but the restlessness is the main reason why he can’t stay in bed. Too much energy, too many thoughts in his head but those feel like too many words for so early in the morning.

“What’s the time?” Jongwoo asks. He has his eyes closed, half of his face buried in to the pillow.

“It’s eight.”

“Uh-huh”, Jongwoo responds and leaves it at that probably half asleep already.

Jiwoong makes his way through his morning routine before starting on breakfast. He notices a few dishes in the fridge that weren’t there the night before so they are probably a result of Jongwoo’s midnight cooking. Jiwoong adds them in the pan and starts the reheating process as well as the coffee machine. Midway through his preparations Jongwoo emerges from the bedroom to the bathroom and Jiwoong wonders if he’s done with sleeping. The younger had a bad case of insomnia so sleeping wasn’t his strongest suit.

The coffee has brewed as Jongwoo makes his way to the kitchen side of their living space. Or not theirs, Jiwoong’s living space, that Jongwoo visits frequently. Jiwoong places the lonely coffee mug on Jongwoo’s side of the table, because yes they do have their own sides, before starting the coffee making process again, this time for two mugs of coffee because he only needs one to survive the morning, Jongwoo needs two.

“I could have made my own coffee”, Jongwoo says as he sits down on his side of the table.

“I only brewed one because I thought you’d sleep longer. I can survive a few minutes longer without my coffee.”

“Thank you”, Jongwoo murmurs and when Jiwoong turns back around with the coffee brewing, Jongwoo is already nursing his cup with tired eyes. Jiwoong smiles fondly and continues to stir the breakfast on the pan while waiting for the coffee. At least he heated enough breakfast for two.

“We’re eating the food that you made last night”, Jiwoong says softly and ponders when the two of them became so comfortable, so domestic. Jongwoo always makes food because Jiwoong is terrible at cooking. His mother never taught him because in his family’s opinion it was a woman’s job and Jiwoong should find himself a nice girl who would do the cooking for him. Jiwoong wonders who had taught Jongwoo how to cook. “The least I can do is brew us coffee.”

“You know I like to cook, and your kitchen is much more spacious than my sister’s.”

“You can cook as much as you want. I just don’t want you to feel obligated just because I’m a terrible cook.”

“That’s not the only reason”, Jongwoo says. Jiwoong steals a glance at him and he seems pensive. Like he wants to say something but decides not to.

“Something on your mind?” Jiwoong asks as he settles the plates full of food on the table and gets comfortable with his coffee mug on the kitchen chair.

Jongwoo stays quiet for a while, takes another sip of his coffee, taking his time.

“I love you”, Jongwoo says. Declares it, like it’s easy. His eyes hold the love in them but there’s also sadness like he already knows that Jiwoong can’t say it back.

“I just wanted you to know”, Jongwoo says and Jiwoong feels the words stuck in his throat.

“You don’t have to say it back”, Jongwoo says and looks away from Jiwoong for the first time as if for searching for the words. He takes his chopsticks in preparation to start eating. “I get it”, Jongwoo says and smiles faintly at Jiwoong.

“I...”, Jiwoong starts and swallows the lump in his throat throwing his gaze on the food that’s in front of him. Food that Jongwoo has prepared the previous night. The food that had been one of the many constant in his life recently and he had taken it for granted. Taken Jongwoo’s show of love and affection for granted.

“Hyung...”

“Move in with me”, Jiwoong blurts out almost shocking himself as well. Because that’s what it was, wasn’t it? Jongwoo was everything to him. He was Jiwoong’s acceptance, his best friend, his boyfriend. Someone who Jiwoong cherishes, maybe even loves. But love is a complicated thing and Jiwoong won’t and can’t say it when he isn’t sure because once you say it you can’t take it back.

“W-what?” Jongwoo asks surprised.

“Move in with me. Or we can get another place, both are fine with me, I just... I miss you when you aren’t here. The apartment feels empty and I know that I’m not...”, Jiwoong sighs because Jongwoo knows, he knows that he’s still trying to accept himself, accept their relationship, accept the love in their relationship. “I appreciate your love and I... While I can’t say it back I see my future with you. I want you in my life Jongwoo-yah, I just need some time to come to terms with myself and I wish to have you there with me when I do.”

Jongwoo gives Jiwoong a sad smile and Jiwoong feels like a fool because he knows that smile, he knows Jongwoo is going to decline his offer. That despite what Jiwoong has said it wouldn’t be enough until Jiwoong manned up enough to say ‘ I love you’.

“Hyung, I’d love to move in with you”, Jongwoo says and Jiwoong knows there’s a but coming.

“But?” he ask anyway and takes the chopsticks from the table. He needs a distraction.

“Hyung, I don’t... I don’t have any money saved up. I have basically no money to my name and I don’t make enough money every month to afford this apartment or any other apartment for that matter.”

“I don’t mind paying for the both of us, Jongwoo-yah, if it means I get to live with you.”

“I just”, Jongwoo starts and runs hands through his hair and fixes his bangs while waiting for the right words to come. “I don’t want you to resent me later. And I just... I wished I could fend for myself, you know. I wish I’d made better decision so I wouldn’t be here, sleeping in my sister’s spare room while working for her a few pitiful hours a week and trying to get any money form social media. I wished I met you when I was... more.”

And Jiwoong gets that. He also doesn’t feel like a complete person. He feels more like a fragment of what a person, an adult person, is supposed to be. He wishes he’d be more mature, more loving, more accepting and more like the person he aspired to be instead of a gay mess that he was just trying to work hard while trying to piece himself together in order to become something more pleasing for the outside world.

“I also wish that I had met you later in life”, Jiwoong says. “When I had figured myself out more. When l wouldn’t be afraid to say ‘I love you’, when I would know what healthy love was like. But we’re here now. We aren’t perfect but I still want to spend every day with you. And I can’t speak for the future me -”, Jiwoong adds when Jongwoo still doesn’t look convinced. “- but the me right now would never be able to resent you, Jongwoo-yah. You’re doing your best. We both are. And maybe life didn’t turn out the way we wished but I’m still happy that I met you.”

“I’m happy that I met you too”, Jongwoo says softly. “And I’ll move in with you, if that’s what you want.”

“Of course is what I want”, Jiwoong says determined. Isn’t that what he had said just a moment ago?

“Okay”, Jongwoo says with a giggle and finally starts to eat and Jiwoong follows along his chest bursting with happiness that feels like it’s taking over his whole body.

( It’s the first evening of Jongwoo being back at home from the hospital. His ribs still hurt but he’d rather suffer at home in his own bed than at the hospital. At the hospital they gave you the good stuff for the pain that they wouldn’t prescribe you at home but the pain he could deal with, with the boredom not.

Jongwoo is trying to settle on the bed carefully but it still hurts until he gets settled down on his good side. Jiwoong looks worried but Jongwoo just lets it wash over him. Looking worried has become Jiwoong’s basic facial expression no matter how many times Jongwoo said he is fine thank you very much and stop worrying.

Jiwoong puts his book aside and settles down next to Jongwoo facing him but still leaving the bedside table lamp on giving the bedroom a soft warm light.

For a moment they just stare at each other and Jongwoo wonders what’s on Jiwoong’s mind.

“I love you”, Jiwoong suddenly says surprising Jongwoo and making him take in a sudden lungful of air and causing pulsation of pain on his side.

“What?”, Jongwoo chokes out.

“I love you”, Jiwoong says. “I’m sorry it took me such a long time to say it back.”

Jongwoo feels a smile take over his face and Jiwoong leans over to kiss him.

“I love you too“, Jongwoo murmurs to his lips.)

...

Jongwoo felt the beginnings of a flu prickling in on a Tuesday morning when he woke up. His throat felt hoarse and his nose a bit stuffed but after brushing his teeth and washing his face and drinking a glass of water, he felt better so he figured it was really nothing. Maybe he had just slept his mouth open and snored like Jiwoong usually did. Maybe he was turning into Jiwoong now that he was not sleeping next to him most nights.

He felt better during the day and when he went asleep again everything was fine. So he was convinced it was nothing. Then he woke up the next morning and felt the same as the previous one, only slightly worse, and now it took longer to feel like himself again. And if he had to get some mucus out of his lungs every now and then, it wasn’t a big deal. Nothing to worry about. He felt better during the day again than he had in the morning so maybe it would pass.

Jiwoong, though, didn’t think so.

“You aren’t sick, are you Jongwoo-yah?” Jiwoong asks him during their call. And Jongwoo can’t, and won’t, lie. “Your voice sounds stuffed”, the older one continues.

“How can you even hear that through the phone?” Jongwoo mutters out to give himself some time to form an answer but also almost out of genuine curiosity. It seems like nothing seems to get past Jiwoong these days.

“Jongwoo-yah”, Jiwoong says his voice serious and Jongwoo tries to let air out of his slightly stuffed nose.

“Maybe?” he answers trying to get out of it with slight humour but Jiwoong isn’t being fooled.

“Maybe?” Jiwoong asks his voice continuing on the serious tone and Jongwoo tries his best to suffocate his sigh of disappointment.

“I have had some stuffiness in the mornings but it gets better during the day”, Jongwoo says. It’s sounds stupid when he says it out loud, it’s sounds reckless, as if he didn’t know any better.

A brief silence at the end of the line and Jongwoo can only picture the face that Jiwoong is making. “You should get it checked out Jongwoo-yah.”

“Yeah, I know”, Jongwoo says but can’t help but say out loud his honest feelings. “But I don’t want to.”

“Jongwoo-yah –“, Jiwoong starts but Jongwoo won’t let him continue. If he does Jiwoong will make him change his mind and he doesn’t want to.

“I’ll wait till tomorrow”, Jongwoo says hastily. “If it’s not getting better by tomorrow then I’ll go, but not today.”

“It’s not going to get better on its own, Jongwoo-yah. You know this.” And Jongwoo does know it but at that moment he doesn’t care.

“I do know it. I know it believe me but... Maybe just this time I won’t have to go”, Jongwoo says hopefully.

“Jongwoo-yah, please”, Jiwoong says and Jongwoo almost gives in. He would be doing Jiwoong a favour by going because he knows the older one worries but this time, maybe for the first time ever, it’s not enough to make him change his mind.

“I... just for this once. This one time, I just want to feel normal”, Jongwoo pleads. “Just not this time, hyung. I just want to pretend for today, okay?”

Jiwoong is quiet and Jongwoo knows that he isn’t happy.

“I’m not sure if pretending is going to make you feel better, Jongwoo-yah.”

“For now, it feels like it does”, Jongwoo whispers.

Jiwoong is silent for a moment longer. “If I were home I would force you to go.”

Jongwoo swallows down his quilt. “I know.”

“But I’m not there so I can’t. Just, please, Jongwoo-yah. For me.”

“Tomorrow”, Jongwoo manages to choke out. This is silly, almost dangerous and very much childish but for whatever ridiculous reason, Jongwoo feels like he can’t let up. He just needs a little time. He just wants to pretend for a day. “If it doesn’t get better.”

“Tomorrow”, Jiwoong says. “Because we both know it won’t.”

“Right”, Jongwoo says and his heart feels heavy when they end the call. It wasn’t exactly a fight, but Jongwoo feels almost as bad as after yelling and hurt feelings.

It was still early in the evening but Jongwoo finds himself unable to will himself up from the sofa for the rest of the evening, rather burying himself under the blankets while wasting the time away re-watching dramas he has already seen, the food he had meant to prepare forgotten. The phone call had left him with a bad taste in his mouth, the feeling of disappointing Jiwoong at the very forefront. What was meant to be a relaxing evening staying home and enjoying his last night before the inevitable had turned into a depressive episode and he found himself going to bed early just to be able to get away from mhe guilt and his own feelings.

The night that followed was the worst one yet and in the morning Jongwoo isn’t sure if he can get up from the bed. It is hard for him to breathe and the mucus feels stuck in his lungs. He is so tired that he just wants to sleep. Stay in bed. He wishes that Jiwoong was there to take care of him but that isn’t the case. He is all alone. It isn’t the first time, but for the last two years Jongwoo has gotten used to Jiwoong’s presence. Few and far between were the times that he had to go more than two nights alone.

 Jongwoo wonders if that was what this was all about. Rebelling, because Jiwoong isn’t there to see it. Because Jiwoong has left him to pursue his dreams while Jongwoo is stuck at home with a body that lately doesn’t feel like his own, feels too fragile to handle. There is a scar from the surgery, small surges of pain on his side where the ribs had healed but would forever be once broken, little traces of the once broken bone that one could feel in their fingertips when you ran your fingers over them, the constant flus that never went away on their own and the countless antibiotics he had gotten through for the smallest of infections that had the possibility to become deathly if not treated properly. His body was broken and for the first time in his adult life, Jongwoo feels like his mind is a little broken too. He had pushed Jiwoong to pursue his dreams, convinced him that he didn’t mind, but it hurt. It still hurt. And it hurt more with Jiwoong away. And Hwanhee. And Dongyeol. There was no one left.

It hadn’t been this lonely for a long time for Jongwoo. For the time being, he has no one else to spend time with aside from his sister and he feels like he is 15 again. His dreams scattered around with no one else on his corner than his big sister who he relied too much on. It was embarrassing but more than that, he feels more lonely than he has ever felt. His body feeling broken, his mind never feeling at ease and his heart torn into pieces with his dreams turning into dust and every single important person in his life taking one piece of his heart with them without them noticing and Jongwoo found himself left with nothing but a tiny little piece that he was supposed to build his life around once more.

Another coughing fit forces Jongwoo to sit up on the bed trying his best to catch his breath while simultaneously trying not to throw up from the force of the coughing alone. All that it led to is the feeling in his throat feeling ten times worse and Jongwoo finds himself doubling over on the bed so he can at least aim at the floor all of his sick that feels threatening at the back of his throat rather than the bedding. Tears streaming down his eyes Jongwoo is finally able to settle back down on the bed only to be forced to get back up again because of another coughing fit.

“You can do this”, Jongwoo whispers to himself while the voice in his mind is judging him on how he has no one else to blame on the situation but himself. He knows better but he had ignored all of the signs and all the knowledge that he holds and now he is paying for it.

Jongwoo reaches for his phone to check on with his sister if she is free to give him a lift to the hospital. With the stubbornness that led him to this situation Jongwoo forces himself to shower, hoping that the hot stream will help with the mucus. He takes some medication afterwards and eats a light breakfast knowing full well that it might take a while in the emergency room for anything to happen.

With his sister not answering his text when he is done, Jongwoo orders himself a taxi. The coughing fits make him feel wobbly and he feels like he’s spiking a fever despite having taken ibuprofen prior. Breathing is still hard but Jongwoo tells himself he has gone through worse as he makes his way downstairs once the taxi has pulled on the forefront of his apartment building.

Jongwoo must look like death because the taxi driver immediately asks if they should rather call Jongwoo an ambulance. The concern feels touching but Jongwoo is never getting in the back of an ambulance ever again if it is up to him. Jongwoo quickly answers to the driver that he’s no way sick enough for medical personnel to come and get him from his own home while he still has two working feet thank you very much. The driver still asks him if he was okay after his first coughing fit and stops asking after the fourth, probably coming to a conclusion that there’s nothing else to be done than to drive Jongwoo to the nearest hospital.

The taxi drive gives Jongwoo a little too much time to think how he got himself into this mess and he can’t help but feel ashamed. He is already dreading telling the emergency room triage nurse why it had taken so long for him to come and even more, he is ashamed how much pain and added stress he had caused Jiwoong last night. While Jongwoo regrets his last night’s decision to stay at home, the emotions behind the decision still feel raw. He’s just too tired of it all. He just wants to go back in time to change... Just everything. It isn’t the first time he had wondered why he and Jiwoong chose that exact bar? It wasn’t any of their regular places nor had it been a new trendy place. Why had they been standing exactly at that spot where the fight would occur? Why was the table right there? And why had the fall caused for Jongwoo to break almost entirety of his left ribcage rather than just his arm, or his wrist or maybe just one small bump to the head? That one fall had changed the whole trajectory of his life and Jongwoo would be lying to himself if he told himself that he doesn’t regret any of it.

Jongwoo rubs his eyes feeling a starting of a headache due to his own annoyance. Asking such questions would not help him in the current situation but rather would bring his mood down even more. He had asked himself all these question the first time he had been hospitalised after the surgery and Jiwoong had been officially almost too freaked out to function. They told him after they had taken away his spleen that he could go back to his normal life, that the lack of spleen would hardly have any effect at all. What a lie that had been. Two years later and Jongwoo felt like a shell of himself.

Jongwoo pays the taxi, goes through the motions of getting himself signed in, and as he had guessed, gets a slight scolding from the nurse in triage and is immediately forced to sit on a wheelchair and given a bed and some oxygen with his saturation of 86% and a temperature rising over 39 Celsius the ibuprofen from before apparently having not much effect at all.

Couple hours and some medication later, they tell Jongwoo what he already knew: he has to stay in the hospital. His infection marker is close to 400 and according to the x-ray he has a severe case of pneumonia. He has to stay at the hospital for the oxygen and i.v antibiotics probably up to a week, possibly longer if the infection has entered his blood circulation.

“Your infection marker is indeed quite high so it’s going to take a while to get back down. Your blood pressure is also on the lower side so there is a serious risk of sepsis. Are you familiar with the term?” the doctor asks.

Jongwoo nods. It’s a word that had been thrown around a lot and the reason he should follow up with a doctor immediately when showing symptoms of infection. Sepsis was a fancy word for doctors to use when your infection really fucked you up and you had a possibility of going to a septic shock and after that to a multi organ failure.

“We’re gonna keep a close eye on you. For now you are stable enough for the regular ward but unfortunately with the lack of spleen there is a real possibility of a septic shock and if that happens we will have to move you to a monitoring unit for closer observation.”

Jongwoo nods trying to keep the tears of frustration and shame and actual fear at bay. He had been sick multiple times but it had never been this bad. Usually it was just some antibiotics and that was it. A few days being bored in the hospital ward while nurses came to give him i.v. antibiotics every six hours or so.

It was serious, this time. Possibly as bad as when he had had the surgery. And despite everything, how hollow his life had felt lately, Jongwoo doesn’t want to die. He should have listened to Jiwoong yesterday, he should have been less stubborn. He had made his bed, and now he has to lay on it. And to make the matters worse: Now Jongwoo would have to call Jiwoong and tell him everything.

Jongwoo takes out his phone and calls the familiar number. The first and the second one go unanswered. The third one goes through and Jongwoo is greeted with an unfamiliar voice of someone with the production team. He tries to not make it a big deal but they tell him that they will pull Jiwoong out of practice for him to deliver the news himself. A couple minutes later Jiwoong is on the phone.

“Jongwoo-yah”, he says and Jongwoo almost starts to cry.

“Hi hyung”, he says instead with a shaky voice. A lone tear escapes the corner of his eye and Jongwoo bites his lip. He feels like he has nothing to say. He really messed up this time.

“Did you go to the hospital?” Jiwoong finally asks. His voice sounds cold but Jongwoo knows it’s because he’s trying to keep himself together. Every time Jongwoo had been sick Jiwoong had been there. It was different for the both of them and probably horrible for Jiwoong being stuck on a survival program while Jongwoo was in a hospital.

“Yeah. I’m here”, Jongwoo says quietly. “Still at the ER. It... It got worse during the night.”

“I told you to go the hospital yesterday, Jongwoo-yah”, Jiwoong says because Jiwoong would never say ‘I told you so’. Sometimes Jongwoo wishes he did because then Jiwoong wouldn’t sound so worried.

“I know. But I really... I really thought it was just a cold, just -.”

“It’s never just a cold with you, Jongwoo-yah!” Jiwoong interrupts him and before Jongwoo can process that Jiwoong had just yelled at him, the older is already apologising. “I’m sorry”, Jiwoong says. “I’m just worried.”

“I’m sorry too”, Jongwoo says. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I just... I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

Jiwoong doesn't answer verbally but the small hum tells Jongwoo that he’s listening but still processing everything.

“They told me I have pneumonia. The infection markers are quite high. They say it could take up to a week.”

“Is it bad, Jongwoo-yah?” Jiwoong asks as if he didn’t hear or didn’t process any of what Jongwoo had just told him. Or maybe he just wants straight forward answers that Jongwoo doesn’t want to give him. He sounds defeated when he adds: “And please be honest with me.”

Jongwoo swallows hard. He can’t lie to Jiwoong. That’s something he has never done. He almost feels like lying this time, for Jiwoong’s sake. Because he has to stay focused, his dreams are at stake and even a tiny mishap could lead to that dream not coming true. And Jiwoong will worry, Jongwoo knows this. That’s why he tries to always put his best foot forward, to show Jiwoong that despite everything he’s doing okay, that Jiwoong doesn’t have to worry.

“It’s... It could be worse”, Jongwoo says. “The doctor said that... That it might get worse. “

“What am I gonna do with you?” Jiwoong mutters but he sounds desperate. “I should come and visit you.”

Jongwoo reacts fast. “No! Hyung, no. They are -, they are just being cautious. They are moving me to a normal ward once there’s enough room. It’s no different than any other time. I feel the same as always. They are just being cautious. You don’t have to worry. You really should focus on the show, focus on your next challenge. I will be fine here.”

“I can’t really focus now, Jongwoo-yah, I’m worried about you.”

And Jongwoo knows. He knows. But there’s no changing the facts. “Hyung”, he says. “There’s nothing for you to do here, okay? The pneumonia doesn’t know if you’re here or not”, Jongwoo tries to joke. “I will be fine here, I promise. I don’t... I will be okay, without you being here with me, okay? You have been during the other times and I will be bored without you for sure, but I will be fine.”

For a moment the call goes quiet and Jongwoo just feels so bad for Jiwoong. What a mess he has made.

“You will call, if it gets worse, right?” Jiwoong finally asks and then hurriedly adds: “They know to call me, right? If noona doesn’t pick up?”

“I promise I’ll call”, Jongwoo says and then swallows hard. “And yeah, I still have both of you marked as my emergency contact.” Jongwoo swallows his tears again when he adds: “I’m sorry I’m gonna miss your show. I really wanted to come. I miss you.”

“I really wanted you to come as well”, Jiwoong says. He doesn’t say I miss you, because he can’t, but Jongwoo knows. He knows from the sound of Jiwoong’s voice that he wishes he could say so much more.

“I’ll visit you after, okay?”, Jiwoong asks and Jongwoo quickly agrees. “If it gets worse I’ll come sooner, okay?”

Jongwoo wants to say that he doesn’t have to. That it’s not gonna get worse. But he can’t promise that.

“I love you”, he says instead even when he knows that Jiwoong can’t say it back.

“You too”, Jiwoong whispers and Jongwoo starts silently crying. He just misses Jiwoong so much.

“I have to go now”, Jiwoong says. “But I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Okay”, Jongwoo forces out. “Bye.”

“Bye”, Jiwoong says and hangs up and Jongwoo tries to cover up his sobs so not alert any other patients and the staff.

(Jongwoo hears the apartment door open and close as Jiwoong has finally made it home. He had been gone for a week and Jongwoo had finally been able to force himself to make dinner and clean the apartment after a flunk that lasted almost the whole week that Jiwoong had been gone. The dinner was still only half way done since Jongwoo had been forced to start with cleaning the apartment as his fogged up brain had left him unable to do anything until the very last minute. The apartment had been a mess and Jongwoo isn’t sure how that is even possible when the only thing he had done the whole week was to go to work and lay on the couch and sleep.

Jongwoo felt bad for the unfinished dinner. He had wanted it to be ready once Jiwoong arrived.

“Hi baby”, Jiwoong says when he enters the kitchen and gives Jongwoo a warm hug from behind. Jongwoo had missed this, missed Jiwoong, but the hug makes him feel both anxious and warm and Jongwoo doesn’t feel comfortable with the previous feeling.

“Hi hyung”, Jongwoo manages to say with some enthusiasm and pries himself away from Jiwoong’s embrace with the excuse of the noodles needing his attention.

Jiwoong seems to notice Jongwoo’s uneasiness. A fact that doesn’t surprise Jongwoo but he had been hopeful that the older one wouldn’t notice.

“Everything okay?”, Jiwoong asks and Jongwoo manages to give him a small smile. Nothing is okay, but Jongwoo doesn’t want to talk about it. He’s finally feeling better. He had cleaned the apartment, he had been able to go and get groceries and he’s making proper dinner first time in a week and actually craving for the food. Not like the previous days spent in bed not feeling like doing anything, barely staying hydrated and eating food that tasted like cardboard. Nothing was alright but it was all better now. It was just a fluke. A bad day. Multiple in a row but it was all better now.

“Yeah”, Jongwoo said. “Better now that you are here.” The ‘I wished you’d never have to leave’ and ‘it was lonely’ were something that Jongwoo wouldn’t say out loud until much, much later.)

...

Jongwoo stands frozen at the entryway of the practice room. The last of his class has just left and Jongwoo was about to head home as well but a familiar figure is standing at the registration desk talking to his sister and even though Jongwoo can’t see the person’s face he can recognize the back, the shoulders, the way he is standing. It is all too familiar and every fibre of Jongwoo’s being is telling him to run, to hide.

His sister is yelling at the man, not at all bothered to cause a scene at her own studio. Jongwoo would have, but his sister had always been braver of the two of them when it came to their father.

Instead of feeling brave like his sister, panic is starting to form inside Jongwoo. Why is their father here? Why now, after all the years? Does he know Jongwoo is here, works here, comes here almost every day, or is he here for his sister? Neither case really made sense, neither of them having talked to their parents since they left the place they called home as children.

Jongwoo feels a sense of urgency to back his sister up, to help her, but he is rooted to the spot, the memories from before flashing in his mind’s eye as he gingerly closes the practice room door, shutting himself out from the outside world.

He remembers the hands around his neck, how it was hard for him to breathe. He remembers his father’s face, ugly with anger, and the screams of shame and disappointment that he threw at him. He remembers his head hitting the wall over and over again, the way the hand grabbed his hair and the roots almost gave out. He remembers finding himself on the floor, remembers his mother as she refused to react, to do anything else than to look away. As if she hadn’t just witnessed his husband lay his hand on an 18-year old boy, the boy that was her own son.

Jongwoo blinks and finds himself clutching at his own hair while trying to make himself as small as possible, as if to defend himself, his back against the wall, crouched low, his hands protecting his head while his breath comes out in short gasps. He knows he’s having a panic attack, it isn’t his first time but knowing it was happening did not help no matter how many times he tells his mind to breathe normally. His body refuses because the reason for almost everything in Jongwoo’s fucked up life is right outside the glass door.

Jongwoo feels his stomach shrink into itself, his breathing is starting to pick up even more, there is pain on his ribs and he feels like throwing up. But he can’t stop, can’t get his body to listen. He tries to unravel himself from the crouched position he is in. Tries to focus on one finger at a time but it isn’t working. His calves are starting to go numb, he can feel pain at the back of his neck and head. He is so fucking useless. How can he not keep himself together? How is it that one person has so much power over him? That it has him covering in the corner of a dance studio, crying, panicking as if he were to die.

The glass door opens and Jongwoo stops breathing. He doesn’t mean to, doesn’t want to, but his body ultimately shuts down. He can hear the foot steps, someone calling his name but no thoughts are able to run through his head. He feels like he is suspended mid air and the time has stopped. He can’t move, he can’t breathe, he can’t think.

Suddenly there is a hand on Jongwoo’s shoulder and he flinches so hard he feels his head hit the wall. He covers his head on instinct, tugging his chin even closers to his chest and then the sobs break through. He is so scared he feels like he’s going to die. His heart is thumping against his chest the pace so fast and strong that it feels like it’s going to break away from his chest shattering all the ribs once again. Jongwoo can register he’s sobbing uncontrollably, the blood rushes in his ears and he can no longer even hear anything else.

The hands are there once again and Jongwoo tries his best to fight them but instead of being cruel and hurtful they force their way around him, around his waist and at the back of his head, that makes Jongwoo panic all over again, but then he’s tucked into a familiar chest and held tightly and little by little Jongwoo feels his body start to relax on the hold.

He doesn’t feel safe, not really, but the panic is starting to descend and he can properly feel his limbs again. His hands shake but they are able to grip on the other person’s hoodie, the only way that Jongwoo feels like he can express that he wants them to stay there. They are no one scary, so he wants them to stay. They are familiar, safe. It takes Jongwoo’s brain a little more time to realize that they are talking, telling him to breathe and Jongwoo finds it hard even though his lungs burn from the lack of oxygen but the voice is telling him again to breathe and finally Jongwoo is able to get a ragged breath in and out. They ask him to do it again so he repeats and repeats and repeats until he realises that the voice belongs to Seunghwan and Jongwoo feels himself relax all the way. It’s Seunghwan. Seunghwan knows him. He’s a safe person. Jongwoo can trusts him. So he lets himself relax in his friend’s hold. His sweet, rational friend who just gets him in a way that no another person in the planet seems to. He has Jiwoong, who was his world, his sister who he could trust with his life and then Seunghwan who understood him when no one else would, who was there if no one else was, who always supported him, always took care of him without making a fuss about it, who trusted him and his abilities to take care of himself. He wouldn’t treat him with kids’ gloves after this. He would make him talk about it but he would understand. He always did.

“You back with me, Jongwoo?” Seunghwan asks, his voice calm while his hand keeps running soothing circles on Jongwoo’s back.

“Hmmm”, Jongwoo answers. His brain feels fried at this point and finding more coherent answers in the moment feels like a task. Somewhere in the back of his brain Jongwoo realises that the panic attacks had never been this bad before and he feels like maybe he should be worried about it but he just feels numb, little emotionless and like he wants sleep for a week. He’s feeling his body now but it doesn’t feel like his own. He just wants to lay down on his own bed and not think for awhile.

Jongwoo isn’t sure how much time passes, he feels like he’s floating outside of his body. He’s not really feeling anything and the thoughts are hard to come by. But he feels safe.

“Jongie?” Seunghwan asks.

“Hmmm”, Jongwoo answers back. It’s hard to talk with his mouth feeling so dry.

“What do you wanna do?” Seunghwan asks. It feels like a hard question to answer because Jongwoo doesn’t know what he wants. He knows what he needs: he needs that none of this ever happened. But he can’t have that. He needs a place to be. A place to be safe. A place where he doesn’t have to be alone.

“Can we go? To your place?” Jongwoo is able to mutter out to Seunghwan’s hoodie.

Seunghwan pads Jongwoo’s hair gently. “Of course, Jongie. Let’s go home.”

(“He’s just having a bad day”, Seunghwan says to Jiwoong on the phone but the older one isn’t having it.

“It’s not just a bad day, Seunghwan, it’s been a bad week. He’s not listening to anything that I’m saying. He’s just being his stubborn self and not taking care of himself.”

Seunghwan let’s his breath out through his nose slowly. He knows what Jiwoong is talking about. Seunghwan has hung out with Jongwoo every other day this week and every day he seems worse than the one before. Seunghwan makes sure to invite him to lunch or dinner every day that he sees him because he knows Jongwoo is unable to say no to him. Seunghwan knows he’s having a bad week but they don’t talk about it until it’s over. That’s their silent agreement. Seunghwan doesn’t hover but invites the other for lunch or dinner and a possibility of a sleepover and once Jongwoo gets over his slump he will talk to Seunghwan about it. But Seunghwan knows Jiwoong is right. It’s not just a bad day, it’s a bad week and usually they don’t last this long.

“What do you want me to do about it?” Seunghwan asks even though he knows the answer. Jiwoong wants him to start asking the same questions that Jiwoong has been asking: have you eaten? Have you taken your medication? Are you sleeping? Did you see the sun at all yesterday? Are you doing okay? What can I do to help? But Seunghwan can’t do that.

“He won’t listen to me, so maybe he will listen to you”, Jiwoong says.

“He does listen to you”, Seunghwan says. Jongwoo always listens to what Jiwoong has to say. He doesn’t agree with him on occasion but it is always in the back of his mind. Seunghwan knows this because Jongwoo tells him every time. Tells him how he wishes he could find the well meaning in Jiwoong’s inquiry and questions but instead he feels overwhelmed and even less motivated to do anything about it because what if he fails and disappoints Jiwoong even more?

“It doesn’t feel like he does”, Jiwoong says and takes a deep breath. “I just want what’s best for him.”

“I know. And Jongwoo knows that as well.”

“Can you...?” Jiwoong starts but hesitates probably because he doesn’t know what to ask or how to ask it. “I mean... He tells you everything, right, Seunghwan-ah?”

“Probably not everything.”

“He talks to you, after his bad days, right?”

“Yeah”, Seunghwan answers. “Usually few days later he will tell me if there’s something.”

“How do you do it? I mean, he doesn’t tell me anything.”

“You know that’s not true, hyung. You guys talk about most things.”

“Not about everything.”

“He’s just...” Seunghwan starts but decides on a different approach. “I’m won’t talk for Jongwoo, he can do that himself. But Jiwoong you have to understand, I’m the only one who’s on Jongwoo’s corner.” Seunghwan let’s the words sink in and then continues before Jiwoong can answer. “And hear me out. I don’t mean that you don’t have his best interests at heart because I know you do but, hyung, he opens up to me because I don’t ask. Because I act normal. Every day is the same with me whether it’s a bad or a good day. He gets to be normal with me. He doesn’t have to talk about doctors appointments or what he forgot to do or about his meds. I don’t force him to go to the hospital when he doesn’t want to and I don’t tell him to remember to takes his phone with him when he leaves the house. I don’t have to because you do, because his sister does, because Hwanhee-hyung and Dongyeol-hyung do. So I’m the only one that’s on his corner. Because someone has to because that’s just how he works. At least for now. Because if I start doing the same thing as you do he’s gonna shut us all out and that’s not something we can do.”

The silence last long enough that Seunghwan wonders if Jiwoong hang up on him.

“This is fucked up”, Jiwoong finally says.

“I know.”

“I wished he wasn’t so fucking stubborn.”

“Just so you know, hyung.”

“Hmmm?”

“If push comes to shove, I’m gonna shove him if he needs me to, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

“Thank you, Seunghwan-ah. You’re a good friend.”)

“Jongwoo? Are you... Was this the first time you saw your father? After...”, Seunghwan pauses trying to find the words to describe what the other had gone through only a few years prior. Seunghwan doesn’t know much. Only that Jongwoo hasn’t had any kind of relationship with his father or mother since he was 18 years old and had moved out of their house to his sister’s. Seunghwan knows that the actions leading to the decision hadn’t been pretty.

“No, I mean yes, I mean... I haven’t seen him since... Since then. Since everything went down. Gosh.. I... I...” Jongwoo is bouncing around Seunghwan’s apartment. At the studio, he had been anxious, scared and deathly calm after coming out of his initial panick attack. Now he is hyper, unable to stay still, his hands either running through his hair in frustration or his teeth finding his nail beds to bite on. He is walking around the apartment like he’s looking for an escape, stopping every once in a while to take a deep breath and starting all over again. Seunghwan feels anxious even watching.

Seunghwan takes some bandages out of the cupboard and takes Jongwoo by the hand, making the other flinch at the sudden contact but he doesn’t pull his hand away from Seunghwan’s. Jongwoo is still breathing harshly and his eyes are unable to meet Seunghwan’s for more than a second before they start bouncing off the walls, looking at the locked front door, back to Seunghwan and at the door again. Seunghwan can see Jongwoo is both panicking and absolutely terrified. Seunghwan guides Jongwoo to the sofa and the other lets him and sits down after the last brief glance at the door.

At first Seunghwan doesn’t say anything, he just focuses on putting the bandaids on Jongwoo’s bloody nail beds and Jongwoo lets him do it in silence.

“You never told me what happened that day.”, Seunghwan finally says carefully when he figures Jongwoo has calmed down enough. There is less twitching and he has left the front door alone so that is an added bonus.

”I don’t… I don’t remember much”, Jongwoo rambles and Seunghwan can see that even trying to remember is hurting him.

”Okay.”

”I… I don’t. I don’t want to remember.”

”That’s okay”, Seunghwan says quietly trying to hold himself together. Seeing Jongwoo like this... It is hard to keep his own emotions in check, to try and be there for him.

”But I can’t forget it either. It’s still there and I feel like… “, Jongwoo stumbles over his own words and takes a deep breath. “It’s been years, and I’ve been living with it, and now even… now there are days when I don’t even think about it. For a moment, for a day or two I can live in the bliss. Like it never happened. But seeing my dad, my father there… I… I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t-” Jongwoo is clutching at his chest like even now the air in his lungs isn’t giving him enough oxygen. Seunghwan grabs his hand back into his to give the other some comfort but mostly it seems to pass by Jongwoo.

“I couldn’t share the same space with him. I… I just wanted to disappear I… I… Seunghwan, I don’t know what to do.”

”Just tell me. You can tell me what happened then. All of it. None of it. Everything and anything you want. You don’t have to carry it alone anymore”, Seunghwan pleads. He can see Jongwoo struggling, how much he is hurting, how much it is eating him up inside, how much he needs to let it out, needing the emotion to take over but how much he is struggling to let it consume him.

”I…” Jongwoo chokes on his words. “I don’t”, Jongwoo cries taking in a few sharp breaths bringing his other hand’s battered and band aided fingernails towards his teeth so Seunghwan takes that hand to his own as well, forcing him to stop.

”I just… I wished it never happened”, Jongwoo whispers, all the fight seeming to have left him. “I don’t… I don’t want to be this person.”

”What do you mean, Jongwoo?” Seunghwan asks, trying his best to understand.

”I don’t want to be one of them. One of the people who got… I don’t want to be the victim of domestic abuse. I don’t want to have to be that. I was normal before that but now… then… then it happened and now… now it’s never going to leave. I trusted people before and now I don’t. I don’t… I just don’t want to be that, I don’t want to feel like this I just… I want things to be like they were before. I thought it got better. I thought I got over it. And now I can feel it again and I don’t want to. I don’t want to Seunghwan, I just want it to stop.”

”Okay, Jongwoo. Okay. It’s okay”, Seunghwan says and lets go of Jongwoo’s hand to give his arm a comforting rub. “I know you wish it never happened, but it did. And trying to deny it is not going to help. But it doesn’t define you, okay? You’re not a victim, you’re a survivor. You survived. And it doesn’t get to define you. Just like having epilepsy doesn’t define you, remember? You made sure of that. You’re the same person. These things, they just shape us but it doesn’t make us who we are, okay?”

”He holds the power over me”, Jongwoo whispers his voice broken.

”What do you mean?” Seunghwan asks. Again. It’s seems to be the only thing he can think to ask because he just doesn’t understand. He wants to, but it seems like he can’t.

”He.. what he did… he…” Jongwoo falters in his words not continuing.

”You can tell me, Jongwoo”, Seunghwan says carefully, kindly. Jongwoo seems to consider if he wants to say anything anymore. The silence is long, oppressive and every counted second feels like entirety to Seunghwan.

”I don’t know how he found out. He just… I had to say it out loud. I had to come clean, I had to come out and he just… he looked so angry and mom… she looked so disappointed. I can’t… suddenly I was on the floor and… I think he hit me and maybe again but I can’t remember. I just… I remember he pulled me up by my hair and pushed me against the wall and he had his hand around my throat and I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t… And my mom she didn’t do anything”, Jongwoo says sounding bitter, defeated, lost. “She didn’t even spare a glance at me afterwards. I had to pick myself up from the floor and… it’s like it never happened. I’m not… I’m not even sure if it did. What if it’s all in my head? It’s not like it left a scar. It’s not like anyone was there”, Jongwoo says and more tears track down his cheeks, his eyes are glazed over like he’s back in the memory.

Seunghwan considers for a moment what to say. How to convince Jongwoo that it is not all just his imagination. ”What did you do after?”

”Called noona”, Jongwoo answers wiping the tears from his cheeks.

”Did you tell her?”

Jongwoo shakes his head. A no then.

”What then?”

”I don’t… I was scared of being there. I was scared it would happen again”, Jongwoo says his voice quivering. “So I… I moved to noona’s two days after. She was so upset.”

”Why was she upset?” Seunghwan asks, figuring this was how he was going to convince Jongwoo.

”She saw the bruises and she wanted me to go to a hospital but I didn’t want to.”

”But it happened. Noona saw the bruises so it happened”, Seunghwan says. “Did you go to the hospital?”

”Yeah.”

”So it happened. You could even file a report still, if you wanted Jongwoo”, Seunghwan says padding Jongwoo’s sweaty locks. “It happened.”

”It doesn’t feel real. I feel like… I feel like I’m being too sensitive about it”, Jongwoo says his eyes downcast.

”Why?” Seunghwan asks, surprised his friend would even think that. What had happened to him was horrible. Something that should never happen to anyone. No parent should ever lay a hand on their own child, on any child.

”Because it’s not like I’m the only one. But everyone else seems to be doing fine. And I thought I was too. But I’m not. And I want to be.”

”It’s not a race Jongwoo. You’re doing the best you can.”

”Am I? Because I don’t feel like I am.”

”Jongie-yah. It’s all good”, Seunghwan says in a soothing voice and repeats it because he needs to reassure himself as well. “It’s all good. It’s not your fault. You’re trying to push through and that’s all you need to do. None of this is your fault. And you don’t have to try harder if you don’t want to or if you’re too tired. This all … it’s good enough. You’re good enough.”

”I just want it to stop hurting”, Jongwoo whispers his voice cracking, the paused tears streaming down his face once again and Seunghwan pulls him into a hug and tucks him into his chest as Jongwoo’s sobs make the other tremble and shake in his arms. The sobs get louder and once again Jongwoo is struggling to breathe through them but Seunghwan just holds him and runs his fingers through Jongwoo’s hair, rubbs his back in a soothing manner trying in every fiber of his being wordlessly tell Jongwoo that he is there for him.

”I know, Jongie-yah, I know. I’m proud of you, okay? You’re doing so well despite everything. It’s all good. I’ll be here, always”, Seunghwan says while trying desperately hold on to his own tears so that his voice doesn’t crack over the words that are meant to be reassuring and not coated with sadness.

(“I had another panic attack the other day”, Jongwoo admits to Seunghwan.

There’s a silence when Seunghwan tries to ponder how to respond. That’s something that Jongwoo admires about him, and Jiwoong as well. They are careful with their words, something that Jongwoo himself wasn’t particularly good at.

“Any particular reason?” Seunghwan asks carefully and Jongwoo shrugs as an answer. It all sounds too stupid when he starts thinking about it.

“I was just watching a drama”, Jongwoo starts. Seunghwan doesn’t say anything, just waits for Jongwoo to continue. Jongwoo starts to feel even more stupid.

“It had violence in it”, he admits, feeling ashamed. “Brutal, unexpected violence. I wasn’t prepared for it. So I think that’s why.”

“Have you thought about talking to someone about it?” Seunghwan asks and Jongwoo forbids himself to be hurt by the words. He knows what Seunghwan means but he refuses to acknowledge it.

“I’m talking to you about it.”

“I mean a professional, Jongwoo. Does Jiwoong-hyung know?”

“Yeah”, Jongwoo mutters. “I mean, the basics of it.”

Seunghwan is quiet once more.

“I’m sorry I’m dumping this on you.”

Seunghwan’s face softens. He almost looks guilty and Jongwoo feels worse. “I know you are.”

“It’s not fair to you that you have to do it. Hold me together.” It’s hard to admit to it to himself at this point, that he can’t do it on his own and that he can’t rely on Jiwoong for everything.

“I’m just glad you’re talking to someone about it”, Seunghwan says and pulls Jongwoo into a hug that Jongwoo wants to refuse but can’t, hugs are his soft spot, and Seunghwan knows it.

“I’m so sorry, Seunghwan, for everything.”

“You’re my friend, Jongwoo, I would do anything for you.”)

...

Matthew could see it, the exact moment when it happens but he is still too slow to react. Too damn slow. He sees the moment Jongwoo falls forward towards the kitchen counter and all the way to the floor once the seizures start and Matthew just... Doesn’t do anything.

Matthew feels frozen to his core, frozen, as if his heart was actually covered in solid ice and his feet frozen to the kitchen floor of their dorm because they refuse to move, they feel too heavy. It is like it’s a winter inside and the air is too thin, it is hard for him to brathe. It almost feels like a dream, like a nightmare but no matter how many times Matthew tries to blink himself awake, the scene is still the same: Jongwoo-hyung, his dear Jongwoo-hyung, seizing on the floor while Matthew himself does nothing.

It’s happening. It’s really happening. Despite having known Jongwoo for what felt like a long time already this has never happened before. And Matthew is all alone. No one is there to help him and Jongwoo is seizing and it looks horrible. Matthew feels a bile in his throat and he wishes and hopes that he could remove the image from his head. Jongwoo looks almost possessed. The way his limbs move is unnerving, unnatural and wrong. This isn’t his Jongwoo-hyung. This is not the image he has of him in his head.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Matthew realises that he isn’t made for this. He can’t do it. He doesn’t know what he is supposed to do. He knows he is supposed to know all about how to help a person when they were having a seizure but none of it is coming to his mind when it is actually happening right before his eyes.

“Hyung”, Matthew finds himself saying just wishing that the seizures would stop already. It feels like they have been going on forever and he doesn’t know what to do. They are all alone at the dorm, there’s no one else there.

“Hyung. Hyung, please”, Matthew pleads and his mind is begging him to do something but his body doesn’t listen. Matthew can feel the tears starting to fill his eyes making his vision cloudy until they fall down his cheeks.

Jongwoo is still seizing but Matthew can’t remember when it had started. Has it been minutes or seconds. It feels like it has been forever. Time. Right, the time. Matthew needed to check the time. He fumbles the phone out of his pocket and checks the time: 19:21. But how long had it been? He has no idea how long it has been he doesn’t... What is he supposed to do?

With shaking hands Matthew calls Jiwoong. He is scared how the other is going to respond. He has failed. He has failed Jongwoo. He had frozen, he hadn’t checked the time.

“Matthew-ah?” Jiwoong answers. Matthew can hear the noise of the restaurant in the background. Matthew slowly kneels next to Jongwoo. He feels like he is in slow motion, underwater.

“I’m sorry, hyung”, Matthew finds himself saying.

“Matthew-ah, what’s wrong?” Jiwoong’s voice sounds immediately worried and it is all Matthew’s fault.

“I forgot to check the time.”

“What, Matthew-ah... What are you... Is Jongwoo-yah seizing?” Jiwoong asks with a panicked voice and Matthew finds himself crying even more.

“I’m sorry, hyung.”

“No, no Matthew-ah, you can’t... You don’t need to panic okay, it’s okay. Is Jongwoo-yah still seizing?”

“Yes”, Matthew answers with a broken voice.

“Okay, okay. You forgot to check the time?” Jiwoong asks with a kind voice. Too kind. Matthew didn’t deserve his kindness. His hyung is supposed to hate him, he’s supposed to yell at him for not being responsible enough, he was not supposed to be kind.

“I forgot”, Matthew chokes out his speech almost incoherent with how much he is crying.

“It’s okay Matthew-ah, it’s okay. You’re at the dorms, right?”

“Yes.”

“Hwan-ah is gonna call an ambulance, Matthew-ah, okay, just stay on the phone with me. Can you put me on speaker so you can make sure Jongwoo-yah doesn’t hit his head?”

“O-okay”, Matthew says and does just that. It’s harder than he thought, Jongwoo’s head is heavy and thrashing harshly. Matthew feels like throwing up. He wants to curl into a corner, close his eyes and ears so he wouldn’t have to see his hyung in such a state.

“Okay. Is he still seizing?” Matthew hears Jiwoong’s voice ask. Without even noticing Matthew had closed his eyes. He doesn’t know why but every fibre of his being is trying to make him fall apart and he’s trying his best to keep himself together.

“Yeah”, Matthew answers to Jiwoong’s question.

“Okay, Matthew-ah, the ambulance said they are gonna be there in five minutes. Just... Hold his head gently and if he stops seizing, you just tell me, okay?”

“O-okay.”

“Okay, Dongyeol just went to pay our foods and we’re gonna take a taxi, but it’s gonna be a while before we get there.”

“Please don’t leave me alone”, Matthew pleads. Even the idea of being left alone in the situation is terrifying him enough that he can feel his stomach turn on into itself and his heart starting to beat a little faster and his sobs start to become uncontrollable.

“No, no Matthew, it’s okay”, Jiwoong quickly says trying his best to calm Matthew. “I’ll stay on the phone with you okay, and once the paramedics arrive I can answer the questions. It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, hyung”, Matthew says. He’s not sure how many times he has said, if he has said, but he is. He really, really is. Sorry for failing, sorry for not being better at this. Sorry for not being more dependable.

“Hey, hey, none of that Matthew-ah, you haven’t done anything wrong, okay. You’re doing so well, okay?”

“No, no I-I-I failed you... And Jongwoo-hyung. I couldn’t take care of him, it’s all my fault... A-and now I’ve ruined your night because you have to come and take care of hyung because I c-c-can’t.”

“You’re taking care of him now Matthew-ah, right?”

“Only b-b-because you told me what to do. I couldn’t...”

“Matthew-ah, I need you to listen to me okay. Take a deep breath for me and listen to me please. I’m proud of you, okay? This is the first time this has ever happened when you’re there, it’s okay to be scared.”

Matthew doesn’t find any words to say, he just tries to keep his sobs under control while Jongwoo is still seizing on the floor, oblivious to the world around him.

“You there, Matthew-ah?” Jiwoong asks.

“Mmhhh, yeah.”

“Is he still seizing?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, Matthew-ah-.”

The buzzer sounds. Someone is at the downstairs’ door.

“Matthew-ah, what’s going on?” Jiwoong asks over the phone.

“The buzzer”, Matthew answers. He is starting to feel little afloat. Like he isn’t really in control of his own body.

“It’s the paramedics, you have to let them in”, Jiwoong says, urging Matthew on, keeping him sane without realising it.

“But... But, I have to let go off Jongwoo-hyung to get the door open”, Matthew says. The sobs stopped when the world started to feel weird around him but Jiwoong had pulled him right back and the panic was starting to settle in once again in Matthew’s bones.

“It’s alright, just... Just buzz them in and open the apartment door. Then you can get back to Jongwoo-yah, okay?”

“O-okay.”

Matthew quickly runs to the buzzer without saying anything into the mic and opens the apartment door in a hurry before returning to Jongwoo.

“Did you do it?” Jiwoong ask sounding out of breath.

“Yeah.”

“Just few more minutes, Matthew-ah. The help is on the way.”

The paramedics, two of them, make their way into the apartment making Matthew flinch. One of them make haste to Jongwoo’s side asking Matthew: “Has he been seizing the whole time?”

Matthew finds himself nodding. “Y-yeah.”

The other paramedic speaks to the radio: “1172, this is 1152.”

“Givin 10 mg of midatsolam intra nasally, the patien has been seizing at the least over six minutes”, the first paramedic says to the second one before quickly turning to Matthew. “Does he have a history of seizures?”

Matthew hears the static of the radio. “1152, 1172.”

“Sir?” the first paramedic asks and the amount of noise around him is making Matthew feel dizzy.

“Matthew-ah, you can give them the phone now, I can answer all the questions”, Jiwoong says over the phone.

“We have a young male, mid twenties, still seizing. Just gave him 10 mg of midatsolam. We’re gonna need help in evac. How far away are you? 1152.”

“H-he... He got a meningitis a year back and he has been having seizures after”, Matthew answers the first paramedic finally finding himself able to answer something coherent.

“Anything unusual happen before?” The first paramedic asks. The radio on his shoulder keeps talking and Matthew finds himself unable to focus on the conversation at hand.

“We are two minutes away. 1172”, comes out of the radio.

“N-no, we were just making dinner”, Matthew says.

“Has he been taking his medications?”

“I-I d-dont know”, the tears are back when Matthew answers.

“Grab a stretcher, will ya? 1152”, comes out of the radio. Matthew really wishes it wouldn’t be so loud.

“Copy that, 1172.”

And just like that Jongwoo stops his seizing.

“I checked the meds just this morning, all the slots till this day were empty but he’s had two seizures already this week”, Jiwoong’s voice comes over the phone.

“Okay”, the paramedic answers. “He stopped seizing for now, will you help me turn him on his side?” he asks from Matthew.

Matthew is still holding on to Jongwoo’s head. Jongwoo still has his eyes closed. He looks like he is just sleeping.

“Sir, what’s your name?” the paramedic asks snapping Matthew back to reality.

“Uh, Matthew.”

“Matthew-nim, you can let go now. Help me please turn your friend to his side”, the paramedic instructs.

“Right”, Matthew says and together they turn Jongwoo to his side. It feels abnormal to Matthew. Jongwoo isn’t helping them along at all.

“What’s your friend’s name?”

“Jongwoo.”

“And who’s on the phone?”

“Jiwoong-hyung. He lives with Jongwoo-hyung”, Matthew answers. He’s not sure when he learned to be so vague about it and he’s not sure if he likes that it comes so easy now. He feels like he’s lying but he knows he’s lying for a reason. Because both Jiwoong-hyung and Jongwoo-hyung asked him to, and he should be happy it’s natural to him now. Means that he’s more unlikely to slip up. As if the paramedic would care. Matthew feels even worse.

“Okay. I’m gonna take some vitals from your friend here and my partner is gonna ask some questions both from you and Jiwoong-nim, okay? Then we’re gonna take Jongwoo-nim to the hospital since the seizure lasted for more than five minutes.”

“But how do you know?” Matthew asks confused. “I-I... I didn’t remember to check the time when it started.”

The paramedic just gives Matthew a sympathic smile. “It took us six minutes to get here.”

Matthew found himself being unable to answer anything to that.

“How about you go sit on the kitchen chair over there. You can take your phone with you. It’s alright”, the paramedic says probably sensing that Matthew doesn’t want to move away from Jongwoo. “I’ll take care of Jongwoo-nim for you.”

Matthew still feels like he is underwater or that he is not really in his body, like he is an outsider looking in, like none of this is really happening to him. It feels unreal, unstable, it is hard to focus on anything. Matthew feels a pair of hands grab onto his shoulder and guide him to sit on the kitchen chair. “Breathe, Matthew-nim”, Matthew hears a voice say and only then does he realise that he feels like he is running out of oxygen and he takes a rattling breath in and then another.

“Matthew-ah, are you alright?” Matthew hears Jiwoong ask through the phone but Matthew finds himself unable to answer, unable to do anything really.

“Your friend seems to be in a bit of a shock but otherwise fine. We’re gonna take him to the hospital with us with Jongwoo-nim. Are you able to come and get him from there?” the paramedic asks. It’s a different paramedic, the one that was speaking to the radio. The one who talked to Matthew before is by Jongwoo, taking his blood pressure and trying to coax him to wake up but Jongwoo doesn’t seem to be reacting in any way. The paramedic keeps talking to him anyway, explaining what he is doing and urging Jongwoo to open his eyes but with no result.

“Yes, we’re getting into a taxi right now. How is Jongwoo doing? Has he woken up?” Jiwoong’s voice comes through the phone.

“Not yet”, the second paramedic answers and Matthew is glad. He doesn’t feel like he can form any words at the moment. “We’re gonna give him a few more minutes before giving him some more medicine. The seizures have stopped for now. He has a history of seizures, right? From meningitis?”

“Yes, but they have always been fairly short. Less than two minutes all of them. And he has been taking his meds, I checked this morning. But he has had more seizures lately, he was supposed to visit the doctor after the weekend. This...this has never happened before.”

“Okay, that’s good to know”, the paramedic says and writes something on his notes. “Is he usually slow to wake up?”

“No, I mean, I don’t think so?” Jiwoong says and Matthew can tell that he is stressed. It isn’t creeping into his voice but he pauses more in his words, is grasping for familiar speech patterns to make it through. “We don’t usually try to rush it, we’ve come to a method that he tries to hold still before getting his bearings, because in the beginning he used to be so confused, you know, but he’s usually twitchy... I-I often hold his hand so he gets grounded and he squeezes back usually pretty quickly, to show that he’s somewhat awake.”

The first paramedic takes a hold of Jongwoo’s hands and tells him to squeeze. Matthew registers him turning towards the second paramedic and shaking his head. Matthew finds himself taking an aprupt breath in and there’s a hand on his shoulder again giving him a small squeeze and telling him it’s alright and he should try and remember to breathe.

“Okay thank you very much Jiwoong-nim, you’ve been a big help”, the same voice says. “I will go and help my partner with Jongwoo-nim so if you would please try and talk to Matthew-nim here.”

“Of course”, Jiwoong says and the paramedic gives Matthew’s shoulder a second squeeze before kneeling down next to Jongwoo and glancing at the Lifepac. Jongwoo has yet to wake up.

“Matthew-ah, you there?” Jiwoong asks just when a second pair of paramedics make it through the still open door with a stretcher causing Matthew to redirect his focus. They are talking among themselves in so much jargon that Matthew has trouble keeping up. He notices how he starts holding his breath again in his anxiousness so he tries to even it out once more.

“Matthew-ah?” Jiwoong ask again.

“Y-yeah, hyung. I’m here.”

“How are you doing?”

Matthew feels tears slip from his eyes his sight blurry and wavering. “I’m sorry, hyung. I’m so, so sorry”, Matthew says. He has to keep repeating it till forever. He fucked up, he knows. He needs for Jiwoong to understand that he didn’t mean to.

“Matthew-ah, hey, Matthew-ah”, Jiwoong tries but Matthew keeps mumbling to himself, saying he’s sorry again and again.

“Seok Matthew!” Jiwoong pretty much yells through the speaker of the phone. “Stop talking and listen to your hyung. You have nothing, absolutely nothing to apologise about, you hear me? Nothing.”

“B-but-“.

“No, Matthew-ah. No buts”, Jiwoong says firmly and Matthew has small realisation of wiping the snot out of his face to his sleeve.

“No buts?” Matthew asks meekly.

“No buts. I’m proud of you, okay? Hyung is proud of you. You did the best you could. I can’t ask for more, okay? Right?”

“But my best wasn’t good enough.”

“Jongwoo got help, didn’t he?”

“Yeah but it took me forever to do anything, I couldn’t ... I just...”

“Matthew-ah, we can talk about this later, okay? Right?” Jiwoong says kindly. “We don’t have to talk it out over the phone. You’re clearly upset and frightened and I just wanna make sure that you’re okay.”

“I don’t ... I don’t know.”

“Okay, Matthew-ah. That’s okay.”

“The vitals are normal. He’s not reacting. We have an I.V. in. Let’s give him another doze of Midazolam and head out. I’ll call the hospital on the way”, the second paramedic says and everyone else seems to be following his lead.

“Soohee-noona, are you the driver on this one?” the second paramedic asks from the only female paramedic.

“Yes”, she answers shortly while packing up all their gear while the other two bring up the stretcher where Jongwoo is now laying.

“You take him with you”, the paramedic says and points towards Matthew. “His name is Matthew, the next of kin is on the phone with him. I don’t think he’s in shape taking care of himself for now.”

“Understood, Daeshim-ah”, Soohee says and makes her way to Matthew. She’s smiling kindly at him but Matthew can’t even feel his face at the moment, let alone try to move his face muscles to a smile.

“Matthew-nim”, she starts with a quiet voice. “My name is Soohee. Why don’t you come with me and I can drive you to the hospital?”

Matthew just nods mutely to her question.

“Matthew-ah?” Jiwoong says from the phone. “We got ourselves a taxi already. We’ll be at the hospital with you soon, I promise.”

“Who’s on the phone?” Soohee asks.

“Jiwoong-hyung”, Matthew is able to mutter an answer. He’s starting to feel really sleepy.

“Jiwoong-nim, this is paramedic Kim Soohee. My colleagues are already heading to hospital with Jongwoo-nim and I’ll be taking Matthew-nim here with me with another ambulance so you don’t have to worry, they are both in safe hands.”

“Thank you so much, Soohee-nim. Me and my friends are on the way to the hospital already but it’s going to take us awhile”, Jiwoong says.

“Don’t you worry, we’ll make sure that they will both be looked after.”

They end the phone call. Soohee instructs Matthew take his phone with him, reminds him to take his keys and patiently waits for him put on his shoes and take his jacket. Her radio keeps making noise every once in a while but she shifts it on an earbud once they make it to the ambulance. She instructs him to sit on the front which makes Matthew feel weird but he guesses it would be weirder if he sat in the back all by himself.

“How are you feeling, Matthew-nim”, Soohee asks once she has pulled the ambulance into the traffic. She’s driving along with the cars with no sirens on.

“I’m feeling sleepy”, Matthew says. He doesn’t know why. There are no thoughts left inside his head, just numbness.

“It’s the adrenaline crash after a highly stressful situation. It’s completely normal.”

Matthew doesn’t answer. He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t feel normal. None of this feels normal. He looks at the city lights through the passenger window. It’s dark. The snow is slightly falling. It looks like a storybook moment.

( “I know that things... Haven’t really gone the way we wanted to, how we expected them to but. Even when everything feels wrong, even when I feel like everything around me is changing... I’ve always loved you. I’ll always love you. And no matter how many things for me feel uncertain, I’ve always known that you loved me. That to me has always been clear and despite all of my doubts, that’s something I never had to doubt, because you always showed it to me, always said it.”

“I didn’t always say it though”, Jiwoong argues and Jongwoo gives him a small smile.

“Once you started you never stopped.”

Jiwoong is speechless and without any words just rest his head on Jongwoo’s shoulder.

“Thank you for loving me”, Jongwoo says and gives a kiss on top of Jiwoong’s head and Jiwoong wants to say that the younger shouldn’t thank him but he’s too exhausted so he just enjoys the moment when he has nothing to worry about.)

...

Jiwoong feels the sense of déjà vu overtaking him as the taxi drops them off at the hospital. Every time the feeling is the same. He’s scared of what he finds inside when he has to enter through the ER doors because you hardly get any good news from there. Matthew had sounded so scared over the phone, so much so that Jiwoong had already feared for the worst. That his worst nightmare was finally here, entirely too soon. It wasn’t a rational thought. Jiwoong knew it wasn’t healthy to fear for your boyfriend to die every single day but it was there, with him in almost every single moment.

They found Matthew easily enough. He was in the waiting hall. There was a nurse talking to him in a soft voice, a comforting hand on Matthew’s shoulder. Matthew was nodding along to what they were saying and before Jiwoong could reach them the nurse was already walking away.

“Matthew-ah”, Jiwoong says along his approach and Matthew turns his red rimmed eyes towards him and starts crying earnest and Jiwoong immediately puts his arms around him pulling him into a crushing hug trying desperately to keep himself from crying because he knows ones he starts it will be impossible for him to stop. Matthew is hurting and the fact that he’s hurting is hurting Jiwoong. The fact that he doesn’t know what has happened to Jongwoo is making him feel on edge, little bit out of place.

Hwanhee is standing next to him and petting Matthew’s head in comfort and Dongyeol sits down gingerly on the uncomfortable waiting room chair looking lost. People around them are staring but at least they are trying to be discreet about it.

Matthew is starting to hyperventilate and Jiwoong is at the end of his capacity of being able to keep himself together but thankfully Hwanhee notices and guides Matthew to sit back on the chair.

“Sit down, Matthew-ah”, Hwanhee says gently. “Sit down so you can breathe properly. Let go of Jiwoong for a moment, he’s not going anywhere okay? But you need to breathe.”

Jiwoong wants to escape but Matthew is holding on to his hand so he can’t. It’s like Matthew knows that he’s going to escape but he won’t let him. Not that he would actually be able to, not as long as he doesn’t know what has happened to Jongwoo. So instead he holds his head high and forces the threatening tears away so Matthew won’t be able to see them.

Just then, when Matthew’s breathing is finally starting to even out, Jiwoong sees a nurse pointing at their direction and a doctor in a white coat approaching them in determined steps.

“Hello, I’m doctor Lee, any of you next of kin to Yoon Jongwoo-nim?”

“Y-yes”, Jiwoong says taking a step forward. Matthew still won’t let go of his hand. “I’m his emergency contact, Kim Jiwoong. How... How is Jongwoo-ah doing?”

“It is most likely that Yoon Jongwoo-nim suffered from a status epilepticus as in a seizure that lasts more than 30 minutes. The paramedics on the scene gave him the necessary medicine to stop the seizures three times without him regaining consciousness and I am sorry to say that we had to intubate him upon arrival so we could give him strong enough medicine and stop the seizures.”

Jiwoong is shocked to hear the news. He can hear Matthew beside him give out a sob and sharp intakes of breath from both Hwanhee and Dongyeol. Jiwoong is trying to scramble his brain for... anything. He wants answers. Some kind of answers. Any kind of answers. He needs to ask the right questions so he won’t be so confused later. “D-did it help? Did the seizures stop?” Jiwoong manages to ask because that is most important, right? To get the seizures to stop.

“We can not be sure without an EEG test, it will show us the activity in the brain and will tell us if the activity of the seizures is still on going. He will be moved to the ICU after he has been to a head CT scan to rule out all the other possible causes for the seizures and in the ICU he will be under constant monitoring and we can see his EEG 24/7”, the doctor says plainly. Jiwoong can see that he is trying to give all facts to him. No bullshit, which he appreciates.

“And what if, what if the seizure haven’t stopped?” Jiwoong asks his voice weavering as he gives a light squeeze to Matthew’s hand to keep himself grounded, reminding himself that Matthew needs him to be strong.

“If that is the case we will have to deepen the anesthesia to the point where we can no longer see the seizures in the brain activity”, Dr. Lee answered deadpan.

“And... And after that?”

“After that we will have hopefully reached the high enough dose for anti-seizure medicine in his blood and we can start slowly to lessen anesthesia in order for him to wake up.”

“How... “, Jiwoong swallowed. “How long of a time are we talking about?”

“Days, sometimes up to a week.”

“And the effects after? Is... Is he going to suffer more brain damage?” Because that was always something that both Jiwoong and Jongwoo himself feared. Jongwoo already felt like he was a liability, like he was causing too much trouble for everyone around him.

“It is impossible to say since we are not yet entirely sure about the cause of his prolonged seizure but if our assumptions are correct and the seizure is indeed caused by the lack of anti-seizure medication, there could very well be no after effects at all. But if the cause is something else that the CT scan shows us, then there might very well be after effects and they could include more brain damage.”

“So we will wait for the results of the CT scan? To know more”, Jiwoong asks.

“Indeed. You can visit him once we have gotten him settled in the ICU. A nurse can show you the way.”

“We know our way”, Jiwoong says and he hates it so much that he does. He hates everything about this.

“Very well. We will let the staff there know you will be coming. I will come and talk with you again once we have gotten the results from the CT and gotten a look at his EEG.”

Jiwoong nods and thanks the doctor who takes their leave. There’s ringing in his ears and he tries to remind himself to breathe. He feels Matthew’s hand detach from his and then Hwanhee is standing in front of him holding him from the shoulders.

“Sit down for a minute, Jiwoongie”, Hwanhee says as he presses him from the shoulders and forces Jiwoong to sit down on the chair directly behind him.

“Breathe, Jiwoong”, Hwanhee gently reminds him and Jiwoong takes couple deep breaths and feels the ringing in his ears to lessen and fade to the background. He can hear Matthew’s gentle sobs and when he looks to his right he can see that he’s crying into Dongyeol’s shoulder seeking for comfort. Jiwoong wishes that he could do that as well, bury himself into Hwanhee’s shoulder and not think for a moment but the feeling of responsibility won’t let him feel his own feelings because once he does that he will not be able to think clearly.

“Again”, Hwanhee says and Jiwoong takes a couple more deep breaths, and then a few more until he finally feels... Normal, maybe? Is this what normal now feels like? It’s normal to have conversations about your boyfriend with a doctor because the said boyfriend is once again in a hospital and it’s normal to know your way to ICU because you have visited it so many times? It’s normal to have your dongsaeng crying next to you because they have witnessed something for the first time that had become your everyday life? That doesn’t feel normal but yet Jiwoong feels like this is his normal and he hates it.

“Better?” Hwanhee asks and Jiwoong nods. He’s pretty sure that he feels the best he can. That this is the best it’s ever going to be.

Jiwoong’s face must say something because Hwanhee is looking at him worriedly but Jiwoong can’t deal with that right now. “Let’s just go”, he says curtly and takes Matthew’s hand in his and pulls the younger one into a hug. This he can do. He can do Matthew in his broken down state and he can do Jongwoo intubated in an ICU. What he can’t do is Hwanhee worried about him because he’s not going to break.

Waiting at the hallway dedicated for the family of ICU patients was nerve racking. There was only one other group aside from them, a young couple with a young child by the looks of it, but they didn’t seem too worried, despite them being there outside the official visiting hours. Maybe they had had some good news. Jiwoong wishes for some of those as well. Not too long ago he had seen the doctor from before go through the ward doors into the ICU bedside so he knows that they’d have to wait for at least a while longer.

Dongyeol and Hwanhee were having a silent conversation by themselves. Jiwoong couldn’t focus enough to know what it was about but they talked with soft enough voices that it was a comforting noise in the background. Matthew is still plastered on Jiwoong's side and Jiwoong is keeping his arm around him in comfort. Matthew hasn’t said much anything but Jiwoong doesn’t really expect him to and Jiwoong doesn’t feel like talking himself either. Right now Matthew is a good enough distraction but doesn’t need more than some physical touch to keep himself together. That’s something that Jiwoong can do for now but he doesn’t feel like he can do much more than that.

The door opens to the hallway and doctor Lee is making his way toward them as well as a nurse who guides the other group towards the patient bedside so they are left alone in the waiting area.

Doctor Lee greets them before getting straight to the point. “The CT scan showed us no outside causes for the seizures so we are comfortable with our diagnosis of this being a status epileticus caused by low count on anti seizure medicine in the blood. I have just visited Jongwoo-nim and talked with his nurse here in the ICU and everything seems to look as good as possible given the conditions.”

Jiwoong swallows the lump in his throat but nods anyway indicating for Dr. Lee to continue.

“The EEG doesn’t currently show any seizure-like activity in Jongwoo-nim’s brain so we are comfortable with the depth of anaesthesia for the time being. His vitals are steady so for now it’s only a waiting game.”

“Which means?”, Jiwoong asks.

“Which means that tomorrow morning we will lessen the anaesthesia step by step to a comfortable level. What we don’t want is seizure like activity on the brain start up again and we will stop if there are any signs indicating that and give it a bit more time. The purpose of all this is just to give us enough time to get Jongwoo-nim’s body enough anti-seizure medicine so that no more seizures occur for the time being.”

“You said, before, that it might take up to a week?”

“I am carefully optimistic now that it could be much less than that given that the current anaesthesia Jongwoo-nim is under is quite light and yet he has no signs of seizures. We will see how the night goes and we will know more.”

“Thank you. Will we-, will we be able to see him?”

“Of course. I will ask a nurse to come and get you once they are ready. Do you have any further questions?”

Jiwoong shook his head. “No, thank you.” The doctor takes his leave and they are left on their own devices once again.

The time starts to pace strangely and Jiwoong doesn’t know has it been mere seconds or many torturous minutes before a nurse finally emerges from the door and promises to take them to see Jongwoo.

They pair up and Jiwoong and Matthew are first to go. Jiwoong drags the younger one with him because he needs Matthew with him to be able to stay strong because he knows that he has to, for Matthew. The nurse tries to prepare them the best she can. Explains everything in a very well mannered way. She is calm and kind and she asks if Jiwoong has any questions before they walk in into which Jiwoong can only shake his head at for an answer. He just wants all this to be over with.

Despite all her prepping and all her words, Jiwoong isn’t prepared to what he sees or for the emotions that it is forcing him to feel.

The monitors and the atmosphere is familiar. The Jongwoo lying in front of him is not. He’s intubated, as they said, but Jiwoong isn’t prepared how it makes him look. The tube is hanging from the side of his mouth pulling out a facial expression that Jiwoong isn’t familiar with. There’s a tube going to his nostril, there are IV-lines in both of his arms and he has a silly looking cap on which according to the nurse is for the EEG.

The nurse is explaining more but Jiwoong can’t focus on it through Matthew’s crying so he gives up. He squeezes Matthew to his side and let’s the younger one cry on his shoulder while he himself holds back the tears. He can’t look at Jongwoo without crying so he forces his gaze out of the window where it’s snowing and lets the slow snowfall lull him to a more peaceful serenity where for a moment nothing can hurt him.

(“Am I a bad person for wishing that I’d never fallen in love with him?”

Jiwoong feels bad for asking that. For saying it out loud. But he needed to ask. The silence that fills the room after his question says more than a thousand words.

“It doesn’t sound very nice, given the circumstances”, Hwanhee says. “But it doesn’t make you a bad person.”

“I feel like a bad person.”

“Sometimes we do things that aren’t the best of decisions or do bad things, but it doesn’t mean we are bad people.”

Jiwoong feels tears prickling into his eyes but he tries his best to hold them back.

“Do you really wish that you wouldn’t love him?”

“If he dies, Hwanhee, if Jongwoo dies, I don’t ... I don’t think I will make it.”

Another silence. Jiwoong feels like the worst person.

“I know”, Hwanhee said defeated. “You love him.”

“I do. Too much I feel like. I never thought... This is not what I thought it would be like. It hurts. I don’t know how to do this without him.”

“Jiwoongie....”

“It’s getting worse, Hwanhee. It’s getting worse and more frequent and he is suffering. He’s telling me that he’s not but he isn’t happy with his life, I know that. I can’t... I can’t lose him.”

“Jiwoong, please-“.

“He’s getting tired Hwanhee, I can tell. And I’m getting tired too, of seeing him like this -.”

“You can’t talk like that, Jiwoong! He just... He just needs help, that’s all.

“He doesn’t want any help, Hwanhee, he’s wasting away.”

“Well you can’t let him!”

“Don’t you think I haven’t tried, Hwanhee?! I’ve tried everything I can but he can’t help himself and he’s refusing my help and I cannot force him even if I wanted to!”

“He’s just depressed, Jiwoong”, Hwanhee says quietly. “He’s not going to die because of it.”

“You don’t know that”, Jiwoong says harshly. “You can’t promise me that he won’t, can you?”

And Hwanhee can’t so he says nothing and lets Jiwoong brew in his anger and desperation because he, too, is tired. They are all tired.)

...

It is hard to try and open the pill bottle with only one hand but Jiwoong thinks he would manage anyway. He could get some kind of a grip with his fingers even if it doesn’t hold well with the cast. It is itchy and his hand is starting to hurt so he needs the painkillers.

A slip from his injured hand once Jiwoong thinks he has finally gotten the bottle open and the medication pills are spilled all over the kitchen floor and Jiwoong finds himself cursing. He lets out s deep sigh and sends a glance towards the kitchen ceiling. Of course.

“Hyung?” Jongwoo asks entering the kitchen. He takes one look at the pills before giving Jiwoong a somewhat amused smile.

“You’re getting clumsy, hyung”, he teases before crouching down and starts to pick up the medication back inside the bottle. Jiwoong huffs. “Why are they made so hard to open with one hand?” he whines.

“It is so that children like you can’t open them by themselves”, Jongwoo teases.

“You’re not that funny”, Jiwoong says and for that comment alone decides that he would not help Jongwoo clean up the floor. Servers him right.

“You get moody when you’re hurting”, Jongwoo says and waits for Jiwoong to open his palm and drops two pills on it before taking a glass from the cupboard and filling it with water. Jiwoong takes the pills and the glass from Jongwoo and swallows them down. He isn’t moody because he is hurting, he is moody because he is bored. It was day three with the cast on after landing poorly from a back flip and snapping his radius bone on his left arm. It hurts less now than it did then but it hurts anyway. Luckily he doesn’t need a surgery but he isn’t allowed on schedules for five weeks while the cast is still on and they said the pain was going to continue for a week if not longer and it was only day three and Jiwoong is just done.

“I don’t get moody”, Jiwoong says half heartedly and Jongwoo just gives him a look that says that he does not believe him.

Jiwoong turns towards the coffee maker. He doesn’t feel like he needs any, given that he is already antsy and not allowed to do half of the things he wants to but – Jongwoo would need his morning coffee and while Jiwoong was maybe moody, he wasn’t petty so he would make his boyfriend coffee even though the younger was very lightly making fun of Jiwoong’s situation.

Jiwoong should be thankful. Jongwoo is just trying to make him feel better, to lift up his spirits with the light teasing. Usually, Jiwoong finds it endearing and cute but this time something is just... Off. More than just the broken arm. Just the feeling of uselessness. It was gauging him. Making him feel hollow. He is so used to doing everything on his own, so used to just keep going all the time almost never pausing. Now he is forced to stop and think. He didn’t consider himself a person who just worked so much and took on other people’s problems so that he wouldn’t have to think those of his own but the last few days were showing that maybe he didn’t know himself as well as he thought.

Jiwoong puts the coffee maker on and his eyes land on Jongwoo’s pill dispenser. He takes it out to give it to Jongwoo and he casually checks the slots like he always does when he is home. Every morning and every night. And to Jiwoong’s horror, the slot from the night before still holds the two coloured capsules that Jiwoong was supposed to make sure Jongwoo took before he started sleeping.

Jiwoong couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t fathom the idea that he had actually forgotten to check Jongwoo’s med dispenser in the evening. The dread creeps in and the disappointment in himself takes over. He failed. He failed his one single most important job, to keep Jongwoo safe and in order for him to stay safe he has to stay healthy. Jiwoong has failed.

Jiwoong fails to say anything but Jongwoo seems to catch on quickly. “Hey, hyung, it’s okay”, Jongwoo says while taking a gentle grip from Jiwoong’s shoulders when Jiwoong refused to look at him.

“Don’t worry about it, hyung, it happens. I should be the one to remember to take my meds, just like I do when you’re not home.”

On the surface, Jiwoong hears what he says but none of it is registering because he forgot. He forgot the one thing he was supposed to remember, probably too busy whining how much his arm hurt and how bored he was and how life was so unfair to him, while failing at his basic task of taking good care of his boyfriend who was struggling enough and almost never complained about it. Jiwoong feels like hypocrite, a bad and an ungrateful one.

Jiwoong feels like he’s slipping away. The sounds are so far away, he almost feels like he’s drowning. His lungs are hurting and his vision is starting to blur. There’s a tight grip on his shoulder and it’s starting to hurt. Jiwoong wants to tear the fingers away. Then he sees Jongwoo’s concerned face in front of him. He can see he’s talking but the sounds are muffled and hard to make sense of. Jiwoong feels sad, he wants to hear Jongwoo’s voice but it seems impossible. His chest is really starting to hurt and he raises his hand to it, trying to ease the pain but his hand is quickly taken by another and he can feel a chest beneath his palm that’s not his own. The hand over his is warm and the rise and fall of the chest is calm. The grip in his shoulder is loser, no longer hurting and he can feel the tightness in his chest staring to ease.

“Hyung”, Jiwoong finally hears Jongwoo say his voice rough and concerned. Jiwoong takes a closer look at his face and he can see the worry lines in it, the sadness of the eyes.

“What-”, Jiwoong starts and coughs, clearing his throat.

“Hyung”, Jongwoo says again. “You had a panic attack.”

“What?” Jiwoong says his voice surprised because, no he didn’t. He would know. He has seen Jongwoo have an occasional one. Usually when he forgot important things or when he was having nightmares about his father. Jongwoo would shake in his arms and forget to breathe, he wouldn’t even move. He said it felt like he had no control over his limbs, that the commands weren’t going through, like he was trapped inside his body unable to do anything.

“No”, Jiwoong says shaking his head and cleaning his throat again. Jongwoo still looks at him concerned but hands him a glass of water of which Jiwoong is graceful for. It gives him time to think.

“It’s okay, hyung, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“No!” Jiwoong says little louder.

“Hyung...”, Jongwoo starts but Jiwoong isn’t there emotionally to have this conversation. He feels like he’s been pulled into all different directions in the span of few minutes, anger, disappointment and shame rolling through him until only denial is left. He can’t be having panic attacks on a Thursday morning when Jongwoo is supposed to leave for work to which Jiwoong can’t even drive him to because he has a broken hand. Jiwoong doesn't have any reason to have a panic attack.

“Let it go, Jongwoo-yah”, Jiwoong says and steps around the younger. The tears of frustration are starting to gather but Jiwoong has been enough of an emotional and physical burden for Jongwoo for the day. He’s not about to add any more to it. He enters their shared bedroom but he can hear Jongwoo cautiously following him.

“Hyung, please, let’s talk about it”, Jongwoo says from the door his voice soft and calm.

“There’s nothing to talk about”, Jiwoong says and sits down on the bed facing away from Jongwoo.

“Hyung, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, Jongwoo-yah, leave it.”

“Hyung-.”

“I said leave it, Jongwoo-yah!” Jiwoong shouts from the bed and if he weren’t so busy trying to get himself to just calm down and breathe and focus, he would have noticed how Jongwoo flinches when the loud words leave his mouth.

“I don’t wanna talk about it”, Jiwoong says harshly. The only emotions he seems to be able to produce are naked and raw, harsh and unapologetic. Jongwoo just stares at him seeming to be shaken by it all. It sobers Jiwoong up a bit but he is in no condition to deal with any of that now.

“You have a morning class to teach, Jongwoo-yah”, he says instead and the words snap Jongwoo out of his trance. There’s complicated emotion on his face that Jiwoong can’t quite read, which is frightening, Jiwoong knows all of Jongwoo’s faces, knows them better than his own with how much he has started at it over the years.

The next face is familiar. It’s the professional one, or the one that says try-and-stop-me.

Jongwoo takes a deep breath and turns on his heels without saying another word and slams the door closed. Jiwoong feels the tears gather in his eyes because he hates fighting, he hates making Jongwoo upset. Jiwoong curls himself to a ball on the bed his back to the bedroom door and almost holds his breath with how closely he tries to listen to the apartment door closing ones Jongwoo leaves so he can be with his misery in peace. But he waits and waits and all he can hear is the shuffling around the apartment as Jongwoo is packing his back but even after that is done, he doesn’t leave. Few more minutes go by and the door to the bedroom opens. Jiwoong closes his eyes and prepares himself for an earful from Jongwoo but instead he feels the mattress dib as Jongwoo settles on it, laying down behind Jiwoong and putting his arm around his waist. Jongwoo doesn't say anything when he presses his face between Jiwoong’s shoulder blades and inhales. The silence, for Jiwoong, is too much.

“You should leave”, Jiwoong finally says. “You’ll be late.”

“I texted noona to pick me up. I’ve got fifteen minutes”, Jongwoo mumbles onto Jiwoong’s back.

Jiwoong doesn’t say anything. He wants to apologise but at the same time, something is holding him back. He just wants to be left alone and Jongwoo isn’t letting him.

“I’d wished you’d talk to me”, Jongwoo finally says and the desperation of being alone in Jiwoong grows. He doesn’t deserve this. Not Jongwoo’s sympathy, not his kind words. Jiwoong had failed at taking care of him like he’d promised and afterwards had had a mental breakdown and yelled at Jongwoo. Yelled, at his loving and wonderful boyfriend who had been nothing but kind and worried over him even when Jiwoong had made everything about himself. It was Jongwoo they were supposed to be worried about because of Jiwoong’s lack of memory and his incompetence Jongwoo might have a seizure today and it would all be Jiwoong’s fault.

“I’m sorry”, Jiwoong says because he can’t think of anything else.

“You have nothing to be sorry about, hyung”, Jongwoo replies easily and Jiwoong swallows around the tightness of his throat. He feels Jongwoo’s breath between his shoulder blades and after a while it starts to get easier, him being there.

“I’m sorry for forgetting”, Jiwoong says. It feels like the easiest place to start. It’s an easy thing to say out loud.

“Hyung”, Jongwoo starts and presses a brief kiss on Jiwoong’s clothed shoulder. “It’s not on you, you know that right? It’s on me. I have to learn to remember, like I do when you’re not here. It’s on me.”

But it shouldn’t, Jiwoong thinks. Because Jongwoo can’t remember the way Jiwoong can. His brain doesn’t work that way anymore. It’s unfair for him to try and remember too much because it will be too much. Jiwoong was supposed to take some of the baggage, some of the things to remember when he was here. Oh how he wished he could always be here with Jongwoo. Every single morning and every single night. To remind him. To make his life easier. To make Jiwoong’s life easier because the amount of stress that he is under when Jongwoo is alone is sometimes almost unbearable.

This is when Jiwoong realises he has become a mother hen. That he is not treating Jongwoo as his equal but almost something less than. The realisation scares him. Makes him hate himself even more because when had he started treating Jongwoo as someone he had to take care of rather than his boyfriend? Was he overbearing? Was he too protective? The line wasn’t really visible to him because of course he had to take care of Jongwoo just like he took care of everyone else around him. Because he loves him and cares for him. He would never leave him to his own bearings.

“Am I too over bearing?” Jiwoong whispers in question. “Am I too much?”

“Hyung...”

Jiwoong finally dares a glance towards Jongwoo. He can see that Jongwoo is hesitant to answer. Like he’s scared not for himself but for Jiwoong, as if Jiwoong would break because of his answer.

“I need you to be honest with me, Jongwoo-yah.”

Jiwoong sees Jongwoo swallow and his gaze softening and he already knows the answer. “I know you don’t mean anything bad by it”, Jongwoo says and Jiwoong feels his heart sink. He can’t meet Jongwoo’s eyes anymore and he curls away from him.

“Hyung”, Jongwoo tries but Jiwoong ignores him. The silent tears trail down his cheeks and on to the pillow. Jongwoo’s phone rings. Jiwoong feels his arm leave around him as the mattress shifts with Jongwoo sitting up. It’s his sister. He tells her that he will be downstairs in a minute.

“Will you be okay, hyung?” Jongwoo asks. Jiwoong doesn’t know if he will be okay but he knows what Jongwoo is asking. He’s asking if Jiwoong wants him to stay. But Jiwoong doesn’t, or at least that’s what he’s telling himself. He wants to have his break down in peace, doesn’t want Jongwoo’s comfort and soft words or the light touch.

“Yeah”, Jiwoong chokes out. He clears his throat. “I’ll be fine.”

Jongwoo seems hesitant. Jiwoong feels the mattress shift again as Jongwoo plants a soft kiss on his cheek. “I love you”, he says.

“Love you too”, Jiwoong whispers. Jongwoo gives Jiwoong’s shoulder one last squeeze before he’s up and leaves the room and heads to work and Jiwoong finally allows himself to sob.

By the time Jongwoo gets back home, Jiwoong has cried about an hour, taken a shower to get himself together and started to read a book to keep himself distracted by his own thoughts.

For the whole hour after Jongwoo left, Jiwoong kept thinking of all the times he had wronged the younger, of all the times his reaction had been too extreme, too over bearing, too controlling. He was ashamed of how many he could come up with. Some instances made him feel like it was someone else, because the way he had behaved felt alienating. He couldn’t believe that he had behaved so poorly and how Jongwoo hadn’t said anything, and if he had Jiwoong had ignored it, told himself that it was all for Jongwoo, to keep him safe.

Now Jongwoo sat at edge of their shared bed. Jiwoong could see that he had showered at the studio by the way his hair looked untamed. For a moment neither of them say anything. Jiwoong had lowered his book the moment Jongwoo had entered the room with all the intent to apologise but one glance towards Jongwoo’s worried eyes and Jiwoong found himself unable to say anything.

“Are you feeling better?” Jongwoo finally asks never dropping his gaze from Jiwoong’s looking both cautious and curious with his head slightly tilted. Jiwoong can’t hold his gaze for long and instead stares at the book on his lap and nods.

Jongwoo waits a beat more. “I think we should talk about today.”

Jiwoong knows this. Hell, usually Jiwoong is the one forcing them to talk while Jongwoo is more likely to brush over things, apologise and move on. Jiwoong is not sure what’s changed, is it them or is it because Jiwoong doesn’t like talking about himself? Or maybe this time he’s scared of what Jongwoo is going to say because normally it’s the other way around. Most often it’s Jongwoo doing the stupid and Jiwoong needing to remind him to take it easy, to take his time, talk to him.

Jiwoong is adult enough, self aware enough, to know that he has done the wrong but saying it out loud and talking about it seems a step too far, too forward, too hard.

“Hyung?”

“Yeah, we should talk.”

Jiwoong doesn’t know where to start but Jongwoo goes straight to the point. “Was this the first time? You having a panic attack?”

Jiwoong wants to deny it being a panic attack but Jongwoo would know so it feels like a time wasted. The thought still seems foreign to him.

“Yeah, it was”, Jiwoong finally says. “At least I think so. I mean, the whole idea of it seems just off. I’ve seen you have them enough times but I still didn’t recognise it in myself.”

“I get that. Do you have any idea what caused it?”

“No”, Jiwoong answers. “I really don’t.”

“Maybe we should try and figure it out. For the future”, Jongwoo says and sits closer, more comfortably on the bed. Jiwoong stares at Jongwoo’s crossed legs. They are almost touching and Jiwoong is craving for the comfort but unable to reach out for himself.

“I really don’t want to go through all of it again”, Jiwoong finally says.

“Hyung, please. You have done this with me before. You know there’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I know that. It’s just... Hard”, Jiwoong swallows. It’s harder than he thought it would be.

“I know. Please”, Jongwoo pleads and lays his hand on Jiwoong’s knee giving it a comforting squeeze. Jiwoong almost feels like he’s touch starved with how much that one single touch is making him feel better.

“I guess, I just... I don’t know.”

“I know the last few days have been hard”, Jongwoo starts, trying to guide Jiwoong through it. “You’ve been more on edge. Unhappy. A little short tempered.”

“It’s just hard. To not be able to do anything.”

“You’re in pain”, Jongwoo says and he would understand, Jiwoong knows. After the surgery Jongwoo had been in so much pain that he hardly slept. The amount of times that Jiwoong had thought about taking him back to hospital so he could be in less pain were countless but Jongwoo had refused to go back. He had also been in a bad mood with the pain and lack of sleep. He would get it.

“I guess that too. But... Not being able to do anything, not being able to even drive you to the studio... I guess it makes me feel -, it makes me feel useless”, Jiwoong admits. He feels ashamed as the words come out of his mouth.

“You’re not useless, hyung.”

“But I am. I’m... Usually never around. I work more than I am here and when I’m here I’m too exhausted to do much. And now when finally I have the time I’m just either in pain or unable to do anything. I can’t cook, can’t even drive a fucking car right now to get some groceries while you’re at work. I’m just here, complaining about everything, sleeping and sulking and feeling sorry for myself like having a broken hand is the end of the world”, Jiwoong struggles out his voice picking up speed as he goes bitterness sucked into every word.

“You’re allowed to be disappointed”, Jongwoo says calmly and Jiwoong can’t look at him.

“I just feel like I’m being too much. I’m not making this easy for you.”

“Hyung, you don’t have to make things easy for me. I’m fine. I know how to handle you, even when you’re in a bad mood. If we’re being honest, I’m just glad you’re home more now, and I feel like an asshole for saying that because it’s not for the reasons that we should be happy about.” Jiwoong almost snorts out a laugh and glances at Jongwoo who’s giving him a faint of a smile. Jiwoong sobers up quick enough letting the words sink in.

“I think, maybe I should try to be happy being here, too.”

“You know you don’t have to, right?”

“I think maybe it would make it easier”, Jiwoong settles on.

“Maybe”, Jongwoo says and caresses Jiwoong’s knee lightly in comfort. Jiwoong lets himself get lost in the feeling for a moment.

“I just feel like I’m letting you down.”

“Hyung, no, why would you think that?”

“I just...”, Jiwoong starts and glances at the ceiling to keep the tears at bay. “I take care of you. Always. And now I feel like... I have failed to do that and then... Then I realised that I’m maybe not trusting you enough to take care of yourself as if you were a child that needed looking after and I just... I just hope that you know that no matter how I behaved or what I said that I was never looking down on you, or that I didn’t trust you, that it was all out of love but. I feel like I failed you. I was supposed to be there for you but maybe I have just been pushing you away, hoping you would behave differently for the sake of my sanity. I thought I was looking out for you but maybe I was just looking out for myself.”

There’s a long silence after Jiwoong’s confession and he dares a look towards Jongwoo. He looks conflicted, but mostly his eyes just look sad.

“Hyung I... I know that things have been hard for you too. From the get go. After we moved in together... We never really had the best start. It was like we were doomed to not having it easy. Yes, you can be overbearing at times, but we’ve talked about it, and you’ve started to get better at it. I care for you too, I take care of you too. It’s something you do when you love someone and I appreciate the care. It may not always seem like that, but I do. I’ve been too used to rely on just myself that at times it’s still hard to let other people take care of you. But I’m learning.”

“I’m just... I’m just scared for you Jongwoo-yah. It never goes away.”

“I know. I wish you weren’t. But... I can take care of myself. Despite everything. And you too, need someone to take care of you.”

Jongwoo swallows through the lump in his throat and suddenly he has a lapful of Jongwoo who guides Jiwoong’s head to his shoulder. “I will take care of you, huyng.”

(“Hyung?” Jiwoong makes a sound of some kind so Jongwoo would know that he is listening.

“Do you – do you think I should go to therapy?” Jongwoo asks and Jiwoong removes his eyes from his book to look at the younger but Jongwoo isn’t meeting his gaze.

“I think there wouldn’t be any downsides of going”, Jiwoong answers carefully and Jongwoo takes a quick glance at him from the corner of his eyes.

“I talked to my doctor about it. Or he brought it up. He said it could... Help. With other things as well. He said... That unless we solve the causes of my insomnia he’s afraid we’re never going to get the seizures under control.”

That was... a lot to unpack but there really isn’t much that Jiwoong feels he can say in the moment. “Okay.”

“It... it scared me. I don’t... I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life.”

“Then I think it would be good.”

“Would you go?”

“Me?”

“To therapy. Because I think, I think it would be good for you too.”

“Jongwoo-yah, I don’t –“

“Hyung. I can... I can see that you’re not doing okay. This thing... Me being sick I mean. It’s not only affecting me, it’s affecting you too and... I’d wish you’d talk someone about it.”

Jiwoong finds himself speechless. How had it come to this?

“Please, hyung.”

Jongwoo is begging him to get help when it was supposed to be the other way around. Jiwoong is supposed to take care of Jongwoo but now... Now he had been too caught up that Jongwoo had become worried. Worried enough to ask him to get help. Pleaded him to get help.

“O-okay”, Jiwoong chokes out. “I’ll go.”

Jongwoo gives him a relieved smile. “Thank you, hyung.”)

...