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He had been allowed to copy the recordings onto his laptop. The rest of the team had been kind enough to give him that, which he appreciated. He was unsure what he would have done if they had told him no. Or worse, had released the tapes to the public like the rest of the world had so desperately pleaded for. That wouldn’t have been fair. Not fair to him, or Kuroo. These were so dear and close to Kenma that the rest of the world didn’t deserve to see them. It was a breach of privacy that none of his team would allow.
So all other copies were destroyed. The mission files were neatly kept in a folder in a filing case that hadn't been touched in years. Collecting dust that would only keep collecting. The tapes “missing”. The only copy left was the set he had on his laptop. The laptop he doesn’t use anymore, tucked away in a locked safe whenever he didn’t need it. In fear that overuse would break it and the memories would be lost forever.
Tonight, with the rain a raging war outside, he sat underneath the warm glow of a lamp. A blanket draped over his shoulders as he balanced his laptop on the coffee table in front of the couch. Two mugs of coffee. One bitter and dark, exactly how he liked it, resting in his cupped palms. The other one was overly sweet with too much milk, left untouched/
His hand hovered momentarily, the cursor flickering over the small triangular button. Its alluring hand reached out to him, guiding his shaking palm onto the mouse. The voice recordings blinked back at him tantalisingly.
He pressed play.
16/04/3091 Log 1.
Hello- hey- is this thing on? I can see the flashing light so I’m assuming it’s on, which is good. Hope the camera is working– they really should’ve made this a bit better, considering these are aerospace engineers we’re talking about. You guys could’ve given me a screen that allowed me to see if I was fully recording or not. But hey, I’ll just hope that this video gets sent back to you no problem.
Anyway, this is Kuroo recording from the N3K0M4 ship. Mission is currently successful, the ship has managed to fly into orbit without trouble. I did my rounds this morning of double checks and everything was fine, nothing worthy of a comment. I have to say, this is amazing. You guys really outdid yourself this time. I can feel it– this mission is going to be a good one. I wish I didn’t have to do this all alone, would’ve made everything a bit more interesting. Hey– I’m not complaining though– I’m lucky to be one of the select few able to go up into space.
I’ll have mastered Solitare by the time I’m back. That’s my goal.
For now, I don’t think there is anything else I need to add. As I said everything is going as planned and I will be back tomorrow for another log. I hope you guys don’t get bored of my voice too quickly. By the third day, I bet you’ll be wishing you had sent someone else too, if only for the tonal variation.
This is Kuroo, signing off for now. I’ll be back soon.
17/04/3091 Log 2.
This is Kuroo, from the N3K0M4 ship. I think I've got this whole recording process down since you guys sent me one back saying everything was good. Today was the same as yesterday, nothing exciting happened. However, I do have to say the views from up here are incredible. I'll be taking a lot of pictures so I can come back and show you guys.
There was a door issue earlier that I suppose I should report. Door 4A, on the left side, but nothing worthy of worry, so do not fret. It was malfunctioning slightly with the opening and closing mechanisms but I managed to fiddle around and get it smoothly working again. I guess those classes you forced me to go to regarding engineering paid off, huh?
For now, signing off. If anything important happens tomorrow I'll sign back in and send a message. If not, I'll be back in a few days.
This is Kuroo, signing off for now.
19/04/3091 Log 3.
You guys seemed awfully worried about the door. As I said, it's all sorted though. The closing mechanism is fine and I tested it a fair few times yesterday and it worked every single attempt.
Oh– almost forgot, this is Kuroo, from the N3K0M4 ship, signing in.
I feel like I'll get to a certain point where it'll be too casual for introductions and signing-offs. I mean, you all know me so well and it's not as if I'm talking to the rest of the world, is it? Just you guys down there. I hope you're all doing well, by the way. This has been too formal.
Actually, am I allowed to ask you questions through this? I can hear my superior already sighing but what's he going to do? Come up here and stop me? I'd like to see him try. Since there is nothing to note and our trajectory to the satellite is fine, I'll ask my questions and I'll hope you guys are kind enough to humour me by answering.
First, Bokuto and Akashi, you've got to tell me if you managed to adopt that cat from the shelter you wanted. It's a crime that I was sent away before you could even confirm that to me.
Tuski, hope you're listening, my sweetie pookie wittle bear. I can use all the nicknames I want from up here and you can't stop me. Maybe the power is getting to my head. Who thought it would happen so quickly? Anyway, now I know you're going to be embarrassed about this but have you finally asked out that dude who works at the coffee shop? Maybe you can do it before I'm back and I can finally meet him since you've banned us all from going because you're worried we'll embarrass you.
Huh. Maybe I've just proven your point.
Anyway, Bokuto make sure he does, alright? Keep pestering our dear Tsuki and maybe he can finally land himself a date.
Yaku I hope you're not being too harsh on Lev, alright? Now that I'm not there to monitor you, you angry little man. Hey, hang on, I've realised I can insult you guys all I want from up here. Again, it's not as if you can chase me down. Though if I insult you too much I suppose I should be awaiting a kick to the stomach as soon as I step off the ship, huh?
Look– don't be too harsh on the newbie. He's going to do fine and you and I both know it.
And, finally, Kenma– now I would ask for privacy but I suppose that's a bit too much to ask since I know you all have to view these. So it sucks for the others who have to watch me ramble to you but that sounds like their problem, doesn't it?
So, Kenma, hey, hi, how are you? I don't have a question, not really. Just that I miss you. Sure, I miss all of you a whole lot but I miss you just a little bit more. When I'm back, let's do that game marathon we said we'd do, ‘kay? Where you'll obviously have to carry me and laugh at my terrible skills but it's enjoyable nevertheless.
Sounds like a date, right?
Well, now that I know for sure the rest of the team are rolling their eyes and fake gagging, I'll sign off.
This is Kuroo, signing off.
23/04/3091 Log 5.
Alright, so the door malfunctioned again. The one in sector 4A–
Wait. I'm great at forgetting– this is Kuro, signing in.
So, the mechanisms seemed to have locked up? My guess is the parts in the system that are allowing it to open and close automatically have packed up. Luckily nothing is wrong on that side currently so tomorrow I'll have a go at dissecting the metal work and looking at it. Should be an easy fix, so nothing to be concerned about.
However, if it does snowball into something else then I'll let you guys know.
Apart from that, nothing else to be noted. Smooth sailing for the rest of the ship– pun very much intended. We're on track to be at the satellite in the next day or two. Then I should be able to do the swap just fine and be on my merry way home.
Look, it's cool being up here, don't get me wrong. I'm up above you, so far away, and can see the earth from a viewpoint I never thought I'd get to see it from. But I miss you guys. I really do.
Ahem, anyway, I didn’t mean to get all sappy on you there.
This is Kuroo, signing off.
24/04/3091 Log 6.
This is kuroo signing in, and it's getting close! We're approaching the satellite and so I think either today or tomorrow we'll be able to do this. Though, I suppose it's hard for me to pinpoint when a day has ended and then, consequently, when a day has started.
Thank God for clocks. I never really did appreciate them when I was down on earth.
But yes, anyway, the satellite is near now so I'll do all the protocol for that and then I'll be back home in no time.
I really miss using an oven. I think that's one of the things that has hit me. No oven. No stove. Or microwave. I'm just here with my food sachets and packets.
Right. I'm getting sidetracked. I'll of course keep my voiced journal entries updated.
Kuroo, signing off.
24/04/3091 Log 7.
Oh, also, I've fixed the door.
…
Though I don't know how long it will stay. Any input from any of the engineers would be appreciated, just in case it flakes out on me again.
Alright, signing off. For real this time.
27/04/3091 Log 11.
This is Kuroo, from the N3K0M4 ship, signing in to deliver some brilliant news.
It has been a success! As you all probably know already, you watched me complete the mission. But I've done it and I am back on the ship and will be heading home.
Bo and ‘Kashi, I'm betting you've gone and adopted another cat. I could see you two doing that. Especially after Bokuto was adamant about adopting as many as he could from the shelters. I think his puppy-dog eyes have gotten to you, Akashi. I can't wait to see those little rascals.
I, uh, I didn't mean to ramble on about that but I guess these past few days have been taxing. The fact that it's done has set in and home is just beyond the horizon, I'm really starting to think about you guys.
Plus, no one is here to stop me from using this ‘professional report’ as my own personal journal. So you guys have to suffer. Suck it up.
Yaku, I don't have much to say accept I hope you've not scared Lev off. The kid has potential and you and I both know it.
Also, I guess I kind of miss your cooking. Prepare something for me, will ya? As you are such a dear friend to me.
Also, also, if he refuses, Akashi will you make him cook for me? You're the only one on the team he fully respects and I want some good food when I'm back.
Tuski, the only thing I have for you is I hope you managed to score that date. I've been thinking– I know, scary, isn't it? But I've been thinking up here and when faced with the vast unknown of space, your mind starts making you really think. Realllllly think. And I think you deserve it, you know? Go be happy. Stop caring too much, that's advice from your wise old pal Kuroo.
Finally, as always, my beloved. How are you doing babe? I can tell you're going to roll your eyes when you hear that but it's worth it. Just so I can show my love for you. When I'm back I'm going to give you the most–
Hang on, probably shouldn't say all of that. I may be unprofessional to a certain point but even I have standards.
When I see you, I'll give you the tightest, bone-crushing hug you've ever received. Yeah, let's go with that.
I hope you're not missing me too much. You must be enjoying the peace and quiet, heh?
That won't last though! My journey back has already begun so I'll be home before you know it and back on solid ground. I wonder if spending so much time out here in space will affect me somewhat. Like– what about the transition from zero gravity? Well, there's only one way to find out.
This has been Kuroo, signing off.
28/04/3091 Log 12.
I, er, I don't–
There's a problem.
Look, I don't know what's happened. If it was a mistake from the start or something has malfunctioned whilst up here. I'm going to have to investigate further. But, God, how do I put this–
I don't think there's enough fuel for me to get back.
It's– I don't know how this could've happened. Now, I don't want any of you guys blaming yourself okay? This might be, this might all be a misunderstanding, alright? I'll check. Double check. Even triple-check if I have to. I'm sure– I'm sure I've read something wrong and it's all going to be fine.
I'll– I guess I should get to checking. I need to– I should go.
Kuroo, erm, Kuroo signing out.
28/04/3091 Log 13.
It wasn't an error.
There's, um, there's not enough fuel. I don't know– I don't know what to do here. I don't even think there's enough to bring me back into the earth's atmosphere. Which, I guess, the silver lining is I won't come crashing down into solid ground because of the gravitational pull.
The not-so-good side to all this is– we'll, y'know– is that I'll be stranded. In space. And I don't, I don't know if you'll get to me in…
Look, I'll see what I can do. I'll look. I'll search. I'll–
Also, the door is broken again. That fucking door. I know I'm not meant to swear on these but fuck that door because the wiring is now fucked and I think the problem is running deeper within the metal walls and I can't fucking get to it.
Fuck.
I need to go.
30/04/3091 Log 15.
-llo?
He- hello?
Something is messing with the wiring– it's breaking– even the fucking recorder is–
–uck.
Shou– fix– its the fu– the door–
02/05/3091 Log 17.
I don't think half my logs have been sent. The recorder is crackly, I can only pray that this one goes too. I can't receive anything from you guys–
…
…fucking shit, I cut out, didn't I? Fuck. I don't have– it's done. I've stopped moving. The door won't open and not just that one, multiple doors have locked up–
… let me– hitting it should–
–back. I'm back. I'm stuck in a small part of the ship. I can't access half the things. I don't think–
I don't think I can make it back, guys.
I'm…
I'm so fucking scared.
03/05/3091 Log 25.
Please send, please send, please send, please fucking send. You Godforsaken shit send my logs to them so they can know that I– that I– I miss them.
Guys? If you're hearing this I miss you. I'll miss you all so much. I– fuck– I love you guys and you were the best team a guy could ask for–
I don't blame anyone, not really.
I could never.
I– I hope– I hope you don't miss me too much, yeah? I did the mission, so remember me for that. That's my wish, I guess. Don't remember me as the babbling, crying mess I am right now.
Remember me for–
04/05/3091 Log 29.
Hey, can anyone hear me?
I don't know if it's even sending these back at this point. Look, I don't know if this is a selfish thing for me to do–
I'm dying, I'm dead, I'm already gone. I know it. I just– maybe I can be selfish before I'm fully gone. I think my oxygen will run out soon. I've been drifting and I don't know if anyone can reach me.
So, here goes me being selfish, I guess.
Kenma, sweetie? I, God I'm going to cry. Listen. There's a box in my bedside drawer in our apartment. The bottom drawer. It's pushed all the way to the back. Take it and open it and you'll find– you'll find a ring.
As soon as I landed back on earth I would've asked you.
I would have.
Because– you–
–nd that's w–
–am I cutting out? Hey– hey listen, Ken– listen…
–ove you–
Be happ– desev– it–
Fuck–
…
…
I don't want to die–
…
Then the audio cuts out, a faded static rumbling just for a few seconds before silence engulfed him. He's sat, his own reflection gawking back at him, his laptop screen long forgotten.
The rain was still raging war outside, completely fitting, he thought unamusedly. Tightening the grip on his blanket, he let it mimic the pathetic feel of a hug. Of strong arms that were once warm and comforting but had now been torn away from him.
The two mugs of coffee on the table. One empty. One stagnant and cold.
He shut his laptop close, the warm glow of the lamp beside him reflecting off the slender gold band around his finger. He flicked the lamp off, left to the darkness. Perhaps this is what space felt like. Expansive and suffocating all at the same time.