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Gerrard is gone. For better or worse the man is gone and everybody’s thanking him for…putting Gerrard out of commission. Buck doesn't know how to feel about it. He thinks it’s a good thing that nobody has to suffer under Gerrard for some time at the very least. Hen, Chim and Eddie haven’t been this happy in a long time and that somehow makes it worth it. To some extent at least.
That’s until Buck gets back to his loft and suddenly the silence and quiet is making his skin crawl. Everything feels too much and not enough at the same time. He sits on his bed and looks down at his hands. For an instant he thinks there’s blood on his hands, he blinks and it’s gone.
He plops down on the bed with a long suffering sigh and closes his eyes.
There’s a loud beep and Buck’s springing up with a hiss, face twisted in a painful grimace as he shoves his hands against his ears. The shrill sound doesn't stop and the slight pulsing behind his eyes is slowly turning into a full blown headache. He swears it was dead silent in the loft just a few seconds ago and now it’s so loud that he fears his head might just explode.
Buck stumbles down the stairs, hands still tightly pressed against his ears. His foot catches on the edge of the last step and he tumbles forward, hands flying out to break his fall. His knees hit the floor and he lets out a pained yell before rolling onto his back.
The sound intensifies and he feels tears burn behind his eyes.
He grasps his knee and feels pain flare in his leg. For a moment he is thrown back to the night where the weight of a fire truck was crushing him. Thinking about that proves to be even less helpful as his breath picks up and he feels his heart pound in time with his ever worsening headache.
“Fuck,” He breathes through the pained gasps, and doesn't bother wiping the tears slipping past the corners of his eyes. He rolls onto his side and pushes his face against the cold floor. It provides the slightest reprieve from the hell his body and mind is experiencing.
The door to his loft opens and Buck’s back is to the door. His heart pounds as he puts his hand on the ear that’s not smushed against the floor. Every shuffle and every jingle feels like small needles piercing through his skull.
“...Eddie?” His voice is unrecognisable to his own ears, tired, taunt and exhausted. He sounds miserable and he feels even worse.
There’s more shuffling behind him and then there are slow and deliberate hands on his arms pulling him and trying to roll him onto his back.
He tenses as soon as he recognises that - no those are not, in fact, Eddie’s hands. Eddie’s hands are big, calloused and rough but they are always so gentle. Always so delicate whenever they are handling Buck and these hands might not be rough in handling him but they lack the certain gentleness that accompanies Eddie’s touch.
He rolls onto his back on his own and pushes away the hands because not just the sound but the touch feels too much as well. For some reason his mind supplies that he wouldn't have minded if it was Eddie. And isn't that a thought to have, especially when he comes across the face of a very shocked and slightly concerned Tommy whose hands are hovering between them, unsure, always unsure .
“Tommy?” Somehow he sounds even more miserable than before and Tommy frowns, hands twitching between them.
“Evan, what’s wrong? You were screaming.”
“How’d you get in?”
He pointedly ignores Tommy’s comment since he doesn't want to think about the fact that he failed to take into notice that he was, in fact, screaming. Evidence being his throat burning and scratching whenever he tries to speak. That hurts.
“The door was open,” Tommy says, getting up with a groan. He looks down at Buck, lips pulling into a thin line before he sighs and puts out his hand towards Buck. When Buck simply looks at him in confusion, he huffs and puts his hand around Buck’s bicep and pulls him up too quickly for his comfort.
Buck stumbles forward and Tommy steadies him before he can slam his nose into Tommy’s chest. He fails to stop his hands from flying out and clutching at Tommy’s shoulders when his leg twitches in pain and almost buckles under his weight.
His lungs work overtime to get some air running through his body. He feels the room spin and doubles over with a groan.
“What’s gotten into you today? First I find you screaming on the floor and now you can’t even stand straight. Be honest with me. Have you been…taking something? Look I understand, between Bobby and Eddie’s son leaving and Gerrard, you must be going through literal hell but that’s no excuse to–”
Eddie’s son - Not Christopher. Eddie’s son. Because that’s all Chris is to Buck in Tommy’s eyes and Buck can’t take it right now.
Tommy doesn't get to finish what he was trying to say as Buck shoves him back taking the risk of falling on his ass over taking Tommy’s support. He doesn't fall on his ass but the pain in his leg is killing him and Tommy is breathing too loud and the refrigerator is too loud and the lights are too bright and his palms are sweating and suddenly everything goes quiet again. Every sound becomes a dull background noise.
Tommy’s lips are moving but he can barely hear anything. He shoves his hands against his ears and he thinks he’s yelling but now it’s too quiet on the outside and too loud inside his head and he feels hot and cold and Tommy’s getting closer to him and he feels like he can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe.
Tommy grabs his wrists and despite his struggle, he pushes Buck back until his back hits the wall and then he’s wrenching his hands away from his ears. He’s saying something and he sounds angry and annoyed.
“Evan, stop being childish. We can handle this like adults.”
Something in Buck snaps as he violently pulls his wrists out of Tommy’s grasp and firmly plants his hands on the older man’s chest before pushing him back harshly with a sharp exhale.
“Get the fuck out of here. I don’t want to see you anymore.”
Something like anger flares up in Tommy’s eyes as he steps closer forcing Buck to step back and freeze when he feels the wall behind him. Oh
“What’s wrong with you? I’m trying to help, Evan. Why are you being so difficult?”
Buck feels something lodge into his throat as tears blur his vision. The thing is, he’s not even upset. Tommy’s not the first person to say something like this to him. He’s always been difficult. Too much to handle and not enough to stay. So, he gets it. He’s not upset. He just feels too much right now. He feels like the sky is rapidly falling and his shattered shoulders aren’t enough to hold it up on his own.
The sob builds up slowly but he refuses to cry. He inhales through his nose and looks up at Tommy with defiance.
“Get out.”
Tommy rolls his eyes and throws his hands up in exasperation. He catches Buck’s flinch in his periphery and narrows his eyes accusingly.
“Oh come on. You really think I’m gonna hit you or something?” He grumbles, annoyance coating every syllable as he practically spits the words.
Buck sees the control in Tommy shatter right before his eyes as Tommy stalks towards him with squinted eyes filled with something close to anger and hatred. “I just don’t understand what’s going on with you. You were fun. I was having a blast and suddenly you’re acting all skittish as if I’ve been beating you black and blue every time you refuse to have sex with me, which, may I remind you, is almost all the damn time,” He hisses, his eyes glimmer with something when he catches the minute tremor in Buck’s shoulders.
Tommy sighs and rakes his fingers through his hair. An epitome of exhaustion.
“You were fun, Evan. You were easy.” Buck feels the sting of the words like a physical slap and gulps when Tommy doesn't stop just at that. “Where’s this all coming from? From what I know, it should be Eddie falling apart. Not you .”
Buck agrees. He agrees but the way Tommy says ‘ Not you ’, so full of disdain as if Buck feeling like shit is something that’s been overdone and should be stopped. Buck relates to that sentiment as well. It is truly overdone and he would like for it to stop as well.
“What’s the worst that's happened to you?”
Tommy’s voice brings him back to the present as Tommy moves into his space with a scoff. “Your dad got fired?” The way Tommy says dad feels mocking or maybe Buck is truly being dramatic.
“Oh poor little Evan, can’t go a day without his dad or his best friend watching over him like he’s a stray dog scared of getting kicked by the mean mean world.” Oh , he is definitely mocking. Buck almost laughs out loud because Tommy is right here as well. Bobby or Eddie would have thrown Tommy out of the loft the moment Tommy shoved him into the wall and told him to stop being childish.
“There is no mean world out there, Evan. You just enjoy being miserable so people will give you the attention you are so desperate for.”
He does laugh at that. Because there is definitely a mean world out there. A world where people like Philip Buckley, Margaret Buckley, Helena Diaz, Ramon Diaz, Doug, Gerrard, Ortiz and Tommy exist. Well except, Doug’s dead. The Buckleys are as good as dead, always have been. The Diaz’ should be dead with what they’ve put their son through. Hen can handle Ortiz. Buck put Gerrard out of commission and his friends basically did a small ritualistic dance party to send off the man. That leaves Tommy. Buck feels like Tommy can’t even compete with the others on the list so his words don’t really matter, except for where they do.
‘You just enjoy being miserable so people will give you the attention you are so desperate for.’
‘It was getting exhausting trying to get your attention.’
‘My attention?’
He knew it was going to bite him in the ass. His desperation always did. It was only a matter of time before Tommy was going to call him clingy, desperate, attention seeker, too much…not enough.
He felt something nasty curl in his guts as he took a step away from the wall and glared at Tommy.
“You are mean. If you don’t stop acting like an asshole, if you don’t leave, I’m going to call my dad and my best friend ,” He grinned, something manic and unhinged. “One call and they will come running and you know they will. Do you really think Bobby would listen to you? Or,” He couldn't help the huff of laughter as he continued, “...that Eddie would take your side over me ? For the last time, get out.”
Tommy clenched his jaw before stepping back. “You will regret this, Evan.”
“It’s Buck.”
Buck felt his lungs and his legs collapse as the door slammed into place behind Tommy. It was a feeling close to the adrenaline crash they felt on their job but more intense and more apparent.
Buck plastered himself against the wall and finally, finally , released the choked up sobs buried in his chest. One after another and they never stopped.
Buck felt like something was trying to crawl out of his skin or trying to crawl under his skin and take up all the space in his lungs. His trembling hand found a particularly crawly spot on his thigh and he started scratching, first mindlessly and then roughly, deliberately, harshly. His hand bumped against something and he looked down. He was still in his jeans, his phone sticking out of his pocket.
Buck slowly pulled it out with one hand and resumed the scratching with the other. He unlocked the phone and it opened directly into Eddie’s chat. They were talking over text before the Gerrad situation went down. His finger hovered over the call button but something in him stopped him.
‘It should be Eddie falling apart. Not you.’
Tommy didn't matter but Eddie did.
Tommy might’ve been an asshole but he wasn't wrong. Buck truly didn't deserve to call Eddie and bemoan his miserable life when all of Eddie’s life is living miles away from him.
So he picked himself up and dragged himself up the stairs.
It could have been ten minutes or ten hours and Buck wouldn’t know the difference. There were warm hands on his cold and damp cheeks. Hands he recognized. Hands that were growing frantic with each second. Hands that didn't forget to be gentle no matter how frazzled he was. Eddie…
Slowly the world went from a dark place, to a blurred vision and then brown…drowning, deep and rich brown. Eddie’s eyes were staring at him. Wide and afraid. Buck frowned. Eddie was afraid of something. He felt his hands twitch with the urge to reach out and soothe and comfort.
He belatedly realised, his hands were under his knees, tied around his wrists with a zip-tie that dug into his flesh painfully and grounding . He flushed a deep red and looked away from Eddie’s imploring gaze.
Eddie carefully freed him of the bounds, eyes never leaving his face. It didn't matter that Buck refused to look at him. It didn't take long for Eddie to release his wrists and massage some feeling into his hands and arms. Buck still refused to look at him. Those gentle hands were back on his face, pulling it back so his eyes had no escape. Eddie’s thumb was gentle in its administration on Buck’s jaw. Side, swipe, side, swipe… Buck felt like that spot was going to burn and glow if Eddie kept doing what he was doing.
Buck forced his eyes to look down at Eddie’s lips since they were moving. There was no sound. Buck opened his mouth but no words formed. Only a shaky exhale and a quivering breath but Eddie looked less spooked now than he did before. So Buck tried again. He would always try for Eddie and Chris.
“C-can’t h…hear yo’...ca-n-t…”
Eddie nodded slowly and then he probed around Buck’s ear and slowly the sound filtered through and Buck felt his breath freeze in his lungs. He lunged forward and clutched onto Eddie desperately. Always the desperate one.
“N-no…wa-wait…no-t…the oth-er…one…wait…pl-please.”
Eddie’s hand stopped immediately and before Buck could think about pulling away, Eddie’s arms came around him and held him back tightly, just as desperately.
“Hey, it’s ok. I’m here. Buck, I’m here.”
Buck’s head fit right under Eddie’s chin as Eddie adjusted himself so he wasn't hanging halfway out of the small closet. He pushed himself inside instead of pulling Buck out and Buck felt like he would sob with relief because Eddie wasn't pulling him out. Eddie pushed himself back and made space for Buck between his legs so Buck could nestle closer. Buck sighed and pressed closer.
“Who did this to you, Buck?”
Buck felt all the muscles in his body go tense and melt just as quickly when Eddie’s hand started rubbing warmth into every cold part of his.
“I did. I-I thought…it would…help. Eddie…it was too loud. I…I don’t know. Tommy said I shouldn't be falling apart and this felt like the best way to deal with it without disturbing anyone.”
This time Eddie tensed up under him and Buck almost pulled away but Eddie’s arms tightened around him.
“And why aren’t you allowed to fall apart?”
“He said…you should be the one falling apart…I…it…He said…I was being childish…I swear I didn't realise I was screaming when he entered the loft. I fell down the stairs and it was all too loud and too painful and then my leg started hurting and I was stumbling and he asked if I was taking something because I needed his support to stand up because my fucking leg wouldn’t stop hurting.”
Eddie took a deep breath and Buck recognized it. Eddie did that a lot back when he first started trying to have better control over his anger. And even in the haze of being disoriented Buck knew that anger wasn't directed at him.
Eddie’s warm and gentle hands found his face once again. His face, damp with tears and cold, so, so cold. Eddie’s hands cradled it softly before Eddie tilted his face up so that Buck was looking at him.
“What did he do, Buck?”
At that moment, Buck felt like Eddie was a wizard. Some sort of magic user. An enchanter. Eddie showed up one day in all his glory that pissed off Buck to Mars and back but won him over in less than a day.
Eddie who was holding him in his too tight closet that wasn't made for two men to sit in. Eddie who looked like he was ready to wreak havoc if Tommy crossed an imaginary line Eddie drew between Buck and Tommy. Eddie who looked like he was pissed off because Tommy hurt Buck to the point where he didn't even call Eddie when he needed him.
“He pushed me into the wall. He grabbed my hands and pulled them away from my ears. He wouldn’t leave no matter how many times I told him to. He said that I act miserable so I can have the attention I so desperately want. He’s not even wrong. Look at me Eddie. You are here and I feel like everything will be fine now. I am desperate for attention but I am the most desperate for your attention and Tommy didn't make that point. I feel like it was there, somewhere in between me yelling at him that I didn't wanna see him anymore and him telling me that I was going to regr–”
“Wait, wait, wait…You broke up with him?” Buck slowly turned around and Eddie loosened his grip to let Buck readjust himself and get comfortable again before putting his arms around him. This way Buck could feel the way Eddie’s chest rose and fell in a calm rhythm.
“Yeah? I mean he was being an asshole and he, Oh my God, he said – said that I was easy and fun, that bastard. He said that he was having a blast but I ruined it by refusing to have sex with him.”
“Now you just want me to kill him.”
“Oh, don’t do that. Murder is not fun outside of fiction, Eddie. Look at me,” He groaned, turning his head so Eddie could take a good look at his face before continuing. Eddie simply raised an eyebrow and let him. “Would I want to kill Gerrard? In theory, yes, the answer will always be yes. But if he’d died because of me I would be in jail and you’d have to visit me in jail and you’d bring Chris there and we’d end up having a huge fight because you shouldn't have brought Chris there—”
“Buck.”
Eddie cut him off with a chuckle that was bordering territories of muffled giggles.
“Yeah?”
“You are broken up right?”
“Yeah. I’m pretty sure I will not be seeing Tommy’s face any time soon.”
“And I hope I don’t see his face any time soon or he won’t be able to show his face anywhere else.”
“You know what pissed me off the most. He said that I was looking at Bobby or you whenever I felt like my world might explode and he’s not wrong. He just forgot Maddie and that’s real stupid of him but what really pissed me off was that he said it as if that was my weakness when you guys are my strength.”
“He wouldn’t know.”
“Yeah, he wouldn’t and that makes him the more miserable one between the two of us.”
“So, you are broken up right?”
“If you ask me that question one more time, I might actually start considering getting back with him,” He said, snuggling further into Eddie. He gasped when Eddie’s arms tightened around him. His lungs couldn’t fully expand like this. Eddie immediately loosened his grip.
“S-sorry…I–”
“It’s ok. I felt…it felt…good,” He whispered, voice barely audible as if he couldn't even believe himself.
“It feels good…not being able to breathe?”
“N-no! no…I mean…not just that. It feels good to be held like this where I can pretend I’m not alone in my desperation to hold tightly.”
“You don’t have to pretend with me.”
“In any other aspect. Yes, I know.”
“In every aspect, Buck. I am just as desperate for you, Buck.”
“Eddie you don’t have to–”
“You act like you are so hard to love–”
“And yet Tommy said I was easy.”
“Fuck him,” Eddie said, a little frantic as he turned Buck so he was facing Eddie once again. “Listen to just me. I am not saying this just for the sake of saying it. I don’t remember much from when I was shot but the thing I remember and the thing I didn’t tell you back then was that even bleeding and dying I reached for you. I reached for you, Buck. I will always reach for you just as desperately.”
“Can you hold–can you kiss me? Can you–”
Buck’s breath stuttered in his lung as Eddie swallowed the rest of his request. The kiss was nice, new, aching but soft. It wasn't something revolutionary. Buck still cried when Eddie’s hands came up to cover his ears. All the sound became a dull white nose and all he could feel was Eddie Eddie Eddie Eddie…
“I love you.”
He doesn't know who said it first but they both did and then they burst out in muffled giggles and laughs. Eddie groaned, stretching as best as he could in the cramped closet.
“Think we should get out of the closet?”
Buck snorted and Eddie smacked him before he could say something.
“Don’t. Don’t you dare make a closet joke, Buck.”
“It would've been poetic.”
“I know a few things that can be more poetic,” He said, eyes flickering down to Buck’s lips.
Buck simply smiled. “Me too.”