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Lumpus and Jane Doe had been soulmates for as long as the old moose could remember. It all started when they were small. Lumpus attended Camp Kidney with his best pal Slinkman. His parents had left him at camp one summer and driven off never to be seen or heard from again. Needless to say, the young moose started to become increasingly dependent on others, much to the detriment of his own mental growth.
“Sliiiinkyyy!” Lumpus wailed inconsolably, after falling into a ditch and scraping his knee.
“Algonquin!” the banana slug hurried over quickly to see what the problem was. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
“I got a booboo!“
“Really, Al?” the shorter boy rolled his eyes at his friend’s dramatic display.
“Kiss it and make it better?”
“That’s highly unsanitary.”
Lumpus immediately stopped crying and glared at Slinkman. “Scoutmaster Hortswoggle! Slinky is being meeean to meeee!”
“Heeey! Get back here!” Slinkman chased after Lumpus as he ran off into the woods giggling hysterically.
The moose was so distracted playing chase that he hadn’t noticed he’d wandered into forbidden territory.
“Al, wait!”
“What’s wrong, Slinky? Come catch me! Or are you chicken?”
“Al! Come back! That’s—“
“Ooooh look! A Darbie bicycle! I’ve always wanted one of these!” Lumpus’s eyes lit up. The bike was hot pink with the logo of his favorite doll brand on the decal. “Let’s go for a ride Slinky!”
“Algonquin!” Slinkman hissed. “That’s not yours. Now let’s get out of here! We’re gonna get in trouble!”
“Meh meh meh! Finders keepers, losers weepers!”
Slinkman quickly cowered behind his friend as a large shadow loomed over the two.
“What are you urchins doing in our camp?” came a deep rumbling growl, as a large warthog approached the boys. The beast had short curled auburn hair and eyes that spelt death to any who defied them. And for some inexplicable reason, he got away with attending camp without a uniform. Lumpus had chalked it up to the idea that even the adults were terrified of him and he was somehow able to make them bend to his will.
“M-m-m-mucus! Buddy! D-didn’t see ya there!” Lumpus trembled at the sight of his arch nemesis and campground bully.
Mucus was the tough kid around these parts and Lumpus had learned time and again to never mess with a beast three times his size. The burly mutant thrashed Lumpus any chance he could get. All for looking in Jane’s direction. When he tried giving the doe flowers, Mucus stole them and told Jane they were from him. When he attempted to serenade her in the dead of night, Mucus threw him into the lake and insulted his singing. When he snuck into Jane’s cabin to leave her a love note, Mucus pounded him for “peeping.” How was he supposed to know the girls were changing?
Lumpus hadn’t done a thing to deserve Mucus’s bullying. And yet he was so brave to continue pursuing his love, even after all the unjust torment he’d suffered.
Lumpus could try all he wanted to steal Jane away from Mucus, but this was her territory and Jane was her girl. Jane would always choose her. It was just fate’s design. They were both squirrels and best friends after all. Lumpus was really barking up the wrong tree if he thought he had even an inkling of a chance with the doe.
“Now listen here Lumpiss! I’ll give ya ten seconds to get off of squirrel property or I’m telling Miss Maple!”
“Nooooo!” Lumpus shrieked. “Not The Maple! Anything but thaaaat!”
He remembered the last time he’d had to face the den mother for sneaking into Acorn Flats. As punishment, she’d forced him and Slinkman to participate in squirrel activities for an entire week. By the end of the week, they’d started to enjoy themselves. They’d nearly forgotten they were beans. Lumpus shuddered at the memory. The brainwashing. The humiliation. He’d never live it down.
“Rubella! Are you out here scaring the boys again?”
Lumpus felt all his worries melt away at the sight of the pretty blond deer who had accompanied Mucus. Jane.
“They crossed into our territory! Serves ‘em right!”
“Aw, Ruby. I’m sure they just got lost! Come on! We’re missing croquet!”
“Fine, fine. Let’s get out of here before these cockroaches spoil our lunch!” Mucus trudged along and hopped onto the Darbie bike Lumpus planned on jacking. “Ya comin, Janey?”
“Oooo! Neat ride!” Jane commented before hopping on the back of the vehicle.
“This isn’t over yet, moose,” Mucus whispered with a devilish smirk, as she rode off with the girl of Lumpus’s dreams, but not before spraying a fresh coat of mud all over his face.
“Hey!” Lumpus wailed indignantly after spitting gallons of muck from his mouth. “I didn’t even get to ride that!”
“Oh brother…” Slinkman shook his head in dismay. He’d seen these two try to one up each other for years and he knew it wasn’t going to end any time soon. Lumpus seemed to think that he was a ‘victim’ of ‘bullying’ from Mucus, but any outside witness could tell you that the moose was just as bad. And Slinkman had the unfortunate privilege of being around from the very beginning.
Most of the time when Mucus attacked Lumpus, he’d done something to deserve it. And Lumpus, incapable of learning a single lesson, usually got his petty revenge which only resulted in pissing off Mucus further. Slinkman was an unwilling bystander, caught in the middle of the nonsensical rivalry.
But if one good thing came out of this whole debacle, it was his friendship with Jane. The doe often rescued Slinkman while their friends were busy brawling, unbeknownst to the fact that she was the catalyst for their indignant behavior. Slinkman would always be grateful to Jane for providing a safe haven when things got too ugly. She was a true friend and a great sister.
Eventually summer ended though. The kids grew up and left Camp Kidney behind. Many goodbyes were said and everyone went their separate ways. But not for long.
The minute Lumpus got out of college, his father retired, forcing Lumpus to come back and take responsibility for Camp Kidney. Lumpus begged Slinkman to come back with him and Slinkman reluctantly agreed. He knew he couldn’t leave his friend behind in his time of need. Besides…they’d sort of had a fling while they were away and the slug had realized that despite how despicable his best friend was…he was oddly attracted to him. Oh, who was he kidding? He loved the moose. Plus there was no way in hell he was leaving Lumpus to run things on his own willy nilly. He could hardly take care of himself and Slinkman feared for both Lumpus and the childrens’ well-being. He may have been head over heels in love with his boss, but even he knew that Lumpus didn’t have the maturity to run a whole camp by himself.
“Ugh, Camp Kidney,” Lumpus grumbled. “It’s even more disgusting than I remember.”
In fact the whole camp was falling apart. It looked like it hadn’t been cleaned up in years. But it was nothing a little fixing up couldn’t help.
“Don’t worry sir. I’m certain we’ll be able to get the place refurbished by opening.”
But Lumpus couldn’t hear Slinkman over the sound of his own complaining. Slinkman wouldn’t admit it to anyone but he craved the chaos that came with Lumpus and his unpleasant personality. Sure he had to be put in his place sometimes and Slinkman often suffered the consequences of the taller man’s temper, but life was incredibly boring without him. He had tried distancing himself from the moose before but he always found himself coming back. And Lumpus begrudgingly returned the sentiment. He needed Slinkman. They were a package deal and they stuck together whether they liked it or not.
They worked together to coordinate plans to at least get camp looking functional from the outside. Slinkman suggested they go greet the new den mother of Acorn Flats. Make a good first impression. But as soon as they got there, they were approached by an unwelcome guest.
“Lumpus,” a deep voiced growled as the two entered the squirrel scout camp.
He didn’t recognize her at first but as soon as Lumpus got a good look at Mucus, it all sank in.
“YOU! You’re the bean scout who stole my Darbie bicycle! And you took Jane with it!”
“I’m a squirrel, you louse!”
“WHAT?!”
Lumpus had always thought that his old bully was a bean because of her masculine nature and the way she dressed. It made sense, considering he only ever saw Mucus hanging out around Acorn Flats, but still! The idea that he had been losing Jane’s love to a squirrel for all those years not only made his blood boil, but also felt like a huge kick to his ego.
Slinkman rolled his eyes at their antics. Not this shit again…
“Oh Algonquin! Is that you?” a high-pitched feminine voice interrupted the quarreling.
“Jane?! You’re here too?” Lumpus perked up in excitement.
“Of course! I’m the new den mother of Acorn Flats! What are you doing here?”
“What a coincidence! I’m taking over Camp Kidney!” Lumpus put on a fake positive demeanor. If there was any reason to keep up that good-for-nothing camp, he realized he’d just found it.
Jane was delighted to hear that Slinkman and Lumpus were engaged, but unfortunately she couldn’t stay to see the reception. Slinkman understood. He was just happy to have her blessing. And things would have been perfectly fine if the wedding hadn’t ended early when Mucus dropped by to taunt Lumpus about how she was still winning. Of course Lumpus ran off to give her a piece of his mind, leaving Slinkman alone at the altar. Lumpus had pulled far worse stunts and this was the exact type of behavior the slug had come to expect from him. But even so this crush on Jane bordered on obsession and he wasn’t sure it was entirely healthy.
Slinkman knew his husband was bisexual and polyamorous and he was absolutely open to letting Lumpus see other people. But that was exactly why it was so strange to him that Lumpus still couldn’t let go of Jane. Lumpus could date any woman he wanted, yet Jane was the only lady to catch his eye. It wasn’t that she was undeserving. Lumpus on the other hand… Jane was a dear friend and she deserved a partner who would treat her right. Not to mention, things became extremely awkward when the man you were married to still wanted to get with your big sis decades later.
Thankfully, however, Lumpus and Mucus’s shenanigans gave Slinkman and Jane plenty of time to hang out in their off time.
“And then he shows up on my doorstep at three in the morning covered in swamp water! Oh it was disgusting! But that’s husbands for you. Let me tell ya, Janey,” Slinkman chuckled, recollecting the events of his wedding night.
“Husbands!” Jane rolled her eyes goodnaturedly. “Oh, what would we do without them?”
Jane laughed with Slinkman but she soon grew quiet with a strained expression on her face.
“Hey, is everything okay?”
“Ohhh! I just don’t know I’m doing wrong!” Jane lamented. “I’ve been through five marriages already and none of them have lasted a week!”
“Oh, Jane. You’re one of the most thoughtful people I know. Clearly these men don’t know a good woman when they see one!”
“But then, why does it keep happening? I’m nearly in my fifties, Slinkman! I need to settle down and start a family before it’s too late!”
“…is that what you really believe?” Slinkman raised an eyebrow in concern.
“What do you mean? Isn’t that what all women aspire to be? A bride. A mother…” Jane bit down on her lip as she forced the word out.
“Well I wouldn’t know about other women. But what about you, Jane? Is that what you want?
“What I want…? Ha, don’t be ridiculous, Slinkman…I…” Jane trailed off with an uncertain expression on her face.
“Jane…did you marry any of those men because you loved them?”
“Of course I…I mean why would I…” Jane’s eyes flitted back and forth and she began to have trouble finding her words.
“Jane!” Slinkman yelled, as his friend’s eyes flickered shut for a moment. She felt like she was about to faint.
“Oh my! This heat must be getting to me! I better go lay down…”
Jane didn’t know what had come over her. But it was as if she’d been splashed with cold water the moment Slinkman questioned her decision-making. She had always planned on marrying the man of her dreams and having children. That’s what she was told she was supposed to do. What other choice did she have? No one had ever told her there were other options. And yet Slinkman’s words made her question everything she’d ever been taught.
Of course she loved…loved…loved? What did she love about her exes? If she was being perfectly honest…most of them were liars. Or slobs. But that didn’t matter. No one was perfect. Everyone deserved a chance. But did she love them? What was love?
Jane loved everyone. But was the love she had for her fiancées any different than the love she felt toward Slinkman? Jane shook her head. No…it was different alright.
Jane loved Slinkman like a brother. And those men…well…she shuddered when she remembered her engagement to the mayor. What had she been thinking…? In retrospect, she’d made up excuses. She’d tolerated them…because it was better than being alone.
When she thought deeper about it, the real factor that attracted her towards those men was their money. They were well off enough to support a small family, so Jane wouldn’t have to worry about expenses in the long run. It didn’t matter if she found them attractive or even liked their personalities. What mattered was that she was fitting into the role that society had molded for her.
But…if that wasn’t love then what was? Even when she was younger, Jane hadn’t had many long lasting relationships. She sometimes pretended she had crushes, but that was something all girls did…it was like a rite of passage…wasn’t it?
Perhaps she was gay? But that didn’t seem right either…she’d attended Acorn Flats for years. She’d think she would have felt something after all that time. It wasn’t that she was against the idea of dating women…but it wouldn’t be any different than when she’d gotten married. The thought of it didn’t make her happy. And neither did settling down with a man anymore.
Slinkman had been disappearing a lot lately and every time he came back Lumpus spotted him with Jane. They were probably out canoodling til the crack of dawn. Getting drunk off of fancy squirrel champagne that he could only dream of tasting. Calling each other sultry pet names in French. Lumpus didn’t even know French. But that didn’t matter! He could learn. Especially if it meant worming his way into Jane’s heart.
“Grrr…that husband of mine. Who does he think he is? Seducing my woman.”
All the while, Mucus was in a similar position. “If that bean thinks he’s getting hanky panky with my Jane, he’s got another thing coming!”
“Oh Slinkman! It’s just terrible! I think there’s something wrong with me!”
“Aww, Janey don’t say that! What’s the matter?”
“I-I don’t think I’ve ever been in love! I don’t think I even know what love is!”
“Well what’s wrong with that?”
“What’s wrong? Everything’s wrong! I’m supposed to get married! Have children! Be a perfect wife and mother! But I…I don’t want that! In fact…I don’t know what I want anymore!”
“Hey, hey, hey! You don’t have to be any of that! Not if it makes you unhappy.”
“I…I don’t?”
“No! You don’t have to be anything. All you have to be is you, Jane.”
“Really? It’s okay? All this time I thought I had a role to fill…and if I don’t fill it…I’m a failure as a woman…”
“Jane…you’re no failure. You’re the best sis I could ask for,” Slinkman wrapped an arm around his friend’s waist. “And you’re allowed to just exist. No one has the right to take that away from you.”
“Thank you…” Jane accepted her brother’s embrace as she wiped tears from her eyes.
Lumpus discreetly made his way through Acorn Flats and stealthily perched beneath the window to Jane’s cabin.
“What’re you doin’ here?” Mucus whisper-growled from her own hiding spot.
“Relax! I came to eavesdrop on my usband-hay.”
“Well get yer own eavesdroppin’ spot! I was here first!”
“Look, Measles. I know we’ve had our differences, but we both know why we’re here: that scoundrel is in there macking on Jane!”
“Oh, when I get my hands that slimy bastard!”
“So I have a proposition. We work together to break them up! What do you say?”
“Grrr…I’ll do it for Jane. But don’t think this means we’re friends, you filthy bean.”
“Don’t make me laugh, yuck!”
“Are you really sure you want to come out to those two?” Slinkman muttered. Jane didn’t know Lumpus and Mucus had feelings for her and Slinkman wasn’t about to hit her over the head with that. But knowing them, he really didn’t have the best feeling about this.
“Oh, but of course! Rubella and Algonquin are such good friends of mine after all! I want them be the first to know!”
“…what are they saying?!” Lumpus strained to hear.
“Something about ‘coming out’…HA! I win, Lumpass! She’ll definitely come out as lesbian.”
“How’s that? She could be bi! Like me! You don’t know anything, pig!”
“Oh, Algonquin! Rubella! Perfect timing!”
The moose and warthog jumped back as Jane’s curtains opened with no warning.
“I was just about to hand out invites to my party this Sunday!”
“Party? What’s the occasion?”
“Oh, that’s a surprise! You will come, won’t you?”
“I’ll be there! Wouldn’t miss it for the world!”
“The day I let Jane down is the day this place falls to the ground,” Mucus growled in a no-nonsense tone.
“Oh, Rubella! Always the jokester!”
“Alriiightt, Mr. Dreamboat. How’s about a bet?” Mucus suggested once Jane was out of earshot.
“Bring it, bronco!”
“Whoever can woo Jane by Sunday gets to keep her!”
“Oh, you’re on, muscles!”
“Once this is over, Jane will never leave my side again!”
There Lumpus went, monologuing his nefarious schemes to win Jane over. Slinkman just happened to be listening in on his deranged rambling.
“Sir, that’s totally unrealistic. You both have your own responsibilities. You can’t spend all your time together.”
“Did I ask for your input, Slinkman?”
“Well no, but…I just think you’re getting a bit ahead of yourself, sir. I mean…oh, how do I say this…” Slinkman scratched the back of his neck as he tried to find the right words.
“What are you trying to say, Slinkman? That Jane isn’t deserving of my love?”
“No, not at all! It’s just…well you see…Jane…” Slinkman took a deep breath. “Jane can’t love you!”
“And why’s that?!”
“Because…” Slinkman hesitated. He was in deep water now. He couldn’t just out Jane like that. “Because she just can’t!”
“Oh, I know what this is about! You want a piece of my woman! That’s why you keep sneaking off with her behind my back!”
“Algonquin, that is absolutely ridiculous! She’s basically my sister!”
“Bah! That’s what you want me to think! But I won’t lose! Not even to you, Mr. Husband McWife-Stealer!”
Lumpus’s first operation involved taking Jane to dinner at a fancy restaurant that he couldn’t pronounce the name of. And Jane being Jane, invited Mucus and Slinkman to join them. It was fine. Lumpus could work with this. He may not have won, but he hadn’t lost yet.
“Ooo! Would you just look at these hors d’oeuvres?” Jane piped up cheerfully.
“The…what now?!” Lumpus glanced at Slinkman for help, but the slug just grinned smugly at him without uttering a word.
“So much to choose from! I’m having trouble making up my mind. What looks good to you, Algonquin?”
“I..aha! Well, let’s see here…” Lumpus quickly scanned the menu before realizing he couldn’t read a word it said. The whole menu was written in French!
Mucus smirked at Lumpus and began speaking in French unprompted. Much to Lumpus’s horror, Jane replied to her assistant. In French. And if that wasn’t enough, Slinkman unexpectedly joined in on the conversation. Since when was he bilingual? Oh no. This couldn’t be happening. It was his idea to dine at this place. If he admitted he didn’t know French it would all be over. And now they were laughing! They were probably laughing at him. He had to come up with something!
Thankfully Lumpus was quickly saved by the arrival of the waiter.
“I uhh…I’ll have what she’s having!” Lumpus scrambled in a panic when it was his turn to order. All he could do was pray that Jane had impeccable taste in French cuisine. This was Jane Doe after all. She wouldn’t let him down.
However, when the food showed up Lumpus shuddered. He poked at what appeared to be some sort of dish made from snails, of all things. He was almost convinced he’d seen it move. He hesitantly poked at the meal with his fork, when a horrifying realization washed over him. Slinkman sat straight across from him. And yet for some disturbing reason the slug wasn’t phased at all by the fact that two of his closest friends had basically ordered miniature versions of him on a platter. With shells, albeit, but…there was something very wrong with this image.
Lumpus felt himself grow lightheaded and without any warning he vomited all over the table and immediately fainted afterwards. He was completely humiliated when he came to and realized what had happened. This round was forfeited to Mucus. But Lumpus wasn’t going to give up that easily.
Mucus was off to good start when that repulsive bean puked all over Jane’s food. Things could only go up from there. Jane always insisted on inviting Lumpus along, whenever she attempted to ask her on a date, but it was worth it since she got the chance to one-up that loser scoutmaster.
Mucus’s idea to sweep Jane off her feet was a date at the Funland amusement park. The memories from the times they’d snuck out of camp to go there were certain to stir up some sort of feeling in her.
There were downsides to being a grownup. And one of them was that Mucus could no longer fit into the same rollercoaster seat as her beloved Jane. Lumpus laughed and stuck his tongue out at the warthog as he got to sit at the front of the ride with Mucus’s girl. She growled from behind him, but soon began cackling at his expense the moment he realized he did not like rollercoasters.
“Ooh! Look, Rubella! Cotton candy! That takes me back…” Jane reminisced. It had been so long since they’d just spent time together as friends like this.
“On it, ma’am!” Mucus sped off to the cotton candy stand without a second thought.
“Not if I can help it!” Lumpus raced after her.
“Wow. This is very…generous of both of you. But I don’t think I can eat all of this by myself,” Jane laughed at the mountain of cotton candy Mucus and Lumpus had bought.
“Not to worry, Miss Doe. I’d be delighted to help,” Lumpus declared proudly.
“Heh. I’d like to see ya try,” Mucus taunted, challenging the moose to an eating competition.
Lumpus and Mucus quickly wolfed down as much candy as they could. By the time they were done, Lumpus felt like he was going to be sick. Mucus on the other hand looked like she could go for another round. She burped loudly to declare her victory, while Lumpus conceded his defeat by spending the next several hours in the nearest restroom.
Later, they would compete to see who could win the better prize at a strength competition. Lumpus callously assumed he would win because he had bought into the extremely farcical notion that beans were automatically stronger than squirrels. Much to his chagrin, the moose could hardly even lift the hammer.
Mucus, on the other hand, easily broke the record with her unbridled strength and ended up winning the biggest stuffed animal in the park.
“Jane, I’d like you to have this,” Mucus grunted with a serious look on her face.
“Aw, how sweet!” Jane smiled, taking the huge stuffed toy from her friend.
“I-I have a gift for you as well,” Lumpus chimed in awkwardly, holding up the much smaller stuffed animal he’d gotten as a consolation prize.
“Oh, thank you! But I think Rubella should have this. She deserves a prize too.”
Lumpus growled under his breath, as the warthog grinned viciously. Not only had he failed, but his opponent was rewarded for the loss. But tomorrow. Tomorrow he would win.
When Lumpus invited Jane to a horror movie he had expected to comfort her during the scary scenes, or at least that’s how he’d planned things to go.
“Oh, Algonquin! I’m so excited! I just love scary movies!”
“Let’s go Jane! We don’t wanna miss on front row seats,” Mucus grumbled, clinging to Jane’s right arm.
“Hey! Jane is sitting next to me!” Lumpus protested, holding her left arm.
Jane ended up sitting in the middle, with Mucus and Lumpus on either side of her. Jane was so mesmerized, she couldn’t take her eyes away from the screen.
Meanwhile, Lumpus was quaking in his boots at the amount of blood onscreen. He couldn’t stop himself from clinging to Jane for dear life as the villain slashed the victims to pieces. And Mucus shuddered every time the very straight romantic subplot took focus. When the killer walked in on the couple during a rather scandalous act, neither Lumpus nor Mucus could stop themselves from shrieking at the top of their lungs. Slinkman couldn’t help but laugh at their self-inflicted torment. Needless to say, the amount of noise got the whole group kicked out of the theater.
“Oh, you two are very sweet! But you really didn’t need to go out of your comfort zone just for me!” Jane attempted to comfort her two shaken-up friends.
“We should go see Mr. Cotton next time,” Slinkman suggested smugly. “It’s Lumpus’s fav-ow!” He was cut off as Lumpus elbowed his side and glared at him.
It was almost the day of the party, but that didn’t mean Mucus or Lumpus would give up. In fact, both of them had gotten a devious idea that would ensure their own victory.
It was Sunday night and the party was about to commence. Lumpus was dressed in the best tux he could scrounge up from the $5 dollar bin at the nearest thrift shop. Mucus also donned the best suit she could find, although she hated fancy mumbo jumbo. But it would all be worth it in the end, when Jane became rightfully hers.
Slinkman looked on in uncertainty. He had enjoyed laughing at Lumpus and Mucus, knowing things couldn’t end well for either of them. But now he feared his complacence had caused things to get out of hand.
“Why hello, everyone!” Jane greeted. “My! Don’t you two look fancy! Now then. There’s a very special reason I’ve gathered you all here tonight…”
“Wait, Jane!” Lumpus rudely interrupted.
“Yes, Algonquin?”
“Before we get started…I have something to say to you.”
“Oh, no you don’t!” Mucus growled.
“Jane Doe,” Lumpus continued, getting on one knee and pulling out a small box. “I have admired you from afar for too long. But that ends tonight! Jane, my beautiful Jane. Will you marry me?”
Jane’s eyes widened in shock and confusion and before she could even process what was happening, Mucus butted in with a revelation of her own.
“Don’t get cocky, moose! I saw her first! Now, Jane…I love you. I always have and I always will. Swear it on my stone cold heart. So please, would you marry me?” Mucus held up a box of her own and opened it to reveal a ring inside.
Now Jane’s eyes flitted back and forth indecisively.
“Wh-what is all this?” Jane chuckled nervously. But when neither of them moved from the spot, she realized it wasn’t just an elaborate joke. “No…No Algonquin…I can’t…”
Lumpus deflated and Mucus immediately sneered at him self-righteously. “HA! Hear that? I win, loser!”
“Excuse me?!”
Mucus jumped back a bit at Jane’s stern tone.
“No, Rubella.”
“Wh-what?”
“No. You don’t win anything. I’m not marrying either of you!”
Mucus and Lumpus only stared back at Jane with looks of shock and confusion on their faces.
“Is that what all of this was about? All the get-togethers? I thought we were all finally getting along…but you mean to tell me the two of you were fighting over me the whole time? Deciding that I’d be with you? Without once considering how I felt? ”
“Yes ma’am…”
“I…won’t deny that…”
“I cannot believe this! I am disappointed in both of you! I thought you were better than that…Well I have news for you! I’m never going to marry either of you! Because I’m aromantic!”
Lumpus and Mucus stood silently with looks of guilt and confusion on their faces. They had never seen Jane so angry.
“And you Slinkman…did you know about this?”
“I mean…” Slinkman felt his heart sink at the look on his sister’s face. “Yes, Jane. I knew.”
“And you didn’t do a thing to prevent it!”
“Im…sorry, Jane. I should have said something.”
“Jane, please!” Mucus begged. “I didn’t know!”
“I’m sorry, Jane…” Lumpus muttered shamefully.
“Forget it…Ha! Forget everything! The party is cancelled! I need a vacation…” Jane grumbled, slamming the door as she left.
“I messed everything up! And now Jane is never coming back!” Lumpus wailed pathetically.
“No, I did! This is all my fault! If I hadn’t been so persistent!” Mucus bawled.
“If I wasn’t such a selfish old fool!”
“It’s my fault!”
“No it’s mine!”
“Wait a minute!” Mucus growled. “We’re not friends. Get out of my camp!”
Slinkman awkwardly dragged Lumpus away before things could get even weirder.
Once Mucus was alone, she began reminiscing. The other girls had always treated her differently. If it wasn’t one thing, it was another. The other squirrel scouts were all afraid of her because she was tough. But it wasn’t like she had a choice. She wasn’t pretty or girly enough to hang out with them. Even when she showed interest in things like dolls and makeup, those girls treated her like some sort of freak from a different planet. Not to mention, they constantly made fun of her name and outfit. The squirrel scout uniform didn’t come in her size and because it would cost more money to tailor one, she was the only squirrel scout who was allowed to wear regular clothes. But this only lead to others comparing her to the boys even more, and excluding her from nearly everything.
Eventually she’d grown tired of the harassment and started defending herself against the bullies. This, of course, only led them to talk about her even more, but at least they started leaving her alone. She had no friends. And she didn’t need them, if that was the type of attention she was going to attract. Then Jane came along. Jane accepted Mucus and she never had one bad thing to say about her. Mucus had fallen in love with Jane after realizing she was the only squirrel scout who saw her as she was. She wasn’t afraid of her and she never bullied her or treated her like less of a girl. She didn’t make fun of her name either. Mucus had grown to hate her first name because the other girls thought it was gross. But Jane changed that. Jane thought the name Rubella was pretty and she was the only one who was allowed to use it. Mucus was just Mucus to everyone else. But Jane was allowed to use any name she liked.
Ever since they were young, Mucus had loved Jane. They’d always been together. She thought they’d be together forever. But all that was ruined, because she couldn’t simply tell Jane how she felt.
“Oh I remember the day I first met Jane,” Lumpus whimpered.
He had gotten a large bruise after tripping into a bramble patch and crying hysterically.
“Are you okay?” a sweet voice called out. Jane quickly hurried over to the sound of crying.
“Oh, you poor thing. Well it’s not much but…” the kind doe pulled out a small pink bandaid and applied it to Lumpus’s knee.
“Oh, kind stranger. What’s your name?”
“Jane! Jane Doe! Well I’ve got to get going! See you around!”
Jane. Sweet Jane. She was the only squirrel scout who had ever been nice to him. He hated squirrels. Oh, but Jane was different. She was an angel.
Lumpus pulled out an old box from under his bed. Inside was the same crusty old bandage from all those years ago. He was certain that if he took good care of it, the same way Jane took care of him on that fateful day, he would end up with her someday. But his selfishness had only driven her away. And now he’d never see her again.
“Oh Al. You’re being overdramatic. Jane said she’s going on vacation. That doesn’t mean she’s gone forever!”
But Lumpus only shook his head in defeat.
“First they say they’re going on vacation! Then they drop you off at some slipshod two-bit camp and never come back!”
Slinkman realized there wasn’t anything he could say to snap Lumpus out of his own head so he just held him and patted his back gently.
“I’m right here, Al.”
“Waaaaahhh! Sliiinkyyy!”
Slinkman gently kissed his husband’s forehead. “Would you like some hot milk?”
Lumpus nodded quietly, sniffling into Slinkman’s nightshirt.
Anyone else might have called Lumpus a piece of work, but Slinkman kind of enjoyed being relied upon. He was the only one who knew how to calm his husband down at times like this and that made all the heartache worth it somehow.
While he consoled Lumpus, Slinkman sighed, wondering how he could make it up to Jane for hiding the truth. He thought he was protecting her, but perhaps his own inaction only delayed the inevitable. He needed to talk to her as soon as she got back. Things may have turned into a big mess, but none of it was worth losing his sister over.
Jane was angry and confused at first. She had finally come to terms with her identity and then two of her closest friends dropped that bombshell on her. How was she supposed to react? They had both acted selfishly and she had a right to be angry. But she still felt a bit guilty. They hadn’t known about her sexuality and she didn’t owe them an explanation either. But sometimes Jane cared a bit too much about other people. They were both in the wrong. There was no denying that. But even so Jane somehow felt guilty. These were her friends. Her dearest friends and she’d never even realized how they’d felt about her…
Had she been stringing Lumpus and Mucus along this whole time? How long had it even been? Since they were kids? Had there been signs for all those years and she just never picked up on them? She just couldn’t forgive herself for making either of them think they ever had a chance with her. When she thought back on it…there were signs all along. Staring her right in the face. She just never wanted to see them. They were friends. And she could never see them any differently. The signs meant nothing. Yet she was getting so broken up over it.
It was okay…she could start over. She was already gone. This was her chance to make a new start. She wouldn’t make the same mistake again.
While she was mulling things over, the phone started ringing.
“Jane? I know now’s not exactly a good time but I need you to come back to camp.”
“Slinkman?” Jane sniffled. “Oh…I can’t come back! I feel so guilty! Algonquin and Rubella have loved me all this time and I…I never even realized it! I’m a terrible friend! I can’t face them ever again!”
“Oh Jane…none of that’s your fault.”
“It’s not?”
“No! Those two will get over it! Besides you said it best yourself: you don’t owe them a thing! Please come back. We all miss you and things aren’t the same here without my big sis.”
“Thank you, Slinkman…”
“But seriously come back. Those two are so miserable without you, that I’m stuck running both camps by myself. Acorn Flats needs you. I need you.”
Of course…how could she forget? She needed to be there for her precious squirrel scouts. And she was beginning to miss her friends too. Oh, what was she thinking? She could never leave. There may have been some headaches, but she cared about her friends and the kids too much. Acorn Flats was home. It was where she’d always belonged.
“Don’t worry, bro. I’m coming home.”
“Jane! I’m so sorry!” Lumpus cried as soon as Jane came back.
“Please don’t leave ever again!” Mucus pleaded.
“Relax, you two. All is forgiven…so long as you don’t pull another stunt like that again.”
“I promise!” Lumpus shouted.
“I double promise!” Mucus yelled competitively.
“I triple promise!”
Jane was happy to be home again and things went back to normal pretty quickly, though some things would never change.
“Jane’s my best friend!” Mucus growled.
“No, she’s my best friend!” Lumpus yelled back.
“I met her first!”
“I was born first!”
“You were born lopsided!”
“GASP. You take that back!”
Slinkman shook his head in annoyance as he watched the moose and warthog argue for the millionth time. He had better things to waste his time on.
“Want to get a smoothie and gossip?” the slug asked his sister.
“Oh I’d be just delighted!” Jane responded enthusiastically.
As they walked away, two lone fools could be heard in the distance, bickering to their unwavering hearts’ content.