Archive of Our Own

Pulling into the long snowed in driveway chased me out of my thoughts. The music coming from my headphones fades into the background. The bare and pine trees are dense in number and covered in thick blankets of white. The night is somehow darker than before. Readjusting myself I look in front of me to see the moon. It’s white and grey, colors popping out in the deep set sky. Continuing deeper into the forest the gravel and snow underneath the tires crunch.

The house finally appears into view. Sucking in a breath I pull off my headphones trying to prepare myself for whatever comes. Dev sets the car into park and unclicks his seatbelt. I go to unclick mine and a shooting pain runs through my left side. Hissing out a breath I shut my eyes. Waiting a moment for the pain to subside. Feeling a pair of eyes on me I reopen them. Holding my side, Dev speaks up.
“You good?” I can feel the worry radiating off of him. Like he actually felt bad for once. Sighing I push open the car door. Ignoring his comment, I stand up taking my bag with me. Hearing the driver's side I close my door. Walking towards the house I watch my feet trying my best not to slip but also avoiding eye contact with Dev.
“Wait up I need to find the keys,” turning around I see him digging through his backpack.
“Come on dude. It’s fucking cold.” Looking up towards the sky soft specks of white start falling towards the ground.
“Yeah, yeah patience bitch boy,” I scoff at the comment and move my hand to my forearm. My mind, shifting to my body instead of my surroundings. Remembering the day old cuts on my arm grip tightening.
“Shit.” Dev shifts my thoughts back to the present, hearing him curse himself out. Letting go of myself and cringing.
“The 3 hour car ride was long enough for this shit.” Dev speaks to whoever.

“You can say that again.” I answer automatically. It’s just a habit at this point. Answering back to him, even though I want to ignore him.
“At least you weren’t the one driving,” He gives me an attitude which puts my mood off even more.
“This was your idea.” Giving attitude back I get no response. Praying to god that it stays that way.

“Okay, here,” soft jingling and the crunching of snow starts, “Let’s head in now shall we?” He passes in front of me looking back. Smirking and holding the keys in my face. I smack them away frowning.
“Yeah, okay. I get it.” Speaking softly to mainly myself, Dev finally dashes up the patio stairs. I follow him as he shoves the storm door into the house. We both head inside and I take in the large living room in front of me. Large leather couches and a fireplace are opposite from each other. While looking to my left a small kitchen with an island stares back. I assume the rooms are down the hallway to our left. As a staircase going down in between the living room and hallway looms ominously. I shiver and watch Dev dig through his bag again but on the island.
“Okay I’ma turn the power on and we can do something about your side.” Pulling his phone out and turning on the flashlight. My eyes widen and I smile lightly.

“Yeah?” Staring at me looking for reassurance. I nod lightly and hold my side once again. Dreading to see the most likely nasty bruise. He walks over and down the basement stairs. A sigh of relief washes over me. I don’t know what for. Maybe the fact I’m alone again. I just know that I can’t wait to fall asleep tonight. It’s been a long day.

The lights flicker on and the heater kicks into working mode. Plopping onto the couch I wait quietly. Slumping down, pulling out my phone, I groan with the lack of service. Throwing it to the side I hear Dev finally come back upstairs. My chest swells. Full of emotions I don’t currently need. I shed off my hat and jacket tossing them to the side.

“Look who’s ready to get to business.” I can practically hear the smirk.
“Ha. ha. ha.” He sits next to me taking off his jacket as well. Looking away I shove my hands in my face. Attempting to keep the tears away. Trying to keep him out. To make him leave me alone. I can’t take this anymore.

That attempt fails, feeling my face get hot and tears roll down my cheeks. Fuck, he shouldn’t see this. My hands start to shake. Shit, shit, shit, shit. Not now dude.
“Let’s check out that- uhm side of yours,” I feel his hand on my shoulder, “I’m going to lift up your shirt, okay?” His voice is soothing and I can’t help myself from crying. I dig my palms into my eyes. Wanting, needing the tears to stop. Fingertips graze the end of my long sleeve shirt. It lifts up a decent way.

“Fuck dude. I’m so-” The fabric flops back down and I feel Dev get up. I don’t move, I hear shuffling and a heavy sigh. I make myself take my hands off of my face. Dev is digging through the freezer. Probably looking for an ice pack. Was he going to apologize back there? Whatever, I lift up my shirt revealing a violet mess of skin. You can see that my ribs are worse and at the start of my stomach is red, turning purple. I cringe at the gnarly looking thing, biting my lip. I see why he said that. Grinding my teeth together I hear a notification go off from my phone. Fuck, who’s it from?

“Here.” Dev hands an ice pack wrapped in a towel. Well from what I can tell. I take it and place it on my ribs. Flinching I curse under my breath. The couch dips down next to me. The carpet on the floor is cream. Very pretty.
“Kier,” Dev speaks softly, “You know you can tell me anything. That I'm always here for you?” Fuck, I didn't expect that from him. I just stare into his eyes. Only reading concern from his face. Was this a joke? Really, him telling me that? The man who just hours earlier kicked me like a sack of potatoes? Has he gone crazy? Am I imagining this? My mouth drops before speaking.
“What?” I'm flabbergasted, which universe am I in right now.
“Don't look at me like that.” Watching him, he leans his back into the couch. He starts to rub his thumbs across one another.
“I know that stuff is going on with you. I just want to help. You-,” closing his eyes, “ You mean the world to me. You really do. I can tell that you want space. But I really don't want to lose you.” My eyebrows furrow with concern.
Why? How- I didn't know he felt this way. I put my back towards him. Holding the ice pack in place. I don't know how to feel. I can only think back to yesterday and this morning. Where everything went wrong. I hate this conversation. Tears prick my eyes again.
“I've known you since eighth grade, dude. You really didn't think I wouldn't notice?” I can feel him staring again.
“You were- Fuck.” I wait for him to continue. I don't have the guts to talk right now.
He speaks barely above a whisper, “ I don't know. Crying, last night and this morning.” My heart aches at the realization that he heard me. Can he shut up? I don't need this. Please, Dev.
“You worry me ever since you tried too- you know.” The energy in the room is tense. I know what he means. He doesn't want to say it. I whisper.
“ Kill myself.” I shut my eyes. God I'm so stupid. I never thought what he went through in February. I just focused on myself and why I couldn't just have done it properly. That's why we stopped posting, and said nothing to anyone. I just couldn't after months and I still can't. My chest feels like it's going to burst.
Why Dev? I don't want to do this anymore. Please.

Please.
Why can't this hellish world take me already.

The couch is a dark brown. It's sticking to me.

So fucking annoying.

I can feel Dev hug me. Tears are dropping onto the armrest. I can tell he's crying now too. This is all too much.

I wake up to the smell of bacon and eggs. With my back and torso killing me. Sitting up, I remember where we are. A cabin. Fuckkkkkk.

I rub my face, looking over into the kitchen I see Dev at the stove. I blink for a moment and am reminded of last night. Shit. We hadn't talked about February at all. Looking down I notice I'm in a different shirt. Arms out for the world to see.
Is this man crazy? I look over to him plating food. He really changed my shirt? What the fuck? What is this fan fiction?
I hold my arms to my chest, watching the curly haired freak walk over.
I honestly don't think I can stomach food at this moment. I just stare at the plate he holds out towards me.

“Food. Take it.” He blinks, standing his ground. I take it in defeat.